i love cyprus

Good morning, folks! Today’s statistical map takes in sixty years’ worth of ESC data to determine each country’s mathematical all-time favourite country: i.e. the country to which it has awarded the most points in grand finals since 1956. (We shall have a look at the numbers including semi-finals at a later date. Some favourites are rather more predictable than others! I cannot look at this map without personifying the countries a little:

Most of Western Europe: Oh my god! It’s the UK!
Netherlands: Who cares? France is cooler.
France: Are you kidding? It’s home of the Beatles!
Germany: Rolling Stones!
Switzerland: Lulu and One Direction! Autograph please!
UK: Oh my god, guys, I’m trying to eat my dinner in peace. Why can’t you be cool, like Ireland?
Ireland: Cheers, fella. I like you too.

Sweden [watching from a distance:] Yeah, Ireland… is cool.
Norway: Don’t do it!
Sweden: So cool…
Denmark: I love you, Sweden! Even if you make fun of my Lego!
Sweden: That I think…
Finland and Hungary: *Glare silently*
Sweden: I’m going to give them my all-time twelve!
Iceland: Well, screw you then, Sweden! I’m going to give my twelve to our old colonial masters instead to spite you! Here, Denmark! Buy some more potatoes with this twelve!

Russia [watching from a distance:] Such a shame to see such division amongst brothers, isn’t it? I’d never expect any such behaviour from you, my dear friends.
Baltics [uneasily]: Don’t worry, Russia!
Georgia: No way! My points are going to Armenia!
Belarus and Armenia: Twelve points to you, Russia!
Ukraine: Sure… I guess I still like you.
Russia: I love you more than you can know!!
Azerbaijan and Poland: Us too, Ukraine!
Russia: Silence! We’re having a special moment, you nitwits!

[Countries of former Yugoslavia enter in a group hug, except Macedonia, who looks longingly at Albania who is sat next to Romania and Bulgaria looking longingly at Greece]
Greece: You always want to watch my dance! Anyhow, my all-time 12 goes to Cyprus! I love you, son!
Cyprus: I love you too, mam!
Moldova: Family comes first, doesn’t it, bro?
Romania: [watches Greece silently]

Meanwhile, in Iberia:
Spain: I don’t know why everyone loves those cabrones ingleses! The real deal is Germany! I love a bit of Dschingis Khan!
Andorra (squeaky voice): Lass ihn, Spanien! He’s no good for you.
Portugal: Help a sister out, Spain… I give you most of my points. You’re making me lament. Time for another fado!
Spain: GERMANY PLEASE!! Get me out of here! Don’t break my heart! T__T

Czechia: Another year, another masterpiece from the land of Dvořák cruelly ignored! I don’t know which of these ingrates to give points to.
Slovakia: Don’t know why you still bother, sis.
Czechia: Ok… Armenia! Come on, sis, who are you giving points to?
Slovakia: Malta, I guess.
Czechia: You always were so random o__O
Slovakia: Look who’s talking. What were you thinking with that shoe thing last year? o__O