doing my job as his stylist, making sure that his clothes were the perfect fit
for when he set foot on the red carpet. My job also included doing his makeup.
Kyungsoo didn’t like having a lot of people around him so when they found me
they were very pleased to find out about my makeup classes.
I was a
recent University graduate student when they hired me. It was my first real job
and I was so happy to have it. Can someone imagine how it would feel like to be
doing your most desired job for one of the most famous actors in the country?
It felt like a dream. I would be able to pay for my student loans and maybe
have it a little bit easier.
time it all changed we were both twenty two and I had been working for him for
about a year
“Have you talked to her about it?” Kyungsoo’s
manager asked him.
I didn’t think much of it. They could have been talking about anyone so it
didn’t cross my mind that it could have been me.
he answered without opening hours eyes.
quickly on finishing his makeup so I could leave and let him have some privacy
with whoever that woman was.
better hurry then, we need to do this fast”
opened his eyes and moved my hand away from his face. I stepped away from him
and started to put the things away since we wouldn’t need them today anymore.
sit down please” Kyungsoo said.
to him slowly not sure I had heard him right. Was I the one he wanted to talk to? It made no sense but I still sat
down because he was my boss.
down carefully, eyeing Kyungsoo and his manager.
just want to ask you a question”
me a small smile, the kind that doesn’t show any teeth, and leaned his body
forward in the couch. I nodded my head slowly and smiled nervously at him.
always had something about him that made me slightly nervous. Especially on
those sorts of moments when he was more serious than ever before. It’s not that
he is a bad person or anything like that; he’s just so serious all the times.
It’s very hard to see him laugh, the kind of laugh that you use your entire
face and your eyes nearly close. Sure, he smiles a lot but when you look at him
you know that he is doing it just for show because he knows that there are
people watching him every second of the day.
“This is going
to sound crazy, I know that, but hear me out”
word that left his mouth I felt even more weary and uncomfortable. Kyungsoo is
the kind of person that only speaks when he has something to say, he doesn’t
just throw words around, so I knew that whatever it was that he had to say was,
at very least, important.
you to marry me”
time I didn’t know how to react to his words. All that I remember thinking was
that he didn’t ask me a question at all, he just stated something.
at him, so loud and so hysterically that Kyungsoo leaned back on his chair.
a reason why your manager always tells you not to tell jokes, they really
aren’t funny” I said after I calmed down a little.
not a joke, Eun Byul. I mean it. I need you to marry me”
second time he said it I knew it wasn’t a simple joke. Maybe I should have known
from the first second. Kyungsoo it’s not the kind of person who will just throw
jokes around, especially when he looked that serious. But in my mind it didn’t
make sense that he would be asking, or demanding to be more precise, me to
really don’t know how to do this” his manager said stepping away from the door
and sitting by Kyungsoo’s side “We need you to marry Kyungsoo, Eun Byul”
couldn’t see why what his manager was saying was any different from what
Kyungsoo had said; it was the exact same words just with a different pronoun. I
kept my eyes on them, my lips slightly parted.
you have probably heard about the rumors, haven’t you?” his manager asked and I
don’t think that’s actually a good enough reason to make him marry someone”
I was the
kind of person who mostly kept to herself so I never paid much attention to gossip
websites but every once in a while I would let myself get pulled into them. The
last time I did I saw that some people were speculating if Kyungsoo liked man
because he hadn’t been seen with a girl in a long time and whenever people
actually saw him out he was with a male friend.
seen with a girl before and it’s not like one rumor could end his whole career”
shouldn’t have spoken like that to the man who hired me but I couldn’t pull the
words back inside my mouth once they were out.
stiffed a laugh while his manager just groaned like he was in pain.
doesn’t mean that the rumors aren’t affecting his career, his popularity is
dropping really fast. And just imagine how amazing it would be if Kyungsoo
married you, someone who isn’t an actress or a celebrity in any way, just a
normal girl who was earning her living when a superstar fell in love with her”
he looked at Kyungsoo and smiled “This might actually work. The media and the
fans will love it”
over at my boss, highly tempted to decline his request, or offer or whatever it
was. I couldn’t just live my life pretending to people that I was in love in
with someone but above all that I couldn’t lie. I was terrible at lying, didn’t
know the first thing about it.
know that this doesn’t sound very good but hear me out for just a little
longer, okay?” the manager asked and I reluctantly nodded “We know about your
college debts so we will pay for that and when the two of you divorce you won’t
leave empty handed”
For a few
more minutes they kept trying to persuade me into accept their outrageous deal
all the while I kept denying them. Eventually they had to leave for the red
carpet so they said I could use that time to think about by decision.
were huge and I was in way over my head, that wasn’t exactly a secret. But
could I really get married to someone just in order to pay a debt? I wasn’t
like I actually needed. With what I made I could easily pay the monthly amount.
said one thing, just one thing that could seal the deal for me. They said that
I would have to move out of my house and live with Kyungsoo. And one thing
alone made me consider they favor. Not because I had some crazy plot to win him
over but because the idea of moving away from home sounded way too tempting to
say no to. I know that a lot of people would consider my reason foolish and
childish, but to me that alone was enough. I didn’t care about the money or the
“fame” they said I would get. I was just wanted a free pass from home.
For the entire
five hours that I stayed behind the scenes waiting for the red carpet and the
event to end I thought about what could possibly come out of me accepting their
think about it?” Kyungsoo asked when he got back.
as he took off his jacket and pulled his tie loose.
was low and insecure; my legs were shaking like bamboo on a windy day.
won’t regret your decision, Eun Byul” he smiled at me and I tried to smile back
hoped I wouldn’t.
that night absolutely everything changed about my life. I wasn’t just Song Eun Byul
anymore, no of course nor. Two days later I was Do Kyungsoo’s secret
girlfriend, fiancé, soon to be wife.
our story? How long had we been together? How did we manage to hide our
relationship for so long? Was I just a cover for Kyungsoo’s real relationship?
were the sort of question I saw when I looked up my name online. My picture was
in every gossip magazine, every website and every single fan site dedicated to
him. And it was like that for months. Somehow journalist found people that went
to school with me, soon enough I found myself reading about my childhood,
about my college days and even family matters I don’t even remember telling
couldn’t even pity myself too much for having my personal life exposed to the
public. Soon enough I found myself picking flower arrangements, decoration,
wedding dresses. Did I want a strapless one or should I go for something more
reserved and don’t reveal much? Even my wardrobe had to change. I could no
longer dress casually like before, jeans and snickers never again and Gob
forbid me of using the same clothes more than once.
like a puppet in their hands, a doll they were playing matchmaker and dress up
with. They changed every single thing they could about me, so much that when I
looked myself in the mirror I could hardly recognize that person. That hair
wasn’t mine, those clothes weren’t mine, that make up wasn’t mine. They went as
far as getting me my own makeup artist and stylist, me someone who did people’s
make up and chose their clothes for living couldn’t even do that for myself
really hate this, don’t you?” Kyungsoo asked from behind me, the concern
written all of his face “You can still back down, if you want”
turned to him quickly, shaking my head “I won’t go back on my word, I promise
you that. For the next three year you are stuck with me”
brightly at him, so much that my eyes almost closed. I was trying very hard to
get back to how we used to be around each other, easy going on most days.
Kyungsoo wasn’t someone who enjoyed joking around he always seemed to make an
exception for me. At first I didn’t understand it, his sense of humor. It was
truly dry, almost sarcastic. I used to think that every joke attempt that left
his mouth was true, when what he was trying to do was to make me feel more
comfortable around him. I only knew he was joking when he smiled at me.
there’s no one I would rather be stuck with” he smiled at me and took a step
forward. He was fidgeting. Whatever it was that he wanted to say was making him
nervous and that was certainly a new sight to my eyes “Listen, I’ve been meaning
to ask you something. You can say no if it’s too much”
quiet, waiting for him to feel comfortable enough to talk to me. If there was
one thing that I learned while working for him was that Kyungsoo hated when
people pushed him to talk. One would think that him being an actor he would
love the sound of his own voice. But he didn’t; he enjoyed the silence very
much, taking enjoyment in watching the way people around him behaved, saying
that it always helped him built his character a lot better.
“I want you
to meet my parents before the wedding, but they can’t know the truth”
to lie to them?” I asked after a minute of silence.
that was completely different from Kyungsoo to me was that he actually got
along with his parents, granted that he didn’t see them all that often due to
his crazy schedule but still, their relationship was a good one. While his was good
mine was simple terrible. My dad left when I was fifteen, one day he was there
and on the next he wasn’t and my mother was – putting it on easy terms –
the kind of person who would meddle in others people’s lives without a second
thought. She lost control more often than not. Her behavior got so much worse
after my father left us. For the most part I tried to stay clear of my mother.
I knew that made me a terrible daughter but I honestly couldn’t handle being
around her. Her words became hateful, our furniture couldn’t handle her stress
and hatred towards the world and at times she would become violent. So I did the
best I could to stay away, always leaving home at the crack of dawn and only
coming back home when school and the library closed. When I started to work I
thanked the Gods for me always having to be on the move, constantly following
Kyungsoo to a different city.
like you are telling your mother the truth either”
my head looking into his eyes.
right, I’m sorry. I have no right to say that to you”
gave me a small smile and took a step towards me. He was so close to me then.
He had never been like that before. He would always put himself in a safe
distance from me, or from anyone else for that matter. So to me that sudden
proximity was beyond surprising.
that you don’t want to lie, you are scared of people finding out the truth. I
know that but you don’t have to worry. I will protect you from anything,
wedding day came fast and with it came an incredible sense of nervousness.
Every day when I looked at the calendar seeing that red circle around the
number fourteen, a Friday, I felt like I was going to pass out. I kept
wondering if I was doing the right thing, if I had decided to help Kyungsoo
only for completely selfish reasons.
was messed up and full that I almost gave up, almost threw everything out.
reason to accept his request, do him this one favor like he said, was because I
wanted to escape my mother. I used to be away from home for months at a time,
away with Kyungsoo when he was filming or whenever he needed me, but when I got
back home I was never truly welcomed back. All my mother ever wanted was the
money that came with me. She used to take most of my pay for herself, only
leaving enough for me to pay for the students loans I took and every now and
then she would give me a little more, whenever she thought that I needed new
mainly two reasons as to why I had to start working in the first place. The
first one being because I had to pay for student loans I took in order to
graduate from college and the second was because I had to pay for mother’s
crazy luxury. I shouldn’t have to pay for either of those things.
was born my father put together a saving account for when I decided to go to
college or for whatever else I chose to do with my life. That was something
that my father always told me, he even showed it to me when he thought that I
was old enough to understand what was in front of me. Looking back at it that
money was enough to pay for my studies expenses and even more. But my mother
took that money before I could even graduate from high school and it was all
gone by my first year of university.
going to give everything up on our wedding day. I was going to call Kyungsoo
over and tell him that I didn’t want to get married, that I couldn’t bear to
lie to people – especially to his parents, such good people that cared so much for
their son shouldn’t be lied to like that. But I couldn’t go that far. The moment I
called for the wedding planner to go get Kyungsoo my mother showed up,
reminding me of all the reasons why I said yes to Kyungsoo in the first place.
brat, were you really going to get married without telling me? Did I really
need to read about it on a cheap magazine?”
walked in screaming at the top of her lungs. I turned to the wedding planner,
an embarrassed smile on my face.
you, please, leave us?”
woman looked between my mother and me for a second before exiting the room, her
steps careful. It was very clear that she didn’t think it was a good idea to
leave the two of us alone, but eventually she left us.
really have to be like that in front of people?” I sighed.
speak to you however I see fit, you are my daughter” she screamed even louder
than before, her voice echoing through the empty room.
my eyes holding my hands in fists, my body trembled slightly. Only my mother
could have that effect on me, she used to drive me insane that only looking at
me someone could tell the difference. If I was calm or I was nervous.
marrying one of the biggest actors in our country, you even worked for him. How
could you not tell me any of this?”
there’s one thing different between my mother and I was that I never screamed.
Not once in my entire life. I guess that since I grew up with so much of it
around me that the mere idea of screaming at someone made me disgusted. My
parents used to scream so much at each other that I could barely hear my own
thoughts. I thought that once they got divorced all the shouting would stop but
the truth is that, at a certain level, it got even worse. While my mother
screamed I retreated on myself, becoming more and more recluse within.
have the best of relationships mother, it wasn’t like I didn’t want to tell
you” I suppose is every daughter’s dream to share those kind of moments with
her mother but I simply didn’t feel like I could “You are barely going to see
him, so there was no point in telling you. After the wedding we’re going on our
honeymoon and right after Kyungsoo has a movie. I don’t even know when we’ll be
something else, do you know that?” she came closer to me, her voice low and so
much more threatening “Always so much like your father, always hiding things
from me. Look at this place. You are getting married in a place like to a super
star. How much all of this must have cost? I small fortune, I presume.”
have known that money was the only that would make my mother look for me. Money
was the only thing my mother ever talked about. Her world revolved around it, it
was the only thing on her mind. At a
certain point, when she didn’t have anywhere to turn to for money, she started
to sell house items like our TV, our couch, silver wear, anything that could
give the slightest amount of money.
don’t have to worry; I’ll keep sending you money. Your life won’t change
because I’m getting married” I said quietly, avoiding her eyes.
closed the distance between us and grabbed my chin, making me look at her.
to me, you little…”
couldn’t finish what she was going to say because the door to the room opened
and Kyungsoo walked in. Instantly my mother let go of me. She turned to my
soon-to-be husband pretending to be mother of the year.
Kyungsoo is so good to finally meet you. Eun Byul has told me so much about
looked at me over my mother shoulder, his eyebrows raised. He knew that my
mother’s words were lies. I made sure to tell him the truth: that I didn’t want
my mother to know about us. Not just the lie we were telling everyone else but
also about the fact that I was getting married at all. I didn’t tell him how
bad our relationship actually was but I think that he got the overall idea.
she has” he smiled at her politely, the kind of smile he did on press
conferences, the kind that wasn’t all that realistic to begin with “The
ceremony is about to start, why you go out know and get a good seat and let our
Eun Byul finish getting ready?”
course” my mother smiled at him and turned to me, the same fake smile still
plastered on her face “I’ll see you later sweetie”
forward, placing a kiss on my cheek. That was her typical behavior when people
were around us. She liked to play mother of the year. One would think that she was
actually a good mother.
left the room quietly and the wedding planner followed her out.
the door finally closed and the only ones left in the room were Kyungsoo and me
that I allowed myself to breath properly. My body was still shaking and I
couldn’t control it. I rested my head against my knees and tried to calm myself
down. But it was of no use.
her outside but I didn’t know who she was. I’m sorry”
kneeled in front of me. His hands reached out to take mine. I looked up at him
wondering why he was so kind towards me. His actions had changed drastically
since we agreed upon marrying. Where he was cold before he became present,
where he was silent he became concerned.
she find us? I know that we didn’t tell her, no one here told her about it”
information leaked this morning. There are reporters outside. I didn’t told you
anything about it because I knew it was going to make you even more nervous”
and held onto his hands tightly. I knew I probably shouldn’t be making Kyungsoo
my source of comfort, especially when we knew so little about each other. But I
couldn’t do it any other way. Kyungsoo was the only person that showed concern
and kindness towards me and I knew it was probably out of his own selfishness.
He needed me to be around because he needed my help but I would take whatever I
too much…” Kyungsoo started
I shook my head. Instead of holding his hands
I held his face, my eyes look straight into his
you before, months ago, I’m not leaving. You protect me and I protect you.
honeymoon, as expected, wasn’t like every other couple’s. Sure, when people
looked at us they could certainly think that we were together. We definitely
acted like a couple. We always held hands and made ourselves look extremely
close. But once we were alone all sorts of physical contact were done and we
were back to what we used to be.
thing that changed was our long talks. We decided that is was in our best
interest to get to know each other as best as we could. We were going to be
stuck together for, at least, three years. It was going to be the longest three
years if we couldn’t stand the other, especially considering that we worked
together – better yet, I worked for him.
two weeks that we spend together at the beach resort we got closer. I told
Kyungsoo things about myself, about my life that I never even dreamed of
telling anyone before. Things that I have always kept to myself, things that I
never allowed myself to say out loud. I never, not even once, imagined telling
another soul about. About my mother, about my father, about how I resented him
but still held him terrible close to my heart and every memory of him was
incredibly dear to me.
something about Kyungsoo that made me open up myself to him. Maybe it was the calmness
that he gave me, how I felt so at ease around him during those times.
the kind of girl who was secluded, that isolated herself from the rest of the
world. At least I wasn’t until my parents divorced. I used to have friends, not
enough to be considerate a popular kid but friends nonetheless. I was just a
regular girl, who went out with her friends on the weekends.
my parents were fighting they would still pretend to be a loving couple when I
brought my friends home, or they pretend to be a couple that lived in peace at
least. I really couldn’t tell the difference back then. But once my dad left
and I was alone with my mother, for a while she lost the ability to pretend in
front of my friends. She would start throwing her usual tantrums. I got so
embarrassed at one point when I overheard my friends talk about my mother like
she was some kind of episode in a drama. That was when I stopped calling them
over all together. I still kept in touch with them, going out every now and
then, but they never went to my house again.
take every opportunity I had to sleep at their place, to avoid my mother at all
costs and I think that at a certain level my friends understood all of that,
even inviting to their house for no particular reason. But once all of us graduated
we lost contact, some of them moved away and with some happened what happens to
been talking about myself for two hours now. I should stop, you’re probably
shook his head, a small smile on his face.
knew it was like that for you. You always seemed to have everything under
just a good front. Besides when I was with you I was working, I couldn’t just
dump all my shit on you”
I took a
sip of the beer in front of me, my eyes locked on the table because I was too
shy to look at him after everything I told him. Kyungsoo turned his head to
side, his eyes on me while he spinned the bottle of beer between his fingers.
the first time I heard you curse”
shot up and my eyes went wide. I hadn’t realized that I had cursed; it just
came out so naturally. That’s how comfortable I actually felt with him. I
hardly ever cursed so it almost came out as a shock.
scouted when I was seven. Did you know that?” he asked once he noticed my
discomfort. I shook my head “I was out with my mother when a woman showed up
and ask me to go for an audition. The first commercial I did was a hit and
after that I got called back for different jobs. Until things slowly escalated
and I was called for a movie audition”
started to tell me about his life, about how we slowly made his way to the top
by being incredible humble and accepting smaller holes until he managed to get
the main lead. No a part that someone offered him but one the he put himself
through audition after audition until he finally got it just because he liked
that character so much.
I was in
awe by every word that left his mouth, at how he worked so hard since a young
age. It almost made me feel like I shouldn’t be telling him about problems when
he had some many of his own. But at the same time it made me feel at ease. Different
people lead different lives and with it come different and unexpected problems.
from what we had previously thought, Kyungsoo and I didn’t go to the movie
location we actually just went home.
so weird to call his house our home because it made it seem like everything was
finally setting in place. In my mind the idea that we were actually married was
beginning to make sense. Our wedding day felt like a scene from a movie, our honeymoon
was more like a vacation two friends took. But moving into his house made me
finally realize how serious everything was. Seeing my clothes and personal
things sprawled in boxes inside of a room in front of Kyungsoos’s felt like an
out of body expecience.
sure what you would like so I just got everything white because it seemed like
a color you would like”
first I looked around, noticing all the furniture in the bedroom. At first I
thought it was just standard for a guest room but looking at it carefully I
could tell how much work Kyungsoo put in buying them. The furniture was very
delicate and the kind of thing every girl would dream of having.
you shouldn’t have bought all of this. I could have brought over the ones I had
I ran my
hand on top of the bed, across the closet and on the dress table. Everything
was so beautiful. Even though I was saying he shouldn’t have I was actually
grateful that he had. Living with him was a new start, a start that neither one
of saw it coming but went forward with it anyway.
but I wanted you to feel comfortable here with me. This is our life now, we
have to get used to it”
down on the bed and turned to face Kyungsoo. He was leaning against the door
frame, a hint of a smile on his face.
you being so kind to me, Kyungsoo? Shouldn’t this be one of those situations
that we don’t get along what so ever?”
out a small laugh, his head falling back for a second before he moved away from
the door and sat by my side on the bed. He held his hands together and took a
deep breath. Almost a whole minute went by before he said something.
told me that I had to get married they already had someone in mind. It was an
actress, someone who is slowly making her way to the top. Our marriage would
help her carrier and make the mean rumors about me go away. They even talked to
her agency and both managements were on board with it. But I said no. I wanted
to, at the very least, know the other person. I wanted to trust that person.
And I know that girl was a good person but I couldn’t see myself with her. So I
tried to look for someone else, an actress like my manager wanted. So I went
out with a few of them, like you already know. And then one day I opened my
eyes and you right there in front of me, always so kind and sweet, never saying
no my crazy schedule. I knew that just that wasn’t enough for my manager
because he wanted to make a show out of the entire situation. Gosh, I’m
rambling” he laughed nervously and I smiled at him, enjoying this new found
side of him “What I’m trying to say is that I don’t dislike you in any way
because I choose you. If you weren’t here with me today no one else would be”
and I made quite a good routine for ourselves. In front of people we held and
looked like a loving couple, but nothing beyond that. While some people thought
we were cold towards one another, others only saw as reserved people who didn’t
need to show how much in love they were in front of people. When we were home
we took turns cooking and cleaning, when I cooked he cleaned and vice versa.
comfortable living with each other and we were friends, something that made our
lives a lot easier.
me a long time to understand that Kyungsoo had chosen me. At first I thought
the whole marriage with me thing started because it would be easier to explain
how we managed to hide our relationship for so long. It would be easy to lie
saying that we hid it so well because we worked together so no one would really
gest suspicious about us. I honestly thought that was the case, especially
because it was the excuse his management gave to people.
On top of
that, his words confused me in a way that I didn’t think it was possible. It
didn’t confuse only my head but also my feelings towards him. I had never seen
Kyungsoo as more than my boss. Before the wedding that is. To me he was just
the man who paid me to choose his clothes and do his makeup when he needed it.
along the way my feelings for him escalated, ever so slowly. What was once just
employer/employee relationship became a friendship and then it became something
enough I realized that the only one who had those feelings was me. Although
Kyungsoo never went out and brought girls home he also never showed any kind of
romantic feelings towards me. And I was honestly okay with it.
us were doing the whole marriage thing for different reasons. Kyungsoo was in
it because the wanted the rumors and speculations to go away and I were doing
it because I wanted out and away from my mother. So for the sake of our
relationship, the small one we had built over the few months we lived together,
I decided to suppress my feelings. They were mine and no one else’s so I should
deal with them on my own.
day everything changed.
sure how it happened to be honest. It was a regular day: he had a few morning
schedules but he was free during the day. We decided on ordering food since
none of us felt like cooking. After we were done eating we sat on living room,
a bottle of wine between us and an easy conversation floating around.
is killing me” I complained, massaging my neck.
my neck trying to relieve myself a little bit from the pain.
wearing heels today and your chair was really low. I don’t know, maybe I slept
on a weird position. I’ll take something later”
at him and took another sip of the wine. I kept my eyes on Kyungsoo waiting for
him to continue what he was saying but I was startled once he stood up and
disappeared down the hallway.
guess that’s it for today”
I got up
and took the glasses and bottle back to kitchen, leaving it on the table
because I was in no mood for cleaning. I made sure to turn all the lights off
before going to my room. I never complained about Kyungsoo’s behavior. I tried
as much as I possibly could understand him, I knew how hard and stressing his
work could be so I never really demanded his attention when he didn’t want to
give it, his words when he wanted to be silent.
you doing? Why did you come back here?” Kyungsoo asked after he knocked on my
pulling the blanket out of the bed and blinked up at him, not understanding
what he was saying.
so I thought you were tired”
to get this” he held up something that looked like a muscle pad and a bottle of
moisturizer “Come on, take your shirt off”
went wide and I took a step back, shaking my head vigorously at him.
you say that your back is killing you? This will help” I kept shaking my head
with my eyes still wide while Kyungsoo rolled his and sighed “I’m trying to
help you out, Eun Byul”
to mumble something that even I couldn’t understand myself. I knew that every
second that tickled by Kyungsoo lost the very little patience he had.
turn around, please?”
and did as I asked.
bad would come out of it, right? Nothing too bad, I hoped.
just giving me a little helping hand; there was nothing wrong with that. I
would have refused his help but it’s hard to reach your own back, especially
with sore muscles, and it wasn’t like I was going to be completely naked
I took my
shirt off and held it against my chest, while I sat down on the bed facing the
you can look now”
there expectantly wondering what his next move would be. The bed dipped behind
me and soon enough I felt Kyungsoo’s hands on my back, moving slowly in
circles. As the seconds went by I felt I felt myself get more and more relaxed,
so much that a small sigh escaped my lips.
that?” I asked him.
something that my mother makes; it always helps me so I knew it would help you”
and sighed in relief, my back was already so much relaxed than before. I was
afraid that when Kyungsoo told me to take my shirt off I wouldn’t be able to
relax at all. But the moment his hands touched me I knew it was only a matter
of time until I felt at ease.
finished his job by putting the pad on my back. His fingers lingered on my skin
for longer than necessary and I held my breath.
my shirt over my head quickly and turned to look at him. A thank you ready to
be said, but one that never actually left my mouth. The moment our eyes locked
Kyungsoo leaned forward, his lips pressing ever so lightly against mine,
testing the waters.
I was frozen
in place, unsure of what was happening. My eyes still wide open, my hands still
clasped together on my lap. But my confusion only last for a second before I
held on to his arms and moved forward so that we were closer.
sure how it happened or why it happened in the first place but I didn’t want to
let it go. I didn’t want to over think what was happening. For once I just
wanted to enjoy the moment and let completely.
pulled me against him so that I was straddling his lap. I wrapped my hand
around his neck, my hands going to his hair. Soon our clothes were on the floor
and we were a mess of tangled bodies, sweat, moans and whispered words.
I woke up
alone in the next morning so it was very clear that what had happened was a one-time
thing. I was disappointed but not all that surprised.
expected that if something happened between Kyungsoo and me it would become
something real but I was wrong and I had to hold it in. It all became all the
more clear when I saw him the next morning, when I looked at him you couldn’t say
that anything happened.
So I held
it together and smiled at him. Everything that I did that day was with a smile
on my face, pretending to be the happiest person. Knocked on his in the early
morning so that weren’t late, held his hand and smiled at his friends and
home very late that day, way past midnight. I took a quick shower and curled
myself in my bed. It felt slightly weird to be lying on my bed. I was used to
sleep on my own, that certainly wasn’t the problem, the problem was the smell
in my sheets. I thought that Kyungsoo’s smell would be gone by the time we got
back but I was wrong. I laid in bed that night I could still fell his perfume
lingering in the air, his presence still very clear by my side.
myself more, hoping that sleep would come soon. I could barely keep my eyes
open when we were in the car but the minute my head hit the pillow I was wide
awake and that was the worst thing that could happen to me. The next would be a
long one as well so I needed to recharge, at least for a little bit.
won’t do” I heard Kyungsoo say from the hallway.
to my room was slightly open so I could hear him leaving his bedroom and
walking around the house. He should be asleep too; his day would be that much
longer than mine. But I didn’t dare to say a single word. He hated when people
kept tabs on him, he would let it slide if it was his manager but he didn’t
enjoy when other people did the same.
finally falling asleep when I felt the bed dip being me and a body close to
screamed, my hands going up to cover my face.
down, it’s just me” a very sleepy Kyungsoo said from behind me.
to turn around and look at him but I remained in place, afraid that if I made a
sudden move he would be gone and what was happening was nothing but a dream.
I whispered so lowly that I’m not even sure if those words actually left my
forward on the bed so that his body was touching mine from behind, his going
around my waist until his hand reached mine. He held my hand for a second
before he intertwined our fingers.
talk in the morning, Eun Byul” he buried his face in my hair, his nose touching
me neck “We’ll talk in the morning”
came and we never actually talked but things certainly changed between us. We
started to sleep in the same bed every night. For a while I was still insure of
what was going on so I never went to him. I stayed in my bed, wide awake,
waiting for him, hoping that he would come to me. And I always sighed in relief
when I heard the door open and a second later his arm was around me
protectively. When I woke up in the mornings he was still there, not gone like
in that first night.
it’s no wonder that sometimes you complain about your back. Your bed is
that while we were in the car going to the set. When we got home that day my
bed was still in place but the mattress was gone. When I asked him about it all
he said was:
“I told you
your bed was terrible”
he got me my bed back but only after I moved all of my things to his bedroom
and I stayed there permanently.
Kyungsoo was holding my hand even when people weren’t looking, when it was just
the two of us. He kissed whenever he wanted, especially when we were home. He
would come out of nowhere and kiss my shoulder, my forehead, my lips. He never
said anything, he would just kiss me and smile. Once I got ballzy enough to ask
why and his only answer was “just because”.
though I loved all the changes I still had so many questions: were Kyungsoo’s
sudden feelings for me genuine or they were a product of our current situation?
Was it going to last another two years, whatever it was that we had? And more
importantly, would it last longer than that? I didn’t have answers for all of
those questions and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to find them.
just maybe, I could live with the not knowing and just enjoy the moment we were
living. Not over think things like I always did and just enjoy what he was
willing to give and let go of all doubts.
seen my mother since the wedding. I kept on sending her money, just like I
promised her I would, so she stayed away. But I suppose she started to think
that money I sent every month was no longer enough.
she manage to find that place, Kyungsoo’s very secluded and secret home, was
beyond me. I didn’t even want to think about the things she did to get past
security. But there she was standing in the doorway.
thing that didn’t change about my mother was the look on her face, everything
else from her clothes to her hair was different. But I couldn’t really
understand why she would look at me like that. Since I was a little girl she
told me that I should marry well, someone rich who could give me nice life and
I was sure that in her eyes Kyungsoo was all of that.
live a nice life. Look at this place”
walked right past me and sat on the couch, while I was still stand at the door.
you find us, mother?” I asked with a sigh and closed the door.
isn’t the best in that agency. All I had to do was say that I’m your mother”
my eyes at his disdain face. My information probably wasn’t top secret because
I wasn’t an artist or anything. Even so, my name was connected to Kyungsoo’s so
they should have been more careful.
stood up and walked around touching the furniture and looking at the pictures
Kyungsoo and I had recently put on display. A few months back we had put some
of our pictures together in frames. Wedding pictures, pictures we took while
being on set, some of our trips together.
you live now, one you think that you’d be a little more giving towards your
that would be the only reason why she would look for me.
already send you all of my paycheck, mother”
a lie. I send her a lot, almost all of it, but I always kept some to myself. I
didn’t know what was going to happen to Kyungsoo and me, so I liked to put some
money aside because I sure as heck would not go back to my mother’s house.
Living with her before the wedding was already hard enough, I couldn’t begin to
imagine how much worse it would be after the divorce. Plus, it took me twenty two
years to get away from her I wasn’t just going to throw myself back into that
hell hole again.
could always ask some to that rich husband of yours”
was filled with poison. I used to think that her
smile was real until I realized that it was nothing more than a simple tactic
to deceive her sixteen year old daughter.
go now, mother”
the door again and waited for her to stand up and finally leave me alone. My
day had already been long enough, stressful enough. After a long night and
morning of shooting Kyungsoo still had meetings to attend to so he told me to
go home and get some rest. I had just finished my long bath when my mother
knocked on my door.
know, you shouldn’t leave such a handsome man walking around like that. It
could be dangerous”
psychotic, I trust him. That’s the one good thing that I did not learned from
screamed at my mother, tried very hard not to be rude to her, but that doesn’t
mean that at times my words weren’t harsh. I had to find a way to protect
myself from her and my words were the only weapon that I had against her.
second my mother was standing right in front of me, her raised hand going
straight to my face. I closed my eyes and waited for the hit that never came. I
opened my eyes and saw my mother’s wide eyes looking at the hand that held her
arm just a few centimeters away from my face. Turning around I saw Kyungsoo
with a look on his face that I have never witnessed before.
it that every time I see you, you are about to physically harass my wife?
mother’s eyes went wide and she pulled her arm away from Kyungsoo’s grip. She
tried to say something in her defense but my husband raised his hand stopping
way to provide for yourself. Eun Byul will not send you money again”
around completely facing him and put my hand on his chest, my eyes begging his
to find mine, just for a second.
don’t do this” I said when I finally hot his attention “Don’t get worked up
because of her, she’s not worth the trouble. Please, go inside and get some
rest. I’ll make sure she leaves”
almost a minute of silence Kyungsoo nodded, moving away slowly from the door
and disappearing at the end of the hallway. I only turned back to look at my
mother when I heard the bedroom door close.
mother. You are not welcomed here”
looked at my mother I knew that she was desperate, her eyes were still wide.
She reached for my hands, frantic.
not going to do what he said, right? You’re not going to leave me under the
rain, will you? I’m your mother, Eun Byul”
my head and took a step aside, pulling my hands away from her grasp.
know. It would be fair though, wouldn’t it? After everything you put me
kept trying to reason with me but I refused to listen to her. I kept my eyes
closed and my head down until my mother ruffed in annoyance and finally left.
night I couldn’t fall sleep. I kept tossing and moving around until I finally
set my eyes on the ceiling. All I could think about was my childhood and those
little moments when me and my parents were an actual family. We were so happy
on those moments. Sometimes I found myself wishing that we could somehow go
back, wishing that I could that little ten year old girl once again.
on my side and looked at Kyungsoo. I could only truly see half of his face
while the other side was pressed against the pillow. He tightened his arm
around me and sighed.
not creepy at all, starring at someone while they sleep”
I was so
startled by his sudden words that I moved my body away but he held me in place.
scared me” I whispered.
I moved closer to him so that our bodies were touching.
you were being a creep”
silent for a few minutes just starring at one another until Kyungsoo finally
broke the silence we had fallen into.
haven’t slept yet, have you?” I narrowed my eyes at him. He didn’t need me to
say anything to know what I wanted to ask “If you don’t sleep, I don’t sleep.
That’s how this works”
glad that he wasn’t directly asking me about my mother. One thing that happened
often between Kyungsoo and I was that we would talk about whatever that was
bothering us when we felt ready to do so. Eventually we always ended up talking
but we never pressed the other person.
thinking about my dad” I buried my face on his chest before continuing “About
my childhood, about how much I miss him”
stayed quiet for a moment before pulling away slightly.
want me to look for him?” my eyes went wide and I sat up, turning the bed side
lamp “Okay. I guess we are sitting up”
serious?” he nodded leaning against the headboard “It’s not like I haven’t tried
to him before”
but it’s been a few years. And you haven’t hired someone to find him”
really wanted to find my father or was I just shaken because of the fight I had
with my mother earlier? Of course that part of me wanted to know how my dad
was, what he was doing with his life.
know, I don’t resent my father for leaving my mother. I never did. I can
understand where he was coming from to make that decision. I resent him for
leaving me behind, for leaving me to deal with all of her craziness on my own
when he knew exactly how she is”
don’t we find him and you can say all of those things to him yourself?”
was ticking and our marriage agreement was reaching its end. We only had
another moth left. We didn’t bring it up, never once before. I guess that it
was the kind of subject that we weren’t supposed to talk about.
night we were both home. Kyungsoo had a couple of days off before movie
preparations started so we decided to stay home instead of going away to
somewhere like we had a few times before. I was quieter than usual, thinking
about what would happen next.
letting anyone know I started to look for places to live and a new job. I
didn’t want to let everything to the last minute, in hopes for something that
could never actually happen. I went out to look at some places but they were
always too far away or too big for just one person or completely terrible to
live in. I tried to be stealth about it by putting my phone side when Kyungsoo
was around me but I think that he eventually caught on what I was doing. But
even then he didn’t say a word.
been thinking” Kyungsoo started and I narrowed my eyes at him.
never one to start conversations but whenever I started them he would be
completely immersed in it, even if it was something trivial and without much
can’t be good” I joked.
sitting at the edge of the bed drying his hair with a towel and I nagged him my
foot but held on to it, not letting me pull my foot back. He turned his body
completely towards me. He moved his fingers on my foot, massaging it slowly.
serious about this so you have to be too” I nodded and whipped the smile off of
my face “I know you’ve been looking for an apartment and a new job and, in a
certain level, that’s okay. We haven’t talked about it yet so I want to talk
about it now.”
sort of rambling and it was really cute. I have only seen that side of him
once, nervous and fidgeting. But I liked it whenever it came out because it
made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who felt nervous around him at times.
is running out but I don’t want to end what we have. I don’t want you to go and
I don’t want us to get a divorce. I never said it before but I like you and I
think it’s to say that you like me”
and I never really talked about it but at times I felt like I wasn’t the only
one who had those feelings. His words never existed before that moment but his
actions were always there. When he nursed me during a couple of days when I was
so sick that I could hardly tell right from left, when he offered to find my
father, when he stood up for me in front of my mother. There were so many other
occasions when I thought that he genuine feelings for me.
I whispered and let a tiny smile trying to break free on my face again “Do you
really mean it?”
He let go
of my foot and crawled over me until we were face to face, his arms on each
side of my head. His words not louder than a whisper, matching my own.
ever said something that I didn’t mean before?” I shook my head, never looking
away from him “Then what makes you think that this time is any different?”
my arm around his neck, my hands going to his short hair that he was growing
out again. Kyungsoo leaned forward, closing the small gap between us with his
lips. I deepened the kiss when I pulled him closer to me so that our bodies
were almost as close as they could get. I parted my legs, making room for him
and pulled his shirt up and threw it on the floor.
was one thing that learned from my mother was that sometimes people had glass
ceiling. And Kyungsoo and I certainly had one.
only three days. Just three days after he asked me to stay, openly said that he
like me, she showed up.
an actress too and he knew her form before. Before me, that is. Eun Suk was the
female lead of Kyungsoo’s new movie, so we were close to her. And when she was
around it was like I wasn’t there. They had inside jokes, memories together.
Things they never let me have a piece of.
couldn’t control my jealousy and to be honest I didn’t even try to control it.
I went online was searched them up and I was just proved right of my
suspicions. There were old news about the two of them together, rumors about
the two of them dating, pictures that showed that they were a lot more than
just close friends, as they claimed to be.
whole deal between Kyungsoo and me took place I decided to keep myself away
from the internet and any means that could report my relationship with him but
that day I could not help it. And soon enough I remembered why I decided to
stay away in the first place.
were already wondering if Kyungsoo and Eun Suk were having an affair, if the
movie was just an excuse to have a flashback of the past, if Kyungsoo and I
were falling apart due to the lack of news about us.
why I kept to myself whenever she was around. I tried to grab his attention
when we were home but he was always too tired to talk and I didn’t want to push
him too much. When we had an early day I asked him if we could have a dinner
date saying that we could go to one of those reserved places we had been to a
few times before but he dumped me for Eun Suk. He wanted to have dinner with
her. “Catch on the old times”, he said.
first day of the shooting we got there on time, arrived even a little bit
early. I did what I was supposed to do. Did his makeup, made sure he looked
flawless in every way possible. And for a few minutes it was like when we were
at home, just the two of us. But everything stopped when Eun Suk showed up.
Kyungsoo was out of his chair so fast that the thing fell down.
his seat and kept my eyes on my hands for a few minutes before I started to
slowly put away the makeup I had used on Kyungsoo. From the corner of my eyes I
saw Baekhyun approaching. He leaned back against the dresses and folded his arm
against his chest.
was also an actor and in the four years that I had worked for Kyungsoo the two
of them had worked together a few times. They were so friendly towards each
other that we even received Baekhyun in our house for a dinner, he had brought
his girlfriend along and the four of us had quite a nice night together.
looks lonely” he said teasingly but I knew that there was a lot more meaning
behind his words. I just chose to ignore it.
just thinking, nothing much”
could always tell me” he pressed on.
adverted my eye from Baekhyun for a second and looked at Kyungsoo and Eun Suk.
At her hand in his shoulder, at the way Kyungsoo’s eyes were squished close
because of something Eun Suk said was just really funny.
“You know when you are thinking
about so many things at once that you end up not thinking about anything at
all?” I turned to Baekhyun and smiled when he nodded at me “That’s how I feel
tried so hard to push my jealousy away, to the depts. Of my mind and for a few
days it worked. I could pretend that nothing was wrong. I knew that Kyungsoo
would never do anything because he simply wasn’t that kind of person. So at
times it was easy to close my eyes to whatever was happening.
But it all changed when he started to call me by her name. On the first
time it happened Kyungsoo realized what he did and he apologized for it. The
problem was that his confusion didn’t happen only that day. It kept happening,
so much that I stopped trying to correct him all together.
The last drop was when we were in the car, going to the set.
“Eun Suk what do you want to have for dinner tonight?”
That was the moment I decided that when the divorce papers arrived from
his agency I would sign them and leave quietly.
Rose: And then ate all that sugar..? Eskel: Oh no, we used the sugar to buy potatoes and tried to brew our own vodka.
I made an OC, I decided the best way to introduce her would be through a comic, so here. Her name is Rose because she’s a thorny bitch. She’s a cat witcher and she might think Eskel is a bit of a weirdo.
okay so they’re saying all this /after/ they get heat for it? if they were as accepting as they claim to be, then why didn’t they listen to our statements and apologized earlier? why did they block us for pointing out their racism? us calling them racist since they blocked us isn’t a reach since they’re communicating via that action that they do not want to hear poc opinions, that they do not want to hear what the oppressed say, and that they did not need to be corrected. it shows that they truly believed that, and that only when it blew up and they were pressured did they issue an apology and retract their statement.
they say in their apology that they want people to call them out for being dumb/offensive, and yet they blocked and ignored us when we called them out for it. assuming that they’ve always wanted to be corrected for ignorant statements, then shouldn’t they have apologized earlier for the statement? unless, of course, they decided to add that bit in at the end to appease poc in an attempt to save their image.
the post that they reblogged from ttt with the tag “#eu is a fandom joke” was reblogged on March 21st, at 6:05pm. the ask that they answered on their blog was posted March 22nd at 4:07pm. responses came as early as 5:37pm the same day. the apology was issued at 8:12pm.respondents to the ask were quickly blocked, meaning that either one or both of the admins were online at the time of response and therefore could have been able to issue an apology immediately. instead, respondents were blocked and ignored. this action conveys their disinterest in listening to the opinions of poc in this issue and their hostility towards these responses. the apology was not issued until 8:12pm, meaning that the admins willingly chose to ignore all responses and backlash between the time of posting and the time of apology.
there is a post that they made at 5:37pm regarding the issue, however, I will not accept it as an apology as the admins make it clear in that post that they are simply defending their actions, “I’d really like to clear this up. WE DON’T ADD EU TO THINGS ON THIS BLOG. we just agreed with a post we reblogged.” the post then goes on to say:
“like what do you want us to do about that… sometimes the fandom talks about it… we’re sorry for offending people and being racist? we didn’t do anything besides agree with the fact that bangtan does stuff and we talk about it… and some people take it to far and then suddenly anyone who mentions it is a racist? honestly i’ve rlly had it with armys. why tf is everyone trying to chew people out?!“
the question marks and general tone of the post make it extremely dubious as to whether it is an apology. I concluded that the overall tone was made with intent to lessen their actions, however, it was not the appropriate action to take at that time.
agreeing to racism is letting racism thrive. it is not something you can stand by and say “well I didn’t do anything myself, therefore I’ve done no harm”. by staying silent/not doing anything, you are siding with the oppressor. this is because the oppressor already has an advantage in the argument over the oppressed.
the statement “ then suddenly anyone who mentions it is a racist?” pins the blame onto poc responding to the issue. it expresses an idea that the respondents are the ones at fault for blowing it out of proportion and being too sensitive. after being oppressed fro so long in multiple ways, including micro-aggressions which would involve making fun of accents, poc have a right and a reason to be angry.
the last sentence (or last two) is a direct expression of admins not wanting poc to voice their opinions regarding issues that concern them. “why tf is everyone trying to chew people out” is their way of saying that they got called out for defending racist actions/statements and that they don’t like it when poc do that.
altogether, this post cannot be defined as an apology as not only does it use an aggravating tone, but also continues to redirect wrongdoing from them to poc/respondents.
in their defense claim of their apology, they use being canadian as an excuse to being ignorant to the issue. nationality and region of current residence does not matter in this issue, as the environment that it occurred in was online in a fandom based around a poc group. therefore, it does not make sense as to why the admins do not know of the racism behind the issue. furthermore, event though racism may not be as prominent to the admins, it does not under any circumstance constitute as an excuse. we all know what racism is. furthermore, the admins were given response from poc regarding the topic. so it cannot be argued that they did not have anyone to explain to them why. (if curious, my response explained briefly why making fun of pocs’ accents is racist, and had they read that response, they would have known.)
they then acknowledge that they saw the responses, “some of you were calling us out on how we were uneducated and just pulling crap out of no where to fight and make you “see our side of things”, and honestly it was right of you to call us out, because we are uneducated.” this is their direct admittance to seeing the response and yet still blocking/ignoring the response. this action speaks for itself, as ignoring the voices of poc in this issue shows that they don’t care about what poc have to say about this issue. it is important to remember that this issue concerns poc.I would like, at this time, to emphasize their statement:
“Also, flat out calling us racists because we didn’t sign our replies or blocked someone? That’s a very big leap my friends.”
when the admins decided to defend themselves in the ask post, when they reblogged the ttt post with that hashtag- that was when they directly made a racist action. there is no way to excuse it. a racist action is a racist action. it is not unfair to call the admins racist as they not only made the action but continued to defend it. blocking poc trying to tell you that what you are doing is racist is silencing poc and ignoring their opinions. this issue concerns poc. you cannot say that it’s alright to ignore poc in a matter that concerns them.
they also make the statement that since they grew up in a quality environment and they are used to being in one, they did not know better. considering that this entire event, from start to finish, is online, it can be assumed that they’ve been exposed at some point to examples of racism on the internet, and they have some basic understanding of what examples of racism can be. not only that, but ARMY is a fandom for a poc group. BTS makes music concerning issues that people face. it is strange to consider that they are fans of BTS who have no understanding of racism and have not been exposed to some situation in which racism occurs.
they then go to say “The two of us constantly see the shit white people post and say and we’re so quick to call them out, but here we are doing the exact same things.”, confirming that they are in a condition to be able to understand why their actions were racist, and yet they still continued with ignoring+defending.
tldr;/conclusion: the admins of jhopesjawline were both in a position to understand the racism behind the matter. they both saw the responses from poc to the matter, and decided to ignore it, silencing poc. this was a matter that concerns poc, as many poc go through the experience of being harassed/made fun of for having an accent on a daily basis. yet they decided to defend their actions when called out. they then issued a delayed apology that was not only contradictory to their previous actions and statements, but also defended themselves in their actions and yet again attempted to shift blame onto poc/respondents.
I just made some theorist team aesthetics and I wanna post em but I'm nervous
FRIEND YOU SHOULD POST THEM! It’s okay to be scared, the internet can be pretty mean. I remember when I wanted to post my first gtlive fan art, it took me three days because I was so scared. But overtime, it does get easier to post stuff! If people don’t like it, it’s their job not to look. They control what they see and you shouldn’t worry about that. And don’t worry, I bet your board is super awesome and I would love to see it!
You do not even know how to spell her surname correctly... That's what happens when graylufan pretends that he loves Juvia. Until the end of the manga 9 chapters, and you do not know about your "favorite" absolutely nothing.
Hey. You ever thought that there were… You know…
I prefer Juvia Loxar. I am not the only one either.
Don’t go second-guessing somebody elses favorite just because you don’t like me or my ship. I WILL continue to tag her as Juvia LOXAR. I WILL continue to post and reblog photos of her.
This is a Muslim home. Why does Anubis hold out his hand for me?
It is my thanks. You were once a girl with your own tita who taught you the ways of Egypt old. Of when the Nile was full and flooded. She told you stories of the wolf and the jackal, the red wind and of the child of Bast.