Thank You Letter To My Future Love
Everyone is damaged. You’ll probably learn in many small doses, and a handful of big doses, that I’m very damaged. I have a very hard time trusting people and I let few in.
I can’t say that I had the best role models when it came to love, growing up. Sure, my parents looked happy, but there was always this feeling that something was wrong. It wasn’t until I was in high school when I realized that something was really wrong.
Then it wasn’t until college when I realized something was terribly wrong, and that for most of my life, my parents kind of put on the best damn show.
Because of all of this, I got stuck in this same kind of vicious cycle, where I put on a brave face. I invested so much of myself into toxic relationships because to quote one of my favorite books, “We accept the love we think we deserve.”
I invested myself in relationships where all I felt was insecure and had to be a different person to one up those considered competition. I was stuck in relationships that were unkind, unfaithful, and vicious. (They weren’t even real relationships.)
I just chose to kind of/sort of be loved by random people. I chose to be loved by those who didn’t truly love me. I chose to be loved by those who came around when they had no one to join their pity party. I chose to be used and abused - not physically, but emotionally, and that broke me.
What broke me even more is that I put my brave face on, acting like I wasn’t completely torn apart inside with every bit of me dangling from a string. It took me a long time to mend all of that on my own. It wasn’t easy, and I can’t say that I’m even fully repaired.
Sometimes you can’t fully repair anything, but you can mend them. And though there is a small mark to remind you of what happened - you’re together, you’re making it, and you keep going.
The time I took to mend myself is what led me to you. I let you in because I believed in you and us.
That may sound cliché or melodramatic, but it’s true because like I said before - I let very few people in.
I want to thank you for being patient with me. I know that it can’t be easy for you to be with someone who has a hard time expressing their feelings. It can’t be easy to be with someone who won’t show you their tears because it’s been ingrained in them that tears show weakness. It can’t be easy to be with someone who shuts down in arguments.
I know that it just can’t be easy.
I want to thank you for loving me through all of my flaws. I want to thank you because you broke the cycle. You give me a love that is kind, faithful, and secure. Instead of wanting to be a different person to up the competition - I just want to be a better person. Because there is no competition.
You chose to love me, and I sincerely thank you for that - because now I know that this is love.