i love drunk joe

  • me: *walks into an audition
  • me: Hi I'm Amanda I'll be doing a monologue for you today
  • me: It's the summer of 2001; Joe meets Patrick and he's like "Yo, I know about music." and Patrick's like "Yo, I know more about music."
  • "That's impossible..Do you want to start a band?" and Patrick's like "Yeah that's cool." and then he's like "Yo this is a bookstore this is not a music store."
  • And then they met at Patrick's house. So Patrick is wearing shorts, and socks, and a hat. Patrick is playing drums for some f***ing reason, and Pete's there for some reason. And they start playing together, and they're like "Oh, let's play some covers from some other bands."
  • It was like Green Day, and f**in' Misfits, and f***in' Ramones. Pete said to Joe, "Yo, we gotta change this s** up. Yo we've played all these bands, let's play some s*** from Fall Out Boy."
  • And so Pete and Patrick are like "Yo, that's dope, but we need a f***in' drummer."
  • Because Patrick's playing drums, and he's a singer. Patrick's like "Yo, I got a soul voice." , and they're like "Wait how do you have a soul voice?" And he's like "Yo, watch this: YeEEEEEEEEEEeeeeAAAAAHHHHhaaaHHHEEaaH!"
  • And they're like "Oh my God, that sounds like soul." So they put it in a song, and it was like "WHERE IS YOUR BOY TONIIIIiIIIIIiiiiIIIIiiiiiiiiGHT?"
  • And they're like "Yo, that's f***ing perfect, this is Fall Out Boy."
  • And they made records like Evening Out with Your Ex-Girlfriend. Evening Out With Your Ex-Girlfriend, everybody loves it.
  • "It's called Evening Out With Your Girlfriend."
  • With your ex-girlfriend. It's called Evening Out With Your EX-Girlfriend. It's called Eating Out Your Girlfriend, and it's real and it doesn't matter.
  • And Pete talked to Patrick and Joe, and he was like "Yo, what the Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu**? Yo, this is gonna be f***in' dooooooope!"
  • So they made a record, and it was called Take This To Your Grave. They made it without a drummer, and they had like three-four drummers come in. The four drummer they had come in were like Josh Freese, Neil Pert, the dude from Toto, the fourth one was like the guy from like Papa Roach or something, and they're like "Yo, we need Andy Hurley. Take This To Your Grave. F***in' record it."
  • And he did it, and he killed it, and he was like "bigidalilililililila, pshhh." Killin' the skins, tapping the skins, tapping the rim, playin' the s***, killin' these b****es, rapping it out.
  • You're getting a f**ing tattoo right now, what the f** is going on?
  • We should get signed by Fueled By Ramen, 'cause these guys know what the f*** is going on.
  • And they were like "Yo, if you can make our scene any bigger than it is, which is not f***in' hard, we will sign you guys."
  • Pete was like "Yo, we got this record that f***in' dooooooope, dude it's called Take This To Your Grave, it's called From under The Cork Tree, and it's gonna be f***in' huge."
  • And Patrick's like "I gotta keep it real, I gotta keep it artistic, these are three songs that are gonna make the album, and it's called [BURP] Thanks For The Memories, 20 Dollar Nosebleed, Sugar We're Goin' Down."
  • And they made this record that was f***in' dope, and it f***in' hit on the charts like one, two, three, three, two, one, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, ten to ONE. From Under The Cork Tree sold like four million records- ten million records, fifteen million records!
  • And Brendon Urie had nothing to do with the entire record. And Patrick's like "That's GOOOooooOOOOD!" Pete was like "Yo, f*** you, I can do whatever I want!"
  • Joe was like "Yeah, it's cool man, whatever, I don't give a s***." And then Andy was like "Eh, cool."
  • And Pete was like "Make-up is f***in' great for a guy. Because it makes a guy look beautiful, which a lot of times, a guy is not beautiful, and I wanna change that. I wanna make sure that everyone thinks that guys are beautiful."
  • SHUT THE F*** UP!
  • Oh f*** alright, alright.
  • Pete was like "Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed about this dick pic." And then I saw the dick pic, and was like "Ah, it's not bad."
  • It's not a bad dick, let's be real.
  • We made Rolling Stone one issue before Fall Out Boy. And Fall Out Boy made the issue right after us and they were so pissed, they were like "Yo f*** you guys!" They're like "Yo, Panic! has the f**in' cover for Rolling Stone yo, f** these dudes, we're gonna go miles above, we're gonna hit every f***in' continent there is known to man."
  • But they didn't, they missed a second of time. Apparently, they were like "Oh s***, we got every continent." And they didn't actually hit it. Dude, and Pete was like "WHAT THE F***? 'Oh it's like you didn't f**in' make the continent.,' it's like F** YOU!"
  • So From Under The Cork Tree happens, we f***in' have like three-four years of awesomeness. Like people are comin' on themselves 'cause it's so big.
  • Alright so Fall Out Boy was like-
  • So Patrick was like "Yo, we're gonna name these records From Under The Cork Tree and From Infinity On High ."
  • Pete was like "Folie a Deux means the theatric of two."
  • "The madness of two."
  • Oh, sorry, I'm sorry.
  • Fall Out Boy was like "Yo, we gotta take a break." Meaning, Pete was like "Yo, we gotta take a break, bro." and Patrick's like "I need time for my music. UHUHUHUHUH."
  • And Joe's like "Yo, I need time to find the f***in' art dude, I gotta find some me-metal."
  • And Andy's like "I'm just gonna play with some f***in' metal bands."
  • And they're like "Alright, this break's been like three years long-two years long-three years long-three and a half? We gotta f***in' come back, man, we gotta come back strong."
  • You took my beer away, what the f***?
  • "No, you poured it all over yourself."
  • "Yeah, you poured it on yourself, man, here."
  • "We gotta make this s*** legit, it's gonna be f**in' dope, it's gonna go f***in' sky high. We're gonna make a f***in' record that sails the skies. We're gonna call this record Save Rock And Roll."
  • So they made Alone Together, Light 'Em Up, Alone Together, Phoenix, and everybody's like "What the f***? You're working with this guy who f***in' recorded Avril Lavigne and P!nk."
  • Is this pu-what the f*** is on my shirt, did I puke myself? Oh God.
  • Pete was like "Yo, we're gonna end up on a tour with Panic! At The Disco and Twenty Pilots."
  • And that's all, and that's all that matters.And that's just how the f***in' story goes.
Southern Girl - Ch. 7 {Roman Reigns x OFC}

Author’s Note: It’s Ivy and Joe’s first road trip… and there’s mention of meeting the folks!

Warnings: Definitely smut. Daddy kink.

Word Count: 4,275 words

Chapter 6




Chapter 7: Well Hello, Professor

Morning came far too quickly for Ivy. Joe woke her up around 7:30 and she’d sleepily pulled on a simple black sundress before curling back up in the bed while Joe got ready. She must have fallen back to sleep because the next thing she remembered was being lifted in a strong pair of arms and cradled against a broad chest.

“You don’t have to carry me. I can walk,” she murmured sleepily, even as she nuzzled his throat like a little kitten. He tightened his hold on her, pulling her in closer to protect her from the early morning chill.

“I’m the one who kept you up half the night. I got you, baby,” he chuckled softly, kissing her temple.

Ivy grinned at the mention of their late night escapades that led well into the wee hours of the morning. The couple had come back to the hotel, ordered some room service, passed out and woken up sometime after midnight to ravage each other. He carried his little angel down to the SUV, gently loading her into the front seat and buckling her in. 

“Imma grab our stuff and go check out. Be right back, baby girl.”

Ivy yawned, a little smile on her face as she curled up a little. Little things that Joe did like that always got her and made her fall even harder for him. He came back to the car and climbed into the driver’s seat, turning the heat on.

“Starbucks?”

“Mmmm…yes please,” she murmured, leaning over to kiss his cheek. 

It took her a second to notice that he was wearing glasses and she gaped at him.  

“How did I not know that you wear glasses?”

Joe snickered as he drove towards the coffee shop.

“I usually wear'em when I’m traveling…or reading.”

"Just when I thought you couldn’t get any sexier, your ass goes and pulls Professor Roman outta the bag.”

“Professor Roman?” he asked, looking over at her incredulously.

“Mmhmm. Cause you still look like Savage Roman from last night but with those glasses, I just wanna ask you what it’ll take for me to get an ‘A’ in your class.”

Joe laughed his ass off at her statement. It always amazed him the way Ivy could go from almost shy to a sultry vixen who tempted him at every turn. 

“Gonna add that to my list of fantasies. We can act that one out in the library at my place.”

“You have a library in your house?”

The way she perked up at the mention of books was fucking adorable.

“I do. And I was thinking you should come… meet the family and all before Mania.” He glanced over at her to see her reaction. “We don’t have a pay per view in February. I was thinking that I take a day or two off after Raw on the 20th and we go to Pensacola.”

Ivy nibbled her full bottom lip as she looked over at her boyfriend. 

“You really want me to meet your family?”

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Tonights Remedy**

SMUT WARNING**

Drinks were being consumed at an alarmingly quick rate. You’re friends insisted that you go out with them, saying you needed a night to destress from your hectic work schedule. You had always been thankful for having such great friends who were able to pull you out of the rut you were having, tonights remedy was drunk dancing and cute boys. 

A few boys had bought you drinks throughout the night but they quickly got the hint that all though you were flattered, they weren’t your type. By the time the 4th not-your-type guy had offered to buy you a drink, you decided that your expectations were obviously too high and decided to call the night there. Rounding up your girl friends, you told them you were headed home which was followed by a few whines and “No Y/N you have to stay and dance with me!” but you were soon forgotten after another round of shots was placed on the table. 

You left the bar with the intent to walk home but quickly realized that wasn’t going to happen because 1) you were more drunk than you thought and 2) it was raining. Pouring actually. Cursing a bit as you walked under the awning shielding yourself from the torrential downpour you pulled out your phone. It was nearly 2am you discovered once your eyes were able to focus on the hazing numbers on the bright screen. You opened your contacts and scrolled through until you found the name thats been on your mind all night. Holding your breath you hit call and held your phone up to your ear.

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