ANON you read my mind, I was thinking about something like this during school today (very productive i know). It’s based on Under The Table by Banks if you wanna listen to it while reading (: (also not really a goodbye but kinda idk)
He watched the car in front of him depart, dying a little knowing she was in it. This was it. No more eight hour rehearsals, no more secret midnight drives. No more holding her hand as they glided up the stairs on show night, proud of what they’d just accomplished together. No more hiding their affection during post show interviews, which at the time was annoying, but now was something he’d kill to get back. At least they were together. At least he could feel her warmth next to him when he got cold or reach over and touch her if he was nervous. At least she was around, spreading her infectious laugh and smile like a disease, making him wish he never knew life before her.
Now, he just missed her. He missed her with every inch of his soul and every beat of his heart and it had only been 5 minutes. It took every ounce of self control he could muster to not hop out and chase her car through New York City, stopping her from getting on the plane; from leaving him.
Derek could not imagine life without Bethany by his side every moment of the day, which sounded crazy even in his head, since they’d only known each other a few months. But he knew- he knew that he loved her, and he knew that all he wanted, hell, all he needed, was her and the glimmer in her eyes guiding him through all the obstacles in their way.
Except he couldn’t have that. He knew that she deserved more than what he could give her. She deserved someone to wake up next to on Sundays and someone to fly around with her on her amazing journeys through the beginning of her adult life, and he knew that he couldn’t give her that. He could only offer his best, which was to love her even if they were at opposite ends of the world most of time; and that wasn’t enough.
Letting go of Bethany’s hand for the last time replayed in Derek’s mind, taking over every sense in his body. He could feel the texture of her fingertips, smell her perfume, hear her sniffle as she fought back tears, thinking about the consequences of their love.
“We can’t…you know that right?” Bethany’s lip quivered.
Derek looked down, focusing on her sparkly nail polish. “I know. I just wish we could. So much.” The intimate moment was guarded only by a barricade of umbrellas blocking the view from the glass doors.
“I lo-” He began as she was being pushed toward the exit.
“Don’t make it harder.” She flashed a smile unexpectedly, clutching his hand before heading out into the bitter cold of New York, painting a happy look onto her face.
If they loved each other, it would be the hardest thing they’d ever do. They’d never be completely accepted, always judged by people who knew too little, or thought they knew more than they did. Their affair would interfere with both of their careers, making their already stressful lives much more stressful.
They knew from the beginning that this couldn’t happen. Bethany and Derek, 10 years apart, from different corners of the universe could not be in love and make it work. It just wasn’t logical. But that didn’t stop them from pretending, when they were alone right before rehearsal, that there weren’t cameras waiting for them inside and that they were just a normal couple, enjoying a normal kiss, in a normal setting.
But even all of the consequences, obstacles, judgement, and arguments that were bound to come their way wasn’t enough to keep him from picking up the phone.
Derek’s heart pounded as he listened to it ring, praying to anything listening that she would pick up. When she didn’t, and he heard her sweet voice saying “I’m not at the phone right now! Leave me a message and I’ll ring ya later!” it encouraged him to talk anyways.
“Beth. Bethany, babe, I know what you’re thinking. I’m weird and creepy and obsessed and you’re glad you got away.” He chuckled to himself before becoming serious again.
“But please, just listen to this whole message.” He sighed dreadfully.
“I know that you want to live your 20’s free and wild, and be stupid and young, and grow your career. I want you to know that I can be whatever you need me to be. I can be 21 again, and sneak you drinks, or I can be my plain old almost 30 year old self and wait for you outside the door of your business meetings.” He took another breath, worried he’d pass out if he kept talking.
“But I want us. I want you, and everything that comes with it. I will protect you from anything you don’t want to see, or hear, or be around. I will lock our fingers together proudly when we walk down the sidewalk, fearless because you’re next to me.”
The voicemail was getting lengthy and he was afraid he’d get cut off soon. “I guess what I’m trying to say is: I’m tired of waiting for permission to love you, because I already do without it. So much. I love you, Bethany Mota.” Derek subconsciously grinned while saying her name, a habit he’d never break.
“So come home with me. Tell your driver to turn around and let your family know you’ll be late, and come home with me. Meet my family and eat dinner with us. I just want to bring you ho-” The phone beeped, signifying that his message was over and sent. He didn’t finish, but he hoped it was enough to make her change her mind.
thank you for staying strong with me. thank you for inspiring me to be myself and do what i love. thank you for showing me that anything is possible. thank you for all the laughters. thank you for all the amazing and joyful memories you gave me. thank you for being a friend. thank you for making me feel better. thank you for everything.
i hope this day is beyond amazing and that you have all your loved ones around you. i love you. happy 19th birthday queen.