Anonymous said: More chain of command pls? You are a 🦄 and 🍭😍
Anonymous said: I don’t want to be greedy but would love another chapter of Chain of Command or The Getaway! You rock!!
Snuggling under the homemade quilt Ellen had gifted to her on her eighteenth birthday, Claire twitched her toes nervously. She’d been allowed temporary rooms upstairs with the Fraser’s whilst they decided what their next course of action should be.
Claire, of course, was mortified at the precession. She’d been relieved to have all of them know, especially Jamie, but now came the important part. What were they to tell everyone?
‘We could marry?’ Jamie had suggested, a glint of hope in his bright blue eyes. But Claire was still reeling from having Brian, Ellen and Mama Crook discovering her secret in mere hours and it’d all been too much for her to take in.
Now, cosy and alone, Claire had begun to process the offer.
Of course it was the done thing. She was to have his child, why wouldn’t he want to propose marriage and ensure their union was ordained by God and the eyes of the law?
‘You’re overthinking it, Claire,’ she castigated, rubbing her tummy as the bairn twirled beneath her skin. Jamie wasn’t the sort to make empty promises. If he’d suggested it, even just in passing, he meant it.
He was still treating her with caution, that she could tell. However, recalling the moment he’d proposed she’d seen the want in his eyes. It was slight and very well contained, but it was there - nonetheless. How she’d gone all this time without truly understanding the love he felt for her, the love he had never once held back from her, she would never know. Claire did know, though, that fear had held her hostage and had caused her to selfishly protect herself from accepting his affections as fully as she would have liked. Now, with the unveiling of her pregnancy and the subsequent approval from Ellen and Brian, Claire could finally break down the walls she’d built around her heart.
The whole house remained silent as Claire drifted in and out of sleep. Part of her wanted to crawl out from beneath the wee fort she’d created for herself and continue as normal but she knew that the news would spread through the big house quickly and until she’d further consulted with Jamie, she didn’t want to be the centre of attention.
Instead she elected to conceal herself upstairs. Some of the other maids that Mrs Crook employed below were terrible gossips and Claire was worried about the backlash she might face from them now.
The fire burned onwards, its large flames flickering in the fireplace. Claire was entranced. Between the dancing sparks and the baby moving within her she was captivated. The peace was just what she needed after a stressful few months.
Below, Jamie and Brian sat in the parlour, an intense silence surrounding them.
“I ken ye love the lassie, Jamie,” Brian began, breaking the tense atmosphere with his words. He wanted to make sure Jamie knew what he was doing without being disapproving on the situation. Jamie knew the story of him and Ellen and castigating his son would only make him feel ashamed of his actions. “But why did ye no’ make a decent woman of her first?”
Jamie paled at his father’s assessment of the situation. “I really want to, Da. I promise ye…”
“Jamie lad,” Brian interjected, placing his hand over Jamie’s as he drummed his nervous fingers against the smooth tabletop, “if there is one thing of which I’m certain, it’s that ye did everything in your power to care for Claire. Now, the truly important question is; what do ye both plan to do next?”
“I’m going to marry her, as soon as possible.” Jamie said, his voice clear as he nodded and swallowed. His eyes were wide and bright, alight with calm certainty as Brian reached into the top drawer of the desk.
“Then ye need a ring. I think I have the perfect thing for ye to offer her.”
Placing her hands on her back, Claire thrust her shoulders out and cracked her spine. She ached from spending too much time in bed, and the throb in her muscles had forced her up. Pacing the length of the floor, she walked up and down in front of the fire, keeping herself warm as she hummed to the babe. Her ribs were still a little sore from the bandaging but it felt good to know that she didn’t have hide anymore.
“You would have been too big soon,” she cooed to her belly as she flopped into the rocking chair that lay near to the window.
It was dark now. The stars brightly shone in the night sky, the last vestige of light outside. Tucking her feet under her bottom, Claire stared out of the window into the speckled grey night. She could see the trees swaying in the breeze, their steely coloured leaves rustling with each gust.
She was so relaxed that she failed to notice the door as it slowly opened. Jamie smiled widely as he watched her rocking, her eyes half closed as she ran both of her hands over her abdomen. She looked so beautiful in that moment that he wished there were a way for him to capture the moment forever.
“You can come in you know,” she whispered when she noticed him hovering in the doorway, “you don’t have to hide, I promise.”
Jamie could hear the apology in her tone, and although she didn’t actually say ‘I’m sorry’, he could tell that’s what she meant. She’d been hiding herself for so long, but Ellen and Brian had gone to such lengths to ensure that she felt accepted and protected that she’d finally allowed herself to feel positive about the future. A future that would contain Jamie *and* her-their- baby.
“I meant it, ye know,” Jamie said, entering and closing the door behind him to give them some privacy, “what I proposed earlier.”
“I know,” Claire replied, her heart beating double time at the memory. “But how…when?”
“Soon, tomorrow…now, if ye wished.”
“Aye, Claire, before.”
“But everyone would already know that I’m-”
“I ken that well, Claire,” Jamie said, breaking their constant stream of conversation with a knowing look, “but it would mean that the bairn would be legitimate. He -or she- would bear my name. Our name. Aside from that, I dinna care what anyone else has to say on the matter. I love you, Claire. That’s all that matters, that and the safety of the child.”
Claire nodded, tears flooding her eyes as she made to stand. Jamie, sensing her need for comfort, rushed to her side and knelt at her feet, stopping her from moving too far as he laid his head in her lap and sighed.
“Ask me then, Jamie. Ask me properly…” Claire whispered, her fingers running through Jamie’s hair even as he raised his head to look up at her.
Fumbling in his pockets he searched for the box his father had presented to him. Pulling out the velvet casing, he pried open the lid and held up the silver-laced ring as he shifted onto one knee.
“Will ye,” he began, his chest vibrating with nerves as he breathed in deeply through his nose. “Claire, marry me?”
Bending forward as far as she could, Claire balanced herself so that she could just about place her forehead against Jamie’s, her hands wrapping around his as he held the precious ring box tightly.
Would you please continue "Renewed"? You cannot possibly leave us in the lurch before the wedding - that's downright cruel ;-) Thank you in advance ladies- I'm looking forward to your stories every single day!
lindseyylu17 submitted to imagineclaireandjamie More Renewed please!!!!!!
may we have more “Renewed”- now that they are finally married? How will their life together pan out - at this age surely not such an easy adaption. Perhaps a totally unexpected pregnancy?? That would be great- and thank you so much for your daily effort to bring us happiness. It’s greatly appreciated! Keep up the good work.
Despite his protests, Colum had kept him late. There’d been a specific job Colum had wanted completed by the end of the day and Jamie, it seemed, was the only one capable enough of completing said task.
Claire’s mystery sickness had been sitting heavy in his mind and heart all night and Colum’s insistence that he stay had only increased the feeling of trepidation. She’d had her appointment earlier in the day and he’d hoped that she might call him with news. Of course, knowing Claire’s insistence that he wouldn’t ever contact him at work unless it was an absolute emergency, she’d be holding up at home waiting to tell him the news.
It wasn’t a long task, and before he knew it he’d clocked off and was racing through the icy streets home. The ground was still coated in a wee smattering of snow, and his workbooks slid along the slick pavement as he jogged down the small cycle path that ran alongside the Clyde. The feeling grew heavier with each step he took, the same thoughts running through his head. It hadn’t been something terrible – she hadn’t called.
Though what if it was? What if something was desperately wrong?
A/N: Last part you guys. Thank you to everyone who has read, liked, reblogged and commented, you all rock. This has been my first attempt at SoA fanfiction, I loved writing this, so there will definitely be more. Special thanks to my beta @thorne93. She is amazing and i suggest you go check out her blog.
“I’m sorry lassie, I love you so much” Fillip said with the same love and passion in his eyes that had been there since day one.
“Then why are you leaving me” you forced out. You felt as if your throat was closing up and at the same time you eyes stung from the salty tears that where leaving them. He looked pained as he saw your now blood shot eyes and heard your practically trembling voice.
“It’s because I love you that I can’t be with you sweetheart, you have to understand. It’s not safe for you…if you stay with me your going to end up dead” by this point his voice was breaking and he couldn’t hold back the tears any longer than he had been already. The sight of this only making you cry harder with new hot tears rushing down your face as the pain in your chest grew with intensity.
“Please don’t leave me Fillip, I may as well be dead if you’re not here every night when I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up” shaking his head he stood and you follow his actions trying to reach out for him but he grabs you hand.
“I can’t risk your life love, I won’t” and with that he takes a step towards you as you sobbed, taking a hold of both sides of your face before placing one last kiss on your forehead before spinning round and leaving your home. As he goes you stumble to the kitchen table for support unable to believe what has just happened.
You weren’t expecting it. It was just like any other day, you had gotten up to make breakfast for yourself and Tig and you ate breakfast together before going your separate ways, him to the clubhouse and you to work. Work was the same old same old but when you arrived home you found Tig with tears running down his face, his checks raw from the salty tears.
“Tiggy, baby, what’s wrong?” You say with your voice full of concern as you drew nearer but you vault when you see his body pulling away from yours.
“I can’t do this any more doll, I’m falling apart … going off the rails” your eyebrows furrow together as he says this refusing to make eye contact with you.
“What? What are you talked about Alex?”
“Every since Dawn died, I haven’t been the same. It’s messed with my head I don’t know what to do! I can’t be around you where I’m like this, I can’t!” Your chest tightens as the realisation hits you. You scan the room to find a duffle bag sitting on the coffee table and your head spins.
“You’re leaving me?” with your voice cracking mid sentence the room is left silence allowing the tension time to grow. He finally brings his red stained eyes up to meet yours and you are instantly crying. Unable to stop the flood of salted tears which escape your eyes.
“I’m sorry, I can’t put you through this-”
“THATS NOT YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE!” You scream at him suddenly making him jump in surprise. “You can’t decide what’s best for me” you say your voice very different this time almost a whisper but showing only pure and raw emotion as you spoke.
“I’m sorry” and that’s all he said before he crossed the room to grab hold of his duffle bag and he left. All he could say was sorry because you knew that he loved you and you understood how hard it must have been for him to leave you because of what was going on inside his head. Despite this, you where still left as a quivering mess on the sofa for the next few days. Your body unable to cope with the withdrawal of the one stung you haven’t had to live without before, Alexander Trager.
You hadn’t believed them when they told you that Juice was a coward that he had betrayed the club, you defended him repeatedly and refused to believe that your best friend was telling the truth. Chibs tried to warn you that he might bolt, that he might leave suddenly because of the pressure of the club had on him. That was you didn’t believe him when until he drove you home to an empty house. Juice was supposed to be here, he was supposed to be cooking dinner. That’s what he had told you.
“Juice!” You shout walking into the dark house expecting him to maybe had gone for a nap maybe a shower. But the over whelming feeling that he left flooded your body. “You here?” You ask with a shaky voice while you frantically checked the rooms, chibs following behind you as you ran upstairs. You check e every room but when you get to your own you stop dead in your tracks.
“I’m sorry lassie” Fillips voice offers comfort but you can’t help the tears that flood from your eyes at the sight of the room. Half of the closet had been emptied, all of Juan’s things. You could tell he had left in a rush and you hated him for not even saying good bye. Spinning round you throw your arms around Chibs and he instantly pulls you into his body holding you tightly.
“He left me” you sobbed into Chibs shoulder unable to believe that Juice hadn’t even told you about any of this. “I hate him! I hate him for doing this to me!” You say and Chibs soothes you and comforts you because he knows all to well how it feels to loose someone you love.
You knew it was coming Happy wasn’t the type to stay in relationships for very long, he didn’t let himself. You knew that he loved you but you also knew that he would never stay with you, that he wouldn’t let himself.
“What are you doing” you ask your voice holding no emotion as you watched him pack a bag.
“I can’t do this shit anymore baby” you close your eyes as he says this. “I not good enough for this life, go to work, come home to a house where my girl is cooking dinner for me and loves me with everything she has” that hurt you because it hit home with you.
“I do love you with everything I have” you state. The house is silent and he stops packing. He refused to make eye contact as he always does when he leave, he had done this many times before and always came beach but every time you knew he might never come back. Zipping up the he grabs hold of it and stands moving towards you, standing only centimetres in front of you.
“I love you with my everything and that will never change but I can’t do this” you nod your head as you felt the tears dripping down your cheeks. He looked like he was going to cry himself as he leaned down an kissed your lips tenderly. The he left again. He didn’t look back just walked straight down the stairs and out the door, minutes later you could her his motorbike and you where left crying.
( sorry that these where just little short ones, I just did them quickly today while I was in school )
Requested by @littlecarowrites Takes place in Into Darkness. The reader goes into the reactor instead of Jim, leaving a very desperate Scotty behind.
Warnings: Slight Spirk? I think?
Word Count: 1,289
A/N: This will probably be my worst one so far.
“One day I’ve been of this ship! One bloody day!” the engineer’s voice would have echoed in the starship’s corridors if she wasn’t falling apart.
Evacuation protocols initiated
“There won’t be time for evacuation if we don’t get power to stabilize the damn ship!” the engineer snapped at his captain.
“Can we restore it?”
“Only from engineering.”
Scotty looked like a man who was about to lose his baby, which was actually the truth in a way. But the ship wasn’t the only thing in his mind.
“[Y/N]…” Scotty’s brain was screaming over and over again. Where is she? Is she okay? I need to calm down, gotta find her…“
“Scotty we got to get the power back on! Come on!”
“Evacuate zhe ship!” the familiar Russian accent was heard among the chaos.
Everything was a blur. One moment you have been trying to make an escape with Pavel, the other you have been grabbing onto your friends for their lives.
When his feet was on the not so safe ground. Scotty pulled you into a hug. “Oh [Y/N], lassie. I am so relieved you are alright.”
Before you could answer the ship shook and nearly knocked you all to the ground.
“Even if we get to the warp core we’ve still got to redirect the power!”
“What are you talking about?” you could tell that Jim was panicked even more. You grabbed his arm and squeezed it.
“Someone has to hit the manual override, Jim.” you said and Scotty butted in, turning to Pavel.
“Laddie, there’s a switch-”
“Behind the deflector dish! I’ll flip zhe switch!”
Was it the adrenaline rush or the fear of death? You didn’t know. But you found the courage to take Scotty’s hand in yours and ran behind the captain.
Core misaligned, danger.
“Oh, no no no no!”
Scotty pulled away from you reluctantly and started to type furiously. “The housings are misaligned! There’s no way we can redirect the power.” he turned to you and Jim. “The ship’s dead sir, she’s gone.”
You made eye contact with Jim and saw the wheels in his brain turning at the same time as yours. Your eyes also widened at the same time. “No, she’s not.” he said and started running.
“Jim wait! Let me help you!” you shouted and started running after him.
“Wait, guys!” you heard Scotty’s terrified voice behind you. “Please, stop Monty.” you screamed inside your head but he seemed to do the opposite.
“If we go in there we’ll die you hear me? The radiation will kill us! Will you listen to me?” he screamed.
You wrapped your arms around his torso to stop him from getting to Jim “What the hell are you doing?”
He was beyond scared right now and the way you were acting did not help at all. You did not know how you were feeling. A mixture of fear and confusion maybe. But you knew one thing. You did not want Montgomery to die.
He deserved better than that.
“I’m opening the door. I’m going in.” Jim’s voice came through your ears making you release Scotty and turn to Jim in panic. “No, not you!” the voice inside your head shouted.
“That door is there to stop us from getting irradiated! We’d be dead before we made the climb!”
When you heard the word “dead” fall from his lips your blood turned cold and you made eye contact with Jim. You did not want him to die. You did not want anyone to die. Not the man who has been your friend since your Academy years and definitely not the man you love.
“I’m sorry.” you whispered while still looking at Jim.
“You’re not making the climb.” and with that Jim punched Scotty through your shoulder which made you let out a small shriek. You watched him buckle Scotty up.
You had to act quick. Before Jim could even see it your knee came in contact with the captain’s abdomen and after that you backhanded him across the cheek. When he hit the ground you quickly placed him right next to Scotty, thanking Bones because of the self defense classes he made you take.
Before throwing yourself in to fix the core, you kneeled in front of Scotty and pressed a gentle first and final kiss onto his lips.
“I’m so sorry…”
“Engineering to bridge. This is Captain Kirk.” tears flowed from Jim’s eyes freely. “Spock. Get down here.”
The slight tremble in his captain’s voice was all it took for Spock to get up and rush to engineering.
Red puffy eyes. Wet cheeks. Shallow breathing. It was a sight he did not want to see.
When the Vulcan stopped in front of him with his hands behind his back, Jim shook his head. Not being able to keep it in anymore he placed his head on Spock’s shoulder and started weeping.
With his head out of the way, Spock saw Scotty’s slumped figure. What he did not expect to see was your limp body, seperated from them by the glass.
“The door is locked.” came Jim’s whisper. Spock put a hand to his shoulder, leading him slowly forward. There they could see their friend more clearly. Spock couldn’t help but let a tear escape at the sight of you.
“Don’t cry, Monty. It’s okay.” the strain in your voice made Scotty’s lip tremble. The tears did not seem to stop. It made your heart break.
“Please, Monty. Don’t cry. You must understand. I could not let any of you die.” It was hard to breathe but it was harder to see your friends and the man you love cry for you. “You guys became my family. When I had nowhere else to go. I want you to be happy.”
“How am I supposed to be happy without you?”
Scotty’s voice raised and he pressed his forehead to the glass. “Dammit, lassie I cannae live without you.” the sight of his tears falling down made your heart ache.
“I love you [Y/N].”
Your eyes widened and you felt your own tears streaming down your face.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.” he chanted like a mantra. Jim’s weeping got louder and he fell onto his knees, bringing Spock with him.
You knew you didn’t have much time. You could no longer feel your legs and your mind was starting to go numb. So with all the strength you have left, you placed your hand where Scotty had placed his head on the glass and smiled.
“And I love you Montgomery Scott.”
With one last tear escaping your eye. Your hand fell and you stopped breathing.
“Well if it isn’t [Y/L/N].”
“It’s nice to finally meet you.”
“Could you even do something right?”
“We’re friends… right?”
“Get out! I don’t want to see your pathetic face!”
“I love your smile, lassie…”
The sudden brightness made your vision blurry but after blinking a few times, you saw your grumpy friend dressed in white.
“Welcome back, [Y/N].“
“How?” you were still on a daze, trying to understand what happened.
“That is a story for another time, kid.” Bones dropped his PADD. “You have a visitor.”
Bones walked away, letting you see a nervous looking Scotty, who walked towards your bed. After a moment of silence the first one to speak was Scotty.
“Jim wanted me to tell you that your slap still hurts like a bitch.”
You couldn’t keep it in anymore. You let out a laugh and tears started to flow freely just as Scotty too started crying. He leaned down, careful not to hurt you and pressed a hard kiss on your lips.
Not my gif. Gif credit goes to the amazing creators!
Requested By: Anonymous.
I just saw your post, so I hope it’s okay to request. I would love to read something with Fili. Maybe Fili getting jealous of someone else flirting with the reader and him making the reader a courting braid later.
A/N: Of course it’s okay to request! You can request anything as long as you’ve read the rules and if the requests are open, sweetie! I would love to make this imagine, I really love writing Fili stuff; he’s pretty much my favourite dwarf. haha! I hope that you enjoy what I’ve come up with, lovely: And send in as many requests as you would like. (Sorry if it get’s shitty half way through, I really tried my best with it, anon: And I hope that you really, really like it. It was a pleasure for me to write such an imagine!) - Kat
Word count: 1,754
Warning’s: Reader is drunk and dancing in the bar at Lake Town, jealous Fili, protective Fili, fluffy Fili, cute Fili, possessive as hell Fili. A really bad fight between Fili and the reader, but they make up in the end. Courting Braid! Probably heaps of spelling, punctual and grammatical mistakes.(If I have missed anything then please let me know).
Disclaimer: I do not own Fili, Bilbo, The Company or Lake Town (unfortunately); but Tolkien does!
Midnight’s moon swayed and strutted loosely over the cheerful chatter that was Lake Town. Mimicking; swinging just like the moon, your hips fluctuated to the lively tune supplied by a man with a fiddle. Guffawing blared from your extensive ajar lips, a pint of ale accompanying you; soothing you of each and every one of your troubles. “Those are some gorgeous moves, if I were to say so for m'self, lass.” a deep tone vibrated into your eardrums, leaving you dizzy as you spun to face whom in which had uttered the bold compliment.
“You recon?” a quirk of your delicate brow sent shivers through the dashing man.
“I recon as swell as I can eye a lovely lassie such as yourself!”
“Such an attempt at flattery shall get you nowhere, kind sir.” you winked, humor spreading fondly upon your complexion.
From across the rundown bar, Fili stared at your whimsy fluctuating hips with a sense of alluring desire. He had not witnessed such a side to you, even with the flirtatious advancements he’d pursued upon you. ’It’s probably just the ale getting to her head.’ he thought humorously, his heart stirring vividly within his strong chest. Though, melancholy captured him as he took in the grinning man, obviously making flirtatious verbal advancements upon you. His heart seemed to sink to a lower level, dampening his cheerful state as he saw in which the way you giggled and responded. There was obviously something going on, and Fili did not approve.
sometimes I have a hard time separating canon stuff from what I’ve read in fanfic. So I decided to make a list of things about Lassi that I *think* are canon, as of early Season 7, which is where I’m at. (also it’s off the top of my head so it’s in no way exhaustive… feel free to add to it or correct me)
attended a Catholic school as a child (Irish background)
Father was emotionally distant and often absent
as a result, young Carlton spent almost all his weekends at Old Sonora, an old west reenactment “tourist trap” outside of Santa Barbara, and developed a close relationship with the sheriff, who was a father figure to him (and called him “Binky.”)
His mother (who calls him “Booker” - middle name?) is in a long-term relationship (married?) with a black woman named Althea. Their relationship with Carlton is a bit rocky?
Used to figure skate
Wrestled in high school
Drinks his coffee with 3 creams, 4 sugars (though I think at one point he starts drinking black? or was that in a fanfic..). Also a fan of delicious flavor (drank a pineapple smoothie in one episode, anyway).
Loves fishing, but loves skeeball even more
Loves/knows a lot about cars
Loves guns the MOST! Has won awards for sharpshooting
also loves Clint Eastwood a LOT, and his favorite film is Heartbreak Ridge (possibly). This is the primary interest he shares with his wife Marlowe (who left out the bathroom window after they first met, and who he ended up having to arrest, though he waited for her to complete her sentence).
seriously, he really loves his guns, and he has lots of them
Was a rookie cop (with a bad mustache) the same year that Henry arrested Shawn for stealing
Can be sexist at times but also loves & shows respect for women
for example, his partner, O’Hara (who he would kill/die for, and confesses when he thinks he’s dying is the best partner he’s ever had), and Chief Vick (even though he aspires to being Chief himself).
Seems to want children but has also shown dislike for them.
Was separated from his wife Victoria (presumably due to him putting his job before her) for two years before they were divorced. He was still obsessed with her during the separation but also had a short-lived relationship with his partner Lucinda Barry (before Shawn let the cat out of the bag and Barry transferred). In the end, signed the divorce papers without putting up a fight.
Has a younger sister he adores who idolized him (until Shawn showed her he’s a fallible dork). But they still have a good relationship.
O- blood type (?)
Cares about his appearance and either genuinely has good self-esteem or is good at acting like he does.
but cares way more about truth, justice, and upholding the LAW.
Makes no secret of his contempt for Shawn Spencer’s “psychic” act, but also doesn’t put up much of a fight when it actually comes to working with him (anymore) because he knows at the end of the day Shawn closes cases (and “astounds” Carlton in the process). Will drop pretty much everything to come when Shawn calls or when he’s in trouble.
*APPARENTLY AMAZING IN BED W/ INCREDIBLE STAMINA
Was a member of the Anti-Glee club in high school with a guy named Stumpy
added thanks to reblogs… can’t believe I left this out:
HUGE Civil War buff/leads local re-enactments
reiterate: PROTECT JULES AT ALL COSTS
kind of an attention whore…. likes seeing himself in the paper and becomes even more of a dork in front of the camera than he already is (though also can be well-spoken).
The creepy and kooky Lurch! (I’m sure you might have expected Gomez, but I’m more into his and Morticia’s relationship than the man character himself. What can I say? I like ‘em tall, dark, and gruesome!) XD
My big, winged, monster man, Goliath!!! *swoon*
Maes Hughes! Because funny, loving fathers are sexy as fuck! Especially in a uniform…
Ah, the cool mamma Kyoya! (yes, I have a glasses kink) 8D
Sherlock Holmes (or pretty much any role Benny-boo touches!) ^-^
Timothy Omundson as any of his roles, but especially Detective Lassie!!! (I love Shawn and Gus, too. Can I haz all 3 plz?)
And of course, who could forget the mysterious Jareth?
Do a Seinfeld impression. Did you start it with “What’s the deal with ___?” Of course you did. That’s his whole bit. Seinfeld coined the line early in his standup career as a means to ridicule life’s banality, which he then parlayed into a comedy series, which he then parlayed into more money than God’s accountant (c'mon, you know that guy is skimming).
But no, in his nearly 40 years of standup, Seinfeld has never started a joke with “What’s the deal with ___?” So why can you picture it so clearly? There’s good reason for the confusion. Seinfeld did say those words, but as a parody of bad observational comedy. He first uttered the infamous phrase onSaturday Night Live in 1992. In the sketch, Seinfeld hosts a game show, and contestants are asked to explain “the deal with” various comedy cliches, such as airline food, 7-11 employees, and Gilligan’s Island.
The sketch was meant to lampoon the dozens of pastel-blazer-clad hacks who began lurking around comedy clubs in the wake of Seinfeld’s success. Seinfeld also used the phrase as a self-referential bit on his sitcom, like when his character purposefully tanked his set with jokes like “What’s the deal with cancer?” The problem was that the parody worked too well – we all crossed it up in our minds, and now only remember Seinfeld as the kind of hack he mocked.
So this conversation happened and later someone
suggested that some fanfic on the topic would be nice. So here is my
contribution to a Claire novella, prequel to Outlander style. It’s slightly
angsty because…well…have you met me?! Enjoy @westerhos and everybody else!
“Nurse Randaaaaaaall!” The Matron yelled at the
distance and I jumped from the berth where I had collapsed, scarcely five
minutes before, after spending the entire night doing an inventory with Nurse
Crochet. Well, actually she was called Nurse Armistead, but she seemed to spend
every waking hour, when she wasn’t inspecting my work and criticizing my
sutures, doing an assorted array of crochet and macrame, and so I thought the
name really suited her abilities.
It was my second week in Pembroke hospital, but
it might as well be my second year. I had gone there knowing that work would be
hard and demanding – the war was growing in brutality with each passing day and
the wounded arrived relentlessly – but the reality exceeded my worst
I considered myself a capable person, of a
practical nature – how could I not be, after all those years with Uncle Lamb,
living in deserts and jungles alike across the world? I was prepared for blood,
guts and other fluids of the human body. But I wasn’t ready for people.
My first days in the hospital proved to be a
trial of resistance and patience. The senior nurses had few gentle words to
spare with the apprentices and the learning curve was to be fast and steady.
Error wasn’t tolerated – an error could cost a life or the waste of good
resources. I had so much to learn and no-one seemed inclined to waste time
teaching me. But I had the will to learn and so I pushed on, trying to learn for
myself. In my darkest moments I thought my efforts futile and wondered if I
really had any business being there.
The rivalry between the junior nurses was
another issue. Most girls were eager to prove themselves the best new trainee,
the most aspiring nurse and gossip floated around our quarters each night.
I tried to stay away from trouble, but it turns
out trouble seemed to find me with the aim of a bullet. Two nights prior to my
evening spent with Nurse Crochet, I was engaged in the task of sorting and
washing bandages. I was sweating heavily from the heat of the pan where I was
scalding some linen, dreaming of a cold beer under the shade of the olives in
Greece, when Nurse Bryant came to me.
“Nurse Randall.” She smiled. “I’m about to go
for a short leave. Do you think you can give this to Captain Chambers later
today? It’s the answer to a letter I helped him write.” She added in a
confidential tone, showing me a yellow envelope. “Poor man, I think it’ll lift
his spirits a little to read it.”
“Sure.” I answered, smiling back to her.
Captain Chambers was a well-mannered and gallant member of the 50th
Northumbrian who was placed under our care, after suffering a gunshot to the
arm. He was quite popular with the nurses, making everybody laugh in his
And so later that day I delivered the note to
Captain Chambers while changing his dressings. He looked at me with a surprised
look and opened the letter. As soon as he started reading it he turned red, his
cheeks alive like the Canadian flag.
“Nurse Randall…” He babbled. “I’m very honoured
by your attentions, a lovely lady as yourself…very very lovely indeed…but I was
led to believe you were happily married?” He said, slightly stuttering. “This
is highly inappropriate…”
The Matron happened (how fortunate!) to be
passing by at that exact moment and noticing the disturbance in Captain Chamber’s
complexion, fished the letter out of his hands. Her eyes quickly travelled through
“Nurse Randall, to my office!” She barked. I
followed her, bewildered by the events, but fairly sure that Nurse Bryant had
used me as a courier of an indecent proposal to Captain Chambers.
“Is this yours?” Matron Azalea asked, putting
the note in front of me eyes, an odour of cheap cologne streaming from it. “I
doubt that it is. I just need to know who wrote this piece of…of…” She pressed
her limps in anger. “This behaviour won’t be tolerated in my ward!”
I answered her with silence. I was fairly mad
with Nurse Bryant, but wasn’t about to make my life even harder by snitching.
“Don’t you have nothing to say to me, Nurse
Randall?” She added. “Think about your husband. If word of this get out, what
would he think?”
My heart gripped at the thought of Frank. Even
though we had been apart only for two weeks, I missed him dearly, our
separation made even harder by the knowledge that it was bound to be a long
one. What would he think? Well, at least he would know that my taste in perfume
was better than that…
I waited for my punishment with my head held
high, feeling that Pembroke Hospital might actually be worse than the boarding
school I had managed to avoid during my childhood.
“Very well.” The Matron said, her nostrils
flaring. “Since there is no reason to believe this improper behaviour has been consummated,
I’ll let you go with a reprimand added to your file and extra duties as I see
fit. You can start day after tomorrow aiding Nurse Armistead.”
I nodded gracefully and left her office, hell-bent
on revenge. But my plotting was stalled by the arrival of a truck full of
wounded officers, and I spent the next long hours sponge bathing them, mud and
blood seared in my nose.
After a long night assisting Nurse Crochet
while she did inventory of medical supplies, her pace approaching that of an
aging turtle, I was honestly dreading the task Matron Azalea was about to
bestow upon me.
“Nurse Randall!” The Matron greeted me, her
eyes quickly inspecting the state of my hair and uniform. Luckily she had given
me enough warning with her screams, so I was presentable enough. “You are to
keep company to Private Andrews, poor man. See what you can do to ease him.”
Private John Andrews was a kind and young man,
aged nineteen, who came to Pembroke to die from consumption. I had seen him lying
in bed, his eyes fixed on the empty white sealing, while I went about my tasks.
It seemed that the next of my punishments was to watch him fade away.
“Private Andrews.” I said, trying to present a
benevolent smile. “How are you today?”
“As well as can be expected, I supposed.” He
said, and I noticed he had a scottish accent. “I’m sae sorry, but I dinna
recall yer name Nurse.”
“I’m Nurse Randall.” I said, sitting on the
chair next to the bed. “Is there anything I could do for you?” I asked softly.
“Aye.” He whispered. “I’d be grateful if we
could…talk, ye ken. I miss talking to someone.”
“Okay.” I answered. I could do it. Talking was
within my expertise. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Ye could tell me a story, aye?” He said, a
weak smile on his lips. “Something good.”
“I have plenty of those.” I said, feeling more
confident. And so I told him stories of my past, of my travels and people I’d
met. I told him about ancient civilizations and weird costumes of people far
far away. I told him about how big the world was, but how much one could miss
having a home.
He seemed comforted by my tales, his emaciated
face relaxing, sometimes even looking blissful. Sometimes I’d think him asleep,
but as soon as I stopped talking he turned his head and nodded or made small
noises of encouragement.
“Can you tell me something about yourself?” I
asked the next evening, after finishing a story about an oracle I had met in
“I’m from Inverness.” He said. “Have ye been to
“Yes.” I smiled, joyful and electric memories
flooding my brain. “Actually I spent my honeymoon there. Just two days, but it
was quite remarkable.”
“Ah.” He had a coughing attack and I held him
through it, the handkerchief he was holding stained with blood. He breathed
fast and laboriously for a while and I thought he was too weak to speak, but
eventually his soft voice reached me.
“I loved a lassie.” He whispered. “She was sae bonny,
her hair was fair as a daisy and her eyes were blue and deep like the lake I
used to fish in.”
“Oh.” I said, waiting for the rest of the
story. He coughed a little more.
“I dinna think I was worthy of her, ye ken?
Every lad wanted her attentions, some with much more to offer her, aye?” He
licked his chapped lips. “When our paths crossed I used to smile to her, but
never stopped or said anything.”
I didn’t quite understand how one could love
someone without ever speaking to them, but I knew enough of the world to
realize that love seldom made any sense at all.
“When I enlisted, I searched for my lassie.” He
said. “I wasna going to say anything, I just wanted to see her one last time,
aye? I found her in the square. I walked past her and brushed my arm against
hers and she said “Hello, John.”” He
shook his head. “I dinna want to believe she actually kent who I was!”
“It seems to me she had noticed you, as much as
you noticed her.” I said smiling. He looked at me, his green eyes big in an
“I stood there just looking at her, making a
fool of myself.” He said, biting his lip. “She smiled to me, waved and went away.
I missed my chance.” A tear streamed down his face. “I never kissed a lass. I
could have kissed her goodbye! She was just there… And I did nothing!” Emotion
caught in his throat awaking a new coughing fit.
“And now I’ll never kiss a lass.” He whispered,
closing his eyes. “But at least ye’re here, Nurse Randall.”
That was the moment when I understood. Maybe I
would never learn how to sow as quickly as the Matron, how to treat colic, how
to introduce a syringe in the muscle inflicting the minimum of pain, how to be
friends with the other nurses. But I had a purpose – my mere presence could
keep pain at bay and offer relief. I could make a difference just by being
there. There was nobody else to tell a story to Private Andrews and to mourn
with him the lass he hadn’t kissed.
And so I held his hand throughout the darkest
hours of night and when Death came for him I kissed him goodbye.