i love you and hate you so much do you understand

Some non-Love Square ML aus

Because as much as I adore the love square, there are lots of other miraculous ships that deserve more au goodness <3

Juleka/Rose: 

  • Greaser and Pink Lady au
  • friends with benefits except the benefits are weekly cuddling sessions au
  • college roommates au 
    • requires LOTS of mutual pining

Kim/Alix:

  • handcuffed together after a prank gone wrong au
  • “I’m going to hunt down and slaughter whoever keeps leaving their sweaty towel draped across my favorite treadmi- oh no they’re hot” au
  • forced to take ballet lessons to increase their athletic prowess au

Kim/Max: 

  • “I dont understand half of the words you said but I think you just asked me out???” au
  • kissing practice/ making out for the sake of science au
  • “I just watched you ingest a borderline lethal amount of caffeine so im going to babysit you to make sure you dont die” au

Bonus ot3 (Kim/Alix/Max):

  • paired up to do a semester-long project together au 
  • evil mastermind and his two (bickering) superhero nemesises au
  • “oh would you look at that, the bottle landed in between you two. guess I’ll just have to spend seven minutes in heaven with you both” au

Ivan/Mylene:

  • we both sit at the same desk in chemistry class and leave each other anonymous notes tucked inside au
  • musician and muse (not-so) au
  • tattooist and flower shop owner au

Chloe/Sabrina:

  • Princess and the Frog au 
    • bonus points if Chloe is the frog
  • met while on vacation au
  • SUGAR DATING AU 

Chloe/Marinette (most could work for Chloe/Alya too):

  • personal shopper (Marinette) or publicist (Alya) and the client from hell au
  • “every year we get sent to the same summer camp and we’re always camp rivals except wow puberty really hit you hard since last year wtf??!?!?” au
  • Wicked au

Nino/Alya:

  • rival radio hosts whom everyone in Paris ships au
  • Ladynino and Alya Noir au
  • “the optometrist accidentally switched our prescriptions so now I have to hunt you down while basically blind” au

Alya/Marinette: 

  • underpaid fabric store clerk only keeps her job because of the cute seamstress who comes in every day and overworked seamstress only visits the fabric store every day to see the gorgeous store clerk au
  • fan fic writer and fan artist who everyone in the fandom ships au
  • “hey so I hear our college grants more financial aid to married people… wanna elope?” au

Nino/Adrien:

  • RAPUNZEL AU
  • deaf!Adrien and musician!Nino au 
    • basically blind spots au but gayer
  • (NSFW) “Accidentally sent a dick pic to the wrong number but got an even better one back” au

Alya/Adrien:

  • rich kids playing pranks at society functions au (Alya’s mom is a world-renowned chef dont tell me this isn’t plausible)
  • “we’ve been yelling at each via reddit thread for weeks now and at this point I’ve kinnda forgotten what we were even fighting about wanna go grab coffee?” au
  • pen pals from childhood au

Nino/Marinette:

  • “Our families own rival businesses and technically we cant be friends but we still secretly trade macaroons for couscous on the DL” au 
  • street musician and street artist au
  • “I seriously didn’t mean to wander in to the women’s locker room but I heard you singing in the shower and I NEED to record music with you” au

Bonus OT4 (Alya/Adrien/Marinette/Nino):

  • “we’re in a famous band and our fans fight relentlessly over who to ship but jokes on them because we are all dating” au
  • stranded au
    • you could make this “overnight at the mall” or full-blown “shipwrecked on an island” I just wanna see these four snuggle STRUGGLE TOGETHER
  • “this dnd campaign started seriously but now it’s just devolved into us all flirting with one another behind the thin guises of our characters” au

you know what? autistic people are amazing!!

like… we’re so observant and good at noticing patterns and we catch stuff other people miss and we see the world in such a different way that it gives us a great perspective on things that neurotypicals dont have

and we care so much about stuff and we get really passionate about it and its really cute and we have things in the world that are Good and so much can be conveyed in that word and we survive and adapt so well in a world not designed for us and i think that’s awesome?

and we stim when we’re happy bc its how we interact with the world that despite everything we can still see so much wonder in

like we’re really cool

and its important to remember that when the majority of the world at best doesnt understand and at worst outright hates us

especially when most autism positivity posts are “its okay if u cant do things neurotypicals can do” and “autistic people can be intelligent!” because yes those posts are important but also autistic people can be better than neurotypicals bc we’re a diverse and intelligent and beautiful group of people and i refuse to be held to a neurotypical standard of brilliance when we’re doing pretty great by ourselves

*Edit - its perfectly okay for neurotypicals/allistics to reblog this!

  • as much as i love shiro, matt teasing him is one of my favourite things because it results in something like this….

shiro: hey matt, we’re together for this assignm-

matt: *frantically shushes him* takashi!! keep your voice down, there are children here oh my god

shiro: *whispering* “what?? but i was just saying-

matt: *at full volume* TAKASHI. CHILL. CALM DOWN. THERE’S NO NEED TO BE SO LOUD.

everyone else in their class: “shiro what the hell this is a learning establishment, we cannot have you making noise and distracting us from our work!!?!”

shiro: i hate you all

everyone: “SHHHHH”

  • or something like THIS….

shiro: matt, when do you wanna work on the-

matt: what?

shiro: i said, when do you want to-

matt: *cups hand over ear* what??

shiro: WHEN DO YOU WANT TO-

matt: WHAT?!? i can’t understand what you’re saying, speak up

shiro: *frustrated* WHEN DO YOU WANT TO WORK ON THE BROKEN WING?

matt: …..

everyone: …..

matt: geez, i heard you, there’s no need to shout

shiro: LOOK HERE you piece of shit-

THE SIGNS CRUSHING ON SOMEONE
  • Aries: Nope nope nope nope nope.
  • Taurus: Oh my god how do I handle this.
  • Gemini: Probably their friend and now they're worried about making it awkward.
  • Cancer: I COULD talk to them... nah I'll just stare at them from afar and sigh.
  • Leo: I'M TELLING THEM!! I'M GOING FOR IT!! jk jk jk.
  • Virgo: Will hyperventilate when their crush asks them for a pencil or something.
  • Libra: Drops really obvious hints until they understand.
  • Scorpio: Hey, we should bang.
  • Sagittarius: I hate you so much. no wait. yeah I hate you stop being so... ugh.
  • Capricorn: Am I in love or are you just my super-ultra best friend??
  • Aquarius: They might not even like me... but... what. if. they. DO????
  • Pisces: Avoids them at all costs.
Tough Love for The Signs

Aries: I know you’ve got passion and fire but seriously you gotta chill sometimes and learn not to dish out shit if you can’t take it yourself.

Taurus: Your determination is admirable but jesus christ stop expecting mountains to move with that stubborn ass attitude

Gemini: You all don’t get hate out of nowhere. I understand that you’re versatile and that’s very admirable but you need to learn where your actions become disrespectful or insensitive.

Cancer: I get it, your jealousy is hard to deal with but oh my god, stop with the moodiness, there’s so much you can do to fix things but you just don’t bother and choose to complain instead.

Leo: I love how much you guys shine but seriously? There’s absolutely no need for you to shove your fortune in other people’s face.

Virgo: I know you have a need for perfection but you need to stop imposing your ideals on other people, it’s not fair.

Libra: Don’t share so much of yourself with people and then blame them for breaking your heart because they’re not interested.

Scorpio: I know you feel shit really deep and I get that but holding grudges against people and acting like you’re entitled to more wallowing than others

Sagittarius: Yes, you guys are wise, but that doesn’t give you the right to tell people how they should be living their lives, that’s not for you to decide.

Capricorn: I know you are ambitious, but you need to work for that shit, it won’t come to you on a silver platter, so suck it up and get down to it

Aquarius: I’ve never met an Aquarius without a special snowflake complex OR a god complex and it needs to be cut because I’m telling you, no one is here for that

Pisces: Stop with the martyrdom, stop with the self-victimization, EVERYINE is a victim of circumstance and you need to stop wallowing and suck it up sometimes

*three voicemails*
*beep*
“you suck, you know that?” she sounds drunk. “i never needed you as much as when you left that day in December and you knew that! you knew i would need you more than ever those next few days and you still acted like a child and stormed out. and i want to hate you; boy do i want to hate you…” there was a long pause. “there’s this guy here right now and he’s looking at me like maybe i am the best thing for him, but how can i tell him that my heart is gone, that it belongs to you? his friend says he wants to buy me a drink but i don’t think he understands that no matter how many shots i take, i’m still going to end up empty inside, forgetting my name but still remembering yours. god i love you so much, why can’t you see that? *end of message 1*
*beep*
“hey so i’m not sure what i said last night, but i know it was something dumb so please just delete it. i just want to say i’m sorry. we both knew that one day, it would come to an end,” she sighs. “but i think we wanted to hold on to it for as long as we could, you know? i guess we just didn’t think about the repercussions, or maybe we did and decided the pain was worth it. and it was, to me, it was. we were just both so stubborn, so hard-headed, not willing to let go of our pride. i just need you to know i don’t regret it; i don’t regret loving you. it’s just…” she paused. “we were sparks that lit a match and the fire was beautiful, but we didn’t nurture it, we didn’t feed it with good intentions; we simply let it burn then fade out. i wish we hadn’t. i’ll always love you, please remember that.” *end of message 2*
*beep*
“hi. it seems like it’s been forever since i called you, since i saw your face. i hope this is still your number. i’m sorry i went away, i just couldn’t stay there any longer. i couldn’t stay in that home where every wall reminded me of you and i, of us. i couldn’t stay in that city where every street and every corner reminded me of you. i had to get out of there; i had to get out before i went insane. it’s beautiful here; it rains in spring, snows in the winter, leaves fall in autumn and it’s crazy hot in the summer. i’ve wanted to call you so many times, like when it snowed the first winter i was here or when the ball dropped on new years. i wanted to call you on your birthday, i know i should have, but what would i say after all this time? and on his anniversary, i just wanted to hear a familiar voice. i had your number dialed, i just didn’t have the courage to get sent to voicemail. i hope you get this, i promise i won’t call anymore. i just need you to know i’m doing okay. i still miss you, like crazy on some days, but i have a good job here and i made some friends. i got this really nice apartment with a gym nearby. there’s been no one and i’m not saying that for sympathy or for it to lead to anything, but i’m content with the memories of us. i hope you’re happy, that’s still my 11:11 wish. i’ll always love you, no matter how far apart we are, physically and otherwise. i love you to the moon and back times infinite.” *end of final message*

I’m so tired of people getting upset over Vax and Keyleth’s albeit rushed decisions. But as a nearly trade marked reminder, THIS IS A GAME! THESE ARE CHARACTERS IN A STORY! VAX HAS BEEN JUMPING INTO DANGER FROM DAY FUCKING ONE NO MATTER THE ODDS. KEYLETH LOVES HER CULTURE AND PEOPLE SO MUCH YOU BET YOUR ASS SHE DESERVES A CHANCE TO KILL RAISHAN! VEX LOVES HER BROTHER AND WOULD FOLLOW HIM TO THE END OF THE EARTH! Props to Laura, Liam, and Marisha for staying true to their characters instead of being strategic. And fuck everyone who is getting mad at them because of it. They didn’t know the stakes, nor the power she possessed. This has nothing to do with Vaxleth at all, and people that use that as an excuse don’t seem to understand that this is role playing and are trying to find a reason to hate a ship even more than they already do. So why don’t you all take your ridiculously absurd comments and shove them up your ass. Thank you and goodnight.

little shownu things

• always let’s you have the last slice of pizza/cookie/food you share
• (that’s how you know he loves you)
• smiles and dips his head when you catch him staring at you
• fascinated by you
• so always gets caught
• tucks his shirt into his trousers (doesn’t understand why you hate it??)
but I like this look?
you look like a 42 year old father of three
is that a bad thing?
• forever confused
• randomly breaks into song and/or dance
• freezes when he realises what he’s doing
• carries on bc you find it adorable
• he really is adorable
• lowkey loves you calling him adorable
• Dad Jokes™
shownu please… enough
• blushes when you hold his hand/brush against him/do anything that involves touching him in any way!!
• so you naturally touch him as much as possible
• either tries to get away from you
• or the vein in his temple starts pulsing…
• which means trouble (good or bad)
• kisses are his weakness
• starts off slowly but suddenly he’s trailing kisses down your neck and has to physically rip himself away from you
• asks if it’s ok to carry on
yes it’s more than oka-
• carries on 
• loves watching you sleep
• probably bc it’s the only time he can look at you for so long without looking away
• always the big spoon
• afraid of crushing you in your sleep
I’m pretty sure that won’t happen
but what if it does??
• shy giant
• really into wildlife documentaries for some reason??
• loves being complimented (never admits it)
• subconsciously reaches for you whenever you’re near
• places his hand on your thigh under tables
• always gently squeezes your waist when holding you
• doesn’t understand the concept of lazy sundays
what should we do?
why don’t we work out together? it’ll be fun!

is that a yes?
• loves tickling you!!
• (secretly loves it bc he gets to touch you without getting shy)
• cooks for you whenever you come home late
• even if it’s always ramen
• loves hearing about your day
• tells you about his
• even if it takes a while for him to start
•  loves you so so much
•  just the thought of you makes him smile

BTS' Complaints
  • Jin: "I just feel like no one truly appreciates my natural beauty. Like look at me. Do you understand how much work I don't do to look like this? Ultimate face goals, right?" *is talking to a statue* "You get me bruh. I appreciate that." *kisses statue*
  • Suga: *is crying his eyes out* "I JUST WANTED TO BE FRIENDS WITH KUMAMON BUT THAT FUCKING BROWN PIANO WOULDN'T LEAVE ME TF ALONE!!!"
  • J-Hope: "I love being ARMY's hope. I do. BUT WHO'S MY HOPE?! I HAVE NO HOPE." *single tear slides down cheek*
  • Rap Monster: "I'm the LEADER of this group. THE LEADER. So why don't any of those shits ever listen to me? I deserve more than this considering my status" *hair flip*
  • Jimin: "HOW DARE HE SAY THAT?! WHAT RIGHT DID HE HAVE TO SAY THAT?! NONE." *shakes fist at sky* "I'LL SHOW YOU, KIM NAMJOON. I DO HAVE JAMS!!"
  • V: "But why was I called 'V'? Does it really mean victory? There are so many other things it could be instead. Vacuum, vegemite, va-" *gasps* "baNG PD-NIM, YOU SATAN."
  • Jungkook: "Dear Noonas. STOP CALLING ME OPPA. I'M NOT YOUR OPPA. I NEVER WAS YOUR OPPA. I NEVER WILL BE YOUR OPPA. I'M SORRY. Lots of love, Jungkook-ah. (<-- did you see the 'ah'? That's what you use... bye)"
A kind of Disclaimer...or the opposite..

If you think, because I love and support Severus Snape, I quite logically have to  like or excuse everything bad he did, you are wrong. I dont have to. But I love him together with his faults, flaws and also the good side. 

But you dont know me and my own values….maybe I consider some of his bad sides not as that bad like you do…..

Maybe he is also hated so much by some because they know deep inside, they feel like him, but unlike him dont dare to show it outside…..they feel their own dark side but try to deny it is there. Its quite relieving to find the evil Scapegoat Snape for that instead. I am aware of my dark sides, and I am aware it can very easily happen to slip down to the dark sides if just the circumstances are bad enough. I dont excuse him, I feel with him and can understand his reasons.

anonymous asked:

I'm... gay. I hate it so much. Like I would put myself into conversion therapy if it would make me straight. But my country banned it two years ago. I don't know what to do. I want to accept myself, more than anything, but I can't. What can I do? I feel awful.

You are dealing with so much right now, I can understand why you would feel awful. Let me tell you something, conversion therapy, even if it was legal where you were, would not make you straight, in fact, it would probably make you feel even worse about this entire situation. 

Overcoming internalized homophobia is incredibly difficult, you are not alone when you say you wish you weren’t gay. There are a lot of us who have wished to be straight at some point just to make living easier. I’ve been one of those people. Accepting yourself can be a long and difficult road, you have to make the decision to love and accept yourself for who you are. I would start with looking at yourself in the mirror everyday and saying something like, “I’m gay and that’s okay. I love and accept myself.” You don’t have to believe it right away, but it’s something you should practice like a self-mantra every day, and sooner or later you may find yourself believing what you say. It’s a hard decision to make, but ultimately you have to be the one that decides you don’t want to hate yourself anymore for being gay, you have to decide that from this day forward you are going to learn to be kind to yourself and love yourself for who you are. I wish you all the best hun. Be kind to yourself and take care, okay? 

-Mom Em

The Enemy of My Enemy is Probably Playing Pool With Him

So there’s this thing. Say you really love or identify with Character A. Character B does something to A that you think is awful. You hate the Awful Thing, and you hate B for doing it. Because you identify so much with A, it’s very easy to assume that A must feel exactly the way you do about the Awful Thing. Furthermore, A must feel exactly the way you do about Character B.

The classic example of this in Buffy fandom is the Buffy Tells Everyone They Suck fanfic. You know the one: Buffy finally snaps and tells Willow, Xander, and Giles what shitty friends they’ve been and how much she hates them for bringing her back from heaven/betraying her with Robin Wood/trying to control her love life, and storms off to be with The Only Person Who Really Understands Her (which may be Angel, Spike, Faith, or whoever floats the author’s boat.) I’ve also seen the Xander Tells Everyone They Suck And Gets Superpowers story, the Willow Tells Everyone They Suck And Gets A Goth Makeover Story, and the Giles Does Not Tell Anyone They Suck Because That Would Be Undignified But Cuts The Scoobies Cold And Runs Away To England story. Not to mention the The Character I Like Best Who Should Be The Most Important Person In Buffy’s Life Tells Spike And/Or Angel That They Suck And Optionally Stakes Them And Dances In Their Ashes story.

It can be cathartic to read or write fic like this, of course. It’s a slightly different thing when it happens outside of fic. A few years ago, someone was reviewing the BtVS season 10 comics. The reviewer was absolutely convinced that Dawn was going to stand up on her hind legs (just like Rory Calhoun!) and tell Spike he sucked, because Dawn would never, ever, EVER forgive Spike for attacking Buffy back in S6, any more than the reviewer themselves would. Buffy might be a lost cause because the writers were pandering to Spike fans, but Dawn, the reviewer was convinced, was going to tell Buffy what the reviewer felt Buffy needed to hear. This didn’t happen. In fact, the opposite happened – Dawn urged Buffy to give Spike a chance. With every passing issue, the reviewer grew more and more frustrated and angry. Finally, they quit BtVS fandom in disgust, proclaiming that the writers had destroyed Dawn’s character by failing to have her hate Spike forever and ever.

People do much the same thing with Xander, Willow, Angel, Buffy, Cordelia, Giles, even minor characters like Harmony. I’ve caught myself doing it a few times with a character or two. How can the other characters possibly like or trust That Character when That Character is so obviously Terrible? Nevertheless, nine times out of ten, the characters do. I may think that A should never give B the time of day again, but the interactions between A and B in canon pretty plainly show that either A has forgiven B, or A did not think that the Awful Thing B did to them was all that big a deal in the first place. So while I can certainly nurse my grudge against B, and write fic where A tells B off, I’m lying to myself if I don’t admit that it usually is my grudge, not A’s. And if I expect my grudge to be reflected in canon, I’m usually setting myself up for disappointment. I may WANT A to resent B in canon, but my wanting something doesn’t make it true.

And it doesn’t make all the people who think that it would be cool if A and B were friends, or lovers, or enemies who team up to fight crime, delusional B stans. The thing is, BtVS is an ongoing series. The regular characters are going to keep working together, because it would be unwieldy for the writers to constantly send them all off on their own. Therefore, stuff that would severely strain if not destroy a normal relationship is going to be forgiven, forgotten and patched over, as long as the regular characters remain regular characters. Inside the story, we can come up with all kinds of explanations for why this is so, and outside the story we can make value judgements as to whether the writers did it well or poorly. But the salient point is that it is so.

Every single character in the series has been both the victim and the perpetrator of assorted Awful Things. Yes, even that one. And with very, very few exceptions, in the long run, they’ve all gotten over them. So I try to get over them too. It’s not that I don’t think that the things are Awful. They are. But I’ve found that when I’m unable to move past the Awful Things along with the characters, it sours my enjoyment of the show or the comics. It may take awhile to move on sometimes (as anyone who read my frothing screeds about Twangel knows), but it’s useful to be able to step back and remember that it’s all fiction, and no actual Slayers were harmed in the making of this episode.

what I love abt people that watch dan & phil is like. to anyone else we’d appear to hate them. like we say “goddammit dan” or “how disgusting can you believe these two??” or my personal fave: “I hate both of them so much” and other people are just like ????? if you hate them so much why do you reblog these two men??? but d&p watchers will know

Okay but why do people seem to hate Izetta: The Last Witch so much?

Sure, I can understand that maybe the bits of nudity get to you. I can understand if you think the girls are only there for fanservice.
But please, just give the show a chance. The theme of it is so overwhelmingly that of love and care for each other. The relationship between Izetta and Finé is so well done, I can’t understand why you would think it’s an overdone cliché.
Because it’s not a show labeled “yuri,” it’s just a loving relationship between two girls. Like Yuri!!! On Ice, no relationship has been forced. Not at ALL. Sure, they haven’t kissed yet, but it’s been nine episodes, and their relationship is still developing. For a show that isn’t explicitly a yuri, I’m so happy that these girls are so obviously in love.
And the plot isn’t overdone, either. It’s, in my opinion, pretty original, as I’ve never seen it done before. And come on, who doesn’t want to see WWII with a magic lesbian and a beautiful kick-ass archdutchess?

I loved you. I loved you so much that even when I wanted to hate you, I couldn’t. Even when I was screaming at you, at the top of my lungs with my throat burning, I couldn’t help but think about how truly extraordinary you were. I’d stop in my tracks and admire you. The way you watched me, as if I were the most important person in the world. The way you listened, as if my words were the only thing that mattered. I saw it all. But now, I can’t seem to understand why you left. What did I do to make you realize I was not the most important person in the world? What did I say to make you believe my words no longer mattered? Why did you leave me? Please come home.
—  CA ( @fractured-writing )

do u ever hate ur ex-fp so much that you want them to suffer and feel pain for what they did to you and the thought of them being happy makes you seethe because you did so so much for them and you poured your heart out for them and they just dumped you on the streets for someone else and you can’t ever forgive them no matter how hard you try and u really don’t want to

Snowfall All Year (Pt. 1)

A/N: I missed Christmas by like 15 minutes, so let’s say I didn’t miss it. Okay, so I got a new laptop,, meaning I may just get to post more seeing as I’m writing more. I was thinking of doing a Latina!reader series of fics/drabbles seeing as I am Mexican-American. Idk let me know what y’all think?

Genre: Fluff/Angst

Word Count: 3,993

Originally posted by daeguboy

Summary: He loved you so much, he couldn’t say it, but he couldn’t just let you slip away, so he used you for company. Halfway to his psychology degree, he lost you, but a white lie brings you back to your childhood friend, first love, and first heart break.

You could never understand what was so beautiful about the snow, it was honestly glorified rain. You had never cared for the snow, nor did you hate it, it was just there. No matter how fleeting though, you wished he loved you like he did the snow.

—-

You stretched to find Namjoon sat upright, sheets fallen to his waist, looking out the window. Dawn’s light was shining on him, and you were mesmerized. He looked like a Hellenistic art piece while you were a mere onlooker, the best you could get was beneath him.

“Namjoon?” You spoke sleepily as his face remained unfazed, transfixed by the white Christmas before him.

“It’s snowing,” He simply stated, voice wiped of any grogginess, “Beautiful, isn’t it?” He mused, not particularly caring of your opinion. He never did.

—-

You glanced from the window to the time, 6:54 am, about time to go begin a 24-hour study session for your exams. Thankfully, the campus library was open 24 hours just about everyday, and you had picked the first snow day, meaning not many people would be there.

Reluctantly, you slipped from your year old sheets and slipped on a large white turtleneck over your jeans, casually adding white tennis shoes and a white beanie to the mix.

Your phone vibrated as you reached for your denim jacket mindlessly to help face the cold, “Hello?” You spoke, not looking at the contact name.

“Hey cutie, where are you headed on a Saturday?” Your friend, Sooyoung rang through the earpiece as you located your headphones, plugging them in.

“Libr-”

“It’s closed, hang out with me,” She whined as you opened the door of your apartment, greeted by a harsh slap of the cold hitting your face.

Your face scrunched up at the sensation and the news. Why was it closed in the first place? You knew the first snow was special to people, but you didn’t expect it to be this special.

“Then I’ll go to Western Cafe,” You sighed, “Why is it closed? And how do you even know?”

“Beats me, I wanted to see if I could find someone to give me their notes for philosophy, but it was closed,” She mused, “I should probably just call Namjoon.”

“Yeah, he’s a really sweet guy,” You spoke sarcastically, “Last Christmas with him was by far the best.”

“You should’ve just flown home, I swear,” Her voice dripped with hints of guilt, “Christmas is tomorrow, are you going home this time?”

You scoffed, “To what? An empty house? My family has a habit of vacationing without notice, too risky.”

“Then let’s get you a nice fuck buddy to last you till then tonight,” She chirped.

You rolled your eyes, “No, I hate parties, and I told you yesterday I have to study,” You stated, crossing the street a few blocks over to the small coffee shop, “Even if you know how great I am at detachment with the no strings attached deal,” Sarcasm slithered its way into your voice once more.

“I know this time of year must kinda suck, but you can’t close yourself off,” She whined, “Namjoon did some pretty shitty stuff for a shitty amount of time, but don’t let that interfere with your life.”

—-

“Do you even love anything?” You snapped wrapped up in sheets, but still unravelling each time his fingertips ghosted on your bare shoulder.

A sense of hope ebbed and flowed through you in vain, just like it did each time you asked this question, each time you got into these fights.

Namjoon was a psychology major and had noted that yelling is unproductive, and you bad noted how in love with him you were, so your fights were usually calm with a violent atmosphere.

His eyes only faced the window at your question, “I love the snow,” He simply stated, “I love myself enough to tell you that I don’t love you, not yet, probably not ever you know that, right?”

The room fell into a heavy silence, but he remained unfazed as your eyes cast down. You had been shot down before by him, but not like this, not this vulnerable. Your throat dried up as you desperately wished you could suck the words back into your mouth, but his response landed on your shoulders delicately but with an outstanding mass, just like snow. Over time, he would respond like this, and you would be fine, but each time it began to weigh on you more, until eventually, the foundation you built to love him snapped under his lack of connectivity.

You had no one to blame but yourself for the two years wasted trying to light a spark with an emotional dud.

“You know, I think I finally do,” You let out a humorless laugh as you slid into your clothes.

This sound made Namjoon turn to you, “Oh, did I hurt you? How unfortunate for you,” He mused as your eyes casted down again after you got dressed, “ Are you leaving? For how long this time?” His voice was sickly confident considering your history, “I hurt you a lot, don’t I?”

You nodded, “Almost as much as I love you, how funny,” You responded, grabbing your phone, “Maybe if I cry outside you’ll fall for my tears? Maybe you already have at this rate,” Your voice cracked, “Maybe I should love myself enough to never come back.”

His lips curled into a sickeningly beautiful smirk, “You can certainly try, it would be a sight to see,” He mused, “Loving yourself enough to become more than a pastime is a good goal, I applaud the declaration, but not the cycle of execution you have,” Your entire body sunk in embarrassment, he was right, “Maybe I’ll look in your eyes and you won’t smile one day, how interesting would that be? Did you ever imagine that, a time where you don’t love me?”

“You do,” You sadly confirmed,”I’ve thought about only you loving me for so long, I haven’t given myself time to, maybe I should give the execution of your fantasy a shot,” You confirmed, “Maybe I’ll love someone else someday, maybe even myself,” You almost giggled at the thought, “Goodbye Namjoon, Merry Christmas,” You began walking out.

“See you later,” He simply hollered as you left, letting your tears fall with the snow he adored so much.

—-

You sighed, about to open the door to the shop, “I have to study until 7, at least, okay? Then I’ll hold your keys for 5 hours and sip a soda.”

Her squeal was shrill, but still gratifying, “Okay cool see you at the Alpha Delta house!” You rolled your eyes as she hung up, opening the door to the cafe, ordering your usual drink and setting up your study space in a secluded corner.

Namjoon smiled as the snow touched the exposed areas of his skin while he approached his favorite coffee shop. He would often people watch there, and he couldn’t think of a better day to do so.

Upon ordering, he found that someone was sitting at his usual table. The barista that was utterly infatuated with him offered to move then, but he refused. He figured it wouldn’t hurt to sit somewhere else, but something snapped in him when he saw the face of the mystery person. Your face.

You were there.

You were just typing away, both you and him unaware of the way his heart sped at the sight of you watching cram videos while you studied weeks in advance and sipped your drink. He wanted to be annoyed by you taking his seat, but he determined that is like being angry at the universe for prioritizing Starry Night over himself.

Namjoon’s lips unknowingly twitched upwards for a split second as he watched you chew your lip while you were consumed with studying. He hadn’t properly seen your face in over a year with the campus being so large and your classes differing.

You had changed your hair and developed your own individual sense of style. You had become your own person instead of his fangirl, but he wasn’t quite ready to input that into his mental file he unknowingly had of you. He found himself staring for quite a while before deciding to sit.

A few hours in, you were nose deep into your laptop as someone approached you, a vaguely familiar voice requesting to sit in the chair in front of you. Your headphones were in, so it was a bit muffled, but it was comprehensive. Too lazy to look up, you assumed the other seats were taken and just nodded mindlessly. The person’s face was blocked by your laptop screen, thankful you could avoid awkward eye contact.

Eventually, your break alarm vibrated your phone and you turned it off, beginning a 15 minute break. You sighed, laying your head on the table, looking at the snow pile up.

“Are you studying so that you don’t have to bring your books home?” The presumed male asked.

“I’m not going home, but I have the day off and nothing better to do, “ You participated in the mindless small talk, “Why are you here?”

“I like watching the snow from here,” The person mused, “Stunning, no?”

“It seems I identify with the snow in certain aspects, so no, not at all,” You deadpanned.

“Psych major?” You cringed at the question.

“Had a fling with one,” You responded, “Plus I take a psych class,” You chuckled a bit, “Incorporation of self deprecation is also a specialty of mine, even in small talk with strangers.”

“Are we strangers now?” The man spoke, “I suppose that’s accurate.”

Your eyebrows knitted together as you lifted your head to be face to face with a now dirty blonde, still adonis, Namjoon. He smirked a bit, but it faltered as you stared at him. He noticed the way your lips formed a frown, going the opposite way they used to, “Hello, y/n.”

The day he so fantasised about finally came.

Any sense of light in your eyes replaced by his image in your pupils. Any hint of a smile wiped by the subconscious cringe you exhibited.

He now realized his fantasy was no more than a melancholic nightmare he crafted with the first words you said to him in your reunion.

“Eat a dick,” You snapped, now noticing the empty seats and tables surrounding you.

He blinked in surprise. You had rarely been so crude, especially to him. He noted the change in tone and vocabulary you developed since that last time he saw you, last Christmas.

“One year and my greetings are mindless insults now? What development,” He scoffed, eager to see your reaction. Part of him wanted to see you breakdown, but many parts than he could admit wished to see your smile as you looked at him once more.

Instead, you frowned, “What do you want?” You asked incredulously, “What could I possible have to offer a douchebag of your royal caliber?” You huffed.

“It’s neat how your personality switches like that to me,” He observed, “Defense mechanism?”

His heart subconsciously tightened as the harsh words hit your face, but this was the only way he could get you to talk to him. He felt like an elementary school boy.

“Yes, I get angry after seeing someone that once hurt me, what a revelation you got there,” You seethed, “Wanna over analyze my blinking to feed your ego some more?”

“You’re such a child,” He stated, slightly annoyed at the fact that your reunion had minimal impact on you.

You could swear he could hear your heart pounding out of your chest. You blamed it on his beauty, because despite how much he infuriated you, he was still a work of art.

“You’re such a prick,” You snapped back.

His face curled into a smirk as you prepared yourself for the icy words he would throw at you, “Tell me, have you become promiscuous?” You learned your cheek on your right hand as your eyebrow quirked, “I want to see if my hypothesis was right.”

“That in my heart numbing pain, I’d cling to anything that would make me feel?” He nodded and your entire face scrunched in absolute disgust while he reveled in a reaction from you, “Oh yeah, I suck dick, fuck dick, eat dick all damn day,” You retorted sarcastically, “I’m actually conversing with one right now, amazing I know.”

His smirk fell as he felt the final blow of your icy words strike his walls, crumbling them, “You were never this snippy towards me.”

“I was an exceptional idiot back then,” You remarked, “Now what do you want? I’m busy,” You clipped, starting to type again.

“I can’t check in on an old friend?” His smirk was alive again as your typing ceased, fingers stilled.

—-

“Go away!” You shouted, a smile permeating on your face as Namjoon simply shook his head, looking up at you from the window, “It’s just another day!”

“Nonsense!” He shouted in response from your front yard, “It’s your 17th birthday, and I refuse to let you spend it alone!” You giggled as he pouted while holding balloons and wearing a party hat, trying to hold the massive cake steady, “What kind of sad excuse of a best friend would I be if I did?”

You sighed, “I have to stu-”

“Study tomorrow!” He simply hollered back with his dimpled smile following suit.

After a few hours of eating cake and watching movies, you looked at your phone to see your parent’s picture of their scenery from their hotel out of town and sighed at the thoughts in your head. You had been working up the courage to ask this question you grasped onto anything to preoccupy you, until you let your mouth open, “Namjoon, you’ve had sex, right?” You immediately covered your mouth as he looked at you, swallowing hard.

“We’ve been friends for 13 years, you know I have, why?” He questioned.

“I…I just want to get it over with, you know? I’m not exactly pretty and I don’t want to not ever… and I was… nevermind this is ridi-” You were cut off by a kiss from Namjoon.

—-

“Fuck off, our friendship ended a long ass time ago,” You rolled your eyes, “I’m not the kind of ‘old friend’ you check up on, I’m the kind that you see in passing, but only think, ‘Wow, I sure fucked up with them,’ not come and bother me.” You snapped, “I don’t what you want Namjoon, but I know I’m not giving it to you-”

“Not anymore? What a shame,” He sighed, looking at the snow again.

“Is there a point to this-”

“We need to talk,” He spoke almost ominously.

You paused, your eyebrows scrunching together at you stared at his now serious face, “Why? Are you pregnant?” You moderately joked but he stayed straight faced.

His phone buzzed and he sighed, “Not quite, no,” He replied, “Look, I gotta head to my weekend class, so can we talk tonight?”

“Namjoon, what-”

“Okay see you then,” With that, he was gone, and you could finally breathe again.

—-

There something amazingly beautiful about the way you cried. Your head casted down, hair shielding your face the best it could as light sobbing sound emitted from your beautiful lips. All Namjoon could do was watch in pity with sprinkles of pure awe. You were so beautiful. Each tear fell so delicately, emulating the snow outside your parent’s house. You were sat on moving boxes for your new place and were slouched down into a vulnerable sit with your hands press against the box under you.

“Y/n, I thought you said you wouldn’t cry,” Namjoon sighed, “It’s just a little move,” He fumbled a makeshift comfort system together, because as beautiful you were, it still hurt to see you upset.

You only shook your head, “I’m not crying because I’m moving,” You sniffled, “I’m crying because I’m in love with you, Namjoon,” You sobbed.

“You can’t love anyone until you love yourself,” He simply replied.

You shook your head again, “Bullshit,” You spat, “I love you so much I can’t even focus on how much I utterly hate myself,” His heart stopped as you looked him in the eye.

It was a bittersweet confession, because Namjoon has been waiting for this for 10 years, but he didn’t wait for it to not lost. He wants you. He wants you forever, so he can’t have you now. Not until you both learn how to love yourselves, especially him.

With that conclusion, Namjoon nodded, “Let’s continue packing, shall we?”

—-

As he was sitting on the couch in the middle of a busy party, Namjoon wondered where it all turned to shit. When did he start loving himself more than he thought to love you? When did his self-indulgence begin to destroy you? When did you finally begin to love yourself? Was it when you stopped loving him? Was it when he rejected your love but not your body? He was finally ready to love you, but you didn’t seem to love him anymore.

He sighed as his phone kept vibrating, his mother. He put his face in his hands in frustration. He had lied to her and your parents, and he needed you to help fix it.

“This seat taken?” A familiar sullen voice reached his ears, and he just shook his head, not bothering to see who.

You sat down, looking at Namjoon as your beloved friend took body shots, “So let’s hash this out now,” You spoke, “What did you need?” Namjoon looked up at you.

He studied your appearance. You were wearing a plain dress with fishnets and a coat. He took note of the makeup and gave you a once-over, “It’s snowing out there,” He stated.

“And I’m wearing fishnets, I know,” You sighed, “Now what is it?”

“I lied to our parents,” Namjoon blurted out and you blinked.

Namjoon was a lot of things to you. He was an asshole, prick, and all around fuckhead, but he was no liar.

He sighed as you remained gaping at him, “I really don’t want to go home for Christmas, since I like to study, but she wouldn’t take that excuse anymore, so I-” He heaved a large sigh, “I told her I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend, you,” He looked at you as your eyes flared up.

“What the fuck?!” You yelled, your voice falling on a majority of deaf ears to the pounding music, “Why-”

“And they told your parents,” He cut you off and you sighed heavily, “Who want to skype on Christmas day with us since they’ll be traveling.”

It wasn’t like you had any plans, but you were far from keen at the thought of spending it with him.

Nevertheless you sighed, “You’re such a fuckhole,” You grumble, “Fine, I’ll meet you at your dorm tomorrow morning, dumbass,”

You hated parties. You hated drinking. You did like dancing. Did you dance well? Who knows? All you knew was that the guy trying to bump uglies wasn’t too bad, so you went along with it for now.

Namjoon watched you with a sour look in his face. He had no right to feel so heated, he knew that, but that didn’t stop him from clenching his fists. All his life he protected you until you reached college. Then he ruined you, and now he’s watching his friend’s slimy hand roughly caress your sides, treating the art that was your body like silly putty.

The rando’s hands touched your hips and you closed your eyes as his breath hit your ear, “Did you want to g-”

The moment was short lived as Namjoon pulled him by the cuff of his collar, “Jiminie,” His gruff voice made your hairs stand as you turned to see a very attractive, now flustered, guy who looked small in comparison to the towering figure that was Namjoon who smiled condescendingly at the guy, “Why are you touching what isn’t yours?”

Jimin’s eyes widened, “Hyung? You have a-”

“No, he doesn’t,” You snapped, pouting.

Namjoon narrowed his eyes at Jimin, “Off limits,” He simply said as jimin’s eyes went wide in realization.

“Fuck off Nam-” You were cut off by a kiss from Namjoon.

A sloppy, possessive, and unbelievably unnecessary kiss.

Namjoon didn’t know how or why, but he knew that it was almost like a reflex.

—-

“Y/n, stop pouting,” Namjoon spoke as you sat across from him in the university library while he studied, “You’re supposed to study too.

You huffed, deepening the unbelievably cute pout that made him bite back a smile, “Studying is stupid,” You whined, “It’s snowing out, let’s go do something,”

He sighed heavily, glancing at his books again, “Later,” He simply stated and a whine slipped from your mouth as you stared outside.

You were subconsciously pouting and his heart filled with warmth. Your fingers were tapping to a random beat as you leaned your chin on your other hand, watching the snow fall. Namjoon studied your features for what had to be the billionth time in adoration. Namjoon loved you, he knew that, but he couldn’t admit it yet. He deemed it best to build a better relationship between you and your self-esteem before you and him, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to confess. All he wanted was to have you as his, love you as his, keep you as his.

He just couldn’t bring himself to say, “I love…” Namjoon was ripped from his thoughts as your eyes snapped to him with hope twinkling in your irises. He realized his vocalization and panicked, “The snow,” He finished off the sentence and you pouted again, only to have your bottom lip retreat as he kissed you like he usually loved to when you made that face.

—-

Namjoon kept his lips mashed on yours until Jimin awkwardly slipped from sight and you managed to push him away, ignoring the ache in your heart as you did, “What is wrong with you?!” You shouted, “We talk once after a year and it’s suddenly okay to do this bullshit?”

Namjoon blinked, “I…I’m sorry, that was just a reflex,” He sighed and your heart jumped.

Despite that you scoffed, “Well it’s been a year so get that shit out of your muscle memory,” You snarled, pushing past him, “I need to go home-”

“Stay at my place,” He blurted and you turned to face him with your most perplexed face.

“Why on Earth-”

“7 a.m. Skype call, that’s why,” Namjoon’s smirk made a reappearance as you relented, following Namjoon to his car.

“You’re all over the place today,” You mused, buckling your seatbelt, “How unlike you.”

“Your aggression is unlike you,” He countered and you scoffed again, leaning your head against the window, closing your eyes as the cold glass cooled your forehead.

—-

It was autumn now, and you still hadn’t called him, let alone even looked at him, but he looked at you. He longed for you. He was so close to being able to love you, but you were so far away now, and he had no one but himself to blame.

You were across the room of the party he was at, looking just as uninterested as you always did at places like this. You busied yourself with your phone, unaware of the staring Namjoon.

“I’d fuck her”  Namjoon turned to Jimin, who had just spoken to Jungkook.

“Me too, no doubt,” Jungkook agreed, “That quiet girl, right?” Jimin modded and Jungkook groaned, “Probably a freak.”

Namjoon usually dismissed their talk, but it was when he realized they were mentally defiling you, he could no longer stand it.

mochibuni replied to your post “mochibuni replied to your post “mochibuni replied to your post …”

“He had too much Vader in him.” “You mean too much you, sweetheart.” “I space divorced you once, I can do it again.” “I did add "sweetheart” there at the end.“

Oh, Mochi, why did you have to open this can of worms at this time of the night, now I gotta go on about this, because I have Actual Feelings about it and what a kind of crappy line it was from Han.  I mean, I love Han and understand why it’s so, so tempting to pass on blame to Vader, to feel like, if only Vader hadn’t happened, then this could have been avoided, to see the parallels there and draw that conclusion, to pass on this horrible weight to someone hateful who fucked up so, so many people’s lives.

But.  For one thing, Vader was dead by the time Ben was born, blaming whatever happened with Ben on “there was too much Vader in him” was shit because Vader wasn’t there, Vader had no influence that you didn’t let him have, Vader didn’t do shit to Ben.

But it’s also… how was Leia supposed to take that line? Yes, of course she hated Vader as well, but what does that say about her? If there’s too much Vader in Ben, then that means there’s too much Vader in her.  (Let’s not examine too closely that Leia turned out just fine, so it’s clearly not a nature thing.)  It’s like saying she was born poisoned and any child of hers was going to be poison, too, because there’s “too much Vader in them”, given that Vader had no contact with any of them, did no raising of them, so whatever influence he had was biological/inherent.

You can argue that Han meant via Vader’s reputation, that Ben latched on because of their biological connection and it was the one-two punch of it, but still.  It was a shit thing to say, to imply that it was her bloodline that did this to their child, to try to pass off responsibility to someone long dead and blame her biology for it.

do you understand why i hate nuthuggers? why i call them nuthuggers? why bihet women are dangerous as a group and you should only drop your guard around them if they have proven themselves to not be mra rape activists? do you think “empathy” to the women who support the conversion and eradication of lesbians by any means necessary will help lesbians at all? 

these disgusting, dirty, misogynistic manlovers love men so much and prioritize their dicks so absolutely that lesbians, a minority group that is affected by two axes of oppression, are called oppressive and our erasure is their progressive goal.

to hell with the lot of them. our group is targeted in this disgusting predatory way by our supposed allies and the other side has nazis who hate lesbians for exactly the same reasons and want us eradicated just as much. 

Odd thing happened to me. I didn’t feel anyting,I didn’t even cry that night. All I felt was numb.
They tried to reach me,made sure if I was okay but they can’t. They didn’t understand every words I said,neither can I.
And I didn’t expect that I’ll hate photographs so much since I got some of them with you - especially with you.
Have you hear anything about defenestration? An action of throwing someone out of the window. I currently doing it right now,with you,in my mind. Because I desperately want you disappear - technically from my head - and heart probably.
I loved you and it was enough.