i made this the day my ac went out and i was really hot and emotional

Fuckboy! Lai Guanlin

masterlist can be found (here)

Fuckboy x Wanna One:
Yoon Jisung II Ha Sungwoon II Hwang Minhyun II Ong Seongwoo II Kim Jaehwan II Kang Daniel II Park Jihoon II Park Woojin II Bae Jinyoung II Lee Daehwi II Lai Guanlin

“All that you are is all that I’ll ever need.”

  • Guanlin is the student athlete type of fuckboy 
  • Takes advantages of his popularity as the star player in the basketball team to pick up girls 
  • Girls dig it when he approaches them after a game, sweaty yet hot as hell in his basketball uniform and asks for their number but they don’t realize that he also simultaneously ask 5 other girls before them
  • Text them for a day or two before making out with them and proceeds to just stop any contact with them
  • The locker room is also off limits at certain days after practices cause Guanlin uses it for his makeout session 
  • He’s the type to like a no strings attached relationship because he is super busy with practices and always has a competition every week and leaves him super tired for anything else
  • But he meets you one day during a basketball competition
  • You were the cheerleader captain of the rival team and Guanlin thought you were extremely hot and wanted your number lol
  • tbh you had no idea who he was when he asked you so you said no
  • He was offended for moment cause well, he wasn’t used to being rejected when girls in his school always welcome his presence with open arms 
  • But it was mainly because you just had 0 interest in a relationship and boys in general
  • You were more focused on trying to juggle your studies, sports and social life altogether
  • Also, boys in your school were super afraid of you despite your looks & personality because of how scary you are as the captain of your team
  • During practices, you did be yelling at your girls to be tighter so they wouldn’t fall off during stunts and by yell I mean full on shouting 
  • but they still love you cause you were a super good captain and always buy them food after practices 
  • ok so back to the plot
  • Guanlin basically made you promised him to give you your number to him if he wins the game
  • You had a lot of school pride in you so you were super sure that your school was going to win so you agreed to it, thinking it wasn’t a big deal
  • During the game, Guanlin kept glancing your way, even throwing a few smirks & winks to your direction
  • but what Guanlin got back was a look of disgust and he was like wtf why
  • You were seriously not impressed cause shouldn’t he be more focused on the game instead??? 
  • At the end of the game, unsurprisingly your school had won the match and you went to congratulate Seonho, the captain who was also one of your close friend
  • “Dude what did you do to attract Lai Guanlin’s attention? He literally just came to me and asked for your number.”
  • “Did you give it to him, Seonho?”
  • “UHHHHHHH sorry gotta go - “
  • That was how you ended up with an unopened text from an unknown number after you went back home saying he was Guanlin and asked if you were interested in watching the game he was playing next week 
  • you scoffed at his straightforwardness but decided text back saying that you wouldn’t go unless someone you were dating was playing
  • which he replied asking if that was a challenge 
  • You said yes * proceeded to tell him that however, it was impossible to get you cause he did have to stop his current ways and you know actually pay attention to the actual dating part 
  •  giving assurance to yourself that a fuckboy like him would have no interest in doing a thing like that & proceeds to leave you alone
  • That was the start of how Lai Guanlin, went full out to pursue you
  • He was determined to show he could win anyone, including you
  • every single day, he did walk over to your school to walk you home
  • At times, he did bring you a snack or even coffee 
  • your heart soften at the amount of effort Guanlin put to everything 
  • Gifts from were always something related to the sports you did
  • small things like sports tape and an energy drink with a post it note that had your name was always on the bleachers 
  • he did also send motivating quotes to help you get through the day
  • many people actually thought you two were dating considering that you were a lot happier and well, the locker room suddenly became vacant
  • it wasn’t long before Guanlin actually realized his feelings for you
  • he liked the way you laughed, a lot, it was something he was so tempted to set as his ringtone
  • how bright you got when you explained to him how you managed to hit this really difficult stunt 
  • You never flirted back with him, you were just honestly being friendly and he liked that
  • Conversations with you only made him focus and think and you and only you
  • It was never like that for other ppl and you were the only thing in his mind
  • You never treated him like he was the ace of the basketball team, more like just, Guanlin as himself
  • He could behave freely when he was with you, being a bit more childish than usual & you never judged him for it
  • He decided to text you to meet him at park nearby so he could honestly sort out all the swirls of emotions in him 
  • “I don’t really know to break this to you but I actually really like you and I’m not doing this for the sake of bragging. I just want you to know that so you could consider my feelings to you again.”
  • *cues awkward silence*
  • You couldn’t believe our ears like was this actually happening???
  • You decided to screw everything you knew about love and just went to kiss him on the cheek
  • “I don’t even know I like you too, idiot.”
  • people like to call you two the modern day Romeo & Juliet cause you guys were indirectly ‘rivals’ when you guys started dating
  • but everyone in you & his schools basically shipped you two? During games, your team would even tell you it was okay to cheer for Guanlin 
  • gives you lots of back hugs and posts a lot of photos of you on his Instagram
  • a super cute sports couple who just supports each other in every way possible
  • he tries to teach you basketball but ends up with you two giggling and sharing kisses
  • also being each other prom dates is a thing so you guys have two different proms to attend lmao 
“Deconstructing Patti”

I was lucky to attend Deconstructing Patti tonight and it was a TRIP so I am writing this entire fucking research paper so all you guys can live vicariously through me.

-First thing, because I know this is what y’all came to hear: BI COMPANY! It sucks that Joanne won’t be a lesbian, but Patti says there is at least one gay pairing with the other suitors. Joanne will have a much, much younger husband. Either they haven’t finished re-writing or Patti just doesn’t have a script yet because that’s all she knows. They start rehearsing August 6th of 2018.

Also to keep you on your seats, RAUL ESPARZA SHOWS UP, CHRISTINE EBERSOLE SHOWS UP, HOWARD MCGILLIN, MORE

NOW FROM THE BEGINNING:

-Patti pre-recorded the “no taping, no cellphones message” with a wonderful snarl on cellphones then says, “but disregard that entirely, have a ball tonight” but I still didn’t see A SINGLE CELL PHONE the entire time. No one was willing to risk that shit, even with express permission from Patti herself.

-She looks fucking amazing. I’ve only ever seen her in costume on stage before. She had on a short little sparkly blue dress with long sleeves. Her hair looked fantastic. Incredibly hard to believe she’s 68. She starts with Some People and the vibrato is A+++

- PATTI NEEDS A HIP REPLACEMENT. So it turns out this is the big reason she was not planning on doing musicals after War Paint. She had sort of hinted at injuries and age, but it’s actually quite severe. She really could not walk well tonight and it was kinda heartbreaking because she looks and acts so youthful. She had a painful looking limp. At the same time, she refused to change out of her very high heels. She had brought out flats just in case and Seth encouraged her to change, but she would rather limp fabulously. Incredible.

- She picked up Company because of Marianne Elliott. She wants to work with female directors. Late career Patti is a hardcore feminist.

-Christine comes out for “Face to Face”. She looks gorgeous. Scott Frankel comes out to play piano very  impressively.

Christine: “How much do we love Patti?” Lots of Applause.

Patti: “How much do we love Christine?” Lots of Applause.

Patti, semi-jokingly, looking at Christine, in low, sultry voice: “How much do we love each other?” Me: dies. Fucking fan service, Patti LuPone.

Christine talks about how one of Patti’s massive Helena necklaces fell apart during the final scene of War Paint a few days ago. At first, it just dropped to the ground. Patti tried to stuff it in her purse but it didn’t fit. She’s struggling with it so she leaves it on the table. It’s like a triple strand of pearls and they are falling everywhere intermittently, like punctuation to every line. Plunk…plunk……plunk plunk plunk. It’s a total mess and the stage is covered in pearls. Christine gets to the line where she guesses what’s in Helena’s lipstick, beeswax, etc…and freshwater pearl for shine and the audience dies.

- PATTI’S HELENA DIARY:

When Helena is “writing” in War Paint, Patti actually writes a diary about the audience and stuff. She’s got a huge stack of pages from the beginning of the run. A few paraphrased excerpts:

My personal favorite: “Han… what does this say? Hangover Tuesday. Oh..”

“Tina Fey in audience today, we’re saved” sarcasm hahaha

“That’s just a doodle”

“This Great Comet drama is EXCITING *Patti cringes, next one is also about Great Comet* “Okay I’m not reading those” (omg)

Seth takes this huge stack of pages and auctions it on stage for Equity Fights Aids.

Patti adds, “Wait, how much would you give if I read all of them to you over drinks at the St. Regis?”

Seth: “You get Patti’s stack of notes. Please put them on Instagram. There’s many inappropriate ones she refused to read. Also, Patti LuPone herself will read her notes to you over dinner.

Patti: “Not dinner.” (She’s not buying you dinner LOLOLOL)

SOMEBODY PAID $7,000

- Seth: “Patti has a lot of feelings about the President”

-Patti tells a story about working as a waitress at a skeevy bar with some skeevy guys in college, one of whom somehow got them down into the foundations of Juilliard and stuck a gun into the small of her back, sort of jokingly to scare her. She hears herself telling this story, “Wow, I am the picture of class”

-Howard McGillin, Billy to Patti’s Reno in the 1987 Anything Goes joins Patti on stage, they sing “You’re The Top” together. Seth asks Patti how she came up with the sexy Reno characterization.

Patti: “It’s inherent in the lyrics. Like Blow, Gabriel Blow” *Audience Laughs*

Patti: Oh, that’s not what I mean. Oh! I mean the lines “Good by day, good by night in that song”

Oh my god, not BLOW Gabriel. Oh, no.

Seth: What’s sexy about good by day, good by night?

Patti: You know!

Seth: I don’t!

Patti: She’s good by day and …good….by night, oh, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

-Patti’s drinking a huge glass of Prosecco:

She sips happily for awhile. “Oh, I feel sick from the wine”. Getting a little clumsy.

10 minutes later: “Never mind, I feel good now. It’s like when you have a drug and you’re like ugh this is awful, give me another!”

30 minutes later, she’s polished off most of her wine, the third encore is “With One Look”, she gets one bar in, stops abruptly: “Oh, I have to burp, I’m sorry”. Audience dies.  She’s so embarrassed. So cute hahahaha

-Patti on her Glenn Close rehabilitation:

I didn’t want to sing Sunset, because I didn’t want people to think there are sour grapes. It’s Glenn’s role in New York. Mine in London. So I wasn’t gonna sing it in New York *pauses, thinking*… so I’ll sing the London version *laughter*

- Starts choking up when talking about the ephemeral beauty of theatre (good vocab word, Patti) and how it exists mostly in memory

-Patti talked about how she loves imperfect voices with soul a hundred times more than a perfect instrument with no feeling. Perfect voices are nothing without soul, but also people who sing with soul must be imperfect. Interesting. That’s why she doesn’t like to listen to a lot of today’s Broadway singers. She listens to Joni Mitchell.

-She made the final call back for the Sweet Charity national tour at 17, but didn’t get the part. She never booked any professional rolls before Juilliard. Patti: “Do they still even do cattle calls?” Seth: “Yes, people still audition, Patti. Omg.”

- The Magaldi guy from the Deconstructing Patti London concert YouTube video, flew out to NY to serve as random Magaldi guy again when Seth called him. A couple of us asked for his autograph and he absolutely flipped a shit he was so excited “THIS NEVER HAPPENS IN LONDON”

-Che was sung by Raul Esparza for several songs. “Well this is a fucking dream come true” he said about singing with Patti. There was also an original Evita cast member who sang the word HAIR in

“Eyes, hair, mouth, figure 
Dress, voice, style, movement”

He joins them on stage to sing the word HAIR in “Rainbow High” He is my new hero. She struggles a bit with Rainbow High “Well, there’s one for my next voice lesson”

-Frances Ruffelle, the original Eponine on the West End and Broadway, came out to sing with Patti. She didn’t sing very well, but Patti was very emotional to hear her sing again

-When Patti was in the chorus for the barricade scenes in Les Mis she had to pick a “job”. She really did not want to be in the chorus so she just picked what the guy next to her was doing which was smelting She wasn’t even really sure what a smelter does so she goes out there and pantomimes smelting some hot metal over a bale of hay. The director is like “Patti, you’re an idiot”. The next night, she goes out there and smelts over the hay again, pretends the hay caught on fire, and spends the scene silently putting out her hay fire

-She doesn’t really like the current production of Hello, Dolly! because she does not like how it’s a recreation of Carol Channing’s productions without any new discovery for the actors allowed by the director

-Patti: “You used to be able to get to the theatre. Now Times Square is all focused on a Hershey bar!” Seth: “A Hershey bar? A single bar?”

-Sings “Trouble” from The Music Man 10x better than in the YouTube video. FANTASTIC.

-Seth talked a lot about how a lot of her habits would be considered unprofessional, like how she always looks out at the audience before shows.

Patti: That’s not unprofessional!

Seth: It is. You peering out with your Evita wig on!

Patti: Yeah, well with Evita, I would get caught! People would wave to me so I’d just wave back!

Well, I want to see the guy who hates my guts, who will be the hardest to convince. I want to play to him. At this show, I looked out and saw everyone fanning themselves. So I went back and said TURN UP THE AC THE PEOPLE ARE HOT OUT THERE. You gotta take care of your audience.

-Patti on Lack of Common Sense (paraphrased): “I’ve never had any savvy-dressing for auditions, re-booking canceled flights. I thought I was supposed to stand behind the taped line in the A Chorus Line theatre at my Evita audition, so I took a big step in front of it. It was just the line in A Chorus Line. My brother was in A Fucking Chorus Line. I’d seen it. Several times. Still didn’t make that connection. Yet, I heard about auditions and things. Not sure where I found out about that stuff at all! That’s how you know it’s meant to be. I just found out about these casting calls even though I was clueless.  

-Patti and Seth fight over ALW:

Seth: He’s great [in Evita].

Patti: *Makes disgusted face*

Seth: No this really is great.

Patti: It’s not.

Seth: Turn her mike off.

-She ends with the Ladies Who Lunch. You can tell she’s working on her character for the revival. It’s very different from her Lonny Price version, seems much darker and more subdued. I’m excited to see what she develops.

-I’ve heard her live before but it’s still such a shock to me. Her voice is nothing short of incredible. Her high tones are less crystalline in her older age, but her low tones are so much richer. I thought her voice sounded a little raspy, like she was losing it, but it didn’t keep her from hitting any of those belts (except Rainbow High, which was kinda mean of Seth lol) I’m going to War Paint closing night in December. She didn’t come out the stage door tonight so I have my fingers crossed for December. 

Hope you guys feel like you were there with me! I know a lot of you wish you could be there so I wanted to be thorough. Let me know if you have any questions!

Seatmate!Jihoon

A/N: Heyyyyy, guyssssss. I’m so sorry for not updating for so long T_T School has been hectic with exams and I have soooo many things to do this August but I hope I can still find the time to post something every once in a while (like right now!). I want to say thank you to my followers and my new mutual (yay!!!) for all the support. Also, what’s this?? Another Seatmate!AU?? That as the story goes becomes less and less of a Seatmate!AU?? How about the Super!AU lmao I’m so sorry guys. (Also, this is more fluff that the usual so prepare yourself.)

Originally posted by pledisseventeen


  • Can u imagine Jihoon as a class president?
  • Because I can
  • He’s really diligent in his studies
  • Which was one of the reasons why he was elected as class president in the first place
  • Is a very disciplined and strict person
  • And has one of the best work ethics in class
  • The type of student who stayed late at school until he finished his work then play at home
  • Doesn’t let people cheat from his paper lol
  • Don’t cheat, kids
  • The teachers love him bc he does all the scoldings in class for them
  • Fine, it’s more of an evil side-eye rather than a scolding but it’s super scary ok
  • Doesn’t let people get away with skipping the after school duty of cleaning the classroom
  • “Do you wanna die or do you wanna clean the classroom?”
  • ^high low key threat by Jihoon himself^
  • Doesn’t take people’s s***
  • Will send you a look that cuts right through you if you mention anything about his height
  • He once had to be restrained when one of the freshmen did and Jihoon almost pushed the kid off the balcony on the 3rd floor
  • But really, he’s a good person and while people respect him, they generally are scared of him lol
  • That’s why he mostly kept to himself and his small group of close-knit friends
  • This kid likes to spend his break in the music room, composing and playing music
  • People don’t really know about his passion for music and that’s how he preferred it to be
  • One of the reasons was bc his parents never really approved of his dream to become a musician
  • If they ever found out, Jihoon’s afraid that he will never be able to play music anymore
  • So he decided to keep it a secret from everyone
  • Anyways
  • So you know how there has to be the good cop to the bad cop?
  • Well in class, you’re the good cop a.k.a the vice president
  • And quite the contrary to Jihoon, people think you’re really nice and really  friendly 
  • Unlike someone
  • They often wonder how you deal with Jihoon’s grumpiness tbh
  • Everyone also complain over the fact that Jihoon only seemed to be nice to you
  • But you’re like “Pshhh, what do you mean, guys, he’s not!”
  • But everybody knows they’re right
  • Jihoon does has a soft spot for you
  • You’re just too oblivious
  • There was this one time when he let you copy his homework bc you had forgotten that you even had one at the beginning
  • And you can literally see the look of betrayal everybody sent him bc Lee Jihoon does not let anybody touch his homework
  • Ever
  • Until now that is
  • Everybody went Oooooooh 
  • Because what’s this???
  • Does the President likes the Vice President?? Bc interesting.
  • Jihoon knows he’s screwed if you find out
  • So he’s always ready with a guitar to whip out at any moment if any of y’all dare to speak of this to you
  • So he acted as if he’s annoyed and all but it’s mostly an act
  • Tbh he thinks you’re really cute and nice and everything he’s not
  • But he’s pretty hesitant about confessing
  • Bc how can someone with a heart as big as moon and a smile brighter than the sun ever like someone like him?
  • So he settled with being the best person he can be to you, be it a good class president, seatmate, friend
  • Honestly he just try to be the best person he can be for you and kinda wish you would eventually notice him one day
  • Spoiler: you will
  • A N Y W H O
  • Sometimes you wonder why you never see him in the cafeteria 
  • One day you’re on your way to the cafeteria for lunch and you happen to pass the music room when you heard one of the most beautiful pieces you’ve ever heard??
  • And you wondered who it was so you went to check
  • And imagine your surprise when you found out that it was Jihoon
  • And imagine his surprise when he saw you
  • You’re both were kinda speechless as you looked at each other
  • You because you really did not expect Grumps Jihoon to be able to play a piano so elegantly like that
  • Him because oh my god, should he gO?
  • It was really awkward and embarrassing for you to be alone together like that in the music room despite you being seatmates in class
  • And it felt like you stumbled upon something you weren’t meant to see
  • But you’re really curious and really enchanted so you’re like
  • “Can I…hear you play??”
  • And Jihoon wanted to reject your request bc he’s so embarrassed and shy and you’re looking at him like that but he’s also like Y/N wants to hear me play!!! This is my chance!!!
  • So he tried to play it cool and he was like “Sure” and scooted a bit on the bench so you can sit next to him real smooth Jihoon
  • You’re kind of blushing bc you’re sitting so close to each other
  • Jihoon started to play the piano and it’s just entrancing and beautiful and you wonder how someone would hide something that’s so amazing
  • The song ended and you remembered something you saw on the school bulletin board and you’re like “Why don’t you go for the upcoming piano competiton!!”
  • Jihoon saw the look in your eyes when you said it and they were full of hope and he almost said no
  • Bc he saw it, but he knew he couldn’t because his parents wouldn’t support his passion
  • “Y/N.. I can’t.. My parents..” he started
  • “Jihoon, your parents might be wrong. If you do something with enough passion, I know you can make it. I know you will. You always do.”
  • And you said it with so much conviction that you believing in him made him believe himself, too
  • Also you’re looking at him like that and he couldn’t say no
  • And just like that, Jihoon finally agreed to take his passion one step further
  • It was from then on that you started accompanying him when he’s practising in the music room during lunch 
  • You started bringing him food on some days after you noticed that you’ve never saw him eat
  • At first, he would reject the lunchbox that you made him bc he felt so bad for burdening you
  • But then he saw the disappointment in your eyes when he did and he’d be damned if he ever make you feel sad so he’s like fine
  • And nothing makes you happier than when you see him literally devoured the food you made especially for him
  • lmao tbh he was hungrier than he let on
  • It also makes you happy, too, when he started opening up to you as you both grew closer
  • Sometimes you both would play around and sing along to any song he plays on the piano
  • And you know that feeling when you can just feel how happy you both are in each other’s company? Yeah, you feel that with him
  • It feels different with him; just the two of you in each other’s company, away from the prying world
  • It’s like a little secret you both have
  • Your friends started to notice your disappearance and were asking where you’ve been gone to during lunch
  • But you know you’d promised Jihoon not to tell anyone 
  • So you’re like lmaoo where I’ve been?? hahah *sweats nervously*
  • But at that moment Jihoon was passing and your eyes met and you couldn’t help but smile a bit and send him a small wave and your friends went OH MY GODDDD LEE JIHOON?! OUT OF ALL PEOPLE???
  • “What?? I don’t have a crush on him!”
  • Yeah you do, you just don’t realize
  • “Really?? Bc it seems to us that he does.”
  • “Don’t you notice how he acts around you?” 
  • And suddenly it made sense
  • The way he acts around you, how he’s so sweet yet nervous around you
  • You finally get it
  • And what a realization it was bc you might have a crush on him too????
  • Just thinking about it gave you the butterflies lol
  • You find the fact that he might only be soft only for you is kinda hot??
  • oh wow what a tsundere
  • So you start to skim the surface and test the waters, y’know
  • You start making him even nicer lunch boxes with heart shapes made of seaweed aaaa
  • And leaving him chocolates and other snacks under his desk bc you’re aware of how he loves to snack while composing
  • Going on convenience store errands for him when he craves for food/drinks when he’s staying longer at school
  • Honestly you’ve become kind of a helper to him now but you don’t mind bc he doesn’t really have anyone but you
  • And he’s aware of your own business and life but the fact that you’re so willing to accompany him makes him fall for you appreciate what you do even more
  • Time seems to pass a lot faster now since you started hanging out with Jihoon and before you know it, it’s the day of the recital
  • You went a little earlier bc you wanted to surprise Jihoon with flowers bc why not
  • And he’s like lmao why are you giving me flowers?
  • “Why shouldn’t I? It’s given since it’s your first piano recital!”
  • He couldn’t help but blush bc wow what did he ever do to deserve such an amazing person
  • It’s obvious that the guy is nervous as heck so you squeezed his shoulder a bit as a reassurance
  • “You’re gonna do fine! I only worry about the others because they don’t know they’re gonna get wrecked.”
  • Have he ever told you how much your support meant to him? 
  • Bc once again, the sheer faith you have in him made him believe he could do anything
  • “My parents are here, Y/N..”
  • “Good! Because now they’ll realize what they’ve been missing out on!”
  • “Y/N..” he said in half-amusement, the corner of his lips turning up
  • “If not, I’m gonna give ‘em a piece of my mind!”
  • ‘Ok that’s cute’ he absentmindedly thought
  • “But they’re my parents!” he exclaimed
  • “And you can do it.”
  • And on a spur of the moment decision, you’re like
  • “This is for good luck.”
  • And you leaned forward and landed a peck on Jihoon’s cheek before scurrying away
  • Screaming if I may add
  • To say Jihoon was shocked was an understatement
  • Bc did you just…kiss him?????
  • OH MY GOD?! Y/N JUST KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK??
  • What have he ever done in his past life to deserve such a treat? omg nat
  • Honestly it was a bad decision in your part bc now he’s even more nervous that he’s gonna flop bc all he can think now is you
  • But of course, it’s the Great Lee Jihoon we’re talking about
  • This guy will ace anything you throw at him
  • And he played the piano with so much emotion and passion
  • thinking about you ssSHHH
  • Although it’s his first recital, he totally wrecked it
  • And it just makes you proud seeing him getting the love and recognition that he deserves up on that stage and your heart just swelled with pride bc he deserved it so much
  • And when the recital was finally over, you went to find him
  • And you found him, talking to his parents
  • At first you were a little worried
  • But you watched as his parents gave Jihoon a smile, his father patted him on his shoulder and Jihoon smiling and bowing and looking perfectly happy and grateful and you thought everything’s gonna be fine
  • When you see him finally walking away from his parents, you set your way towards him
  • He did the same and while you did expect the hug from how he threw open his arms as you both met in the middle, you definitely did not see the kiss coming
  • And the only thing you could think of as his lips descended on yours was wow he’s getting bOLD
  • And boi is he passionate
  • And you’re aware of the people watching you two and hoped his parents aren’t watching omg
  • But with Jihoon’s soft lips on yours, you couldn’t care less
  • At that moment you want to let the world knows
  • You both were breathless when you finally broke it off and he’s like wOW
  • And you’re like, yeah wow is right
  • You still have your hands clasped on his neck, his arms on your waist as you stare into each other’s eyes
  • “You ok??” you ask, breathless
  • He grinned,”More than ok. Everything finally fell into place, all thanks to you.”
  • You blushed,”It’s all you, Jihoon. It’s all you.”
  • And he flashed you one of those radiant grins, his eyes crinkling around the edges, his dimples showing and you can feel you heart melts
  • And to him, everything’s perfect, bc you’re here, and whenever you’re beside him, he knows everything will be alright
  • “So what’s next?” you finally ask
  • “Next..I’m going to pursue another dream of mine.”
  • “And what’s that?”
  • And his dark eyes bored into yours and he smiled
  • “You.”
  • fffffff i’m dead asdskadhskajfhew
Three Times a Charm

Originally posted by parkerpete

Peter Parker X Reader

Kinder Than You - Part 1

My Heart Will be There - Part 2

Not Saying a Word - Part 3

Word Count: 2495

Author: Kate (by the Ocean)

Warnings: Nightmares, very deep feels…

A/N: MWAHAHAHAHA it’s done! My first multi-part series is completed. I’m not gonna lie, this was pretty fun, but it is 2 o’clock in the morning and I am exhausted. Love y’all… Anyways, I think you all should be feeling pretty thankful, because I seriously (you can confirm with Katy on this) considered killing the reader, but that would have taken like 2 more freaking parts. The Perks of Being a Writer, I guess. You want to kill the favorite character when the storyline gets boring. But I didn’t, and you all get mushy fluff instead. I hope you’re happy. 

The movie finished, and Peter had all but forgotten that you were currently on the couch in his apartment, being held against your will. He had restrained himself from looking at you for the last 15 minutes of the movie, though he had admitted to himself multiple times that you looked adorable in your rain-wet clothes, frustration clearly evident on your face. The credits started, and Peter allowed himself one quick glance. Looking over at the couch, he smiled to himself at the sight of your curled-up figure, your face void of expression as you slept. Peter stared at you for a few seconds, and then shivered. He realized that he had been sitting in drenched clothes in an apartment that had the AC blasting to battle the normally very hot New York summer climate. He got up and walked into his room to change into something warm and dry.

***

Peter left the room, and almost immediately, your sleeping body started shaking slightly. Due to your powers sucking away at your chemical energy constantly, you always had a lower body temperature than most people, because your natural heating systems had less energy allotted to burn. All the Avengers would fuss over you being warm in the winter, but there had never been concern during the summer, what with New York’s hot and muggy climate. But, then again, you had never really been out in the rain during a cold front, and then slept in them either. And since you were very concentrated on not thinking about Peter, which was slightly futile and in vain, you had forgotten to consider the fact that during sleep, the body’s temperature was lowered even further to conserve energy; the reason why you slept under 3 comforters. You subconsciously curled up even tighter, the shivers starting to rack your petite and exhausted frame.

***

Peter walked in several minutes later, wearing his favorite pajama pants and a casual t-shirt, pulled rather tight over his biceps. He grabbed the remote and turned on one of your favorite TV shows. He turned to go grab something to eat when he heard you turning on the couch. Peter walked over to find your quaking state, and he quickly grabbed your favorite blanket from the table next to the couch. He flung it open, and placed it on you, tucking it gently under your sides so he wouldn’t wake you. You shivering subdued slightly, and Peter knelt by your side. Slowly he reached his hand out to cup your cheek, rubbing his thumb across the smooth surface softly. He realized how stupid he was being, and went to pull away. Before he could, your head tilted into his touch, keeping his hand there. Your expression lightened in your sleep, and Peter looked at you sadly. You looked so, so peaceful like this, like the way you did before the fight. Peter’s brow furrowed at his remembered the fight, and the sadness that had replaced the light in your eyes since you had caught him and Liz. He looked at you, kicking himself mentally for the millionth time about Liz. Sure, he had had a crush on her for ages, but if he knew it would’ve hurt and affected you this much, he never would have done it. Knowing you were happy meant more to him than Liz ever would. Peter’s hand moved up to your damp hair, running his hands through it. Without thinking, he wished that he had made the decision to kiss you, not Liz. He froze, his eyes widening at his subconscious wish, and he realized that he had been denying it for a while now. Peter liked you, no, he loved you. He loved you, Y/N Y/L/N. A montage of all his treasured memories of you played through his mind, starting off with the day you two became friends, and then the time you had introduced him to the Avengers, then when you both scored top of the class in middle school, that time Steve had taught you guys to dance, and made you both practice in front of a camera. He had to lead, because your mind was a bit occupied, and you kept stepping on his toes. Finally, he remembered that time you had gone to Homecoming as friends, and you had looked absolutely beautiful in your blue lace dress that made your eyes pop, and how you had bit your lip painted with red lipstick at his gaze. And the same way that pretty face had broken when Peter had broken your heart. 

Peter covered his eyes with his hand, and stood up. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a carton of ice cream out of the freezer. 

***

Your neck and arms ached from the constant injections of mysterious liquids that made you shake with fear at things you couldn’t see. The four walls that contained you were familiar, the walls of your cell in the HYDRA base. The place you had been held after you had been captured during a reconnaissance mission. You had been paired with a SHIELD agent, more accurately a SHIELD mole that worked for HYDRA. You had been taking the lead, and he had caught you in the back of your head with a hit from his gun. They had carried you in here, and tried to replicate your powers. This was a different nightmare than your normal torture one, and it had haunted you since the fight. You heard voices shouting outside your cell, and Peter burst into the room, dressed in his Spider-Man suit. You breathed a sigh of relief, knowing he was here to save you. Without a word, Peter walked to the computer besides the table you were strapped to, and loaded some of the information onto a SHIELD hard-drive. He finished his work on the computer, and started to walk out of the cell again. You cried for help, trying to remind him that you were there. He peeked his head back in the door.

“Peter! Help me, my arms are strapped down!” You said, wondering why he had almost forgotten you. 

“I’m not here for you.” Peter said, no emotion in his voice whatsoever. 

“But, but I was k-kidnapped, and they’ve been experimenting with my powers. I need to get out of here. Peter, help me!” You pleaded, trying to strain against the bonds. 

“Why would I do that?” He asked.

“I’m your b-b-best friend. Peter, it’s me! It’s Y/N. Y-You love m-me.” You said, your heart beating fast as your confusion heightened. 

“I hate you.” He stated.

“Peter, no. Don’t do this, please.” A tear rolled down your cheek, and before you could say anything more, 2 soldiers grabbed Peter from behind, and pinned his arms to his side. You cried out to him, trying to warn him, but they carried him to a chair and tied his arms together. One of the soldiers came over to you, and adjusted the table so that you had a clear view of Peter. The other soldier got out a gun, and loaded it quickly. Your heart stopped as you watched the man point the firearm at Peter. You tried to look away, but the soldier next to you grabbed you jaw, and forced your gaze towards Peter again. 

“If you live, tell Liz I love her.” Peter said, his voice cracking with fear at the barrel pointed at his chest. You clenched your jaw, a dozen tears slipping down your face as you breathed in unevenly. You heard the gunshot ring through the room, and you watched Peter slump in his chair. You screamed, feeling your heart rip apart inside your chest. You heard someone calling your name, and you felt the soldier shaking your shoulders, trying to quiet your cries.

***

“Y/N! Y/N, wake up! Please wake up.” Peter’s voice pleaded with you as he tried to wake you up from your nightmare. You breathed in sharply as your eyes flew open. Your arms were shaking from the feeling of cold clothes covering you, and there were tears running relentlessly down your face. You looked into Peter’s face, and he looked into your scared eyes. He sat on the couch next to you, and you planted your face into his chest. He was shocked at your sudden contact, but his familiar arms soon closed around you, pulling you closer to him. “Hey, hey. Y/N. It’s okay, I’m here for you.” He said, running his hand up and down your back comfortingly. You continued to sob into his chest, trying to clear the image of Peter being shot from your mind.

“P-Peter.” You said, stuttering slightly as you looked up into his brown eyes that reminded you of home.

“Yeah, Y/N. It’s me.” He said, smiling at you softly. “I thought you stopped having nightmares.”

“I-I did. This w-was a different one.” You said, burying your face into his shoulder.

“Hey, look at me.” Peter said. You looked up at him again, and he brought one of his hands up to brush the hair out of your face. “You’re okay, I’ve got you.” You leaned your head on his shoulder, trying to calm down as you searched his gaze, completely forgetting about the Liz thing as you got lost in his eyes. He leaned in slowly, and you closed your eyes, tilting your head up and then snapping it back. Everything from the last month came flooding back, you shuffled out of Peter’s arms, and pulled your knees up to your chest. Peter looked at you, and you averted your gaze, biting your lip.

“How long was I out?” You asked, not looking at him. 

“You fell asleep during the movie.” Peter said, trying to hide his disappointment. You shivered, and started rubbing your hands up and down your arms to try and warm yourself up.

“Do you still have any of my pjs here?” You asked. You would always keep a spare outfit and pair of pajamas here in case of emergency.

“Course. They’re in my dresser.” Peter said, pushing himself off the couch, and offering you a hand. You took it timidly, and smiled at him quietly. He pulled the clothes out of his dresser, and handed them to you. You mumbled ‘thank you’, and walked into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind you. You peeled out of the damp clothes, and pulled the worn fabric on. You looked in the mirror, and cringed at your appearance. Your eyes were puffy, and the tip of your nose was pink. 

“And you wonder why he chose Liz.” You said to yourself. Little did you know, Peter was waiting outside the door, knowing that you talked to yourself frequently. You walked out, your hand trying to cover the bandage peeking through the tight shirt. Peter grabbed the bundle of the clothes and threw them onto his desk chair, pulling your hand away from your side.

“What’s that?” He said, his eyes voicing concern. Your shoulders rolled forward, and Peter saw the stress that May had been talking about.

“It’s nothing.” You lied, biting your lip. Peter crossed his arms over his chest, and your eyes searched his before you conceded. “I broke a rib. When I fell into that table, and it caused a blood build-up. It got worse because I didn’t have it checked out until today.” Peter’s eyes filled with guilt, and you looked at the ground, his constant gaze too much for you to bear. Suddenly, you felt arms wrap around you, and rested your head on Peter’s chest without looking up, trying to ignore the quick beating of you heart.

“I’m sorry. Gosh, I’m so sorry, Y/N. This is all my fault.” He whispered into your ear. You looked up at him.

“No, it’s my fault, Peter. I should’ve texted you or just… I shouldn’t have been mad about it. I mean, you do love her.” You said, watching his eyes flick between both of yours. His eyes filled with something that you couldn’t quite place.

“It is not your fault. And I don’t lo-”

“It’s okay, Peter. I get it. Honestly.” You said, wriggling out of his hold for the second time. Liz already hated you, why try to even fight for your side if you weren’t going to win? You slipped into the kitchen, and filled a glass with water, sipping from it to fill the dehydration caused by all the tears. You heard Peter walk in after you, but you didn’t turn around, worried that you’d start crying again.

“You kept saying my name. During your nightmare.” Peter said, getting some water too. You didn’t say anything, not knowing how to respond. “You kept begging me to help you.” You still didn’t respond, trying to get the image out of your mind. Peter came up to you, and for the third time, his held you to his chest, and you turned to look at him.

You told him all about the dream, too exhausted to come up with lies, and too hurt to leave out him talking about Liz. 

“You said ‘If you live, tell Liz I love her.’” You said quietly, pulling your arms up in front of you to put some distance between you and Peter. 

“I don’t love her.” Peter mumbled, and you looked at him, confused. “I love you, Y/N.” 

“No you don’t.” You said. You had been through too much heart break to accept that statement willingly, and Peter could sense it. 

“I broke up with Liz that day at school. Because I love you, and she was hurting you.” He said, looking at you earnestly. All your eyes showed was confusion, and Peter felt his heart break that he had hurt you this much that you had forgotten what love felt like. Peter leaned in again, but you were confused. He loves Liz, he hates you, and that’s what you were positive about. Until his lips touched yours. Something real and true connected you both, and you melted into Peter’s soft touch. Peter pulled you closer to him, picked you up, and placed you on the kitchen counter. You pulled away first, smiling. He looked at your happy expression, and saw the light that he loved enter your eyes for the first time in a month.

“Didn’t I tell you?” Peter said, and your laugh filled the kitchen, making Peter’s heart leap.

“But you hate me.” You said, doubt darkening your eyes again.

“But I love you.” Peter said,his nose touching yours. His touch sent the doubt away again, and you smiled. “Why did it take me three times to tell you that I love you for you to believe me?” He laughed, kissing your forehead.

“Three times a charm, I guess.” You grinned. Peter rolled his eyes at you, and you giggled. From that point on, you never had that nightmare again.

@ekinsyikin @afangirlssoul @wannabe-weasley @akm0o @rxchelpxng @mindfullofpoetry @sailorchibimoonunicorn @ginnyweasels @you-need-a-driver @143amberrose @miss-nerdalots

things.

VERY long winded, updatey post in 3…2…1…

okay, so i had a bunch of things i wanted to catch up on here. feel free to disregard since it will be long, but these are things i wanted to remember and share. i’ve broken it up by topic so if you want to skip, please do lol.

wedding week

so my sister’s wedding was really beautiful, of course, i know i couldn’t/can’t shut up about it. the week of the wedding was a bit crazy but also really lovely too. tyler and sarah arrived on tuesday evening of that week instead of wednesday, so that was a nice change of plans which gave us bonus time together. that week, we spent hanging out, we went to somerville, we made crap for dinner, sat in the backyard talking, watching the birds & catching fireflies. it really was such a wonderful thing to have them here. a nice calming presence during a crazy time. on wednesday evening before the wedding, tyler and sarah went to see U2 in concert, so i spent the evening working on wedding things with christina. it was nice to have that bit of extra time with her before the big day. we had a minor issue where our washer was leaking and i was terrified that my dad was going to freak out, and it stressed me out since of course it was wedding week, but it all ended up being fine too. the leak ended up just coming from the hose that goes into the slop sink (which was also a bit clogged), so my dad fixed that and we were all set. that night, sarah had made the most amazing cookies, so after he fixed everything, he sat with us outside for cookies lol.

friday, we headed down to the venue fairly early. friday was probably the worst day for my anxiety, i could not calm down. i was so happy and excited but i just had this elevated level of omg almost constantly, so sarah suggested we go down a little early. tyler was able to sweet talk his way into checking in really early lol, and then we went into princeton for a bit to walk around before my family started arriving. back at the hotel, once everyone arrived, we got our things together, i stayed with my sister and the bridesmaids the night before the wedding, so we all dropped our stuff, got ready and headed to the rehearsal. there was a slight moment of panic because my sister told everyone the rehearsal started at 7, but it was actually 7:15 because she didn’t want anyone to be late, but people were getting cranky that the priest hadn’t arrived and my mom was trying to call to see if she could get ahold of anyone, but it ended up being fine because he was on time. the rehearsal ran long, the priest (same one who married me and pete) is a great guy but kind of long winded lol. we ended up being late to the dinner, but the best man called ahead and it was fine. tyler and sarah came to the rehearsal so they could see the space and then joined us at the restaurant but sat on their own (my sister and jimmy paid for the dinner themselves, but we’ve been to the restaurant with tyler and sarah before and we knew it was a safe place for him to eat), so it was nice to have them there to visit throughout the night. at the dinner, i read the poem that tyler wrote for my sister and jimmy and one of jimmy’s friend’s gave a speech… it was heartfelt, but he was a little tipsy and it was kind of all over the place and messy, but he was sweet. after the dinner, we headed back to the hotel. pete ended up staying with my parents, and i went back to my sister’s room with the girls. christina said a little something and gave us our gifts. her card was probably one of the best things. she also got us all cute beach towels, stemless wine glasses with our names on them, and each girl got a bracelet, and i got a necklace. very sweet. that night, i slept in the king bed with my sister, my cousin, hope, and my other cousin, allie, slept at the foot of the bed on the bench, it was kind of hilar. the rest of the girls slept down stairs, four on two air mattresses and two on the pull out couch.

in the morning, we all got up and hair and make up arrived. i LOVE getting my make up done and this was the same make up artist i used and my sister in law used so i was so excited. the hair girls were great too. i wasn’t thrilled with my hair at first, several of the girls weren’t but after everything kinda settled it was okay. i was bummed because the picture i showed my girl, isn’t really what she did. also, she tried to give me that bump it lift in the back and i was like, um no, that’s not me even on a fancy day lol. i am picky about my hair, i will admit and i almost wish i would have let the stylist do the braids and then curled it myself, but it came out fine and obviously that wasn’t the most important part of the day lol. my make up though, i loved. i seriously wish she could do my make up every day. anyway, after that we got dressed, tyler and sarah came around to start photos, my mom and i helped my sister into her dress - she looked so stunning. everyone was very emotional. we hopped on the limo (one of the girls stepped on her dress and put a hole in the chiffon as we got on the bus… oof, but it was fine, you could barely see it and she’s one of my sister’s more laid back friends, thank goodness), and headed to the church. there ceremony was absolutely beautiful. everyone cried at one point or another…i mean, EVERYONE. even my dad. which is like, so rare. it was truly one of the most emotional weddings i have ever, ever been to…there was someone crying at almost every point during the entire damn day and night lol. their vows were perfect, and everyone had been waiting so long for this moment. at the end of the ceremony, when christina and jimmy walked out, we were supposed to let the parents go first, but i am an idiot and larry (best man) and i walked out right after them… i didn’t even realize it at the time, but now i can’t stop stewing over my stupid mistake. but the priest fixed it so it wasn’t a huge deal…still feel stupid though. the receiving line was very emotional - that’s when my dad cried. my uncle came up to him and said something about my other uncle who passed away last year and they lost it (tyler got a picture and i was like, oh dear god my heart). the bridal party hopped on the bus back to the venue/hotel & tyler and sarah took christina and jimmy for those beautiful photos! when they got back, we took some bridal party photos out on the property and made inside just before it started storming - it was pretty awesome. cocktail hour under then tent in the rain, it was kind of magical. i barely ate, but what i tried was yummy. i mingled with family. i took a moment to go to the bathroom to compose myself before my speech and sarah noticed i left and followed me. she’s seriously such an amazing person and i was so grateful to have her there as a talented photographer, but also as family. anyway, cocktail hour ended, we all got announced and headed in. the dances were done (my dad spotted a rainbow through the window when he and my sister were dancing - magic!) and then came the speeches. i somehow, magically, held it together for mine…as soon as i said cheers though, the ugly sobs came for like 2 minutes and then i snapped back out of it. dinner and dancing were great. there was a photo booth so that was fun. there were a few issues with the venue…the AC broke and no one told my parents… and it was hot as shxt. also, they didn’t have a seat for jimmy’s younger brother and sister, who were both in the bridal party and they told my sister, which they should not have bothered her with that. they only gave cake to people who were sitting, so we never even got to taste it…and then, the thing that made my mom most upset, they were throwing away the favors! people were saying goodbyes at the end of the night and the staff just started throwing them away before people had the chance to take them - the handmade magnets we made from clay and painted and the cookies my mom baked…she was really bummed about that. but the rest of the wedding was great. the dj was a little…interesting, but people were dancing all night, so that was good. 

at the end of the night we got to do something extra special. just outside the cocktail hour tent there was a lake, tyler and sarah had noticed the tall grasses that lined the lake were brimming with lightening bugs…like, millions of them! so they stole christina and jimmy away, and invited us too and they got some incredible shots of them in front of the lake with the bugs twinkling in the background. they took several of me and pete as well, which was such a nice, special gesture, and a few of me & pete with tyler & sarah; all 4 of us together, it was such a special moment! i cannot wait to see those photos. after that, we went to the hotel bar for just a few since my sister and jimmy wanted us to join and then everyone headed off to bed. we had breakfast in the morning with everyone (first real meal i had eaten basically all week, i was finally relaxed enough to eat lol), so that was nice. then, we spent the early afternoon in princeton with tyler and sarah, getting coffee/tea at our spot where we always have the best conversations, and then hanging at a park for a few before we had to say our goodbyes. i cannot begin to express how amazing it was having them here and what a special thing it was to have them be involved in all of this. it was so great having them stay with us and we laughed so hard together and made a lot of wonderful memories. they are just the best. 

after we said goodbye and sent them off to the airport, we headed home to drop stuff off and then we went to my aunt’s house for a post-wedding picnic. she had done the same for us the day after our wedding, so we kept the tradition alive which was fun. we ate, talked, looked through the photo booth album, shared stories and jokes, played “narball” which pete, my sister and my cousins invited at my cousin’s graduation party a few years back, we had a slip & slide and a fire pit - it was a great end to the weekend. my sister and jimmy left for their honeymoon later in the week and they are having a blast it seems in kaui and then they’re headed to san francisco before they come home this tuesday. i miss them!

phobia/therapy

so, i started working on things before the wedding, meeting with the new therapist for the first time. i had, i guess, my third appointment with her the week of the wedding and that went well. i met with her again earlier this week and i’ll be seeing her for a standing appointment going forward (after next week, she’s away). the process is a lot, but i know this is a good thing. we’re actually getting more thoroughly into some things that happened when i was younger and i’m already starting to understand myself even more deeply which is good. i’m continuing to work on mindfulness, meditation, breathing, positive self image and self esteem too. this will all work to help the anxiety and the phobia too. i know this is going to take some time but i feel confident that i can do it. i also have worked on resourcing, so i have things to do, self care stuff, when things do get difficult. i am proud of myself for facing this and looking forward to growing during this process.

naturopath/health

i had my follow up finally yesterday. i was supposed to have it the wednesday morning before the wedding, but with tyler and sarah here, i thought it best to reschedule especially since it’s so far away. the drive there really sucks lol, but it’s definitely worth it. anyway, so the follow up went well. i am overall in a good place, feeling much better physically. i updated her on things we’d discussed and we reviewed what i’ve been eating/using/taking food and supplement wise, i had been following all of her advice. then we went over my blood work. so while, stomach wise, i am doing considerably better, she noticed some deficiencies, so i am beginning to put some new vitamins (a multivitamin plus additional vitamin d and iron, since i am low in both) into my routine to try to remedy that, as well as adding more variety and color to my diet - i had gotten so tentative about eating with my stomach issues and the phobia stuff, so it’s time to get back to my colorful choices. as far as dairy, since i didn’t notice anything significant one way or the other, she said it’s fine to have, but we both decided it’s best to continue to limit it, so i will continue to be mindful about dairy consumption going forward. it wasn’t too hard to eliminate it so, to keep intake on the lower side should generally be feasible. i will have blood work done just before i go back in two months and hopefully the vitamin deficiencies will have rectified by that point. if not, we’ll go from there, but we’ll see. hoping all of this continues to go well. i just want to be my best, happiest, healthiest self!

other/random

  • while tyler and sarah were here, tyler installed our outdoor nest cam and it has been AMAZING, so cool to have and i have an extra sense of safety with it, which is nice.
  • we went to CT for a few days after the wedding; it was nice overall, but there were a lot of people at the beach house, more than we anticipated, so it wasn’t as relaxing as i’d hoped, but we still had a nice time. my father in law also had some health things going on while we were there so that’s always stressful. 
  • pete got me the most beautiful flowers for our anniversary, they were late because the bouqs was being a jerk, but they are so pretty; i got him a wooden watch and i think he liked it & a card with one of our favorite quotes from the office. we didn’t really do anything in particular to celebrate. it’s been a little crazy, but i’m hoping we can carve out a special date night soon.
  • getting the ipads and procreate has been one of the best things we’ve done this summer - so good for a meditation type activity for me and we’ve both been feeling extra creative.
  • the friday of our anniversary, we got to meet up with pete’s best friend joe who was here visiting from seattle. we met him in asbury and we had a nice dinner. it was great to see him, he’s such a good dude and i know it was a nice boost for pete to have time with him. 
  • i got to see iva on wednesday finally!! and it was so great to be reunited! i missed her so much and couldn’t wait to hear all about her beautiful wedding! we caught up all about her wedding in the DR and i got to share with her about christina’s wedding. we had a delicious lunch (which i can’t stop thinking about and i want to go back and have that salad again stat lol) and it was just so good to be with her. such amazing energy, such a beautiful soul. we are picking more times to hang this summer and we are going to take her and adriel to celebrate their wedding for dinner soon, get fancy and go out! looking forward to that!
  • anna was supposed to come down today for a sister day, but last minute she found out her sister in law needed help with her son and her new twins, so we rescheduled for next week and i am pumped to see her and to catch up!
  • acupuncture continues to be a huge help and i’m so, so glad i found it and started all those weeks ago
  • tomorrow we’re going to a food truck fest in my hometown! i am a little bummed because our godkiddos and their family were supposed to join, but my friend texted me this morning to let us know everyone over there is sick so they won’t make it. but my mom, pete, and i are going, so it should still be fun. 
  • next week also, i’m supposed to have dinner with a cousin who i recently reunited with; we always played together when we were little, and i adored her, she’s a few years older and i looked up to her a lot, but her mom and her mom’s brother (my mom’s cousins) had a falling out, so they stopped coming to family functions which was sad. she and her parents came to christmas this year, first time i had seen her since we were young! and after we saw each other, we were like, we need to get together. she was still living in the south, so now that she’s moved back home (she’s getting divorced i think which sucks, but i believe it’s what is best for her), and school and the wedding are over, we made some set plans. excited to get to know her again!
  • i am SO EXCITED for the educhum meeting we have planned in august!
  • i can pick up my summer pay tomorrow (well, what was deducted from my check all year lol), and thank goodness. i’m applying for VIP kid but it’s been really tough to schedule a time to read through all the material and set up my interview thing because it’s been so busy.
  • today i’m running errands and straightening up. low key day.

alright, if you read all of this, bless you lol. and if you only read parts of it, bless you still! thank you all for your love and support. more soon. :]

The Pocket-Sized Fic Chapter I

(Y/n) x Park Jimin x Unknown Member (you’ll just have to wait and see >:) but I think you’ll be able to guess pretty accurately after reading this chapter so...)

Genre: POCKET-SIZED!BANGTAN, Fluff, heaps of pure fluff, comedy and a hopefully reasonable amount of angst in the future

Summary: Falling in love with the exact pocket-sized replica of your ex-boyfriend might just be the smallest problem you’ll face when your best friend convinces you to look after his pocket-sized friends.

Word Count: 3,133 (yes, I got a bit carried away, I know)

(Y/FF) still stands for your favorite food

Chapter 0,5 / Chapter 2

Originally posted by syubprince


You find out a lot about people after spending a couple of days with them. Take you and your new pocket-sized friends for example.

Just three days ago you had no idea what their names were and now you could recognize them just by their breathing patterns.

You had learned that Jin rarely misses a chance to check his reflection; that Suga had a slight distaste for overly-affectionate people; that J-Hope could probably perform the dance routine of any given girl group. You now knew that Rap Monster could cause a chaos without as much as raising a finger and that Jiminie liked sleeping in your hair rather than in his new bed. It was no secret that V talked to pretty much anything when sleepy and that Kookie could probably start a war with anyone, and would likely come out of it as a winner too.

As the boys’ new ’big’, like they often called you, you had spent all three of your days off with the tiny people, keeping the company and learning about them. It was all too amazing to last forever and on Monday morning you had to get up early to go to work.

“Are you leaving us?” There was a slight hint of panic in Kookie’s voice as he stared at you from his spot on your pillow in pure disbelief. You guessed the boys had little experience with Namjoon going to work, seeing as your good friend didn’t actually have to work much. He was very much unlike you in that sense.

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“As an INTP, why do you drift off so much? What is it really like? Is it really that hard to pay attention? Is the world really that boring to you? It comes off as rude and arrogant sometimes; you’re in the outside world, interact with it! It’s not that bad! You hurt people’s feelings when you drift away, it’s like you don’t care about them or you think they’re wastes of time. No one is worthless!”

Imagine it’s the future (probably the near future if you pay any attention to technology news) and you’re an architect. What you need to do is design and build floor plans for a home. You’re in a room with projectors and you attach these little devices on your fingers. Then, you close your hands touching all ten of your fingers together before opening them wide. As you spread your fingers, a giant holographic, interactive array immediately sprouts in the middle of the room from the projectors. It’s the floor plan you’ve been designing. You can see the doorway, chairs, tables, walls, carpet.. all in fine color and detail. With a swipe of your fingers you can take a virtual first-person tour or you can zoom out to have a bird’s eye-view. You can tap and drag and flip and click and touch and flick, the room literally changing at your finger tips. Move that table here, get rid of that wall, resize that window. All at your command.

Great visual examples of this is in the Iron Man movies with Robert Downey Jr. Any time Tony Stark is hard at work in any of his workshops around the country and interacting with JARVIS, he uses something similar to what I’ve just described. Or in the 2003 movie Paycheck when Ben Affleck’s character reverse-engineers a competitor’s product. Or like in Minority Report with Tom Cruise when he’s interacting with the images of the future crimes that have yet to take place.

A more interactive example is like when you build your homes in The Sims video games. Or in Minecraft, especially with the in-depth mods, of designing and redesigning your different hideouts and safe rooms and bases, your intricate system of railways and redstone circuits.

Imagine this too: In Groundhogs Day with Bill Murray, or let’s say the more recent movie Edge of Tomorrow with Tom Cruise, anytime Cruise’s character dies, he wakes up to the beginning of his day and starts over fresh. He fails an obstacle, dies, wakes up, goes back to that obstacle, remembers how it kills him, and then easily bypasses it. In this way, he is allowed to adapt to battle conditions. He talks to someone, they don’t respond the way he needs them to, he dies, wakes up, tries again with a different approach. Through some personalized time machine made only available to you, you get to experience something similar! Today you have a job interview! You walk in, do terribly, you don’t get the job. Start over! You walk in, almost get the job but said one wrong thing and don’t quite nail it. Start over! You walk in, ace the job interview, and the job is yours.

These are what it’s like for an INTP when we ‘drift off’ or 'aren’t paying attention’ or 'are inside our own head.’ I call it daydreaming. Maybe other types do this as well, but it’s a notorious INTP trait. You have to realize though, that my examples are rudimentary because it barely explains only a couple of facets of our (or at least my) daydreams. It could be about a topic or subject that interests us, pouring over the facts we know about it, how we can learn more, or how we improve upon what we already know. It can be about an event that grabbed us that we’re playing over and over, reliving something amazing or understanding how everything went wrong. It could be about a lesson we’ve learned, found valuable, and how to apply it in our every day lives. It could be a question we have and all the questions that stem from the possible answers we can conceive from the original question, and all the questions that stem from the sub-questions, ad infinitum. It could be about someone we want to talk to and all the conversations we can conceive having with them, and all the answers they could possibly have from the good to the bad.. It could be anything that compels a person to ponder. Except, while other types ponder, we take that to the next level and enter a different reality altogether, a personal reality as impenetrable as we allow it to be.

Sometimes this reality is fragile: we can hear you and see you; we can exit when you’re getting frustrated or something important is happening (like driving or being shot at). Other times, this reality is all-encompassing. The external world is like being outside on a sunny day, and the INTP personal reality is coming inside your home and shutting your door; you can’t feel the warmth of the sun, you can’t feel the hot wind against you, and the neighbor mowing his lawn becomes a distant whir barely a whisper in the distance.. The outside world doesn’t exist anymore, and you can work comfortably and quietly in peace. No social requirements to give you a sunburn, no annoying small talk or emotions to breathe pervasively into your eyes and ears, noises and sights barely a whisper of sensation in the background…..

*pop*
a person appears in your home. Someone you want to have a conversation with.
“Do you want to go out to dinner tonight?”
“I have that thing tonight, you know that.”
*duh, okay start over*
*pop*
“Do you want to go to dinner tomorrow?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Come on, it’ll be fun, where do you live?”
“I’m not telling you where I live”
*that’s a little forward, start over*
*pop*
“Are you free sometime this week?”

(you get the idea)

Or maybe you ARE an architect and the first scenario at the beginning of this post is what applies to you. Or perhaps you’re bored and building a spaceship. Maybe you’re challenging yourself to a long division problem in your head, maybe you were stuck in a video game and you’re replaying it to figure out what you may have missed, or you’re practicing chess strategies, or maybe you’re an artist and going over how to draw a particular body part or shape.

It’s a free space environment where everything is possible and nothing is absurd, full of resources to build what you need, quiet so you can solve that puzzle and answer those questions, omnipotence so you can simulate a situation as you understand it, comfort so you can calm down after an emotional event.. It’s your closet and it is as close to infinity as anyone will ever achieve in size, in depth, and in power.

This is why when you snap an INTP out of their trance, you can get an angry response back. It’s happened enough times to us that we generally just shove our irritation down instead, but how do you feel when someone slams their balled fist against the door of your bed room or the front door of your home as hard as they can, pounding incessantly to get your attention, to urgently open the door as quickly as possible? And then when you open that door, “Yes?” as your calm, rational reply, and your intruder responds with “LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE SALAD I HAD. IT WAS ONLY OKAY, I GOT IT AT…”

How would that make you feel?

Well, we think *Did you really just pull me out of my room or my home for this? Out of my infinity? Out of my personal space? My comfort? For your salad? Hey, fuck you buddy.* or some variation thereof.

The thing is, when someone hurts your feelings because they express disinterest at your salad story, it doesn’t mean your salad story is actually uninteresting. Maybe it is to that person (like for me; your salad story sucks), but other people might value it. And just like us and your garbage salad story, our personalities and the ways that mostly anyone else will ever feel isn’t actually always exactly as you perceive them. You say we’re being arrogant and rude for how we treated your story, we think you’re arrogant and rude for believing your salad was more important than the redesigning of Castle Gaillard for the Hundred Years’ War so the French couldn’t reclaim it in the year fourteen-somethingsomething. Just like we don’t care about your shitty story, you don’t care about our private mind closet (or you wouldn’t have pounded on the door). Was anyone really being rude? Or are we both just biased as to what we think is important?

Am I saying leave us alone? Not always, but sometimes.. Yeah do that. INTPs will always think they’re the most rational. We always think we’re right. So, you might get that INTP who is unapologetic for snapping at you, or who fusses because they want you to leave them alone, because they don’t think they’re being unreasonable or ridiculous. We do sometimes need people to make us realize that how we feel isn’t the *right* way, it’s just one way. As much as some of us (not all of us) hate to admit it, we do need people, and so those that stick around through our bullshit.. or even better, adore our bullshit.. we really do appreciate it, and even if sometimes we think you’re crazy for liking us, we really do know on some level that we need it. Everyone does. Don’t subject yourself to or put up with outright, inappropriate cruelty or meanness.. but do try not to take our perceived coldness and our seeming rudeness personally. We really are worthy, valuable, loyal-to-a-flaw friends, spouses, and companions, and we really do need the patience. Even when it seems we don’t always give patience back, we have plenty of other things to give.

Thank you.

P.S. (Looooooong P.S. about myself, skip this if you aren’t interested in personal rants about myself):
I don’t know if everything I said goes for all INTPs, or if it’s more of an “NT” thing altogether. So if something I said doesn’t apply to you and you’re an INTP, or something (or all of what) I said ALSO applies to you and you’re not an INTP, then accept my apology. Or don’t accept it, I really don’t care.

My daydreams do get intensely all-encompassing and blanket my consciousness to the point that it takes deliberate snapping or shaking me (gently) or one other thing (Ill explain in a sec) to get my attention. Usually though, they’re semi-intentional. “Semi” meaning that while I can definitely make the conscious effort to focus on something and drift away into a daydream, sometimes it’s completely automatic when my subconscious has determined I can’t learn something (or learn something necessary or interesting) from what is being said, and instead it pulls me into a daydream where I can maybe do something or teach myself something I deem more useful.

I also don’t intentionally make them weak or intense. I haven’t experimented or anything like that, but I THINK it depends on how much sensory disturbance I’m getting beforehand. If it’s already really loud and bright, I am not going to be able to go too deep. However, if it’s quiet and not-so-bright, while I will intentionally focus on my whatever-it-is, I’ll unintentionally drift so far deep into my head I might as well be asleep (I’m not asleep, of course, but my reaction to visual and aural stimuli is that of someone taking a nap).

The one other thing I mentioned a moment ago that will pull me out of a daydream is hearing my name. Some of you who follow me know my real name, I’d be grateful if you didn’t reveal it. If you’re nosey (knowsy?) and find it through Google, I’d also appreciate if you didn’t reveal it, but I understand this is the internet where good deeds generally cannot be requested. Still, I’m crossing my fingers and holding my breath. Deadly Question is a pseudonym I’m trying to separate from my name; I am not famous or important, I just have a job and a future career, and those things do not enjoy personal opinions being available on social media, so I’m trying to be responsible. Anyway. I do not enjoy pretending I am better or more capable than other people in any way (okay, maybe pretending, but I am not delusional about it), but I appear to be fine-tuned in recognizing my name when no other words or noises are intelligible, whether in a daydream or not. No matter how far or deep inside of a daydream I will ever be in, I will always hear my name. Even if I don’t respond immediately, you were heard. It’s the knock that can be heard around the world and while I might not answer the door, it is a guarantee that I heard it.

Yesterday morning, I was in a light daydream. I drove home, parked, fished my keys out of my pocket.. and that’s the last thing I remember before I fell much deeper. When I snapped back to reality I was holding my key against the keyhole of my front door, just standing there. Twenty-seven minutes had passed since I looked at the clock in my truck and then my watch after I popped back in. The sun blinded me as it rose pass the trees, or I think I’d have stood there longer. I’m not a stranger to my daydreams, but I realized how weird it might seem to a neighbor if they had been watching me (they weren’t), and that’s part of what inspired me to write this passage.

The other parts were questions I’d received in the past, questions and other posts I’ve read here on Tumblr, questions I personally received here on Tumblr, and verbal fights I’ve had most of which had initially made me feel really guilty about who I am (but don’t worry, those are in the past and worked out already). I do get that my daydreaming can come off as inconsiderate to you, but expecting me to care about the things I don’t actually care about also comes off as inconsiderate to me. I pride myself on having integrity, and me pretending to like someone I don’t, or pretend I care about the things that they say when I don’t, makes me hate myself, with very, very minor exception. I am not so immature that I won’t appeal to others when it’s morally right (according to my own beliefs), or when I want to get along with someone who is important to me or important to someone I find important myself. But otherwise, accept me for who I am and I will damn sure accept you for everything that you are, and you can take that to the bank, son.

Oh my God it’s really the end of the post. Rejoice,

ocean-of-stars  asked:

Idk if you'd be interested, but I thought of a fic idea where Soryu and MC go to a festival and he tries to win her a super large toy (much like in Summer Memories). The game Soryu chooses is of course one of those water gun shooting games, BUT WHAT IF the game was rigged so you have an extremely slim chance of winning and Soryu ends up spending a fair amount of money and getting super frustrated because he was too stubborn to quit.

Omg I had so much fun writing this! I’m really glad I got this request and I really hope you enjoy this (^^)

The Night Festival
Rating: G
Mc x Soryu
Ryosuke and Samejima tag along

It was another hot day, but the nights have been pretty cool lately. I wonder how the guys are doing at the office. Soryu’s been using the idea of keeping the ac off to toughen them up. I think all it does is make Ryosuke grateful for my care package of ice cream at every visit. I smile and laugh a little at the thought of his smile lighting up a room. Anyway, I think of what flavors to pick up as I change out of my uniform and head out.

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anonymous asked:

a blog I used to really like recently went on a long rant about how asexuality isn't a thing and how "heterosexual asexual" people don't belong in the community or on her blog (she blocked me when I said something lol) and how the aces who aren't "straights trying to muscle in" are closeted lesbians and it just made me a lot madder than I expected something like that would and so this week I'm making a point to thank everyone on my dash writing about asexuality. Thanks for making me feel better!

Argh okay, well, I’ll start by saying I’m glad I’ve made you feel better, but I must now go on a rant of my own. 

First of all, “heterosexual asexual” is completely not a thing. That’s like saying “heterosexual homosexual” (not bi) or “tall short.” They’re two mutually exclusive things! You can’t be both!! You could be asexual and hetero-romantic, but romantic orientation IS NOT THE SAME THING as sexual orientation. You’re either heterosexual or you’re asexual. One or the other. Not both. [edit: In a cooler frame of mind now and adding an addendum with respect to a very good comment I received in a reblog: asexuality, as with most sexuality, is most definitely a spectrum and some people do have preferences for one gender or the other even though they do feel most comfortable with the asexual label. If my words were dismissive or exclusive I humbly apologize! What I really meant was–if you claim the label asexual, and do not WANT the label heterosexual, then regardless of how or why you might prefer one gender–be it aesthetically, romantically, even physically–no one else has the right to foist the label on you!]

As for the rest…unfortunately, I’ve seen a lot out there about how asexuals don’t belong in the community. It frustrates me to no end, because the LGBQTIA+ community is based largely on the joining together of people who do not identify with the hetero-normative (and amatonormative, in the case of aromantics) culture, and who the hell identifies LESS with the norm than asexuals?! Sex is EVERYWHERE. Sex is on TV. Sex is in the newspaper, in the movies, on the internet. Sex is on the radio, in music, in books. Human beings are OBSESSED with sex. I would argue that asexuals are further from the norm than homosexuals, because if you say, “okay, these three people are each talking about dessert, and of these two, this one likes cake and this one likes pie, but this third one here doesn’t like dessert at all”–who’s considered more of an outsider? Sure, the first two may disagree on the kind of dessert they prefer, but at least they’re both dessert eaters. They at least have that much in common! They can relate to one another’s appetites, if not their specific tastes.

Now, I’m not trying to say that asexuals have it harder–that’s not the point, because this isn’t a competition. Homosexuals certainly face hardship, often of devastating proportion. And being out and open about homosexual relationships can expose people to mockery, ridicule, even real physical danger. I’m in no way trying to downplay that! My point here isn’t to say one or the other is better or worse off, but only to point out that asexuals, while perhaps not as visible on a day-to-day basis, face their own social and emotional isolation–and not the least because a large percentage of the population either isn’t aware of their existence. And, as we have seen, a large number of those who are go out of their way to deny us and try to erase our identities altogether!

I see people who think asexuals are ‘trying to muscle in’ to the LGBQTIA+ community or who think they are ‘super special flowers,’ and a lot of them think so because we as a group tend to come out later in life. I myself only realized I was ace about three years ago (I’m 31). There’s a REASON for that, though: if you’re heterosexual, you’re having urges toward the opposite sex. If you’re homosexual, you’re having urges toward the same sex. If you’re bisexual, you’re having urges toward both, etc. and so forth for the other letters in the group. But if you’re asexual? You aren’t having urges at all. And how much harder is it to notice something you’re NOT feeling–something which you’ve NEVER felt, and something for which you have literally NO FRAME OF REFERENCE? I STILL turn to my best friend from time to time and ask her to explain sexual attraction to me, just to try to wrap my head around it. “So when you look at her,” I’ll say, pointing to an attractive woman, “you have a physical response? That’s what you mean when you say she’s hot?”  

So why didn’t I know I wasn’t having these responses until I was 28? Because I live in a culture that so strongly assumed I was having them that I assumed I must be, too. I have an appreciation for aesthetic beauty. I’m an artist, in fact, so I would argue I have a rather STRONG appreciation for aesthetic beauty. I assumed the awe I felt when I saw an attractive person was sexual attraction, and since I do have a libido and do experience physical arousal (much in the same way I experience hunger or exhaustion–as a pure biological function), I assumed that when people dated, they just waited around until the both of them had that random urge at the same time, and boom, that’s when sex happened. Or, if that random urge never hit at the same time, then one would go ahead and have sex even though they weren’t that into it, and that was the ‘compromise’ everyone always talked about when they talked about relationships and making them work.

This is why your former friend’s bigoted, narrow-minded attitude toward asexuality is so dangerous. I guarantee you I’m not alone in the way I used to think. There are asexuals out there who don’t realize it’s okay to say no if they don’t want sex–who think they have to say yes, or they’ll be alone, abandoned, or worse. Who are essentially allowing themselves to be raped, physically and emotionally, for the sake of fulfilling a cultural imperative they don’t realize they aren’t required to fulfill–all because asexuals are still being ostracized by members of the community that should be accepting, welcoming, and educating them. 

Before coming to terms with and accepting my identity, I was in two long-term relationships, both of which involved sex. Both were semi long-distance (one was a 45-minute drive, the other 2-hour) so I didn’t see them as often as I might have, but I grew to dread weekend visits, knowing what was going to be expected of me. I hated knowing what I was going to have to do, and hated more not understanding why I didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me–until the glorious day I saw someone’s post that said the A stood for Asexual, and the pieces began to fall into place. 

Asexuality is very, very real. And asexuals have just as much of a right to their place in the LGBQTIA+ community as any other letter. Don’t ever, EVER, let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Reflection

Check Please - Zimbits.  1800 words.  A03.

After the game with the Aces, Jack and Bitty talk.

-Reaction fic to Junior Year #8: LVA @PVD Part II

*****

Jack sends Bitty a quick text as he leaves the rink, just letting Bitty know he’ll call soon. Bitty texts back, “okay – love you” and doesn’t ask any questions.  

It has become their routine – quick texts here and there, tiding them over until Jack can be alone, and they can talk.  The dull ache of hiding their relationship is ever-present, but Jack doesn’t have a solution for it, at least not right now.  All he can do is give Bitty as much love as he can, and soak up Bitty’s love in return, and hope that’s enough to carry them through.

When Jack finally makes it back to his apartment he leaves his shoes and jacket by the door, and starts pressing Bitty’s number before he even sits down on the couch.

“Hey there, handsome.” Bitty’s voice is soft.  “How are you?  You didn’t get hurt in that dogpile, did you?”

“Just a few bruises, I think,” Jack replies, pressing a hand to his side where someone’s knee had landed. “Nothing serious.”

It’s quiet for a moment, and Jack leans back against the couch cushions, closing his eyes.  He can imagine Bitty is there with him in his apartment, maybe standing in the kitchen, waiting for a pie to be ready.  “Tell me about your day,” he says finally.  He knows there is more to say – about the game, about Kent – but he’s not quite ready.

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Aro/Aces Over Twenty - My Experience

I’m 23, I’m aro/ace.

I’ve been wanting to write this for a long time, I think I finally found the right way to do it. Please contact me with any questions:)

I’m writing this because I really believe things would of been a hell of a lot different for me if I had known of these terms earlier. This is my experience, and I hope somebody else can use it to avoid the mistakes I made. 

Intro

I can remember the exact moment when I should have realized I was aro/ace. I was 15, I had a great boyfriend, who was handsome, objectively attractive, kind, honest, and everything I wanted from a partner. A moment passed between us when it struck me that, I should really be attracted to him, I should be motivated to do something sexually with him. But I don’t feel anything.

[I shrugged off the feeling. We mutually broke up a several months later realizing we were never really anything but “good friends”]

Why it was hard to realize I was aro/ace.

I like sex (in general). I like being close to someone, I like being special to them. I like the way people look at me when they’re attracted to me, want to date me. Any emotional or physical problems I had with sex I figured were natural for a female who wasn’t supposed to like sex anyway, or at least grew up thinking she wasn’t supposed to. I had talked to allosexual female friends who had this same problem. And any problems I had with romantic relationships I chalked it up to the relationship itself–the guy, the situation, he wasn’t doing something or did something too much, etc. I never dug deeper than that, into my internal basic motivations. Until I saw on TV something that I wanted way more than what I was pretending to want.

What changed.

I watched a TV show, starring a man and a woman. The woman was a healthy aromantic bisexual with very low interest in sex (who nonetheless went out and got it when she wanted it without shame). 

I loved this character in a way that made me examine more closely my already confused and tired sexuality. The thing is, I knew at that point what I had been questioning for a long time. I wasn’t straight enough to be heterosexual and wasn’t gay enough to be bisexual. 4 years ago this same question brought me to asexuality blogs, and I found myself re-reading the same things now at the age of 23.

I was highly skeptical of both the asexuality and aromanticism. Asexuality sounded like an excuse for low sex drive and aromanticism just sounded made up. Nonetheless as I kept watching this show I had both terms in my mind. And boy oh boy was my stunning flawless sexually confusing celebrity crush aromantic. She was aromantic in a way that made the term real to me and she had exactly the kind of relationship with her male partner that I had always craved but never knew how to articulate.

Coming Out Aromantic

Aromanticism would have been nice to know about when I was single but I’m in an alloromantic relationship with a man who likes to use the word “love” a lot. The problem is, I just cannot return the sentiment. After owning the term aromantic I take small comfort in the fact that I’m not emotionally damaged, but some days I still feel broken. I like that it’s possible to build strong healthy relationships without love–and that my partner supports this whole-heartedly–but most days I still wish I could just feel whatever it is that gets him so starry eyed. Maybe things would be just a little easier between us. I still haven’t figured it out completely but I now I can move forward without looking for problems in the wrong places. 

Coming Out Asexual 

This was significantly harder. I hated the idea of what the stereotyped-asexual is. There was no denying that I liked sex most of the time. I liked thinking sexual thoughts, they’re fun. I found people hot and liked looking at them. I had male and female celebrity crushes and I took great pleasure in fantasizing about them. It’s only recently I realized I had been over-thinking my sexuality just like I always have. The truth is, I just don’t feel attraction towards people. I just don’t. Especially not towards anyone in real life that I encounter, no matter what the emotional connection. And if I do feel attraction towards a celebrity it’s only because I like them for other reasons and find it easy to use their image as a tool for sexual arousal. 

[Finally realizing the difference between sexual attraction and sexual arousal = HUGE breakthrough for me. I can become physically aroused by sexual images, I am not inherently attracted to anyone.)

Why it’s important for me to ID as aro/ace

Now I know how to frame my relationships without overcomplicating what I’m feeling. That girl at my work who I like more than others–she’s a squish. I mean I personally  hate the term squish….but I know I don’t need to have sexual feelings to be drawn to the way she looks or romantic feelings to love the way she is. And I know that it’s a feeling that only lasts as long as I keep her at a certain distance. And most importantly I know that this way of feeling is natural for me. I’m not making it up to compensate for something else. It’s just the way I’m drawn towards some people and not others, and it’s okay.

Now I know that I want my ideal long term relationship to be a partnership. Not, as I thought before, the Romeo I fell in love with at first sight. But a strong partnership, built on trust, reliability and a desire to move forward together. And if I don’t fall “in love” it doesn’t make that relationship weak. 

Now I know how to approach sex in a way that works for me, without letting my lack of natural attraction or sexual instincts stop me from exploring something I want to explore and share and be apart of. 

I developed squishes without knowing the term, I had boyfriends without knowing I couldn’t fall in love, I had sex without knowing I was asexual, and i doubted, questioned, screamed, tore myself apart, drank myself to sleep pondering the nuances of these things because I knew I wasn’t having normal Romantic or Sexual reactions. In each case whether it was a sexual encounter that left me crying in the bathroom or confusion over a harmless squish I figured that something was really screwed up with me because I felt there was no reason I should be feeling the way I did.

But there was a reason. A pretty obvious and basic reason.

So yes, I could have used the terms asexual and aromantic when I was younger. I needed this identity when I was 15 wondering why I didn’t feel the way I was supposed to towards my casual boyfriend. I would’ve avoided a lot and I mean A LOT of my most significant mistakes. I have developed very unhealthy ideas about relationships and sex that I am still getting over, even though I’m in a healthy relationship now. 

So please please please don’t be afraid to identify with these orientations if you are doubting yourself. You’re not too young. You’re not too inexperienced. And above all its okay to question your identity, and adapt and change your identity as you learn more about yourself.

I went back and forth for a few months wondering if I should submit this anonymously, but I want to be a resource for anyone with questions so please reach out if you have any!

Hot and Cold

Description: A very short fluffy drabble fic that I wrote in response to Phil getting ready to get his wisdom teeth removed (boys I am expecting videos!):)

Length: A very short 2,376 words

Warnings: Literally nothing, dentists and fluff basically

Notes: This was tons of fun to write, and I’d like to give a shoutout to @phanscherryblossom for letting me use their AMAZING tweets they came up with (the funny little Phil anecdotes in the cab)! Check their blog out if you have a sec, they are clearly hilarious and very nice for letting me use their hilarious ideas:)

Hope you all enjoy!

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Park Life

I had an anonymous prompt asking me to write something quite specific so I thought it would fit as a finale ficlet for The Park Series.  The previous parts can be found in my Ramblings if you need a refresher.  Some folks might recognise some backstory from Kismet too.  Also I dedicate this to the wonderful b’day girl mirandasmadeofstone - I hope this little ficcy takes the edge off of the undesirable day?

Thanks to nemo-miracle-grow for finessing.😘

Park Life

Finn was filled with excitement and nervous energy as he packed his cool bag ready for his favourite day of the year.  It was the 28th of July; ‘Picnic Day’ and he was as giddy as a child in a sweet shop.  Every year he prepared a picnic so he and Rae could celebrate the anniversary of their first date seven years before.

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