i just wrote words

in california we spill dirt through woven fingers and swallow the earth. her mouth is golden where it touches the river, choking prayers in lungs. we lie beneath and this is what graves breathe: moonlight girls with coal dust skin, clawed eyes & broken teeth. above us, the town is made of lights. we weld bones together, hold fast to the soft skin on backs before it bleeds. I raise the sieve over her head and rain metal into the cracks of her body. 


“boomtown” r.l.

I wrote a thousand words and all of them were terrible

WHAT FLOWS THROUGH YOUR VEINS?
the blood of a giant. she slumbers under a mountain and as the rock crumbles she sighs in her sleep, pulling dirt closer like a living blanket, she breathes in earth like oxygen, safe, safe while she sleeps.

WHAT FLOWS THROUGH YOUR VEINS?
starlight. rivers of it, shifting liquid starlight drawn from the sky into my skin, there is starlight in these arteries, thick like glue, a shade of purple mixed from glitter paint and day old bruises.

WHAT FLOWS THROUGH YOUR VEINS?
salt water from the sea. yes my body ebbs and flows with the tide, and it stings like salt, like teeth sinking in against an open wound but salt is a natural antiseptic and as much as it hurts in the short term, in the long term this ocean is pure.

WHAT FLOWS THROUGH YOUR VEINS?
it may be easier to ask me what doesn’t. i carry more than the world with each heartbeat, from the earth to the sky to the seas; inside me is legion.  


l.s. | what flows through your veins? © 2017 

the first clip of episode 8 will always be one of my favorites?? they were able to pack so much into a few minutes (a few minutes which, let’s be real, mostly consisted of even being a dork)

  • it helped establish that even wanted to go public with isak, that he had nothing to hide. for isak. his relationship with even has been something that he wanted to keep to himself, something he thought he should be ashamed of. he’s scared of how the rest of the school would react, but ironically, he’s even more worried about what the people closest to him will think - the people i think he knows, deep down, will eventually come around. he’s more worried about the subtle changes in the way they treat him - expecting him to act gay gay with tights and mascara and everything he knows he’s not ready for. in ep5 we don’t see even’s interaction with kollektivet at all, even though he’s presumably met them. but episode 8 shows us an even who’s ready to meet isak’s friends, wants to show off their relationship because he’s so proud of his boy, and that goes such a long way in letting isak feel free to be proud too.
  • isak got to confront even about his insecurities!! ep7 was all about isak learning to be straight up, to let himself feel free to want things. we saw isak smile at all of even’s drawings - i think a part of him would’ve been okay with these small signs of affection. not a relationship, but proof that even likes him. but it’s not enough, and in the last scene of ep7, his friends help him realize that he deserves something more substantial. isak, for a long time, has struggled to really want things - we see him occupy his time with netflix and video games and nothing of real substance. he’s barely allowed himself to admit that he likes boys, and something even more than that seemed like an entirely new realm of possibility when he could barely admit that he’s gay. so actually communicating to even his insecurities, wanting a real relationship with him, was such a huge step for isak and i wanna give him a hug.
  • “only you can feel what you feel” is such an essential theme of this season. isak obviously doesn’t understand the weight of it when he says it in that kitchen - he just wants to reassure even. but that’s one of the things isak has to come to terms with regarding even’s bipolar disorder. mental illness doesn’t make someone a different person, doesn’t invalidate their feelings. i think this line (and minute by minute later on) helps boil down isak’s two biggest takeaways from being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness
  • it’s honestly just so nice to see them being domestic and having fun together. we got so many episodes of angst, and then tentatively getting to know each other. this is still getting to know each other but in a more intimate setting, when they already know what they mean to each other and that they’re willing to commit. skam does a great job of building up even as this unattainable cool dude who walks around like he’s in a movie and lives every moment like it’s being recorded, and then episodes 8-10 break down that image to make him more human. this is actually such a fun and lighthearted start before the angst happens? even is supposed to know rap and cool dude music and then he likes gabrielle!! he’s just like everyone else!! isak has spent so long building up the idea of even in his head that these little moments where even, the real life boy, shine through are so integral to their relationship.
  • isak accidentally saying real cute things and then taking them back when he realizes he’s accidentally let out an emotion is my jam like…let me live. they know how to push each other’s buttons in the best kind of way. it’s one of those scenes where you feel like you’re intruding on a private moment (i think having eskild and noora show up at the beginning was a really great touch because we, as the audience, are standing in their shoes), and the way they interact feels so natural.
  • we also get to see the oncoming signs of mania, with even’s heightened energy, as well as signs that there’s something sonja knows that isak doesn’t. it just gives you so many mixed feelings about this scene because on the one hand it’s so happy!! bright colors!! purity!! but that happiness is mixed with unease. skam was able to build this scene without taking away from the happiness or sacrifice the foreshadowing, and they’re able to tell us so much with limited time.

it is roses on walls and
remembering how to pull yourself out of bed.

coffee,
breakfast –
soft sunlight filtering through curtains
no longer bears the harshness it once did,


it is spring now:
it is spring now and
everything feels
quieter

—  a morning in january (momentary feeling)

they say grief is a well.
deep with creeping water that
seeps first into your socks. it climbs
like ivy, making an abandoned
building out of your bones.

i can see it. the well, i mean,
the grief and the water and the
creeping. i can see it.

but.

i think grief is more like a storm.
clouds that hug the horizon, caress
the sky with fingers that leave bruises
the colour of the skin under your eyes
when you haven’t slept for a week.

lightning bolts that illuminate
the shapes in the dark for just long enough
that you get to see remnants of a normal life,
picnic blankets not abandoned to rain,
beaches covered with sand and not hail,
but the light never lasts.

and thunder. thunder that drowns out
the sound of laughter. thunder that only knows
how to emphasise the gaps of quiet
in between each earth shaking sigh.

they say that grief is a well,
it collects in your chest and fills and spills over
as the walls wage war with the water. i can see it. i can.
but my grief is more like a storm where lightning likes
to strike the same place a thousand times each day.

l.s. | ON GRIEF © 2016

Alec is so dead. We all are.

I have no words. I’m just shook. The cat eyes are wonderful and I can’t wait to see them shine in the show. This whole look is just so fucking good. Every part of it. At first I was sceptical about this goatee but damn, it does things to me now. And photo was unlocked in less than 20 minutes???

The fact, that I’d die for Magnus Bane is one thing, but the fact, that I’d die for Harry Shum Jr. as well is another one. I bet he wasn’t expecting it to be unlocked so fast and it just shows how much we love and appreciate something/someone he pours in his whole heart and soul. Harry is incredible as Magnus. Harry is Magnus. I want to give him every single damn award for his acting. Step Up, Glee, Mom’s Night Out, Crouching Tiger, White Frog, Single by 30… - all of this never gave him as amazing chance to show off as Shadowhunters. I’m close to tears just thinking about it. He should be more appreciated. If there’re people, who somehow judge his acting skills but never saw him as Magnus, I want them to hear me clearly: Harry Shum Jr. is an amazing, taletned actor who truly becomes his character while shooting. There’s no Harry left, when he plays Magnus. Not his voice, not his body language, not even his looks. Just pure Magnus Bane. That’s what good acting means. He deserves all the love; it’s sad that he gets hate too.

But anyways. I love it. I love Magnus. I love Harry. I’m dead and tomorrow I’m gonna see Alec’s poster from afterlife and then come back again on 2nd January.

I started with the wind:
gathered it in my chest,
made a heart of my lips,  
counted the creases,
counted the folds,
cupped my breasts,
held them again
after I discovered
bravery (in my thighs).
I created a vessel,
gave sight
to my mind,
mapped out my
skin, followed
my veins, put a
roof on my knees,
found a way to
crack/kiss my hips,
shuffled my feet,
met the birds in
my ears, separated
lashes, rolled 
my tongue, lifted
every finger, combed 
out my touch, 
felt the warmth
(and the rush)
of the inside,
let a stream
of wind leave
my mouth,  
took myself in
my hands,
and heard
my voice finally
say, “be my body”
—  Alessia Di Cesare, Making a Home of Myself 
Practice Makes Perfect - Kai Parker Smut

“I have a proposal.” I slammed my books down on the table, sliding into a chair in front of Kai. My knees touched his and I smiled, taking off my scarf and grabbing my bag to find my mirror and reapply my lipstick.


“What do you want now, Barbie™?” Kai sighed. He held his coffee cup in his hands, his hair messy, dark circles under his eyes. I loved it. He must’ve been up all night writing the essay he hadn’t finished.


“I was thinking that I could give you oral.” I said. Kai’s eyes widened and he almost spit out his coffee, coughing loudly and causing attention to turn to us. I sighed, rolling my eyes.


“Anyway, I owe you for saving my life and I need to know how to do it since I’m planning on giving Tyler a blow job tonight, which I can’t screw up. That would be embarrassing.” I said, taking out my study materials, twirling the gel pen in my hand.


Kai was shocked obviously, breathing in shakily. “And this is your way of paying me back?” he questioned. I swear, if he rejected me, I’d move to Sri Lanka and raise elephants.


“Before you say anything, I have a list of rules.” I gave him a piece of paper. “If you agree with the terms and conditions, come to my dorm in twenty minutes.” I said, grabbing my stuff, hurrying away.


I meandered the hallways and finally found my dorm, sinking on my bed, I sat up and contemplated going topless just in case Kai wasn’t already aroused at the thought of me sucking him off. I decided that it was inappropriate.


What kind of friend would he be if he rejected my offer? I’m great. I didn’t really talk to any other boys besides Kai, Tyler, and my therapist.


I’d just let him guide me, no exposed skin or anything, anyway. I didn’t want him using this against me someday, which was one of the rules.


Kai opened the door. “Please don’t make this awkward. Sit down.” I ordered him. He chewed on his lip as he sat beside me. “Okay, tell me if I do anything wrong.” I said.


“Sure.” He agreed cooly, taken aback as I kissed him, putting my hand on his thigh.


He brought his hand up to my neck and I grabbed it, pulling away for a second to say “don’t touch me.”


I unbuckled his belt, I finally pulled away from his pink mouth and got on my knees in between his legs. “Can I talk?” He swallowed.


“Not unless you’re telling me something crucial.” I said, helping him drag his pants to his ankles. I almost laughed out loud at his themed superman boxers.


I took his penis out of it’s constraints. “Oh god,” he breathed out as I wrapped my hand around him. “Can I touch you now?” He asked shakily.


“No.” I said softly, exploring my hands over his cock.


“But I - I can guide you.” He bit his lip. His chest was moving up and down slowly. “Fuck.” He groaned as I swiped my thumb over the head.


“Watch your language.” I said. He half opened his eyes, his hands clenched in my newly washed sheets. “Is now a good time for me to use my mouth?” I asked, fluttering my eyes up at him.


“Yes, please.” He nodded, watching my every move nervously.


“Okay, tell me if I do something wrong.” I said softly, leaning up over him. I rubbed my lips together, smoothing my lipstick out.

I finally wrapped my mouth over the tip of his dick and his hips jerked up involuntarily. “Kai!” I pulled away. He was panting.


“You’re taking too damn long!” He said, flustered. He frowned, his jaw all clenched up.


“Okay, can you be patient? It’s my first time and I can easily replace you.” I glared, proceeding with my actions. I stuck my tongue out as I slowly took him into my mouth, the foreign taste of his fluids on my tongue.


“God dammit - shit - fuck.” He groaned, holding his jazz hands in the air as I took him in as far as I could, stopping momentarily.


My eyes began to water as I swallowed, taking him in further until my eyes blurred. I stopped until my nose was touching him. He clenched his stomach and I reached up to pull his shirt up and watch his abs.


I pulled away slowly, a tear rolling down my cheek. I took him into my mouth again, running my hand up to feel his heart beat under his shirt.


I made sure I drew in as I let go, taking a deep breath. “Am I doing good so far?” I asked, my voice a bit deeper, feeling excited myself.


“You’re doing amazing, baby.” He bit his lip. He put his hand in my hair. I would’ve been upset since I took so long doing it this morning. But I let him touch me, tingles flowing down my back.


“Great.” I smiled, kissing the tip of his penis. “You can – how do you say it – fuck my mouth.” I said, blushing.


“Oh my god.” He breathed out. I opened my mouth and took him in again. He bobbed my head up and down slowly, guiding my mouth with his hands in my hair. “Oh, baby.” He said shakily.


“Mhmmmmmm.” I hummed, running my hands up around his back. He thrusted his hips up against me, my eyes getting glossy as he pushed me down onto him.


“Fuck!” Kai yelled in frustration, pushing me down faster, lifting his hips up. “Please don’t stop.” He cried through clenched teeth.


I made sure I siphoned him further into my mouth. “Mmm!” I moaned, feeling his muscles tense as he stopped moving and breathing.


He took his hands away so I could freely pull away. But I didn’t and he warned me “I’m coming!” I looked up at him as he squeezed his eyes closed and threw his head back.


“Ohhh…” He growled, letting go in my mouth as his breathing slowed down. I pulled away, my jaw aching as I stuck my tongue out, licking away the string of semen from my mouth to his dick after swallowing the rest.


I totally didn’t have to do that, I knew, but I loved over achievement. And the fantastic, satistying feeling I got when I saw Kai’s face.


I wiped my chin of saliva and he pulled me up by my arms, kissing me passionately. I kissed him back, letting him put his hand on my neck.


“I hope you’re happy that you’ve ruined my whole life.” He pulled away.


“The feeling is mutual.” I said. “But you can make up for it.” My eyes glimmered.

Sherlock Season 4 Vlog Countdown
50 Days until January 1, 2017, 9:00PM UK Time

And now… for something completely different.

I don’t even know what the hell was going through my mind or why this happened.

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I Will Become What I Deserve

The making of Petunia Dursley, née Evans 

Words: 2348

You know that Lily pities you. That your father worries about you and your mother wishes Vernon was someone else, but you don’t care.

This is your happiness and nobody else’s.

Read on AO3

i.

It’s the kind of day that’s built for nostalgia. You don’t know that yet, of course, because you’re eight and you don’t even know what the word nostalgia means.

Part of you can feel it anyway.

Lily races you down to the sea and wins, but that’s okay; you’re too busy cackling with laughter and kicking up sand to care. You deliver a handful of the gritty, wet stuff right into her face and she gives a delighted scream and pushes you down into the sea. In reality, there have been hundreds upon hundreds of moments of laughter shared between Lily and you, nestled comfortably between the fights and temper tantrums, but one day, looking back, it’ll seem as though they can all be pinpointed to this exact day. Eventually, you’ll forget about how you got into a fight on the way back to the car because she made you drop your ice-cream, and you’ll forget how the day was slightly too cool for sea swimming, how your skin felt sore and chapped for days. You’ll just remember the pale sunlight and the sound of laughter ringing like bells, and it’ll make you sadder than the memory of any fight the two of you ever had.

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