i literally got 20 messages telling me so

Rant

Hey guys, mod neji here. So I rarely post my personal opinions on this blog, but what recently happened just infuriated me. Essentially, I got into an argument with a girl in my cosplay group because she literally gave me a list of characters that I can’t cosplay, because apparently she “owns them” (I shit you not this is what she said). So what led up to this was I had posted on my snapchat story that I was going to begin my kurloz and dirk cosplay (homestuck characters for those of you who don’t know). And she messaged me later telling me that I can’t cosplay as these characters ( and she listed about 20 other characters) because she cosplays as dirk and kurloz too. I thought she was joking at first, but nope, she was dead serious. I basically told her that she does not own these characters, and she needs to grow up and realize that other people have free will. She then said that when other people cosplay as her favorite characters, she wants to kill herself. She then proceeded to complain about me to our mutual friends, thus dragging them into this. Apparently she has been restricting many other people when it comes to who they cosplay. She also decided to miss homecoming because I was going to be there, and she is refusing to hang out with other people if I’m there. She also canceled going to THREE DIFFERENT CONVENTIONS BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO BE THERE. Now my friends are telling me that I need to apologize to her, even though I’m not the damn problem. The main thing that pissed me off is that she said I couldn’t cosplay as kurloz, even though she knows why I’m cosplaying as him. I know sign language and I’m planning on being silent 24/7 when I’m cosplaying as him, so others can see how difficult it can be to have a disability (kurloz is mute if you don’t already know this). I do understand that this girl has some problems, but that does not excuse the fact that she has a victim mentality and takes her pain out on others. She’s trying to use her depression as an excuse to be mean to others. My friends told me I should tiptoe around her, to protect her precious little feelings. But I’m fucking done with people walking all over me and using their mental illness as their excuse. This whole situation is just stressing me out bc people keep trying to shove their opinions up my ass, and think that I’m going to obey their every command. I’m so sorry that this is a super long rant, but my blood has been boiling for awhile now and I needed to get this off my chest.
-mod neji

I’m literally so exhausted from externship that my brain is just a fog.  I’m happy I got the first 20 hours done and its going good, Doing this every morning this week has burnt me out in all the worst ways.  I made it that next week is less stressful but doing more longer days to finish the last 30 hours.

I suck at tell my own friends that, I’m horribly exhausted.  Also horribly suck at message them to hold up convos but hey, above is the reason why been silent this week.

Getting to July will be worth it in the end.

but like where do i begin...

okay so in tuesday night, i was in the shower but when i got out i had received a phone call and had a voice message.  it was from taylorswift.com. i literally ran out of my room shaking and almost crying. i couldn’t tell you what the actual message said because i was too focused on the fact that it was from taylorswift.com.  but anyway, i called them back and there was no answer so i left a voice message. and i waited, i felt like they were never going to call me back because it was like 30 minutes after i left the message and i figured i lost my shot. but about 20 minutes later i got a call back. they asked me if i was able to make to new york this weekend and living in new jersey i would walk if i had to.  they also asked me more questions but i don’t remember them all too well wow I’m a loser.

on wednesday i reflagged these and just laughed to myself because i knew what has happening.

than i asked this not expecting this answer but i thought it was funny

then i posted this bc i knew what i wanted to do for my picture

so fast forward to friday– i got to the hotel around 1:30 (check in was at 3 whoops).  but around 2 more people started to show up and i started to talk to so many people.  everyone i met was so nice and amazing!  so 3 o'clock comes around and one of the taylor nation people comes out and tells us that they are ready to start checking people in.  i was the second person to get check in.  we had to get scanned like metal detector things.  after we checked in, we went into like a conference room and waited until about half the people were checked in and we went on a bus which took us to taylor’s apartment.

on the bus everyone started rapping thug story which was awesome!  the bus ride was maybe 10 minutes so it was cool.  when we got to the building they out us in the little lobby area and told to be quite while walking up the stairs because there were other people that lived there and they didn’t want to upset them because they wanted to do more things like this in the future.  so we walked up to her floor and we first went into her body guard’s apartment while they set up her apartment.  after about 10-15 minutes they told us we were going across the hall to taylor’s apartment.  so everyone got up and we had to get scanned again and everyone just causally walked into her apartment.

her apartment is such a great representation of her.  like go to the anthropology website and i bet you would see her apartment.  everything was so perfect and placed so amazing.  like her grammys were just casually sitting in her fireplace mantle.  and her moon man was just chilling on a table like okay taylor.  in her kitchen she has a picture of her and ina garden.  she also had a poster of like her friends and her frienamies, and the cool moms.  it was kinda like a cartoon looking thing.  she also had the water colors pictures she instagramed which i kinda freaked out about.  she also had this adorable painting she did of buildings and it said welcome to tribeca.  in another one of her rooms she had all these polaroids framed and stuff, they were so cute.  i heard Meredith was sitting on the bed but there were too many people and i couldn’t go into the room.

so when every one got there and the second group of people looked around everyone sat down and SHE CAME DOWN THE STAIRS,  FROM THE SECOND I SAW HER THE TEARS STARTED AND THEY DIDNT STOP. I JUST COULDNT BELIEVE THAT AFTER SEVEN YEARS I WAS FINALLY MEETING TAYLOR SWIFT.  so she sat down on a chair and started to talk to everyone as a group.  she was explaining how some people got picked because she has stalked up for the past 6-8 months on twitter and instagram and she read the essays some people wrote for a contest.  then she asked us not to release any song titles or lyrics or basically anything about the songs because she likes to be the one to do that and she likes to surpass her fans with lyrics and titles and stuff.  so before each song she would explain how or why she wrote that song.  after 6 songs we took and “intermission” as she called it and she brought out cookies and rice crispys that she made the day before.  i was standing with a guy that was i talking to since we got to the hotel.  she then come up top us and we started talking about her apartment.  she told us that it used to be a saw mill and that the original ceilings were still there.  while talking to her she literally looks you in the eye and has the conversation.  she really has a heart of gold.  okay so after that everyone sat down and we finished the album.  and when the last song was finished, she said i think we should all get up and dance to this song right now and she played shake it off.  we were all dancing around and she would walk though the group of people and she came up to me and dance for like a solid 30 seconds together.  everyone was jumping and screaming and just having a wonderful time. after the song was finished i guess she put her song on shuffle and was just playing some songs.  the only songs i remember are Tenerife Sea and an Austin Mahone song i don't remember the title.  we all broke up into out little groups and waited until taylor was ready to meet everyone!  everyone got to talk to her one on one which was just amazing.  i was in group one so i was about the fourth person to meet her.

when i went up to hug her I’m like 89% sure she said “hi megan, so you were one of the people i picked from instagram” which made me very confused because she has never noticed me on instagram or anything before.  and i started to tear up and i just couldn’t speak to her.  she saw my nails and she was “oh my god your nails are so cool. did you do them yourself or did someone else do them?” and at this point i seriously couldn’t talk but i somehow managed to say that i did my nails.  then we talked about something else but i don’t remember and i hate myself for that.  but than i asked her if we could do something with out legs because my tumblr is taylorslegs. and she was like of corse and then she was why don’t we do this and she did the pose in my picture.  the first picture we took was a bad film and taylor was like “no we can’t have that lets take a mother one” so we took another one and that was bad film too and she was like “this is what happens with polaroids.  lets take another one just in case.” so we took a total of three pictures and she let me keep two of them.  then they gave me my pictures and and hugged again.  she then asked me if she followed me on tumblr and i said no and she said “okay ill got on that tonight” and i was okay. and i went back into the body guard’s apartment where they scanned us again and when the guy was scanning me he was like “did you put olivia in your pocket?” “we have to make sure she dint take any tea cups” and i was shaking so much and i was just like “no i don’t have olivia.” and then i got my bag and sat down and waited for my pictures to develop.

when the first five groups were done, we went back onto the bus and headed back to hotel where we got our personal stuff and we went home.

right when i was pulling into the driveway at my house i get a notif saying that taylor followed me and i started crying again.  october 3, 2014 will be a day that i never ever will forget.  i really couldn’t talk taylor enough for everything that she has done.  and to anyone who has never met taylor, trust me it will happen, even if it was seven years later but it happen.

okay onto album review:

this album is like the queen of all album.  i can’t say any lyrics or any stories or any song titles but this album is everything anyone could ask for.

if you made it this far i want to saw thank you for reading my story

I got a bunch of anonymous messages from all these people last night telling me that I’m worthless

Then I blocked one of the messages and all the others disappeared, which made me feel better about myself because it meant it was SO important to someone that I felt bad about myself that they pretended to be a bunch of different people, changing up their writing styles and grammar and spending time to do it

And I recognized it in literally 20 seconds.

아이고.. ㅠㅠ;

Okay, so…I guess let me start with last year.

Last April/May (2014) messaged someone on hipenpal (a language exchange site) from who I was interested in for a Korean-English language exchange. I’m just going to use his last name so it’s easier to tell the story at least. Jung was 20 and from Seoul. Jung and I messaged each other on kakao for a good 6 months, all day and all night. It wasn’t until like around June or July I started to like him. And I got the feeling he liked me, he would slip in cheeky comments like “oh wow you look nice,” stopped using hipenpal once we became friends, and he even quit his part time job and got a new overnight job because he wanted to talk to me more. So come Mid-October Jung literally stopped talking to me out of no-where. I haven’t talked to him since October 2014 and he did read a few of my kakao messages but he never answered. The only positive thing is, we’re still friends on kakao. 

Now, April of this year, a guy (we will also use his last name, Cha), messages me first on hipenpal from Busan. Cha is 27 and when I say he was a complete sweet heart, he was! He messaged me first and we exchanged kakao ID’s and he added me. The minute I responded back to his kakao message, I’m not even joking, he tried calling me on voice call on Kakao and I freaked out because I have anxiety talking on the phone. So, I didn’t answer. We did kakao message for the entire day and he would say “my lady <3” and other cute things. But a couple of days after he was dying to call me so, we talked on kakao voice call. OMFG when I say he has such an attractive and cute voice I mean it! He spoke in English and Korean and it was omg. Anyways, during our first phone call he asked me if I had a boyfriend and would say things like “lies, you’re too pretty to not have a boyfriend” and that he would travel to seoul when I go and show me around just so I don’t get lost. Also, he said at the end of the phone call “ 사랑해”! After he hung up he also messaged me that he hopes to talk a lot more. So we messaged each other every day and every night and talked on kakao voice call about three times. He even called me one day when it was night time there because he wanted to talk to me briefly on the phone before going to sleep ㅠㅠ There were times where he would read my messages and not answer, but would message me a day or two after and say he was busy. Now, we haven’t talked since the end of June and he read every single one of my messages on kakao and never answered. He did say he was busy, and I’m trying to have hope that he is just really really busy. I also don’t want to message him now until he messages me back because I’m so terrified of being annoying and a burden to him. When I say within those three short months I got attached, I got attached. And I’m going to be 10000% honest that it does hurt a little because it would be the second time, as you all could see, that this happened. I don’t know if right now Cha is doing the whole “push and pull” or what. I don’t know if this is a really common thing (I’ve heard and read that a lot of Korean guys do this). My unnie from seoul (who I met on hipenpal who has also been good friends with me for over a year now who messages me every day to see if I’m okay) told me I gave every and see how it goes. Actually the exact translation to her message was “Aigoo Darian, he doesn’t seem interested in English. Just let him go and focus on you.” But yeah. 

*Side note I’m apologizing this submission is going to be extremely long*

This other Korean guy (he’s 34) and has had the biggest crush on me. Let me say everyone I am legal lol I’m 20 haha. Although age doesn’t bother me, I still think 14 year age difference may be a little much, but I don’t know, it’s complicated. Anyways he on the other hand has been messaging me and wants to be that “oppa to always take care” of me. But again, the age difference, plus still attached to Cha. 

I basically am submitting this to share with all of you and get your intake on it. ^^;  I most likely am going to not message him and see if he will message me first or something and just focus on myself and studying and all that.

KPMBW: I say leave most of these guys alone, unless they’re serious about a relationship, most of these guys don’t seem to be it, I rather go on a serious dating site or a AMBW meet up, where you can find some potential men. Because some times meeting guys on chatting apps, they just do it for fun or nothing serious :( but there’s some good ones out there! some times it’s just hard to find.