i lost you

self-pity is okay


but don’t let it turn into self-loathing


there is a line you need to learn


where the two start to fade into each other


and i know, it’s hard, i’ve been there


but don’t cross it


there are no paths over there


no guidance, just detrimental thoughts


it’s so easy to get lost and buried by your own mind


left with no air or will to exist


it’s all taken away from you so easily


and it’s such a cold place


i don’t want you to be stuck there


i don’t want you to be lost


i want you to have hope

I was driving home today as I passed by all the places we used to go together. It was in the midst of our bittersweet memories when I realized I took you to all my favorite places.
All my favorite places that I can never return to again.
—  Everything reminds me of you

to this day, i still wonder how exactly the production for the 2012 lorax really went down. there’s not much record about it, at least that i could find, but honestly, looking at the earlier concepts, you can see that it was originally intended to be pretty different than what ended up on screen.

which by itself it’s pretty normal, of course. movies often change greatly from their original concept during production, sometimes retaining only the most basic set-up of what once was, but what i truly mean is that we know for sure that the lorax was, at one point, a movie that seriously considered including a rock opera villain ballad such as this

yet somehow the song intended for this exact same sequence ended up being. well. this 

and i just want to know what was lost in the transition there because in my opinion, there is no way that the cutesy and sickeningly cheery lorax that we know could have even intended to include a song like the first one in it. this belongs to a very different movie.

A Letter I Will Never Send

This is not a love letter.

This is me pouring out my love, not the kind you think of, the mushy gushy romanticized crap you want. No, this is raw, unadulterated affection for you and your soul.

For the purposes of this letter, I am going to disregard the fact that you are ignoring me and that we do not talk anymore. That is irrelevant. We have both argued, screamed, apologized, and cried to each other too many times to count. Even if we did still talk, I would be saying this to you, maybe in different words, but telling you all the same.

Since the very first day we became friends, you have been a constant in my life, a constant amidst the tumult and drama of high school. You listened to me and offered advice with your perspective that is so opposite mine. I love the way you live in the moment and risk the superficial things that I hold dear. Being your friend made me come to the profound realization that life is so much more than turning in homework on time and getting straight As. Because of you, if a friend needs me the night before a paper is due, I will be there for my friend (hopefully I wrote the paper ahead of time).

You were the glue that held my life together when I was on the brink of destruction. Everything in my world was falling apart, but you and your friendship remained. I took that for granted. You taught me the value of true friendship, even if it does not last. I hope that I meant something to you, that I somehow repaid in part what you had given to me in full.

To this day, I still look for you in the hallways and listen for your voice among the tenors in choir. Even when we see each other or talk, it is all superficial. We barely graze the surface of what once existed.

I hate superficiality.

After three years, how could we, how could I, throw it all away?

Losing your friendship has been a process more painful than any breakup. It feels as if someone has taken a part of me; there is a hole in my soul where you once were. As if the physical pain was not enough, the process of emotional detachment from you has been long and rocky. After weeks without thinking of you, a single song or a memory or a Bible verse makes me recall how much I care for you, still, after all this time.

You know more about me than any other person on this earth. And even though you leave me behind, you will carry pieces of me with you forever. Treasure them. I do not regret giving them to you, for I trust you will keep those pieces of me safe.

Life is too short to be silent about the ones we love. The other day, I was thinking about the people I will miss most in college, and as much as I love my friends, I will miss you the most. I already miss you. I suppose our separation is merely a preparation for what is to come.

This is not a cry for you to come back to me, nor an invitation for a pity party on my behalf. We both know that “us” would never have worked in our favor. I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me, and how much pain I am enduring as you ignore my snapchats and avoid eye contact. But still, this is not me trying to guilt you or regain your attention.

This is me telling you that I love you. Not as a boyfriend or as a lover or even as a friend. I love you as a person. You are so extraordinarily special, and I am blessed to have spent so much time with you as my best friend. I wish it did not have to end.

But alas, all good things come to an end, right?

as much as i hate admitting it to myself, i still do type your username on the search bar. i still remember your birthday and the way your blue eyes shine when you smile. i still wait for a someday where maybe we’ll cross paths again but deep down, i know someday doesn’t have a date. i still lay on the floor, listen to your song and feel my tears filter through the cracks of my broken heart. no one told me getting over someone would be so damn hard, if only you would’ve come with a warning sign…
—  i long for the day i won’t see you in my dreams anymore.
I’d rather stay in darkness than risk finding the light just to have it taken away. I’d rather stay down than stand back up and get knocked over. I’d rather be alone than fall in love with no one to catch me.
—  Misery is an old friend
I watched you as you sat next to me, but I couldn’t see you anymore. You were already gone and I just stared blankly as I wondered when did you even leave, when did you stop loving me.
—  Things I realized when I was drunk, part IV

euphoria

what was once real
turned to a memory
like my undying
love for you

i remember thinking
you were the only one
for me
and that
i was in love

i told everyone
i fell in love with
you
but i guess i was
stupid

because love isn’t real
it’s just a chemical
imbalance
telling you
that you just wanna fuck

funny isn’t it

you’ve said i love you
to people for years
and yet
it wasn’t true

you’ve said
i’ll love you forever
when someday forever
will be non-existant

funny how love
is equivalent
to so many
lies

funny isn’t it

how i’ve lost
sympathy
for those
broken hearted

because how can
your heart break
from love
if it’s not real

love is just
a moral dilemma
and i’m sorry
but you got yourself into this