i just wanna jump on you

SEVEN PSYCHOPATHS SENTENCE STARTERS.

  • ❝ What the hell happened? ❞
  • ❝ I set the car on fire. ❞
  • ❝ You’re gorgeous. ❞
  • ❝ It’s their blood. ❞
  • ❝ Where are your guns? ❞
  • ❝ You’re better than me. ❞
  • ❝ Put your hands up! ❞
  • ❝ You’re fucked from birth. ❞
  • ❝ Are you pissed at me, baby? ❞
  • ❝ Why would I be pissed at you? ❞
  • ❝ Of course we’re friends.❞ 
  • ❝ Come with me. Please. ❞
  • ❝ I wanna jump inside your pants. ❞
  • ❝ Are you looking at something? ❞ 
  • ❝ Why did you kill all of those people? ❞
  • ❝ What’s with your sour fucking puss? ❞
  • ❝ Are we gonna have a peyote party? ❞
  • ❝ Friends don’t make their friends die. ❞
  • ❝ Are you nervous because we’re killing a chick? ❞
  • ❝ I’m going to be over to kill you on Tuesday. ❞
  • ❝ Maybe the world just doesn’t understand you. ❞
  • ❝ Poodles always look like they’ve been crying. ❞
  • ❝ We all gotta dream, don’t we? ❞
  • ❝ Have some pride in yourself. ❞
  • ❝ Fuck the cops! Fuck them! ❞ 
  • ❝ You ever shoot a guy in his eyeball? ❞
  • ❝ Sorry if I haven’t been a very good friend to you. ❞
  • ❝ Don’t ever say I never do anything for you. ❞
  • ❝ Seriously, just fuck off! I’m not in the fucking mood! ❞
  • ❝ I stabbed a guy in the ear once. Ice pick, right in his fucking ear. ❞
  • ❝ You think I’m not serious just because I carry a rabbit? ❞
  • ❝ Are you out of your alcoholic fucking mind? ❞
  • ❝ You’ve eaten too many hallucinogenic cactuses tonight, [ name. ]❞
  • ❝ I don’t have a drinking problem. I just like drinking. ❞ 
  • ❝ Sorry for hitting you in the face so hard. ❞
  • ❝ Sometimes I think God’s gone crazy. ❞
  • ❝ No shoot-outs, no pay-outs. Just human beings talking. ❞
  • ❝ You might want to stop drinking if this is how you’re gonna behave. ❞
  • ❝ It’s impossible for someone’s head to actually explode, isn’t it?  ❞
  • ❝ When are you gonna get a job that’s not just stealing from people? ❞
  • ❝ This guy just telephoned a psycho-killer to come psycho-kill us! ❞
  • ❝ God loves us. I know it. He’s just got a funny way of showing it sometimes. ❞
  • ❝ I didn’t mean to break his nose. His nose was just in the middle of where I was punching. ❞
Cat Got Your Tongue Pt. 1 (M)

Word Count: 5,463

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Genre: catboy!tae, comedy, fluff, eventual smut

Summary: When your boyfriend cheats on you you’re left heartbroken and lost all hope in relationships. Santa says you’ll find love soon, but what do you do when you’re beloved cat turns into a beautiful grown man?

Keep reading

psychic: *reads my mind*

my mind: I’M SEXY, I’M CUTE, I’M POPULAR TO BOOT. I’M BITCHIN’, GREAT HAIR, THE BOYS ALL LOVE TO STARE. I’M WANTED, I’M HOT, I’M EVERYTHING YOU’RE NOT. I’M PRETTY, I’M COOL, I DOMINATE THE SCHOOL. WHO AM I? JUST GUESS! GUYS WANNA TOUCH MY CHEST! I’M ROCKIN’, I SMILE, AND MANY THINK I’M VILE. I’M FLYIN’, I JUMP YOU CAN LOOK BUT DON’T YOU HUMP! I’M MAJOR, I ROAR, I SWEAR I’M NOT A WHORE! WE CHEER AND WE LEAD, WE ACT LIKE WE’RE ON SPEED. HATE US ‘CAUSE WE’RE BEAUTIFUL BUT WE DON’T LIKE YOU EITHER WE’RE CHEERLEADERS, YEAH, YEAH CHEERLEADERS - ROLL CALL-

psychic: what the fuck

Haikyuu Soulmate AU
  • Soulmate AU where the first things your soulmate says to you are tattooed on the inside of your wrist.
  • IwaOi:
  • Iwaizumi's wrist: "Hey are you a UFO? Because your appeal is out of this world."
  • Oikawa's wrist: "Do you have any idea how lame it was to walk around with THAT tattooed on my wrist? I mean I'll forgive you but oh my god."
  • KageHina:
  • KaGAYama's wrist: WILL YOU PLEASE TOSS TO ME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
  • Hinata's wrist: You... How much milk did you DRINK to be able to jump like that...?
  • AsaNoya:
  • Noya's wrist: "Pleased to meet you."
  • Asahi's wrist: WHY DOES EVERY POLITE PERSON ON THE PLANET SAY THE SAME WORDS THAT ARE INKED ON MY WRIST WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME SO MUCH FATE WHYYYYYY I JUST WANNA KNOW WHO THEY ARE
  • KuroTsuki:
  • Tsukishima's wrist: D-I-N-O-S-A U-R A DINOSAUR AN O-L-D M-A-N YOU'RE JUST AN OLD MAN HITTIN ON ME WHAT YOU NEED A CAT SCAN Meowwwww... Okay Bo what the ever-loving fuck this is the stupidest dare ever.
  • Kuroo's wrist: Tch. So the mark wasn't a prank...
  • LevYaku:
  • Lev's wrist: Are you a first-year? You look lost. I'm ________. Do you know where your club is meeting? No you're lost, umm... do you need to ask Coach where you need to be? Volleyball practice is mostly tryouts so he should be okay to help you out.
  • Yaku's wrist: I'm ________, nice to meet you. I didn't have time to join a club when everyone else did, my flight back from Russia was delayed so I missed it... Is volleyball fun, Yaku-san? I think I'll try it... unless being taller is a disadvantage, because I don't think I'm done growing yet...
  • BokuAka:
  • Bokuto's wrist: First year setter--
  • Akaashi's wrist: OH MY GOD YOU'RE A SETTER THANK GOD PLEASE BE MY SETTER AND PUT UP WITH ME I WILL GIVE YOU OWL PLUSHIES AND HUGS AND HECK PROBABLY ANYTHING YOU ASK PLEASE TOSS TO ME
Do Ya Thing
Gorillaz
Do Ya Thing

“Wouldn’t it be nice if we were just normal people, yeah? Tryin’ so hard to act like we don’t care. But it’s true, you do, nothing is left, so I guess I’m right. New word, onomatopoeia, boom!  Quit actin’ like you don’t wanna be here. Fuck around and get jumped like leap year.”

I DON’T KNOW MAN I’M JUST REAL INTO TARON EGERTON LIKE LOOK AT THIS HOE

THIS IS RIDICULOUS

I MEAN IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT FREAKING SHAPE HE IS IN

I DO NOT GIVE A CRAP

HE COULD BE IN A FREAKIN SUIT

OR SOME WHATEVER SWEATER

AND MY LOVE DOES NOT DIE IT IS UNHEALTHY AND CREEPY AND STRANGE LIKE

HIS FREAKING SMILE

AND HIS FREAKING FROWN

HIS LAUGH OMG

I WANNA JUMP OFF A BRIDGE

LIKE AND HE’S SO FUNNY AND FUN AND CUTE

BUT HE’S ALSO REALLY HOT

LIKE WHO ARE OYU WHERE DID YOU COME FROM

WHEN HE HAS LONG HAIR

OR WHEN IT’S SUPER SHORT?????

LIKE WHY DO I LOVE YOU LIKE THIS WHY AM I LIKE THIS I AM A GROWN GIRL

IN KINGSMAN

EVEN IN FREAKING EDDIE THE EAGLE

I JUST LOVE HIM AND HIS FACE AND HIS ACCENT AND HIS PERSONALITY LIKE I JUST WANNA DATE HIM NOT EVEN MAKE OUT OR SEX IT UP I LITERALLY JUST WANT TO GO TO DINNER AND A MOVIE WITH THIS HOE

AND HE CAN SING SOMEONE SEND HELP SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY I LOVE HIM I HOPE HE NEVER SEES THIS TRASH

HOW TO TREAT UR BITCH RIGHT: A Guide by Tamlin of the Spring Court

Hey everyone, it’s Tam. Me and my girl Feyre got the best love story of all time! I just got her back at my court, so imma tell you how to treat your bitch right like I’ve treated mine! (:

  1. If ur bitch about to die for you, don’t do nothing brave, just sit there idly and watch shit go down. lol you could get hurt brother! 
  2. Let’s say you manage to escape ur captor for like one night. What you gonna do? YOU GONNA GET THE BOOTY. that’s right my guy!! i mean it’s not like u and ur girl aint already done the do, but like if u wanna leave a good impression before she risk her life for u… give her Tamlin Jr lol
  3. when ur bitch bout to get her neck snapped, don’t do nothing brave, just sit there idly and watch another man jump in and try to save her. bc yo… u gonn be so tired after watching everything for days ://// like u already tried to give her one last night of magic sooo oh well
  4. If ur bitch gets up in tha middle of the night and vomits and has nightmares and shit, don’t wake up and help her, she’s independent, she can take care of herself
  5. ur bitch cannot take care of herself. lock ur doors. leave her with some toys and servants. she’ll be ok
  6. if ur bitch loses a bunch of weight all of a sudden, compliment her diet!! she look hella good
  7. ***IMPORTANT!*** if another man who wears the same fukin emo outfit every day made a bargain to take ur bitch on a bad vacation every month and she come back lookin healthier, its a trick.. he tryna fuk!!
  8. even tho ur bitch may have won a bunch of crazy ass trials and saved ur ass, she cannot defend herself 
  9. if your bitch tell u she ran away out of free will, its a trick
  10. if an evil king offers help get ur bitch back, take it bc he’s super trustworthy (worked for me lol)

Thats all for now! I’ll be back with book 2 soon!!

Don’t Wanna Lose You

This lovely number was requested by a very wonderful anon. I really, really hope you enjoy this!!!

@noamrollins @meaganottiz02 @damnbuvky

Pairing: Roman Reigns x Reader

****SMUT WARNING****

Originally posted by thearchitectwwe

You sat in the bed of your hotel room, reading a book. Roman was in the shower and you decided that you were gonna wait it out. The way his match went tonight, you had planned to jump him because…just…damn. Then again, it’s not like you need a reason to jump his bones.

You heard the water turn off and the shower curtain open. You felt yourself getting giddy. It had been a little bit since you’ve had him all to yourself and you missed him. But you tried to play it cool, deciding to continue reading as he walked out of the bathroom. You looked up to see that he was dressed to go out.

“Where are you going?” You asked curiously as Roman sat on the edge of the bed, putting on his shoes.

“I was gonna go out with some of the guys for a drink.” Roman asked, never bothering to throw a glance your way.

Keep reading

Imagine your daughter giving Dean his birthday present

Daddy!Sam verse

You woke up with your daughter pushing open your bedroom door, fully awake just in time for her to jump onto the bed.

“Katie,” you laughed, and she grinned, crawling over you to Sam to wake him up.

“It’s Unca Dean’s birfday!” she giggled excitedly. “I wanna give ‘im his presen!”

“Sweetie, it’s 6am,” Sam groaned, sitting up and pulling her onto his lap. “Uncle Dean doesn’t want to wake up this early on his birthday.”

Your daughter was chewing on the inside of her cheek, and you narrowed your eyes at her.

“Have you already woken him up, Katie Cat?” you asked, raising an eyebrow.

“…Maybe?” she tried, smiling sweetly.

You shared a look with Sam before sighing and getting out of bed.

You reached into your nightstand to retrieve Dean’s gift.

“Come on then, little one,” you sighed, pulling your daughter up onto your hip and handing her the gift to hold.

Keep reading

3

ok yeah but what if Yuri’s not used to having long hair so he keeps flubbing his jumps because it keeps distracting him, and Yurio gets so annoyed that he just starts doing his hair for him

And Victor is more than here for this

charlotte york

my husband can’t get it up

i’m so frustrated

i mean don’t you ever wanna be really pounded hard you know? like when the bed is moving all around and it’s all sweaty and your head is knocking up against the headboard and you feel like it might just BLOW OFF?

dammit i just really wanna be FUCKED you know?

just REALLY FUCKED!

tiffany pollard

these little boys play with you…and don’t deliver

obviously 

i gave all the signs

all the hints 

i have to keep my…Woman-ness

it’s a little boy that ain’t a man cuz a man woulda jumped all over this

and had it

left right sideways and from 

BEHIND

songs I've been listening to a lot lately old and new

good songs I’ve been listening to :
get away - yuck
thinking about you - the big scary
chamber of reflection - Mac demarco
dissolve me - alt j
cobwebs- animal collective
street flash - animal collective
the purple bottle - animal collective
raspberry cane - youth lagoon
mute - youth lagoon
everything is happening so fast - mgmt
tiny dancer ( never gets old ) - Elton John
band on the run - Paul McCartney and wings
advanced falconry - mutual benefit
I just wanna die - FIDLAR
unfucktheworld- angel Olsen
post production - over the Atlantic
walkabout - atlas sound
oh Louie - Shannon and the clams
beetles - warpaint
liar - built to spill
Crimson and clover - tommy James and the shondells
I think it’s beautiful that you are 256 colors too - black moth super rainbow
skeleton key - Margot and the nuclear so sos
float forever - peace
jump into the fog - the wombats
what’s a girl to do - bat for lashes
last night at the jetty - panda bear
how can you really - foxygen
anemone - their satanic majesties second request
heartbreaker - girls
all die young - smith westerns
horse race - colormusic
the city in the sea - crystal stilts
Nancy from now on - father john misty
nightmare of you - I want to be buried in your backyard
tell me ( what’s on your mind ) - Allah-las
Bisou magique- melodys echo chamber
the sun was high - best coast
the hours - beach house
other people - beach house
sad girl - lana del rey
you and me - disclosure
she’s a rainbow - the Rolling Stones
im gonna crawl - led zep
punching in a dream - the naked and famous
Simeon’s dilemma - why
election - don dilego
never known love - thieves like us
bad kids- black lips
Billie holiday - warpaint
snow days - real estate
stop crying your eyes out - oasis
Caesar - Ty segall
one million lovers - the growlers
golden age - beach fossils
sleeping lessons - the shins
curse of curves - cute is what we aim for
ice hotels - dinosaur bones
daughters and empty space - the story so far
song for zula - phosphorescent
and many many many more

Series: Apocalyptic

Title: Porn Star

WARNING: SMUT!


I sighed, snapping the book closed seeing as it wasn’t keeping me entertained.

Sometimes it was a bore being cooped up in the main house. That was just part of being one of Negan’s wives.

Standing, I went to the bookshelf to find a diffrent novel.

“What the shit Y/N!?” Negan’s voice boomed as he slammed the door open.

I jumped, spinning around with a hand over my heart, “Jesus, Negan!”

He stalked into the room, flinging the door shut, “You wanna tell me what the fuck this shit is!?”

“What fucking shit is what!?” I snapped back.

“This!” Negan held up a dvd.

Squinting, my eyes widened when I saw the nude photo of myself wearing just a swashbucklers hat on the cover.

Plundered Treasure staring Ruby Galore!

I folded my arms over my chest, “And?”

“An- and!? Are you fucking kidding me!? Fat Joey was jerkin’ his shit to this, Y/N!” Negan sputtered.

“Do you want me to say that I feel ashamed!?”

“Wha- no goddamnit!” Negan threw the dvd onto the couch and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Then what is it!?” I flailed my arms into the air, letting them smack against my thighs.

“They’ve seen what’s mine damnit; that’s what!” He yelled.

I sighed, going up to Negan and framing his stubbled cheeks in my hands, “You took what is hopefully the last existing dvd away, so don’t sweat it, baby.”

Negan pouted, “He fuckin’ looks at you and I’ll kill him,”

I smiled, “I know you will Negan,”

Moving away from him, I grabbed the dvd and went to throw it in the fire place.

“Woah, woah, woah! Hang on a goddamn minute!” He said, taking it from me to read the case.

I laughed, knowing that he was curious.

“So, uh… any girl on girl?”

His bulge was becoming more prominent as he waited for my answer.

“Yes,” I smiled.

“Shit,”

I put an arm on his shoulder, letting my other hand slide down his chest to the front of his trousers where I cupped him.

“Do you wanna watch it?” I wiggled my eyebrows.

“Holy hell…. you don’t care?” He panted.

I kissed his neck, “Nope. Told you I’m not ashamed.”

I’d never seen Negan move so fast before. He popped the dvd in the player, then sprawled out on the couch.

I sat next to him, letting him play with my hair as he watched.

When the scene started of me kissing another female, Negan grunted, shifting his hips.

Deciding to help relax him, I leaned over and undid his britches. His breathing became heavy as his eyes moved back and forth from the screen, then to me.

I pulled his swollen member from his pants, pumping it a few times as I got to my knees next to him on the couch.

He groaned as I swirled my tounge around the seeping head of his shaft, “Goddamn, baby,”

I hummed as I slowly took him deeper into my wet mouth.

The mewling moans of myself and the chick I was eating out on the dvd were getting louder.

Negan slid a hand under me, slipping it into my panties and immediately dipping his long, skilled fingers into me as I sucked him off.

I had to admit that this was hot as hell and could already feel myself near the edge.

He lifted his hips just a tad, the head of him just barely tapping the back of throat.

“Ohhh shit,” he groaned.

Using his middle finger, he spread the juices from my entrance to my clit, where he gently circled it.

Just as quick, he pumped two fingers into me.

I lifted my head from him, using my hand to pump him as Iicked the head of him lick a lollipop.

I rolled my hips on his fingers, nearly coming when he pressed the heel of his hand against my sensitive clit.

Licking my lips, I took him back into my mouth, swallowing him, then slowly raising my head.

“Fuck, baby. Keep suckin’,” Negan moaned, slouching more.

Grabbing the base of him, I slowly pulled my mouth up to just the tip, where I gave a firm suck.

“Uhhh!” He was so close.

Standing, I pulled off my panties and got down on all fours facing the tv.

Negan’s pants hit the floor, the belts clinking.

I felt him kneel behind me, where he pumped his shaft a few times, then sank deep into me.

Negan pulled my torso up, putting an arm around my chest to keep me upright.

The dvd showed a male costar screwing me from behind as I made out and fingered my female costar.

Negan’s mouth was at my ear, panting as he moved in and out of me, “Who fucks you better, baby?”

I held his head to me, as we both watched the tv.

“Mmmm, you do Negan,” I moaned.

Negan’s hand found my mound, rubbing my clit in tight circles.

His breathing became heavier and hotter against my neck while he focused on snapping his hips against me.

“Come, baby,”

I cried out, falling to my hands. Negan gripped my hips, pounding into me until he thrusted deeply one last time, coming deep inside of me.

“Jesus… fuck…!” He panted, resting his head on my back.

My arms shook as I tried to hold myself up.

Negan pulled out, falling to the floor where he pulled me down next to him.

“We’re keeping the dvd,” he gasped.

I giggled, kissing his chest.

Tagging:

@thedeadmost@krissy25@fancybubble@superprincesspea@cherieann-2001@darshaya@ladylorelitany@ali-pennell@wadeyourebarelyalive@fangirlindenial@negans-dirty-girl@smuttwd@justacaliforniandreamer@piilow-talk@pan-and-proud-writes@memphisgirl1977 @5sos1dsex @deviousginga@strangersangel9@mogaruke@crzcorgi@siobhan-elizabeth@thecynicalnerd@cookiemunster10@laureng-99@danleto97@miss-nori85@rhysiecupcakes@texasgal2222@magikat409@jmackie1983 @sweatersandcaffeine @andillica@brandivstheworld@persephinii666@jasoncrouse@rushernparadise@ferpyferp @catleesi-xo @lynnliciousadnan@astrangegirlsmind@kitcat44
Dan and phil play timore INFERNO

*jump scare*
Dan and phil scream
Dan: fuck my ass!!
Dan: i wanna axe you right now you little bitch
Dan: i litterally just laid an egg
Dan: i birthed a child out of an egg
Dan: i just asexually produced
Phil laughs
Dan: i was so jumpscared life found a way and it came out of my ass.

where my home is
  • Lauren: *calling camila*
  • Lauren: *still calling camila*
  • Camila: wwhoo the fuck is calling at 3 am in the morning?! *see the caller*
  • Camila: oh hi babe, do you know what time is it here?!
  • Lauren: hmm sorry baby i just wanna tell you something
  • Camila: what?
  • Lauren: Open your door *smiles widely*
  • Camila: *squeals happily and run towards the door* *opens door but there's no one*
  • Camila: wtf Lauren! don't play with me
  • Lauren: holy shit i'm in the wrong floor!!! i'm coming baby hold on
  • Camila: *laughing so hard*
  • (elevators door opens and Camila runs towards it seeing Lauren coming out from it)
  • Camila: *jumps to koala hug her*
  • Lauren: Hi
  • Camila: I missed you
Poker Face

Originally posted by goimagineanything

1,000 Followers Drabble

Prompt: “I think the world is ending…I may have to crash here tonight.“

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Requested by: @babypieandwhiskey


“Hey sweetheart.” Dean says answering your call.

“Guess what we’re doing tonight?”

“Uh…I was gonna play poker with the guys.”

“Not anymore.” You chuckle.

“Oh jeez…do I wanna know?”

Keep reading

  • Moe (while talking to all the newbies): "OKAY so when we line up,let's all dab together!"
  • Broon: "No, I will not dab because I'm a grown woman and neither will any of you."
  • Carli: "Moe, what is that? Are you sneezing?"
  • Tobin (whispering): "We're still doing it right?"
  • Allie (whispering): "Of course."
  • Ash: "Becky, I'm also a grown woman and I say we do it."
  • Broon: "Debatable and the answer is still no."
  • KO: "What about me? I'm an adult. I wanna do it."
  • Broon: "Kelley you're an actual squirrel, and please stop annoying me."
  • Newbies: "So... is it always like this?"
  • Dawn: "Just smile and nod. They'll work it out or jump on each other to try to establish dominance."