i know it was out in 2011 but technically it only came out in my country this year so

why north americans are allowed to complain

so ive been seeing some stuff recently, especially when the first tour announcement was made, saying that north americans shouldn’t complain about not getting a tour because we already had a tour earlier this year. so i whipped out my handy dandy calculator and i did some math and it all adds up. NORTH AMERICANS HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO COMPLAIN.

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I never wanted to revisit these memories

I never wanted to revisit these memories or share any of this. With anyone. I didn’t want to discuss it with friends. I didn’t want to talk about it with my boyfriend. I shoved it so far back into my head that I believed I could move on from it. And in time, I have. But sometimes things come out that make you realize that things happened. And sometimes they come out of nowhere. And that is where I am today. After hearing this latest news with Sam Pepper, I feel that I can’t stay quiet. Whenever things like this come to light, I get angry. And I want to share with you why.

Living in Los Angeles and being around (not part) the YouTube community was probably the worst time in my life. I didn’t have many people I could call a friend. Those years were awful. And I’m so thankful I moved out of LA because it finally gets me away from everything.

I moved to LA in January 2011. That is when I started seeing a YouTuber who eventually became my boyfriend. I was involved with this person for just under a year. We met in March 2011 and things ended in February 2012. During this time, the relationship we had was anything but healthy. There was no trust, a lack of communication, and neither of us was really happy. I wanted the relationship, but he didn’t. But I was still kept around. Early on, before we were “official”, I found out he had a girl stay over. This was the first time I wasn’t invited over the weekend. I found out through Twitter a girl was visiting him. She didn’t know about me and I didn’t know about her. He told me she slept on the couch and nothing happened. I now know the truth, considering this girl is actually one of my best friends, that all this was a lie. She slept in his bed and things happened. He swore for the WHOLE relationship that he never cheated on me. So we know all this was a lie. Technically, he didn’t “cheat” since I wasn’t his girlfriend, but since the weekend before and the weekend after I was in his bed, it’s disgusting. He lied. To BOTH of us. And that started the distrust. I saw conversations through the whole time we were together of him and this girl, and numerous other girls. Some were VERY young. I didn’t know their ages, but I saw pictures of girls on his phone, some naked, some not. I couldn’t verify who these girls were. I knew that I was never the only girl he was talking to. There were constant fights and I spent plenty of time crying in the corner of his room while he played video games with his roommates. The two of us breaking up was a good thing. He never loved me. And it hurt. I didn’t want to get out of bed. We enjoyed playing video games together and watching movies. And it felt like I had no other friends, so I was crushed. But it was finally over.

I remember the night he told me how much he disliked our relationship. Everything about it. And how he found it with this other girl who lived in another country. How she made him realize how much he didn’t love me and how much he hated being with me. This was after we broke up and I had started dating someone else. That was not a good night. The texts from him kept coming in and I just cried while my brother was outside my room wondering if I was okay and my boyfriend had to listen to me on the phone just…hurting.

Not only was the relationship horrible, but the house environment that he lived in was toxic. Two of his other roommates have been heavily accused of being emotional abusive and have gone silent. They were Luke Conard and Alex Carpenter. I was in that environment for a year. Three girls that I admire so much have spoken up. When this came to light a couple months ago, I had a horrible anxiety attack. I didn’t want to hear about it. I didn’t want to be involved. I watched a Tumblr page with multiple people I knew coming forward about these people I was around for a year and I was physically ill. I read their stories and remember certain nights that were discussed. And I cried. I was in the house. I was there. And I was just terrified that the post would come along accusing my ex-boyfriend. But it never did. I don’t think he was ever with anyone underage, but I don’t know. I’ll leave it at that.

Those people weren’t my friends. I was stuck in this group of “popular YouTubers” and I was nobody. I wasn’t invited to things, but was allowed to come along. I never felt close to the other girls in the house. I could never talk to them about the things going on. The girls were never mean to me, but we just weren’t close. I admire, respect, and love these girls. I feel a connection with them because of all this. They’ve been through so much worse than me. But all I can think about is how all of this went on around me. While all of us were silent, but hurting inside. The guy’s fans disliked me. I was torn apart on any video I happened to be in. I was called ugly, annoying, stupid, etc. And I was made fun of by all of them. They were not my friends. And I hated them so much for not treating me like a normal person. I was always an outcast since day one.

That chapter is over. The truth has come out. But unfortunately, my story doesn’t stop there.

Another popular YouTuber that has been in my life has been accused of similar things. I met Corey Vidal at VidCon 2011. I was upset about hearing that the guy I was seeing had kissed another girl while we were together. So I tried getting back at that guy by kissing Corey. Corey was his friend. Corey and I stayed friends over a few years. I remember one night I was talking to another girl he knew and he was texting and flirting with us both, clearly drunk. We decided to play a joke and say something really random to him at the same time so he could KNOW that we knew he was trying to hit us up at the same time. He got INCREDIBLY mad and started cussing at us that we were horrible and stopped talking to both of us. Eventually we became friends again. I saw him in early 2013 and was happy to see him. He and his friends stayed at my house a few nights while they were in town working with ShayCarl. I’m seen in their vlogs. Corey stayed in my bed and things happened, though we never had sex. He had a girlfriend this whole time. He swears they were in an open relationship. But seeing myself in a vlog the next day, where clips of her were shown, followed by clips of us in my living room. I started to distance myself from Corey due to other reasons that have nothing to do with this post. At one point it came to my attention that he was telling other YouTubers that I was easy. Not exactly what I want to hear. Whether these things are true, I’ll never know. He’s contacted me probably twice a year to apologize and let me know he’s here for me. But I don’t need that. He won’t state what he is apologizing for, because he claims he’s never said a bad thing about me. But the thing is, I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want any of these people in my life.

VidCon 2013. Probably the worst weekend in my entire life. I was excited. I was going to see lots of my friends and I was single and in a better place. Or so I thought. Quick note – I struggle with severe anxiety. I am medicated for it. Shortly before the convention I changed prescriptions that I had never drank with before. I’ve been fine drinking with my other medication (which I am back on) but once again, never had drank with this one before. I drove up with a friend and we went out to a party. I had tons of fun the first night. I mingled, I flirted, I had fun. The next morning, my friend kinda shoved me off and it left a bitter taste in my mouth. So I started hanging out with another friend of me. She and I started drinking early. My friend I had drove up to VidCon with was busy and not really responding to texts. This is when things got…hazy. I had been drinking, but something was wrong. I started blacking out. I didn’t know where I was and I can’t remember how I got places. I remember being with two of my friends and in a room with other people. Then I was in another person’s hotel room with one guy kissing me. And then another opening my dress, exposing my chest. I had met one of these men earlier, and knew he was also a popular YouTuber. Now, maybe I was the one who exposed myself. But I don’t remember how I got there. I don’t remember where I was. Then we were walking to a party and I dropped my phone. It shattered so much, it was unusable. I could tell I was receiving messages, but the phone screen was black. This stirred up a lot and me and that was the first time I remembered that I had been taken advantage of (by being kissed and touched on my chest) in some random hotel room. How had I gotten there? I barely knew those people. I needed to find someone. I was hysterical. I was not okay. I was trying to find my friend I could trust, people were texting him for me. But when I got him on the phone, he was angry at me for behaving like this and told me he didn’t want to see me the rest of the weekend. I somehow found my way to the hotel with other people and found my way up to my room. My other roommate, who is a friend of mine to this day thank god, had no clue what was going on. I had no clue what was going on. She never knew what happened. No one did. I couldn’t talk about it. I was afraid I’d be blamed. I knew something wasn’t right. I don’t know if the alcohol and my medicine reacted poorly. Or if…something was in my drink. I don’t know. I want to cry now because I don’t fucking know what happened. I stopped eating for a few days. I was able to make a phone call to my friend from the night before and he repeated again that he didn’t care what happened but that I embarrassed him and he didn’t want to see me the rest of the weekend. This was someone I cared about. I tried staying. My friend Jenny tried to get me to go to the pool, but somebody threw up in it and we couldn’t swim. I went back to the room, packed, and left without telling anyone. I had no phone. I drove home. I went to get a replacement phone. And then I went back to the hotel. There was one person I wanted to see, Joseph Birdsong, and I found him and we danced and it was great. I saw a few other people from out of state and I’m glad I saw them. I tried apologizing to people who were around the night before. Some said it was okay, others wouldn’t let me apologize or speak to them. I’m responsible for my own actions. But I know something wasn’t right. There were too many times that I can’t remember. And still can’t remember. And I’ll never know if anything else happened or what I did. And I still believe it’s all my fault. And I may never believe otherwise. After this, I left. I drove home again. Within a few days, I started eating again. I went back to my other medication and have not had any other issues since. I never told anyone what really happened that night…until now.

Things started looking up from there. After BlizzCon in November of 2013, I realized I wanted to leave Los Angeles. And I worked hard and did. I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area in March 2014. I’m out of the world I was in and I can move forward. I wrote this…to finally get it off my chest. YouTube has been a great place for many. And for others, it has resulted in emotionally abusive relationships and sexual assault. It’s hard for me to see the positive side of YouTube anymore. I’ve met some amazing people because of YouTube. Sarah Snitch, Kristina Horner, Jenny Sargent, Laci Green, Haley Hoover, Joseph Birdsong…I love these people. They may not realize how much…but I do. I respect and admire them so much. I just want to let everyone out there…be cautious. It’s easy to get caught up with receiving attention from someone you idolize. Don’t feel you ever have to do something you don’t. Don’t blame yourself. If something doesn’t feel right, confide in someone. Because chances are, they are wrong. This isn’t the YouTube community. It is a few cases of people abusing the power they have. And they will only have that power if we give it to them. If you see something is wrong, don’t stay quiet. Ignoring the problem allows it to continue. And I ignored it because I felt I didn’t have a voice. And maybe no one will read this. But maybe someone will and realize…something that is occurring isn’t right. And they can put an end to it. I don’t want people to end up like me. I’ve come to extremely dislike YouTube. I don’t want to ever attend another convention related to it or even upload anymore. I don’t want people to feel like that. I’ve just seen so much negativity behind the scenes that I can’t go back to liking it. I want YouTube to be better. I don’t want Luke Conard to come back, which his fans are pleading him to. I don’t want Sam Pepper to ever be allowed to make a video again. I want these people held accountable for their actions. I hope we can get there soon.

Masterpost of YouTube Abuse