i made this because i hate feeling joy

10.22.17

Today I am 9 weeks!

I had tried to post something earlier but this shit wouldn’t let me post it. So I lost my whole fucken post. Pretty upset about it 😒

I’m pretty excited, the baby shower was a success last night. I saw my cousin who I haven’t seen/heard from in a about 4-5 years. (We had some family problems when we were younger) we’ve been texting all morning 💕

We talked got her number and it was just good ❤️

It brought me so much joy. I met her son who is going to be 6 next month. Such an adorable kid ❤️😘 I’ve seen him before but he wouldn’t really talk to me or anything. My aunt kind of kept him distant away from us. 🙄

However, today and yesterday I’ve had better appetite. Which I’m really excited about. I’ve been pushing food away to a while now and I hated it because it made me feel like crap.

8

“I am a perfectionist. I think I was like that since I was young. If I had to present something in school, I hated saying stuff that made no sense so I would practice over and over again until I memorized everything. I always plan things out. If I don’t have an organized plan of what I’m going to do the next day, I can’t fall asleep. If I feel that the things I have to do is overwhelming, I organize it on a memo and post it beneath where I sleep, and only then can I relax. Because of this, Yeri tells me I live such a tired life, but I can’t help that this is my personality.”

8

my favourites: joy

In reality, I am a perfectionist. I think I was like that since I was young. If I had to present something in school, I hated saying stuff that made no sense so I would practice over and over again until I memorized everything. I always plan things out. If I don’t have an organized plan of what I’m going to do the next day, I can’t fall asleep. If I feel that the things I have to do is overwhelming, I organize it on a memo and post it beneath where I sleep, and only then can I relax. Because of this, Yeri tells me I live such a tired life, but I can’t help that this is my personality.

Got7 AU To Their Gf's Debut Stage

Hey guys it’s Rubz and I’m doing my first solo reaction so I hope yall like it and don’t hate too much plz! (Btw this list is in no particular order) 

Originally posted by jiminschicken

BamBam: You know, I feel like he would be the one jumping of excitement and joy n screaming your name because he knows what you’ve been thorough and he is proud that he made it on stage. 

Originally posted by strxctlygotseven

Jackson: Jackson, I feel like he would be the same thing, but extra asf like friggin screeching and he prob snook in like glitter or confetti to through around becuase he feels like it’s THAT lit.

Originally posted by omojinyounghobi

Jaebum (JB): Even though Got7 is basically Extra7, or meme7, I think JB would be like of the calmest, like clapping and grinning with happiness. Maybe even shout occasionally.

Originally posted by saranghaeyojw

 Jinyoung (JR): He would be just honestly shook. But in a good way. With all of your impressive dancing and rapping/vocals, there’s no doubt he would have a face full of shock. 

Originally posted by deanrbll

Youngjae: YoungJ right here, would probably go soft. Like he would just be amazed and so proud of his girl. There’s no doubt he would be the one clapping/shouting the most. He would just support you all the way. 

Originally posted by choiyoungjae

Mark: I’m thinking Mark would be like JB. Calm and not too energetic. But that doesn’t mean he’s not happy to see your debut. As your bf he will always be with you throughout your career. 

Originally posted by gsvnrewind

Yugyeom: This boy would be like Jackson. Just Hype and giddy af during your performance. Just all out a little kid on caffeine, and LOTS of it. He’s overjoyed that you are doing what you love and thinks you look amazing while doing it. 

Originally posted by gsvnrewind

Hope you guys like it cyaaa! -Rubz

So I just wanted to say some thoughts on recent developments with several youtubes turning out to be pretty shitty people, or at least making it way more obvious than it was in the past, such as basically anything and everything JonTron’s been saying and PewDiePie (although did anyone like him THAT much now?) 

It’s okay to have some level of nostalgia for their videos and to enjoy their old work, if that’s your cup of tea, for whatever reason. Those videos have nothing to do with their political or moral beliefs, and watching them could give you a completely different feeling from whatever you’re feeling now.

I haven’t really given a shit about PewDiePie in years, but I was a fan of JonTron. I never made myself a twitter, and I wasn’t enough of a fan to go searching his tag on Tumblr or anything to find out about the things he’d said, until a friend showed me recently and I went deeper down the rabbit hole. There are still videos of his that I enjoy, because they’ve had a lot of value to me, helping me cheer up in some really hard times. I feel betrayed that I never knew we had such wildly different beliefs, I never got that from any of his videos. He was just some guy talking about video games.

I don’t feel comfortable supporting JonTron not just because of his beliefs, but because he seems to be very defensive of them and resistant to criticism, I don’t have any confidence that he’ll change.

But if you enjoyed his content, and can still get those same feelings of comfort and joy that helped you through those hard times, then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I’m not going to enjoy Edward Scissorhands or Sweeney Todd any less because I hate Johnny Depp, and while I wont support him in the future either, this is basically my long way of saying that your feelings aren’t suddenly invalid just because you no longer agree/like the person who made something that made you feel good.

If you wanna enjoy those videos and use them to laugh off a bad day, that’s all on you, life is tough and shitty and do what makes you feel good, but it’s also important to ask yourself if you feel comfortable supporting them now. Those good memories are yours, they don’t belong to whoever hurt you, enjoy them if they still offer you comfort.

The Beach // V angst

Originally posted by taestylips


If I told you that I loved you
Tell me, what would you say?

He was your friend, it made you feel worse than you were hopelessly in love with him but he wasn’t into you. He was sitting in the living room, laughing at the characters in your favourite show. You loved his laugh, it was angelic. You could have sworn he was an angel that fell from heaven to bring joy in your life.

If I told you that I hated you
Would you go away?

He didn’t notice how you looked at him. He didn’t notice how you would take off running if he needed you. You tried to repress the feelings you have for him because they weren’t going to be returned.

Now I need your help with everything that I do

You tried to ignore it for so long. You avoided him for a week until he finally caught you. You were silent and he begged you to know what was wrong. He pleaded with you, you gave in when his voice started to crack. He broke down in front of you and you held him. He held onto you, setting your feelings ablaze. They just couldn’t die.

I don’t want to lie, I’ve been relying on you

He was your support, your rock, what held you together when you wanted to fall apart. You couldn’t deny it.

Fallin’ again, I need a pick-me-up
I’ve been callin’ you “friend, ” I need to give it up

You sat beside him, him smiling at you but it disappeared at your expression. You could melt away from him just looking or paying attention to you. But you need to do this. You had to do this.

I’m sick, and I’m tired too
I can admit, I am not fireproof

“Tae? Can we just talk?” Your voice shaky, you didn’t know how you were going to do this. You didn’t know how this would end. You almost didn’t want to find out either.

I feel it burning me
I feel it burning you

“Sure. What’s on your mind, Y/N?”
He perked up and you tried to calm yourself. Your hands were clinging onto the fabric of your sweatpants. Your knuckles turning white at the pressure you were pulling it at.

“Y/N? Are you okay?” He put his hands on top of yours, immediately relaxing your muscles and you took a deep breath. This is your last chance.

I hope I don’t murder me
I hope I don’t burden you
If I do, If I do

“Tae, I like you.”

Book Review: Tiny Pretty Things

Title: Tiny Pretty Things
Author: Sona Charaipotra and Dhonielle Clayton
Genres:  Contemporary, Realistic
Pages: 448
Publisher: HarperTeen
Review Copy: ARC from publisher
Availability: On shelves May 26th

Summary: Black Swan meets Pretty Little Liars in this soapy, drama-packed novel featuring diverse characters who will do anything to be the prima at their elite ballet school.

Gigi, Bette, and June, three top students at an exclusive Manhattan ballet school, have seen their fair share of drama. Free-spirited new girl Gigi just wants to dance—but the very act might kill her. Privileged New Yorker Bette’s desire to escape the shadow of her ballet star sister brings out a dangerous edge in her. And perfectionist June needs to land a lead role this year or her controlling mother will put an end to her dancing dreams forever. When every dancer is both friend and foe, the girls will sacrifice, manipulate, and backstab to be the best of the best.

Review:  I haven’t seen or read Pretty Little Liars, but have seen Black Swan so I wasn’t too sure what to expect from Tiny Pretty Things. I remembered the intensity of the ballet company in Black Swan, so I imagined that the competition between the three lead characters in Tiny Pretty Things would be intense. What I didn’t expect, because I was Pretty Little Liars ignorant, would be the level of “mean girlness” that existed by a few members of the ballet academy. Either way, I was so involved with the story that I sacrificed sleep to finish it. And then…that ending! Thank goodness there is a sequel because that ending was just cruel to readers with such a cliffhanger.  But I digress…

Tiny Pretty Things just killed me - in a good way. Seriously. It’s been a bit since I read it and  Gigi, Bette and June are still with me. I was so into the world that Ms. Charaipotra and Ms. Clayton created that during some true OMG moments, I had to remind myself that it was a novel. That some of the characters really wouldn’t behave that way in real life. That ballet academies are not as cut-throat as what is depicted in movies such as Black Swan and in the novel (at least I hope). But, at no time did I ever want to put the book down and take a break from all of the backstabbing and manipulation that was going on. No, I was intrigued to find out what would happen next and try to figure out which character really did what. I do love that I could never figure it out, and as one who loves to solve a mystery but is disappointed once I figure out before the characters do, I was glad that I was continually kept guessing. In fact, in reference to the cliffhanger, I still have no idea what happened. When I read the last page, I was irritated because I wanted the second book already. I needed to know what happened next. I wasn’t actually ready to leave Gigi, Bette and June behind. And that is the hallmark of a great, fun novel.

Within the YA sphere there has been discussion about creating unlikable characters, especially female unlikeable characters, and whether or not the readers will connect with said character. In Tiny Pretty Things, there are a number of female characters that the reader just loves to hate! These characters are not one dimensional, mustache twirly villains, they are complex characters whose reasons for doing the bad things they do make sense to them. Even though the characters are unlikeable, and people I really would not want to be around in person, I was still able to feel for them, connect with them because Ms. Charaipotra and Ms. Clayton, made me understand them and even empathize them. I am of the camp that YA writers should write unlikeable female characters because unlikeable girls/women do exist, but also for readers to allow themselves to stretch their compassion muscles and understand people for both the good and the bad decision they make. I salute Ms. Charaipotra and Ms. Clayton for not holding back in their creations of Gigi, Bette and June because if all three girls were sweet, model perfect ballerinas the story would have been very boring. Instead Gigi, Bette and June are interesting characters that made me feel for them all sorts of feelings - compassion, joy, anger, hate. But most of all I saw them as distinct young women each trying their hardest to achieve their dream of becoming a prima ballerina. Those three characters make Tiny Pretty Things the amazing, intense novel that it is and why I’m anxiously waiting for the sequel.

Recommendation: You best buy it on May 26th. Make Tiny Pretty Things a best seller please!

This has got to stop...

I posted my 13 week picture tonight. Almost instantly I get anonymous messages that I’m being insensitive and rubbing it in those who are struggling to conceive faces. And a real friend texted me asking if I was going to do this all 27 weeks I have left because it caused her pain.

The TTC community is such a wonderful place when you’re TTC. There are so many women who have so much knowledge and are so willing to talk and listen and give real advice when you need it. (And not just the try not trying!) the women who have been in the trenches for a long time really know how you feel. They are so welcoming. But it seems the second you actually achieve the goal we are all struggling to achieve, they kick you out and hate you.

We struggled for 21 months. Multiple rounds of Clomid and Progesterone. Over a year of Metformin. 2 losses. We were close to IUIs. I’m thankful every day that it didn’t get as hard for us as it has been for other people. That doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard. I too have Facebook friends who would announce their pregnancies. Some with their husbands, some from one night stands. I have held my head in my hands and asked my husband if we weren’t as deserving as others. If I was being punished. If I wasn’t good enough. And to top it all off, I’ve worked in labor and delivery for 4 years! And I took doula classes and lactation classes in my spare time. My entire life was trying to conceive and labor and delivery. I helped deliver triplets to a 16 year old who got pregnant the night she lost her virginity. It was HARD.

But, I would NEVER let anyone, whether online or in real life, know that their pregnancy hurt me. Nor did I accuse anyone taking bump photos or maternity photos of rubbing it in anyone’s faces. Yes it hurt like hell, but I kept those feelings to myself. Or in really bad cases, my husband. I would never take away anyone’s joy over their child. That is sad and really its narcissistic. You’re making my pregnancy with my rainbow baby about you.

I hate to lose friends I’ve made in the TTC community because I hope so much they get their BFPs soon and I can’t wait to follow their journeys. But if you can’t handle my being excited about my pregnancy, then please, just quietly unfollow me. There is no need to make a scene or take away part of my joy.

I have earned the right to take bump pictures if I want to. I’m sorry if you haven’t learned the gracious and classy art of “happy for you and sad for me”. But please stop. You are taking away pieces of my happiness.

a year ago i went to pride in a big city soon after the supreme court ruling and watched as a gay couple was married to the cheers of delight of everyone around

i saw people of all ages celebrating their identity, youths there with their parents, to the elderly who have seen so much and we’re so fortunate that they’re still with us today

city officials with signs saying “we love marrying you”

balloons and amazing costumes and floats and cheers and laughter and hugs

there was just so much happiness, so much joy, so much love

i just don’t understand why people hate this, hate us

how can they come into a place of so much goodness and want to hurt people

beyonce literally had me in tears at the end of lemonade because she really made me feel better about being a black woman more than ever. all my life I wanted to be a white girl, I hated my hair, I hated how dark I was, shit I remember searching on the Internet “how to make your skin look lighter” i always saw white girls on tv shows and movies, and seeing that lemonade was STRICTLY all black women made me cry tears of joy, watching lemonade made me deviate from self-hate and blossom into a self-loving care free black girl and I’m sure she did the same to thousands of other black girls, this is exactly what we need

anonymous asked:

Once there was a time when i hated destiel and now thanks too you it's now my opt.

MY HEART JUST MADE A LEAP OF JOY? like, full-on blushy joy

i don’t know why this makes me so happy but it’s like sincere glee that i get to read this

i’ve actually had a lot of people tell me they’ve followed me but don’t care for that aspect, and i totally respect that! (it’s why i make sure to tag everything–both to help me archive and because i know that’s super not some peoples’ jam) but i feel like it’s rare that someone who previously wasn’t about it has come to finding themselves totally into it

idk right now i’m just looking at this like

i hope you continue to enjoy, and i’m happy i could be an assisting factor to turning the desti-bus around. good day to you!

Bo Burnham's "Repeat Stuff" is so important to me

This week, Bo Burnham released a music video for his song “Repeat Stuff” that parodies the hits of popular boy bands and pop stars we all know (but might not love). Dissecting this song, it is much more than a parody. It is a commentary on the strange culture that develops around pop stars and their fans. Young girls hang on to every word their idols say, or tweet, and maybe this isn’t so sane.

This song hits a very personal note with me because, as a young teen, I was very fanatical about my favorite boy bands and would have practically given my life for any member of the Disney Channel troupe. But, concurrently with this time in my life, I was suffering with depression that quickly escalated to a point where I was put in therapy. I am not trying to imply that any young starlet caused my mental demons, but the intense fan culture may have elevated my depressive thoughts. 

Pop stars like to spread the message of believing in yourself and send it out with love to millions of unknown faces, all while living lives so privileged and luxurious that they are almost unrelatable to the average fan. These messages of love for their fans are sweet on the surface, but can confuse young people who don’t fully understand the concept of love. That word shouldn’t be thrown around so easily. Stars aren’t in touch with each and every fan individually, and what even condones a fan in the first place? Probably anyone who supports an artist by buying their merchandise. Love shouldn’t be based on money. Love can’t be sent out over twitter. Love means something more than that. While I was at my most fanatic, I was convinced that no love was stronger than the love between me and my favorite musicians. Because as Bo says, “how could love be wrong?" 

And it has taken me a long time to accept the fact that my obsessions only made the depression and self loathing worse, even though every song on every album and every star in every band and every show was telling me that they were making me happier. Because my money was making them happier. But celebrities usually make us criticize ourselves by holding average people up to unrealistic standards, which doesn’t cause happiness in anyone I know. The endless cycle of feeling terrible, then being gratified by celebrities, who I compared myself to, which made me feel terrible, was never ending. While in therapy, upon hearing my obsessions for these pop stars, my therapist advice that I stopped listening to my favorite artists because, "they don’t care about you. They’re too busy counting their money.” This, of course, made me hate my therapist and not take him seriously. He didn’t know the joy every concert brought me! How happy I was to be pushed and pulled at in front of the stage at a concert, just to reach my hand out to be denied a touch from a real celebrity, 5 feet from me, surrounded by a sea of like minded girls in a deafening arena. Now, I think that this atmosphere would evoke feelings of terror, not joy. Now, when I see the covers of magazines like Tiger Beat, I just see an impossible level of excitement that I know I could never reach.

 

Most young girls are practically raised to be fans of pop culture because it is marketed so well at them. We don’t look down on these fanatic young girls until they get violent and threaten people to defend their favorite irrational stars. Every time a star is insulted you can hear the preteen army of fans marching up to trample such blasphemy. Often their replies to criticism are violent, abusive, and contain death threats (which is illegal). Any star that can cause such an uprising of violence can’t be as great as their fans would say that they are.

The music video concludes with Bo Burnham, as a pop star, entering the room of a fan where there are posters of himself on the wall, strangling the young girl with a pillow, and then literally ripping her heart out. The young fan is even wearing a tee shirt with his name on it, that he rips through to gruesomely grab the heart out of her chest. To me, this symbolizes that the same person you obsess over can kill you. You shouldn’t devote your life or your income to someone you may never meet. I did for years and I only regret it. To this day I still cringe when I see the stars that I obsessed over in the news and I try to avoid celebrity media as much as possible, because it reminds me of a past version of myself that I try not to relate to anymore. I was an insane, irrational, fanatic teen with no regard for my own wellbeing. The perfect prey for corporate bosses looking for an easy buck.

Now, I am much smarter and emotionally stable than I used to be, thank goodness. Obviously, this video is comedic on the surface, and filled with hilarious subliminal messages. But, it helped me deal with a difficult time of my life and come to terms with pop culture by finally being able to laugh about it. 

THANK YOU BO

anyone who didn’t get 5sos tickets today, i feel really sorry & i totally understand if it brought you to tears or made you angry. & the fact that stubhub & those sites are selling them for over $200 is absolutely sick. if the boys could do anything about it, i’m sure they would because they would hate to know their fans were upset & lost their chance to see them. it sucks that scalpers don’t understand the joy that seeing your favorite band in concert means, they need to find a different way to make money besides taking away fans happiness. i’m sorry guys but these boys are just on the rise & i promise they’ll be coming back.