i lost myself

title: lost and found
fandom: haikyuu!!
pairing: kenhina
word count: 7611
summary: kenma loves shouyou. the way he can talk about nothing for hours without needing a response, or the way he writes “i love you” with obvious care compared to the messy scrawl of his other words, or the way he always seems to know when kenma needs him the most. he figures he’ll have to wait until they’ve both graduated to meet each other, but it seems that fate has other plans.

in which kenma and shouyou both get lost and somehow end up finding each other.

(au where any marks made on your soulmate’s body also appear on your own)

here on ao3 and also below the cut!!

part of my haikyuu!! soulmates au (ao3 link)

Kenma’s first thought about his soulmate was that he was loud.

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“Wait…” Jace turned to look at where he just came from. This looked nothing like what he remembered. He had only moved in three days ago and the fact he couldn’t remember the way to the supermarket bugged him more than it should, for it meant he had to do one thing he still dreaded – “Excuse me.” Jace asked to the nearest person walking by him, smiling apologetically while he found the words to form the correct sentence. “I thought this was the road to the supermarket but I found myself lost already…”

I lost her.
The girl that lived within.
Where has she gone.
I need her to come back.
I need hope.
Will she return.
I can only pray she does one day.
I can’t believe I did it.
I lost myself.

Journal 2.11.16

So it has been a little while since I have written on here. I have had a very stressful few months and i’m not sure why i am even writing this on here but i am hoping maybe to help someone else going through something similar. 

I feel like sometimes i go through an identity crisis. Like i’m not really sure who I AM. I know that sounds kind of crazy. But i feel like i have lost myself. I have lost the fun loving person who just love life and all the adventures. I feel like my whole world is ending and that time is my enemy. I feel like most days are wasted time bc i feel as though i should be doing more. But there just aren’t enough hours in the day. 

Sometime it is really hard to live up to everyone’s expections when those are not your own. I just wish that one day i would be enough to someone. For them not to lie to me. Or give me false hope when i know in my gut that this is not what i need but something tells me to stay that this this where i need to be. 

Every ounce in my body is aching and telling me something i just don’t know what it is just yet. I want to believe you, I really do. But when you have had every single person that is close to you betray you. It is hard trust anyone after that. Especially with my love. 

Why can’t love be easy….black and white?? 

To me love is very gray……it’s the scariest thing for someone to see who you are behind the mask.

 Because then they know you. They know what sets you off. Or how you sit at home on the couch with your feet propped up….watching T.V. They know the faces you make when you are angry. They know what time you like to eat sleep bathe.They know how your eyes sparkle when you are truly happy so bad you can feel it in your whole body. It’s is just scary to let someone in who knows those things i guess.

I have recently been facing the hardest time inside my head of addiction. Its the hardest thing anyone should face. Being alone in this is the hardest part because no one knows just how fucked up I truly am. 

I feel mentally defeated. I wish that I could see what everyone else sees in me but I can’t. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and waking up pretending that I didn’t. I am tired of putting on a face of strength and convincing myself that I am strong when I feel so broken and weak.

I often sit with my pen and wonder why I am even bothering to write when so much of it is a lie. I have created a fallacy in order to survive but at what point does reality win? I have lost myself in my creation and the truth lies in the tears on the pillowcase that is dry by morning.

I wish that I did not hate myself and I wish that I could give myself the love that I have for others, but I can’t.  
“Worthless, fat, piece of shit”
“Burn yourself, fuck yourself up”
“Someone as repulsive and disgusting as you deserves to suffer”
Thoughts such as these become raw and real when I am alone with myself. They appear once I destroy the pages of my deception and sit with the person that is left on the floor. 

Tonight I sit with the question of what freedom is. What is freedom from thoughts? What is freedom from pain? What is freedom from what you have always known? I feel trapped by memories and suffocated by my current state of existence. My nails are gripped to the ground that has betrayed me but dirt is starting to fill my lungs. How am I supposed to make it up when there is no base below me to start from?

I grew up…I had my heart broken, hated my body and cried more times then I’d like to count, but here I am. I survived and I know I still have lots of growing up to do, but I think I can survive that too…