You made 50 Most your freshman year and narrowly missed our rankings sophomore year. How does it feel to return to Samwell’s hottest list your junior year? It’s nice. Thank you. It’s always great when people have good things to say about you. I appreciate it.
Word ‘round the ‘Well is that you recently attended Winter Screw 2013 with fellow 50-Moster and junior tennis star Camilla Collins. Do you only surround yourself with stunning people? [laughs] Camilla is a fantastic athlete and I’m glad to be her friend.
We’re not professional hockey reporters, Jack. We will call you out when you’re avoiding questions. Camilla is right over there. You’re interviewing her next, aren’t you?
Looks like you two had lunch together. There were chicken tenders today.
Some Samwell hockey fans have recently started a twitter account for one of your most prominent body parts. How do you keep your body so impossibly proportioned? …Hockey is a sport where you squat a lot.
excerpt from pg. 23:
John Johnson. Besides being one of Samwell’s hottest seniors and a hockey player (on a list already populated by members of the Samwell hockey team), you’re one of only a dozen Wellies to have graced the pages of the Magazine four years straight. How does it feel to be so objectively and consistently beautiful? [laughs] I mean, like, don’t get me started on objectivity—especially when it comes to qualities that need to be perceived in order to gain existence in the first place. Man. The whole existence through perception and the imperfection of knowing thing keeps me up at night. [long pause] Theoretically.
We’re not following. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I’m pretty thrilled to be featured in this magazine for a definitely fictional college that exists only in the limited universe of a comic—a comic on the internet which is like 1’s and 0’s. Like, do you know Eric Bittle? He wasn’t even mentioned in this post until 8 words ago. Bro. Like. I’m just—you’re asking me about being in the Swallow and I’m freaking out about how this is all in the same world as like, Bitty’s stuffed rabbit. I’m freaking out right now. [laughs]
Can you talk about your abs? My abs are pretty killer not gonna lie.
I asked a 50 year old client about his relationship with his 25 year old girlfriend, who is the complainant in the aggravated harassment case against him. He said “things used to be good, we had dates and spent time together and had coitus…” I almost started laughing at the last part. Keep in mind this guy is a contractor, not a doctor. I’d expect him to say something like “we boned a lot.”
Hey John, have you ever seen aliens from your space station? If you ever do, please take a selfie for your old uncle Jensen! (~firefighter-tracy)
not.” John laughs, “The nearest candidates for extraterrestrial life are most likely in the terrestrial exoplanets that lie at a distance
of up to 50 light-years from our Solar System.”
“There’s potential in bodies like the moons of Jupiter. With oxygen atmospheres and liquid water under the crust. The probability that the communications of
sentient, humanoid extra-terrestrial life forms reaching Planet Earth are less than 0%, let alone their physical sighting…”
“And I don’t send people selfies...” Selfies are a kind of touchy subject. That happens when someone thinks you’re sending one when in reality you’re, well… lets just say he’s very glad Eos is on their side now.
we watched as our parents’ marriages disintegrated from the ground up and all that is left is whispers of “it wasn’t always like this”
he can’t remember what it’s like to need to have his arm around her, hands moving slowly and purposefully, fingers brushing away stray pieces of hair
he sits at the opposite end of the couch, his fingers are clamped around a cigarette
she doesn’t know what it feels like to be clutching his hand around every turn, “slow down” with that laugh that was once so intoxicating to him
crash the fucking car, maybe then we won’t be stuck with each other forever
we loved so deeply and frantically with shaky fingers. give it a few years, our toes will go numb until it consumes us. we were a tragedy waiting to happen and we knew exactly what it looked like before it even snuck up on us
Today, I saw a scrawny elder lady pushing herself in a wheelchair. I walked outside in my AoT cosplay (Eren), and I asked her if she needed help. She said “yes and thank you”. So I was pushing her and about a few feet later I jokingly asked" How fast do you wanna go?“ She grabbed her armrests, turned her head to speak and said” Run like Armin is about to be eaten.“ I smiled the biggest smile in forever and pushed this 50 year old lady five fucking blocks running at full speed. Her and I had such a great time talking about our favorite animes and laughing at some really bad anime jokes. Just imagine this fifty year old lady joking about Marco being half the man he was. Her name was Marie and she is the greatest lady in the history of all histories.
One of my best friends at work is a huge Legends of Tomorrow fan and today all we talked about was the new episode and the preview. We were making jokes and he came up with the idea that since Ray and Kendra are stuck in the 50s for two years, they eventually have a daughter they have to leave behind when they get rescued (Rip promises they’ll go back for her after the mission but for some reason it doesn’t happen???).
And said daughter goes on to become Leonard’s mom (since he obviously has African genes).
And the whole shift we were laughing about the prospect of Leonard having to live with the fact that fucking Ray is his grandfather.
And suddenly arguments like these are a common occurrance:
Leonard: I could’ve frozen Savage on the spot if Big Bird over here hadn’t gotten in my way.
Ray: Hey, do not talk to your grandmother like that, young man!
You can’t say shit dude, your posts have invaded my brain so much I had a dream last night where I scrolled through about 50 furry posts and then reached through the computer and grabbed your face and leaned real close and said ‘say something relatable’ really intensely.
I keep thinking of all those angry homophobes in America claiming they were ‘moving to Canada’ after gay marriage was made legal in all 50 states and I’m laughing bc I’m imagining aph canada calling aph america and yelling “WHY ARE ALL YOUR ANGRY HOMOPHOBES COMING TO MY COUNTRY” and america’s like “idk they’re all pissed off about the marriage equality thing” and there’s a pause before canada’s like “…should i tell them that gay marriage has been legal in my country for over 10 years?” And america’s just like “nah I’m sure they’ll figure it out.”
Age: 2 years old
BTS’s Goal for 2015
V: That our songs will come out here & there while walking on the street
JH: Having a concert at a larger venue in Korea
JM: That our skills will increase quickly each day
SG: I hope our songs will be played wherever you go
J: Having a concert in a place with a lot of ARMY Bombs
RM: Triple Crown. Going up more. Making better music
JK: Having a concert on a really big stage
One Word to BTS
V: Let’s not change our relationship & keep going like this for 20, 30, 40, 50 more years, let’s be healthy and always happy
SG: Let’s have some leisure
J: Let’s go for longer than 20 years.
RM: Let’s enjoy this.
JK: Let’s work hard.
One Word to ARMY
V: Always take care of your health and love us as much as we love you (we really hella love you like crazy)
JH: ARMY are in my heart!!! Are we in ARMY’s heart!! ㅋㅋ??
JM: Please know that just as ARMY believes in us and supports us, we believe in ARMY the same way!
SG: Let’s go a long way~
J: Where is our hope for ARMY. Right, please be with us for a long time.
RM: I hope that we’ll be happy with each other
JK: Please look after us in the future too
So this couple comes through my line at work the other day and they have this big 50 pound bag of dog food, so of course I had to ask what kind of dog they had. What I didn’t expect was for the woman to start laughing like I had said the funniest shit in the world and the man chuckles like “we don’t have a dog”. Of course, this doesn’t explain the huge bag if dog food, so of course I have to ask what they’re feeding it to. The woman, still cackling to herself and slapping the counter hysterically, looks at me like she has been waiting years for someone to ask her and says “we have raccoons”. Apparently they have eight raccoons. Eight of them. Eight.
lmao it’s funny bc when Taylor was writing those songs… like Mean and Fifteen and songs around that time she was like what 18-21 years old? And that girl had no bloody idea of what was to come… what she would accomplish and what those albums would achieve… and that post going around about what 16yr old taylor would think of 25yr old taylor is so good… bc I don’t think taylor ever thought she would be this successful… this important… (I don’t think anybody predicted this)… and I’m laughing bc that 18 yr old had no idea… and now she’s 25 and really happy and singing those sons to crows of 50,000+ people… wow
i wish in 50 years there’d be a new popular boyband and people would put their picture beside 1D’s uan photshoot and be like “they would NEVER be as good as the LEGEND” and i would be laughing my dentures off in my wheelchair cos that’s the time i can rest in peace
I was just thinking abt David Bowie and how everyone’s so sad now and how ppl are playing his music as tribute n w/e and like I’ve never rly listened to him nd I wasn’t into him so I’m not really sad u know? nd then I was like well who would I miss if they died a few decades from now and I was like ‘Brendon urie ofc’ and then I imagined like 50 years from now when we get the news that Brendon urie passed away I would be so sad and then I made myself laugh imagining ppl playing “I write sins not tragedies” as an oldie
When I met Randy, he was looking for a hand, in front of Home Depot, on Ponce. He grew up in Wynne, Arkansas and told me that he’d always dreamed of moving to Atlanta, so he did, many years ago.
Randy: I moved here and got involved with a guy named Matt. We were together for nine years.
BW: That’s a long time.
Randy: In gay years, that’s like 50 something years *laughing hard*.
We used to live right over there by the Fox Theater.
He eventually died.
BW: How did he die?
Randy: He had HIV. He didn’t have to die of it though. They had healthcare up there on Ponce for free. He just didn’t take care of himself.
BW: When did he pass away?
Randy: He died in 2006. It’s been a while but I still think about him cause it was the happiest time of my life. I wish he was here right now. I really did love the guy. I did. After all these years, I still love him.
I’m sort of crying laughing because good queer stuff is happening in the world rn…like /I’m only 18 years old/ and I get to see one of the most influential western countries make marriage equality a thing in all of it’s 50 states…??! like just imagine what will happen in a few years?! This is incredible and although there is still /a lot/ to fight for around the world, I am very glad to be apart of this celebration right now :) I’m so happy people like myself, those who experience attraction towards others of the same sex, can finally express their love one step more so and of course, legally. Here’s to the future of equality and love!