i love you uli

let’s go a bit back in time. i started this blog in october 2011 as a complete potterhead and “random” kind of blogger. and now after nearly four years of having this blog, changing fandoms multiple times and ending up being a dark larrie i recently have hit 1k. and you guys don’t even know how excited that made me, i was literally squealing. so as a kind of celebratory thing, even though i dread it more than anything else, i present you my first follow forever. enjoy (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧

i just want to make a quick shout out to my friends i know in real life:
i-am-gaga ; you are one of the most important peeps in my life and i am just very glad to have you and also that your blog gives me a kind of daily dose of fierceness
scienceysuperheroine; i love you so very much my little uli-munchkin and i just hope i will see you soon again, because i miss you and i basically look at the pics from last year everyday and laugh about how fetus we both look although it’s only like twelve months ago <3

mutuals / faves are bolded, although nearly all of you are faves

16to18 , 17hrry , 3words-larryisreal , 91soccerlou , aberharry , adidaslouiss , admirestylinson , afteryouharry , airportlarrie , allhaillou , apocketsizedlouis , aslowmotionaccident , badblouds , ballerinahxrry , barefootau , brillouant , bundlesofharry , burberryandvans ,  calmtommo , cameronmansel , canyonharry , carrotsandbananas , celestialourry , cerealphil , chillarry , chopsueylou , ciaoloueh , cloudycurls , clumsyhazz , cooliolarry , couldneverhurtusnow , cuddlyblue , curlsandvans , cutiepatootieharry

daggeremoji , dauntlouis , delightlouis , devotedlysolarrie , devotedtolouis , dickqlique , dimpledlxrry ,  drunkinlouis , dulcelarry , eatlouisout , elounever , eternel-larry , excusemestyles , exposeharry , eyebrowed-birds , fightingforlarry , fightmeloueh , firstfeb , floral-lou , flowerpotlouis , fookinghaz , fookinloseh , foxlsgold , froggyandlou , frootloup , gallouvich , gaybancls , gigglestyles , girlalmighthey , girlalmightyjpg , glitteryfrog , grumpyharrys , grungylourry , gryffinlarry , halszy , happylarry2k15 , haroldtwerkin , harryadmireslouis , harryhuffle , harrykissedlouis , harryndlou , harrysted , hazstyzles , hedgefroge , hercularry , herculou , herolarry , hershelthefrog , hiswindingwheel , homopage , hughaz

i - l
ifidoitsyou , illbemasculineipromise , illouisional , inkedupspouses , investigate-wellington , itsnouis , jellybeanielouis , jmeshoran , kinkylarrie , kittenhaz , ladsandstuff , laidbacklarry , larriams , larrie2k15 , larriesrepresent , larrygirls , larryquitefinished , larryshiparoo , laughing-larry , lavxnderzayn , leedshusbands , likebelou , louddiction , louis2k15 , louisdomeafavour , louisfringe , louisinfactgay , louisngl , louispdf , louistlips , louiswillian , lourrydrunk , louseh , louvestruck , louviosa , lustlou

m - q
malarryous , miniature-lou , mommyeleanor , moonstrucklwt , nawharry , nocontrolonlarry , nostalgiclouis , nostalougic , nottooldforthisship , nsfwtommo , nyclarry , officialharrie , ofmarcel , onlyforharrys , oopsndhi , otpnexttolou , painfullytommo , painkinklarry , peachesharry , permadrunklouis , phanftlarry , pianomanlouis , pinkskirtlou , poweredbylouis , prettylarents , proudliam

r - t
raiiko , resideswithstyles , richlouissquad , rosetomydagger , sailorau , saintlaurenttomlinson , scruffypuppylou , shadesocool , shinytomlinsun , since-he-was-eighteen , sluttydaddyharry , softfringed , softinylouis , softloueh , spanklarry , speakingofharold , starearl , stolenlouis , stylincutiepie , stylinson-howlter , suckharrys , sugarbabykink , sunshine-lou , tastylouis , tattooshire , tcalouis , teasedalou , teatommo , thekingstylinson , thestagandship , thighstattoo , tinyalmightylouis , tinybuttonlouis , tinyfrogbaby , tinyhedgehogandgiantfrog , tinyspouse, tmhlarryy , tomlinpanda , tomlinsmol , tomlinsoninlace , tomlinspouses , totanalylarry , twinkedlou , twinkflames

un-harry , uptownlarries , vansandcurls , vcdkalouis , vipharry , viplarry , viplouis , viplourry , virtuosiclouis vivala-stylinson , vloggerau , vodkashotstyles , wankingtwink , welingtonvideo , wellingtoncurse , westsidelarents , wheelbarrowlarry , whiskylouis , whyislouisotiny , whynothazza , wickedtofu , worshippedlou

xmatchingtattoos , yorkshireking , yvesaintslou , zanyeemajik , zeynftstyles

non - mutuals that i admire from afar

16meets18 , aboutchopsuey , bestfates , britishhusbands , cravelouis , daintybottom , dickcasterlouis , fatdickstyles , friscoflush , girlalmighty , hickeystyles , hilourry , hogwartzlou , intenselouis , ittyloubitty , jerkstyles ,  jetpackers , knightchanges , larryperfection , larrysinlove , louisadmirer , mytinylou , nsfwboyfriends , nsfwtomlinson , odetolouis , onhistippytoes , pianolouis , pocketlarry , proudoflou , quitefond , ravenclawhalsey , softylouis , statueoflarry , stylinsketchy , stylinspouse , tomlinbdsm , tomlinsxns , tomlinzn , triharrytops , wrecklouis , xfactorera , yealourry , yorkshirehaz , yourssincerelylarry , yslhoe

this took me a lot of pain, blood, sweat and tears and i am destined to not have been able to include everyone and i am so sorry to everyone that feels like they should have been included, i clearly just must’ve missed you. all the love from me. (✿◠‿◠)

Month two, you were harder. And you were sweeter. I read once about coffee that only grows at high altitude, on cool craggy terraces in South American mountains. It’s prized for its resilience, for the hard fight of growth that makes it richer and more delicious. And that was weeks five to nine in the little lives of Ulysses Verne and Juniper Jean.

My mom came to visit for two weeks and my sister for one, and they had divine timing. The cavalry arriving just as the babes stretched out into this world and decided to sleep less and loudly opine more. We took them on their first trip to Lake Arrowhead for the 4th of July and learned too late that tiny babes often have a rough time with altitude. Uly struggled and fussed all night, uncomfortable and I felt terrible. But we did it and (confession) I think I would do it again, because there was something so powerful about knowing that they could go and do this hard thing and leave the comfort of home and adapt to tiny strange cabins under pine canopies bursting with the beautiful energy and abundant love of their cousins and be mostly so fun and sweet and patient despite their discomfort. They can do hard things. Mama can too.

So in month two, we kept on trucking. We packed up to explore the city over and over, though it laughably takes an hour or two to get on the road and someone melts down en route and you start to think is it worth it? Maybe we should be hermits. Running back to the car in a wonderful freak downpour yesterday, pushing a soggy stroller and a crying wet Junie and a somehow sleeping Uly, Chris and I laughed and laughed and agreed, it is so worth it. Last week, my sweet kiddos lay on a blanket in this idyllic dappled shade on a large soft museum lawn that surely can’t be drought compliant and wriggled around and tested out their arms and legs and scanned the trees and sky and folk music buskers and day campers with such crazy-eyed delight that I thought my heart would bust apart. Already, it is pure joy to see this world over again with them.

Family left and it was hard to not have the extra hands and adult conversations and Uly especially mourns the cuddles, the constant touch and connection. You start learning to accept the guilt that with two, someone’s cries are always going to take a minute longer to answer. They will learn patience earlier in life than their mama has. So it is hard to be alone in many ways and in others, it is beautiful as distractions recede and I refocus on these little creatures. These new best friends of mine. My smart friend Elizabeth said this the other day: “It’s a truly two-sided relationship that, in the end, will be held as a memory only by one of the people in the relationship, which is tragic and beautiful all at once.” And I was so surprised by that observation because I missed it previously and she is right – motherhood is the strangest love affair. Intense and solitary and I’ve never known anything like it.

So yes, it is good to be alone with them. To learn each of them in a way that help, with all its incredible relief, doesn’t totally allow. To start to know what each turn of their head or noise means as they feed, and when they stop, what they need before they can continue. To watch Junie’s little hands wiggle and grasp bathwater and micro fleece and her dad’s sheltering shoulders and my fingers as she’s falling asleep. To watch her eat up the world and to be so eager to know how she will write about it someday, because I can see already she will. She takes in too much to not be sewing something beautiful with it. It is everything to see Uly’s first smile and to coax it again and again and again and laugh back in such a loud eruption of visceral humanity and gratitude and affirmation that it scares him a little. I wish I could shine this little face around all the dark nooks of the world; no one would not be better for watching this little man’s face curve apart with such happiness.

And just when my ability to revel in these babes is burned up by their impatient, inexplicable cries in the witching hour, Chris comes home like a reprieve. Like a hero. And I retreat to the kitchen and cook something slow or volunteer to wash dishes and I don’t replace any pacifiers that fall out over and over and over like some kind of torturous game. And I am filled back up while he is alone with them in their own wonderland and it is good again.

The days fly by, somehow. And some hours are hard and some hours are so damn sweet I keep thinking they are too good to be true. That some kind of baby or happiness police are going to knock on the door any minute and reclaim these two. That’s it, that’s all you get, they’ll say. No one deserves any more happiness than what you’ve already received. But each morning, they are still here. June bug with this perfect little sigh she makes in her sleep. This dear hmmm, hmmm, hmmm that makes you lose your mind with tenderness for her. And Ul man, always the first awake, our wild boy, who enters every day swinging and grunting but calms beside you when you pull him from the bassinet and hold him to you in the still dark room before we crack the curtains and step off into the day. Just you and your quiet, big eyed boy.

This is month two. Too good to be true, yes. Laborious and demanding and running away so quickly. Each day its own small retreat and I am learning and learning, I promise. Love you, sweet babes.