i love this essay with my whole heart

If I close my eyes, I can go back in a heartbeat to the flower-patterned sofa in my grandmother’s living room, where I was curled up with my face pressed close to the slightly rough fabric. It was a Saturday morning, but not a typical one. I was 14 years old, deep in the throes of my first heartbreak, and I imagined that nobody in the world had ever felt the monumental pain I was feeling that day.

My boyfriend — who was two whole years older than I was – had told me that he was going to high school, and I was now far too immature for his tastes. It was not only heartbreaking, but humiliating. I imagined I would never be able to love anyone again, and that life couldn’t possibly go on.

A gentle hand on my back roused me, and I turned around to look into my grandmother’s face. “Do you want vadai?” she asked.

How A Broken-Hearted Young Girl Found Healing In Her Grandmother’s Vadais

Photo: Awanthi Vardaraj for NPR

anonymous asked:

C-could you please not reblog art where the characters are white washed? You recently reblogged one where Lance is borderline but Hunk is pretty pasty. Thank you.

Sigh. This isn’t what I wanted to write about tonight. That said, maybe it’s time.

I think I’ve made it clear that this is an anti-discourse blog. That includes race discourse. I think it’s a side of fandom that has done MUCH more harm than good, and I would like it to go away entirely. I understand why it exists, and I would never tell someone else how to use their time, but I will not agree and I will not engage.

I think I know which art piece you’re talking about. The artist was using a rather pastel color palette. It looked like the paladins were sitting in a bright patch of sunlight, relaxing and hanging out together in a lovely room. And that’s all. Yes, Hunk and Lance’s skin tones were lighter than they are in the show. But so was everything. It was clearly an artistic choice and I have no problem with it.

I’m sorry it bothered you. But I’m not going to delete the post. Neither do I intend to keep an eagle eye out in the future to avoid “white-washed” fandom art and avoid reblogging it. I’m sorry if that’s an issue for you. Feel free to unfollow me. I’m not going to train myself to look for problems.

I think the entire mentality in recent years of fandom in general and the Voltron fandom in particular to hunt down “problematic” fan creators and punish them is not only awful and damaging and unhealthy, but also dangerous in a way. Most of the things fans are complaining about their fellow fans doing wrong, or even the show itself, are very minor. By searching so hard for things to be offended about, by finding them and reinforcing them with likeminded fans and working yourself up into a frenzy over them, you are TRAINING yourself to be offended. You are teaching your brain to be pleased and satisfied when you find things that upset you, because the rush of energy and anger feels good. And that just makes you find more and more and more.

This is not a good road to go down. It leads to misery. It leads to depression. It leads to believing that the world is awful and only getting worse, and no matter how much you fight it you can never make a difference, because there’s always going to be some other “problematic” thing to get worked up over. And it’s just going to keep getting worse and worse.

It’s the same way I feel about the “microaggression” thing you hear about in the larger American culture. Racism is bad, and I hate it. But someone asking where you’re from? Not racism. Most of those things I see listed as microagressions are tactless and a little rude, but they aren’t crimes. By teaching ourselves that they are, we’re only making things worse and worse for ourselves and for each other. Morgan Freeman said it best. The best way to cure racism is not to seek it out and decry it, but to find commonalities and learn to love each other instead. You’ll never change a racist by yelling “RACIST!” at them over and over until they shut up. That just makes them hide away in likeminded communities and discuss how awful you are and how abused they are and how they’re right in every bad thing they’ve ever thought about you. You change a racist by showing them that we’re all the same, and our differences are things to be enjoyed and celebrated and shared, not sequestered and hoarded and gloated over like gems.

This is something you learn in therapy for mental illnesses like PTSD and depression, by the way. It’s similar to the counseling I got. Part of the problem with PTSD is hypervigilance, the way your brain is constantly on the look out for things that threaten you. The more you notice, the more tense and alert you become, and then you see more. It’s the same thing with the whole fandom callout culture. I worry a lot about kids who come into the internet fandom bright-eyed and happy, eager to share and discuss the things they love, only to be beaten down by these eagle-eyed folks who see problems everywhere they look that need to be attacked. And these kids are learning to fall in with the crowd, because not to do so is literally dangerous to their mental and emotional health.

We need to train ourselves in the opposite direction. We need to learn to accept each other with a few little bumps and bobbles here and there. If you have criticism to offer, do so, but in a constructive way. And if the creator doesn’t agree, accept that. Accept that their work is just not your cup of tea, and move on with your day. You will be much happier and healthier for it, I promise.

One of my fandom friends was basically hounded out of the Voltron fandom with hate messages she got for one of her fics. The reason? Lance wasn’t Latino enough. Because he was singing showtunes with Blue instead of more “Latin” songs, I think was the crux of the complaints. Mind, this was before he was even revealed to be Cuban, so it was based entirely on fanon. This friend of mine is biracial and grew up in a mixed Latino family. Her godson is a gay Latino, and she based the characterization of Lance on him, because he loves showtunes and his relationship with his partner reminds her of Lance and Keith. The persecution of this friend of mine based on her artistic choices in a cute little ficlet about Lance and Blue having fun together still upsets me and breaks my heart. I want it to end.

I’m sorry if this little essay offended anyone. As I said, feel free to unfollow me if my stance makes you uncomfortable. I hold no grudges. But this is something I feel quite strongly about, and I’m not going to change. And congrats if you read this whole thing! It was quite a piece.

On Kairi’s Characterization and “The Fairy Gay Mother”

You know, I get a lot of comments on how my Kairi is so different from a lot of other kingdom hearts, (especially soriku and other m/m ships) fics. I haven’t seen a whole lot of Kairi portrayal outside being at her worst, a ms. mary-sue gets-in-the-way-a-lot, and at her best, a sweetie mom friend who is “highly perceptive,” knew Sora and Riku were in love long before they knew it, and is usually a confidant to one of the boys and gives excellent advice. With nothing at all going on in her life outside of that.

I want to explain why I write Kairi so differently, and why others should too. The majority of her characterization is built off fannon characterizations from a fandom that’s been around a long ass time, starting in the dark age of the internet back when the majority of m/m shipping was bad yaoi tropes and full of only annoying idiot or perfect nice princess females. She’s like a game of telephone, being based off someone’s interpretation of the source material, then someone’s interpretation of that interpretation, and so on and so forth until we forgot what the source material even is.

And as a note, this can be applied to MANY fandoms and their ladies and different third wheels to m/m ships, but I’m mostly focusing on Kairi and her role in Soriku fanfiction, because I’ve been reading soriku fanfiction since I was about 10 and cringing at her portrayal for 8 years now. But, my end game in here can be used for all fandoms, and I encourage people to think about this in terms of that. 

Keep reading

2

Oh, just bringing together my obsession with crossovers and certain seiyuu

( Noragami / Natsume Yuujinchou / Ao no Exorcist / Durarara!! )

Kouri rewatches Sense8, episode 2 highlights:

  • I love DeShawn, I hope he comes back sometime later
  • Nomi’s ‘I am a we’ speech is really amazing
  • How did Jonas even find Nomi????
  • Obviously Metzger is shady as hell but as someone who knows a lot about the medical field I wonder if most viewers realize exactly how shady, with that whole ‘you have to have surgery RIGHT NOW or you gonna die’ like what’s a second opinion whoever heard of asking for something like that? I mean, obviously there are times when immediate surgery is needed but Nomi is clearly not critically ill so, you know, I’ll just stop talking now
  • “I feel like Kala didn’t even like me at first so I arranged to send her so many flowers that she would be uncomfortable saying no to my request for a date” because nothing’s more romantic than pursuing a woman you know isn’t interested
  • “Why be jealous of my arm when you already have my heart” lmao Lito pls
  • You know, I love where the whole Lito/Hernando/Daniela thing ended up, but they really glossed over the fact that she sexually assaults him in this scene, like she’s totally groping him there
  • Though I do find it interesting that she’s thrilled to find out that Lito’s gay, and I don’t think that’s just because she finds gay guys hot. I could actually write an entire essay on Daniela coping with past abuse with meaningless sex, but then being happy to have found someone who doesn’t want to screw her. So I forgive you, Dani, but I do wish you had apologized.
  • “Animals can sense things we can’t.” “It should be noted that my dog licks his balls all day” lmao Diego pls
  • “You never had a sense of humor” man I know Will’s relationship with his father is supposed to be complex but that phrase always gets my hackles up. “So what if I’m being an asshole to you? Take a joke!” fuck people who play that card
  • It’s really amazing Will is as well-adjusted as he is, given the givens

anonymous asked:

Omg, if its not much to ask can u please tell us what u like about each ship in the maknae line? Cause to be honest i love all 3 with my WHOLE DAMN HEART! i could never choose.

I’d give an entire essay but it’s really late so I’ll summarize :’)

I love vmin because soULMATES??? Best friends???? They choose each other for stuff all the time??? They’re so!!! soft!!! for eachother it makes me weep asddgjkj also Tae’s big hands with jimins :’(((((

For taekook I love that they’re such partners in crime??? Like they’re so ridiculous together and so EXTRA and idek i just really love seeing all the shenanigans they get into. I also love how comfortable they are w eachother it always melt my heart when they cuddle :’)

For jikook of course the bickering and the relentless doting from jm. Always a push and pull w these 2 but at the end of the day they adore eachother asgsjshjshs

MAKNAELINE IS SO CUTE literally all of them bicker w eachother sm one second then the next they’re having a massive cuddlefest I’m just so heart eyes for all of them. I also rly love hoseok+maknaeline idk what they’re called but that’s also some top quality shit 👌👌👌👌

the lil guide for: studying literature and annotating!!

as a student who had her fair share of literature in high-school, here’s my guide to being all good buddies! thanks @jamesiriustudyblr for wanting to see this!

STUDY LITERATURE:

  • understanding of the period a book is written in is vital. you get literary movements and trends placed all over the centuries, all with their unique share of traits and representative writers. knowing where your book fits historically will allow you to understand the reason behind why the book was written in the first place, main themes, main character’s traits, reccuring imagery, typical writing form. thus, what makes it unique will also stand out. 
  • know the sources of inspiration for your book. they might come from a historical period (get on wikipedia and get a brief understanding of it!), fairytales (again, know at least the summary to get why it’s a source of inspiration and what are the things taken from it) or a real life person/event. know the backstory of what set the work you’re studying into motion.
  • don’t be afraid to get that book through your own personal fliter. talk out with classmates and teachers the things that bother you or the things you’ve loved. you get to see different points of view and it gives you a deeper understanding of what you’ve read. but always make sure to take your own feelings and your own thoughts into considerations. it’s much more fun when you’re disagreeing with the whole literary criticism.
  • related to that, don’t be afraid to say what you think, even in an ‘official’ environment. teachers have to read the same old learned by heart essays over and over again; freshen it up by adding your own, real opinion. in my exams, i wrote about a character that “he’s the most arrogant, insufferable and mysoginistic character romanian literature has ever seen”. i didn’t get points down for that.
  • always compare the book you’re studying to another one! it might be one from the same period, a totally different one you’ve read for fun (but the main characters are just THAT similar) or just another similar one you studied years ago. it does not matter; it makes it easier to remember key details and it’s always a nice and appreciated adding to an essay.
  • have three to four sequences in the book (or play or poetry) completely commented. that means: why is it important? do you learn anything new about the main character and their relationship with those around them? is it a major twist? do you have a big descriptive part of the world, people? or maybe universal questions that are filtered through your protagonist? those are the pillars of your understanding of the book. figure out why the literary devices are important in these sequences, or what they have in common with other fields you might know about (philosophy is almost always brought up in any book, but so might be religion, psychology).
  • know your protagonist(s). and by that, i mean: what the narrator says about them? what they say about themselves? how do others perceive them? and write it all down; we tend to gloss over these things as we read, but they bring a better understanding of our characters’ personality.
  • know your critics as well. you don’t have to quote them word-by-word, but it’s good to know about one or two important literary critics and what they said about the work you’re studying. 


ANNOTATING BOOKS:

***i’m not in the american school system; i know nothing about being made to annotate for school. this all comes from what i’ve explored on my own and tips that helped me in remembering books & making the experience of reading more fun

  • annotating is fun!! it might not seem that way when you’re actually forced to do it and you get graded on it, but it is. having a system that helps making it fun is even better! 
  • color code your sticky notes!! i usually go as this: green for things i found interesting, pink for characters descriptions, yellow for plot-related info and blue for quotes that are “quotable”/remarkable 
  • if you actually like to write on books (as i actually do), this is how my system works: {…} for things i personally found interesting, dog-earing pages for characters details, […] for plot-related info and underlining for quotable/remarkable quotes 
  • mark the page when you think you figured out the plot!! i actually like to go with a star or a big asterisk; but knowing you will do this keeps you engaged with the story and you’re paying more attention to the details/clues in the book and forces you not to be a passive reader
  • circle the new words you find, the ones you didn’t know. write them down next to their definition. 
  • after every chapter, try to write down a small summary. don’t get lost in the details, just write new and important (!!) actions/details that came up. and just that. your chapter summary should’t be longer than half a page.

i hope this helps & good luck!

anonymous asked:

"I think [Kylo]'s Soft under all his agony." I love you. Tender, awkward 'Performatively Dark' Kylo is my favorite brand of Kylo.

i love u too anon and BOY do i love tender awkward kylo!!! There’s a bit in the third Aftermath book where he’s a baby and he won’t stop crying till someone holds him and in my heart….. he still just wants snuggles. I’ve had some really cool conversations with people about how Kylo is really defined, for me, by the dichotomy of being deeply out of control while trying to maintain tight, unbreakable control of himself. There’s so many layers of repression and self-punishment, and there’s been really good analysis of how his costume reflects that with the mask and all the layers and everything, and I could write essays about how the differences between Kylo’s (tight, dark, covers all of him head to toe, zillions of layers) costume and Rey’s (loose, light, bare skin, comfortable, utilitarian) reflect differences in their characters, and how you can, like, see Kylo drop or lose some of his control whenever he starts losing some of his costume (Rey’s interrogation, the ending fight) but that’s a whole other non-sequitir.

Idk I just love the kylo in my heart who’s got layers and layers of pain and anger and fear and trauma all wrapped around a warm, soft, gentle boy in the middle who just wants 2 be held

(also there’s the thing to be considered where, like, the person Snoke molded him into and the person he’d naturally be without that or after recovering from that might be completely different, and I like to explore that too, which is why kylo in my snoke-free aus tends to be a weird dork who likes books and being at home and can’t string together five words around Rey, and a kylo in my post-snoke aus where he’s had time to heal and figure himself out is quiet and serious and thoughtful and closed-off but ultimately a Great Big Softie who loves rey a lot)

anonymous asked:

what are your thoughts on Milk (the queen not the beverage lmao)?

i gotta leave in like 5 minutes so i don’t have much time to write out an essay about how much i love her. 

she’s literally my favorite queen, ever. i’m so obsessed with everything she does, whether it’s about her drag and creativity or her activism. she’s such an amazing person, i love her take on drag and gender. and she seems like such a warm and welcoming person. i love Milk with my whole heart and i’d die for her :/

8

i want to take this time to wish a Happy Birthday to the most precious human-being i ever laid eyes on. This guy, i can’t call him a boy anymore because he is officially 21, this guy, makes me feel the need to protect him 24/7. When in reality i need protection from him, he’s always making my heart skip a beat and causing me to want to bash my head with his precious smile. He inhabits my heart and makes me melt with every gesture. I cannot comprehend how i can love a person so much that i have never met or knows of my existence. i could write a whole essay of reasons to love you but i think i would spazz out to many times, while twitting it and i don’t think thats good for my emotions. All i know is that this sweetheart deserves the world and all the stars in the universe, and if i could i would personally hand them to him. Happy birthday to my ultimate bias, Kim Taehyung.  ❤︎ 1995.12.30   ❤︎

-Admin Ellie

8

❝You are more than my sister
You are my best friend
You are the one that will be there
when my heart needs to mend.

I love you sister
more than you will ever know
You are my other half
with you I am whole. 

Starting a new post because I’m feeling guilty about defacing so many gifsets over the years with very long comments, but I’m still thinking about this:

http://thevioletcaptain.tumblr.com/post/136808049661/heytheredeann-617-my-heart-will-go-on

(you can blame @thevioletcaptain for this post)

My tags I wrote before leaving for a long weekend with no time to elaborate:

“I don’t think we talk about [Bobby and Ellen briefly being married in 6x17′s alternate universe] enough as an example of bizarre non-canon canon relationships, or has there already been a long essay musing on this as part of the evidence in the whole AU where it’s literally “the angel who’s in love with you” [paraphrasing] as Balthazar says”

(this is one example of popular fandom posts about it)

… #Alternate universes in this show fuck me up so much

OKAY so let’s talk about this! (Very VERY long pointless post for ts. This post goes for a tour in an alternate dimension and comes back none the wiser and worse for the wear :P If you read my 5x22 rewatch notes on Endverse those were a sort of light warm up for this (I was about to joke they weren’t required reading but you know what…))

Keep reading

Last night I had the privilege of seeing Darren take on “Hedwig” and he was phenomenal. I was really blown away by his performance.

About a week ago, I made this post, but by the time the opening chords of Origin of Love were playing, all my concerns vanished. He played her so brilliantly.

She was…bitter. She was angry. She was tired. She was tired of being angry. Every joke had a caustic edge to it. Every time she got angry or distressed, she fell. Literally. She was exhausted. During Exquisite Corpse, she practically stumbled around the stage, shouting the lyrics and collapsing onto the floor.

NPH’s performance was spectacular, and Michael C. Hall’s was a lot of fun, but Darren’s portrayal spoke to me on a deeply personal level. Later, at the stage door, I thanked him for how he played her and told him he was amazing and he said Thank you, I’m so glad you enjoyed it, but I don’t think he, or really anyone, could grasp how much this performance meant to me.

When I first came to terms with my sexuality in ninth grade, I didn’t tell anyone. I indirectly told my best friend and then shut up about it until the beginning of this school year (I’m a senior now). I came out to my dad first, then my best friends, then my GSA. And I hated it. It was awful. Coming out, for me, was an incredibly uncomfortable experience and I hated my sexuality and resented it and I haven’t come out to anyone since September. And I was PISSED. I was really angry at society and myself and the powers that be that I was who I was, that I even had to come out in the first place, that I had to explain to my dad what pansexual meant, that I have to explain myself, that I had to be scared of being rejected by the people I love just because I feel things a little differently than they do. I was ANGRY. I still am. But recently, I’ve realized there’s no point. It’s not accomplishing anything. But I still am, nevertheless. Being angry at something that won’t change is exhausting. I am tired. I’m so sick and tired of being mad.

And Darren’s performance last night really HIT me. I loved the show with all of my heart for various reasons beforehand, but last night was the first time I really, truly felt a personal connection with the show as a whole. And I can’t thank him enough.

Thank you, Darren. Thank you, Rebecca and Lena and JCM and Stephen Trask.

Thank you, Hedwig.

anonymous asked:

Artemis crock

  • How I feel about this character: ARTEMIS CROCK IS FOREVER MY ROUGH, ROWDY, INSECURE, ACERBIC, FEROCIOUSLY LOVING LIONHEARTED PRINCESS. one thing that i can say young justice did with finesse and dedication was give its two leading ladies absolutely stunning character arcs (even if they both did get more than a little cut off by the end of invasion) and when people ask me whether i love m'gann’s or artemis’s more, i legitimately cannot choose. i’m inclined – just on the principle of artemis being my favorite female by maybe TWO POINTS, but the miracle of yj is that all four of the girls in the first season are on near equal footing in my heart – to say it’s artemis, just because watching her fight tooth and nail for what she wants and what she knows she deserves (or comes to learn she deserves) makes my heart soar. there’s a certain unstoppable hope in artemis, a girl who grew up in darkness and shadows and grit and grime and waited on a sidewalk on a hot july evening for her ex-convict mother to come off a bus from prison; a girl who was told all her life that she was going to grow into something cold and unfeeling and wrong, because she came from a family of those people; a girl who learned how to feel and how to fight and how to build a family of her own from the wreckage of her messed-up childhood; a girl who stomped a boot down onto the earth and swore that she’d break away, kicking and screaming, from that same darkness, those same shadows, that closed around her from the very day she was born. but the beauty of it is that we still see so many pieces of that girl who had to grow up learning how to kill people – THAT GIRL WHO ALMOST DEFINITELY HAS KILLED PEOPLE – and how to steal and lie and hate the world (hate herself), because artemis crock is a thrashing, snarling warrior with dirt under her fingernails and blood in her long golden hair and she fires arrows from a bow because she never wanted to be close to anyone, because being close to people meant opening herself up to pain she never felt equipped to handle. and slowly, steadily, she starts to stand closer to the heroes she was raised to believe were her enemies, to the people she was once so sure would reject her. and she grows older, and she goes to college, and she falls in love, and she gets a house and a dog and she knows she earned her happiness and now that that’s done, she knows it’s time to go back to the Life, back to protecting the people she cares about at the risk of herself, and she’s forced to become what she could have been, would have been, if she’d never gotten out of her father’s grasp, if she’d never decided not to follow jade out that door with a suitcase in her hand. and even as she falls deeper and deeper into the dark part of her heart that she’ll never be able to wash out, only illuminate, she still remembers what she loves, what she feels, what she fights for, and do you know what she does when the brightest light is taken out of her world? she sucks in a deep breath and puts that tigress mask back on because damn it, the children of the shadows can fight for the right side too. artemis crock is redemption, she’s hope, she’s perseverance, she’s justice, she’s the fiercest part of the human heart. and i will never, ever get sick of watching her make that journey. NEVER.
  • All the people I ship romantically with this character: wally forever and always, duh, and i could write a whole OTHER mini-essay on that; kaldur and zatanna circle around as like, orbiting secondary-ships; and depending on my current mood and how recently i’ve watched season one, dick.
  • My non-romantic OTP for this character: m'gann, probably. EARTH SISTERS!!! M'GANN IS FILLED WITH JOY AND PRIED OPEN WITH LOVE SHE’S BEEN WAITING TO GIVE OUT, WHILE ARTEMIS HAS BEEN TAUGHT NOT TO FEEL IT AT ALL!! M'GANN AND ARTEMIS BEING AFRAID OF THE SAME THINGS!!! kill me
  • My unpopular opinion about this character: ??? probably that i like her in the first place, going by early fandom’s days of artemis hostility. although i sometimes wish that she’d been planted as a mole from the beginning by sportsmaster and then slowly fallen into familial love for the very heroes she was supposed to be betraying, until she turned around and kicked sportsmaster into the dirt, BUT HER ARC IN THE SHOW WAS SO GOOD ANYWAY THAT I CAN’T EVEN SAY I’D HAVE PREFERRED THAT VERSION!!!!
  • One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: more time with jade, more time with paula, more time to mourn her bf’s death i mean really that shit was crammed tight in those last few minutes. and honestly i’m always going to be pissed off that even after all she went through, she still had to get dealt a cheap blow at her happiness, like, man, greg, fuck off (only don’t because 90% of the rest of her arc was aces)

i am speechless. completely and utterly speechless. the blue neighbourhood trilogy was heartbreaking and devastating but troye really did an amazing job at beautifully executing it and getting the message out there. matthew’s character’s dad was dead but everything he said and did to him still had an impact on him and left mental scars that’ll never go away. his suicide after it really shows that. and also can we talk about the loss of innocence there?? i can write a friggin english essay on that. when they were young their love and feelings were so innocent but when they grew older something so innocent was lost because of the homophobia and pressures they faced. simply over love. ALSO the whole “jumping off the jetty” thing. when they were kids they did it for fun but now. boom. i’m speechless.

[Actor Elizabeth Frances on the set of Her Story. Photo Credit: Tamea A. photobytamea.com]

No one asked, but I like talking about it, so…

The character of Bad Penny in Her Story is based on a real person, my dear friend, and yes, at one time my girlfriend. Her name is Penny, because I’m just that creative when it comes to naming characters. It’s the only serious relationship I’ve had since transition, and I loved her very much. I still do.

We met in 2012 at the very first meeting of “No Boys Allowed”, a trans feminine group in Chicago (which, by the way, included writers Ellie Navidson and Parker Molloy, performer Rebecca Kling, and Carly Lehwald of “Becoming Us”). Penny had been writing to me on OkCupid, but I wasn’t interested. Until I met her.

After the meeting we were all chatting outside in a group and I suddenly said to her, “By the way, you’re coming home with me”, and walked away. I’ve never been so bold, before or since, but it worked, and she did.

We were both early in our transitions (”first years” as she would say) and of course struggling with family, friends, work, and self-acceptance. To date another trans woman with such similar experiences was to have some small respite from everything else, a bit of space to feel seen, understood, cared for, protected, wanted, loved. To love someone who was all the things I hated about myself was an act of healing, and I consider myself blessed for it.

She left me, fool that she is, but we went on to share whole new worlds together, and she remains one of my closest friends.

Unlike the character, Penny is not a rock star, but like her, the real Penny is an incredible singer and outsized personality whose brazenness complemented my timidity in matters of the heart and flesh.

To this day, Penny doesn’t listen to my interviews, read my essays, or watch anything I’m in or make. And I kind of love that, because to her I’m just this messy broken girl whose brain causes her more trouble than good, but she cares for me anyways.

Here’s to you Penny.

[me with the real life Penny, 2012, photo by Andy Karol]

And whenever you take my hand,
I can feel the tsunami of thoughts
Recede and then rise,
Climbing my throat like a wave of nausea.
And I can’t fight this flow of feelings;
This waterfall of words,
All twisted and tangled tumbling over a trembling lower lip.
This collection of confessions are meant only to compensate
For a sleeve too short to show you my whole heart.
A superfluous essay
Summarized by the three words
That I struggle to say;
I love you.
—  Graphorrea // Ceres