i know my answer to everything is miranda but i can't help it

Mass Effect 2 - a (not so) short summary
  • Shepard: this is a routine mission
  • Joker: yeah we are just chillin in the empty calm space without worries that is the life eh
  • Shepard: tru homie no danger in sight we are just like little bugs in the infinite field of the universe
  • Collector's ship: DID SOMEONE SAY BUGS *destroys the Normandy*
  • Shepard: OH DEAR MAKER WHAT'S THAT
  • Shepard: sorry wrong quote
  • Joker: let me save the ship
  • Shepard: let me save your fragile ass
  • Joker: Shepper nooooooo
  • Shepard: Shepper yooooooo *crashes into a planet like a comet and dies*
  • Joker: look at that lemme make a wish real quick
  • Joker: I wish one day I'll fuck a robot
  • ---
  • Miranda: Allusive Man we found Shep's corpse
  • Illusive Man: nice now let's spend a shitload of money to resurrect him/her
  • Miranda: cool let's make him/her our slave by modifying the brain
  • Illusive Man: damn girl what is your problem we can't manipulate someone's mind that's fucked up shit
  • Illusive Man: anyway how is the project of turning Grayson in a human reaper going?
  • ---
  • Shepard: *wakes up after a 2 years coma*
  • Miranda: Shepard we're under attack stand up and fight u inferior slut
  • Shepard: aw shit I can barely move *runs like a leopard* *fight like a demon from hell* *tears shit up*
  • Jacob: hurry up commander
  • Shepard: wait I need answers
  • Jacob: Shepard for the love of god we're in the middle of a fight mechs are shooting at us we can't talk rn
  • Shapard: so how was your day?
  • Jacob: OMG it was nice thank you, I wake up and had a toast then I did some push ups then...
  • Miranda: let's get out of here gossip girls
  • ---
  • Illusive Man: hello I'm Cerberus' boss listen to me you have to find out why humans are disappearing
  • Shepard: fuck you Intrusive Man I don't work for you
  • Illusive Man: I revived you
  • Shepard: oh fuck ok then
  • ---
  • Tali: holy fleet Shap is that u
  • Shepard: ye it is me Tali I missed you so much
  • Tali: cool bye
  • Shepard: no wait Tali join my squad
  • Tali: nah better later I got stuff to do now
  • ---
  • Mordin: *fast shit-talking*
  • Shepard: haha I like you I'll make sure nothing bad will ever happen to you trust me
  • ---
  • Kasumi: god I miss Keiji so much I will never love again
  • Jacob: hey
  • Kasumi: yooooooooooo
  • ---
  • Shepard: Zaeed you squinter swine you set fire to a refinery just to find your boyfriend we are all going to die
  • Zaeed: that fucker shoot me in the head
  • Shepard: aaw isn't this love
  • ---
  • Grunt: Shepurd I feel strange I just want to kill everybody and destroy everything
  • Shepard: oh Grunt baby it's perfectly normal you're just becoming a woman
  • Wrex: Shep he is a krogan. Male. It's like our puberty
  • Grunt: do you mean I don't need this XXXXL tampon?
  • ---
  • Thane: my son is in trouble and my wife is dead
  • Shepard: k
  • Thane: "The fire has gone to be kindled anew.” He begs them not to take her away. They let her body slide into the water. He hits me. “Don’t let them! Stop them! Why weren’t you–” It rains. It always rains on Kahje. Warm water pours down his face.
  • Shepard: Cole is that you
  • Thane: what
  • Shepard: what
  • ---
  • Jack: fuck you and fuck everything and fuck Cerberus in particular
  • Shepard: girl put a shirt on it's raining cats and dogs
  • Jack: fuck shirts fuck cats and dogs and fuck me
  • Shepard: kinky
  • ---
  • Samara: help me kill my daughter
  • Shepard: shit why everyone in my squad are psycopath or have tragic stories and why do I have to solve everyone's problem?
  • Samara: so you won't help me?
  • Shepard: sure I'll help you let's do it girl
  • ---
  • Garrus: guess who's fucking back and ready to be romanced
  • Shepard: fuck yes I'm gonna date the shit out of you
  • Garrus: ...
  • Shepard: so-
  • Garrus: shut up I'm calibrating
  • ---
  • Shepard: why do you have a piece of my armor you creepy weirdo
  • Legion: there was a hole
  • Shepard: are you telling me you just have to close every hole you see?
  • Legion: yes
  • Shepard: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  • ---
  • Shepard: all right let's go kill all collectors as requested from the Incisive Man
  • Harbinger: we are the beginning, you are the end
  • Shepard: yeah I'm YOUR end
  • Party members: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH SNAP!
  • Harbinger: this hurts me
  • Shepard: fuck my second life what is that big ass blue motherfucker
  • EDI: it's a human reaper
  • Shepard: woah tough shit better destroy this ship and everything in it
  • Illusive Man: wait Shepard don't do it we need this technology
  • Shepard: shut up Disquisitive Man I do what I want and I want to tear this abomination up
  • Illusive Man: damn no I should have enslaved your mind when I had the chance
  • Miranda: called it
  • Shepard: well too fucking bad Dispositive Man let's do this homies
  • ---
  • Shepard: and that's how I saved the day once again
  • Hackett: Shepard you gangsta you forgot to say you killed 300.000 batarian in the process
  • Shepard: I do it for a good cause
  • Hackett: what cause
  • Shepard: peace
  • Hackett: *cries* this is beautiful
  • Shepard: I know buddy
  • Hackett: you're under arrest