TW: men being assholes, ish verbal harassment, vague references to past abuse.
An open letter to the men who purposefully screamed at me through their car window while I was walking home alone at around 1.15AM tonight, proceeded to watch me jump and scream, and then speed off while laughing:
Fuck you so much for doing that to me and reducing me to cowering behind the lamp post a few feet in front of me. Fuck you for making me want to hide behind a piece of steel so I couldn’t be seen by any more of the other cars driving down the road so they wouldn’t do the same thing.
Fuck you for being the cause of me to hyperventilate in an empty residential street about ten minutes walk from my house. Fuck you for making me feel like that walk was an eternity away.
Fuck you for making me scared of the other two middle aged men walking behind me. Fuck you for putting me in the mental place that I perceived two pretty normal/sober(ish) looking men to be a potential threat.
Fuck you for the rawness that is my throat now from gasping in air badly like a fish out of water for the next forty minutes after you had your thirty seconds of fun and drove away.
Fuck you for the way I couldn’t control my fingers and hands as they were shaking trying to scroll through my phone contacts. Fuck you for the way I shook as I tried to jam my keys into my front door lock. Fuck you for the way that I ran down my front path because I suddenly had the idea that something could rip me away from safety when I was so close.
Fuck you for making me afraid to open my bedroom door even though that is the most irrational thing because obviously, obviously, no-one was going to be in my bedroom. Fuck you for making me remember the time in my life when I definitely wasn’t safe in my bedroom. Fuck you for making me remember him. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
Fuck you for making me cry. Fuck you for making me think he was right when he told me I couldn’t make it ‘in the real world’ for a justification for everything he did to me.
Fuck you scaring me.
Fuck you for reminding me.
Fuck you for laughing at me.
Fuck you for hurting me.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you