1. Hi, I'm sorry to be nosy and of course don't answer this if you don't want to, but what has your journey through your sexuality been like? Because way back on lj you said you had a husband, and now you and wizzard890 legit are in love (congrats!) and living together and it's not just you jokingly referring to your best friend as your girlfriend. And I just saw in your tags in that you've experienced some of what's happened in couples where one partner was asexual and the other was allosexual.
2. So, not that it’s any of my business, but do you regard yourself as biromantic and asexual? I’m just really interested in how people deal with their sexual and romantic identities and relationships because I don’t think these things get talked about enough and taught well to people who need it.
Hi! You’re not being nosy. Yes, I am biromantic and asexual! My journey through my sexuality has been, um, not very satisfying, I guess. When I was a teenager, I fell in love with a guy, racked a bunch of ‘firsts,’ and figured, you know, I guess I’m straight. I mean, I wasn’t that into the physical stuff, but I was 15 and having So Many Emotions, so I dived into it. When it was only meh, I figured that was just because…you know, I was 15, and neither of us knew what we were doing.
Then I fell in love with one of my female friends. She was straight, though, so I just had to sit on it. But I wasn’t sure what to make of it, because–I didn’t want to touch her naked-style? So I was like…am I just really really really in friend-love with you? I keep looking at your boobs, but that’s normal, right? I mean, who doesn’t occasionally sneak a glimpse down their same-sex friends’ shirts. Or make up excuses to run their fingers through their hair. Or feel their heart pound when they snuggle up at a sleepover.
This all sounds mega gay now, but the thing is–I didn’t want to do anything about it. I liked having all of those feelings, but to me there was just no connection between that and wanting to have sex. And I didn’t know that some people could have different romantic and sexual attractions! So I was just like. ????? Am I straight???? Am I bi???? Am I gay and repressed?????? why is the sex I’m having not any fun?
I kept sleeping with guys because it was just…you know…easy. Like, dick is everywhere. It is easier to let dick into your life than keep it out, and I liked these guys. Sometimes I had serious feelings for them. Sometimes I just wanted to see if sex would feel right this time. People said that maybe I was tense, and that’s why I wasn’t getting into it, so I slept with good friends who I trusted, I got giggly-drunk, I went to weird costume sex parties where everyone looks so ridiculous you can’t feel uptight…none of that worked. This is something I don’t hear ace people talk about publically that much, but anecdotally I think it must happen a lot: a lot of aces really slut it up for a while! Because what am I doing wrong? Do I just have a weird fetish I don’t know about?? Am I only into threesomes??? Maybe casual sex will work?? no??? okay what about something kinky?? no????
It was like my vagina was a damn Rubik’s cube. What arcane, bullshit combination of factors would make me actually want to sleep with someone?
By that point I was in my early twenties, and I fell in love and got married. I’m not gonna really go into that because I think he still checks my blog sometimes, but sexually it was a really bad match. I finally realized that I just didn’t like sex. He felt hurt and rejected, understandably. I wanted to talk to him, to figure out some way he could get what he needed in a way that wouldn’t leave me feeling miserable, but he closed off and didn’t want to talk about it. I felt guilty and ashamed for being “broken.” We had sex anyway, for a few years, and I hated it, and resented him for initiating it. He decided the problem was that I didn’t find him attractive anymore, and withdrew even more. He wasn’t comfortable talking about sex, and I wasn’t comfortable having sex.
So yeah, eventually that was that. The sex stuff wasn’t the only thing that killed the relationship, but it was a big part of it.
But with my girlfriend now, things could not be more different. She knew I was ace before we got together, and she told me she was fine with that. She’s a lesbian, romantically and sexually, but she has a pretty low sex drive. And we have a good sexual connection! I mean–we have really solid, open communication about sex, and we’ve found ways of connecting sexually in ways that don’t involve having sex. It takes some creativity, and compromise on both our parts, but she’s satisfied, and I feel safe and respected. And I know that if she ever wasn’t satisfied, she’d bring it up and we’d talk about it and figure something out.
tldr: the whole journey of discovery was a huge drag that involved having a lot of sex that I hated and feeling broken and undeserving of love for a long time. But I’ve ended up in a good place. Hopefully hearing me go on and on about all this will shorten the trip to “a good place” for somebody else.