i love pride and prejudice too much okay

one of the hardest things to express for me, as someone who comes with a mind full of darkness and a body trapped in itself: we are not excused our behaviors. we are not allowed to drain others so that we may, by extension, survive. 

it is hard. of course, of course. lean on others when you can, know that you are not alone, be unafraid of being alive and suffering. it is hard; our brains programmed into believing us burdens, and here, a voice telling you: well, you might be too much to handle and you must not allow yourself the honor.

but what i mean. what i’m trying to say. is that we cannot hold ourselves more important than another. it is a fine line between asking for help and demanding it, between looking for the honest attention and salvation of another’s advice, and simply taking up their time.

i’m speaking as someone who has been in both boats, and still drowning. as someone who has been a burden, over and over and over again, appealing only to the gentle nature of others to provide for the absence of one in myself. and i speak as someone who has been irretrievably wounded by the needs of others; taken advantage of; used for my patience and understanding to such an extent i was bled dry by it. 

toxic natures are not forgiven because they come from a valid space. is my father’s fist only a prayer because he learned how to fight from his mother, and now i forgive him the cycle, turn it to halo? i must, after all, carry the burden of the circle too, to revise and overthink every possibly abusive thing i might do. 

and i’m telling you. sometimes you need to realize others are taking you for your bones. they know you are like them, they know that you’re hurting and would never allow another to suffer too: and they use it. they use it to drain every last drop out of you; to steal you from sleep, from peace, from a good friendship where all affections are returned. 

what i mean is that it is okay to use a crutch. we are all in need of one. but it is not okay to refuse to remember that you put your weight on someone. that you must return the weight, that you must be there for them, in the same capacity as they are every moment. i mean a balance.

there is a girl i have a joke about who only ever gets as far as one inquiry into my life, as far as “hey how’s it going” before i am left to carefully attend to her every problems. when my grandfather died, i turned off my phone. she called me selfish for leaving her alone. her illness does not excuse this; because my illness would not excuse it. i’m telling you two people can be sick, and i’m telling you bad people can be sick; and i’m telling you that sickness does not forgive evil.

please understand. there are those who will appeal to others with the real and valid purpose of getting help, who aspire to get better, who follow diligently the advice of others, who - even if it takes them time - are committed to recovery. who have emergency lapses which take up all space and time and concern, but who you know - would do the same for you in return. 

and there are those who think that they are entitled to your time and energy and patience. and i’m telling you if you are one of them, if you tell others: “i’ll hurt myself without you,” “i’d kill myself if it wasn’t for you,” if you tell others that it is their fault that you would succumb to things: you are the problem. luckily, it is a solvable one. it is one we can fix. remind yourself they are not a professional therapist, and even if they are, they want only your friendship. if you are taking more than you can give, know you can undo it. it’s very simple. thank them, and in the future, be better to them. i know many of you will see this as some vague permission for harmful behaviors; rather instead it’s a command. be better. be good for them. you cannot be there for them if you are not there at all, and you owe it to them.

and to those of you out there who are not ill: it is okay to take time for your own health. to shut the phone off. to rest, to turn off the stress. and it is okay to leave if you must, all of you, any of you: friendship is about equality, not about a strange sense that if you leave you will destroy them. if you must, leave. if you are stressed and overwhelmed and it’s too much: your life matters, too. take the time that belongs to you. talk to them about it. a friend will accept it. a toxic person will resent it.

it’s okay. if you’re trying to help others, i’m proud of you. if you’re trying to get help, i’m proud of you. but remember there exists a line. remember there exists a balance. remember you’re not a doctor, remember you’re just a person, remember that it’s okay, and whatever you do: i love you. it’s okay. i believe in you.

Tagging time! (I finally have lil bit time to do so omg)

I was tagged long time ago (I am shit I am sorry I know) by my perfect girl (almostirlfriendI’mstillscreamingthinkingaboutthat) @n0rrie to post 6 things i’m currently in love with <3 <3 
one song: (lately I’m obsessed with a lot of songs but one, okay) Luna- Bombay Bicycle Club
two movies: but I don’t watch movies :( Okay the last ones I watched was “Pride & Prejudice & Zombies” and “Van Helsing”. I recommend the first one. Second one not so much
three series: Yuri on ice of course, I came back to Bones and it’s fricking amazing as it was those years ago and because I cried so you should too No.6 (I hate those feels don’t watch it omg)
four people: but like, celebrities? Or normal people omg. Okay, celebrities. George Bladgen (because I came back to fricking les miserables hell and I’m still crying), Gal Gadot, Pyo Jihoon (he’s my prince forever and always so he needs to count), Jack Steadman (I’m listening to him too much omg) and eeehm Jo Nesbo (because he’s perfect)
five foods: soya milk, feta cheese (I don’t know but I love this too much), coffee, mint ice cream, and rice pasta with chicken and veggies (done by my dad, he’s the best with this)
six people to tag: (I’m tagging you because it’s the place for 6 people I am currently loving you don’t need to do this lol) @izzywhatsup, @adstfu, @sugtae, @accordingtomel, @blueberrysenpaii and @n0rrie (because I get this to my heart and I <3 you even though you were the one who tagged me in this lol) 

Book Review : Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame Smith

Characters : Everyone in the book seems pretty much the same from the original version of Pride and Prejudice, as far as I know. Elizabeth was QUITE intense as a warrior. Mr Darcy seems the same as well with the added twist of being a zombie slayer too. I was pretty much okay with everyone.

Plot : I love the addition of the zombies because it added extra interest for me to pick this book up. It was literally Pride and Prejudice with an added hint of zombies, that’s really all there is to say. I loved how the Bennet girls were known and respected as the protectors of their village.

Thoughts : This book was pretty interesting but, I did find it a bit slow. I think it was mostly because of the text and how sophisticated the language was compared to what I’m used to breezing through. The zombies posed a threat in the book but it wasn’t all about them. It definitely added a little something extra to a classic tale.

Personal Imagine for Margarida

Imagine: You’re sitting in class, trying to pay attention. However, you’re distracted by the annoying sound of Harry Styles repeatedly clicking his pen. You turn around and glare at him, but he only smirks and waves, before going back to his clicking. “Ahem…” The teacher clears her throat, staring at you and Harry over the top of her glasses. “Margarida? Harry? Would you two care to join us in our lesson, or would you rather continue to disrupt the class with your flirting?”
Your cheeks burn red with embarrassment, but Harry only laughs. “I think flirting sounds much more fun, don’t you Margarida?”
You roll your eyes and spin around. “Shut up before you get us both in more trouble!” You hiss. Your teacher raises one eyebrow and begins to say something, but she is interrupted by the bell. The students all hop out of their seats and file out the door, but your teacher stops you. “Margarida? Harry? A moment please?”
You groan quietly and set your bag back down on the floor. “Yes, ma'am?”
“Look, I’ve had about enough of you two. Margarida, you used to be so good in class.” Your teacher says to you. “Why are you letting Harry become such a bad influence?”
You open your mouth in protest, but she continues. “And Harry, I wish you stop spending so much class time trying to get attention from the females in you class, and more time on your schoolwork. You’re failing my class, you know.”
“I’ll work on it.” Harry says. His kiss-ass smile makes you want to slap him.
“I know you will. Because I’m giving you a tutor.”
“What?!” Harry cries.
“Yes. Margardia will tutor you.”
“What?!” It’s your turn to say. “I’m not tutoring Harry!”
Your teacher peers at you over the top of her glasses. “You are if you want participation points for my class. You’ve been losing points for all of the chatting you’ve been doing with Mr. Styles here.”
Your shoulders slump in defeat and your teacher smiles. “Right. Well, I believe you both have a free study period this hour, correct? You may use this time to begin your tutoring sessions here in my classroom. I’ll just be down the hall if you need anything.” She begins to walk towards the door, but then she stops suddenly and turns to you and Harry. “No funny business. I want you two to be learning only. Got it?”
You nod, disgusted that she would even think you’d do anything inappropriate with Harry. Your teacher smiles and walks out of the room, leaving you alone with him. Harry gives you a cheeky grin, and you roll your eyes, sitting down at a desk. “Let’s just get this over with.” You grumble, taking out your book and flipping it to the fourth chapter. You look expectantly up at Harry. “Well? Come here.” You say, patting the chair next to you. Harry gives you a weird look before shaking his head and sitting down. “Okay, so Pride and Prejudice…” You begin.
“I hate it.” Harry grumbles. You look at him incredulously. “What?! Why?”
Harry shrugs.
“Ohh I get it.” You say, crossing your arms. “You haven’t even read it, have you?”
“I’ve read it!” Harry says defensively. “I mean, not the whole thing yet, but I’m reading it! I just don’t get it.”
Why? Too many words for your brain to handle?“
Harry glares at you. "No.” He snaps, snatching the book from your hands and flipping through the pages. “I don’t get why everyone loves it so much. I mean, girls are raving over Mr. Darcy, but he’s a total arrogant prick.”

You shake your head. “He just seems that way. Besides, Elizabeth Bennet makes him seem worse than he is, because she just decided right away that he was a bad guy. She didn’t even really give him a chance at first.”
“Well, it’s not like you can blame her. I mean, he totally disses her in front of everyone.”
You shake your head again, grabbing the book back from Harry. Your fingers brush against his, and you can’t help but notice a tingling feeling shoot through your fingers. "Look,“ You say, shaking it off. "Once you read the whole thing, you’ll get it. They just started out on the wrong foot. Both of them made shitty first impressions, but they eventually find out that they’re actually…” You look up at Harry, and you’re a bit startled to see his pretty green eyes looking back into yours. “…perfect for each other.” You finish quietly. Harry’s eyes flicker down to your lips for a split second. Was he inching closer to you, or was that just your imagination?
“Well, maybe I’ll actually start to like this book.” He says softly. You sit there in silence for what seems like an eternity, wondering when Harry’s eyes got so bright and his lips got so soft-looking. Suddenly, you snap out of it, and you look away to nervously flip pages in the book. “So, um…”
“Margarida?” Harry says quietly.
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry I got you in trouble.”
You look back at him, a bit suspicious of his apology. But his face looks genuine, like he is truly sorry for angering you.
“Really?” You ask. Harry nods, giving you a slight smile. “Of course. You know, I was only trying to get your attention.”
“Why?” You laugh. Harry shrugs. “Because you interested me. You’re the only one who doesn’t talk to me or laugh at my jokes. You’re different.”
“You’re different too.” You reply. “Different from the person I thought you were, I mean.”
Harry grins, raising an eyebrow. “A good different?”
You shrug and look away to hide your smile. “Maybe…”
Suddenly, Harry slips a long finger under your chin, turning your head towards him. “In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.” Harry quotes in a whisper, his lips ghosting against yours. You smile. “Did you memorize that from the book?”
Harry doesn’t respond, instead closing the miniscule space between you and pressing his soft lips to yours. “We’re supposed to be learning, remember?.” You mumble when you finally pull away.
“We are learning.” Harry replies, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “Learning about each other, anyways.”