i laughed so hard i peed myself

Johnny - The first time

Mature content ahead


Word count: 2.3k


I sighed, and looked out the window. Another relationship ruined. All because of three stupid things. Me, myself and I. For some reason, everytime the subject came up, I always found a way out of the awkward subject. And what kind of subject is that you may ask. 

My virginity.

A 21 year old who is still a virgin. How often do you hear about them? Apparently none of my previous boyfriends had, and when I told them that I wanted to wait for the right time, they either said it was stupid, or that they didn’t want to wait for me to become ready.

And I just made that mistake again, to date an asshole, who only saw me as something to fuck and not love. And it wasn’t even like I was begging or expecting for him to love me all day everyday, but a girl needs someone to hold her and make her feel loved once in a while. And apparently none of the boyfriends that I have, had done that.

Right now there were only one guy still in my life. Johnny. My childhood best friend. The only person who could make laugh so hard I almost peed myself, and make me so mad I wanted to knock him out at the same time. And no, it wasn’t like I loved him, or even liked him like ‘that’, we were just really close. So close, that sometimes people mistakes us for a couple.

A knock on my window, made me wake up from my thoughts. I furrowed my eyebrows, and went over to check what it was. I looked out the window, and found two eyes staring right back at me. “Johnny?” I mumbled confused, even though I wasn’t even surprised that he was here.

Johnny lived in the apartment building right next to me, with some of his friends from school. “Surprised to see me?” he asked with a grin hanging from his lips. I shook my head and laughed slightly. “Not really” I said, and threw my legs out of the window, for them to rest there. Johnny sighed. It was almost like he knew what had happened, since he came at the right time.

“Weren’t you supposed to have a guy over tonight?” He asked without much emotions in his voice. I nodded. “ Yeah..” I mumbled, even though I knew he heard me. “I was.” I looked over at him, and saw he was resting his head on his hand. He looked me with an expression mixed with pity and anger. “And did he just run off like the others already have?” he asked me, with harsh but soothing voice. I looked at him, my eyes starting to tear up. He looked at me and immediately knew the answer.

“Fucking asshole” Johnny said, while gritting his teeth. I looked at him, with tired and angry eyes. “It doesn’t even matter” I said sniffling and drying my eyes, angrily. “Don’t worry Y/N, it will happen soon-“ he said, but I cut him off. “Oh my god Johnny just shut up.” I said annoyed and looked away from him. “You don’t understand, and you never will. You can have every girl on this entire planet if you wanted, but why does everyone keep running away from me?” I asked and couldn’t help the tears falling from my eyes. It wasn’t a lie. Johnny was extremely popular with girls, I knew for a fact that Johnny had slept with more than a couple of girls. He wasn’t a fuckboy, no, Johnny was way too much of a gentleman to just fuck girls left and right. He just had a very hard time saying no to girls (especially sex), and because of that, he sometimes ended up being screwed over too.

“Y/N please don’t cry. All the guys you have dated are just assholes, who can’t see how amazing you actually are” he said truthfully. But he just couldn’t see my problem. I let out a frustrated sigh, and wiped my tears. “Don’t you see it Johnny. Even though you say that It’s never going to happen. I’m never going to meet a guy who I’m so comfortable with, that I can give him my virginity” I said, as my tears kept falling. Johnny looked like he was thinking about something and then looked at me. “How ‘comfortable’ do you need to be with guy, before you can have sex with him?” he asked me, looking me in the eyes, with a generally concerned and curious look. I looked at him and thought about it for some time. I didn’t actually know the answer, I mean, how do you define being comfortable with someone?

I looked at Johnny again and shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. As long as he makes me feel loved and important, then I don’t really think I have a problem” I said truthfully. He looked at me and smiled sweetly, looking pleased with my answer. A long comfortable silence passed, and Johnny said something again.

“Can I come over?” he said, already getting up. I just nodded, knowing that if I would have said no, he would still be coming over. Not long after, I heard someone knocking on my door. Quickly I ran down and opened it, to see Johnny in his pyjamas. He stood towering over me, before giving me a hug. It felt good to be held by someone. I quickly hugged him back. We stood there for a minute, before Johnny asked me if I wanted to go to my bedroom. I nodded, and went into my room with him.

I closed the door behind me, and looked at Johnny who was sitting on my bed observing it. I looked at him confused. “What? Is there something unusual on my bed?” I asked, before jumping down on it. He laughed to himself. “No. I was just checking if you lied. But these seems to be made nicely and clean” He said smiling. I threw a pillow at him, but it just made him laugh harder. “You’re such a pervert” a said laying down, with my head resting against a pillow. Johnny looked at me for at second, before laying down next to me.

It wasn’t weird for me and Johnny to be laying down or cuddling on my bed. In fact it would be weird if we didn’t. I noticed the way Johnny looked at me. It wasn’t the usual he gave me, but a new one. He kind of looked in love. You know that look people give each other when there’re in love? Yeah, he was definitely giving me that look right now. I looked back at him, and kept looking at me like that, but he was… blushing?

I looked at him weirdly. “What?” I asked, actually curious about why he was blushing. He just shook his head. “I just imagined something that I shouldn’t have” he said. Now it was my time to blush. Oh my god. What was happening? This wasn’t what me and Johnny was supposed to do. We were supposed to be teasing each other, and calling each other names. This feeling was way to… intense.

But I didn’t stop here. And I’m glad I didn’t. For some reason I really wanted to know what he was talking about. “What did you imagine?” I asked and laid my head on his shoulder. Right when I did that his body tensed up. “Unusual” I thought, but didn’t say anything. He blushed harder. “N-nothing its j-just… no, nevermind” he said while looking away. That just made annoyed. “Since when did you become a softie?” I asked, wrapping my legs around his hips, while cuddling closer to him. “Don’t worry Johnny. Just tell me-“ “How would you feel about having sex with me?” he cut me off, while looking at the ceiling, almost in shame.

A sudden feeling of butterflies erupted in my stomach. I looked at him in doubt, if he was actually serious. But he showed no signs that he was joking. I considered it a bit. Was this the right thing to do? I mean I felt comfortable with Johnny so it probably wouldn’t be that bad of an idea.

I looked at him. “Okay” I said, slowly, and a look of confusion hit his face. “Wait, are you serious?” He asked making me feel stupid for even answering yes. He noticed immediately that he had hurt me, and quickly apologized. “No no, I meant it’s just… Are you sure?” He asked with worry in his voice.

“Better to lose it now than ever. So yes” I said, and looked at Johnny. He smiled at me, and when he noticed that I wasn’t going to make the first move, he slowly positioned himself over me, and went down to kiss my lips. He started to move his lips slowly against mine, almost afraid to break me. One of his hands were next to my head, and the other on my hip. I felt face and secure in his arms. The kiss started to get a bit more intense, and Johnny began kissing down my neck before taking his shirt off. My hands flew down to his torso and felt his muscles, while he was kissing down my neck again.

It started to get hotter, and soon enough Johnny’s hands were feeling up under my shirt on my stomach, anywhere but my boobs. He was afraid to touch me and make me uncomfortable. So I sat up, and pulled my shirt over my head, exposing my almost bare upper body. His eyes went wide, and I could see the tent forming in his pants. I flung my arms around him and put my mouth to his ear. “It’s okay Johnny, you can touch me” I said while guiding his hands up to my chest. He looked surprised, but didn’t hesitate to touch me, where I wanted him the most. I let out a small moan, which apparently turned him on so much, that I could feel his bulge on my inner thigh.

One by one our clothes were slowly discarded, and we were left nothing our underwear. “Are you sure about this? I mean, it’s not too late to back out now” he said, but I told him that I was 100% sure about this. He kissed me down my stomach, all the way down to my panties, and slowly pulled them down my legs. I was soaking. I could feel the way that Johnny also noticed it, and he just smiled. “You look beautiful” he said While discarding his boxers, and laying down above me.  

I smiled at him, and my arms flew behind my back, unclasping my bra. I was now completely naked under my lifetime long best friend, and was about get my virginity taken away by him. For some reason, it didn’t feel weird at all. I was actually happy that this was going to happen, with him and not some random boy, who didn’t love me.

Johnny had put condom on and was lining up at my entrance. He looked me in the eye. “Are you sure about this” he asked, and looked at me. I nodded and said ‘Yes’, while looking him in the eye as well. He started to slowly push in, and boi it felt like I was being ripped open. Tears stung in my eyes, and I could tell that Johnny had a hard time keeping still. He pushed himself fully into me, and tears fell from my eyes. Johnny bend down to kiss them away, and mumbled a ton of “I’m sorry, oh my god I’m so sorry”. We stood still for a couple of seconds, before I told him to move. He began slowly pushing in and out of me, hiding his face in the crook of my neck. I bit down on his shoulder, the pain becoming a bit more bearable, but it’s stinging and stretching was still there. I let out a bunch of painful moans.

I knew it was hard for Johnny to stop since I knew he was close, but the sound of my horrible moans, made him feel like the worst person in the whole entire world. Not long after he came, and fell on top of me. We were both breathing hard, and trying to catch our breaths.

“I’m so sorry” Johnny said, looking at me. “Johnny it’s not your fault that it hurt” I said brushing his hair out of his forehead. “I know, but.. I didn’t make you cum” he said, his voice full with shame. I smiled at him. “Johnny it’s not the end of the world at least I-“ he cut me off by kissing down the middle of my chest, down my stomach and then moving onto my thighs. I moaned out in pleasure. “Johnny you don’t have to do this” I said, letting out small moan.

“I know but I want to” he said, and began to kiss me where I needed him the most. I let out a moan again, and wrapped my hands his hair. He began to lick long strokes up and down my womanhood. The pleasure was so amazing that Johnny had to hold my hips down so I didn’t move. Johnny didn’t go easy on me. He saw how much I was enjoying it and, when he heard my moans, there was nothing to hold him back, from giving me the most amazing orgasm of my life. I felt it coming and almost screamed out loud when I came. Johnny licked me clean, and kissed my lips again.

“Thank you” I said smiling and kissing his smiling lips, not knowing what this did to our relationship, but all I know is that I will be happy with all of it.

Requested by anon! Here you go <3

finally my country did something right did yall see that BTS interview where they called our Kim leader “Mr. Monster” you guys dont know what that did for me it saved my life i literally laughed so hard i almost peed myself while i was at work


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♡ These are mine,, I can’t believe I actually came up with some SFW prompts…


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Trigger Warnings~~


1.“You’re not doing it again?  You promised you wouldn’t do it anymore.”

2.“I’m sorry…I-I…I just don’t love you anymore.”

3.“The world taught me to hate myself…and for a while, with you, I was learning to love myself…then you up and left and I realized I’m more fucked up than I thought.”

4.“You love me? How do you say you love someone and then leave them?”

5. “-are those scars?”

6.“Why do you always flinch when I go to touch you?”

7.“Are you okay? Did he touch you again?”

8.“Someone give me an Oscar or something….I’ve been pretending to be fine for the last three years…”

9.“I say I’m okay…but I’m not, I don’t think I’ll ever really be okay again.”

10.“You’re drinking again…”

11.“You’re disgusting! Leave, I never want to see you again.”

12.“I loved you. Loved, being the key word there.”

13.“Am I okay? Yeah, I’m fine…just…just a little tired.”

14.“I’m scared one day you’ll look in the mirror and notice how amazing you are and how way out of my league you are and you’ll leave me.”

15.“Wake up…Please wake up!”

16.“No! Don’t go, when you leave all the bad memories come flooding back.”

17.“I really thought you could save me….ha the joke was on me.”

18.“Squeeze my hand…no, no, no, stay with me, squeeze my hand.”

19.“I let you in, I shared my deepest secrets with you, told you everything you wanted to know, I trusted you and you, you went and told them everything!”

20.“Wait! I didn’t mean that, please come back.”

21.“I know you love me…I don’t know why, but I know you do and I can’t keep lying…I don’t love you, I don’t and I’m telling you this because keeping up this lie is only hurting you more.”

22.“I saw you….with her/him,”

23.“I’m here because I’ve been denying that I need help for awhile now and I’ve only gotten worse,”

24.“I’m tired of hiding, okay? I love you and I want the world to know.”

25.“Are you ashamed of me? Of course, you are…I’m fat and ugly and no one likes me…I’d be ashamed of me too.”


26.“I-I, I think I love you, I mean you make me feel funny inside and every time I hear your voice I smile, every time you giggle I feel my heart skip a beat…I just want to be around you all the time…is that weird?”

27.“You look really cute in that sweater, oh wait, is that my sweater? You look really cute in my sweater.”

28.“I’m not going to lie I live for the way you have to stand on your tip-toes to kiss me.”

29.“I missed you too! Oh, oh don’t cry…here, here, I got you.”

30.“Repeat after me: I am beautiful/handsome, I am strong, I am worthy, now I don’t just want you to repeat it, I want you to believe it.”

31.“Why didn’t you just tell me? I’ve liked you for the longest time…you have no idea.”

32.“I-I’m sorry, it’s just when you’re talking about something you’re super passionate about you get this big smile on your face, and the area around your eyes crinkle and you start to jump in your seat a little…sorry, it’s just something I noticed…go on.”

33.“You took care of me when I was sick…so would you quit your blubbering and tell me which soup you want?”

34.“It’s ten after seven, we’re late anyway, let’s just stay here and cuddle…please?”

35.“You know they call us tall and small right? Like ordering a coffee or something…”

36.“Honestly? I think it fits!”

37.“It’s three in the morning…you can go to sleep now…”

38.“Are you still mad at me? Come on you can’t still be mad at me! I’ll make your favorite food….run you a hot nice bath…oh, I know what’ll get you…I’ll give you a booty massage!”

39.“Food won’t fix everything…but-but it’s a start.”

40.“I’m sorry I ate your cookie, yes, I know you are on your period…Y/N, please just unlock the door!”

41.“Not to offend you or anything but I’ve had the hugest crush on you for the last two years and I’ve been trying to tell you for the last year…are you ever going to notice?”

42.“I was given one wish and I wished for you to love me…”

43.“Oh my god you are so greasy!”

44.“Dude, she’s got you so whipped! Have you ever noticed when she starts to talk you completely zone out, and get this goofy smile on your face?”

45.“Hold on, can you hold this?”

46.“Dude, this is your hand.”

47.“I went to go put on grab one of my sweaters from my closet and noticed they were all gone…Y/N…why did you steal all my sweaters?”

48.“Please don’t make me give them back! They smell like you and sometimes at night when you don’t stay with me, I need them, please don’t take them!”

49.“Hi, nice to see you again, two weeks ago you fake kissed me to make your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend jealous in our local coffee shop and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how soft your lips were since.”

50. “I don’t want to hurt you, I would never hurt someone as beautiful as you…”


51. “I want to kick your little ass, my stomach’s so swollen, I can’t even reach my toes!”

52. “I am not letting you name my kid after a character in a video game!”

53.“I’m sorry did you just say twins?”

54.“Babe…babe wake up…yes, I know it’s two in the morning but I hungry and I go really go for some taco bell right about now…could you maybe go get me some? Thanks, you’re the best.”

55.“You’re awfully mood…oh my god, I’m sorry, please don’t kill me.”

56.“I’m waddling around on my swollen feet, carrying your child, and you want me to apologize to you because I’m ‘moody’?”

57. “You don’t understand if she doesn’t get those pickles she will kill me, and then she’ll kill you, so my best advice is to stop your fussing and hand over the pickles.”

58. “Come on, can the baby be a junior?”

59.“  What do you think it is? I think it’s a boy….god, I want it to be a boy.”

60.“You’ve been throwing up all morning, are you going to be okay?”

61. “It’s morning sickness you jackass…”

62.“I’ve noticed you’ve put on a few pounds and I’m only saying something because I found a pregnancy test in the bathroom trashcan…anything you want to tell me?”

63.“I don’t think the baby is going to like your dad jokes no matter how many you whisper against my stomach.”

64.“I took a pregnancy test and it was positive…but don’t worry! It’s not yours.”

65.“Yes, I’m crying. Do you want to know why? I dropped my strawberry sundae and I just got it!”

66.“You’re pregnant that’s the only explanation for the morning sickness, the weird cravings and the mood swings you’re having.”

67.“This is so embarrassing, I think I just peed myself a little from laughing so hard.”

68.“I had such a smooth pregnancy and now it’s here, I’m going into labor and I wish I never let you stick your penis inside of me, you little shit.”

69.“Y-you’re squeezing kind of hard…I-I think you just broke my hand.”

70.“I’m sorry I’m being so mean, it’s just the baby was kicking all night and I was tossing and turning, I’m honestly so exhausted.”

71.“This is awkward but I’m pregnant and one of you three is the father…”

72.“I’ve been through three name books and I think I finally found one I like…how about…”

73.“For the last time, I am not naming my baby, mini- (idol of choice)! Why? First of all, because it’s a girl! Second of all because if it were a boy, (another idol of choice) is a much better name.”

74.“Oh don’t you walk away from me, it takes two to make a baby.”

75.“You stupid little shit! I told you to wear a condom, a couple seconds, it would’ve taken nothing but a couple of fucking seconds to put on a damn condom and now I have to tell my parents that their good girl daughter is pregnant.”


76.“I wish you would stop running, I really don’t like to chase my food.”

77.“Would you stop screaming?”

78.“Fangs, blood, veins under the eyes any of this ringing any bells?”

79.“You’re sticking that knife in all the wrong places.”

80.“Oh-oh my god your eyes…they’re black.”

81.“So are the legends true? Do girl werewolves get sideburns too?”

82.“We’ve been dating for a year now and I think I want you to turn me…”

83.“It’s not all sunshine and rainbows…sometimes the hunters become the hunted.”

84.“Not going to lie, you’d make a beautiful siren…wouldn’t even have to use your voice…your looks would be enough.”

85.“That is not okay! Would you please stop making yourself look like me?”

86.“ I’m not hurting anyone, most of the people I eat are jackasses…they all have it coming.”

87.“You have a tail, a fucking tail!”

88.“That’s not fair, you can’t use your compulsion to get me to do what you want!”

89.“Don’t witches worship the devil?”

90.“I’m sorry did I hear you right? You said you’re the daughter of who? The Greek Goddess, Aphrodite?”

91.“I’m really trying to not freak out…but I invited you over to my pool party and your legs just turned into a tail…a tail with scales…oh my god, you’re a mermaid.”

92.“Why…thank you, I also think these shorts make my ass look nice…oh yeah…I can read minds.”

93.“Dude for the last time, if I’m not picking up my phone, I’m busy…stop fucking summoning me before I block you.”

94.“Yeah… I have wings and if I need to I can shrink in size, yeah I’m a fairy, yeah like Tinkerbell…no, do not call me cute! I am not cute.”

95.“I’m sorry, I do love you but you’re not human anymore…you’re not my Y/N or (Idol of choice), not anymore.”

96.“I hate to tell you this but your best friend is a ghost.”

97.“I make people fall in love, my little bow, and my little arrow, we are quite the pair.”

98.“I can turn it on and off, I usually keep it off, when I was twelve I touched my best friend and she dropped dead on site…an eye-opening experience.”

99.“Don’t worry, I’m not here to hurt you…I’m your guardian angel.”

100.“Y-you, want to stroke my wings? I-I don’t think, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

If you come up with any other categories let me know!

It’s been four months since I’ve pressed my body into your comfort,
But it’s not the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other
Sometimes I can’t imagine that we used to
Run around each other almost every day,
When our knees were perpetually scraped and we were still
Growing out of our shoes
And into our bodies, our personalities
Most days I think mine is half you
And vice versa

Whenever I laugh hard enough to feel the crunch of my abs
Clapping in amusement
I think of all the times I’ve peed myself giggling with you,
So hard you wouldn’t know I was laughing
Because I’ve suffocated myself into silence with
The hugeness of it all,
And I was never embarrassed
I think that’s what I love most about you:
I’m never embarrassed

You are the first girl that caused me to break my own heart,
When I did something to hurt you
And had to come face to face with the dark part of me
That has the ability to hurt a person
But not just any person,
You – my best friend,
I felt terror in every joint of my small body
Until my mom drove me to your house at thirteen years old
With ice cream and a movie
So that I could offer up forgiveness and hope you’d eat it out of a spoon,
I somehow don’t think we’ve fought since then,
Over a decade ago
And I think it’s because that day taught me how to admit when I’m wrong

I think the blessing of meeting my best friend at ten years old
Is that so much of you is woven into every stitch of me
That I often forget moments of my childhood that don’t have you
Stamped across the memories
Or maybe those ones just shine the brightest,
Except I’m remembering us at fourteen,
Your hands shaking as you tell me you missed your period
I hadn’t even gotten mine for the first time yet
And I’m thinking we’re both too young for this
But still, I’m agreeing I’ll be the godmother,
And sometimes I still think I am,
Even if your mom drove you right to the clinic
And you spent the next few weeks crying in both sadness and relief
And I never knew what to say

When I think of that time I still don’t know what to say
But whenever someone holds my hand a certain way
I’m struck by those weeks, us camped out in your bed and watching
Bad reality TV to escape our own,
Our fingers trembling in the stark chill of your room
The way mine didn’t when I told you I like girls
The way you like boys
Because you were the first person I wasn’t afraid to tell

Sometimes when we go weeks without talking
I sift through these moments that built me
And remember all the times you grabbed me by
My heartstrings and pulled me through
My murky teen years
From twelve to eighteen when it felt like
I’d never stop living in the gray consequences of my father’s hurt
And my own self-doubt

Here’s to those days, but here’s to the better ones
And the moments I feel you tugging the strings from miles away
Like the stars swimming in the silvery blue light of the Milky Way
My blood to yours, my tears to yours
We’ve seen enough of each to know that our DNA is
Laced with all the stardust we gave to each other when we needed it most
It’s been four months since I’ve seen you but
As I’ve been writing this you’ve sent me a silly message
Like you knew I was thinking about you
And when I respond with something weird
I can almost feel your laugh in my heartbeat
And I know we’re still speaking the same language we
Created at ten years old
When we’d share a look across a room
And without a word know exactly
What the other person was trying to say
And I hope that you know with this poem what I am trying to say
I am trying to say thank you
For your love

—  to my best friend, with love // a.d.c. // 4.14.17
The Mysterious Girl ( Peter Maximoff x Reader )

Originally posted by pr0paganda

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6 (Final part)

A/N: Hi guys, this is the last part. thank you all for reading it, I hope you like it.

 Reader’s POV

˝ (Y/N), this is Thomas˝ Charles said, gesturing toward the young man in front of me. He looked older than Peter.

˝Hi˝ I wasn’t really expecting that he will be able to help me, Charles couldn’t so, what makes him so special?

˝What is exactly your mutation? ˝

˝I can control people’s minds, possess their bodies. Also I am able to stay conscious when I fall asleep. I want to teach you that and how to connect with people while you are awake. ˝

Keep reading

I feel like I need to share this in a long tumblr post.

So a few weeks ago I had this dream that I was getting food with one of my IRL friends, and we were talking about so many different things. Then, out of nowhere, she says “man, I really love Connor McDavid.”

And I’m sitting there like hold up, you don’t even like hockey. I ask her, “when did you start paying attention to hockey?”

She goes, “the fuck you mean hockey? He’s in that new boyband.”

Now at this point dream-me is losing it. I pull out my phone and google Connor McDavid and sure enough some boyband pops up. And, conveniently, the two other members are Dylan Strome and Mitch Marner.

To make this long story short, I woke up laughing so hard I almost peed myself.

anonymous asked:

2 and 8 with Luke???

2. “Did you enjoy yourself last night?”
8. “For some reason, I’m attracted to you.”

“I am never drinking again,” Luke stated, his voice muffled by the pillow he was he was shielding his face from the sunlight with.

“You say that every time,” you giggled, entering the room with two plates of pancakes, two glasses of orange juice, and a bottle of aspirin for your hungover boyfriend.

“Well, I mean it this time,” he insisted, “No more alcohol ever.”

“Okay, well, when the boys want to go out again next weekend, I’ll play the bad guy and make you stay home,” you nodded, sitting on the mattress while being careful not to spill anything. You leaned over Luke to put his orange juice on the nightstand, pulling down the pillow slightly to kiss his forehead. “Take that off,” you murmured, “You need to eat breakfast.”

“What’d you make?” he mumbled, slowly moving the pillow so his eyes could adjust.

“Your favorite,” you chirped. He looked at the tray on your lap, seeing the pancakes.

“Chocolate chip?”

“Would they be your favorite it they weren’t?” you teased. He smiled lazily, squinting as he moved to sit up against the headboard with you.

“Thanks, princess,” he said, leaning over and kissing your cheek. You took your plate off to let him have the tray, watching him take his aspirin to relieve his headache as soon as possible.

It was silent for a few minutes, the only sounds in the room being your forks clinking against the plates and cups being set down on the nightstands every now and then.

“So,” you said randomly, swallowing your bite of pancake, “Did you enjoy yourself last night?” 

“From what I can remember?” he chuckled, “I think so. Why? What have you heard?”

“Well,” you smirked slightly, “Ash texted me this morning while I was making the pancakes…”

“Just tell me what I did and get it over with,” he whined, leaning his head back on the headboard since he was finished with his breakfast.

You look your last bite of pancakes, reaching over to grab your phone from your nightstand. You opened it and went to yours and Ashton’s message thread, clearing your throat obnoxiously as you read him the series of messages he sent you.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with Luke’s hangover today, but I thought I’d tell you what he did so it makes you feel a little better.

Luke rolled his eyes as you continued.

As bummed as I am that I couldn’t drink since you couldn’t be our designated driver last night, I’m so happy I got to witness everything I’m about to tell you.

First of all, the house party had various penguin decorations for some reason, so I’ll let you imagine his reaction to that (and he was SOBER for that one, mind you). But the real point of this story is to tell you about what happened before I took him home.

You giggled softly as Luke groaned again.

He was pretty shitfaced (as were the other two idiots) and he stumbled over to Mike and, Y/N, you have to believe me when I tell you that everything Luke said to him was said in front of me last night

Luke: Mike, Mike, Mike! I gotta be honest for a sec, okay, man? For some reason, I’m really attracted to you right now… Okay?

Mike: Dude… You have a girlfriend.

Luke: (I cannot even begin to describe to you how dramatic this sigh was) I know, man. I’m sorry. Just don’t tell her. Please.

And then he threw up in a potted plant and I about peed myself, I was laughing so hard.

“I did not say that!” Luke exclaimed when you were finished reading Ashton’s texts. 

“Why would Ash lie to me, Lu?” you couldn’t suppress your laughter anymore. The blonde boy grumbled under his breath. “And while I don’t appreciate you telling other people you’re really attracted to them, I do appreciate the loyalty to your girlfriend in not attempting anything,” you snickered, grabbing your empty glass and picking up your plate. You leaned over and kissed Luke’s lips gently, feeling him grin slightly. You then pulled away just enough to whisper, “I always knew Muke was real,” before giggling loudly and flinging yourself off of the bed.

Y/N!” you heard Luke shout with a smile as he grabbed his dishes and hurried to the kitchen after you.

Weekend Box Office Projections

I’m going to be away this weekend, hanging with my daughter in NY state, so we won’t be seeing any of the opening movies.  That said, here’s my predictions of how they’re do. I’m batting about .80 for getting these right!

BOO!2: MADEA’S HALLOWEEN:  Going to win the weekend. I, for one, enjoy a silly comedy like this one; I’ve seen the first one and laughed so hard I almost peed myself.  I’ll wait for it to come out on demand/DVD, but Tyler Perry has a lot of fans for his family friendly Madea movies. Get a clue, Hollywood. Funny movies with all black casts are doing very, very well … see Girl’s Trip. 

GEOSTORM: Going to barely make a blip and get nowhere near the money it needs to pay for its enormous price tag. Why? Because every time I see a commercial for it, I think, “Hey! Another SYFY original! When’s it airing?” Seriously, what dinosaur thinks people will pay $8-10 to see what’s basically a pumped up version of an Asylum film?

THE SNOWMAN: Okay, Michael Fassbender is hot. I’ll give them that. But the trailers left me completely cold (Ha, get it? cold) because this is just another generic woman-hating serial killer who picks victims he/she/it deems a “slut” chased by a haunted/conflicted/moody male detective paired with a young, gorgeous female detective who ends up playing bait for the killer wearing a skimpy outfit. Yeah. Don’t care. Don’t think the audience is going to care. Might make as much as Geostorm. Maybe. 

Happy Death Day, a holdover from last week, might beat both Snowman and Geostorm. 

funny story

one time i was at school in dancing class but the teacher didn’t finish checking other kids steps, so he let us do what we want as long as we don’t get him in trouble. so 3 of my friends and i started to play spin and jump. we were playing for a while but at one moment, i fell down and started to laugh so hard that i peed myself. they came to me and told me to stand up and keep playing, but i just said “i can’t. i peed myself” they giggled but one of them grabbed a bottle of water and threw it on her. at the end we were all wet so the teacher took us to the principal office and we had to stay the rest of the week organizing the library during our recess.

anonymous asked:

What are your funniest stories to tell? I think that would improve my mood 1000%

Oh dear.  Throwing down the gauntlet, I see!  Hm.

Okay.  So one time I met my husband in Austin for lunch and then we drove home in tandem.  First, you have to understand that my husband is a state trooper, so he drives a black and white cruiser.  This tends to intimidate other drivers, who are immediately on their best behavior around him.

Everyone was stacking up behind him and I got tired of it, so I swung around the line of traffic and passed everyone and basically raced my husband in his cruiser and gave everyone on the road heart attacks.


One day my husband and I were in the living room and we heard a loud thumping and crashing from the other end of the house.  A few seconds later, my cat Finnick came tearing into the room, his head stuck through the handle of a paper bag that he’d apparently been investigating.

He went straight for me, because I = safety, but he was so panicky that he couldn’t be still long enough for me to rescue him.  He literally bounced off my boobs and went tearing back through the house to the other end and then BACK through, up onto my chest again and over the side of the chair (knocking over everything on my table in the process, including my open soda) to collapse in a breathless, panting heap.

I managed to reach down and divest him of his papery burden, despite the helpless tears rolling down my cheeks, and then he wanted to cuddle until he’d put the nightmare behind him.

I am a horrible person for laughing so hard.


In a similar vein, I once owned four horses, one of whom, Tar, was a very curious, inquisitive young colt.  I would tie a plastic bag to a whip and shake it to get them to perk up and pose for my camera, and one day I set the whip down while I fiddled with the camera and Tar picked it up in his teeth and trotted off.

The plastic bag blew over his face and he promptly panicked, but not being a MENSA candidate, he didn’t drop the whip.  No, he bolted for safety - his herd.  Who promptly freaked out at seeing that the dreaded plastic bag had EATEN TAR, OMG, and took off in a thunder of hooves.

Tar, of course, followed them at speed, blindly tracking their hoofbeats because he couldn’t actually see, and there was this whirlwind of horses galloping madly around the pasture for about a solid minute before Tar managed to drop the whip and safely rejoin his herd.  

I, on the other hand, laughed so hard I nearly peed myself, and the worst part was that I’d just run out of film in my camera, so I don’t have photographic evidence!  A true tragedy.


If I think of more, I’ll post them, okay, Nonny?  Feel better!

Confessions (Steve Rogers x Reader)

Hello my beautiful, wonderful readers! Hope everything is going well, how’s every doing? 

Anywho, this is a request for diving-into-wonderland (thank you so much for being so patient): A Steve request where you both fell in love but then during a fight (AoU) you get hurt badly. Steve rushes over to you and cradles you in his arms, trying to keep you awake. At the hospital, you’re in a coma for a while but Steve is with you all the time, begging you to come back to him so he can tell you he loves you. 


Grunts. Screams. Buildings falling. Crunching of metal. Gunshots. Arrows flying. Bullets firing. The heat of battle. Adrenaline pumps in your veins as you move in a graceful haze of fury. Your foot shoots out, temporarily hardening to steel, and slams one of Ultron’s robots into a nearby building. Vibrations surround you as you spin around, knocking another robot back with a steel fist then blocking a heavy blow with a steel arm. A third robot comes from behind you, attempting to target any weak spots. They dive for your knees, elbows, stomach, but you’ve trained for this. You’re ready before any of them land a blow. You can feel the vibrations with every step radiating through the ground to your feet. Every punch is met with a random steel body part to block it. While it is irritating that only a portion of your body can remain steel for certain amounts of time, you’ve managed to master the art of switching which body part is steel in any moment’s notice. It’s practically second nature to you.

While you’re fighting off any blocks from the three surrounding robots, unknown to you, a forth robot has noticed the other three’s struggles. It picks up a broken metal pipe, then waits for the perfect opportunity to strike. You side step one of the robots, sending it crashing to the ground, but your side if left vulnerable and it cost you. Before you can decided whether you should transfer the steel over to your side or your arm where another robot is about to strike, the rod rips through your side. It lodges itself between your ribs but not quite reappearing from your stomach. Your eyes widen as your body shakes in shock, the pain not hitting you yet. You fall to your knees, absentmindedly touching the bar lodged in your ribs then spot Steve who looks over you in alarm, his shield bouncing off the four robots. The hunks of metal fling backwards into a building, Steve sprinting over to you. The pain hits you slowly as an uncomfortable ache settles in the escalates to a searing burning sensation. Your torso begins to fall backwards, Steve catching you before you hit the ground.

“Y/N! Stay with me!” Steve begs you. “Come on, keep your eyes open,” He presses his finger to his earpiece. “Y/N is down. We need medical attention immediately.”

Your eyes flutter and you want nothing more than to close them. Anything to stop this pain. You open your mouth to say something, but then coughed roughly, another wave of pain following. Blood dribbles down your lips in a dark, red stream.

“It-” You gasp, your voice being cut off by a whimper leaving your lips as another wave of pain radiates through you. “H-h-hurts,” You finally stutter out, clenching Steve with a death grip.

“I know,” He murmurs then Tony’s voice comes over both of your coms.

“We can handle it from here Cap. Get Y/N help.”

“Are you sure?” Steve begins to ask but is sharply cut off by Clint.

“Get Y/N out of here or I will personally throw you off a cliff, Cap.”

“Rodger,” Steve quickly nods his head then as carefully as possible, scopes you up and runs to the closest helicarrier.  

Although Steve tried his best to be careful, you flinch as a new wave of pain came crashing through when the bar lodged in your side shifted. 

“Stay awake please,” Steve begs desperately, his eyes trained on the helicarrier. 

Tony already radioed over to the pilot so when Steve appeared, the helicarrier was prepared and ready for flight. A medical team rush over, completing as many task as possible in order to stable you with limited medical supplies. In the rush of taking off and the medical team swooping in, you and Steve were separated. The last sight you see is a bloodied Steve, staring helplessly down the hall then the door slammed and your world went black.

To say that your condition was unstable is an understatement. Nurses were constantly in and out of your room for a week, then finally it let up, and now you were sleeping. Well, not sleeping per say, but a coma to be more exact. The good news is the doctor expects you to wake up soon, saying that your body experienced a huge amount of trauma and needs time to heal. The bad news is comas tend to be  pretty unpredictable so whether you wake up soon or not is debateable. So far, it’s been two weeks and in those two weeks, your “sleeping” has driven a certain super soldier crazy (spoiler alert- it isn’t Bucky). 

The whole team comes to visit often, checking up on your condition, but it’s no secret that Steve visits a whole lot more. If it wasn’t obvious before, Steve’s crush has becomes increasingly prominent now. Under different circumstances, the team would have teased him, but they are currently restraining themselves for obvious reasons. 

At first, Steve struggled to sleep on his own, the nurses and various Avengers would often find him awkwardly slumped in a chair near your bed until Natasha knocked some sense into him (”You need to take care of yourself! Y/N would be pissed to see what kind of state you are in right now!”). Now Steve’s visits were after missions, or training sessions (and most importantly- a shower, at least some sleep, and a proper meal). Despite his attempts to care better for himself while you are in the hospital, it doesn’t make the whole situation any easier for the soldier to deal with, especially the regret. 

 “I’ve read somewhere that people in comas can hear you,” Steve sighs, running his fingers through his blonde hair. He grips one of your hands to keep himself anchored and took a deep breath. “So here goes nothing I guess,” He chuckles nervously then launches into explanation. “Y/N, when you first joined the Avengers, I thought of you as a teammate. The incredibly powerful and well trained teammate,” Steve adds with a slight chuckle. “You were terrified at your own powers and didn’t understand everything that was happening around you. Your whole life was suddenly ripped away and you were a lot of things: angry- no, pissed, frustrated, confused, hurt, and completely terrified. But you never let those emotions control you. Instead of being bitter and hiding away from the team, you embrace who you’d become and decided that if you were given these powers, you were going to make something of it. I’ve always admired that about you. Soon, we started training more and more together. I don’t even know if you remember this, but there was one night after a particularly painful training session that neither one of us really wanted to move,” Steve laughs at the memory. “Somehow, we managed to get up and you asked me if I’d ever been on the roof at night. I said no, then you pulled me up a flight of stairs to the roof… which we both promptly collapsed on,” Steve grins at the memory, continuing his story. “We must have stayed on the roof for hours, just staring at all the stars and telling stories. I almost peed myself a few times from laughing so hard, especially when you told me about the time you got stuck in a trash can. I found myself telling you about things I haven’t told people about in a very long time, like the stories about me and Bucky when before the serum, or about my parents and old friends. It felt… nice to finally talk to someone about all that stuff. That was the night when I fell for you. Suddenly, you weren’t just some teammate, you were so much more. You are beautiful, hilarious, incredibly intelligent, imaginative, and everything you do, you do with your whole heart. At first, I didn’t want to have feelings for a teammate. You’re way out of my league, and I knew falling for a teammate was a horrible idea. Every times I tried to tell myself I didn’t like you, which was a lot, every time, every single time, you did something that reminded me why I love you so damn much,” Steve pauses, shaking his head, then continues, staring at your sleeping face. “Y/N, I’ve had feelings for you for months now, too scared to tell you, but I need you to come back to us, back to me, so I can tell you these things when you’re alert and awake. Please Y/N,” Steve ends quietly, pressing a soft kiss to your knuckles. “Please come back so I can tell you that I love you.” 

Steve’s eyes linger on your peaceful face for a moment, then glances down at his shoes. He looks up, turning his head toward the door, but is quickly filled with relief when he sees no one standing there. It was hard enough confessing all of that to you even thought your unconscious, having someone else hear that confession would be awful. Steve smiles sadly at the tiled floor. He’s glad he confessed it aloud, even you weren’t awake, but now, more than ever, he needs you to wake up soon so he can really tell you. 

“S-Steve?” A hoarse voice asks. 

Steve’s head whips around in your direction, your (y/e/c) eyes baring into his blue eyes. 

I am so sorry how long this took! But I hope ya’ll like that, Steve is the best:) I’ve now seen Civil War, so guess who is now added to the list of possible imagines to be written about: (well he always was there, but now it will be more accurate- like Wanda) Bucky! Hope ya’ll enjoyed this, I’ve got a zombie AU waiting to be written. Love ya’ll 

Jon Hamm was hosting Saturday Night Live, his first time, and I was just getting to know him, and we were doing a sketch, a Mad Men sketch, I was dressed in an old-timey way, in a big dress, and I was huge. And I had, my plan was that I was gonna do the Jon Hamm show and I was due the next day. And it was an example of the beginning of what children do to you, which is they fuck up all your plans. So I remember saying to my doctor, Dr. G, ‘I’m gonna do the show and I’ll come in Sunday, and maybe we’ll do it Sunday/Monday.’
I did the sketch, I was shooting with Hamm on Friday, and I called my doctor 'cause at the end there you kind of have to call in every day, and the receptionist was crying. I said, 'What’s wrong?’ and she said, 'Oh, he passed away last night.’
I was due the next day. So it’s my first kid, I’m in a Mad Men outfit, I turn to everybody and I hysterically start crying, and a really pregnant woman crying is terrifying. So, juicy tears just like squirting out of my eyes. And it was like the punch line to a joke, it’s like, my doctor just died and I’m due tomorrow. And Jon Hamm, who I am just getting to know, comes over and puts his hands on my shoulder and is like, 'This is a really important show for me. I’m gonna need you to get your shit together.’ And I laughed so hard, I probably peed myself – I believe that going through crying to laughing adds like five years to your life.
—  – Amy Poehler shares a Jon-Hamm-is-perfect excerpt from her memoir Yes Please.
The signs as things I've done in a cinema
  • Aries: Shot a confetti cannon because I was drunk.
  • Taurus: Snuck 10 pounds of food in a midnight twilight marathon.
  • Gemini: Kicked the seat of the kid in front of me so much he cried (he was 12).
  • Cancer: Spilled my drink on my legs so it looked like I peed myself.
  • Leo: Laughed so hard I got kicked out, but snuck back in 20 minutes later.
  • Virgo: Left because the movie sucked, and got into another theatre.
  • Libra: Stayed in my seat to watch the credits so I could prove that I knew who the voice of an animated character was.
  • Scorpio: Flirted with the ushers.
  • Sagittarius: Danced to footloose in front of everyone.
  • Capricorn: Spazzed so bad at a jump scare I threw popcorn all over the place.
  • Aquarius: Fallen asleep during the Hobbit.
  • Pisces: Sat with an old lady sitting by herself.
My NYCC Shadowhunters Panel Experience

Okay so honestly it was up and down. The first good thing is I picked a good side of the theater to sit because Matt, Harry and Isaiah were all near me. Unfortunately so was she-who-must-not-be-named. So that was bad, also my phone kept messing with me, freezing up and telling me I had no storage when I specifically cleared my phone last night. Anyway I missed recording them walking on stage. 😞

Then I started shaking with excitement I was shaking so hard. But the cast was all so funny and sweet and beautiful and I was so close it was just so epic. My personal highlights were when I screamed “WE LOVE YOU HARRY!” And he acknowledged me with a point and smile. I screamed “WE LOVE YOU ISAIAH!” Twice and both times he smiled. The third one is hilarious… so there were book questions…too many for my liking, and I rolled my eyes so fucking hard just as Matt looked at where I was sitting and he saw me AND HE FUCKING LAUGHED! I nearly peed myself giggling. Finally when the panel ended a bunch of fans rushed the stage , I was inches from Mat, Harry and Isaiah, and I had my hand out. Both Matt and Harry brushed my finger tips, Isaiah smiled when I called him.

I WAS SHAKING. It was amazing. Also the swag was t-shirts of your fave couples in Shadowhunters bags. So people were just grabbing two or three bags and leaving. I grabbed a bag and looked in it…Sizzy. I mean they’re cute but I wasn’t going to settle. I hid my bag and saw a bunch that were knocked to the ground. In the process of helping pick them up I took my time and looked through a few bags having to fend off the crowd but I finally found Malec and Lucelyn which I wanted, they ended up in my bag BWA HA HA!

Even though I am EXTREMELY upset (near tears guys) about the autograph signing requiring tickets and not being able to see them up close I’m happy I experienced what I got to. I will cherish the good and try not to dwell on the bad. 😕😢😄😘

anonymous asked:

Once during a test in first grade I peed myself cuz we couldn't leave the room and I didn't tell anyone so I just kept slowly getting up and grabbing paper towel and cleaned it all up. No one ever noticed...