I thought of your hands last April, holding my leg with your fingers wrapped around the back of my knee. I remember being completely uncomfortable but refusing to move because I didn’t want you to let go. I remember looking into your green eyes and smiling at you. You gave me this drunken smile. I see that drunken smile when I close my eyes and it’s almost been a year since I last saw it. That smile could get me to do anything in the world for you. I miss it. At this second, I’d take you back if you asked… I’m sure I’ll change my mind tonight when I see you with her.
These memories kill me but I refuse to let them go.
You’re like a drug that I’m addicted to. I keep coming back to you because all I can remember are good times. I only thought about how euphoric you made me feel, but never about the pain that came along with it. You made me sad more than you made me happy. I need to remember that. I need to remind myself that. Only then can I move on.
-It’s a new year, and I think I’m done with the pain.
I don’t mind crying. I used to try to hold back tears and build a dam to trap my feelings, but it’s not worth it. It’s not worth having all of this sadness bottled up, just waiting to be shaken a little too much the wrong way, only to explode. The pressure is too much. Sometimes crying just hurts, but inevitably, things start to get better. Crying cleanses the mind, body, and soul.
9:44pm thoughts// cry often, and don’t be afraid to cry loudly