i know sexually attractive people

  • Aphobes: not even aces can agree on a definition for asexual, I just don't know ://///
  • asexuals: it means you don't feel sexual attraction
  • Other LGBTQIA+ people: it means you don't feel sexual attraction
  • lgbtqia+ organizations: it means you don't feel sexual attraction
  • People who don't even know the ace discourse: it means you don't feel sexual attraction
  • straight cis people even: it means you don't feel sexual attraction
  • My cat: it means you don't feel sexual attraction
  • Michael Jordan: it means you don't feel sexual attraction
  • Angels: it means you don't feel sexual attraction
  • Perry the Platypus: it means you don't feel sexual attraction
  • Literally God: it means you don't feel sexual attraction
  • Aphobes: it's so inconcise!! Just choose a definition! ://////////
To people saying Asexual people don't belong in the LGBT+ community because they don't face any discrimination...

I personally don’t use any labels because it’s too complicated for me, I know I’m somewhere in the asexual spectrum but I do feel sexual attraction towards women, sometimes although much less, towards guys too but I don’t feel any need to pursue those kinds of relationships or any relationship at all even if I’m not opposed to it.

Anyway, I’m not out to my family except my sister.

Today, the subject of me not dating at all came up, which is not exactly a rare occurrence, I’m almost 23 years old an I’ve never dated nor do I feel inclined to at the given moment, this may change in the future. I don’t know but the point is that the topic of me dating is something that happens quite a bit.

My brother-in-law, my sister and I were in the car and I don’t remember exactly what prompted it but suddenly the subject turned to who I found attractive. They were like “Just because you don’t date anyone it doesn’t mean you don’t have a type. Which guys do you find attractive?” Out of the top of my head, no one came to mind. Like, there are guys I find attractive but not in the way they were implying and not just that but I do like to make my answers as open to interpretation as possible. I don’t want them to think I’m straight but I also am not ready to come out yet. So, I said “it’s not about how good looking someone is. Everyone, no matter gender or sexuality, can have an opinion on someone’s look. A straight guy can see that another guy is good looking (even if their macho behavior makes them hide that opinion)” to which my brother in law replied with “it can be a girl too… I just want to know that you’re human”.

I already knew this was gonna happen, my brother in law always asks me about guys first and girls second. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m a lesbian and is trying to push me to come out. So, to him, me liking guys or girls it’s indifferent (not really, he still has that straight ignorance but he is okay with it even if his comments can come a bit homophobic). I don’t know his position on bisexuality, it has never been brought up but that’s neither here nor there for this particular point I’m trying to make.

After he made that girl comment, which I didn’t deny I found girls attractive, I just left it unanswered. I replied with “you know it’s possible for people to not feel sexual attraction at all. Neither for guys nor girls or anywhere in between.” To which he continued on the same path “that’s not possible. Everyone feels sexual attraction sooner or later. I just want to know you’re human and potentially see you dating someone and be happy”.

So, let’s recap:

Liking guys = human
Liking girls = human
Any sort of sexual attraction = human
No sexual attraction at all = not human + a good laugh in the face.

Dating guys = happy
Dating girls = happy
Dating in general = happy
Not dating = unhappy

In my case, I don’t see it as a problem to my person, because even though I’m in the asexual spectrum, I know that for me, dating isn’t something I’m opposed to. I could date someday, I feel some sort of sexual attraction to girls and sometimes guys too, I’m not opposed to having sex even if it’s not something I need to have. So, even though I’m not coming out as asexual, I don’t feel trapped.

This doesn’t make it any less wrong. Just the fact that I don’t feel comfortable coming out as asexual as I would coming out as a lesbian or bisexual is already a strong indicator that there is something very wrong here but I’m someone who prefers to hide anything like this sort of stuff. I know quite a few people that are different to me. Not just asexual people but basically anyone else except for cis straight people. A lot of people feel the need to be true to themselves and be open about it without having to hide it to anyone.

Now, it’s not a big stretch to anyone in LGBT community to imagine what it’s like to be afraid to come out in fear of judgement, mistreatment and alienation, as seen above by my brother in law’s comment that people who don’t feel sexual or even romantic attraction not only don’t exist but going as far as saying anyone who doesn’t feel attraction isn’t human.

So, I don’t want to ear anymore of this bullshit that Asexuals don’t belong in the LGBT+ community. Asexuals are not only alienated and mistreated but people go as far as saying that they don’t exist. That they are wrong about who they are and that sooner or later they’ll find someone they’ll feel different about.

If you are about to reblog this or reply to this with a comment on why Asexual people are not part of this community, save yourself the trouble. Don’t ruin my post, make your own post.

anonymous asked:

So...Can we please have a demisexual Maggie who's never been close enough to any of her girlfriends to develop sexual feelings for them but she's actually opening up with Alex and stuff and eventually realizes that she's actually reached that point for the first time in her life which leads to her and Alex sleeping together for the first time and it's all super emotional and shit. (My grandmother told me she wants me to see a therapist so I can "get over" being demi and I kinda need validation.)

She doesn’t panic when it’s just kissing.

Kissing is nice.

And kissing Alex Danvers is spectacular.

So she doesn’t panic when it’s just kissing.

She loves when it’s just kissing.

And Alex is aggressive in the way she starts things, the way she pulls Maggie into her body – at the bar, in her living room – and puts her lips on hers, but Alex always freezes, like she doesn’t quite know what to do next, like she’s on overload.

Like maybe, she’s like Maggie. Like maybe, she doesn’t know Maggie well enough yet to want to do anything more with her.

Anything more sexually, that is. Because god, does Maggie want to do everything else with Alex.

Late night pizza and Netflix, rainy morning yoga, kissing and cuddling until they fall asleep, shooting pool until Maggie finally can win, movies and books and science and the job.

Saving the world.

Together.

Maggie wants all of it, and apparently – to her perpetual disbelief, because how could someone so powerful, so gorgeous, want her? – Alex wants all that with her, too.

And it’s gradual.

It’s gradual, the way Maggie starts wanting different kinds of intimacy. With Alex.

Gradual, the way she realizes that she’s kissing her deeper, that her hands are slipping under Alex’s shirt, that Alex’s body is arching in response to her touch and her own body catches fire at the sound of Alex’s soft moans.

That she’s breathing her own moans into Alex’s parted lips.

And that’s when Maggie panics.

Because Alex is going to leave.

Maggie’s sure of it.

Because Alex has been teasing – a lot – about how inexperienced she is, about how much experience Maggie must have, how Maggie should feel free to give her kissing tips, touching tips, ladies-loving-ladies flash cards, whenever she wants.

But Alex has slept with men. Not that she loved it, or even liked it.

But Maggie? Maggie hasn’t slept with anyone.

She’s never… wanted to. She’s never felt close enough to anyone, never known someone enough to feel for someone else what she does to herself with her own hands, alone, when she needs to cum before falling asleep.

She’s never wanted to, not with anyone else, but with Alex?

God, with Alex, she’s starting to… to want everything.

But when Alex finds out? That Maggie’s just as inexperienced as Alex is, in some ways moreso, that she’ll probably be an emotional mess – not to mention a physical one – if they keep going in this direction, if they keep taking off each other’s shirts and touching each other over bras and panting at grinding their thighs between each other’s legs?

She’ll leave for sure.

Right? Because everyone leaves. Because Maggie drives everyone away.

“Whoa, whoa, hey, you alright? Did I hurt you?” Alex is asking, jolting her out of their kiss, her thoughts, her terrors, her fears. And, apparently, her shaking.

Alex’s eyes are wide, concerned, and Maggie knows, knows, that even though Alex is amazing, she’s going to think Maggie’s broken. Going to think Maggie needs to get over it. Going to think Maggie’s weird and unworthy and too much, and she should have her coming out affair with someone who can have sex with whomever, whenever.

“I want you,” Maggie chokes out in a whisper, and it’s the first time she’s ever said it to anyone, because getting herself off at night is one thing, but sleeping with another person is completely, completely another.

They’re the scariest three words she’s ever said, and Alex? Alex just smiles, strokes her hair, kisses her forehead.

“You have me,” she tells her, her voice at once a reassurance and a question.

Reassurance because she’s there, she’s there, she’s not going anywhere; a question because yes, yes, she wants her too, but why is that making her this scared?

“I want to have sex with you,” Maggie clarifies, tears in her eyes and her body on fire and her lungs barely working, and Alex’s breath hitches.

“Yeah? Good, because I um… I’ve been thinking about it. Wanting it. A lot. And I’ve been… researching a little, and I… I want to have sex with you, too. I… if you want. I mean, I know I’ve never done this with a woman, but – ”

“I’ve never done it at all.”

There’s silence and Maggie braces herself for goodbye, braces herself for laughter, braces herself for mockery and judgment and all the things that part of her brain, her heart – the parts that have let herself fall in love with Alex Danvers, the parts that have let herself want Alex Danvers – know Alex would never do. But she’s terrified, anyway.

Alex just cocks her head and squints and freezes slightly, but she blinks and she swallows and when she speaks, her voice is soft and her lips are twitching up into the same supportive smile Maggie wore when Alex stumbled her way out of the closet.

“God, you must think I’m such a jerk.”

Maggie blinks. If she was expecting any reaction, it wasn’t that. “What?”

“I’ve been teasing you this whole time about being so experienced, and I… I’m sorry, that must have made you so uncomfortable, I didn’t… I just assumed. I shouldn’t have. Maggie, I’m so sorry. But… can I ask you something?”

Maggie nods because something in her throat might be broken.

“Do you really want me, or do you just… are you just trying to give me something you think I want? And I mean I do. Want it. Want you. But only if you do.”

“No, I… I want… I want you. Alex. I… I’ve never… I don’t get attracted to people. Sexually. If I don’t… know them, if I don’t feel a certain way for them, I…”

She stammers off, because what kind of loser tells someone they love them before sleeping with them? How pathetic can she get?

But Alex’s eyes are light, are happiness, are reciprocal, and Alex’s touch is gentle, and Alex’s lips press against her own so slightly, so carefully, it’s like they’ve never kissed before but she wants to for the rest of her life.

“So you’re saying you like me? Enough to want me.”

“Danvers – ”

“Cause that works perfectly for me. Because I like you, too, Maggie Sawyer. Enough to want you.” Her eyes drag down Maggie’s body, slow and steady and hungry, but also… reverent, somehow. Maggie’s heart contorts into fireworks. “All of you.”

Maggie forgets what breathing is, and her heart’s never raced like this before, but Alex’s hands are warm and comforting on her cheeks, and god, does she want those hands all over her body.

“So take me. All of me.”

Alex grins like it’s Christmas morning – or maybe Chanukah, Maggie’s not sure what the equivalent would be, and makes a mental note to ask her later – and then all thought exhales out of Maggie’s body because Alex is up and Alex is tugging her up, too, and Alex is carrying her to bed, all the while kissing her, kissing her, kissing her like she’s oxygen, and she is, god, she is.

“Alex,” Maggie breathes as Alex lays her down, careful to put a pillow under her head, careful to not put all her weight on top of her, and Alex stops immediately, concern back in her eyes.

“Too much? I’m sorry, we can stop, or slow down, I’m sorry, I just… I’ve been wanting to do this,” she husks, her eyes again raking down Maggie’s body, like they did after she first kissed her in the bar, and the path of her eyes ignites heat in Maggie’s core that no one’s ever made her feel before and no, no, no, it’s not too fast.

Because it’s not fast enough.

“Kiss me,” she begs, and Alex grins again, and Alex complies, and Maggie shifts so her thigh is between Alex’s legs, and Alex tosses her head back and she moans and she looks down into Maggie’s eyes like she’s the entire universe, because she is.

“You are so beautiful,” she says, and one of her hands traces up Maggie’s shirt. “I want… I want to feel your skin. On mine.”

Maggie nods and Alex slips off her, shucking off her own shirt and watching as Maggie does the same, watching as Maggie arches her hips off the bed and tugs down her jeans as Alex kneels and mirrors the action.

“Wait,” Maggie asks as Alex reaches for her own bra clasp, eyes still on Maggie’s. “May I?”

“Yeah.” Alex voice is ragged and wrecked and Maggie imagines hers sounds about the same.

She gasps softly when Alex’s bra slips down her shoulders, and Alex bites her lip.

“Don’t be nervous, you… you’re perfect, Alex. You are so fucking gorgeous.”

“Can I?” is all Alex says in response, nodding at Maggie’s chest, and it’s Maggie’s turn to bite her own lip, because her heart is slamming so damn hard but she nods because yes, yes, yes, please.

Alex smirks when she unhooks Maggie’s bra in one try, and Maggie scowls but gives a laugh that turns into an excited gasp when Alex leans back down on top of her, both now wearing nothing but their underwear, Maggie in boxers, Alex in boyshorts.

The difference in the heat between their legs without their jeans; the difference between being shirtless and topless; the difference between being nearly naked and mostly clothed, makes both of them freeze, makes both of them stare, makes both of them shake.

“I love you,” Maggie breathes at the same moment that Alex says the same, and Alex drops her forehead to Maggie’s as they both giggle, as they both exhale in shaky relief, as tears prick both of their eyes.

“May I… I want to make love to you, Alex.”

“Yeah, same.”

“Good then.”

They have to stop every few moments, every few touches, to catch their breath. To avoid hyperventilating with excitement, with nerves, with new sensations, with overwhelming need. And each time they do, they kiss; each time they do, they stare into each other’s eyes; each time they do, they ask if the other needs to stop;  each time they do, they giggle slightly with relief, with shared nerves, shared excitement, shared exhilaration; each time they do, they press their foreheads together and breathe. Just breathe.

When their need to have skin on skin outweighs their fears, outweighs their nerves, so that they’re completely naked, Alex freezes, and Maggie freezes, and Alex holds most of her weight up on her left arm while interlacing her right hand through Maggie’s fingers.

“All good?”

“This feels perfect. You?”

“I want you so bad.”

“So do something about it instead of talking about it, Danvers.”

They both giggle at that, but Alex swallows their soft laughter in the ferocity of her next kiss, her eagerness to live up to Maggie’s teasing challenge.

Her teeth graze Maggie’s throat, her tongue traces her collarbone, her lips claim one of her nipples. Maggie screams and Alex pauses, and a tear streams down Maggie’s cheek and Alex crawls up to kiss it, to kiss her, before Maggie shakes her head and pushes her head back down.

“Please don’t get all soft on me now, Danvers,” she teases, and Alex grins wickedly instead of pointing out that Maggie’s crying – it would be a useless argument, because she’s got tears in her own eyes, too – and she occupies herself again with Maggie’s breasts, knowing that yep, yep, yep, she’s definitely gay, and she’s definitely gone completely soft on this woman.

She slips one of her thighs between Maggie’s legs tentatively, and when Maggie lets out a gasp that’s more of a scream, she freezes again, but Maggie just raises one of her own legs so Alex has pressure between hers, too. And it’s Alex’s turn to gasp, to scream, and they keep their eyes locked as Maggie arches her hips up, as Alex arches her hips down, each riding the other’s thigh slow, soft, frictionless.

Frictionless, because, “Damn Danvers, you’re so wet,” and “Never for anyone but you, Sawyer,” and “Same, Alex. Same.”

They arch their hips harder, faster, both of Alex’s hands now holding Maggie’s down against the mattress, fingers interlaced, Maggie nodding constantly to let Alex know yes, yes, yes, and when the muscles in Alex’s back tense with her orgasm, she screams Maggie’s name and her eyes squeeze shut and that image, that sound, that feeling of how wet Alex is all over Maggie’s thigh, that feeling of Alex’s body hot and sweating and firm on top of her, of Alex’s leg between hers, giving her all the pressure in all the right places, sends Maggie over her own edge, with Alex’s name on her own lips, but softly, softly, softly, sending up a perfect harmony with Alex’s louder screams.

“Maggie,” Alex whispers as they both come back down, as she untangles their fingers and lifts her body to make sure she doesn’t collapse her entire weight onto Maggie’s, resting her forehead on Maggie’s collarbone, breathing, breathing, breathing.

“Was that okay?” she asks, and it’s tears, not just sweat, on Maggie’s face.

And, she realizes with a start, on her own, too.

“More than okay, Danvers. You?”

“Yeah. Definitely yeah. Uh… was that something you’d… wanna do again?”

“With you, Alex? Definitely yeah.”

anonymous asked:

Uh, hello. I am an FtM asexual. The thing is, I am not attracted to boys, at all. Like, it's like I don't want to be attracted to boys, even romantically. And in general, past the fact I am asexual, I am really uncomfortable with imaging me touching, hugging, kissing, someone, of any gender and I feel this is because of my gender dysphoria and has me really worried ( plus it's causing me stress because I keep feeling like a fake asexual ).

As an asexual trans guy, this is pretty relatable. I feel like a lot of me being ace stems more from dysphoria and not being comfortable with my body and how others may perceive it than from actually not feeling sexually attracted to someone. Because that’s all being asexual is: not being sexually attracted to people in general. I don’t know why you feel pressured to like men, since I only have this ask to work with, but regardless, there is no wrong way to be asexual. You can be ace and totally sex-repulsed, or you can be ace and really enjoy sex. It isn’t about the act of having sex itself. Being ace is about the direction your attraction moves in. How I describe my experience being ace is like this: I have a libido, it just doesn’t have a direction. It exists, and that’s it.
Sexuality is a really fluid thing that can change overtime, too, especially if your self-image starts to change from steps you take to transition or some other thing that helps you build some more confidence and see yourself differently. If you’re not into the physical affection generally expected of a relationship, you could also be aromantic? There are varying degrees of being aro, since that’s a spectrum just like being ace, but it’s something you could consider.
I know having labels can feel secure because you finally would have a word or two to describe your feelings and experiences efficiently, but don’t worry too much about seeming “real.” It’s way easier said than done, but I feel like with lots of introspection, discussions with trusted friends, and educating myself more about sexuality and romantic orientations, it can be done. That’s how I did it. Took me a few years, but I’ve finally come to a point where I can comfortably say that I don’t doubt if I’m a “real ace man” or anything. Figuring out things like this takes time. Don’t rush yourself. That’ll only make you more anxious. And only you can dictate what your sexuality is. Only you can label yourself. Not me, not a friend, not a family member, not anyone else. Just you. You’re the one who knows you best and you can choose for yourself what you think fits.
I hope this was remotely helpful. If you want to keep discussing this, you can send me more asks or even message me if you’d like a bit of a one-on-one conversation. Don’t feel like you’re bugging me! You’re not, I promise! I would like to help in any way I can. Just know that whatever help I give in my form of answers is up to you to accept, and do with it what you will. I can’t tell you definitively one way or another how you feel.

anonymous asked:

Is allosexual really a slur? I've seen a lot of people saying it is, but I haven't seen it used outside tumblr, and as far as I know it only means people that have sexual attraction. I'm confused.

It’s not. Just because someone doesn’t like a word doesn’t make it an actual “slur”–especially if the reason people don’t like it is to demean another meginalized group, or because they’re upset that not everything is about them.

“Allo” never has been, and never will be a slur. It’s just a word that means “not aspec.”

–Mod Mercy

anonymous asked:

im really new to ace discourse and the concept of asexuality and... the definition isnt really clear or how people explain it? how can aces, someone who doesnt feel sexual attraction, be ace if they feel sexual attraction? (sorry if this doesnt make sense... )

Asexual just means someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction. However, some people say there’s an “ace spectrum.” Which is pretty meaningless in reality considering everyone experiences sexual attraction differently and there’s not a set “normal.” So it’s not like you can actually create a scale that ranges between asexual and “normal” amounts of attraction. Since like I said there is no set “normal” amounts.

In very specific cases “ace spectrum” labels/modifiers like grey ace (someone who rarely experiences sexual attraction) can be helpful. For example I know a lot of people who spend long periods of time sex repulsed due to trauma/mental illness with brief periods of sex positivity. For them grey ace is an easy descriptor for that experience.

On the whole most ace spectrum labels don’t really describe any experience wildly different from how most people experience attraction. I don’t object to people using them to help communicate their feelings to their partners and whatnot but behaving as though there’s some solid scale between ace and non-ace is ridiculous.

Playing Pretend

Requested by anon: Dean x reader where they are hunting a god who is targeting couples. They pretend to be a couple to trap and kill the god, but the night doesn’t end there…

Warnings: Smut (Impala smut!)

Word Count: 2450

A/N: This one was a fun request. Thanks, anon! I hope you enjoy it! XOXO

“Are you ready?” Sam asked worriedly.

“I’m good, Sam. I know what to do, and it’s going to work just fine.” I tried to keep my voice steady and calm. I didn’t want to worry Sam with how how nervous I was about this plan.

“I’m still not sure, Y/N. The god is attacking couples because it feeds on the sexual attraction and energy between people. I don’t know if you and Dean will work as bait. The attraction needs to be real. At the very least, you and Dean will have to be damn convincing.”

That was the part I was nervous about.

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

I'm an ace who has sex. Occasionally. And how I usually explain it is that while I don't feel sexually attracted to someone, I know that people do like sex and that it can be a pleasant experience. So while I don't bang people left and right, I'll occasionally have sex with my SO because I know it's something they want (and that they will value more due to my orientation) or because I want to for some reason that isn't "I'm sexually attracted to this person I'm going to jump them". (Rant, srry)

rock on

that’s also totally something other aces do. all depends on the person

anonymous asked:

Would you ever date a guy ?

The older I get the more I don’t like gender/sexuality labels or boundaries.

I like souls. I like people.
So…who knows!
I’m 97% more sexually attracted to girls though 😊

toosouthernforspace  asked:

I see you wanted to do the celeb ask thing-- that could have been days ago but here Jeremy Renner or Karl Urban

Oh my goodness, what a cruel question!!!! :P They are both so handsome and I love them both. I mean, Karl is the stereotypical tall, dark, handsome stranger, and his little crooked smile is the most adorable thing ever. Jeremy has the most incredible eyes, and amazing arms. I just think they would be perfect for hugging. I think there is a Tumblr blog dedicated to his arms that I follow, haha!  

I think though, when push comes to shove, it’s gotta be Karl. Aesthetically, he is just perfect for me (you know, ace, no sexual attraction, but I still enjoy looking at gorgeous people - like the pleasure you would get from a nice piece of art, or beautiful scenery). 

Originally posted by jimkirks-rippedshirts

Originally posted by fuckyeahteamjones

I just had a sudden realization

Allo people don’t know what sexual attraction is.

They don’t know that thinking someone is hot, saying “I’d tap that” or staring at butts or boobs for anything other than aesthetic reasons is sexual attraction.

They don’t even know saying someone is sexy is sexual attraction. To them they’re all just adjectives to describe how someone looks, not necessarily whether or not you’d have sex with them.

I think from now on, it’s be best to say “Ace people won’t find someone sexy or look at someone and say ‘I wanna tap that’” would be better than saying “they don’t experience sexual attraction” because most allosexuals don’t know what that is.

anonymous asked:

1. Hi, I'm sorry to be nosy and of course don't answer this if you don't want to, but what has your journey through your sexuality been like? Because way back on lj you said you had a husband, and now you and wizzard890 legit are in love (congrats!) and living together and it's not just you jokingly referring to your best friend as your girlfriend. And I just saw in your tags in that you've experienced some of what's happened in couples where one partner was asexual and the other was allosexual.

2. So, not that it’s any of my business, but do you regard yourself as biromantic and asexual? I’m just really interested in how people deal with their sexual and romantic identities and relationships because I don’t think these things get talked about enough and taught well to people who need it.

Hi! You’re not being nosy. Yes, I am biromantic and asexual! My journey through my sexuality has been, um, not very satisfying, I guess. When I was a teenager, I fell in love with a guy, racked a bunch of ‘firsts,’ and figured, you know, I guess I’m straight. I mean, I wasn’t that into the physical stuff, but I was 15 and having So Many Emotions, so I dived into it. When it was only meh, I figured that was just because…you know, I was 15, and neither of us knew what we were doing.

Then I fell in love with one of my female friends. She was straight, though, so I just had to sit on it. But I wasn’t sure what to make of it, because–I didn’t want to touch her naked-style? So I was like…am I just really really really in friend-love with you? I keep looking at your boobs, but that’s normal, right? I mean, who doesn’t occasionally sneak a glimpse down their same-sex friends’ shirts. Or make up excuses to run their fingers through their hair. Or feel their heart pound when they snuggle up at a sleepover.

This all sounds mega gay now, but the thing is–I didn’t want to do anything about it. I liked having all of those feelings, but to me there was just no connection between that and wanting to have sex. And I didn’t know that some people could have different romantic and sexual attractions! So I was just like. ????? Am I straight???? Am I bi???? Am I gay and repressed?????? why is the sex I’m having not any fun? 

I kept sleeping with guys because it was just…you know…easy. Like, dick is everywhere. It is easier to let dick into your life than keep it out, and I liked these guys. Sometimes I had serious feelings for them. Sometimes I just wanted to see if sex would feel right this time. People said that maybe I was tense, and that’s why I wasn’t getting into it, so I slept with good friends who I trusted, I got giggly-drunk, I went to weird costume sex parties where everyone looks so ridiculous you can’t feel uptight…none of that worked. This is something I don’t hear ace people talk about publically that much, but anecdotally I think it must happen a lot: a lot of aces really slut it up for a while! Because what am I doing wrong? Do I just have a weird fetish I don’t know about?? Am I only into threesomes??? Maybe casual sex will work?? no??? okay what about something kinky?? no????

It was like my vagina was a damn Rubik’s cube. What arcane, bullshit combination of factors would make me actually want to sleep with someone?

By that point I was in my early twenties, and I fell in love and got married. I’m not gonna really go into that because I think he still checks my blog sometimes, but sexually it was a really bad match. I finally realized that I just didn’t like sex. He felt hurt and rejected, understandably. I wanted to talk to him, to figure out some way he could get what he needed in a way that wouldn’t leave me feeling miserable, but he closed off and didn’t want to talk about it. I felt guilty and ashamed for being “broken.” We had sex anyway, for a few years, and I hated it, and resented him for initiating it. He decided the problem was that I didn’t find him attractive anymore, and withdrew even more. He wasn’t comfortable talking about sex, and I wasn’t comfortable having sex.

So yeah, eventually that was that. The sex stuff wasn’t the only thing that killed the relationship, but it was a big part of it. 

But with my girlfriend now, things could not be more different. She knew I was ace before we got together, and she told me she was fine with that. She’s a lesbian, romantically and sexually, but she has a pretty low sex drive. And we have a good sexual connection! I mean–we have really solid, open communication about sex, and we’ve found ways of connecting sexually in ways that don’t involve having sex. It takes some creativity, and compromise on both our parts, but she’s satisfied, and I feel safe and respected. And I know that if she ever wasn’t satisfied, she’d bring it up and we’d talk about it and figure something out. 

tldr: the whole journey of discovery was a huge drag that involved having a lot of sex that I hated and feeling broken and undeserving of love for a long time. But I’ve ended up in a good place. Hopefully hearing me go on and on about all this will shorten the trip to “a good place” for somebody else.

anonymous asked:

heyyy, do you believe that sexual and romantic attraction can be different?

I know that for most people they aren’t lbr. For me, the split attraction model only make sense for asexual people tbh. For the rest, in my experience, most people are romantically into the same sex(es) they’re sexually into.

Mod M :D

anonymous asked:

do you think its possible to be aroromantic but not asexual? cause i know i'm aro, but i'm still sexually attracted to people, and my friend says its ''gross and wrong'' and tells me that if i had sex with people, i'd just be leading them on, and she says its not possible to be aro unless you're ace too. do you think that's true?

  • it’s entirely possible and not terribly uncommon for static romantic orientations to differ from static sexual orientations.
  • it’s okay to feel sexual attraction (or not) and it’s okay to not feel romantic attraction (or do).
  • there’s nothing wrong with you and there’s nothing wrong with being aro or ace.
  • your friend is a gross insensitive asshole.

I want to talk about something for a minute. 

I want to talk about how people discuss my sexuality the same way they discuss my hatred, and disgust, of Tomatoes. I want to talk about how I told my friends “Call me Bi if it’s easier” and learned to settle with identifying wrong. 

I’m not Bisexual. I’m Asexual. 

I hate tomatoes. With a passion. They disgust me. But anytime this is brought up, I haven’t met a person that moves on and accepts it. Even those that I’ve known for years, that don’t insist I eat them make (less than) subtle comments about trying tomatoes. Because on the off chance that my taste buds have changed, we have to risk me wanting to vomit.

I’m not allowed to specify that I hate tomatoes at school camps, or on trips. And if someone else makes food with tomatoes I have to struggle through and eat enough to be polite. I’ve been held back to eat my meal because I want to cry. I cannot stomach tomatoes and It hurts me for that not to be accepted. But I’ll do it. I will, just so that the world around me shuts the fuck up. So that people don’t tell me a list of ways that they like tomatoes. 

“Not even on Pizza?”, “What about the little, sweet, juicy ones?”, “So how do you eat Ketchup or Pizza Sauce?“ 

"Isn’t that hard for your parents?" 

"Just wait, your taste buds will change.”

“I didn’t like tomatoes, but then I tried them like …" 

"My kid doesn’t like tomatoes either, but we’re working on it.”

These sound awfully similar to another part of my life I’ve found I don’t like, and don’t want to participate in. 

Sex.

I’m Bi - romantic. And before people yell at me for that “Not being a thing” I’d like you to shut up. 

It is. Because I need it to be a thing. I need something to gather others like me with. I need something, a word, so the people around me can understand how I feel. 

The important part here is the other side. I’m Asexual. Meaning I don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone. At all. Ever. 

I never have. I’ve never been involved with someone sexually, and I’ve never been traumatized. So no, I can’t “Get over it.” (And if your asexuality is related to past trauma or abuse, I’m incredibly sorry, and you’re still valid.). No one is required to do anything. 

“You’re young," 

"You’ll learn to love it.”

“Wait… so how does that work?”

“Do you still get off?”

“How do you get off?”

“But what about X/Y/Z thing you said/did?" 

"What if you do? Then what?”

“How do I not know you’re not faking?”

“I’ve never dated, but I don’t require my own special box.”

“I don’t feel that way either. But unlike you I don’t have to throw it at people." 

1) Yes. I’m young. But I’ve known I’m not straight since I was seven. Some people figure out they’re gay when they’re 70. Are they ‘too old’???. 
    and when are we ‘Too young’ to be straight? Never.

2) Fuck off. Maybe my lack of sexual attraction has no impact on whether or not I’ll enjoy the act of sex. Maybe it will. That’s for me to find out, and you to leave alone. 

3) It works simply. I don’t find you, or anyone else, attractive. You move on with your life. I can still masturbate and I can still have sex. And I certainly can still date. People are attractive. They’re pretty, and I can admire their faces and their aesthetics. 

4) This ties in slightly with the last thing people say to me. Yes. I can, and I do. It’s hard to describe because I don’t understand how other people "Get off” or how they view people. I don’t know what sexual attraction is. I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t understand why people objectify others, or when they say “that’s not got sex appeal.” I don’t understand society’s love, but also their secrecy, around sex. 

5) That thing I did/said? The sexual innuendo, the pun? The fact that I laughed when the boys were grinding? Or the fact that I read smut or didn’t throw up at the slight mention of genitals? Yeah… that’s not my asexuality. That’s sometimes a part of it. The sex repulsion, but not all asexuals feel that way. 

6) Then I’ll figure it out, change my label. Not tell you??

7 + 8) That’s nice sweetheart. But I like having my own community. I like having a safe place, and I like having other people understand what’s going on. It makes it easier. Not for you. I don’t care how easy I am for you to understand. I care how easy it is for me to understand myself. And I care about how well I know myself. You, I couldn’t care less about.

But, like with Tomatoes, I’ll pretend I’m not all that. Its “Too hard” for my friends to get it, and they ask questions and won’t accept the answers. So I’m Bisexual for them. And anyone else that asks. 

I’m not me. 

Because I don’t exist to society. 

I’m ignored, and I’m erased because I’m difficult. Difficult to get with, and difficult to understand. So instead I’m labeling myself as I did before I discovered this. 

As a Bisexual I’m fetished, ignored, erased and stereotyped. I get labels I didn’t ask for, and I’m thrust, with hundreds of others, into area’s of life I don’t want to be in. 

Either way people use me where it’s convenient. I’m not an identity so much as a place holder.

The labels I use for myself are used against me in ways I never imagined they would be.

The way I exist is constantly belittled, and thought to be less of me than it is. I am more than my sexuality. I am more than “Another Gay”. But it is also a very real, very large, very important, part of me.

And that is as important to me as anyone else. So I strive to be unapologetic for three things:

1) My sexuality. I am asexual, and I’m hella proud. 

2) My love. I love people without second thought, and I will continue to do so. I love people without constraint, and it’s something other people love me for. 

3) My eating habits. I hate Tomatoes. I will continue to not eat tomatoes, and everyone around me can grow up. (I also don’t eat Rocket, Bok choi, Brussel sprouts, Blue cheese and anything that will melt my face off and make me cry…because they also do not sit right on my tongue or in my stomach… if you were wondering)

~Aidan (Who is most definitely a Cis girl… but that’s another subject)

An Attractive Mind

For many people I know, attraction (sexual attraction, that is) is primarily physical, with the mental aspect of attraction following somewhere behind. If asked, these people would probably profess an interest or desire to be sexually intimate - on some level - with someone they describe as being physically amazing with an “okay personality” (some even say that they have sexual desires for people they personally dislike or hate). When I say that I don’t feel the same way, some have asked, “So, would you have sex with someone you don’t find physically attractive, but was an amazing person?”

And that question just doesn’t fit in line with how I actively see people. Sometimes I’ve had a hard time explaining it to friends. For me, someone isn’t really physically attractive (in the way that sexual attraction arises from) until they’ve opened their mouth and said something; until I know in some way who they are as a person. Not to say I see everyone as unattractive, or some sort of grey blob floating in space. Not that I wouldn’t say “that person is attractive” if I don’t know them personally - I just wouldn’t mean “I am attracted to them”.

Something about a person’s physical appearance changes in my eyes when I know what kind of person they are. It’s almost like actually seeing a different person. Human cognition is interesting that way. We see the world - and thus other people - as we perceive them, and to describe those intangible differences in perception is often difficult. It’s incredibly likely that others have felt the same way I have about sexual attraction, and it’s also incredibly likely that there are people who can’t relate to this at all.

So it’s not that the physical “doesn’t matter to me”. It’s just that the physical is highly influenced by the mental to the point where an attractive mind really can make for a more attractive body.

jacksonmorningstar  asked:

Hi I just reblogged the holy trinity of sexualities thing and was just wondering if you would mind explaining to me what your definition of demisexuality is? I've seen people reference it but never explain what it means. As an asexual I like to see all the other sexualities and understand them as much as possible. I hope this isn't too invasive....

not at all! i might be answering this at a bad time, 2am and all, but…

just like “asexual” can have lots of definitions based on the persons experiences, demisexual can be the same thing- but the underlying definition of it is that the person doesnt experience primary sexual attraction (meeting someone, glancing at stranger’s body, celebrities) but does- at some point in their life, maybe only once or many times- experience secondary sexual attraction (forming a close bond with someone, making a deep connection on an emotional/mental level, not always falling in love but sometimes it is)

  • Primary Sexual Attraction: A sexual attraction to people based on instantly available information (such as their appearance or smell) which may or may not lead to arousal or sexual desire.
  • Secondary Sexual Attraction: A sexual attraction that develops over time based on a person’s relationship and emotional connection with another person.

thats really it. people have beef with demisexuality (just stroll the tag, its probably still awful- i havent checked in ages) is because they convolute the simple meaning with shit like demis saying “oh im a special pure being who doesnt fuck unless its love”, but no, its not like that. its just simply lacking primary sexual attraction like asexuals do- theres no trying to be anything, and you feel weird and out of place, too. 

some demis still arent too hyped about sex even when they experience secondary sexual attraction, it gets complicated. i enjoy it but i dont like attention on me very often, i prefer to focus on the other person. i feel like this has a lot to do with me being demi and what im comfortable with in the gray ace spectrum. that “desire” doesnt really surface unless it’s more or less about giving pleasure to someone very, very important to me, not really receiving it. it took me a long time to figure that out and a lot of confusion, yikes. (more about primary/secondary sexual attraction and sexual desire model here)

i know a lot of people scoff at it but honestly its just a definition that makes sense for me. i never saw sex as impure or bad, i forced myself to have sex with people i wasnt attracted to just because i thought something was wrong with me. even people i well enough liked or felt a bond with that i found physically attractive- nothing, awkward as hell moments. it wasnt until i “clicked” just right, felt some deeper bond and respect for someone that i found myself desiring them. sometimes it takes a while, sometimes its a “holy shit! i forgot what this was like damn”

i can see how this can be misunderstood, allosexuals experience primary and secondary attraction, and the secondary attraction can be very similar to how demi’s experience it. allosexuals might see demis as special snowflakes who dont get hot over actors/characters or exhibit sexual behavior based on appearances and see them as chaste, when really theyre just not hardwired that way and its not some moral choice. asexuals dont tend to experience either primary or secondary and might find demis not ace enough and a lack of primary sexual attraction not reason enough to consider demis legitimate in the gray ace spectrum or in the ace community. 

what to do! pfff

anonymous asked:

I don't know if my lack of sexual attraction to other people is genuine, or if it's cause I'm not "attractive" and I tend to also intimidate people so they don't really hit on me ever, and maybe I just tell myself I don't fancy anyone cause I don't want to get hurt, but in my head I'd like to have a (sexual) relationship, but maybe I'm just THAT picky (and I am in general with people but still), but I really liked my ex and never felt like having sex with them, is this normal ace behaviour???

Definitely normal ace behavior. Your doubts are very familiar and common. Honestly, a lot of people like you just choose to ignore the doubts, because there really is no solid answer to the question ‘am I really ace?’ So in the end, it falls down to us.

- Fae