i like when jake and dirk talk

Homestuck Camping Headcanons

John: Brought enough kites to populate a small country if the citizens were also kites. “John we’re in the middle of the fucking woods where are you going to fly a goddamn kite,” wrong question Karkat. John makes eye contact while holding a kite, floats up above the tree line, and flies his kite suck a dick everyone. Terezi tries flying one of the kites but seemingly does not know how. When John tries to show her she somehow manages to get him tangled up in the string and just starts cackling. She takes another kite from the pile and flies it perfectly. John is not pleased.

Dave: Spends the entire trip there composing raps and sick beats which is VERY ANNOYING to Karkat who is being carried five inches from Dave’s stupid rhyming mouth fuck you Dave. When they get there, it turns out mr cool kid is hella afraid of bugs, like “fuck oh fuck there’s a bug Karkat kill it please fuck oh my god someone please just kill it” levels of hate. “You know my species starts out as a bug” Karkat narrows his eyes. That is different, Dave tells him, your species can talk and have s- “eat shit, Dave.” Around the campfire, he tries to tell a scary story but it turns out the big plot twist at the end is just a character falling down some stairs and Dave saying “I warned you about stairs, bro” in a spooky voice. Roxy throws a marshmallow at his head from across the campfire.

Jade: Somehow manages to befriend every single forest creature she finds. She goes out for a walk and comes back with five squirrels, three bunnies, and a doe with her baby in tow. “Can we keep them?” She finds a nearby lake with a little waterfall and encourages everyone to go swimming, she cannonballs off the ledge obvi and a belly flop competition starts. Everyone’s belly hurts. This was a mistake. Oh god.

Rose: Finds a dark cave nearby and extends an invitation to explore it, Kanaya lights the way and Jake shows up in full on spelunking gear which ends up being pretty much useless as the cave dead ends after fifty feet. Rose is disappointed, she was hoping to find ancient cave drawings or the remains of a ritual sacrifice. Jake, who found some cool rocks and some kind of skull he might give to Dave, asks her why she seems let down. When she mumbles something about the blood of children he nods and walks a step behind her on the way back. At the campfire, Rose also tries to tell a scary story, she recounts the tale of Mothman. It is actually pretty spooky until she gets to the end and says that there probably was no Mothman and it was most likely a red sand hill crane that had wandered off its mighration course. Dave boos.

Kanaya: No one but Rose will share a tent with Kanaya (especially not Dave) because she likes to turn up her glow a little which attracts every. Single. Bug. She has an entourage of moths following her around and yes they do have names, Rose, they’re our children now you have to love them. Tries her hand at scary stories too, but it ends up just being about a troll who showed up to a white-tie occasion in a semi-formal outfit. Needless to say, the fear and outraged reaction was limited. She does end up scaring John, however. He heads around to the latrine only to see Kanaya hunched over a bag of pre-packed blood. “Uh, Kanaya? What are you doing?” She turns around with blood all over her mouth which she casually wipes away, Oh Hello John, I Did Not Hear You Coming, Is Something The Matter? The last part is said to his back as he sprints away screaming.

Karkat: Eats a bug in front of Dave just to freak him out a little, then Dave asks if it’s cannibalism and Karkat punches him in the arm. Tries to refuse swimming in the lake, but Dave jumps in and pretends to drown so Karkat freaks out and jumps in to try to rescue him. When Dave resurfaces laughing, Karkat pushes him back under and asks Dirk if this would count as a just death. Dirk says he better not risk it. While he’s asleep, Dave and John team up by squirting shaving cream on Karkat’s hand and tickling his face with a crow feather. This backfires because instead of rubbing his own face, Karkat starts swinging his arms out and manages to cover both Dave and John’s faces in shaving cream. He doesn’t notice and goes immediately back to sleep. Dave and John wash the shaving cream off and agree that this never happened, only Jane and Roxy Definitely Saw Them and also took a video.

Terezi: “accidentally” knocks one of John’s tent poles out with her cane while she’s walking, then accuses John of unfairly targeted a poor innocent blind girl. She and Vriska go to the river to try and catch fish for dinner, they end up getting in a competition to see who can catch the most fish. Everyone eats soup for dinner. Terezi and Vriska will not talk about what happened. Terezi gives scary stories a go, but it ends up being less scary and more like one of her roleplaying court scenarios. The only vaguely frightening thing is that at the end, she points up to the trees and everyone suddenly realizes that she hanged a bunch of her plushies sometime during the day and apparently no one noticed until now. She smiles wickedly and everyone feels slightly uneasy.

Jane: Spends part of the afternoon getting the soup ready in anticipation of a lack of fish. Realizes she forgot some of her spices at home and starts panicking until Jade takes her through the woods and helps her find some wild herbs that will taste almost the same. At one point, she goes to the bathroom and comes back with a small carapacian in handcuffs having apparently dodged another assassination attempt. She treats this very casually but enjoys being fussed over for a little bit. She tells a scary story that’s actually scary, no one realizes she’s teamed up with John in the Ultimate Prankster Duo. He is making the wind move through the trees very eerily, and right at the scariest part of the story he jumps out of the woods yelling. Everyone jumps out of their seats, some of the godtier kids accidentally fly up a good ten feet in the air they got so frightened. Jane and John high five and secretly salute Colonel Sassacre.

Jake: Jumps off the waterfall at least fifty times and has a blast doing it. Dirk is hesitant to go because he secretly is sort of afraid of heights after living in the post-apocalyptic high rises of Texas. Jake remedies this by picking him up bridal style and jumping off the ledge with him. Dirk does NOT scream or hold onto Jake for dear life because that would be uncool. Jake shows Jade some of the cool rocks he found and presents Dave with the cool skull he brought back. Dave is slightly in awe and develops a newfound respect for Jake, who promises to show him his Cool Skull collection when they get back home. Jake tells a story around the campfire that might have been intended to be scary, but ends up being more of an adventure tale, Indiana Jones style. Everyone listens intently and really enjoys it even though it’s not a ghost story.

Roxy: Can apparently climb trees like nobodies business? She had to help the carapacians in her old neighborhood get stuff out of them because they were always losing balls and cats and kites. She goes for a walk with Jade and Calliope while Jane is making dinner and they pick her a nice bouquet of wildflowers to give her when they get back. Around the campfire, she tries to tell a scary story but it ends up being about wizards and no one is surprised. Their tent is poppin’ and she and the ladies party it the fuck up all night and end up sleeping until noon the next day because they’re so exhausted.

Calliope: Loves being in nature so so so so much holy fuck. She’s lived underground and chained up her entire life that this is unbelievable. She’ll spend entire hours just staring up at the sky and pointing out cloud shapes to Jane and Roxy. She tries telling a scary story around the campfire, but it ends up being a tale about the importance of friendship and how love is the truest magic of all. There are a few tears in some of the kids eyes at the end of it.

Dirk: He and Jake go out to collect firewood and refuse to take more than one trip so they stagger back into camp with towering piles of branches and make a huge mess by dropping them everywhere. Instead of telling a ghost story, he and Dave have a rap battle over the fire which devolves into them just laughing and quoting SBAHJ until they can’t talk anymore. Karkat and Jake share a Look™ like, I can’t believe these are our fucking dorks. Dirk can name every single star, he knows the stars and constellations that transferred over from his Earth, and he knows the ones that migrated in from Alternia/Beforus. People begin to doubt him when he points out a constellation that he claims is shaped like a dick, most likely because he called it “Ursa Penis”. He spends the rest of the night trying to come up with a major/minor dick size joke but can’t think of a good one and sulks a little about it.

Sollux: Sets up everyone’s tent for them with his psiionics and goes on a walk with Karkat. They get very lost and argue the whole time about whether or not they are actually lost. John and Dave are flying above them and could theoretically help them get back to camp but they will not. Sollux thinks they’re going to die out in the woods and tries eating some roots and berries and mushrooms even though Karkat tells him that that’s the worst possible fucking idea he’s ever had in his life and yes he’s including the time Sollux suggested finding a way to combine troll and bee DNA to make the ultimate being. You mean ‘bee’-ing, Sollux says. No the fuck I do not, Karkat replies. The mushroom Sollux eats ends up giving him wackass hallucinations and Karkat definitely does not record any of the crazy bullshit Sollux starts saying.

Jake English fucking loves booty shorts, guys. Also: Dirk Strider.

I really could not believe it when I heard some people say Jake wears booty shorts because Dirk is a Predatory Gay and made him do so, but here we are. In any case, it took me forever to realize this, so it’s worth pointing out.

Jake uses his clothes to express his inclinations more than maybe any other one of the kids. Jake himself foreshadows his future inclination towards gear that shows off his ass…ets:

Frankly, I don’t think much else needs to be said there? There’s a canonical reason Jake dresses the way he dresses, and that reason is that Jake likes tomb raiders and sexy-looking action heroines, and he wants to be a sexy action hero and look sexy doing it. That’s really all there is to it.

…Or it would be, except that unlike Jake’s relationship with fighting, Jake actually experiences struggles and complications relating to looking sexy, and becomes insecure and vulnerable due to the way people treat him as a sex object.

It’s no surprise this happens. Jake has a list of sexual/romantic voyeurs and aggressors, and his discomfort and trauma in this area is an integral part of his character. 

Early on, Obviously, there’s the AR, who’s lasciviousness is so well-documented I don’t think it’s worth repeating here. 

But Dirk breaks it down nicely for us. Dirk himself makes no appearance on this list, seeing as he had no control over the AR and never even remotely speaks to Jake that way when they talk to each other.

Brobot is often accused of being a sexual aggressor as well. This belief is based on two quotes from the story:

This one, from AR. The thing is, AR is known for being pretty hyperbolic and overly sexual about pretty much all situations–kind of like a 13 year kid would be, you know? 

What Jake himself says about the Brobot’s actions is much more indicative of the nature of the Brobot’s actions. Specifically:

Jake describes the Brobot as tender. And Tender is a specific word with specific, almost memetic meaning in Homestuck:

A meaning that only a juvenile teenager LIKE the Auto-Responder would consider sexual. Or at least, someone similarly trapped in immaturity.


Yeah. I know fanon is really pervasive about this idea that the Brobot was on the list of sexual aggressors, but the only real implication the canon itself makes is that it was doing tame proposals and handholds like this. That’s what Jake is referring to. It becomes problematic for him, but only because of the AR’s taunting and the fact that he and Dirk can’t figure out how to talk about it. 

Brain Ghost Dirk makes some comments to this effect, however–likely reflecting the way the AR has messed with Jake’s head and successfully made him conflate the way the AR sees him and the way Dirk sees him. Even after the AR stops being an active presence in Jake’s life, it still makes its impact known through BGD’s characterization. 

We also have no reason to believe Dirk even knows Brain Ghost Dirk exists, let alone has any active say in what he says or how he acts, either. BGD is, after all, predominantly Jake’s brain–and thus a reflection of, at best, how he THINKS Dirk sees him. 

Note how even though Jake fully expects Brain Ghost Dirk to make lascivious and leery comments to him, he never expects Brain Ghost Dirk to try to touch him in a way he doesn’t want to be touched. On top of that, In fact, Jake makes a point of noting that Dirk is more conscientious towards him than either the AR or Brain Ghost Dirk:

And then, of course Jane literally threatens Jake with sexual slavery (while corrupted by an evil supercomputer):

So yeah, Jake is pretty uncomfortable with being seen as sexy by the time Aranea gets to him. It wouldn’t be unreasonable if the idea of being seen as sexy–or even just wearing short shorts–was ruined for him completely.

It wouldn’t even be unreasonable if his image of Dirk was tarnished, even though Dirk wasn’t really responsible for what was happening any more than he was. 

But different people respond to trauma differently. And once Aranea objectifies him completely and renders him a tool–literally lightning him up and making it so ALL EYES are on him right when Jake feels most exposed and vulnerable, Jake responds in a pretty peculiar way.

With his Hope powers unlocked, Jake could theoretically do anything. Send hordes of angels to attack, make himself invisible, bring Grandma back from the dead…given what Jake actually ends up doing, it doesn’t make much sense to imagine arbitrary limits on his power. Because what Jake does when he needs to feel safe is make his imaginary friend real.


Again: Making something fake real is, by definition, pretty much the hardest thing to do–both in real life, and to convey compellingly narratively. 

Even Jake teleporting his grandma from the past and reviving her to come protect him would be more reasonable a storytelling move than Jake being able to create matter and a personality out of thin air. You would only need Time and Space powers to theoretically pull of that absurd feat, so it would technically be possible to accomplish.

Making your imaginary friend real, though? That’s completely impossible for everyone, everywhere. Except for Jake English. 

But Jake English can do anything, which means what we actually does reflects not only what he wants, but what he wants MORE than anything else possible to him. 

And what he wants is Dirk Strider, coming to his rescue and keeping him safe from his latest aggressor. Kinda like Brobot always protected Jake from feeling unsafe when he was threatened:

Brain Ghost Dirk even calls himself Jake’s boyfriend, and this is after Dirk broke up with him and he worried about not being able to love anyone:

And right before Dirk breaks them off, while Jake is in trickster form and completely uninhibited, he confesses feelings to Dirk and makes a point to note he was willing to be romantically involved with him:

And luckily, as for his relationship with his shorts, Jake had a good pal give him some advice and boost his self-confidence:

And over the course of [S] Credits, Jake apparently patches things up enough with Dirk that they’re living together and can comfortably fight for fun like he always wanted. On top of that, he’s recovered his confidence in his image enough that he can act out the sexy superhero fantasy he loved so much:

Both his relationship with Dirk and his relationship with his body are sorted out, and Jake’s now happy and comfortable with himself. How it happened, exactly? Who knows–there’s as many different ways it could’ve gone down as you can imagine. But the fact is, it did. And it was laid out this way from the beginning. 

What’s the exact nature of Dirk and Jake’s arrangement? Not really relevant. What we know is that they’re living together, that Jake was always willing to have a relationship with him and that never stopped being a thing, and that Jake trusts Dirk with his safety over literally anything else.

What we know is that they’re best friends and mutually romantically interested in each other, whether or not they decide to pursue that. 

We also know Jake always liked dressing sexy so long as he was safe and didn’t have to worry about people dehumanizing him. And in this new world, he can do that as much as he wants, too:

Anyway Jake English is the best character in Homestuck and he’s happy with his boyfriend Dirk canonically, and he’s also happy and comfortable with his body while doing it because that was never the issue when he was with Dirk.

Tomorrow I should be following this up with one last Jake post–this one talking about how Jake is way way smarter than everyone thinks he is. You know. Except for Dirk, who explicitly knows Jake is smart. 

After that, we can move on to Roxy. If you’re interested in my writing, I’m also working on a youtube series aiming to make Homestuck understandable to a broad audience you can find here. Next episode should be dropping before the end of the weekend. 

See you again soon. Keep Rising. 

some relatively coherent thoughts on brain ghost dirk

i was always a little torn on what to think of him and whether he represented dirk or hal, since bgd tells us that he’s a representation of dirk through jake’s understanding of him, but overall comes across much more like hal 

so here’s the thought: he takes on whatever form jake expects/wants at the moment

first appearance: jake’s memory of his 13th birthday’s conversation with dirk. bgd acts out the part as past dirk perfectly until it’s disrupted by his accidental acknowledgement that they’ve already had this conversation. as soon as jake becomes aware that he’s dreaming, and when he becomes aware that he’s not talking to “real dirk”, bgd behaves much more like hal. jake explicitly states this.

bgd appears again when jane is threatening jake with sexual slavery, and behaves like hal, as a reflection of both the situation (sexual objectification and harassment) and as a reflection of jake feeling very overwhelmed and insecure after having been yelled at by jane for ignoring her feelings for him/making her listen to all of his problems, forcibly drugged by her, broken up with by dirk (complicated situations notwithstanding. remember how everyone just awkwardly shut up after dirk broke up with him despite the fact that they were still hyped up?), seen jane be brainwashed, been sent to prison and promptly objectified and told he’s only good for his body… he’d been through the emotional gauntlet at this point. i’m probably missing some details, too. 

anyway the point is that hal/the AR liked to needle jake at all of his sore points, so it’s no wonder that bgd takes this on when jake’s so run down. particularly the sexual slavery part — no doubt some of the memories of hal’s words were in jake’s mind at the time. 

then, bgd in the infamous princess bride scene. bgd is dirk again, here, i think. as a manifestation of what jake understands about dirk — that dirk is a deeply caring person who would do anything to protect his friends because of how much he loves them, and that because of both the physical distance between them and the dangerous nature of their lives, dirk’s worry for them came through with his attempts to protect them from physical danger (lil seb, the brobot). dirk comes to jake’s rescue the way jake wanted earlier while in prison,

but couldn’t manage because the memory of hal was too strong.  

so there’s my thoughts about brain ghost dirk, sorted out at last, hopefully. a representation of dirk as projected through jake’s understanding of him indeed. 

anonymous asked:

okay so as i slowly slog my way through homestuck (jesus act 6 how long are you??) i'm like BAFFLED by the idea that dirk is this manipulative mastermind. dude's plans literally seem to end in "FUCK I DON'T KNOW CHOP MY HEAD OFF" meanwhile jake english fucking talks people in circles until he gets what he wants and bats his pretty eyelashes like he has no idea he did it. is this another thing that's like, improved by the archive read maybe?

AND THAT WAS NOT EVEN HIS PLAN. I mean, it was the AR. I remember back when I first read HS and I resisted that idea, and like. The session entry was AR’s horrible cruel plan.

Dirk plays at control while never quite managing it. And Jake English is the fucking greatest fucking character and I love him. I love my handsome selfish boy.

I genuinely think the archive reads is much much better than the live read. I’ve had so many conversations where I’ve talked to live readers and been like “okay how did you not know this” or “how did you think this was ambiguous” and such, and the answer is always that a live reader got these updates in trickles and never got the overall cohesive story, and so much time was left that they were left to their own conclusions for so long. Like, a prime example to me is people who say Davekat came out of nowhere in the Retcon. Like. No, it didn’t. Davekat was strongly telegraphed long before it happened. But due to the pauses and things, many people didn’t pick up on it.

It’s wild. I’m so glad I’m an archive reader. Alphas 4 lyfe.

I feel like Dave would have had a much more harmonious childhood if Bro had had a big buff gentle giant of a boyfriend like Jake. Like I mean just imagine all the things:

  • Jake would never let Dirk try to throw a baby off the roof
  • Jake calling little Dave ‘pumpkin’
  • Cute little family vacations to Jake’s island where Dirk always gets sunburned but they still have a good time
  • Family Halloween costumes (Jake as the Scarecrow, Dirk as the Tinman and baby Dave in a lion onesie and they talk Roxy into being their Dorothy? Idk)
  • Dirk and Jake out walking with lil Dave and holding one of his hands each and swinging him between them.
  • Dave not wanting to share Jake with Dirk when they’re playing and Dirk getting so impatient
  • Jake always convincing Dirk not to ground Dave when he fails a class or comes home way after curfew
  • Jake making his grandma’s special soup when Dave is sick
  • Dave having an awkward crush on Jake when he’s thirteen, but Jake never notices because he’s oblivious like that
  • Jake always forcing Dirk and Dave to hug and make up after a fight

Q: how to instantly improve Dave’s childhood
A: add Jake

anonymous asked:

Why do you think Jake was running away from Dirk and complaining about him? I just can't imagine what was happening in his head to do such things, also I have a hard time believing that Jake loves Dirk romantically although I want to. I've been reading your analysis and I'm still not sure.

So remember when this was going on:

While Grandpa was off doing…fucking this:

Jake’s fundamental problem is the same as Grandpa’s: Escapism. In Grandpa, that misery and desire for escapism seems to grow into outright delusion–the guy seems plain old not that in touch with reality.

That’s how Jake operates when he has problems he doesn’t like and he doesn’t want to do better. Jake runs away because Dirk is needy and suffocating–the dude ain’t perfect, and he’s not any better at talking about his problems than Jake is because he likes to pretend they don’t exist by subsuming them into his (fake as shit) hypercapable persona.

But Dirk was needy and suffocating in the first place at least partly because Jake had already hurt his feelings pretty badly several times over, and led Dirk to believe he was most likely straight. Jake is aware of this!

But Jake would, in all things, prefer to resolve his conflicts in a way that doesn’t require him to acknowledge or address any way he might have possibly fucked up or hurt his friend’s feelings. That’s why neither of them can make actual progress on improving their relationship–Jake is as willfully ignorant about the core of their issues as Dirk is willfully burying them to keep up his front. And neither of them will likely talk about how Jake really felt about Brobot or about the whole AR situation for that exact same reason. Jake is busy immediately trying to forget any of that existed or could, in fact, have been parsed as a problem. Dirk is terrified of hearing Jake’s real answer. 

My friend Sburb (who I mysteriously can’t tag?? sorry about that) made a really good point about Jake’s planet–Xenon. Xenon can be used as an anesthetic, numbing one’s perception of the world, and that lines up with Jake’s modus operandi perfectly. It’s not that Jake doesn’t like Dirk, but that he is deeply terrified of confrontation and numbs himself to any possibility that may require it. Like, it’s no mistake that Jake’s innate sense of happiness and ignorance ramp up in intensity PRECISELY to match the most depressing thing he’s confronted with–Erisolsprite. Jake knows how miserable and angry Erisol is on some level, but acknowledging that would be really sad and require Jake to do something probably uncomfortable! So he doesn’t, and he pretends there isn’t a problem instead. Like. Really aggressively.

After like SIX MONTHS of enjoying Dirk’s company despite all these issues on BOTH their ends, long past the point when people who weren’t teenagers who don’t know what they’re doing would have sat down and said “Ok there’s definitely a problem here, let’s talk about it,”–yeah, all these underlying problems stress Dirk out enough that he gets to be too much for Jake and he runs away. Where he goes right on thinking about Dirk all the time, subjecting Jane to long rambles about him, and when Caliborn comes calling Jake spends his time making comments like this:

Which is A) Trolling Caliborn to some extent and really fucking funny, I love you Jake, B) Indication that Jake is now a lot more comfortable positioning himself as mlm than he was when talking to Jane, and C) That last one is obviously a reference to Dirk that Jake is making intentionally. Jake is, again, sharper than he’s given credit for. He knows what classpects are and he’s spent six months in a session where there’s exactly four of them. Even while running away, Jake is still making comments about Dirk that would absolutely be flirting if he were talking to the guy himself, and still largely thinking positively about him. 

Jake running away doesn’t reflect his feelings for Dirk. It reflects his obsessive need to avoid confrontation, and his willingness to believe anything he can tell himself to avoid it. 

a postgame dirkjake mix - on reconciliation and getting back together

the decemberists - make you better // hannah georgas - robotic // modest mouse - missed the boat // bon iver - come talk to me // electric president - the violent blue // allie moss - dig with me // passion pit - all i want // sufjan stevens - futile devices // vance joy - mess is mine // said the whale - loveless

jake’s bare ass

can you imagine being dirk though and having your boyfriend insist on this costume. when you try to talk him into wearing some shorts or something he gets all offended. strider it has to be authentic, the na’vi wear almost nothing, I know for a fact you’ve seen the movie enough times to know that! jeez! now help me get the stripes on my back, they have to be parallel and I can’t reach that far. on the double mister!

and dirk just sighing and going back to work as jake double and triple checks his loin cloth for movie consistency. 

jake leaving his na’vi makeup smeared everywhere like a shitty troll cosplayer and kanaya just cringing as she watches every surface of the house become bluer. roxy (since jane cannot bring herself to do so) makes a “guess you blue yourself” joke and jake eagerly replies oh yes, but of course, I had help from strider! dirk is dying. free him from hell. 

anonymous asked:

Yes hello I'd like to thank you for freeing Jakes soul and opening the eyes of homestuck bc I kiiiind of picked up on this the first time I read but completely forgot and thought I was just mistaking myself when I noticed nobody else talked abt I hope now his soul can finally be happy

jake really does deserve to be happy, too bad andrew thrussy didnt complete him damn character arc, even though it would have been as easy as jake changing his god tier outfit to something he felt comfortable in because of what that would symbolize (and something callie to said to dirk once made me think they were foreshadowing that)

Headcanon time! Okay picture this. Dirk and Roxy never had any humans around to communicate verbally with. Roxy only needed to use her voice when she was talking to chess people and her cats (because who doesn’t talk to their cats). Dirk never had anyone so he learned how to rap and made the rap bots to practice. 

But since most of their vocabulary is internet learned, there are tons of words that the both of them never learned to pronounce properly. Like Dirk actually thinks ‘ambush’ and ‘plush’ rhyme perfectly. And nobody knew until they all met in person. And Roxy’s asking Jane why she looks so “mel-ON-cho-ly.” And Jake is just so horribly confused when Dirk’s talking about the ‘pheelo-SO-pher’ ‘Plahtto’ and ‘p-sy-cho-logy’ but just thinks Dirk’s using especially fancy words that he’s too dumb to understand, or he does figure out what he means but still doesn’t say anything so Dirk doesn’t feel stupid. 

And Roxy figures out pretty quick that she does it because Jane will always try to correct her and Roxy’s just like ‘lmfao i been sayin that word that way my whole life i aint about to quit now’ And she starts doing it on purpose just ‘cause it drives Jane nuts. And because Jake won’t correct Dirk, Dirk just keeps doing it until he happens to say one in front of Jane and she corrects him instantly. And he gets SO embarrassed and like, “Jake, why didn’t you tell me I was saying that wrong?” And Jake’s just “I’m sorry!!!” 

And AR knows how to pronounce everything right because he’s literally a computer but he absolutely refuses to tell Dirk he’s said something incorrectly because he’s a lil shit and it’s funny how red Dirk gets when Jane tells him ‘island’ is not pronounced ‘izz-land’ after saying it 50 times in front of Jake already. 

btw, Jake’s vocab is mostly learned from movies rather than the internet and he had his grandma to talk to for a little while at least. So he might mess up words occasionally but not nearly as bad as Dirk or Roxy. 

My Gemstuck AU Timeline

Okay. Long as post in coming.

5000 years ago, War shit goes down. War is won by Sapphire (Jane), Topaz (Dirk), and Rhodochrosite (Roxy).

1000 years pass. Emerald (Jake) is found at the Kindergarten and taken in by the Rebels, now named the Alpha Gems.

1990s. Jack Egbert comes strollin’ into town with a portable keyboard and plays a show at a music festival going down at the beach. No one really pays attention to ‘im except Jane.

Jack teaches Jane to play the piano, and they kind of…get together? In a way.

Dirk isn’t happy about that, at all. Well, Roxy and Jake have their annoyances about it too, on occasion, but Dirk is definitely the saltiest because he and Jane were sort of best friends and with Jack taking up all her time, they barely get to do best friend things, god damn it. 

Keep reading

okay so in this, jake is talking to brain ghost dirk which as just stated is literally just a figment of jake’s imagination, meaning dirk only knows as much as jake does. it’s like? kinda sad??
like jake KNOWS all this stuff but just like stuffs it way down like to feel better? like deep down, he KNEW jane wasn’t actually telling the truth in their conversation and that for her it was a horrible conversation. but maybe he just pushed it way down cause he didn’t want to embarrass himself by pushing it too hard?
i mean when someone says “no i don’t like you” i guess its not really the time to be like “you’re lying” lmao but 
man its still kinda sad thinking about how brain ghost dirk knows only as much as jake knows, yet jake is like.. legitimately surprised by some of the stuff he tells him.

I want… an AU… where dirk raises dave, and beta bro just doesn’t exist

single dad dirk, where dirk dropped out of college in his third year of an art + philosopher double major to raise then 3yr old dave, makes money doing freelance coding and odd jobs, and meets jake when dave is around 9 just when he’s starting to get sassy and has picked up swearing like a sailor from his older bro (to dirks everlasting shame) and dirk has effectively spent the last 6yrs in the most incredible dry spell and internally screaming at the fear of fucking up this child he is responsible for

jake takes to dave well, and dave is an openly affection seeking little shit because he grew up in a good (if a bit unqualified) home

Firstly I want to say that it is shitty that us dirkjake shippers are afraid to even go under the freaken tag just because we’d see nothing but hate for the ship. What is even MORE shitty is the fact that people are sending fucking hate anons to dirkjake shippers and telling them horrid, HORRID things. JUST STOP WITH THE HATE. ITS NOT FUNNY, AND IT IS CERTAINLY NOT ACCEPTABLE. While we are all entitled to our opinions, it doesn’t mean that you can bully people and make them feel like shit.  

Now, the update. The update was important. In fact, it was VERY important in clarifying the emotions/feelings/etc that the strider bros possessed. We got to see Dave finally talk about how abusive Bro actually was towards him. Dave ranted it all out, telling Dirk of the messed up, shitty things that he had to put up with. Dave explains how Bros abusive behavior affected him, he explains how his friends never really understood his situation, and how he wished he had someone who would actually CARE for him. Dave talks about how he doesn’t like to fight or be in danger, and his thoughts on heroism. Dave had to go through so much SHIT like jesus fucking christ….I swear this update had me on an emotional roller coaster that flew off a cliff. There is so much I could go on about with Dave and his situation but I want to talk about Dirk here. We got to see Dirk admit he was toxic to his friends, esp Jake. Dirk ACKNOWLEDGED (holy fucking shit) his toxic flaws and admitted that he still has to fix his mistakes, even when he’s not close to even touching the surface. On top of that, Dirk also took blame for all of his other shitty alt selfs (aka splinters???) and their actions. Because of this DIRK FUCKING APOLOGIZES TO DAVE. Note this shit cause damn! It wasn’t even Dirk who abused Dave, it was Bro but Dirk fucking apologizes because he feels as though Dave’s abusive childhood was his fault. (How can you hate this muffin???) On that note, IT WAS BRO WHO WAS ABUSIVE TO DAVE, NOT DIRK. Dave even says “come on man. YOU didn’t do anything.” along with “You aren’t him. You’re not responsible for any of this shit…” which is so bloody true it hurts. While he is an alternate version of Bro, Dirk is just a 16 year old boy who is emotionally unstable and can’t figure things out without messing things up. In all seriousness, there is a certain point where you have to realize that Dirk is not Bro. They may share the same dna (Like Dave said) but their actions and emotions are two total differential things.  

Now back to the DirkJake because omfg…

So, Dirk admitted that he “felt pretty bad about the role [he] played in [his] friends’ lives…Especially Jake” because he felt everything disastrous that had happened to them was entirely his fault. (are you guys seeing the connection yet?) Dirk believes himself to be a toxic element to Jake from day one and wouldn’t be surprised if Jake was avoiding him as much as possible. Dirk doesn’t want to poison another person, especially the people he already cares about. Along with everything else, he never blames Jake, or makes excuses for his behavior. Dirk realizes his flaws. It is within this page too, that we get to see that DirkJake isn’t perfect. Honestly, It was never perfect and I have no idea who said it was but DirkJake isn’t an ideal star. However, the hate it is receiving is unnecessary.

All in all, the update was incredibly emotional and hussie’s character development of Dave and Dirk is just so fucking great. Like malevolentbox  said,  Dirk saw through Dave’s insecurity because his friends could not. Dave recognized Dirk for his anxiety because his friends could not and then they hugged. This update was, in a lack of words, amazingly emotional.

Okay, Dave just about explicitly stating Bro abused him and Dirk admitting he was toxic as fuck to Jake is awesome

but can I get some Tavros talking about Vriska’s abuse? Because now it’s like, one of the only canon abusive pairings that people can argue aren’t abusive. Not having to prove that Vriska was a toxic pile of abusive waste to Tavros when it’s clear in canon would be great.

Like, please have him explicitly use the word abuse? Please go over every detail that makes tavris an unhealthy cargo spill of putrid shit so that I no longer have to? Please make it clear that Vriska did not help him, was not trying to, that she just wanted a Summoner boytoy and didn’t care for the actual person at all, wasn’t blackflirting with him, or that any other defense of her actions or the ship is wrong? Please? Just let me have this?

Did you know that you can ship two male characters without pretending they have no female friends, casually erasing female characters, directing hate and vitriol toward female characters who ‘get in the way’, or otherwise contributing to fandom misogyny? 

deathbyglamour-bot-deactivated2  asked:

In which Dirk is an angel and is assigned to protect Jake English, possible the most helpless human on the planet? Always almost dying, that Jake English. (Dirk loves Jake's dangerous spirit)

Felt like trying one of these again!  Available on AO3 here!


“You’re doing WHAT?”

“I told you, I’m going to sky-dive into the island volcano!” Jake responded cheerfully to his dear friend Jane as they chatted on the phone.

“Jake, don’t you think that’s a little bit TOO dangerous?” Jane asked, sounding incredulous and exasperated.  “Remember that time your parachute didn’t open?”

“Yes, and by some stroke of luck, all the island tree limbs seemed to reach out and grab me, breaking my fall!” Jake responded happily.

“Jake.  There aren’t going to be any trees when you fall down into a volcano!” Jane exclaimed. “Where do you plan to LAND?”

Jake paused.  “Oh right.  You have a good point there, Jane my dear!”

Jane sighed, audibly relieved.  “Please tell me you’ll never jump into the volcano, Jake.  There’s nothing but hot magma in there!”

“You drive a hard bargain, but all right,” Jake sighed.

The phone conversation finished and then Jake was left to his own devices in the middle of his deserted island.

Alone.  Always alone.

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more robotics team au frcstuck!

The alpha kids are seniors and also the club founders. Dirk is team captain and also the most overworked person in existence. He is borderline obsessive over the inventor models, he flashsteps everywhere and does everything and its pretty much a shop hazard but whatever. He is the ultimate multitasker. You cannot hope to beat him, he is simply the best there is. 

Roxy is the unofficial co-captain and while Dirk handles a lot of the robot integration stuff he kind of lacks interpersonal skills so Roxy does a lot more management on the side of coordinating people on the team. She is also flight coach; she’s got a head full of plans, a system full of adrenaline, and some choice words for stupid people who don’t know how to fucking play the game. 

Jane is in charge of the business plan and therefore focuses a lot on the the image of the team. She makes sure Dirk eats/drinks something besides orange soda, she makes sure Roxy isnt drunk before a match, she separates Eridan and Sollux, she makes sure everyone tucks in their shirts.

Jake isnt really a robotics dude of his own volition. Its just his best friend and his little cousin are so fucking into robots and he ends up helping them around the shop for a pair of extra arms, and then going to meetings, and recruiting people into the team that suddenly hes part of?? Jake calls his subteam BAMF and thinks he’s cool for thinking it up but literally every other high school team calls their frame subteam that.

 EDIT: I know Jake is a robotics dude and builds robots in canon - he does that in this au too! Hes pretty good at it, thats why hes on FBM (like we put him on a build team for a REASON lmao), its just the interest/hobby is primarily piqued and motivated by Dirk and Jade, which is also how i understood it working in canon. 

What really grinds my gears and works me up so so much is that in putting Jake down in the narrative of Homestuck he is so often emasculated and sexually harassed and no one says anything. Not his friends (who have even been the perpetrators of this terrible behavior), and as far as I’ve seen, not even fans. 

Like look at this collection of shit:

(and even though Aranea respects his wishes not to be kissed she still forces his mind to tap into his powers without his understanding or consent like oh god please no)

Like okay I know Caliborn is like this with everyone (when he refers to the girls as “bimbos” or “floozies” or consistently refers to Jane as “overweight”) but the fact of the matter is it seems like Jake’s friends see him this way too and it’s just too fucking sad

Even when everyone was having the big old feelings jam between being tricksters and going godtier, no one but Roxy even wanted to talk things out with Jake (Jane and Dirk were more than happy to talk about how bad they both fucked up thinking they wanted him to one another, but no one directly said anything to him), and he felt so shitty about himself he was too scared to talk to either of them. 

I just wanna create the Jake English Protection Squad and save this poor baby from further harm and give him friends who will love and respect him for what’s inside and not for his looks and I want him to be happy.

(sketchy picture shh)

AU In which Dirk is the prince and Jake his page that works as his bodyguard. First Dirk doesnt bother giving him a second look, but later they grow to like each other and become friends, maybe even a little more. When Dirk realizes that he loves Jake, he gets confused and ends up yelling at him and the whole thing is ended with Dirk screaming “Just go and die for all I care!” Jake runs away and hides to cry. They dont talk after that. Later, they go to woods and get attacked. When the attackers are about to kill Dirk, Jake jumps in the way. He was stabbed with sword through his chest. His last words were “As you wish, my prince.”