i love this game okay i will fight you about it

you know what would have been great? if ron got sorted into slytherin.

imagine– we have this kid on the train, the first friend harry meets, with his corned beef sandwiches and smudged nose. ron is eleven years old and he wants gryffindor, because he’s a weasley and that’s what always happens. but it doesn’t happen.

what a way to redeem slytherin house– or, god, at least complicate it. because ron is petty. he is mean and sharp and ambitious and jealous– and he is loyal to the ends of the earth. he is all those things, and he is and always has been good.

potter becomes before weasley in the alphabet, so harry says not slytherin please and gets told might as well be gryffindor. percy and fred and george are all sitting there in red and gold, ruffling the already-ruffled hair of the boy who lived, smug, and then ron sits down and the hat spits out slytherin!

c'mon it’d be fun. just imagine–

  • the weasleys freaking out– but even that first christmas molly sends him a sweater in beautiful green and silver.

  • snape taking points from gryffindor when ron breaks rules or mouths off. “i’m in your house.” “hm, couldn’t tell which weasley it was…” /drifts away

  • sitting with harry in potions and in flying– whatever classes they happen to share. meeting up to study. scarfing down their breakfasts at separate tables so they can go hang out in the empty classrooms before the day starts. hermione reads while they play exploding snap.
    • the trio signing up for all the same electives third year. this friendship being something they earn and work for; not just the one that looked easiest. (not to bash canon ron&harry, the bros to end all bros, but by putting this very obvious obstacle between them– it makes it that much clearer to the reader that this is a love worth fighting for, because they’re fighting for it).
    • ron being jealous that harry and hermione get to share this house, this home, these hours, while he’s stuck with malfoy and parkinson and goyle– because that would eat him up some days, some months, this insecure kid who’s been the last at everything all his life. this kid who always leaves and always comes back.

  • ron, who constantly compares himself to his brothers– not as smart, not as popular, not as good. one more nail in that coffin, here, yeah? he’s not a prefect, not a quidditch star, not a troublemaker– and even when he becomes those things, someone else has always gotten there first
    • well, i guess he got to this house first at least

  • ron still snaps at snape in potions, after hermione’s been ignored three times, “you know, sir, i think hermione might know the answer.” he still pulls the bars off harry’s window with a stolen, flying car. he still shows harry around the burrow shyly, not knowing what a wonder a warm home is. he still stands up in the shrieking shack as best as he can with a broken leg and tells a mass murderer that if he wants harry he’ll have to go through him first. 
    • ron weasley is a lot of things, but one of them is absolutely a true friend.

  • in their second year:
    • when everyone calls harry the heir, they eye ron at his side and sniff.
    • when hermione lays petrified in the medical ward, ron sits at her side and reads her homework assignments aloud and thinks my house this was my house
    • when ron hugs ginny’s damp, shaking frame after the chamber, ron says sorry and sorry and are you okay and i’m so sorry and ginny calls him an idiot.

  • the trio spends more time in the library with hermione, since ron can’t come to gryffindor tower to study, and homework remains a thing that has to happen. fred and george constantly try to sneak him into the tower anyway. 
    • “c'mon, ronnykins, you belong here, you deserve it, no one’s gonna fuss, it’s your BIRTHRIGHT,” and ron fusses and rolls his eyes at them
    • and then in fourth year in one of those periods where he’s not talking to harry and harry’s not talking to him– he just snaps at the twins
      • because it’s not, alright?
      • not his birthright, not his house, and maybe no one would fuss if he snuck in, maybe no one would care, and that makes it worse not better, because then he’s just that weasley who should’ve been gryffindor
      • and isn’t
    • (and harry overhears this caterwauling, feels his heart fall to his toes, and goes and awkwardly asks ron if he wants to go a few laps on his firebolt). 
    • (because, god, harry-the-chosen-one, harry-in-the-cupboard-under-the-stairs, harry-who’ll-save-us-all– he knows what it’s like to have should have beens on your shoulders, and he knows what it’s like to not be wanted).

  • ron cheers for gryffindor during quidditch matches in those first few years, and sits with hagrid and hermione and neville. harry’s seeker, and fred and george are beaters, and ginny becomes chaser eventually, and honestly screw the slytherin team. they have each and every one of them said disparaging things about ron’s mother.
    • harry and hermione badger ron into trying out for keeper fourth year; he and harry have been practicing on the quidditch pitch because its a non-library-shaped place to hang out where both of them are allowed. ron makes the slytherin roster, and malfoy grudgingly provides ron a team broom after the captain chews him out for a bit.
      • “he may be a weasley, but he’s our keeper, don’t you want to win, draco”
    • but the sort of things they spit in the locker room, the words the players hiss or snigger, the slurs that come easy to their tongues– ron would like to say that he considered just walking out of the cesspit, but instead he snipes and sasses and shouts and sometimes tries to spell slugs at the worst of them. 
      • it doesn’t do much, that one irritated voice of protest– except that it does. and he’s got a new (hand-me-down) wand, after the gilderoy fiasco, so the slugs even come out the right end.
    • fred gives him a black eye with a bludger one time (though ron does manage to block the quaffle) and molly sends a howler to gryffindor table with the morning post. (“RON DID YOU TATTLE”) (“IT WAS CLEARLY PERCY, FRED, SIT DOWN”)
      • (the weasleys often have family conversations across the great hall, with hufflepuffs and ravenclaws covering their ears long-sufferingly between them)

  • in the lake, it’s still ron hanging there in the water, still and bloated. it’s still harry’s heart that stutters in his chest, for all it’s just a game, just a game, just a game, right?

  • ron listens hard and tries to talk himself out of fist fights, all that next year in the slytherin common room as they read aloud rita skeeter articles.

  • when hermione calls dumbledore’s army to its first session in that pub, there are green scarves in that crowd– ron and one of the beaters who ron’s gotten to help glare to rest of the slytherin quidditch team into submission.

  • ron beats draco to being prefect (i think i remember it was dumbledore and not mcgonagall who seemed to award prefect status– snape doesn ’t get a say).
    • percy is SO PROUD, as usual, but so are fred and george. “did you see the little malfoy git? green with shame, my god.”

  • when harry has the dream about sirius, ron isn’t there to wake. but when draco’s pulled out of bed to be a professional bully– er, i mean inquisitorial squad member– ron follows at a careful distance and curses draco from behind. 
    • they ride thestrals over london. harry finds the prophecy and ron thinks about the sorts of things that get decided at your birth.  
    • sirius black was a son of slytherin who had a lion living in his chest that he couldn’t hide away. 
    • ron was meant to be gryffindor, and through a haze of injury and fear he watches sirius die just out of harry’s reach.

  • just imagine: ron with his temper and his sharp words and his fierce loyalty. ron who looks into the mirror of erised and sees house cups and prefect badges and ambitions earned– he could belong in slytherin. there is nothing wrong with wanting things, and he wants them so bad.

  • there are so many reasons to fight a war, and so many ways. harry and his sacrifices, his loving resignation. hermione’s good right hook and bottomless bag of supplies. luna, brilliant and a bit batty. lee jordan’s radio and mcgonagall’s burning patience and brittle, certain bones.

  • just imagine: when the last battle comes, there is a slytherin on the field who is not snape.

  • when draco and his parents walk away, in that last battle, ron–
    • who slept in the same dormitory as the boy for six years
    • who heard draco’s nightmares and saw him paling and desperate all sixth year
    • who is as pureblooded as lucius’s spoiled whelp
    • who remembers grimacing at the thought of squibs
    • who has known magic all his life
    • who spotted draco penning letters home to his mother every sunday and hiding them when the other boys could see–
    • ron sees them going.
      • he sounds no alarms. he says no farewells.
      • he turns back to his friends, and his fight, and lets them be.

  • just imagine: when harry kneels on the train platform and his second son asks him “but what if i get sorted slytherin, dad?” harry can say, “the bravest man i ever knew was in slytherin house. whatever you are, wherever you go, we’re going to be so proud of you." 
    • and they can both gaze over to where ron is squawking beside his daughter’s trolley of luggage because crookshanks (who will live to be forty eight million years old) has latched onto his shins with a violent fondness.
cocked & loaded [dwayne johnson/vin diesel]

okay, so if i were to write the academy award-winning and world peace-establishing screenplay where Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson and Vin Diesel slowly fall in love, this is what it would look like:

  • vin and dwayne would be bitter Rival Agents for an intelligence agency. both would be up for a Big Promotion.  they would both be working together (but against each other) on something something black market mafia.  the mafia would be involved.  they would be VERY CLOSE to cracking this case.  
  • whoever cracks the case gets the promotion! because things like this are always very clear-cut in movies.  and whoever gets the promotion is the Better Agent, and it’s settled forever.
  • what they don’t expect is when they finally go in to make the Big Bust on The Family is that the Big Players will still be at large–and there will be a BABY.  
  • the baby will fall into agency custody, and will require surveillance in a remote safehouse.
  • “i need YOU TWO to pretend and be this baby’s GAY DADS to protect the baby and keep The Family off our tail while we close in on them,” says Head Intelligence Captain Lupita Nyong’o.  
  • dwayne and vin and baby are begrudgingly moved to a suburb of provincetown, massachusetts. cut to shot of a FOR SALE sign being pulled down, a ford fusion hybrid pulling up behind a moving van.  dwayne and vin step out.  they are both wearing muscle shirts and mirror-lensed aviators.  dwayne grabs a baby bag, throws it over his shoulder.  vin grabs the car seat out of the back, and both of them walk-slow motion up the side walk to their new 800k beach house.  
  • here’s what they expect: passive aggressive co-existence for a couple of weeks, where they try to be the Better Dad in a bid for the promotion they both want.  dwayne will go jogging with the baby every morning!! vin will wear her in a sling when he goes to the farmer’s market and smiles at the vendors while feeling up avocados and selecting fresh caught filets of fish!! 
  • here’s what they don’t expect: their next door neighbors are going to be Channing Tatum and Idris Elba and their five beautiful, interracial babies.  they are the perfect Gay Family, but “also,” dwayne says, pushing vin inside from where he’s been grilling steaks and drinking MILLER out of a CAN in broad daylight for the Real Gay Family to see and call over from their patio!!! “these guys are the REAL DEAL.  they’re gonna know something’s up!  i know we’ve had our beef, but we gotta step our game up and work together if we’re gonna make this operation work.”  
  • “you’re right,” vin says.  he’s nodding, looking at a ground, but then up and meeting dwayne’s gaze. “you’re RIGHT.” they’re gonna make this partnership work!!! they are going to be the BEST GAY DADS.
    • CUT TO: vin and dwayne staring at the king sized mattress in the master bedroom.  “i can just–” vin says, but dwayne grabs him by the shoulder and shakes it playfully.  “no man,” he says. “it’s all in or nothing.” 
    • CUT TO: them jogging together with baby playfully squealing from her stroller early in the morning.  
    • CUT TO: vin playfully feeding dwayne grapes at the farmer’s market.  “it’s all or nothing,” he repeats, raising his eyebrows (???? eyebrow folds? idk man). dwayne rolls his eyes and TAKES THE BITE.  
  • CUT TO: channing tatum in monogrammed shorts and pink polo and boat shoes on their front door step with one of his many perfect, precious toddlers on his shoulders, asking them to dinner.  “uh yeah,” dwayne says, cool as a cucumber. he’s not freaking out (he’s totally freaking out!!).  “we’ll bring the wine.”
  • “we’ll bring the wine?” vin repeats, in a hushed voice so the neighbors and baby don’t hear them fighting. “do you know anything about wine? they probably have a second house in france!  i haven’t had anything that didn’t come from a box since–since ever! what were you thinking?” “i panicked!  it seemed like the right thing to say!” 
    • TIRES SCREECH as the ford focus hybrid drifts into the whole foods parking lot.  
  • they show up out of breath, foreheads glistening, with baby in her favorite babybjorn, feet kicking from the day’s excitement of wine shopping.  vin, wheezing, passes a bottle of red and a bottle of white.
    • “oh, a chateau coutet barsac,” idris says with a chuckle, showing the label to channing. “remember that time–?” and oh my GOD, they have inside jokes!! 
    • (”we don’t have any inside jokes!!” dwayne whispers when they immediately excuse themselves halfway through a tour of the house. “that’s because you are the least funny person i know!” vin replies. “god, i hate you!!!” they both probably hiss at each other.)
  • the worst and best part of the night is when they’re serving the roast veg salad, and channing says with the best intentions, “so, how did you two meet?”
    • “uh,” vin says.
    • “the gym,” dwayne says. which, actually turns out to be true.  they look at each other, smile soft and genuine for once at each other, REMEMBERING. before they were BITTER RIVALS, they met at the academy gym and were GYM BUDDIES.  they used to have FUN trying to beat each other’s PR on the treadmill, they used to LOVE shit talking each other when they spotted each other bench pressing, they used to snap towels at each other’s asses in the locker room and totally not check each other out or anything!!! and then they were both accepted to the same position at work and they stopped being friendly for whatever reason.  they stop smiling, they look away from each other.  “anyway.”
    • “we met building houses for habitat for humanity,” idris offers, because of COURSE THEY DID.
  • the second worst part of the night is when channing mentions during the dessert course that two weeks from now is the annual May Day Homeowner’s Neighborhood Block Party Crab Cookoff, and maybe dwayne and vin would like to host to get to know everyone else in the neighborhood! 
  • vin has had like, three more glasses of wine than everyone else, and with aid of liquid confidence, shrugs his shoulders and leans back in his chair and says, “yeah, man, we’d love to.”
    • “’yeah, man, we’d love to?’” dwayne repeats when they’re walking home, baby asleep in her bjorn. 
    • “sorry, did you want me to give ourselves away? what happened to being the best? we’re trying to be believable!” 
    • “yeah,” dwayne says, watching vin strip off his shirt and pants and toss them over his shoulder into their spare hamper before crawling into their bed.  it’s routine.  they both have their sides of the bed.  “believable.”
    • the bedroom is quiet as they face away from each other at the edges of the mattress.  eventually dwayne asks, “do you remember why we stopped being friends?”
    • for a second he thinks maybe vin’s gone to sleep.  but he turns over.  “no,” he says.  “or yeah, maybe. as soon as i realized we would both be seeing action, it became too much of a risk.  friendship.  it was easier to lose you as a friend on my terms than lose you as a friend because you got your dumbass killed.”
    • they decide to be friends again.  you know, for the baby.  for work. whatever.  
  • they get so caught up in planning the May Day Homeowner’s Neighborhood Block Party Crab Cookoff, making inside jokes and ignoring the increasing casual physical intimacy between them that they don’t realize they are BEING WATCHED.
  • the mafia is HERE and they want their BABY and they want dwayne and vin DEAD.  
  • the M.D.H.N.B.P.C.C happens and everything is going according to plan, and they are about to have dwayne judge the bisque portion of the competition, but no one has seen dwayne anywhere!!!!
  • are there warehouses in provincetown??? is there a bad part of provincetown??? anyways, that’s probably where the mafia took dwayne.  vin is FREAKING OUT, how does he save dwayne??? how does he protect the baby, who they are using dwayne as ransom for??? who will judge the bisque portion of the crab cookoff???
  • idris puts a hand on his shoulder.  he’s been watching the entire time.  “i’ll take the baby into our panic room–” OF COURSE THEY HAVE A PANIC ROOM, “and channing will judge the bisque portion of the crab cookofff.  you go save your man.”
  • CUT TO: vin getting geared up to go out and kick some mafia ass, entering their walk-in closet and grabbing GUNS and a BULLET PROOF VEST and lacing up his L.L BEAN MEN’S GORETEX LEATHER BOOTS.  
  • vin takes out the entire warehouse-or-whatever of mafia lackeys and comes across dwayne tied up and blindfolded.
  • “who’s there!” dwayne demands, like he’s ready to fight despite himself.  vin takes three strong steps forward and grabs him by the back of the head and pulls him in for a kiss.  “guess who,” he replies.  dwayne smiles.
  • just then the Final Boss shows up as dwayne is being untied and like, something dramatic happens or whatever, but it’s okay.  they die or go to jail or something, it doesn’t really matter, because dwayne and vin are in LOVE and they’re gonna adopt the hell out of that baby.
  • CUT TO: a month later.  Head Intelligence Captain Lupita Nyong’o is disappointed when vin won’t accept his promotion.  
  • “i would,” he says, heavily decorated for saving dwayne in the field and taking down the mafia family.  “but the code of conduct says that it would be a conflict of interest if i was my husband’s supervisor.” BAM! THE END.  THEY’RE MARRIED.  WORLD PEACE UNLOCKED.   DONALD TRUMP IMPEACHED.  EVERYONE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

anonymous asked:

Can you please do BTS as dads?

(this is based on their sun signs)

Jin 

  • the fun dad
  • looks like he hasn’t aged since he was 20
  • probably the least strict
  • because sagittariuses value freedom and independence 
  • they want their children to be their own people
  • super chill
  • doesn’t believe in strict punishment
  • cooks better than their mom
  • loves adventures
  • takes his kids camping, to amusement parks, anywhere they want
  • d a d j o k e s
  • always bright and sunny and cheers them up his humor
  • or makes them cringe
  • “dad im hungry” “hi hungry im dad”
  • [windshield wiper laugh]
  • instills strong morals and values in his kids

Originally posted by yoongiski

Yoongi

  • the affectionate dad
  • pisces are very compassionate, patient, and understanding
  • so he’d be able to handle kids and their moodiness really well
  • the person they always go to for comfort and advice
  • loves spending time with his kids
  • always makes them feel loved and appreciated
  • encourages their creativity
  • shares his love of music with them
  • “kiddos u know back in the day i was kinda a big deal. they called me suga”
  • “dad we literally live right next door to the bangtan uncles”
  • makes his kids hold each other’s hands when they start arguing
  • cries on the first day of kindergarten
  • the type to take pics and make scrapbooks and record videos to keep memories
  • and cry proud-father-tears when rewatching them

Originally posted by shootingfingerhearts

Hoseok 

  • the cool dad
  • another one that’s not strict
  • encourages his kids to be unique and individual
  • wants them to have a high self esteem and not follow the crowd
  • would raise really artsy kids who have a unique fashion sense
  • lowkey would be fine with them breaking some rules
  • high fives them when they stand up to mean teachers or bullies
  • pranks his kids
  • acts more like their friend 
  • so so supportive
  • shows up to every sports game or performance and screams louder than all other parents

Originally posted by btsreactionsandgifs

Namjoon

  • the overprotective dad
  • his little ones would probably inherit his god of destruction gene
  • so you’d come home one day and he’s wrapping them in bubble wrap
  • puts all his energy into raising his kids
  • lowkey strict
  • but only because he wants to see them shine 
  • the house runs so well
  • they go to bed at exactly the same time every day
  • sets a curfew
  • has those “my child is an honor roll student” stickers on his car
  • brags to other parents about how gifted they are
  • embarrasses them in public
  • his kids look up to him a lot

Originally posted by yayaruizc

Jimin 

  • the hot dad
  • teachers flirt with him during pta meetings
  • impresses their classmates by picking them up in his nice car
  • all his daughter’s friends have a crush on him
  • his kids will be super popular 
  • always fair
  • can defuse fights between them like a pro
  • creates a calm, peaceful, and beautiful home
  • his kids are always the best dressed
  • has a really good relationship with their mom and takes her out on dates every weekend
  • a good listener
  • is like their friend and has a really tight bond with them

Originally posted by jiminboi

Taehyung 

  • the rich dad
  • his family will live in the nicest biggest house
  • works hard to make sure they’re financially secure
  • always away on some business trip
  • but comes home with so many gifts
  • puts his kids in the best private school
  • spoils them
  • but still keeps them down to earth
  • his kids have good manners from a young age
  • teaches them the importance of hard work and discipline
  • old fashioned
  • the type to say “i’m your father, listen to me” all the time
  • loves taking his family on fun extravagant vacations every summer
  • super proud of every little thing his kids accomplish
  • keeps pictures of them in his (gucci) wallet

Originally posted by jinmini

Jungkook

  • the organized dad
  • has his shit together
  • super reliable and dependable
  • keeps everything neat and tidy
  • helps the mom with cooking and chores
  • color coordinates and name tags all their toys and clothes
  • makes them cute lunch boxes with supportive messages every day
  • sings them to sleep
  • tries to be strict but fails
  • “son it’s time to study please get off the computer. wait…is that overwatch? ….okay one more round if i can join”
  • a bit of a worry wart
  • always thinking about their well being and safety
  • when they get sick he flips out
  • “y/n according to webmd they’re dying. i’ve failed as a father. this is it.”
  • “jungkook pls calm down it’s just a cold”
  • puts his little ones in sports or dancing and takes them to practice
  • supports the heck out of them

Originally posted by jiminboi

fictional-portal  asked:

dare i ask....what is critical role?

oh boy, okay, so THIS IS GONNA BE LONG, HEADS UP

Critical Role is a series on Twitch produced by Geek & Sundry where (famous) voice actors Laura Bailey, Travis Willingham, Taliesin Jaffe, Marisha Ray, Liam O’Brien, Ashley Johnson, Sam Riegel and Matthew Mercer play Dungeons & Dragons. Sometimes there are guests players and they are all always AMAZING.

They are all very close friends (some are spouses and married) and had this D&D campaign even before it started being broadcasted. Matthew is the Dungeon Master. Everyone is always in-character during the games, thanks to their talent, the voices and acting and RP is TOP NOTCH and you cry and laugh a lot.

The episodes can be up to 4 hours long sometimes, and there is 110 episodes so far (roughly the same length as a TV show with 7 seasons). It’s very intimidating, but you can also just listen to it and not watch them.. although (and i’m not even biased when I say that) watching Laura Bailey react to everything is like, one of the best thing about CR. Also the physical acting is sometimes important! The show is being uploaded in podcast form tho!

It’s broadcasted every Thursdays on Twitch, and then the episodes are added to Youtube on Mondays.


Who’s in the Party aka Vox Machina (some things will be left unsaid to avoid spoilers):

Vex’ahlia (Vex) played by Laura Bailey *harp music*

Half-Elf Ranger. Went from Neutral Good to Chaotic Neutral, and currently is Chaotic Good. Vax’s twin sister. She has a bear named Trinket whom she loves more than anything in the whole world (tie with Vax, probably). She winks a lot and flirts with everybody. SHE LOVES MONEY. A good person but sometimes does questionable things like lying and stealing. Self-worth issues. Lowkey bisexual, only kinda confirmed off-screen.

Vax’ildan (Vax) played by Liam O’Brien

Half-Elf Rogue. Chaotic Good. resident emo boy, but also a Soft Boy. Vex’s twin brother. Very emotional. A bit obsessed with Death. Depressed. Loves to prank Grog, and would die (literally) for his twin sister. Bros with Grog and Scanlan. Loves to braid hair. An actual bird. Canon bisexual.

Grog Strongjaw played by Travis Willingham

Goliath Barbarian. Chaotic Good or Chaotic Neutral? VERY TALL. Has an intelligence of 6. Pike’s best friend. Thinks water is poison (but not anymore, CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT). The cutest murder machine. Fighting is like yoga for him. LOVES women and brothels. Also ale.

Pike Trickfoot played by Ashley Johnson

Gnome Cleric. Chaotic Good. The Mom friend. Grog’s best friend. Loves the goddess of Light and Healing, Sarenrae, whom she is a cleric of. She will swing her holy mace in your face if you threaten her friends. An actual angel?? Played by an actual angel? Plays only when she isn’t busy on the set of Blindspot.

Keyleth played by Marisha Ray

Half-Elf druid. Neutral Good. Percy’s best friend. Basically The Avatar. Most powerful member of the party. Vox Machina’s moral compass, she is 90% of their impulse control. Very wise but very socially awkward. (Spoilers) She jumped off a cliff, turned into a goldfish and died that one time. She’s okay tho. She loves the twins. She loves all of her friends tbh. Gets arrested a lot??. Scared about her future. Lowkey bisexual, kinda confirmed off-screen.

Lord Percival Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III (Percy) played by Taliesin Jaffe

Human Gunslinger (Fighter). Neutral Good. Keyleth’s best friend. A little bit haunted. Obsessed with contracts and demons tbh. THE SMARTEST BOY. Build a lot of impressive stuff. Sometimes he makes jewelry for the party out of sea shells or dragon scales. Talks fancy. Loves explosions. Has PTSD.

Scanlan Shorthalt played by Sam Riegel

Gnome Bard. Neutral Good or Chaotic good? Unsure. Probably Chaotic Good. Bros with Vax and Grog. Really fancies Pike. A player. Has a lot of issues but hides behind humor. The funniest and most talented. Is often naked. Very loyal. A complex character. He doesn’t like Trinket. Canonically not Straight. Probably Pan??

Taryon Darrington (Tary) played by Sam Riegel (for a while)

Human Alchemist. Alignment?? He’s a good boy. A REAL DIVA. Rich. Super smart. Has an automaton named Doty who writes down his adventures. Vex’s best friend. Bros with Percy. His arc was brief but he started as a pompous brat and ended being a soft and loyal member. Scared easily. Loves being an adventurer. Canonically very gay.

Beloved NPCs, played by Matthew Mercer (but only some of them because Matt plays over 100+ NPCs)

  • SHAUN GILMORE. Human. The prettiest and (canonically) gayest shopkeeper in all the lands. Actually an incredibly powerful sorcerer. Had a crush on Vax and vice versa.
  • Allura Vysoren. Human. Very graceful and smart. Amazing arcanist (wizard). Vox Machina’s number one emergency contact tbh. She loves Kima, in a gay way. Canonically bisexual.
  • Lady Kima of Vord. Halfling Paladin. She serves the deity Bahamut, The Platinum Dragon. Small but will kick everyone’s ass.  Sassy. Will kill you if you prank her. Butch Icon. Loves Allura very much. Canonically very gay.

/!\ SPOILERY NPCs /!\ :

  • J’mon Sa Ord. Nonbinary. SO ELEGANT. Barefoot at all times. Kind of tired of Vox Machina’s shit, but is still fond of them nonetheless. Spoilers x1000: Actually a (good) Dragon. The coolest sovereign. I’m in love.
  • Cassandra De Rolo. Human. Percy’s sister. Is running a kingdom while her brother is out and about shooting at bad dragons. NEEDS A FUCKING NAP. LET HER SLEEP, MATT.

Characters came and went (Tiberius Stormwind played by Orion Acaba for example) and some guests come back more often than the others, but this is getting way too long so let’s stop here.


Honestly, CR is the best thing I’ve ever watched. I never laugh as much as I do in front of a TV as I do in front of CR. Same for surprise and tears and stress and everything a show can make you feel. It’s truly something else.

“What is Critical Role” video. A good and fun recap.

You can watch Critical Role HERE

Good luck!

SDCC SU Panel stuff!

- Zach: “Rebecca, what can you tell us about what’s to come next on Steven Universe?”
Rebecca: “I’m really excited, well … We’ve had these incredibly huge events lately, and we’re just gonna see the fallout, this bomb, there will be HUGE consequences to everything that’s happened, and the rollercoaster has sort of rocketed forward from here on out, so these next episodes were really exciting to make.”

- A VERY intense trailer was shown of what’s to come next. I couldn’t see it, I could only hear it. The audio I transcribed below:
Pearl: “I thought you’d see it someday, but … I thought I’d be there with you.”
Steven: “You’re safe! You’re here! I’m here! We’re safe, everything’s fine.”
Connie: “But it’s not, though.”
Steven: “I just wanted to save everyone, but I couldn’t even do that. I don’t know how I’m gonna get you out of this. Are you doing okay?”
Sadie: “Well, I’m worried about Lars being in space, and I hope he’s safe and all.”
Blue or Yellow Zircon: “You RAN?! From Blue and Yellow Diamond?!!”
Greg: “I don’t know anything about Homeworld, I don’t know anything about your (intangible), you guys have to put it in the contest!”
Pearl: “There are things on Earth that are impossible for me to explain. But I want to.”
Lapis: “They’re gonna take her anger out on this planet, just like they did before. I WON’T let myself get caught up in another war.”
Peridot: “Earth is our home now! Isn’t it worth fighting for … ?”

- A new Save The Light trailer was shown, and a new Peridot was revealed in the game! Her name is ‘Squaridot’, she has square hair, limb enhancers, and a left eye gem.

- Q: “Would Rainbow Quartz be the same or different with Steven?”
Rebecca: "Rainbow Quartz 2.0 would variably be different …….. it …….. Forget I said that. That’s a very good question thank you.”

- Q: “Have we seen the full extent of Lion’s powers?”
Rebecca: “I don’t think we’ve seen the full extent of Lion’s abilities yet”, etc.

- Q: “Which Off Color do you relate the most to and why?”
Rebecca: “Rhodonite. The neurotic one.”
Zach: “Padparadscha.”
Deedee: “Padparadscha.”

- Q: “I was wondering if there was any challenges making the music for the show?”
Rebecca: “Oh of course, we don’t get any extra time to do episodes with songs in them than episodes without songs in them. I think the most challenging one was Mr. Greg.”

- Q: “While making the show (cont.), I’ve been a creator for a long time, and I just had to ask: Do you gauge if something’s gonna be really popular? Like Padparadscha immediately became an enormous meme.”
Rebecca: “I think we focus on loving what we’re making. We all love Padaparadscha, so … I suppose it wasn’t a surprise to see people loved her too. I think some of the stuff that catches on is the fun ideas we have, and that was one of those where someone at a big writer’s meeting pitched that concept of a Sapphire that sees the past and we all just loved it instantly (cont.) … and thought how sweet that would be. And I always thought of Sapphires being Zelda-esque, so I really wanted a sort of Peach to contrast her Zelda.”

- Q: “Was Lars becoming pivotal something you planned from the beginning?”
Rebecca: “I think it happened naturally, because Lars was one of the oldest characters in the show. I was drawing Lars and Sadie back in college. They’re older than Steven Universe. I think they were always gonna be very very important.”

Letters to the Signs

Aries: You’re trying to do so much in such little time, but darling take a breath it will be okay. Time is still time you can’t change it even if you waned to. Everyone’s fighting for something, but you’re fighting yourself. Don’t do that because everything will be alright in the end

Taurus: Love is tough, love is rare to find but when you find that special someone s/he’s going to be like finding a diamond on the street: unexpected, inconvenient, but something you will never let go of

Gemini: You’re scared about the future. You’re scared you’re not enough. BUT YOU ARE. BABY YOU ARE. Don’t try and be someone you’re not because you can only be the best version of yourself

Cancer: The past tends to hold onto you. You scream of high hopes and sweet dreams. It’s the best thing about you, but baby don’t let it hurt you. Keep moving forward because things that are meant to be will work out eventually. Work for what you want but don’t hurt yourself more than you have to

Leo: You’re busy getting your life together. You want to party and socialize but you life is taking a toll on you. Balance in your life is important. Make sure to cherish yourself and others equally. Even when life is tough, you got this. I believe in you

Virgo: School and work, school and work, that’s what your life revolves around. What’s a bath? You don’t know. How do your pamper yourself? No idea. Live a life that you want! Don’t be afraid to take risks. Nothing is a bad as it seems

Libra: You socialize and smile but on the inside you feel isolated and sad. Don’t surround yourself with negative people. People who are supposed to be in your life will be there. Not everyone and everything is permanent. Some are there simply to help you grow

Scorpio: You want things to work out but you’re scared! You’re not used to vulnerability, and you’re scared to let people see you for who you truly are. You’re wonderful and beautiful cutie, don’t let anyone else think otherwise

Sagittarius: You think that everyone is distancing themselves from you because you’re distant from them. All you want is to be loved. Don’t worry. You’re funny, and witty and the life of the party. People will love you as long as you tell them you love them too

Capricorn: You’re so confused all the time. People think you know what you’re doing but you’re so frustrated all the time. Don’t think about other peoples opinions because your life is yours so live it. Don’t worry about what others think

Aquarius: Do you ever feel like you’re ahead of your game but behind everyone else at the same time? You feel like you’re missing SOMETHING but you’re not sure what it is. What you’re missing is confidence babe! You’re doing great and you’re gonna keep doing great things i promise xo

Pisces: What you want to do seems so unattainable right now. You feel like no one supports you, not even yourself. Everything will work out as planned if you keep going though. Love is something you should fight for, not back away from even when it gets hard. You got this darling

Homestuck Pool Party Headcanons

John: Canonballs in IMMEDIATELY, he is yelling and he is fucking excited move out of the way this boy is coming through!! Also, because he has a breath aspect I am 413% certain that he can stay underwater for indefinite amounts of time and you can bet your ass he’s going around grabbing people’s feet to freak them out. He and Terezi have a contest to see who can make the most people jump, I will not say who wins I will only say that it is unfortunate for everyone involved. He and Dave are an unstoppable chicken team, they have never lost and will do Whatever It Takes to make sure that remains true.

Dave: Is just chillin, he cares more about keeping his shades dry than swimming around. He will go hard as hell in Marco Polo tho, if you thought he was too cool to jump at the nearest person faster than the speed of light you were wrong buddy he will do what it takes to WIN. Also, when he is the Marco he will (unfairly) target Karkat. This is frustrating. “I’m not even being that loud” Karkat protests for the umpteenth time Dave tags him. “Bullshit” everyone else says, but there’s still a rule that Dave can’t tag Karkat more than five times in a row because really Dave we know you love hearing him yell but Enough Please.

Karkat: Is Bad At Marco Polo. He is so loud. My son. Please. Is very hesitant to get into the water at first bc he’s sensitive to the cold and would rather angrily sweat than deal with the initial shock of getting in. Dave will patiently chill nearby until Karkat is ready, or Dave decides that Karkat is ready in which he will absolutely drag him in. Karkat does not know how to swim so he won’t go past the shallow end, and considering how short he is, uh, that’s not very much of the pool. Dave has to carry him sometimes which he complains about A Lot but secretly kind of likes it whoops. Karkat and Sollux are the shittiest chicken team, Karkat is too afraid of falling in to have any sort of effective strategy and Sollux is like “Karkat just push him” and sort of plows into the other team which just leads to Karkat screeching and nothing gets done.

Roxy: LOVES SWIMMING WITH HER FRIENDS!!! Real people?? That she’s hanging out with?? And you KNOW she’s excited to wear that cute as fuck bikini she alchemized months ago ‘just in case’ ;) ;) ;). After years of knowing Jane and her silly prankster shenanigans, John will absolutely not get the drop on her no sir, he tries to grab her foot she will raise that leg and pull the boy out of the water and give him the Mom Look™. This is war. John will not win. She loves being with Jane and Roxy and her boys!! She is just full of so much love it’s incredible. She deserves this so much.

Calliope: Doesn’t know much about swimming or why humans (and trolls ish) find it so enjoyable, but Roxy is excited so she is too! Interestingly enough, cherubs Do Not Float. Roxy is waving a nervous Callie into the pool and she’s coming down the ladder and once it gets to her chin everyone expects her to do something but no, she makes it to the bottom of the pool and just walks like normal over to where Roxy is. The water level comes up to just below her nose and she has to tilt her head back to speak. “Like this?” She asks excitedly, ‘uh,,, yeah,,,like that’ everyone responds nervously, giving big smiles and thumbs up because they don’t want to disappoint her.

Jade: A master swimmer, she and Jake grew up on an island in the middle of the goddamn pacific my girl knows how to GO. No one realized how fucking ripped Jade was. Jade is ripped as heck. She’s got back and shoulder muscles like an absolute goddess and everyone is like holy shit? Jade? Have you been benching pumpkins all these years? She likes chilling with Jane and Roxy and Calliope because she has been longing for some gals to hang with forever. Not that she doesn’t love Rose, she does, it’s just, they have such differing personalities and anyways it’s kind of hard being around her and Kanaya bc they’re so cute it makes your teeth hurt.

Rose: She and Kanaya have matching floppy sun hats, they love laying out in the sun because Kanaya is a little nervous around water thanks to a certain sea-dweller *cough* eridan *cough*. Rose doesn’t mind, her swimsuits are more for show than swim anyways. She’s got some really cool and intricate goth-y ones and some nice lighthearted pastel ones, an orange and yellow fancy one-piece and a frilly lavender one. Rose has a new appreciation for sunlight but still religiously applies sunscreen because a home girl may be immortal, but fuck if she is gonna deal with any nasty sunburns after defeating the fucking embodiment of evil.

Kanaya: As previously stated, very nervous around water, but so so happy to be in the sun?? It’s not as bright as the one on Alternia which is fine because that means her troll friends can enjoy it too, but she’s literally just so happy to be around people that enjoy the sun the way she does because she’s felt wrong and different about it for years and she finally found someone that understands her ahhshshsjs. She designs all of Rose’s swimsuits and loves seeing her wear them. When it gets dark out, she likes to turn on the glow a little and all these cute little furry wingbeasts will flock to her?? “Those are moths” Rose tells her. “These are my children now” Kanaya pats Rose’s arm, they’re her children too because that’s how human marriage works she’s pretty sure

Dirk: Is so awkward oh my godddd, a little uncomfortable in his body actually? This boy might have muscle but he is all arms and legs and doesn’t know what to do with them because he’s never fuckifnfnfn been around people before. Doesn’t say “Marco” during Marco Polo, he just listens. Breath too loud? You’re tagged. Splash a little? Tagged. Move? Tagged. He’s never Marco for more than two minutes because he’s so in tune with his reflexes that no one even stands a chance. With Jake on his shoulders, they make a decent chicken team, but they’re too worried about each other to be effective. “You okay up there?” He wants to make sure. Someone is tipping Jake over oh no get him off my shoulders is he okay, oh he’s fine, yes I know how the game works Roxy, no Rose why don’t you get in the pool and do a better job before you come for me like that. Rose and Kanaya, in an extremely rare occurrence, do get in for a round of chicken. They beat Dirk and Jake almost immediately. They return to the deck. This never happened and we don’t speak of it.

Jake: Is bad at Marco Polo, he’s an amazing swimmer but he’s not…quiet. After growing up on that island, fighting and swimming, Jake is also Ripped as Heck. Dirk blushes his fucking ass off the first time he sees Jake shirtless. Jake acts all clueless like oh? What’s wrong Dirk? Is something the matter? But he knows exactly what he’s doing and if he’s subtly flexing in front of him, well. That can’t be helped. He may suck during chicken with Dirk, but with Jade on his shoulders? Hoo boy, they give Dave and John a run for their money. He is also John’s favorite to grab the feet of because his reactions are always so over the top with his phrasing. “Horsefeathers!” He grabs at his foot in panic because his first thought is it was one of the monsters from his island, then he sees it was just John who is laughing his ass off because, horse feathers? Really? “I say,” Jake huffs indignantly even though he’s smiling now. “Warn a fellow!”

Jane: Looks rockin’ in her swimsuits because she’s wearing the whole high waisted pinup style ones and?? She’s super gorgeous? Roxy makes sure to tell her that every five seconds just in case she forgets. She and Roxy make a decent chicken team, usually they’re laughing so hard by the end of it that whoever was on top can’t do anything and they fall off because they don’t care about winning they’re just having such a good time. She and Roxy take turns carrying Callie around when the water gets too deep, not that Callie needs to be above the water per se as she seems to have no trouble breathing, but it just makes everyone a little more comfortable and anyways Callie loves it.

Terezi: Killer at Marco Polo for obvious reasons, sometimes she gets tagged on purpose just to show off how quickly she can find people. The only person she’s never been able to get is John, he uses his windy powers to obscure his scent so she can’t “see” him. He is her Marco Polo white whale. One day, John, one day. She and Vriska are terrifying during chicken, Vriska will plow full speed towards the opposing team and Terezi is ready to Throw Hands. The most intense games are between them and John and Dave, both John and Terezi are on top and they fuckin battle it out so hard that Dave and even Vriska start to get nervous on the bottom.

Sollux: Says the water feels slimy. “No shit,” Karkat tells him. “It’s water you fucking shitstain.” Sollux cheats during chicken by using his psiionics to keep Karkat on his shoulders which only makes Karkat mad because he’s terrified of falling in and holy shit Sollux I don’t care what you think your powers are doing I’m gonna fall in fuck fuck fuck. “No I got you” Sollux assures him. He does not. Karkat is not got. Oh well. Sollux mostly likes chilling on inner tubes, plural. He has a blue one and a red one because he’s too tall to fit in just one. “Get a bigger inner tube” Karkat complains. “Perhaps get one of those long, recliner like ones?” Kanaya suggests. No. Sollux will use two inner tubes. He will make the sacrifice of comfort for his aesthetic.

Y’all I Think I Got Sonic Forces Figured Out

Okay so I know we are all over the moon about the trailers and game play videos that we have gotten these past few days, but I honestly think that we have been glaring over a pretty CRUCIAL detail from the classic sonic game play video 

Think about what we have heard from the Sega Officials, this is not a Sonic Generations sequel. But how can this be if classic sonic is in the game? How are Sonic’s past enemies here alive and ready to fight? How is it not akin to generations if classic Sonic is alive and here?

But what is he isn’t?

What if this classic sonic isn’t the one from generations at all? But instead, from another dimension? Now I suppose Dr. Eggman may just be referring ro another state of time, but I don’t think the connection stops there. For the most obvious question, how in the WORLD did Eggman take over the world without Sonic to stop him? Its the focus of the game but H O W? In colors, generations and lost world. sonic had made stabs at Eggman claiming “Its like its his job to stop him” because, well? It is. Eggman knows this. He knows it far too well. In generations he went back in time to try to right his wrongs, to redo his errors and end Sonic but time and time again it didn’t happen. So what if Dr.Eggman instead decided to look beyond his world, to another dimension, with another Eggman? But why stop there? Why not bring forth a dimension where Sonic failed? Not only that, but a universe where Chaos destroyed Station Square. A world where Metal Sonic won the race on Starlight Speedway. A world where Shadow never helped to defeat the bio-lizard. A world where the deadly six drained the world of its life? This would explain why Shadow has suddenly switched over to the dark side, why Metal Sonic is still functional, why Zavok is alive and why Chaos is in his earlier forms before he became perfect chaos. 

 Of course, like the Time Eater, Eggman wouldn’t be able to do this on his own, as we have seen with our new villain: 

Now as menacing as he appears, these cubes are so….out of place. It’s strange on why he has all these cubes, and why the trailer makes them look as dramatic as it can. Showing our new villain SURROUNDED by them and then ending the trailer with him hurling them at you. It’s odd. So what are they if the cubes are so important? Well to put it simply,

They’re different dimensions 

Whoever this guy is, he is in control of countless dimensions, more than enough to combine and design a whole new terrible reality. A whole new HORRIFIC dimension, where Sonic has failed, and Eggman reigns supreme. What is the name of this devious villain?

INFINITE 

As in..Infinite worlds?

The clues are right in front of us, and all we had to do was pay attention. The trailer certainly wants to get the point across

Now, I may be jumping the gun on this one, with my head of fan fiction type ideals, and perhaps this new villain will just be connected to whoever you create as your own character, (either it be an evil twin or something like that) but who would want to do this? Who would want to bring total destruction onto a world full of peaceful people? Who would want to see the world burn and fall apart right before their eyes because of their wrong doings? Who would want to see people of the resistance fail hopelessly, desperate to save their once beautiful world? Who would want to team up with Eggman to decimate the world? Who hates Sonic so much that he would want nothing more than to force him to watch as his legacy, friends,home,universe fall apart? WHO IS INFINITE? Well I may be wrong, but there’s only one person who can and will

From the timeline that was erased. From the universe you reversed in Sonic 06. From the world you fought so hard to save and redo, rewriting reality so you could get the happy ending. 

Now, its his turn 

On a side note, Sonic Team knows that sonic 06 was a disaster, and make reference to it in the Sonic story episode in Lego Dimensions. Pretty coincidental or foreshadowing? Some other things we can consider as well could be that in 2012 we first heard rumors of a Sonic game called “Sonic Dimensions” The rumor said that we would be traveling to other universes with different color Sonics that had their own personality. My personal favorite, is a promise of a boss fight of an evil Amy Rose, wishing for Sonic’s pain rather than love. Now the rumor as we know now is false and was debunked and this could very well be a coincidence. However, this rumor broke out in 2012, a year or so after Generations and 1 year before Lost world released in 2013. I think we can safely say that Lost world was at the very least in early stages of production during or sometime after Generations especially with its ambitious game play style. It would have taken more than 2 years to make, with the game play style and everything else. This means, Sonic Forces could had possibly be in the early stages of development a little before Lost World, playing on the idea of different universes.I think it’s also possible that Sonic Forces may had been delayed at some point because of Sonic Boom’s games and tv show, since its not being advertised at the 25th anniversary game. Also is a pleasant time to remember that this happened:

Due to Gravity Falls’s more dark story telling, I think its safe to assume that Alex had some kind of influence on Sonic Forces’s story. Either way, 

We are in for a long deserved fantastic Sonic Game my friends. 

Basically, This is Basically What Every Dr. Phil Episode is Basically Like Basically
  • Dr. Phil: Hello, I am Doctor Philip, and today we'll be tackling an issue that is very widespread, but rarely spoken about. Gaming addiction. Now, I know many of you know at least one person in your life who plays video games, whether that be a child or, in some cases, a spouse.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: But, when unregulated, gaming can lead to serious addiction. Today I have with me a mother who's home life has been torn apart as her very own son descended into gaming addiction.
  • Mother: *sniffing and wiping tears away* Hello, doctor. Will you cure my son?
  • Dr. Phil: Well, dear, that's... uhh. Let's just bring the boy out already.
  • *dramatic music plays*
  • Gamer: My name is Gregg, I'm 19 years old, I'm a gaming addict, and I don't give a f*ck.
  • Audience: *gasps*
  • Gamer: Yeah, I game for 19 to 20 hours a day and the other four hours I use for looking up sick gaming strats or beating it to anime porn. I once sucked off a dude because he offered me minecraft diamonds. I don't give a sh*t, I would've sucked him off even if he didn't have the diamonds.
  • Audience: *gasps louder*
  • Gamer: Do I hate women? Yes, I hate women. I've emailed Anita Sarkeesian my address. She knows where I am if she wants to fight me. Feminists, square the fuck up. People always ask why I don't do anything other than gaming. I ask them why don't they mind their own f*cking business. I don't think I have a problem. Dr. Phil can honestly eat my whole an*s.
  • Gamer: *walks out onto the stage*
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: F*ck all y'all! I don't give a f*ck! *flips off the audience*
  • Dr. Phil: Please take a seat, son.
  • Gamer: *sits very disrespectfully*
  • Mother: *starts bawling*
  • Dr. Phil: Son, do you think that was acceptable behavior?
  • Gamer: The only behavior I care about is the behavioral patterns for enemies in the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. series. I love video games: Master chief, Mario, uhm, Blinx the Cat... Blasto. Love those guys!
  • Audience: *boos*
  • Gamer: I don't care! You think I care! F*ck all y'all!
  • Dr. Phil: All these people are booing you, doesn't that make you feel bad?
  • Gamer: Are you deaf? Have I not articulated the fact that I absolutely 100% do not care about anything except for video games? I. DON'T. GIVE. A. F*CK.
  • Mother: He's always like this, there's no changing him. It didn't used to be this way... just *starts bawling harder*
  • Dr. Phil: I think there is a way to change him, and we'll find out more about that after these messages.
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays*
  • *The lights dim and every goes empty eyed and slack-jawed*
  • Gamer: Heh, this is weird. *nudges mom and whispers to her* Hey, we're getting paid for this, right. Hey, mom? ...Mom?
  • Mother: *completely unresponsive*
  • Dr. Phil: *completely unresponsive*
  • Audience: *completely unresponsive*
  • Gamer: Heh... this is REALLY weird. *looks around nervously*
  • Audience member: Hey!
  • Gamer: Huh?
  • Audience Member: I'm in the audience! Over here! My arms are strapped to the chair! You have to help me!
  • Gamer: *runs to the audience member*
  • Audience Member: Thank god, I thought I was the only one here left with any brains.
  • Gamer: *hastily undoing the straps* What the fuck is going on?
  • Audience Member: I don't know, but this definitely isn't Dr. Phil's show.
  • Gamer: Then what is it?
  • Audience Member: No clue, but we have to get out of here before the commercial breaks ends.
  • Gamer: *successfully undoes the straps*
  • Audience Member: C'mon! Let's go. *grabs the gamer by the arm*
  • Gamer: *resists* Wait a fucking minute. Why am I supposed to trust you?
  • Audience Member: Because I'm normal and everyone else is braindead if you haven't noticed.
  • Gamer: Yeah, but I'm not going anywhere until I know what's going on. Being on Dr. Phil is a huge opportunity for me to, y'know, advertise my brand. I'm a gamer if you haven't noticed.
  • Audience Member: Are you insane? Have you had a look around you? Does this anything happening right now seem normal to you? Who cares about your "brand". Do you even remember how you got here?
  • Gamer: Well... now that you mention, I can't really remember exactly.
  • Audience Member: Yeah, now let's get the fuck out of here.
  • *the gamer and audience member run through the back exit into the hallways*
  • *the Dr. Phil theme blares as the show returns from commercial break*
  • Gamer: My ears!
  • Audience Member: Move it! *jerks gamer's arm*
  • Gamer: Okay, calm down.
  • *the entire audience screams in unison*
  • Gamer: What the fuck is that!?
  • Audience Member: It's the reason we're running! Quick, in here!
  • *the duo duck into a cramped broom closest*
  • Gamer: Listen, you have to tell me what the fuck is going on right now!
  • Audience Member: Shh.
  • Gamer: Don't shush me!
  • Audience Member: *covers the gamer's mouth*
  • *agonized screaming and violently rumbling passes by the broom closest*
  • Gamer: Holy shit!
  • Audience Member: Stop yelling.
  • Gamer: How can I not yell when it sounds the gates of hell just passed by us!
  • Audience Member: You want it to turn back around and find us?
  • Gamer: Alright. I'll calm down... I'll. *start sobbing*
  • Audience Member: Please, please stop crying. You're too loud.
  • Gamer: I can't! I'm under a lot of stress!
  • Audience Member: You'll be dead if you don't shut the fuck.
  • Gamer: I never wanted any of this, I just wanted to go on Dr. Phil so people would recognize me on YouTube and I could become a popular Let's Player!
  • Audience Member: If you don't shut up right now, I'll-
  • *a snake bites the audience member's neck*
  • Audience Member: *eyes roll up*
  • Gamer: *screams like a baby*
  • *snakes slither under the closet door*
  • Gamer: *stumbles out of the closet and falls into hallway covered with snakes* Fuck me! Fuck me!
  • Gamer: *attempts to run away but falls beneath the snakes and into and empty void*
  • *agonized screaming echoes from all around*
  • Gamer: Am I in hell? I have to be in hell. You don't fall through a pool of snakes and wind up anywhere else but hell.
  • Dr. Phil: THERE IS NO HELL.
  • Gamer: Doc, is that you? If this isn't hell then where am I?
  • Dr. Phil: YOU'RE IN MY REALM SON. *Dr. Phil's face appears glowing in the distance, his eyes are empty sockets and his mouth hangs open*
  • Gamer: What the fuck are you?
  • Dr. Phil: I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • Gamer: You're not Dr. Phil!
  • Dr. Phil: I NEVER SAID I WAS, SON. *a wall of gray human bodies lights up surrounding Dr. Phil's massive head, dr. phil's giant snake body slithers towards the gamer and opens its third eye* I'M DOCTOR PHILIP.
  • *the wall of bodies screams in unison as Dr. Phil devours the gamer*
  • *Dr. Phil theme plays loudly*
  • Dr. Phil: THE NEXT EPISODE IS STARTING. I'M LATE. *slithers into the wall of bodies and his snake body slowly transforms into a normal Dr. Phil's body*
  • Dr. Phil: *crawls onto the stage*
  • Dr. Phil: *dusts himself off* Woo, I went on quite an adventure.
  • Audience: *laughs*
  • Dr. Phil: I'm glad we can all find some time in our lives to laugh, but today's episode is covering something that is most certainly not a laughing matter. It's one of the most serious addictions striking America today and it's rarely talked about. I'm talking about people who love to pee on their mattresses and then pay people exorbitant amounts of money to suck their disgusting mattresses clean.
  • Audience: ... *someone clears their throat*
  • Dr. Phil: What's the matter?
  • Cameraguy: Spsss, Doc. That's not what the episode is about. It's about people with terrible gambling issues.
  • Dr. Phil: Oh, ah, fuck! Cut to commercial!
"The Types Based on my Experience" - an ENFP

INTJ
- Has too many extra curricular
- Low- key brags about achievements
- Will and won’t hesitate to roast someone.
- They type of person to read during lunch
- Books.
- Just a little bit clingy, but in the best way
- “Let me sleep— I only slept an hour last night.”


INTP
- Talks to them-self sometimes
- Likes to make random google searchers
- Master at BSing
- Why do they know so much about obscure concepts and theories?
- My random facts buddy
- “Have you heard of cerebropathy?”

ENTJ
- Tries to control me (for the greater good I guess)
- Great at logic puzzles
- If there was an apocalypse— I would want to paired with them.
- Seems like they got their life together
- A bit of a neat freak
- Will not deal with your shit, but will still help you?
- “I need more coffee to deal with all of you people.”

ENTP
-FITE ME
- Is super intimidating at first glance
- Secretly a softy
- will not hesitate to start a debate
- loves politics
- If you tell them a fact they ask where you got it
- Likes to read Edgar Allen Poe and romance novels
- “ Are you sure? Where did you read that?”

INFJ
- Nice friend
- Poker face
- Everyone thinks that they have chill
- has no chill
- Loves cats and babies
- Great listener
- Has too many feelings and bottles them up
- “OMG!!! I LOVE MUGS!!! I LOVE PURPLE!!!! LOOK AT THIS ITS A PURPLE MUG!!!!”

INFP
- Easily flustered
- Will hate you and you will never know
- Once you know them— they’ll argue with you about their opinions.
- Anime nerd
- Wears over-sized glasses
- Gestures a lot when talking
- Roasts me about everything
- Has an unhealthy obsession for cats
- Self deprecation 101
- “ I don’t know what your tal- *gestures and hits someone with arm*- OMG!!! I am so sorry.”

ENFJ
- Identity crisis all day everyday
- Likes to do power poses
- Will do random acts of kindness
- Knits
- Soft
- Really imaginative
- Will do stupid stuff to make a sad friend happy again
- You can’t not like them
- “A toast to spongebob and Bob Marley.”

ENFP (not me— another ENFP)
- Loves to art
- Procrastinates kinda(?). It just takes them a long time to do their work
- Is very smol
- Low-key manipulative
- Great at fake accents
- Has the voice of an angel
- Awesome dancer
- “ Oh look, it’s a birb. *makes chicken noises*”

ISTJ
- Is in all my advanced classes
- Gets annoyed with me really easily
- Likes to bake
- Has ten sources to back up one fact
- Will binge watch Crash Course
- Secretly loves bird memes
- Determined
- “Baking is a science. It isn’t just measuring and mixing— it’s watching the chemical re- *rants about for ten minutes*”

ISFJ
- Literally a cinnamon roll
- Are too caring
- Seriously they are going to get hurt one day
- Mom friend
- When they get mad everyone freaks out
- Will fight you if you hurt their loved one
- “Are you okay? Do you need a band- aid? I have a first aid kit in my backpack.”


ESTJ
- Law and order
- Is practically the teacher
- Strong moral base
- Does not tolerate lying
- Can see your soul
- Loves dark chocolate and hot chocolate
- Eats the same thing for lunch everyday
- Will lay down the law
- “I just told them to kindly leave me alone because their fake personalities were annoying me.”

ESFJ
- Will appear out of no-where
- Social Butterfly
- EVERYONE knows them
- Loves to sing, but is sadly tone deaf
- Can do really intricate pranks and succeed
- Teachers pet, but not nerdy in any way
- “Hi! My name’s ESTJ. What’s your weight— I mean, name?”

ISTP
- Loves workshop
- Is great at video games
- Everyone thinks they listen to punk rock, but they actually listen to Country music
- Can be bossy
- Likes to wear flannel
- Is really chill
- “I had one job, to finish my homework. Did I do it? Nope.”

ISFP
- Can’t art
- Can write like there is not tomorrow
- Can also play piano really well, but they never took lessons
- Have eyes filled with wonder
- Great at makeup
- Has good fashion sense
- Thinks shoes are a social construct.
- They have a bucket list written
- Has great stories
- “I once went to an upscale hotel and hijacked the penthouse level with my friends.”

ESTP
- Loves to play pranks and do stupid stuff
- Is flexible af
- Laughs weirdly
- Has the best ideas
- Smart, but really lazy
- p r o c r a s t i n a t i o n
- “Move I’m gay.”

ESFP
- Acts like they had five cups of coffee
- Really likes unicorns
- Is a theatre kid
- Wait for it…. they never stop quoting Hamilton
- Great at lying
- Really, really funny
- Loves everything smol
- Everyone loves them
- “Bill Nye the science guy– history has its eyeesss ON YOOOOUUUUUU.”

WHAT TURNS YOU ON?🥀🕊

* Mars in the 1st/Mars in Aries: (men) you like submissive women and or men and someone whom you can dominate and conquer. The quickest way to arouse these males is by power plays. They like the idea of being challenged and sassed and “fought” so to speak they want to duke it out before they win the fight and an easy won fight can turn them off. So they tend to be drawn to the idea of earned submission from their partners. (Women) can be drawn to dominate and passionate men and like the idea of being conquered and tamed(seeing as how these women tend to be a force of nature) and usually they like the idea of “forced submission"The hair is a hotspot and hair pulling can be a common occurrence sexually here. Rough sex is a commonality and most people link mars in Scorpio to animalistic sex and I would say that’s more Aries mars natives.

* Mars in the 2nd/mars in Taurus(men) ideally these men love flesh they love the sensation of skin on skin and love and even romanticize the tender aspect of love making. They are usually aroused by their senses and tend to be easily aroused by “massages” and “rubbing” so to speak. You feel up on them in the right way(sensually) and you’ll have them going. Both guys and gals here tend to love a lot of touch in sex and need it to stay aroused. Women here are no different from the male counter parts and usually enjoy sensual stimulation and slow lovemaking. Both tend to hate being rushed no matter what house mars is resting in.

* Mars in the 3rd/mars in Gemini: “talk to me dirty” these males and females tend to be aroused by “communication” and anything they can visually and audio-bly witness. The enjoy sexting/nudes and sexual talk over the phone and in person. They have to be mentally aroused before they’re physically aroused and usually those two come in a pair so when trying to arouse these folks wordplay is keen sexual conduct! They tend to love communication during sex and like to hear all of the sounds you make as it make the act that much more intimate for them as mars here will tend to see communication as a form of intimacy.

* Mars in the 4th/mars in cancer: guys and gals here are all about vibes and tend to be aroused by emotional displays and emotional release and expression/connection. If any of these things are missing it can be super hard to turn these guys on especially since sex is super emotional for them and not something they can easily disengage from. So the best way to get them going is really to cater to their feelings. Not to say they can’t have casual flings but in all honesty it’s super rare that they do unless mars is afflicted as sex is a big matter for them. That being said breast and femininity turn them on(gay or otherwise) and touching as well as surrender arouse these individuals as it shows trust and intimacy.

* Mars in the 5th/mars in Leo: Mirrors-mirrors-Mirrors. They love to be worshiped and tend to be turned on by video recording their sexual endeavors! They like the idea of an audience mostly imaginary though. They are also towards the more dominate and “on top” role of things and males and women with this position are turned on when they have their back or the person their sleeping with has their back to them. Any position where they can be on their back and vice versa is appealing to them.The way to arouse men and women here is via worship and praise.(you know those bodybuilders that get off on muscle worship?) that’s I’d describe these guys. They lose their minds at praise and tend to be very lustful to the idea of being idealized and adored by their partner. Although the underdeveloped ones may be sexually selfish most tend to give out just as much praise to their partners when love making! But yeah attention is a turn on for them.

* Mars in the 6th/mars in Virgo: now I always hear about how cleanliness is a turn on for these folks and “oh my god the way you clean that counter makes me hard!” But I’ll be honest most I’ve known are very keenly attracted to “dominance” males tend to be sexually interested in being controlled or dominated or being the one enforcing the domination. Women can be drawn to more submissive and power surrendering roles as well. Masochist. Men can be easily aroused by “the first time” and innocence and the in experienced men/women. Women tend to like more domineering or forward male/female partners. CLEAN SEX is important to them and don’t even think they’ll take their clothes of if your hygiene is wild.

* Mars in the 7th: okay I’m doing this separately mainly because in my opinion people who have their mars in the 7th are way way different from mars in libra guys and gals. But for starters these guys and girls tend to be aroused by “passion” and “disputes” they actually act like Aries mars sexually and tend to find aggressive energy very sexually inviting. They usually are aroused by the idea of mutual arousal and mutual satisfaction similarly to mars in libra but in a more passionate way. Sex for them is a competition with their partner and or love interest and usually argumentative and willful sex is the name of the game. A battle of the wills so to speak. Women here can be turned on by a good debate and or argument. While men here can be turned on by disagreements and or confrontation. Sex here like libra is about mutual satisfaction.

* Mars in libra: these men and women are more on the passive side and may have a passive arousal pattern. Men here tend to be ambiguous in terms of what turns them on and can have varying triggers mainly based on the sign their venus is in which plays the role of their unconscious desire. For example a guys with his mars in libra and Venus in Scorpio may be turned on by genitalia and seduction via mystery and intensity. While a guys with mars in libra and Venus in Aquarius might be turned on by spontaneous sex or something on the border of kinky. Women here tend to be aroused by charm. They aren’t really aggressive or particularly into overly forward moves but once again as with the males Venus plays a big role here. But for the most part women like a bit of a more assertive taste sexually but not anything to cut and dry. Sex here is about mutual satisfaction in a peaceful and pleasure filled manner.

* Mars in the 8th/mars in Scorpio:(women) I’ve noticed women here aren’t aroused the same way men are. They tend to be more private and quiet about their pleasure and can be more into atmospheric means of arousal. These women are all about the scenery and the vibe. They are mainly aroused by the “situation” then the actual person. So as much as they like mr tall dark and mysterious they love the idea of the dimly lit room..the jewelry rubbing against their skin..the velvet sheets and so on. It’s all about textures for them. (Men) from what I’ve noticed are very much so turned on my the “moment” they LIVE for that one “moment” and the lead up to it. They can be very easily aroused by touch and perceived stimulation and or anticipation of a moment turning into something more. So if you intrigue them enough and give them the idea that something otherworldly(and or sexual) could occur via glances and movements and a small shake and jive here and there you’ve got them. Sex here is about control and how many ways you and them can lose said control.

* Mars in the 9th/mars in Sagittarius:👀"how many different ways can we experiment?“ These guys are super into the idea of trying new things and how many ways they can turn a mundane sexual escapade into an expansive sexual train so to speak 😭. (Guys) here are super turned on by excitement and a good time. Anything lighthearted and passionate is a turn o for them. Both guys and gals here are turned on by laughter and simplicity. There’s an edgy quality here that they are drawn to and that usually is intensity. Despite how lighthearted they may be they have a streak for being turned on by a lack of inhibition. (Women) here are turned on by passion and lust they like the idea of a uncontrollable sexual encounter that leads to a new awakening of sorts. The fast way to arouse these natives is “intrigue” like their opposite gemini they like the concept of being surprised and or having their curiosity peaked. So if you peak their interest in some way and overwhelm them with a passionate encounter and throw in some laughs here and there. Boom.

* Mars in the 10th/mars in Capricorn: “control me before I control you” these guys and gals are so military when it comes to sex like no lie. (Women/men) here can be into BDSM and anything where control is focal in the act. They tend to be aroused by moments and or situations where they can’t control themselves. Or situations where they might be restricted in some way from allowing themselves full sexual outlet. Men can be very aggressive and intense sexually and run on the colder side. Men here can be aroused by physical touch and physical intimacy while women can be turned on by dominance and touch as well. These guys are more vanilla sexually and into more traditional roles be it gay or heterosexual. (Mind you all earth placements have stamina but I’d say these guys take the cake)

* Mars in the 11th/mars in Aquarius:“mr and Mrs I’m not really here” these guys are kinda icy sexually and tend to have very fluctuating sexual moods. That border on hay lets go to hey let’s not. These guys are mentally sexual and can be turned on by the idea or concept of a sexual ideal. That being said they are very easily aroused and can be aroused by litturly anything. But that being said mentally they are turned on by communication and “mental visualization”(men) here can be cold and aloof in bed and seem hard to reach during the act but they are there trust me in fact sex is usually very deep for mars in Aquarius females and males they just process the act differently. (Females) can be emotionally gone or “blank” durning sex and can easily be somewhere else while it’s going on and seemingly in another moment of time. Both are usually turned on by the idea of sex itself but can vary on their emotional state and wherever Uranus is placed on how and when they would be aroused. These guys and gals run hot and cold and can sometimes be an entirely different person after the act is over as what they wanted in that moment sexually might be completely different and or non existent the next.

* Mars in the 12th/mars in Pisces: these guys and gals are mr and Mrs versatile. They are super fluid and a basic combination of all the variously mentioned mars positions since they are the last house and sign. That being said males and females here don’t have a specific gender archetype and I won’t be differencing between males and females for this one. They can be aroused by anything I’ve mentioned above and tend to actually need a strong emotional component and connection to their arousal as well. Sexually they can be very elusive and vague and may be so ethereal and fluid you won’t even come back from the sexual experience the same. They are extremely seductive and cloudy. So at times I call this the sexual fluid hot spot since many of the people I know with this sleep with guys and gals and guys and gals who seem to lose their own boundaries of sexuality when in contact with these people. That being said they can be either motionless and quiet in bed or very entrancing and moldable in bed like water there is litturly no in between. They get off on servicing the same way mars in Virgo does but via sacrifice. They actually fantasize about “losing themselves”


- Alright that being said this post isn’t meant to be taken to seriously and most of it is based on experience and stories from friends! None of what I said is set in stone nor is it something like a dis or shot at anyone’s mars sign or house placement. I really love all of you and I hope this post of anything gives you a laugh or maybe a little relatable aha :) but yeah bless 🎲🎲🎲

AMERICAN GODS SENTENCE STARTERS

episode one - the bone orchard. ( contains violence and nsfw themes )

  • ❝ no expertise can surmount a sea that does not wish you to reach shore. ❞
  • ❝ wind can be reasoned with. ❞
  • ❝ celebration was cut short. ❞
  • ❝ only good thing about being in prison is the relief. ❞
  • ❝ tomorrow can’t do anything today hasn’t already managed. ❞
  • ❝ this country went to hell when they stopped hanging folks. ❞
  • ❝ no gallows dirt, no gallows deals. ❞
  • ❝ you know, i’m not superstitious. ❞
  • ❝ i don’t believe in anything i can’t see. ❞
  • ❝ i feel like there’s a fuckin’ axe hanging over my head. i can’t see it, but i believe it. ❞
  • ❝ i can see it fine. ❞
  • ❝ prison has a way of trying to keep you in prison. ❞
  • ❝ i smell snow. ❞
  • ❝ i love you. something feels weird. ❞
  • ❝ i love you too. what feels weird? ❞
  • ❝ the air feels constipated, like if it’d just push out a storm, it’d be okay. ❞
  • ❝ a hundred twenty hours till you’re home. ❞
  • ❝ waiting for the sky to fall is gonna cause more bother than the sky actually falling. which it isn’t. ❞
  • ❝ do not piss off those bitches in airports. ❞
  • ❝ i guess this must be your lucky day, huh ?
  • ❝ you nervous ?
  • ❝ just sit back and be a bird. ❞
  • ❝ i offer you the worm from my beak and you look at me like i fucked your mom
  • ❝ you’re just the first person i’ve met who isn’t an asshole. ❞
  • ❝ give me time. ❞
  • ❝ what would you have done, my boy
  • ❝ seems like a firm decision made for good reasons, i can respect that. ❞
  • ❝ you lost something vital in there, and not just time. ❞
  • ❝ what might i call you, if i were so inclined
  • ❝ always good to meet a fellow traveler. ❞
  • ❝ i usually end up getting what i want. on average, over time. ❞
  • ❝ it’s all about getting people to believe in you. it’s not their cash, it’s their faith. ❞
  • ❝ now, what’s keeping us aloft ? faith ? or newton ?
  • ❝ don’t rush into this, take your time. ❞
  • ❝ there’s always work for a big guy who’s smart enough to know he’s better off letting people think he’s dumb. ❞
  • ❝ by the end of your tenure, you could be the next king of america. ❞
  • ❝ a man gets out of prison, he should be focused above all on not going back. ❞
  • ❝ believe. ❞
  • ❝ i don’t think i have the talent for it. ❞
  • ❝ you … like me
  • ❝ i’m not what i once was. ❞
  • ❝ you’re perfect. ❞
  • ❝ i don’t know what i’m doing. ❞
  • ❝ what man does ?
  • ❝ do something for me. worship me. ❞
  • ❝ worship me. pray to me like i’m your god. your goddess. ❞
  • ❝ you feel so good. i could keep fucking you forever. ❞
  • ❝ say my name. ❞
  • ❝ beloved, i worship your breasts and your eyes and your cunt. and i worship your thighs and your eyes and your cherry red lips. ❞
  • ❝ i am yours, my beloved. ❞
  • ❝ go on, let go ! give me everything !
  • ❝ i love you. ❞
  • ❝ not that rushing into things can’t be a good thing … ❞
  • ❝ sex rushed into tends to work out best for all involved. ❞
  • ❝ okay, i’ve said ‘fuck off’ politely as many ways as i’m gonna. now i’m fixing to be direct. ❞
  • ❝ what the fuck do you know about [ ] ?
  • ❝ more than you, it seems. ❞
  • ❝ i’m not gonna work for anyone who’s got worse luck than me. ❞
  • ❝ call it. ❞
  • ❝ rigged games are the easiest to beat. ❞
  • ❝ you’re a little creepy, and you’re forward, and familiar, and i don’t like it. i don’t like you. ❞
  • ❝ who’re you ?
  • ❝ i’m a leprechaun. ❞
  • ❝ we don’t come from moscow, russia. or moscow, idaho, for that matter. ❞
  • ❝ no details. ❞
  • ❝ devil’s in the details. ❞
  • ❝ do you know who he is ? who he really is
  • ❝ he’s hustling you. he’s a hustler. ❞
  • ❝ damn right. i’m a hustler, swindler, cheater, and liar. it’s why i need assistance. ❞
  • ❝ name your price. ❞
  • ❝ how’d you do it ?
  • ❝ with panache. ❞
  • ❝ simplest trick in the world. ❞
  • ❝ i’ll fight you for it. ❞
  • ❝ win or lose, and you will lose, it’s yours if you fight me. ❞
  • ❝ can you feel the joy rising in your veins like the sap in the springtime ?
  • ❝ i wanted to be a part of your history. ❞
  • ❝ it’s just anger ––– makes you feel like you can change the outcome. ❞
  • [] had the nerve to ask me what i wanted him to do with it. i told him leave it where it found it. ❞
  • ❝ target would be more interesting than here. ❞
  • ❝ if there isn’t some kinda life after death, i’m gonna be so fuckin’ pissed. ❞
  • ❝ there is no closure from the dead. ❞
  • ❝ i’m sorry for your loss, [] , i really am. anyone tell you that yet ? anyone even hug you ?
  • ❝ hear me out, this is a good one. lex talionis. an eye for an eye. a blowjob for a blowjob. ❞
  • ❝ jesus, who knew i could be so angry ?! 
  • ❝ i am trying to get my dignity back here
  • ❝ don’t fuck with me, [
  • ❝ what’s he doing here ? what’s the plan ? what’s the game plan, man ? ❞
  • ❝ how auspicious, you must be special. ❞
  • [ ] is history. forgotten and … old. ❞
  • ❝ we have reprogrammed reality. language is a virus. religion, an operating system, and prayers are just so much fucking spam. ❞
  • ❝ the dominant fucking paradigm, [] , that is the only important thing. ❞
  • ❝ by the way, i was sorry to hear about your wife/husband. tough break. ❞
  • ❝ so, i will ask again: what is it [ ] is up to ? ❞
  • ❝ you saying you don’t know ? … would you tell me even if you did ?

I don’t even know. I was taking a walk today and this idea popped into my head. I swear I’m still writing the bookstore AU, too. Also, *pops confetti*, I hit 2k followers today! Who ARE all you guys? Anyway, this fluff/ridiculousness is for you. ~1.6k words, rated G. Sterek, of course.

now also on AO3

The whole thing starts with Stiles really, really craving a meatball sub from the place across the street.

“God, someone shut him up,” Erica groans. They’re all kind of at their breaking point by now; they’ve been camped out in this meeting room all day, brainstorming. “He’s been talking about the same goddamn sandwich for seven and a half minutes now, and it’s making me hungry.”

“If only our ad campaign were about sandwiches, Stilinski would have it in the bag and we could all go home,” Isaac sighs.

From across the table, Derek rises abruptly to his feet and storms out. (Or maybe it’s just that Stiles always interprets everything Derek does as stormy. With those eyebrows, it’s hard not to.)

Stiles assumes he’s just gotten so fed up with them all that it’s either storm out or kill someone, and he’s just grateful Derek chose Door Number 1. It’s a good day not to get killed by Derek Hale.

Only, fifteen minutes later he comes back in. With a paper bag from the deli.

As soon as he gets within grabbing distance, Stiles practically collapses across the table in his haste to reach for it. “Oh my god, is that what I think it is?”

Derek holds it up over his head. “Who says this is for you? Maybe all your talk inspired me to go get a meatball sub of my own.”

“Oh, please. Like anyone with your abs eats meatball subs.” Stiles leaps to his feet on his swivel chair—because screw safety, Derek will catch him if he starts to topple over—and snatches the bag out of Derek’s grip. Derek doesn’t fight him for it very hard.

“Why don’t I get a meatball sub?” Erica whines, thumping her head down on her notebook. “Doesn’t anyone love me?”

Derek shrugs and takes his seat again. “You didn’t ask.”

“You just like Stilinski better,” she grumbles, and Derek just shrugs again.

Meanwhile, Stiles rips into the bag and takes a huge bite out of the gloriousness that is this sandwich. He can’t help throwing in a few theatrical moans just to taunt Erica, and she suitably rewards him with a glare of death across the table.

“Mmm,” Stiles says. “Derek, I love you so much, dude. Marry me.”

Instead of the grumpy eyebrows he expects, Derek meets his eye, leans back smugly in his chair, and says, “Okay.”

Keep reading

Writing Characters that Slowly Descend Into Madness

Okay y'all this is one of my absolute favorite tropes / character arcs / whatever you want to call it. I’ve written at least two characters that end up twisted and deranged… While it’s fun to do, it can be a little difficult to nail down, so I thought I’d share some tips! 

From Avatar the Last Airbender’s Azula to Gollum, characters often think that they can handle the Ultimate Power™ when they really can’t. These corrupted characters and their character arcs can be tricky to write, so here’s some pointers! 

  • The character to be corrupted should have a one track mind. Your character needs to have a goal in mind, one that (at least in their eyes) requires the Ultimate Power™. This goal can be as simple as world domination, or as complex as “I need to get revenge on this specific person in this specific manner, or else I won’t be satisfied.” It’s up to you, but you need to make sure that your character’s every action revolves around this central goal.
    Or, if your character has two motivations, like reconciling themselves to their family while simultaneously saving the world, make sure they can only do one of them! This will cause lots of conflict and it will be great..
  • Get used to writing internal conflict. In one of my novels, the main character has the power to clean the world’s water supplies, but her friends disapprove for…complicated reasons. She has something of a mental breakdown, wondering if she should be doing what she is. Internal conflict is a great way to show your character being pulled in two different directions; after all, tearing our characters apart is the name of the game. 
  • Make sure your character thinks that they are using their Ultimate Power for good. Even if they’re not. Especially if they’re not. When you can follow a villain’s logic and understand why they are doing the horrific things they are, they become that much creepier.
  • The Ultimate Power must be so attractive that your character can’t help but use it. The only way your character can be corrupted by power is if they use this power. Therefore, they must use it often. Whether this be a superpower, power that comes from the crown on their head, or dark magic, make sure your reader gets plentiful helpings of seeing the character use it.
  • Don’t be afraid to take it slow. Characters descend into madness, they don’t plummet into it. Let your character spiral slowly downwards, let them saunter casually into their twisted ways of thinking.
  • If they can’t be redeemed, they should probably die. Characters that have gone power mad really only have two options: redemption or death. Sometimes your character can pull out of their downward spiral and recognize their mistakes. This may lead to them siding with the very people they had been against, like Magneto teaming up with Prof X to fight a Bigger Baddie. Or they could just admit their mistakes and go on their way, like Mystique occasionally does.
    But if you can’t find a way to redeem your character (or don’t want to), then you should probably consider killing them off. Characters mad with Ultimate Power™ are usually unsustainable, and will usually self destruct at some point.

A character who descends into their madness and power-craziness and has a descent that is really well written can be super engaging. They are, at least, my personal favorite to write and read about. Have fun, and happy writing!

If there’s a writing thing you want to see me post about or you just wanna say hi, go ahead! I’d love to hear from you.

A Definitely Incomplete List Of My Favorite Moments From The Lightning Thief (book), because I'm having Feelings
  • Percy very causally mentioning times he accidentally hit a school bus with a canon or dropped fifth graders into shark-infested water
  • Grover Underwood
  • Just everything he’s ever done
  • Percy running an illegal candy ring out of his dorm room 
  • “I was worried they found out I got my essay on Tom Sawyer from the internet and were going to take away my grade. Or worse, they were going to make me read the book.”
  • When Percy thought Grover was going to give him some deep, meaningful commentary on life to make him feel better but Grover just wanted Percy’s lunch
  • Percy tried so hard to do well on his Latin final and Chiron somehow thinks it’s a good idea to tell him he’s ‘not normal’ in front of the class my poor boy
  • That one part where Percy essentially went “Oh hey mom’s home!!! Better reschedule this panic attack I was having!!” 
  • When Percy did that weird hand sign (that was never explained) and the door slammed on Gabe so hard he flew up the steps
  • The fact that when Grover finally tracked Percy down he wasn’t wearing any pants. Like, there was literally no reason for him to not have the fake feet and the jeans on. No actual reason for him to be free balling it. Percy just needed a shock apparently. Showing up in the middle of a hurricane with no pants, dramatic ass satyr I love him. 
  • The SATISFYING DEATH of Gabe’s Camaro + Sally apparently learned bullfighting just in case because she truly is the best mom
  • Percy killing the minotaur with its own horn
  • Percy dragging Grover over the camp line while crying for his mom literally end me
  • You drool when you sleep.” could we get more iconic here
  • Percy teasing Annabeth about her crush on Luke
  • When Luke stole some toiletries for Percy and he got a little choked up because it was apparently the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him
  • The fact that Chiron basically told Annabeth that Percy was her destiny
  • The fact that a recovering alcoholic god of wine who hates children was deemed fit to run a camp for children
  • Not so fun: Percy, upon meeting Mr. D, immediately recognizing the signs of an alcoholic and going out of his way to sit far away from him ‘just in case’
  • The fact that everyone just expected him to hear ‘the greek gods are real’ and move on?? why would no one let this boy be in shock omg
  • Zeus apparently had a thing for the fluffy 80′s hairstyles
  • “the real world is where the monsters are” 
  • The fact that Poseidon could have claimed Percy at literally any moment but he apparently decided he really needed that dramatic reveal during capture the flag.
  • When Zeus was feeling Extra Dramatic™ after Percy’s claiming so he started making it rain inside the camp boarders and everyone was lowkey freaking out
  • When Annabeth pulls off her invisible cap and declares she’s going on the quest with him and Percy was like, beyond unsurprised that she was there and didn’t even attempt to fight her 
  • Chiron forgot to give Percy a sword from his father for like, an entire month. 
  • Grover with those freaking flying shoes oh my God
  • Annabeth blushing literally any time Luke talks to her 
  • IN THIS HOUSE WE LOVE AND RESPECT ARGUS, HEAD OF CAMP SECURITY
  • lmao when Percy and Annabeth start bickering about something and Argus just winks at Percy because he knows
  • When they were playing hackey sack with an apple but it got too close to Grover’s mouth and he just ate the whole thing
  • The entire bus scene oh my God
  • “I was about to become the ADHD Poster Child of the Year” as he’s CRASHING A BUS
  • Annabeth on a fury’s back 
  • the explosion. just. all gr8. 
  • When Grover tries to play a path finder song and Percy just immediately slams into a tree. Also the fact that the path finder song was actually just a Hillary Duff number. 
  • “You two are giving me a migraine, and satyr’s don’t even get migraines!” 
  • Percy actually, truly trying to sell the story that the three of them are circus orphans who got separated from their ringleader 
  • Grover: hey guys this place is REALLY SHADY and we need to leave
  • Annabeth and Percy: but f o o d
  • Can you imagine walking into a store and finding your dead uncle’s body on display? Like????
  • When Medusa revealed herself and Annabeth’s running around invisible, Percy’s swinging a sword blindly and Grover’s flying around screaming and trying to whack her with a stick: everyone here is a MESS
  • When Annabeth was overly annoyed with Percy after that ordeal??? Sweetheart you fell for the trick too
  • Name something more iconic than 12 year old Percy Jackson mailing the decapitated head of Medusa to the gods on Mt. Olympus in an act of sheer pettiness. I dare you. 
  • When Percy was insisting on taking first watch while the others slept and Grover was basically like “hey kiddo listen to this” and played a song that immediately knocked him out so he could sleep all night 
  • “Percy. Say hello to the poodle.”
  • Percy seeing all the Greek creatures from the train window 
  • When Annabeth was dragging the boys to the St. Louis Arch and Percy’s claustrophobic ass Did Not Want To Get In That Tiny Elevator but he went anyway because he wanted Annabeth to be happy. That boy has had it bad since the start. 
  • “I am Echidna!”
  • “Isn’t…isn’t that a type of anteater?”
  • I HATE AUSTRALIA.” 
  • How many times has Percy actually been poisoned throughout all the series I literally want a count 
  • ‘Lemme just, uh….jump off the fucking St. Louis Arch and hope I don’t die when I hit the water.’
  • There is just something very aesthetic about Percy lighting a fire in the bottom of a river 
  • Percy’s got so much pent-up rage that he’s just immediately ready to wreck Ares upon meeting him omfg
  • THE THRILL RIDE O’ LOVE
  • Annabeth getting so worked up and flustered over going down there with Percy because it’s a love ride and Percy’s just like “you literally do not have to make this a Thing” lmao
  • Annabeth wouldn’t let Percy touch Aphrodite’s scarf because she didn’t want him getting infected by love magic but then…touched it herself lol
  • The entire sequence with the mechanical spiders and the cameras and the ride itself 
  • Percy’s plan to get off the ride!!!! He’s so smart okay can people stop calling him stupid!!! 
  • Grover trying to catch them both in mid-air but they‘re too heavy so the three of them just kind of slowly crash into one of those face-cut-out posters lol
  • Percy, turning to the camera’s broadcasting this shit on Olympus: “Show’s over! Thank You! Goodnight!” 
  • THE FUCKING ZOO BUS
  • Everything about that scene omg. The animals they had to help. Trying to convince Grover of how great he is. The baby percabeth. my h e a r t
  • “What if it does line up like the Trojan War? Athena versus Poseidon?”
  • “I don’t know what my mom will do. I just know I’ll be fighting next to you.”
  • “Why?”
  • “Because you’re my friend, Seaweed Brain, any more stupid questions?”
  • Do you hear that sound? That’s me, ages 13-21(+) sobbing uncontrollably oh my God I love them so much
  • ‘let’s just set a fucking lion loose in Las Vegas’ 
  • “I put a Blessing of the Wild on them, so they’ll safely find food and shelter wherever they go.”
  • “Why can’t you put on of those on us?”
  • “It only works on wild animals.”
  • “So it would only effect Percy…”
  • “HEY!” 
  • When they get to the Lotus hotel and Grover starts playing that game where the deer shoot the hunters azxjhnhdjx
  • Percy physically having to drag his friends out of there once he realized it was the lair of the lotus eaters
  • When Annabeth gave the taxi driver her lotus credit card and he started calling her “Your Highness” lmao
  • Every time in this book Percy comes close to uncovering a Dark Truth the people around him are just like “let’s not worry about that :) “ and my polite boy actually shuts up it’s so wild because I would just keep going lol
  • CRUSTY THE WATER BED SALESMAN 
  • Listen that entire scene has lowkey always been one of my Favs and I’m not even sure why but Percy chopping his head off was g r e a t
  • The entrance to the Underworld is DOA Recording Studios and I love it
  • “We, uh…all drowned in a bathtub.”
  • Poor Charon just wants his Italian suits he doesn’t need all this bullshit 
  • Grover almost getting dragged into Tartarus: not good. very bad. bad shit. 
  • Annabeth getting emotionally attached to Cerberus in the span of 3 minutes: RELATABLE 
  • ‘huh my backpack that I thought I got rid of five days ago is getting weirdly heavy, that’s not suspicious though, right?’ 
  • When Hades just starts monologue-ing about all the shit he has to put up with
  • “what kind of awful things do you have to do to get sewn into Hades underwear?” p e r c y
  • when Percy realizes the Master Bolt is in his backpack and he’s just like. tell me why. why. I’m a good person. what did I DO. 
  • When Percy has to sacrifice his mom to get Annabeth and Grover out of there I Cri Evey Tiem 
  • My cute lil’ baby yelling around on a beach to get Ares to show up 
  • ahdbsjznx when Grover gives Percy a crushed, half eaten tin can for good like and Percy is just like “Grover…I don’t know what to say.” I LOVE HIM
  • My sweet son kicking the god of war’s ass. bless. blessed on this day. 
  • The news crews who suddenly started backtracking and writing Percy as a hero 
  • Percy, choking back tears, giving Gabe’s store’s phone number out on national television and promising everyone free appliances IM STILL CACKLING I LOVE THIS BOY SO MUCH HE’S ICONIC 
  • Hades actually releasing Sally because he’s Not As Big Of A Dick As He Could Have Been 
  • Percy: hey I think there’s a really good chance that Kronos was behind this whole mess-
  • Zeus and Poseidon: XXX KRONOS DO NOT INTERACT XXX
  • Poseidon rolling his eyes at literally everything Zeus says and does
  • Poseidon and Percy’s whole talk omg my sweet boy just wants his dad to love him and Poseidon’s trying to figure out how to show affection when he basically signed this kid’s death sentence I’m crying 
  • A man will never satisfy me as much or in the same way as Sally Jackson murdering Gabe Ugliano did 
  • Percy was spending months of summer stressing over who the friend that’s supposed to betray him was but like…Sweetie you had exactly three (3) friends and you knew two of them weren’t gonna hurt you
  • ahbdjsnx when Percy and Luke were having their conversation in the woods and like Luke’s acting shady af the whole time but it’s literally not until he litters that Percy is like “something…is Wrong.” this boy I s2g
  • Percy getting bit by a scorpion is Not A Favorite Moment but the nymphs helping him out was 
  • Percy making his Official Decision to go home for the school year only after Annabeth reveals that he actually did talk her into trying again with her family 
  • I didn’t mean to write out a summary of the whole damn book it’s six am listen I’m just feeling nostalgia for the original series in this chili’s tonight 
  • whoops

Jack Zimmermann was accustomed to dealing with difficult situations; he was captain of the Samwell Men’s Hockey team after all, but this? This was never in the job description.

“Can I tell you a secret?” Bitty whispered into the side of Jack’s neck, breath hot and sweet against his skin. The kegster ended a while ago but Bitty was still feeling the effects. When he fell off the coffee table attempting to dance to All the Single Ladies, Jack swept in ready to piggyback him to bed.

“Alright,” Jack said, mouthing I got this in Lardo’s direction before heading to the stairs.

“I don’t wanna be a single lady anymore,” His voice faltered and Jack became acutely aware of Bitty’s thighs around his hips. “I want a person. Everybody else has got a person.”

“With moves like that I don’t think you’ll have to wait long,” Jack said, supressing a chuckle.

“Mmhmm,” Bitty mumbled, fighting a losing war against sleep. Jack pushed open the door to Bitty’s room with his foot and ducked inside.

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So, the campaign I’m writing and DMing currently is a homebrew about five magic users (they’re multi-classed now, so it’s less weird) who are, essentially, an anomaly containment unit. They’re fantasy Ghostbusters, p much.

Now, the premise was written before Gravity Falls introduced Ford and that whole deal, but basically, there was a portal that was leaking magic and monsters from their high fantasy world into what is, essentially, our modern day world, and it was their job to round them up and stop it.

It’s a hacky premise for a book, but a super fun fucking game to write and watch unfold.

Okay, exposition over, here are some of my favourite things I’ve forced my friends to endure:

• Hunting “Bigfoot”, who was actually a Bugbear that escaped their dimension.
• Rescuing a dragonborn prince who was being held at Area 51 by agents who thought he was an alien/reptilian Illuminati leader.
• Encountering actual aliens who gave them the technology to maintain their human disguises in exchange for their help escaping the base. (AKA, everyone complained that I made them burn spell slots on it.)
• Fighting a necromancer who ran a tourist trap that featured a petting zoo with “real life jackalopes and Fiji mermaids” made from reanimated roadkill, plus a nasty, horrible, rotting roadkill monster bossfight.
• Rescuing a tiefling who was being tortured by a deep south priest/cult leader who put her on display in an underground, evangelical sideshow. (Heavily inspired by Hellboy and the Angelville stuff in Preacher? Uhhhhhh, yes. Don’t call me out.) The Jersey Devil is actually just her wife, by the way.
• The Squonk is their companion now and they love him. No fantasy stuff. Just the actual, lumberjack lore ass Squonk, who is real and their friend and cried enough to help them put out literal hellfire.
• Zombie fight in the Monroeville Mall because I couldn’t resist.
• Confederate liches responsible for the “ghost sightings” at Gettysburg.
• Literally too much dumb shit to list. I am having so much fun trying to cram this bullshit into an actual, playable, rules-adhering D&D campaign, and I want to tell you more, but my players follow me.

So some folks in the chat are aware, that I am attempting to mod my sims game to allow for polyamory romances, because apparently after sims 2 someone at EA developed severe abandonment issues and made the “reputation addition” which means your sims will now fight over that one girl you held hands with back in college. (I wish I was kidding)

Anyway, most of the mods for it were broken, but I finally got one to work today after hours of tinkering with it, and I thought to myself great, I’ll do the Human AU trio from Hunger Pangs for a bit of a giggle, and it was fun cause it worked! They were all flirty and happy and all enthusing about each other to each other and it was super adorable. There was still the option of “confess to cheating” but I just ignored that, it wasn’t triggering autonomously so that was what I wanted.

And then Ursula gets a notification over her head which says “Try for A Baby” directed toward Vlad, and I’m like oh, okay neat that’s not canon but sure, I can totes build you guys a nursery in the basement for your weird demon spawn child, no problem. At which point I’m distracted by Nathan setting fire to the kitchen so have to jump down a level to manage that to keep everyone from dying, but while that is going on I hear the “baby jingle” meaning somebody got preggors from woohooing, so I flip back up to Vlad/Ursula to find she’s playing on the computer, but Vlad, where’s Vlad…oh he’s throwing up in the bathroom apparently, weird, he must have tried drinking from Ursula again (the vamps can’t drink from fairies in the supernatural exp but he keeps doing it and getting sick like wtf buddy come on, I know she’s pretty but keep it together) oh well…except he keeps throwing up. And his back hurts, and he’s emotional and crying and turns out the key phrasing up there is somebody got preggors.

Turns out this mod can allow anyone to get pregnant, but unfortunately the base game is not equipped for this and Vlad now no longer has a body. He’s just a floating pregnant head. Which, okay I can live with this, this is not how I had planned this but sure okay, what can possibly go wrong.

Of course Vlad is now doing the whole “goal: buy a crib” like oh joy my broody vampire is quite literally feeling broody and trying to nest, and while I can do some of the things he wants, like buying terrifying stuffed toys for the nursery and going to the spa because apparently his non existent back is killing him, he has other desires, like, read a “pregnancy book” so he’ll know what to expect but EA is/was (I’ve heard sims4 is better, alas I have 3) such a piece of gendered shit, (EDIT: the mod was causing this, not the base game) male sims literally cannot read books about being pregnant, but Ursula, the non pregnant one can. Meanwhile she’s really excited about becoming a mother without actually being pregnant, Vlad is torn between crying all the time and enthusing to her about their impending unholy vampiric/fairy offspring and Nathan is…Nathan is not doing too well…in fact he’s downright unhappy, and the first I notice it is when he storms up to a now very heavily pregnant Vlad, slaps him and accuses him of cheating, despite the fact that the mod I have installed makes it IMPOSSIBLE for him to do that autonomously and also they are supposed to have ZERO jealously issues because I literally disabled it as a function and YET, there he is being an utter dick to a my poor pregnant vampire who just started bawling his eyes out cause one of his two love interests just threatened to expose him as a vampire and is demanding to fight. Well Ursula is having none of it, she might have fallen for Nathan first but when she sees Vlad being picked on she straight up throws an elixir at Nathan which makes him fall asleep, but then Vlad is upset cause he still technically loves Nathan, and Ursula just attacked him, and now she’s trying to apologize and Vlad is in the bathtub doing the equivalent of NO ONE TOUCH ME, NO ONE EVEN LOOK AT ME, which breaks Ursula’s heart, so then she goes off to apologize to Nathan who has woken up, turned into a werewolf, and is shredding everything in the house.

Meanwhile I’ve got the in game mod screen up, desperately trying to check why this is happening, making sure I have the polyamorous jealousy set to the right function, and according to the mod it’s all working just peachy keen, so I hit reset, thinking I can just re-enable all of it and fix it. But what that does is it makes everyone INSTANTLY HATE EACH OTHER IRREVERSIBLY so now my house has a fairy and a werewolf who want to kill each other on sight, and a vampire who just went into labor but doesn’t want to go outside to go to the hospital because the sun is up and he’ll literally burn so he’s just hiding in the basement crying.

So basically my game went full mpreg trope catastrophe and I’m going back to Skyrim where mods only ever cause occasional bouts of surprise nudity and accidental bardic regicide. 

dating Bucky Barnes...
  • he’s definitely really hesitant around you at first because this is all so new to him and he doesn’t wanna fuck it up
  • he ends up pushing you away as a defence mechanism 
  • you’re not upset though, you understand and give him a little room
  • then one day it’s just you and him in the tower
  • so you decide to watch a movie (he let’s you pick)
  • so you go with Titanic because a) it’s a classic and b) he’d never seen it 
  • there’s subtle touches 
    • like his hand grazing yours in the popcorn bowl
    • or his side pressed against yours
    • he’ll definitely be paying more attention to you than the movie
  • that’s when he realises he’s in deep and you’re the only thing that matters to him 
  • he doesn’t even realise but he’s pulled you into his lap, crashing his lips onto yours

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NHL!Bitty, Part XII -  ‘A Stanley Cup Wedding’

The Schooners win game seven and dethrone the defending champion Falconers to claim Seattle’s first national title. 

Eric was definitely not expecting Jack to propose immediately after losing.

(A rework of the ‘Game 7 PVD vs SEA’ prompt that totally retcons some NHL!Bitty stuff, so timeline-wise: the Falconers took the cup Eric’s second year with the Schooners. The Schooners win the following season.)

NHL!Bitty Masterpost




Game Seven. Third period. Eric’s running on adrenaline, blue Gatorade, and rage.

Jack and the rest of the Falconers first line are racing to catch up, but Eric is ‘criminally fast’ (thank you ESPN for the lovely descriptor), and it’s almost too easy to whip the puck to Carter and wait for the siren.

Snowy can’t stop it. The Schooners will win in regulation. 

For a brief, terrifying moment, Eric sees Morin’s breakaway as the death knell of his relationship. He has flashes of Freshman year and he thinks ‘Jack is going to hate me’.

Eric closes his eyes and waits.

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