So this is a totally useless rant, but as a skinny girl, I’m getting extra, extra tired of fat-shaming.
I work for a corsetier at a Renaissance Faire. We sell corsets. Not flimsy bullshit costume corsets; like real, durable, waist-training corsets. Today a woman came in with her boyfriend, so I helped her pick out a corset and try it on. While her boyfriend—who was decidedly enthused about the whole corset thing—sat watching me lace her in, he told me, grinning, “Of all the good jobs at the Renaissance Faire, I think you have the best.”
I shrugged in agreement. “I touch butts and reach down cleavage all day; I mean…” Because we like to be a bit rakish at the Faire, and, y’know, it’s true. Tying people into corsets pretty much invariably requires getting handsy.
The couple laughed at that, and the boyfriend said, “That’s the job I would want!” But then he chuckled again and said, offhand, “Or maybe not; while we were looking at the racks, there were some pretty big sizes on there!”
Our sizes are all done in inches, and the biggest we make is a 46. And you’d better believe our large sizes sell. For a second I wasn’t sure what to say to the guy’s comment, but I answered him casually. “We get a lot of beautiful big ladies in here.” Because we do. “We make corsets for real women, not Barbie dolls,” I added. Wasn’t trying to be smart, just kind of tossed it out there because that’s the line we like to use when people ask about larger sizes, and because, again, we do.
The boyfriend went quiet at that; I didn’t think anything of it, I just kept on lacing. A moment later, he said, a little awkwardly (but sincerely enough), “Didn’t mean to be offensive.”
I quickly smiled and brushed it off, said he wasn’t, said I was just saying. (Don’t want to make the customers uncomfortable, you know?) And that was the end of it. His comment had rubbed me the wrong way, but it wasn’t a big deal. Now, I wear a 20-inch corset. I’m a few cup sizes short of being one of the Barbie dolls. Like his girlfriend, I’m one of the “hot chicks”; he doesn’t have to worry about offending me by implying that I wouldn’t be fun to poke and pull at.
Honestly though, of all the people I fit sexy technically-undergarments to in a day, fat girls are maybe my favorite people to lace up. Because they are just so damn happy that we have stuff that fits them. They are so damn happy that the corsets we make in their sizes are all the same pretty, shiny colors and cool flower/dragon/skull/etc. prints that the smaller corsets are, not ugly beige and boring “granny” colors. They are so goddamn happy that at least one (of several on the grounds) corset shop carries things that they can wear, that they actually want to wear, and that they look fucking awesome in. This is only my second season working, and we’ve fit 60+ inch waists and double-K busts. The only people we’ve ever had to tell sorry, we don’t have anything that fits them, are twelve-year-old kids.
It’s half-wonderful, half-heartbreaking how excited those women get. Women who say with sad smiles, when we ask if they want to get fitted, “Oh, no, you don’t have anything that fits me,” and then are stunned when we’re 300% confident that yes we do, and we have options. Women who can’t stop smiling and looking at themselves in the mirror after we’ve got them laced in.
I had a lady last week whose waist I measured (cinching the tape tight, as per procedure) at 41 inches—honestly not all that big. So she picked out a 41-inch corset to try on. I could tell halfway through getting her laced that it was going to be a bit big for her, so I mentioned it and said she might do better to try a smaller size. She started crying on the spot. She was so overwhelmed; she couldn’t believe someone had just told her that a 41 was too big. She told me about how hard clothes shopping was for her, how her mother would tell her she needed an XXXL instead of an XXL, how she had recently lost weight but still couldn’t wear certain colors because they didn’t fit or she wasn’t confident enough.
She did end up getting her corset, and after I checked her out she asked if she could give me a hug, so we ended up standing there hugging each other for a minute. While we did, I told her, “Do not ever let anyone tell you any bullshit. You are gorgeous.” She said, “I have a new boyfriend and he keeps telling me that.” I told her he was right, and to just keep telling herself she’s gorgeous; it was okay if she didn’t always believe it, but to keep telling herself anyway. (That’s how I talked myself through shit when I had bad anxiety.)
We all know fat-shaming is bad. The stupidity, fatphobia, and misogyny of it has pissed me off since I first became aware of it. But working with clothing, especially as figure-hugging and precise as corsets, has given me a new perspective on it—how much it affects people and just how shitty it is. Like, what does it say that I had a grown, only average-big woman crying into my shoulder because she was so overjoyed not to be the uppermost extremity of what a manufacturer can clothe?
My job rocks and it’s really rewarding, but sometimes it highlights some of the ugliest shit about society. I’m so glad I work at a shop that’s not bullshit about body types and operates with more people in mind than just scrawny white chicks like me. The fat women I work with are a ton of fun to lace up, and they’re so much more than their size—they’re cool, they’re smart, they’re funny, they’re sweet, they’re great to talk to, and yes, they’re hot. I’m so damn done with them getting short-changed and shamed by petty fucks who refuse to make them nice clothes, who refuse to even try to work for them, who refuse to consider them pretty. This whole rant was useless and won’t get read, but I had to vent because it’s been driving me nuts.
So actually, screw you, random dude. Fat girls are the highlight of my job.
Putting on a bikini is probably the last thing you’d want to do when feeling bad about your bod….. but this helped me a lot actually. Lately I have been struggling quite a bit with body image. I’ve lost quite a bit of muscle over the last few months due to not being able to be consistent with working out because of my anxiety and depression getting so bad, so my butt has gotten smaller and my belly has gotten softer and my quads are basically non existent and it’s been really difficult for me. But I’m realizing that it’s normal for bodies to go through changes!!! Gaining weight or loosing muscle doesn’t make you any less attractive than you were before!! I’m still beautiful, I still love myself. It’s okay, I’m okay!!!!
Summary | saying “I’m okay” doesn’t mean it’s true.
You had promised to yourself and to him in the beginning of the relationship that you would understand the obstacles the two of you would have to face. The obstacles set out were much different than any average relationships. In an average relationship, no one had to practice all day and night. No one had to hide their relationships. No one had to leave for tour for countless days, weeks, even months.
But as time progressed, your promise started becoming harder and harder to keep.
The first incident was after the ending of his world tour, when he returned back home to you. You thought that with the tour out of the way, you’d have plenty of time to make small cute stay-at-home dates like how you two used to have before all the fame. But you were wrong.
After his long departure abroad for 6 months, there was a comeback awaiting the members of the band, including him as well. It didn’t seem fair though, a comeback right after a large world tour? But it could be your tiny selfish excuse for wanting to spend time with your boyfriend.
After sending countless messages asking if he was free, you received a message saying something along the lines of, “I’m busy practicing.” Not that it was wrong, practicing for a comeback, it was part of their world; a world you didn’t know, but promised to try and follow along with.
After not receiving a message back from you, he sent another one. “We have a comeback planned. You understand right? You’re not angry are you?” Staring at the words sent, you didn’t know how to reply.
Biting down on your bottom lip, a habit out of nervousness, you pressed the ‘send’ button. “I’m okay.”
The second incident may have been your fault, but who could blame you? How else would you have felt if your boyfriend had a day off and decided to choose to practice like how he did the whole week?
“Hey Jimin,” You remember hesitantly asking. You two were at your shared apartment, you fidgeting and playing with your fingers and him sprawled across the sofa tiredly. Hearing him humming in acknowledgement, you spoke the words that you have been wanting to ask all week. “The boys told me you were free tomorrow. Since you have no schedule, wanna go do something?”
As if almost instantly, Jimin sat up. “Sorry (Y/N),” You felt your heart drop. “But I want to practice a bit more for the comeback. I can’t let down the fans.” He cocked his head to the side, elbowed propped up on his thighs, looking up at you.
You stared down at your fingers in disappointment where you stood. Hearing Jimin call you, you lifted your head up a bit. “(Y/N),” Your name rolled off his tongue easily. “Are you okay with it? Becau-”
Softly sighing, you forced your best smile. “I’m okay with it.”
“Are you sure?”
“No no, you should practice for the comeback. I know how important it is to you and the rest of the boys as well.” You repeated these words in your mind, trying to convince yourself you weren’t feeling the feelings you were feeling, maybe you could trick yourself into thinking that you didn’t miss your boyfriend these past long months,
“You shouldn’t let down your fans, you’re an idol.” You spoke solemnly, the ends of your lips curling up into a small smile. You were lucky enough to be dating an idol, you should remember that. “Don’t tire yourself out too much, alright?”
Staring at him, you hesitantly turned away and went to your room. Back pressed up against the wall, you sat on the cold wooden floor for him to leave. To leave for practice, again.
You couldn’t help but feel lonely and somewhat jealous of the girls that were dating the rest of Bangtan. They always made time for their girlfriends, unlike Jimin. Maybe you were selfish, wanting more in your relationship but you always felt the tingly jealousy thinking about what they could be doing with their girlfriends.
Like today, they took the day off, just like how they’re supposed to, instead of practicing or staying in the studios. Every time you imagine what you could be doing, your heart aches.
You could’ve been cooking together, just like Jin and his girlfriend. Cuddling in bed. Having a dance battle even if you would always lose. Watching movies. Going to the arcade even if it meant being caught in their disguises. Or maybe even just go to the park together.
Hearing the front door click, the whole apartment was silent. The only sound was that of your tears threatening to spill, finally being freed.
The third time it happened, was the last time it happened. And that’s because there wasn’t going to be a fourth time, nor a fifth time. There would be no more times.
You were doing your best keeping calm, but as the minutes ticked by, the clock ticking and tocking had somewhat drove you insane. The longer you sat there on the couch, gripping at your own hands, the more done with the entire situation.
The doorknob jiggling, the front door opens, revealing the person you had been waiting on for hours. He had promised you a home date to make up for all the times he missed with you, promising that he’d be home at 7, sharing the night of candlelit dinner with you.
Well that went nowhere, it was already 10.
Your eyes fell on Jimin’s figure, his eyes darting around the apartment, looking anywhere but your eyes. “Jimin,” You tried keeping a calm facade, pretending as if you weren’t more than just upset at the fact not only was he late, but the fact that he broke his promise and blew away the chance he had at making it up to you. “What time is it?”
A wave of nervousness and underlying guilt washed over him. He cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable, mumbling out his answer hesitantly. “10.”
“What were you doing during the time you promised to be home by?” You could tell he was getting more nervous. He looked at you, licking his lips, a nervous habit of his that you’ve learned he had. “I was…practicing.”
You snapped, your seemingly calm facade fading even though Jimin already knew you were steaming. “Again?!” He flinched at your loudness. “Why were you practice when you promised me you’d be home for dinner? The dinner you said you’d make it back in time for?”
“(Y/N), l-let me explain okay? I was just practice and,” His words drifted off as if he didn’t want to tell you. “And?” You huffed, arms around your hips, weight on your right leg. You were impatient. The faster he spits it out the faster it’s over.
“I just lost track of time, o-okay?” He sighed, raking his hand through his locks. “Jimin,” He hesitantly looked up, scared of what you were going to say.
“When was the last time we had a date?” You croaked, tried of his excuses. You knew he didn’t know the answer, that’s because you didn’t either. That’s know long it’s been. Your last date together could’ve been 8 months ago, who knows? “I….I don’t know.”
You bit your lip. You hated what you were going to say but it had to be done. You could handle the loneliness and neglect of your relationship anymore. Rather you, it was your heart that couldn’t handle another crack. “I’m sorry,” Jimin’s head shot up, eyes widened in alarm. “Look, I don’t think this is going to wor-”
“Y-You’re not serious right?” He stuttered, hoping it was some lame prank and that you were doing this just to scare him. “Right?” He repeated, urging, pleading you with his eyes to say it was all a joke, that you weren’t serious, that you weren’t going to give up on your neglected relationship.
“I’m…not.” You looked away, not wanting to see the look on his face. “I think it’s best if we broke things off.” Looking up back at your boyfriend, now technically ex, instantly regretting your decision. His eyes were glossed, bottom lip quivering. “You’re always busy with practice and touring and I’m always waiting here at home for you. I can’t do that anymore, my heart can’t handle anymore pain.”
“It’ll be less stressful if you didn’t have to think about me during practice. You’re an idol Jimin,” You forced out a smile. “You’re always going to be busy, and if not busy then tired. Just forget about me, alright? Focus on your career without me.”
Giving Jimin a small smile, you lowered your head and walked by him, stopping by your room to bring out your already packed suitcase. “I was never okay Jimin.” And with that and the click of the door’s lock, you walked out of his life, fast enough to not show your tears but slow enough to catch a glimpse of his.
~ This wasn’t supposed to be kinky but it kinda just did… Enjoy! ♡
I sat at my desk, working on a paper I had to turn in the next day. Concentration was difficult to find when my mind kept wandering back to him. Where was he? Who was he with? When will he call?
My laptop kept falling asleep from my lack of work and no matter how much I tried; no matter how much I wanted to, I could only think of Yoongi.
I showered, to relax and because my hair smelled like the outside. I had put away my laptop after quickly writing a C+ paper.
I walked over to the counter table to look at my phone, my hopes were high when I saw the notification light on. To my disappointment, it was only an update notification for another useless app. I left the phone there angrily, still turning up the volume in case he called.
I missed him the most during this time of the day: When the lights when out and the weight of my life sat on my shoulders. There was a tone; a lifeless tone, that set when he was gone. He brought life and soul into my world and that only made this worse. A world that was made of my heart and ego. I grabbed my phone and clicked on his name.
If I’m not the one for you, then don’t come back! Just let me go already and stop holding me the way you do.
I sent the message, instantly regretting my emotional outburst. I had asked myself too many times how I ended up here. Waiting and waiting for love and affection; begging for a man’s attention and loyalty. It should have never come to this but I allowed it to. I let him do what he wanted, wanting to only please him. But I loved to love him and I made him the center of my universe. I knew that love was a pain, I know pain, and this was not the same.
Are you awake?
Tears of frustration rolled down my cheeks; my hand gripping on the phone tightly. A pressure in my chest burned hot and heavily.
Convincing myself that I wouldn’t reply and that it would teach him a lesson.
Even when his caller ID appeared on my screen, my fingers hesitantly swiped the decline button. The first one was for him to know that I was upset and ignoring him. The calls after that I let ring, so he knew what it was like to wait.
I woke up lying over my folded covers, in a fetal position with the phone to the side. My dried tears stained my face as I sat up. Then realizing the constant calls had stopped and were replaced by hard pounds at my front door.
I quickly jumped out of bed and rushed over to the front door of my apartment. I didn’t hesitate to open the door until about halfway I stopped and was afraid to look at him. He lands his fist on the door, trying to push it open but my foot wouldn’t let it. He was trying to be persistent without being forceful but he was much stronger than I was. He looked at me dead in the eyes, his eyes have always been unreadable but they were saying to let him in. I pressed my lips into a tight line, hoping he would say something before I broke down crying. He grew irritated of waiting rather fast and forced the door open and let himself into my apartment.
“You text me, going on about god knows what; then when I try to call you, you ignore the shit out of me?!” He said walking halfway into my apartment before turning around and looking at me. “Why are you being like this, (Y/n)?”
I know he was trying to lower his voice but I could see the frustration, which was just as worse as being yelled at. I felt small in a corner under his intimidating stare and he waited for an answer. He sighed, running his hands through his hair in an attempt to relax. He looked back searching for my eyes but they only cowardly glanced at him. Yoongi stepped closer, closing the large amount of space between us. I was still angry at him but he always managed to make me feel bad about it. Like so many other times before, he was going to get away with walking all over me.
“Do I ask too much of you?” He sighed once more but this time it was of annoyance. I wish I could have sounded sure of myself but I wasn’t used to speaking out against him.
“What do you want me to do, (Y/n)?” He stepped away from me; not trying to comfort me anymore. “I’m trying, okay? But, you knew. I warned you about how I was, to begin with.”
He was right; I couldn’t argue with that. That was the painful truth I hated to accept. The possibility of us not being good for each other and that he only loved me on lonely nights.
“Well, I don’t want that anymore!” I was careful with my words because I still wanted him. “Don’t you understand that it hurts me? For you to go out every day of the week, then come into my bed, smelling like liquor and someone else?!” Tears were welling up in my eyes, threatening to escape once more. I knew he would never cheat, if he had I would have known it but that didn’t mean he wasn’t around other women who wanted him.
“I know, (Y/n). I know.” Yoongi hated to see me cry because I never let myself be seen when I do. His voice was soft again, trying to find an end to our argument.
“I need you here, Yoongi. I can’t live off sex; I need to know that you’re here for me like I’ve been there for you.” I closed my eyes as my voice cracked and a tear slid down my cheek. I felt him step over to me, his hands grabbed mine that was resting over my mouth. He held my hand in his, studying my palm, and running his fingers over it.
“I know, I haven’t been a saint but, things can change.” He didn’t feel sincere but he was regretful. Things could change but even if they weren’t, I would still stay by his side. I couldn’t ask for an eternity from a mere mortal. “I’ll always come back to you, (Y/n).”
That was possibly the only truth this night brought. He called himself mine but he didn’t know how to belong to anyone. I moved to wrap my arms around him, leaning my head straight against his warm chest. He smelled like alcohol and sweet like always, but I had grown comfortable to his smell. Yoongi hesitates and is guilty of feeling love because he knew it would always feel one-sided for me. We were both to blame and both acquit for the bond between us and like every disagreement we shared; we negotiated with our bodies.
I straddled his lap and he gripped my waist with both hands. The taste of his tongue dawdled in my mouth while he struggled to remove my clothes. Yoongi panted against the skin of my neck as he explored what I revealed under my top. He ran his mouth between the flesh of my breasts and sucked on any spots he wished. He pulled on the straps of my bra and tugged at the cups wanting to see all I had to offer. I watched from above how his mouth worked on my sensitive body parts, admiring his delicate features and raspy voice.
“I don’t want to lose your love; It’s all I have…” My fingers were tangled in his black hair that framed his ivory skin. I let his bittersweet words wash over my head and pull me back into his charm blindly. “I won’t last without you. I’m nothing without you.”
I pulled him away from my chest and down to lay back on my bed. Reconnecting our lips and fighting him to have the upper hand. He pressed my hips against him leaving the both of us breathless and impatient. My body temperature was rising to a fever pitch and the hot lust clouded my reasoning but brought my other senses to buzz. My heartbeat murmured to mock his rhythm for the moment he was with me.
“After everything I’ve done for you- everything you put me through,” I managed to speak between our heated kiss. He watched me as I spoke, looking like he was in a haze and couldn’t hear me, only feel me.“It’s still torture being without you.”
He held onto me tight as if he was trying to respond but all he could do was intertwine his hands with mine. He had a kiss that could mend a broken spirit and I felt his heart with it. He made shivers spread across my body as I left bites on his.
Our sweat was melding between our beautiful bodies, as they collided with one another. My breasts brushed against his chest every time he leaned me onto him. His eyes shut and his mouth opened in ecstasy. Yoongi’s groans were deep and sounded like animals in heat. My core was dripping all over his length, as he fitted so tightly inside of me.
His hands roved over me and drove me deeper into the pool of euphoria we were laying in. He loved to watch me on top, it was his favorite sight and feeling. Getting the perfect view of me panting and begging to come undone from his doing. The hot lust was building in the deepest parts of me and pushed me to find the end. Yoongi kept his eyes on me the entire time he could, pushing my hair away from my face when it fell out of place from our tempo.
“Come on, baby. Take my cock…. just like that.” He said tugging at the ends of my hair. He kissed the bottom of my jaw and still groaned whenever my walls throbbed around him. He was pumping and I was rolling, both of us putting in the work for our climaxes. We could go all night, like we used to when we first started dating, all night in love.
My hands rested on his shoulders flatly, balancing myself in and out of his length. My hand pushed towards his neck, resting at the crook. I added the slightest bit of pressure to his throat and he pulled at my hair. The pain drove my lust and his; we watched each other’s eyes blacken with pleasure and sparkle with love. He skin looked so pretty covered in shades of purple and blue shaped like my mouth. What a feeling it was to be connected to someone so deeply and violently.
He was thrusting so hard that his dick was falling out of me. I was too lost to care, my hips kept riding him with his cock between my folds. Our weight was adding more pressure and his tip budded against my swollen clit each time I moved down. My core was growing sore from all the pounding and I wanted to take it slow for a minute. I leaned in and brought Yoongi’s soft blushed lips to mine, he hummed lowly into the kiss. But groaned as I pulled away with his bottom lip between my teeth. He chuckled darkly and pushed me back onto his lips by the back of my head, sticking his tongue down my throat and moaning into my mouth.
“Finish yourself off, baby girl.” He gave my ass a quick smack and grip. I squealed at the hit and smiled biting my lip in anticipation.
“Yes, daddy.” I took a hold of his cock that was laying upright against his stomach; guiding him back in my aching entrance where he belonged.
I grabbed the back of his neck and sunk down, until his tip was hitting me up to the brim. I rocked and rolled my hips, worked them up and down like it was nothing. He rubbed on my thighs and leaned against the headboard, watching me get myself off on his large dick. Yoongi looked at me like I was a fallen angel on his lap, one he hated to love. The pink undertones of his skin were blushing hard on his chest and cheeks; sweat was running down his temple and neck. He looked so good, just the image alone could send me off the edge. He clenched his jaw and scrunched his nose; lifting up the corner of his lip like he was in pain. My breasts were moving to the speed of my hips and Yoongi wrapped a hand around my hip and rested just above my ass, pulled my back to arch and move closer to him.
“You have a body… all men dream of touching.” He groaned, running his hand up my waist from my thigh. There was a jealousy that cursed Yoongi’s words, he hated the thought of any other man looking at me, it drove him mad. “But you’re mine, right?”
I could only make out a cry as he thrust his hips into me suddenly, making me throw my head back and scratch as his neck.
“Fuc- Yoongi! Ahh!” My body shook and legs went numb on top of him. He thrust his hips slowly and deep inside of me and watched how I squirmed from my orgasm. He groaned loudly at my wetness dripping down to his balls and my walls squeezing around him so tightly it threatened his control on his climax. Whimpers and groans died out of my mouth as the last bits of my orgasm washed over me. I felt myself completely drained from head to toe and my heat was pulsing around Yoongi’s aching cock.
I moved off of him weakly, missing the full feeling he gave me instantly but still moved down the bed. I kneeled in between his legs and took a hold of his throbbing dick; the tip was red and he was going to come in no time. I pumped my hand easily and wrapped my lips around his head.
“Ugh!” He sat up instantly and grabbed my head with a hand. He watched me take him into my mouth, licking up the side slowly like he liked. He pushed my hair to the side and held it tightly in his fist. I kept eye contact with him the entire time, seeing how his brows furrowed in pleasure. With my free hand I gripped his balls and cupping them gently as they tensed up; he cursed loudly and praised my work. I hollowed out my cheeks and sucked him deeper into my throat before he warned me he was going to come.
I woke up to the sound of him in the shower. I knew Yoongi would get up early and leave without waking me up. I shut my eyes and let myself drift back into slumber until he got out of the bathroom. I heard him walking around my room, going through the drawers of his clothes he had. His back was turned away from me while I sat up on the bed, not bothering to cover myself up.
“Am I going to see you tonight?” He turned around, the late night had taken a toll on his face. He was already wearing a shirt but was also holding another in his hand. Yoongi walked over to the bed, taking a seat in the empty space next to me.
“I’ll try.” He mumbled, taking his shirt and slipping it over my head. He watched as I put my hands through the sleeves and leaned in to kiss my forehead. “Cute.”
He was grabbing his stuff off the floor, ready to leave and I was going to let him. He was going to walk out and keep doing the same things. We would fall back into the same routine of seeing each other late at night to fuck and sleep. I always threaten to be mad at him but I never threaten to leave him because I never would.
“We should break up…” I said out to him before he walked to the door but he stopped dead in his tracks. The words even scared me at hearing them come from my mouth. Yoongi turned to look at me and for the first time, I saw something that was close to worry. “If you don’t plan to change.”
“I’m serious, Min Yoongi.” I bit the inside of my lip as I tried to keep my confidence on. “You can go out with your friends on the weekends but Monday to Friday, you’re mine.”
Yoongi was young and loved going out and I used to put up with it and even go out with him. I grew up and started focusing on more important things than partying. He was addicted to living and I was addicted to him. I learned the hard way that he loved the game and he was going to lose.
I got out of bed and Yoongi waited for me to brush my teeth and put my hair up in a bun. He had to go home regardless to get his stuff for work at 10. I only wore his shirt that covered right past my butt as I walked him to the front door of my apartment. I held the door open and he stepped out, turning around to face me. I grabbed him by his shirt and brought him to a short sweet kiss.
“Don’t call me past 11 pm; I won’t let this happen again.”
“Why can’t you be both?” He asked you. “Just because you’ve gained some weight doesn’t mean you aren’t beautiful. Who says you can’t be fat and beautiful? Fat isn’t a bad word, Y/N. Not at all.”
You wrapped your arms around him. “Maybe. It’ll take more than just that to feel okay, though. I think I’m going to move back in my old room for a few days. I can’t take sleeping next to him in next to nothing and him not touching me.”
Sam nodded. “Anything you need, sweetheart.”
You cried yourself to sleep in Sam’s arms, and he made sure you were really out before slipping from your arms. After he covered you up, he went to find his brother. He couldn’t stand to see you hurting, and he knew that Dean wasn’t doing this on purpose. Running his hand through his hair, he quietly shut the door. His shirt had a wet spot on it, but he didn’t care about that right now.
Sam found Dean in the library, feet up on the table, leaning back in his chair. The laptop was open on his lap, but from where Sam was, he couldn’t see what his brother was watching. Dean spotted Sam from over the back and shut the top, putting his feet down. “So?” He asked, looking worried.
Sitting, Sam shook his head. “She feels like shit, Dean.” He told him honestly. “Says she doesn’t think you’re attracted to her anymore.” Dean stared at him, confused. “I’m not gonna sit here and tell you word for word what she said, I’m not gonna tell you to go wake her up, but I will tell you that it’s bad enough that she’s moving out of your room for a few days.”
“What?” Dean felt like he was punched in the gut. “Why?”
“Why don’t you let her talk to you?” Sam suggested. “Or maybe think about how you’ve made her feel unattractive.” He added before getting up to get himself a cup of coffee, leaving Dean to think things over.
Warning: serious angst, violence, mention of drugs, PTSD, few swear words
Summary: After being sent home from an honorable discharge from the Army, you meet the U.S hero Steve Rogers while at a VA meeting lead by Sam Wilson.
The sounds of gunfire rang out as you clench your gun to your chest. You peek out over the ditch you were currently hiding in, and immediately you are met with a round of bullets flying towards you. You quickly duck and watch the bullets pass above your head—right where you had been a moment ago.
I struggle with depression and self loathing. It's like not matter what I can not lose weight. I'm 200 and I should weigh 120-125 so I'm very over weight. I want to lose weight I just am always sleeping and eating. And repeat. I just can't find the energy or motivation. And constantly I'm finding something I don't like about my body. I can't stand my double chin/neck and my breasts. Especially my breasts they're just so big and saggy. I don't know what to do. Any tips? Thank you for your time
I’m going to share some of my personal story because I feel that it’s very relevant. when I was 14-15 years old I struggled quite a bit with my weight. I gained and lost, but mainly gained. I had a lot of stress issues and insecurity, mainly because of my mental illnesses, negative comments from family, and society’s bullshit ideals. it truly just made me hate myself more. I often ate in times of stress and boredom and I also ate a lot of dairy which I am actually allergic to.
when I was 18 years old I went back to england. I weighed roughly 200 lbs at the time, and I made the conscious decision to eat healthier and lose the unwanted weight. I genuinely thought most of my problems would go away if I got thinner. I will not lie to you, I lost the weight at an unhealthy pace. I was very sick at the time. I was suddenly underweight at 5′10 with even more problems than before.
losing that weight did not make me feel stronger. it did not make me feel more proud or accomplished. most importantly, it did not make me feel more beautiful or more desired and my problems definitely did not disappear.
the point of my story is that truly loving yourself and feeling beautiful genuinely starts with self acceptance and fat acceptance for everyone including yourself. since then I have gained 10+ lbs of healthy weight and I am still working on myself physically and mentally. having issues with body image is something that has to be worked on throughout your life.
I have a few tips for weight loss, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight as long as you know that you are extremely beautiful at any size. even with your double chin and your saggy boobs. try to remember that boob saggage comes with weight loss- and that doesn’t make them any less cute or beautiful !!! I am not ashamed to say my boobs changed quite a bit throughout the years. I love them just the same even if I feel a bit insecure about them sometimes.
• start your journey with inspiration and motivation. surround yourself with positivity. change your phone background, put up new pictures in your room, and follow a ton of inspirational accounts. do some research and look for models at any size who inspire you. there is actually a lack of body diversity on this website so I found some gorgeous dolls that might inspire you.
• plan your meals ahead of time. you don’t need to cut back on portions- just add more natural healthy things into your meals. losing weight is not about restricting so eat up !!!!
try to avoid processed, high fat, sugar and high salted foods on the regular. save those for well deserved treats.
• get at least 15 minutes of sun and 25 minutes of exercise every day, even if it’s just a walk around the block. getting into this habit is good for both your body and mind.
• losing weight the healthy way takes a lot of commitment and patience, but it is very much achievable and possible. you can do anything you put your mind to.
• practice self love and self care every day. forget everything negative you have been told and appreciate everything about your body. I made this weekly printable self care checklist that you can download for free if you want.
I love you darling. I hope these are all helpful to you. please know you are more than welcome to message me anytime, and I wish you luck. remember that you are beautiful. 💖💖
Two different people at work just asked me if I’ve lost weight since the beginning of the year and want to be like YES OVER TWENTY POUNDS THANK YOU FOR NOTICING YOU’VE MADE MY LIFE! but that seems like too much so I just do a noncommittal “Yeah a little bit I think, thanks!”
I give credit to my new dress pants that are no longer hanging off of me.
But Jin stills said at the end of the vlive that maybe with filtrers and make up he'll look better? I don't know, is a confusing sensasion, i feel sad because he's not confident, but i also think he making himself more strong, and that's admirable
because he has choppy bangs //now//, that’s why his confidence drops a little bit. for easier understanding, here’s how it went:
jin lost a little bit of weight
➡ jin’s confidence in his looks is raised
➡ jin’s self-esteem is raised significantly
➡ jin got used to having high self-esteem
➡ jin thinks he can’t be like this (he thinks he shouldn’t have such overly high self-esteem)
➡ jin determines to lower his self-esteem a little bit
➡ jin cut his hair into choppy bangs (which made him lose his confidence before, during golden disk awards) to lower his self-esteem (quote: “i think that other than my face, isn’t my hair the source of my confidence too?”)
i don’t translate ch+ stuffs but the conversation jin made in the chatroom just few hours ago would explain it better:
↳ i have made my decision after thinking about it for a long time yesterday
↳ recently i lost weight so my confidence has been rapidly raising, and i now got used to
↳ my self-esteem raising up too much
↳ to train myself
↳ i determined to cut my hair, which is my confidence
↳ i’m going for choppy bangs
he doesn’t cut his hair because he’s no longer confident now, it’s because his self-esteem is too high now, and he doesn’t think it’s right so he wants to train it, or you can say tame it. what jin means is that if he can even look good with a hairstyle like choppy bangs, then that means his appearance is upgraded, and so because his appearance is upgraded + he manages to look good in a hairstyle which made him lose confidence like choppy bangs ➡ his self-esteem is upgraded.
i would also like to address that jin used 2 difference words but it was all translated into “confidence”. 1st one is 자신감: confidence, when you’re sure that you can do sth ➡ “confidence”. 2nd one is 자존감: lit. respecting oneself, or having confidence in oneself ➡ “self-esteem”. jin used 2 words separately and hence they should be translated differently, but sadly v app converts all of them into just plain “confidence”.
The shop emptied out not long after Bucky had left, as if it
was giving up already. I locked the
door, and tidied up slowly, finding myself patting some of the books as if in
apology at what they might be facing next.
I fed Steve, and gave her an extra pet too, as much for my own comfort
as mine. If I wasn’t going to be coming
back here, I was going to have to face up to the mess of my own life. I’d been
putting it off under the guise of helping James, but an empty flat, no job and
no friends was all waiting for me to deal with.
I put the biscuit tin and notebook out on the desk, so I
could show Bucky that I was being honest, then packed up my painting things,
putting everything in a bag by the door. I couldn’t settle to reading anything,
being too distracted to concentrate so eventually I sat myself down in one of
the chairs in the shop with a sketchbook and pencil, and started to
sketch. I drew Steve, sitting on a pile
of books, thinking it might be nice for James to have in hospital – or wherever
it was he ended up, if he couldn’t come home.
I sniffed a few times and had to wipe my eyes, then cursed myself for
Just after six, I heard a knock at the door, and on
unlocking it, found Bucky outside. He
was carrying a suitcase, and a bottle of wine, and his face looked softer than
it had done earlier. He had bags under his eyes, and I wondered how far he’d
flown today before getting to the hospital.
Today is the first day of Lent and I’ve been racking my brain as to what to commit to. In the past I’ve given up pop, cheese, the scale, and decluttered like a ninja (woot!) to name a few, and have always enjoyed the tradition of this time of year.
But for the past few days I’ve been thinking a lot about what to give up, or what habit to change, and I really can’t think of anything. So much so, I almost feel like this is a sign I’m very content in life… maybe?
I am fully onboard (perhaps even driving) the calorie counting bus; tomorrow marks one month of doing it practically perfectly (we’re talking measuring everything and writing everything down; even the oil spray on my roasted veggies! And with this new initiative of mine, I’ve also cut out all pop/juice and just drink water… and coffee, because I’m not that nutty.
I’ve been going to CrossFit consistently at least four times a week, and pushing myself like whoa. (I haven’t lost any weight from my calorie-counting-crossfit commitment, which is awfully frustrating, but I’ll save that for another post).
I’ve also been: getting at least eight hours of sleep a night, reading a ton, not shopping too much (I added “too much” because I am shopping a bit, but I’m saving so much money being in Detroit, and have my finances in control that I don’t feel like it’s a bad thing).
I don’t go on social media that much anymore (last week I went at least three days completely forgetting about Facebook!) and hardly even watch TV in the evenings (although I did have one Saturday where I watched 3,002 Say Yes to the Dress Episodes). I’ve been trying new recipes. And, as I noted in a post earlier this year, my apartment/life is so decluttered that I couldn’t do the decluttering trend right now, as I’ve already done it.
I’m definitely not saying life is all sunshine and sparkles, but I do feel like this year I have my sh*t together, and there’s no gaping area or annoying habit that I’m dwelling on. Even my obsession / fascination / infatuation with cheese has been subdued… I KNOW. Whoa.
as I type this post I know there’s one area I could change. I don’t even want to admit it, but I’d be lying if I didn’t; dating. I am such a bad online dater. I am terrible and lazy and awful at responding to messages, and I never ever ever ever put myself out there, because LOL, rejection sucks.
I wrote earlier this year that a goal of mine was to either fall in love or get heart broken in 2017, and I have taken approximately no steps towards this goal, which means perhaps I should focus on that for Lent? Maybe? Yes? Is that a weird one?
I would not say I’m lonely, but I am alone a lot, and although I am living in a different country from my home, so I have no idea what my actual game plan would be if I did start dating a lot, it would still be nice to have company. And, it is something I think about a lot (like how last Saturday I went to a birthday and was the 7th wheel. Cool. Cool.) It would also be nice to explore Detroit with someone, and have someone to watch Netflix with / do nothing with. Someone to share my wins with (as I had a win today at work, and realized there’s nobody to tell it to… ).
Hmmm, but I don’t know. I don’t know because as I type this I know I’d choose a night alone on my couch 302 times over an awkward first date. BUT. But I am getting older and I don’t think love will hit me on my couch reading a book, which means I must actually force myself to get out there, and, well, at least try putting myself out there.
And thus with the conclusion of this post which started out to declare I had nothing to do for Lent, here I am telling you that I will commit to messaging at least one person a day. If he doesn’t write back, so be it, but I at least must try. So 40 days of putting myself out there, hmmm, let’s see how this goes.
And just like that, 2017′s Lent is established. Thanks for listening!
Both ridiculously excited and absolutely terrified of the possibility of going to Korea for lipo this year. I think I’d be less afraid if it were like, a hospital in this city, but being so far away spooks me lmao.
I also wonder how much weight I’ll have lost by then.🤔 I want it to be as much as possible to give a better idea of what areas need it. Because like obviously they can’t just do your entire body and make you thin, thats not what its about. Its just about like, carving out a better shape? Even when I was at my absolute teeny-tiniest I would have loved to have gotten rid of the bit of pudge left over on my tummy and inner thighs because those areas were always stubborn on me. I assume it’ll be the same now, but I don’t know if maybe new stubborn fat pockets have sprouted since the weight gain.
Whatever we end up doing, the thought of possibly not having a gross out of proportion borderline-pregnancy-looking-belly while I shift the rest of the weight myself is very very exciting. I miss the days when I didn’t have to avoid any piece of clothing thats tight around my middle. It was a simpler time.
“When I was in the army I gained 19kg (41 pounds), but now I’ve lost 14kg (30 pounds). I didn’t want to look too old so I had a diet of eating high sodium and low protein foods. It’s a bit silly, isn’t it? So I lost weight and now I weigh around 65kg to 66kg (143 to 145 pounds). I lost a lot of weight, didn’t I?” - Jaejoong, JYJ