Pairing: Dan x reader or Phil x reader
Genre: romance, angst, a speck of fluff (I think)
Song: The Silence by Mayday Parade
TW: a lot of sadness
Word count: 988
Because listening to this song on my iPod made me think ‘You know you wanna fanfic this.’ This one’s gonna be pretty short since I still got a bunch of fanfics I gotta write and this is more or less something I wanted to get out of my head so I don’t put this on the side and never get back to again. Also, let me know if you want to see a part 2. I didn’t expect to end this in an open-ended way.
I didn’t know how it came to this. There was a time when our time together wasn’t on a schedule, when YouTube didn’t put a hindrance on our home dates and nighttime strolls. Somewhere along the way, secretive meetups transformed into occasional kisses and a few text messages every week. The burst of happiness I felt in the beginning dwindled into a small wad of optimism when I even get the chance to see him.
Seeing him nowadays doesn’t bring the instant smile to my face. If I do, whether it’s on an electronic screen or in-person, it’s a relief to remember he’s still alive, that none of his near-death experiences struck him to an actual moment of death. There’ll be a single second of being glad he hasn’t forgotten me, but other than that, we may as well just be friends. It’s as if the days we get to be alone together is our way to remind ourselves we’re still in a relationship.
We’re still a couple.
We should’ve broken up as soon as we realized our physical and emotional distance was coming between us. I should be the one to say “we should break up,” fragile words I can’t take back once I say them aloud. It should be easy. It’ll be the start of a clean break. Once we walk away from all this, we can walk away from the burden of our own love.
But that’s our flaw. Our love isn’t what’s making us unhappy. Our love is proof of a dream that came true since we met two years ago. Being his girlfriend is pushing us to be patient, waiting for the right time to reveal our relationship to the public. When we say “I love you” to each other, I think of how lucky I am to have him as my boyfriend, a guy who’s one-half of Dan and Phil.
Our problem is we’ve given up. Once the obstacles began to pile up, we didn’t take the time to address them. We left them to become an invisible wall dividing the both of us. He buried himself in YouTube while I focused on (school/work). By the time I came to terms that we were beginning to turn into the couple who spent so much time apart to the inevitable point of breaking up, it was too late to undo the damage. I was scared of bringing up the issue to him. Not once did we have a major argument since we met, and I didn’t want to allow our distance be the reason we fight.
So I keep my mouth shut. I cry myself to sleep to release my frustrations. I endure the indifference in his eyes whenever he films a video on his main channel or the gaming channel, his soft irises gazing at his best friend in a way that should be reserved for me. I keep a straight face when we go on a date and I see the new coldness in his eyes when he looks at me, the kind of coldness that makes me think he’d rather be doing something else than spending time with his girlfriend.
I’m dying so much in the inside. I want to set us free from the predicament, to end the silence and go back to how we used to be. It breaks my heart to have a boyfriend I don’t know if I can call a boyfriend anymore. I know he still loves me enough to stay with me, but I need more than our status. I need us to be what (your ship name with you & Dan or you & Phil) is supposed to be.
Ice cream weekends and my journal entries about every new memory we make together.
Being invited to parties and VidCon, albeit under the label as his friend.
Teasing him about his change from straight hair to curly hair and his tendencies to fall asleep anywhere and anytime.
And so, so much more.
Today is our second anniversary. Five hundred days since the day we first crossed paths. I woke up this morning to a text from him informing me he’s busy filming a couple videos. However, he promised to take me out tonight to celebrate.
He didn’t forget. Maybe there’ll be a miracle and we can have one night where we can genuinely behave like a normal couple. Even though tomorrow will reset to how we are now, at least I could be happy for a portion of the day.
I go about my day as usual. Before I know it, I’m at the doorstep of my home. I unlock the front door, and when I go inside, I’m greeted by a pleasant surprise. A moderately-large box sits on my sofa. Upon closer inspection, I find my name written on the top flap, along with a Post-It taped to the top.
Sorry it isn’t much. Happy birthday love.
Trying not to get my hopes up, I open the box. Inside is something that literally brings me to my knees.
I take out every packaged journal in the box. One, two, three… I keep counting until the box is empty. Thirty. The same price of the first journal he bought for me on our first Christmas as a couple.
My throat constricts in a silent sob.
Maybe this is his way of breaking the silence. He’s doing it before I do.
Of course he wouldn’t be blind to my inner suffering. Only an idiot would be oblivious to how much we’ve grown apart these last several months.
A grin forms and I laugh like a maniac. It’s going to be okay. My one-night plan may not be for one night after all.
He’ll be done making me sad.
I stand back up and stuff the journals back into the box. With tear-stained cheeks, I head to my room.
I’ve got a date to prepare for.