Good morning, folks! Today’s statistical map takes in sixty years’ worth of ESC data to determine each country’s mathematical all-time favourite country: i.e. the country to which it has awarded the most points in grand finals since 1956. (We shall have a look at the numbers including semi-finals at a later date. Some favourites are rather more predictable than others! I cannot look at this map without personifying the countries a little:
Most of Western Europe: Oh my god! It’s the UK! Netherlands: Who cares? France is cooler. France: Are you kidding? It’s home of the Beatles! Germany: Rolling Stones! Switzerland: Lulu and One Direction! Autograph please! UK: Oh my god, guys, I’m trying to eat my dinner in peace. Why can’t you be cool, like Ireland? Ireland: Cheers, fella. I like you too.
Sweden [watching from a distance:] Yeah, Ireland… is cool. Norway: Don’t do it! Sweden: So cool… Denmark: I love you, Sweden! Even if you make fun of my Lego! Sweden: That I think… Finland and Hungary: *Glare silently* Sweden: I’m going to give them my all-time twelve! Iceland: Well, screw you then, Sweden! I’m going to give my twelve to our old colonial masters instead to spite you! Here, Denmark! Buy some more potatoes with this twelve!
Russia [watching from a distance:] Such a shame to see such division amongst brothers, isn’t it? I’d never expect any such behaviour from you, my dear friends. Baltics [uneasily]: Don’t worry, Russia! Georgia: No way! My points are going to Armenia! Belarus and Armenia: Twelve points to you, Russia! Ukraine: Sure… I guess I still like you. Russia: I love you more than you can know!! Azerbaijan and Poland: Us too, Ukraine! Russia: Silence! We’re having a special moment, you nitwits!
[Countries of former Yugoslavia enter in a group hug, except Macedonia, who looks longingly at Albania who is sat next to Romania and Bulgaria looking longingly at Greece] Greece: You always want to watch my dance! Anyhow, my all-time 12 goes to Cyprus! I love you, son! Cyprus: I love you too, mam! Moldova: Family comes first, doesn’t it, bro? Romania: [watches Greece silently]
Meanwhile, in Iberia: Spain: I don’t know why everyone loves those cabrones ingleses! The real deal is Germany! I love a bit of Dschingis Khan! Andorra (squeaky voice): Lass ihn, Spanien! He’s no good for you. Portugal: Help a sister out, Spain… I give you most of my points. You’re making me lament. Time for another fado! Spain: GERMANY PLEASE!! Get me out of here! Don’t break my heart! T__T
Czechia: Another year, another masterpiece from the land of Dvořák cruelly ignored! I don’t know which of these ingrates to give points to. Slovakia: Don’t know why you still bother, sis. Czechia: Ok… Armenia! Come on, sis, who are you giving points to? Slovakia: Malta, I guess. Czechia: You always were so random o__O Slovakia: Look who’s talking. What were you thinking with that shoe thing last year? o__O