And then I found out how hard it is to really change. Even hell can get comfy once you’ve settled in. I just wanted the lonely inside me to leave. No matter how fucked you get, there’s always hell when you come back down. The funny thing is all I ever wanted I already had. There’s glimpses of heaven in every day. In the friends I have, the music I make, the love that I feel.
I just had to start again.
(Sorry in advance this doesn’t have anything to do with my blog. 😅 But I wanted and needed to share this somewhere.) So I was laying in bed next to my boyfriend and today has just been one of those days where I have no confidence in myself and didn’t feel attractive. I am recovering from 2 years of depression and self harm and have been clean for 8 months now. 6 of those months was from the help of love and support of my boyfriend. Anyways back to my original statement, I was looking through my snapchat at pretty girls. I was thinking how flawless they are. ( yes I judge myself off of other girls) So I closed out of the app and re opened it a few hours later. Him being the cutie he is says “are we taking picture?!” ( he loves taking cute pictures with me) my responses was “no I look ugly right now” I knew his usual response was coming “ you look pretty all the time” as we both said it me mocking him. He said “ just close your eyes and smile.” That’s how this picture came about. In that moment I realized a lot of things, he has put up with a lot from me. My roller coaster of emotions, when I feel numb, or just wanna cry, when I just wanna be held, when I want my way, when I’m a wreak just feeling everything and nothing. He has seen me at my very worst and hasn’t judged me or loved me any less, I have put him through living hell the 4 months I’ve been dating him. He could have walked away before things got serious like most do when they find out about my rocky past, but he didn’t. He doesn’t get mad and yell at me or hit me when I get on his nerves as I have had in a previous relationship. He has been patient with me about my insecurities, and helps me get over them. In that moment tonight I realized that all the walls I have up I can finally let down, I have realized that the sky’s always prettiest after the hurricane. But the biggest thing I learned tonight is that I am in love for the real first time in the 18 years I’ve walked this beautiful, crazy, amazing earth. We’ve had great days but it’s the bad ones that make me realize that I love him more and more, love has always scared me but this time it doesn’t. Because I know he means it when he says it. I just don’t know how to say it lol. I don’t know what I would do if I lost him. I’m sorry if you see this and unfollow I just had to get this out and put it somewhere.
*Update 2•7•17 now I have been with him a year and almost 4 months (Wednesday will be our anniversary) if I thought I had gone through a lot with him then, I was sadly mistaken. We have been through so much more crazy stuff. But I can say over that we have had so many victories. We just got our first house together have 3 fur babies together and I must say they are the cutest , we have traveled to meet my family. I’ve lost some people and gained some people who I’ve lost again. But through all the crazy, fighting, sadness, and struggles he’s been there for me. I’m so glad to have found my life partner so early in life. I wouldn’t and couldn’t imagine anyone more perfect for me. My feelings are still as strong if not one hundred times stronger as they were when I first wrote this, and had just told him I loved him. I’m not one to say that often but I knew I would be saying it to him for a long time. I’m still clean and haven’t even thought about self harm since I last wrote this. I never knew super heroes existed until I met my boyfriend. Because when I’m with him nothing can stop me or harm me. He’s my hero, I’m so proud of him day in and day out just for the little things he does and how he keeps his self together knowing everything he goes through each day. I wish there was a bigger word for how I feel stronger more powerful then “I love you” because if there was I would tell him it everyday. There is no one who I’ve ever cared about this much. I will always believe in things happening at the weirdest times. Still reading the original post makes me tear up. But anyways to wrap this up, if you truly wait and know what you want the out come will be amazing. Every time I see a shooting star or its 11:11 I wish for the same thing. That is to be with him forever. ☺