I don’t know if I want to positive or if I want to cry. Today I’ve had very mixed feelings about how I’ve been approaching being chronically ill.
Some things, like me being jealous of normal people don’t change. I’m out of breath just from standing. But today, the weather was warm, and I was overheating in my own room, and I hated the fact that I had to put compression stockings on, when everyone else I know can wear whatever they want, and not have to worry if it’ll look stupid or clash with the compression stockings now that the weather is caught somewhere between warm and freezing.
But, even with those feelings, today I also felt something positive mixed in with the burning rage that comes with having to get out of bed no matter how bad I feel. I thought, I’m strong, I can do this. I’m smart, I’ll work my outfits out. I won’t overheat when the weather gets hot in the summer, because I’ll find a way to stay cool that won’t stop me from having a good summer.
This train of thought, is very much unlike me. I’m not typically a positive thinker when it comes to daily life, especially when it comes to you, P.O.T.S. When you’re involved, that usually means tears running down my face, and me pulling at my hair. It means me wasting precious energy on pacing around my room, talking myself out of things that will hurt me. But, after almost having a breakdown, I realized I’ll be okay this summer.
I kept trying to tell myself that throughout the day, even when I was sad about things that seemed to be going wrong.
When I woke up this morning, I thought today would be awful. I assumed that I would have nothing fun to look back on by the time night rolled around. However, as the day went on, I think I found a way to try find the silver lining.
I don’t know how I did it. I just hope I can repeat it.