i thought i had lost myself when i lost him.
but that is not true.
i lost myself when i let him have me.
i lost myself when i let him cross lines i had never before let a man cross.
i lost myself when i set my morals aside because of him.
i lost myself when i let him break my rules without ever starting a fight.
i lost myself when i lost myself in him.
when there was only him i saw.
when i, myself, became nonexistent. when i made his needs my needs, his values my values, his morals my morals and his rules my rules.
i lost myself when i became someone else for him.
that is when i lost myself.
and to be quite honest, i haven’t found myself ever since.
Listen Tumblr might be a great big shithole but I met the person I love most in the whole world on this shithole and I made friendships I wouldn’t trade for anything and what I’m saying is in the dark cesspit of this hell some of the interpersonal relationships are the only bright points.
So I made more McHanzo AU doods to raise my moral.
This time they are based on @sadakotetsuwan‘s McHanzo AU The Cooking Cowboy, with Jesse McCree, where our fav cowman is a Youtube celebrity that does cooking tutorials, D.Va is his “camerawoman, producer, tech guru an’ all-around cheerleader”, and Hanzo becomes his n°1 fan~
Oh and each chapter ends with detailed cooking recipes I so wanna try But I am a terrible cook though _( ᐛ` 」∠)＿
Y/N entered her Appartement. She took off her coat and slipped out of her shoes. Her feet hurt, horribly. Y/N’s job was killing her lately. As a waitress at the grill, you had to be fast, energetic, friendly. Friendly, included having to put up with creeps and weirdos of all kind. Sometimes even supernatural ones. Y/N walked into the kitchen, humming to herself. God, was she hungry. Today her lunch break was cut short because someone had called in sick. In the end she had to take their shift. She had been working overtime the whole week, the new owner of the grill was a dick, so she was figured that she wouldn’t be paid for those hours. Y/N just shrugged and opened the refrigerator. It was empty. Was she starting to go crazy? Y/N could swear that she refilled it just yesterday, so why was it empty? ‘Oh sorry,’ I ate all your food, it was disgusting,’ a deep voice behind of said. Y/N turned around. It was Kai Parker. He was one of the supernatural creeps she had to put up with. Kai was good looking, beautiful even. But his personality was…quite shocking. For some reason Kai had started following her. Waiting at her apartment after she was done working, or showing of at random places like the grocery store. 'I’ve told you not to came here anymore,’ Y/N shot him a dirty look,’ and why would you eat my food? You can’t even taste anything.’ Kai laughed, his signature laugh, that made her question her morals sometimes. 'I thought if there was nothing to eat, you would let me take you out to dinner,’ he offered. Y/N couldn’t hide her surprise. Was he, was Kai Parker asking her on a date? 'Wh-y..why would I go on a da-ate with..you?’ She stuttered. The heretic raised an eyebrow. 'Because you are my girlfriend,’ he said as if it was something blatantly obvious only Y/N didn’t knew about. 'Kai, I’ve told you. You are not my boyfriend,’ this conversation had been a routine in the last weeks. In the end Kai would leave, with a sad look on his face, thinking about how to convince Y/N, the most stunning women he had ever met. And Y/N would spend the night all alone, wondering if sending him away had been the right decision.
That night Y/N woke up because of a noise in her living room. She was frightened at first, turning on the light. But as soon as she had smelled that old cologne, the one that threatened to make her go weak in the knees, she knew who was responsible for the noise. Y/N entered the dark living room. Her satin robe was wrapped tight around her body and her hair was up in a messy bun. 'Kai?’ She whispered into the dark. Silence. Carefully Y/N turned on the light. She looked around but stopped abruptly, when she saw him . Kai was stuck in her window. One of his arms and one leg was inside, the rest wasn’t. Y/N walked over to him. Kai was drawing things onto the glass of the window. ,tel em ni’, what was that supposed to mean? The heretic said something, but it was impossible to understand what. She tried to read his lips. ,let me in’. Ah! That made sense. Y/N opened the window and helped Kai get inside. They were standing in front of each other, they’re faces only a few centimeters apart. Y/N could feel her cheeks go red, so she quickly turned away. ’ It is two am, Kai. What do you want?’ she muttered. Y/N was still pissed about the fact that he had woken her up. ’ I just…wanted to see you,’ Kai said shifting awkwardly, from one foot to the other.
'Look, Malachai, this is not ok. You can’t just come here in the middle of the night and expect me to spend time with you,’ Y/N stated. ’ I just,’ he began,’ I need an answer.’ Y/N looked at him. Maybe it was that maddening smile or the scent of his cologne, maybe Y/N was just tired but suddenly she realized, that she liked Kai Parker. She realized how truly beautiful he was. And that whatever he was going to ask her, she wanted him to stay. Y/N took a step towards Kai. ’ Well then tell me,’ she answered innocently. Kai looked down at her, with his beautiful blue eyes. He was intoxicating and Y/N began to wonder how she never noticed before.
’ J-just tell me to go and I will, but if you asks me to stay…I’ll never leave you again’ Kai bit his lip. Looking at her worriedly, wondering what she was going to say. He was sick of playing games and now he would finally get an answer. He had debated many times whether he should kidnap her, or maybe even kill her. It had been unbearable for him, to not be able to sleep next to her. Hold her hand. All these little things.
'Never leaving sounds good to me,’ Y/N chuckled and pressed and agonizingly slow kiss to Kai’s mouth. The heretic couldn’t do anything. He had imagined this so many times, but now he didn’t know where to start. 'oh,’ Y/N whispered,’ was that the wrong answer?’ Kai laughed. 'No, never leaving sounds good to me too.’ He took her hands in his and pulled her closer. Finally, he thought. Finally, he could be with only woman he wanted to be with.
The vampire looked from the golem to Vimes. “You gave one of them a voice?” he said. “Yes,” said Dorfl. He reached down and picked up the vampire in one hand. “I Could Kill You,” he said. “This Is An Option Available To Me As A Free-Thinking Individual But I Will Not Do So Because I Own Myself And I Have Made A Moral Choice.” “Oh, gods,” murmured Vimes under his breath. “That’s blasphemy,” said the vampire. He gasped as Vimes shot him a glance like sunlight. “That’s what people say when the voiceless speak.”
Maybe it doesn’t matter if we never knew each other’s favorite color, because I still remember your perfect day is 55 degrees and overcast. We sat talking for hours, but I still don’t know your brother’s name. And you made jokes about my morality, but still don’t know my parent’s jobs. I guess it never mattered that we didn’t know each other’s favorite food or other best-friend things we should’ve known, I guess we just knew each other, and that was enough