Search for Loneliness Part2
Hi people! This is part two to the one shot called Search for Loneliness which is the first one on my blog. I think you can read this even if you haven’t read part1 and still get the plot. Hope you enjoy!
Huge thanks to the person who requested Part1 and to my friend @interfectorems for the patience and help!
Plot: Harry broke Y/N’s heart. But how come he misses her now?
Warnings: May hint on sex and includes curse words.
Pic isn’t mine.
Harry was awoken by soft kisses being peppered across the warm skin of his shoulder and a low groan fell from his mouth. Images of a girl flashed before his eyes and a lazy smile forced its way onto his face, happiness flooding through his entire body.
She was here.
Y/N’s smooth fingertips were drawing over his tattoos and Harry took a deep breath, wanting to fill all his senses with her, all of what was her. His muscles relaxed beneath her soft touches and his heart thumbed heavenly full with emotion in his chest. Y/N had come back to him. Or maybe it was him who’d never left? Or…
Strange. She smelled differently than he remembered. And her hair was softer. In fact, now that he thought about it, the tender touches he was receiving could in no way be coming from his Y/N. Y/N hadn’t ever drawn over his tattoos, but rather along them, touching his bare, uncovered skin rather than the inked one. It was only a faint difference, but the moment he started paying attention to it he couldn’t ignore how drastically wrong this felt.
His heart fell and his stomach knotted. There was still the same distance between Y/N and him as there had been last night. And the day before. The week.
Harry rolled onto his side, successfully disconnecting the foreign girl’s touch from his body without even looking at her and got to his feet so quickly his head felt dizzy.
“Breakfast?” his raspy voice muttered, but he was out of the bedroom before his visitor could complain about his unfriendly manners or give an answer to his question.
“Yes, Gem, I’m aware of that.” Harry rolled his eyes at his sister’s lectures about how he’d missed another family dinner and pressed the phone closer to his ear. “It must have slipped my mind. M'sorry.”
“You seem to have very little room in that mind of yours lately,” his sister remarked, “We’ve all seen what might be occupying all the space. How is you’re new mysterious women doing?”
“S'no mystery,” he replied slowly, “And s'not very serious.”
She hummed, indicating that she clearly didn’t buy it. “When did you decide Y/N was to be out of the picture?”
Harry huffed in annoyance. In moments like this he regretted ever bringing Y/N around to meet his family. If he hadn’t done that they surely wouldn’t be bothering him about her anymore.
“I had my reasons so don’t even start.”
A loud, exaggerated sigh was heard, yet she remained silent. Gemma knew her brother well enough to sense when it was best to leave him alone. She also knew when he’d spill what she wanted to hear without needing to be pushed.
“She was just… not right, you know?” he admitted.
Harry shrugged even though she couldn’t see, his fingers nervously switched on the tap, allowing clear water into the sink. Switch on. Switch off.
“She couldn’t accept my life”, he explained, careful to choose his words wisely, “There were many little things she did which clearly showed how little she understood about my lifestyle and there were bigger ones. I once asked her to come to dinner with me and Kendall and she said no, not because of my past relations with her, but because she didn’t want to get into a situation where she’d be filmed for a TV show. Or because there would have been too many paps around. Same went for any other time I wanted her to meet someone remotely famous and at some point all the arguments became too much. Is adapting to my standards really too much to ask? She couldn’t just expect me to change for her or to not go out for dinner every week anymore.”
Silence. One that told him enough.
“What?” he asked annoyed.
“Why do you think I didn’t come to that yacht you rented a couple of years ago?” Gemma giggled. “I met Kendall and she’s actually quite lovely, but her presence does mean a massive amount of cameras. So do all of your other friends. I’ve got sort of used to it over the years and still hate it, so I can understand if a girl with even less experience feels frightened or intimidated by it. Just my opinion, little brother. Maybe you could have solved that issue by simply giving her more time.”
Harry swallowed hard and processed his sister’s words. More time? But weren’t five months enough to come out of your shell if that’s what your boyfriend expects of you?
Gemma went on: “If you feel happier now then I’m on your side, promise. But you need to make an effort, too, Harry. If any relationship of yours should ever lead to something, you have to get used to the thought of making an effort yourself and not just expecting the girl to do all the work.”
Harry scrolled through her Twitter page and it was strangely empty. The last phrases she’d tweeted had been posted weeks ago. Not even her favorites showed any activity and though Y/N hadn’t exactly visited her Social Media every day, this absence did appear odd. Harry couldn’t admit it to himself, but he did miss knowing what she was up to. Had she experimented with a new recipe? Had she gone to the cafe in north London she’d always wanted to visit? Had she managed to get a ticket for that gig one of her favorite musicians had held last week? He wished he could ask her.
Deciding that this wouldn’t provide any of the desired information, Harry closed the app with a sigh and instead found himself opening the familiar app of his photo folder.
This images weren’t new, but familiar and this was something he desired just as much; the familiarity Y/N had posed that was now lost. Harry stared at the photos and was surprised how every detail of her face was still engraved into his memory, just like any face of a person he cared about was. Only that he shouldn’t feel that way for her anymore. He didn’t have the right to.
“What are you doing?”
The voice was soft and sweet and yet Harry flinched at the unexpected noise. Mia… Maya… Harry wasn’t sure which name it was exactly but after she’d stayed over for three days now he figured asking would be rude. He shut off his device and let it drop onto the coffee table before him, doing his best to appear relaxed.
His new girl smiled and stepped closer. She was pretty. Her hair fell in long waves just below her waist and her wide eyes sparkled with a friendly curiosity for what he was up to, thought or felt. A curiosity he’d known when he had himself began developing feelings for Y/N and now was all he needed to recognize the condition the girl before him was in. She would fall for him. Soon.
Harry didn’t tense when she stepped closer and instead held out a hand for her to take, giving it a slight tug so she would swing one leg over his lap and climb up.
Harry granted her a gentle smile when he had her sitting in his lap with both slender arms wrapped around his neck, his own hands pressing against her smooth back. Maybe if she’d fall for him, he would find the perfect companion he had been dreaming for. The one Y/N had failed to be.
“Are you okay?” Mia or Maya asked with a small frown between her perfectly plucked brows.
Harry just nodded, his throat too dry to answer. Her smell invaded his senses and the sweetness of her perfume clouded his mind. His girlfriend, if that’s what she could be called, smiled and leaned in to press a kiss to his mouth, expecting it to be a short one and finding herself surprised when Harry’s tongue pushed between her lips and dipped into her mouth. One of his hands moved up to press against the back of her head, keeping her from moving back while his fingers pulled at her top with a feverish desire to tore it away. A small laugh fell from her soft lips and she disconnected their kiss in order to oblige his wish and undress. Once off, she leaned in and pressed tender kisses to the side of his neck, sighing whenever his hands moved over the uncovered skin of her body.
Harry’s mind raced and his heart thumbed heavily in his chest. His lower stomach ached and his thighs felt pleasantly tingly. Soft hair brushed over his skin, warm lips placed gentle kisses and delicate hands left faint scratches on his back and stomach. He allowed his head to roll back and his eyes to fall shut.
The name left his mouth in a breathy gasp and it took the girl he was holding to shrug off his embrace before he could realize what he’d done wrong. Hurt evident in her eyes she stumbled to her feet and bent down to gather her shirt, covering her naked torso with hastily moving and shaking fingers.
Harry’s stomach turned and he shook his head, an exhausted huff leaving his mouth.
Why wouldn’t Y/N leave him alone? Even when she was miles away she could torment him like no one else ever had.
Words were shouted, but he took it with no fight and instead stayed sat in his chair as the girl before him began to cry and shake, receiving no words from him to mend her heart ache. At some point he thought she’d slapped him, his cheek, previously kissed by the same person now red and stinging. But he wasn’t sure and only noticed his guest had left when the door fell into its lock with a loud noise.
He had to call her. Y/N hadn’t left his mind in days and frankly he was quite sick of it. So many ordinary tasks had been ruined by her messing with his head. Nervousness made his heart skip and press the phone just a little closer to his ear, waiting impatiently for Y/N to pick up.
Her voice. His eyes fell shut when he heard it and his fingers tingled. She sounded calm and collected, not angry at all.
Harry cleared his throat.
Silence. He heard Y/N take in a breath. “I’m sorry, but who’s this?”
A frown took over his forehead until it dawned on him. She couldn’t have known it was Harry, he realized. In order to keep any woman he was involved with from having his private number he had it blocked at all times. He could call and text them without any of them getting his contact info. It was an old habit he’d broken for Y/N and quickly picked back up once he’d broken up with her.
“Harry,” He clarified, a small smile tugging at his lips, “Forgot about me already, have you?”
The silence following his words was nothing like the one earlier. It was as if the connection had died and Harry quickly checked to see if she’d actually ended it or not. Harry’s feet shifted and sighed.
“Y/N?” he pressed on carefully.
It was a whisper, exhausted and empty.
Harry’s heart squeezed painfully tight and he brushed the sweaty palm of his free hand against his jeans. So she really wasn’t angry, but hurt.
“Listen,” he began, “I-”
But he was already interrupted by the dreadful peeping noise and this time once he looked at his phone, her name had vanished.
His head hung low and his hands were balled into fists. Just one knock, that’s all he had to force himself to and from there she would take the lead. Every time Harry had had a problem it was her who knew just how to solve it, why should it be different now? All she’d need is him who came back long enough for her to help.
With a deep breath Harry raised his hand and let his knuckles meet the door twice. A shudder ran down his back and his throat went dry.
What would he do? What would he say?
I know I was an asshole but I flew all the way back to LA for you so please forgive me?
I can’t explain it, but I miss you.
You haven’t left my mind in weeks, no matter how much I tried.
He couldn’t blame her should she shut the door right into his face if he dared bringing any of those weak excuses. His trail of thoughts was interrupted by the wooden door opening just a slim gap, allowing the person inside to see who it was interrupting their evening.
Harry braced himself, his heart skipping in his chest and he looked up eagerly to see the face he’d missed so much more he could have been prepared for.
But it wasn’t Y/N.
Harry cleared his throat as the unexpected sight of Y/N’s friend threw him off guard. She narrowed her eyes once she realized it was in fact him and she opened the door wider, keeping hold of it to block him from entering.
“I knew you’d miss her,” she spoke, her voice nothing but unkind and empty of sympathy, “She is too good for you and I just knew you’d end up at her door once you realized that no girl you’d try replacing her with would compare.”
“Is she here?” Harry asked, ignoring the sting in his chest caused by her harsh words.
They were true in every way but his pride wasn’t going to just let him admit that.
“Yes,” Mary replied.
He paused, expecting her to say something more but she just continued to stare at him with venomous eyes.
“I need to see her,” he elaborated and took a step forward.
The gap quickly narrowed, but to his surprise Mary nodded. “The moment she calls for me to drag you back outside, I will.”
Harry nodded and pushed past Mary, entering the familiar space. He could still feel her enraged gaze on his back as his own eyes scanned the living room in search for his ex girlfriend, but she was no where.
“She’s in the bedroom.”
He uttered a thanks to the woman eyeing him and with weak knees he walked down the familiar hall and to the closed door or her bedroom, his heavy heart dropping to his stomach. He’d stood here so many times before.
Sometimes with flowers in his hands to surprise her just because she was as lovely as they were. On other days, mainly morning, he would take a moment to prepare for seeing her barely dressed and in her bed, his fingers tightening around the cups of coffee or the bag of breakfast he had gone to pick up.
Of course he also recalled the many nights where he’d stood right here, with her in his arms or hoisted up and pressed against the wood.
Never before had he stood here with fear rushing through his veins. It’d been him who’d rejected her, but he couldn’t imagine handling the situation if their roles were reversed. He was certain he wouldn’t be able to bear it.
Then he heard it. At first only faintly, then clear and loud enough for his heart to break.
Whimpers. Cries. Sobs.
Her face when it had finally dawned on her that he was leaving her had been a picture he’d replayed in his head over the past weeks.
His ears still rang with her cries and his eyes burned at the memory of her soft lips parting to beg him to stay with her.
And still, he hadn’t realized just how much he’d harmed her until now that he could hear her heartbreak through the thick wood of her door.
His hands pushed down the handle before he had thought twice about it and he rushed into the room. He could have sworn his soul crumbled at the sight of Y/N curled up in her bed, a thin blanked shielding her shivering body from the cold while she cried and sobbed into her pillow. Her arms were wrapped around the fluffy material and her head buried into it so Harry couldn’t see her face. Harry wasn’t sure if she’d even noticed his presence or not but he didn’t care.
Before Y/N could protest or really understand what was going on, he’d discarded his shoes and climbed up behind her. Both of his arms found their familiar hold around her waist and he felt tears shoot to his eyes when he finally buried his head into her neck, breathing in her comforting scent. His legs pushed hers apart before intertwining with them and so Y/N soon was cuddled into and against Harry, closer and tighter than she’d ever been before.
“I’m so sorry,” Harry breathed against her skin, “I love you.”
Not for a moment did he hope she might have missed the confession that had slipped his lips before he could stop it. Though Harry hadn’t thought about it before, hadn’t come to any conclusion and sure as hell hadn’t spoken to anyone about it, he realized it was true. He did love Y/N and any reason he’d dug up to break up with her had been for the sole purpose of stopping him from falling deeper.
But he loved her. And this time he wouldn’t leave.
“Forgive me,” he continued, his own voice breaking as his eyes stung with tears.
Y/N’s body was stiff aside form the occasional shakes by her crying and she did nothing to return his embrace. But she didn’t push him away either and this allowed him to hope.
His lips found her neck and he sobbed when happiness flooded his body, his skin tingling with the relief of finally having her close enough to touch again.
“This time will be different,” he promised against her before pressing another tender kiss to her skin, “I promise you, Y/N.”
And so they lay, on the very bed Harry had broken her heart on all those weeks ago. He thought it fitting that it was here he doing his best to mend it again.
But although he held her, breathed her in and murmured promises of how much he regretted it all, Harry continued to fail to understand just how deep his betrayal had cut and so he didn’t know that all Y/N’s head was screaming for was for him to disappear, even if her arms were too weak to push him off and her voice too thin to send him away.
When Harry awoke he was alone.
His hands didn’t need to pat the mattress in search for her, his entire body could feel her absence without having opened his eyes to confirm it. He felt cold.
He crawled out of bed with a groan and stretched his limps before walking gingerly to the closed door, down the hall and into the kitchen. His hands clenched and his heart skipped widely in his chest, nervous of what was going to happen next.
Y/N was standing with her back to him when he entered the small space of her kitchen and for a moment Harry considered sneaking up on her and wrapping her into an embrace, just like he’d done many times before. She turned around to face him before he got the chance.
Y/N’s eyes met his and he froze. Her gaze wasn’t anything like the loving and warm one he’d expected to receive. Instead, her eyes were bloodshot and swollen, proving just how much she’d cried last night, if not many more nights before that.
Her lips were bitten and dry, her hair appeared to be mat and when she raised her mug to her lips to drink he noticed how her hand was shaking.
“Did you sleep okay?”
It was a stupid question, he knew that even before he’d asked it, but he couldn’t think of anything else he could say. The girl before him looked nothing like the Y/N he knew.
“Can’t say I did.”
Not even her voice sounded the same, he noticed with a sinking heart.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, unsure to which one of his many mistakes the apology applied for.
“Breakfast is in the fridge,” Y/N spoke without reacting to his words.
They ate in silence, Harry sitting on the table and Y/N leaning against the counter. He watched her hand trembling slightly whenever she raise the spoon full of cereal to her mouth and he needed to focus on his own fingers to keep them from shaking too.
Once they had both finished Y/N turned to wash her bowl clean, but flinched away from the water when Harry stepped close to do the same.
“Y/N,” he sighed, set down the ceramic he was holding, before leaning against the counter himself. “Talk to me.”
“I don’t know what to say,” Y/N answered quietly, “Other than that I think you should leave.”
Her eyes refused to meet his and instead focused onto the floor. A frown took over his face.
“Leave?” He shook his head.
“But Y/N,” he protested, “we made up. Last night when I climbed into your bed… we made up, didn’t we? Said I was sorry and promised to be different now…We made up.”
Though he’d wished to have her look him in the eyes again, the moment she did, he regretted it. Her orbs were cold and empty of any kindness.
“Because you climbed into my bed as I was crying?” The raw emotion in her voice knocked the breath right out of him. “You think that’s all it took?”
“I-” Harry began, but was interrupted.
“Surely you must know that it was you who’d made me cry last night. It’s been you every night for the past weeks.”
He swallowed hard and his stomach was in knots as he watched her turn around and exit the kitchen. Though he was worried about what would happen next, he followed her into the living room, this time aware of her resentment towards him and so he didn’t try and sit close to her again once she lowered herself onto the couch. Harry took a seat on one of her chairs and watched her warily, unsure if she wanted him to speak or had something to say herself. After a moment of silence he took a breath.
“I swear to you,” he began, “that me breaking up with you was in no way your fault. I know I made you feel as though it was, but it wasn’t. All you did was caring for me so much more than I’d imagined someone could and I fucked it all up simply because I didn’t know how to deal with that.”
“I didn’t think somebody caring for you would pose such a problem to you.”
“It didn’t,” Harry quickly argued, “Not a problem, but something that scared me. I didn’t want you to realize that I didn’t deserve you.”
Y/N laughed. “That’s bullshit. You wished that was why you broke up with me but we both know it isn’t.”
Harry fell silent. The girl before him shook her head and let her gaze wonder to the window, appearing deep in thought for a moment.
“I have spent every minute of every day since you abandoned me with ways of making sense of it. Do you realize that? While you were fucking her, I was sitting here wondering what I’d done to be thrown to the side like a plaything you decided you didn’t want anymore.”
“That’s not true,” Harry protested before he could stop himself, “I saw you with that man at the shops. I did nothing with anyone until I saw those pictures!”
“Oh, I’ve seen those photos, too,” Y/N spoke, her voice raising, “And you, of all people, should know that the media can make anything into a story! It was a guy who’d accidentally bumped into me and asked if I was alright. Nothing more.”
“And what about you?” she continued “Did you also just happen to fall into that woman’s arms and did your mouths meet completely by chance? Did she stumble into your bed and you just coincidentally happened to be naked?”
“Why? Don’t you want to think about her?”
“No,” he murmured, his eyes suddenly wet with tears.
Y/N swallowed hard and though it wasn’t easy for her to see the man she loved tormented, she had to admit that with every word she spoke, another weight was lifted off her chest.
“I’m not the first,” Y/N began, her tone gentler, “That’s what saddens me, too, though it saddens me more for you than it does for me. Tell me, what is the girl’s name? The one you left behind now so you could come to me.”
Harry froze. He looked at Y/N and if he wasn’t mistaken he recognized a hint of pity in her eyes. Not pity for herself, but for him.
“Do you not know? It’s Moira.”
Moira. Harry’s mind raced. Not Mia. Or Maya. Moira.
“I saw it in every picture that was posted online. She was like me, looked at you just the same. Are you aware that you broke her heart just the same you have broken mine?”
No, Harry thought, he couldn’t have.
“And what is the girl’s name you left before you first met me? And the girl before that and the girl before that? You have left so many people in the past few years there is a trail of heartbreak behind you and to this day you have remained completely unaware of it.”
Y/N’s cheeks were wet but her voice didn’t tremble.
“It isn’t the same,” Harry spoke, his voice hoarse, “you’re the only one I want, Y/N. We laster five months, that’s worth so much more than any fling I might have had before you.”
He closed his eyes and let his head fall into his palms.
“They meant nothing,” he swore, “and Moira,” he swallowed hard, “was only a distraction from you.”
“You said I wasn’t what you wanted,” Y/N continued, “I assume you told all of them the same. You’ve let so many people down all because you selfishly chase a romanticized picture of a relationship you have in your head.”
“I’ll change,” Harry weeped against his palms, “From now on it’ll be only you. I don’t need any imagination of a relationship. I want what was real. Want it with you.”
He removed his palms form his face and got to his feet. He noticed her body tense when he neared but she didn’t move away, not even when he dropped to his knees before her.
“I’m in love with you.”
She shook her head. “Don’t,” she whispered and this time she allowed him to see her tears fall from her eyes, “don’t say that only because you’re scared.”
“I’m not,” Harry whispered, “It’s the truth, that’s why.”
Y/N didn’t flinch when he reached for her hands and his heart squeezed when she didn’t pull away.
“I am scared,” he continued, “How couldn’t I be? Your rejection would break my heart and I don’t know how I’d live with the knowledge that it is my fault that I lost you? But I’m not scared of being alone anymore, not enough to throw myself into random relationships like you were right, I have done all this time. I want you or nothing at all, Y/N. I love you.”
He watched her sob and squeezed her fingers with his gently, appreciating any skin touched by her warm tips. This small touches, the reluctant squeeze and tiny movements, meant so much more than the physical contact he’d graved and taken last night. He’d held her, kissed her, breathed her in. But this was voluntarily. She was holding his hands because she wanted to.
He could have rejoiced.
When her body fell forward and into his open arms, he didn’t know for sure if it was because she wanted it or just her body giving out, finally surrendering to the weight of her emotions.
He cried out when her arms settled around his neck and his heart broke when he felt her kiss his neck. After all this time, he could breathe again.
“Harry,” she whimpered.
“I’ll fix this,” he promised, “Everything. I’ll call and apologize to every woman I hurt in the past. You are right, always are, and I should apologize to them for my selfish actions. But you and I are different, Y/N. We’re real and I won’t let my stupid imagination ruin anything again. I don’t want the classic perfect. I want our perfect.”
She sobbed and held onto him tighter. Harry fell back to sit on the floor and a relieved laugh tumbled from his mouth when she followed to sit in his lap, both legs now wrapped around his waist.
“I love you,” he whispered against the shell of her ear.
He groaned when her small hands pulled at the strands of hair at the back of his neck, but obeyed and moved his head back so his eyes could meet hers. Her beautiful orbs were full of the loving care he’d missed so much and he felt another wave of tears rush to his own eyes.
For a moment she just looked at him, the man she’d given her heart to, who’d then broken it and now promised to mend it again. Harry.
“It’ll take time,” she murmured shyly and he nodded without hesitating, “but I think we’ve got enough of it.”
A smile danced on his mouth and his eyes closed when her soft lips met his in a tender kiss. He had her back, he thought, his heart full of joy and he wouldn’t ever be reckless enough to let her go again.
Thank you for reading this!! Hope you liked it.
Rest of what I wrote can be found here: