Buried Hope: Coda 13x2
A not 100% angsty coda to last night’s episode. You can also read it on Ao3 Here.
Dean practically crawled out of that room. It was too much, the sight of Jack, what he did. And Dean knew he’d screwed things up again. When he had the Mark, he did something like what Jack did. He remembered the many ways he’d tried to end himself. Seeing Jack like that froze him up. He said the wrong things. Jack was just a child, if Sam was to be believed. It was what Dean had wanted to hear though, when he was in the same state.
It could have helped Jack. Dean knew though that it didn’t, that he was wrong, that he should go back and say anything. He sucked at this sort of thing, grieving, losing, living. He was maybe entirely broken now if he was letting a kid go through that. And all he could offer him was death as comfort. Dean pressed his head to the wall and let the tears fall. He was alone in his room. No one needed to know what all of this was doing to him.
If Cas were here he’d fix this, things might make sense. “How am I supposed to do this?” He was tapping the wall with his forehead now. The motion repeating, faster and more frustrated. Dean realized he was praying to Cas, and that the prayer would never reach him. More tears came.
He didn’t know what was right anymore. There seemed to be no point, no light at the end of the darkness, no reward or even peace. “I don’t have any love left in me. You took it with you, you goddamn sonofabitch.” Dean was losing it more and more. His face was a mess of tears now. His breathing came in rough gaps.
“Dean,” Jack said as he walked slowly into the room.
“Leave,” Dean said, quietly but with an edge that held a threat in it.
Clearly not seeing the situation for what it was, Jack took another step and said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause his death or my mother’s death. I don’t know how to fix that. I’m sorry I hurt you. I don’t know how to fix that either.”
“You can’t fix shit, Jack.” Dean hazarded a look at him past eyes that were swollen now from the crying he’d needed to do. Jack moved toward him, raising a hand. “Don’t.”
Jack ignored him and set his hand on Dean’s shoulder anyway. “I can show you what he showed me.”