It feels like I have been gone for months rather than days without looking at it. Idk. I feel like my life is in a delicate balance in which I am terrified to move lest I knock over a universal Jenga block and everything comes tumbling down. I’ve done a lot of catching up with family that I haven’t seen in years, which has been good for me. It’s sad that it took my mom being in ICU for weeks to really make us all get together like this but… the universe works in mysterious ways.
My mom is stable. She is not better, as there are a lot of complications that the doctors can’t disturb in order to do more than just basic tests. They have her on a lot of blood thinners to try and dissipate the clots that have suffocated her digestive system, AND she’s diabetic so… it’s a tricky situation. But thus far she’s not getting worse… so that’s a thing.
So far she has:
• ripped an IV out of her hand trying to move herself because gods bedamned if she ask for any help, blood everywhere, they replaced it and I’m trying to ask for a new not-bloodstained blanket and my mom is like “idgaf just get me some damn water”. So she’s apparently okay with sitting angrily in a blanket spotted with her own blood like a badass
• yells for some “goddamn breakfast” even though she can’t eat yet
• Is Completely Over the whole hospital thing rn
• Makes the nurses get her to attempt to walk because she refuses to stay still
• whenever they come in to take her blood sugar she immediately will wake up from what seems to be a dead sleep to go “NUH UH”
• eyerolls into orbit when they do hourly checks and ask her what her name is and birthdate
And other things that make me both exasperated and happy that she’s still… well, herself. Some things still make me cry, like I’ll catch her staring at me while I’m sitting next to her with just this unguarded look in her eyes. Or when I reach for her hand she’ll grab it as tight as she can despite all the tubes running through her body rn. Or when she tells me she’s scared of the pain medication that makes her loopy asf to the point where she would rather be in constant pain than be on them because at least she knows she’s still alive.
I want to protect my mommy from everything. And it bothers me immensely that I cannot do much but wait.
A nurse the other day told me that it’s good she’s out of immediate ICU because “people can go home from intermediate, or to other forms of care or rehab. They don’t usually make it from where your mom used to be days ago.” And I nodded and started crying because I’m still an emotional mess that wants to see my mom get up and walk off before I leave this state but I know that is highly unlikely. I’ll probably never actually be fully relaxed again after this, looking at my phone, calling people to check up on my mom while I’m gone, etc. I don’t care though. My mom is worth it.
My bf is missing me dearly, my cat has separation anxiety, there’s some sort of fallout at work in my department that happened shortly after I left that has people begging me to come back… but how I wish I had the means to drop everything to stay close to my mom. As it is, I’m going to start planning to move back home, though. Seeing my family again, my bff, and knowing that my mom’s health is the way it is tells me that it’s time. I will miss the FUCK out of Vegas and the nice weather and relatively easy living, but… winds are changing, I think. I should follow them.
Even if my boyfriend sends me texts like this shit:
BF: Shouldn’t there be something like, “Noct, the roads are perilous at night with daemons. Should we find a place to rest?” And Noct goes, “Nah Specs, we’re not in Detroit, we’ll be fine.” HAAAHAHAHA Me:
DRAG MY FUCKIN CITY ONE MO GAIN BOI I STG
He’s gonna have to figure out how to live in the hood soon enough. 😬AND I’LL MAKE HIS ASS SHOVEL THE SNOW, THAT’LL LEARN HIM
Here’s some pics of me and my mom. There aren’t many because my mom hates pictures. But these are from the fan page that my mom has on FB so they’re already public, lol!
This was taken in ‘89 or ‘90 or something. My dad is like 6'3" so when taking pictures of my 5’ mom and their munchkin daughter who has to WAVE TO BE SEEN, he doesn’t… quite… get us all in the frame.
Back in 2009 at a family thing where she reluctantly agreed to be in a group picture.
…WHY IS THE QUALITY ON THESE UPLOADS SO BAD
Other than that… man, guys. I love y'all. I’ve read through every one of the asks in my box about my mom and also the DMs by now, and there are no real words I can say to encompass the gratitude that I am feeling right now. I can’t reply to all of them individually, which is why I try to do massive updates like this to keep you guys posted… but let me tell you that I believe in the power of positive energy. My mom may not be in the clear, but I do think that she’s where she’s at now because there are so many people gunning for her to pull through in their own ways.
… also, Satan is begging God to not let her down in Hell because he doesn’t wanna deal with the fallout, LOL!
SO… while I still kinda have the time… I’ve been trying to slowly get back into the groove of things Internet-wise. Aka Tumblr. I’ve missed SO DAMN MUCH but I’ll just have to figure out the ropes again as I can. It’s kind of… overwhelming. I went from compulsively checking/updating daily to days long stretches where I can’t even open the app and when I do, my timeline is filled with some bullshit “in your orbit” posts and wtf where are my regular mutual posts from my baes
clubs: doesn’t have time since he’s interning at a big company the entire sem
in class, mingyu is practically a natural genius. like managment skills? statistical methods in business? intro to finance? easy stuff he soaks up information like a sponge and is always the person everyone looks forward to presenting in class and the teachers love how articulate he is with his words and he’s a real crowd pleaser you know because he’s: tall, handsome, smart, and witty
OUTSIDE OF CLASS THO he’s the number one memer
like people who don’t know him personally or only know him in class run up to him like “omg!!! how are you so cool all the time????” and mingyu grins and shrugs it off like no big deal
and literally five seconds later he’s sneezing into his arm and wiping it on wonwoo’s shirt or spilling his coffee all over jeonghan’s textbooks or stealing seungcheol’s food and then dropping it and then picking it up and eating it??? and like
his close friends just snort when someone calls him cool because in all honesty he’s not cool he’s corny
but also they all come over to his dorm because he’s the only one who uses the communal kitchen to actually cook real meals and everyone’s been living off cup ramen so it’s nice to actually eat something that’s been seasoned and cooked and mingyu’s got this special recipe for making omelets over rice and so whenever he’s making one in the morning he ends up actually making ten portions because word spreads fast and half the dorm swoops downstairs like hungry vultures ready to Feast and mingyu’s like ok ok ok fine someone pass me more eggs
is good at volleyball because he’s tall but has also literally tripped over air 14342 times during practice and the rest of the team is like: how does he even balance himself on those long legs???
has a habit of messing up wonwoo’s hair before wonwoo has class and like he doesn’t tell him how it looks and only when they’re both back at the dorm wonwoo points to his head and is like “mingyu, explain.” and mingyu’s like “it’s in hyung. it’s the new style.” “mingyu - i look like i rolled out of a trash can.”
but it’s ok wonwoo forgives him because mingyu’s the one that cleans the dorm while wonwoo passes out studying
and tbh you’re one of the people who finds mingyu to be so ??? untouchable ??? like he’s the guy you see always dressed well, surrounded by lots of people, and getting top grades and so like others you’re like he’s the model college student like you see him and you’re like i wanna be like that
but boy oh boy are you in for the shock of ur life when you find out that the company you’re interning at is the same company mingyu interns at and like
you both are in different departments but on your first day you’re taking the train and you see mingyu sitting a couple of seats away and like at first you’re like
wow! he looks so spiffy in his suit and he has like a briefcase and he looks so damn well prepared that you even feel a little self conscious
but then three seconds later you look over again and see that he’s falling asleep on his way and like he literally topples over onto the person beside him
and the person like shoves mingyu’s head off and says something rude and mingyu’s like bowing his head and apologizing
and like you’re like “he must have not gotten any sleep the night before.” but then
the next day when you’re on the train again to your internship mingyu’s there too……again…..falling asleep…..on the person beside him…….
and this happens for the first two weeks that you’re taking the train to your internship
and like you wonder if he’s just overworking himself or something but then one day you end up going in at the same time as mingyu into the building where you two work and like you go in and swipe your ID to get in but you see mingyu standing next to the security guard begging him and asking him for something and you get a little closer and the guards like “this is the 4th time this week, kid get your ID back” and mingyu’s like “i LoST IT ThO” and the guards like “this is already your third one and it’s been two weeks???” and mingyu’s making puppy dog eyes and you’re like ?????? this is not the suave boy i know off campus
and when you go up to his floor where he’s interning with the stats dept like you see mingyu holding a leaning tower of papers and as expected he makes one step and ends up falling over with the papers flyinG into the air
and some guy yells at him that he’s always being so clumsy and like you’ve never seen mingyu looking so embarrassed with his head down and his hands folded in front of him
and you’re like “is this a side of him no one else knows?”
and like you think yeah - he probably is just nervous just like you but then as you’re going back to campus from your internship you see mingyu across the street coming out of a fast food place and like licking his fingers and wiping them on his tie
and like you know you’re just a little Shocked but also like it’s endearing ….
everyone makes him out to be this tall, perfect student that’s always the model of what to be and here he is with crumbs around his mouth and ketchup on his shirt like …..it makes you giggle
but ofc you don’t approach him you don’t really even think he knows you two intern for the same boss until one day you get on the train take a seat and mingyu taKES THe SEAT BESIDE you
and internally you’re like ?!?!?!?!?! but then you don’t even notice five minutes go by until you feel a soft thud on your shoulder and as you turn
there he is
kim mingyu, sleeping soundly on your shoulder
and you don’t push him off or anything but you do feel your face grow red and some older ladies smile at the two of you and it becomes a given that like everyone on this train thinks you two are a couple and you’re just like UM
the stop you and mingyu need to get off on comes and you (sadly) have to shake him awake and then make a run for the door as you drag a half awake mingyu along with you
and you’re like “thank god we made it.” and mingyu’s like “yeah!” and then he straightens up and says your name and you’re like ???? you know my name and mingyu’s like “ofc i know your name we work and go to school together.” and you’re like yEAH BUT ???? we’ve never interacted
and mingyu laughs and he’s like “yeah we have!!! you’ve seen me fall asleep on strangers and get yelled at for losing my ID and weren’t you there when i face planted with my big stack of documents??”
and you’re like “wait you noticed me that whole time?” and mingyu nods and checks his watch like “we better run, can you keep up?”
and that’s how you end up running behind the long legged secret office/campus crush of yours and good lord he can run fast
you two get to the building out of breath but luckily mingyu has his ID this time and you go inside and split ways when you get off a floor before him but before you do mingyu’s like “meet me for lunch downstairs??” and you’re like /?/// ok?????!@?@?@?#
the entire time you’re at your desk you’re trying to piece together how it is that you haven’t noticed mingyu noticing you this whole time like,,,,,you kinda just don’t see how it happened?? he’s never even made eye contact with you on the train
but you leave all that for lunch when you go downstairs and see mingyu waiting
and he’s like looking amazing in his black slacks and button down rolled up sleeves and hair pushed back and you’re like “he really is like a model….”
but then you two go to this burger place around the corner and mingyu orders two deluxe meals for himself and a huge cola and like oh my god he eats like a child and he has some lettuce in his teeth and sauce all over his hands
and once again you find yourself endeared but also giggling at his hidden silliness
and you mingyu’s like “why are you laughing??” and you lean over with your napkin to wipe off the sauce from the corner of his mouth like “thiS is WHY” but then like
you’re so close and you see his eyes up close and they’re like a sparkling, mesmerizing brown and it takes everything in your strength to just pull away from looking into them
and like it’s a lil awkwardly silent until you’re like
“u m coughs by the way um how do you know…….who i am??”
and mingyu’s like “AHHHHH you’re cute and i’ve liked you for some time, of course i know who you are.”
and you’re like …………………….WHAT
and mingyu scratches the back of his head and rolls his tongue in his mouth and is like
“wonwoo said i should just tell you, especially before this internship is over, so ……yeah.”
and you’re like starstruck honestly but you’re like “why??”
and mingyu takes a minute to think and then he’s like “remember on our first day you saw me act like a total fool on the train? and the time you saw me getting scolded by the guard?” and you’re like “….yes?” and mingyu chuckles like “well, most people don’t like the real me. they imagine me as one thing and then the real silly, dumb side of me is something they don’t want but you - you kept looking at me right?”
the words get stuck in your mouth because oh god he saw you staring at him this whole time but also like………of course you kept looking at him and you say that
you tell him that “you’re nothing like what i thought, but it made me want to keep looking at you more. that side of you - it’s better than what i imagined.”
an honestly in that moment the rest of the people all fade away and it’s just you and mingyu and mingyu takes your hand as you two get up and go back to work and it just
it fits. you two fit each other
and just like that you two are a thing and every morning mingyu isn’t falling asleep on random people’s shoulders. he’s falling asleep on yours
and he’s kissing your cheek before he does and he’s kissing you goodbye when you get off the elevator
you two hold hands and hide it behind your backs when co-workers walk by and tell you two not to go around slacking off since you’re temporary interns
and you and mingyu aren’t even hurt because you’re interns in love ok love is what it’s all about (but so is studying so if you’re reading this: do your homework ANYWAY)
you find a way to keep mingyu awake on your commute to the internship and the magic trick is literally buy him a big cup of coffee and he won’t spend the entire thirty minutes on the train snoozing
instead you two will talk and laugh and mingyu will do bad impressions of your boss and of teachers
and when you’re coming back from the internship and the trains are packed mingyu will grab the overhead pole and pull you against him so you don’t have to stretch out your arm and
as clumsy as he is, he’s got these sparks of romantic in him
and yes you always have to remind him to sneeze into a napkin, not just wipe it off on the closest person
and you hit his hand when he tries to enforce the “five second rule”
you come up to give something to the statistic dept. head and mingyu tries to wave at you but accidentally swings his long arms too much and knocks a potted plant off a desk and you have to end up running over and helping him clean it up before the owner of the desk comes back
youngguk at his desk: “where is my bonsai tree?”
you and mingyu: *hiding in a cubicle with the remains of youngguk’s bonsai tree* rip
when the internship is over for the semester you and mingyu still see each other and just like wonwoo, jeonghan, and the rest of mingyu’s friends you come to thinking all the freshman who obsesses over how ‘cool’ and ‘smooth’ mingyu is is super funny
because you know how he really is, sleeping with his long limbs spread out everywhere and half of his textbook sliding out of his bed and his clothes are literally just a pile inside the closet
and mingyu cleans, like he’s not gross or anything but he’s also just so like he cleans and then makes a mess three seconds later and you’re like how?????
and when mingyu first offers to cook for you you’re like : “i dont trust you around sharp objects” but mingyu somehow convinces you (lots of kisses are involved in this bribe) and you sit down and watch him cook
it’s like a whole different person
and you ask mingyu why he didn’t want to go to culinary school or something like that and mingyu laughs and shakes his hand and he’s like “my cooking is good - but not that good.” and maybe just maybe you hear a hint of sadness in his voice
but that’s gone after you take the first bite out of what he made you and you’re like mINGYU THIS is AMAZinG
and he grins and is like “is it???” and taste some too and he’s like “yeah, you’re right it’s amazing - like me”
and you seriously love the dates where you come over on a weekend and neither of you have classes and mingyu and you look up new restaurants that have opened near campus and you two go out and just try everything
and no matter what, you’ll order something and mingyu will try to steal bites when you’re not looking and you ALWAYS CATCH HIM but he just grins and is like !!!! i love you !!! and you’re like oh my god gET your OWN and he pouts like nooooo i wantttt yourssssss
he’s a big baby basically
mingyu starts a foodstagram just to share photos of you eating when you guys go out and you’re like sTOp i look bad in all of these and mingyu’s like “the food matters, not you baby” and you’re like EXCUSE mE and you chase him around and he laughs his head off and wonwoo is watching you two like wow. how are these two in college
mingyu tries to mess up your hair like he does to wonwoo before class but you grab his wrist before he can and you’re like “if you touch my hair i will not kiss you for 24 hours.” and mingyu automatically gives in because no kisses for 24 hours would kill this big affectionate puppy
mingyu knows you’re a sucker for his smile, especially when it shows off his canines and so he’ll smile at you like that when you’re ticked off at him and like you’ll try to be serious and tell him to stop but he’ll pull you over by the waist and smile and ask whats wrong and you’ll just be like STOP YOUR HANDSOMENESS is messING WITH ME and he just continues to smile and you’re like ,,,,,i cant be mad at him gdi
begs you to cook for him and you’re like mingyu im studying right now and he’s like but i want to eat and you’re like go ask jeonghan to do it and mingyu’s like jeonghan almost burnt down our communal kitchen last week pls
mingyu gets good grades because he throws himself into studying right before big tests and presentations and it ends up with him not sleeping and not eating right and this is when he’s literally a Mess
like not a joke mess like usual but a Mess and you literally sometimes have to keep him upright because he falls over from lack of sleep and you’re like mINGYU you’re SIX FEET TALL you NEED to Eat and you shove like a granola bar in his mouth and he tries to say i love you but it comes out all muffled
mingyu once wore his shirt inside out and you were like “ming-” but wonwoo was like “no. let the campus see how goofy he really is.”
mingyu still holds a grudge against you and wonwoo till this day
“mingyu i can’t reach that, can you get it?” “sure.” “mingyu why are you picking me up just uSE YOur OWN HANDS oh MY GOD AM i TWENTY FEET OFF THE fLOOR MINGYu”
whenever he waits for you to come out of class he opens his arms and you run into them and he spins you around and it’s cHEEEEEEESY but it’s worth it because he’s always happy to see you
you can never study together because mingyu will fall asleep with his head on your shoulder or on your lap and when you’re like hey buddy wake up he’s like nooooooo you’re soooo comfyyyyyy
once you came to watch volleyball practice and mingyu saw you and started waving and you were gonna wave back unTIL the BALL HIT him in THE heAD AND You like ScrEAMED and mingyu like fell over and everyone was like oh my god how oblivious is he
you cradling mingyu’s head in your lap: “are you ok???” mingyu: “am i in heaven? are you an angel?” wonwoo: “i cant believe he almost got knocked unconscious and is stILL FLIRTING WITH YOU”
find college!vixx (here) & college!bts (here) find college!woozi (here), college!wonwoo (here) college!seunghceol(here), college!seokmin (here) & college!jun (here) find special college!jb (here), college!mark tuan (here) and please look forward to more college!seventeen + special college!aus