I Broke Down Tonight
So tonight something very strange happened. Something that has never happened to me before. I had a panic attack. My day was going normally and I was at work. 10 minutes before my shift, I started to feel a little bit weird. I was uncomfortable. I felt disconnected from the world around me. My hands started shaking and I started shivering and twitching. I clocked out at work and quickly went downstairs and just sat there, thinking about a ton of things all at once. Next thing I knew, I was outside on the sidewalk with two of my co workers beside me trying to calm me down. I was curled up in a ball, breathing heavily with tears running down my face. At first, I couldn’t pin point why this was happening. But then it hit me. Lately, I had been thinking a lot about some people from the start of my channel. People that used to support every video I did and would always interact with me. Flashes of these people flew into my memory. These people were people who I talked to on a regular basis and people I was getting to know fairly well. One of them in particular (who will go nameless) messaged me first because of my videos. She had said that she was very very depressed and cut herself on a regular basis, And at one point had contemplated suicide. At the time, I was making videos on a very regular basis. She said that my videos brought her so much joy and put a smile on her face. My videos were the reason that she had stopped cutting. Months went by and my videos got more and more infrequent. And then I never heard from that girl again. Then, a few months after, I found out that the amazing, strong, and wonderful girl who had sent me those messages months before, had ended her own life. This hit me harder than ever tonight. After conjuring up this memory of her in my mind, I just couldn’t pull myself together. I was crying as my dad held me in his arms asking me what was wrong. And for the first time, I was completely honest with him. I told him that I don’t want to go to college. I told him how much I absolutely adore YouTube, and I told him how incredibly terrified I am of not reaching my dreams as a yputuber. At first, he didn’t understand. He thought my dream was to get famous and be able to make a lot of money. But then I explained my real dream to him. My dream as a YouTuber is to make as many people as I can happy. I want to be there for you all every single day and bring a smile to your faces. I want to make you laugh when you feel like crying. I want to make you smile when you feel like breaking down. I want to make you happy even when you are at your lowest. The thought of that amazing girl ending her own life crushed me. I almost felt responsible for her death. I wish that I had done more. I wish that I had talked to her more. I wish that I could have made more videos for when she felt down. I don’t just want to entertain people. I want to give them hope. I want to make people smile and I want to show people that they truly matter. I don’t do YouTube because I want to get famous. I do YouTube because I want to make people’s lives better. I do it because I want to inspire people and make them feel happy on their saddest days. I do YouTube because I don’t want anyone to feel alone. I want to be there for you guys. I want to be the person you can look to when you are at your lowest and I want to help you in your time of need. I cannot even begin to examine how absolutely in love with YouTube I am. I love it more than anything. I can’t live without it and for this next year, I am going to try as hard as I can to make my dreams come true and I will not stop until it does. You all mean the world to me. I wouldn’t be the happy person I am today without you. Thank you all so much for all of your amazing support. Your comments and tweets and edits and fanarts and everything you do makes me so happy. I love you guys so much. Thank you. Let’s make this year amazing and let’s grow this community into something incredible. A community where everyone respects each other and helps each other out. A community where everyone is close and friendly. A community where no one will ever feel alone. I know we can do this. I love you all so much.
You Will Never Not Matter