Growing up with an emotionally abusive mother still affects me as an adult. In an abusive home you normalize cowardice as a child within yourself and you never really learn how to speak for yourself. Just requesting things or stating my point of view casually rarely ever happened for me growing up. I was always afraid something I said would trigger my mom and make her upset. Now at 23 I still struggle with being open and saying what I need. It affects my relationships and friendships because when something I don’t like is happening, I can never just call it out there and then. I stay in it and let it pent up inside me and then just viciously explode one day to the shock of the person I’m dating or my friend. I’ve lost many people from my life because of this and it just hurts. I always say I’ll try to do better and I do try, but it’s like this is who I am and it’s gonna take lots of training to change and be better.
I had a dream last night with Rooney and Santi in it! They were both about nine- or ten-year-olds and were attending this summer camp together. I don't really remember a lot of it, but I do remember at some point both of them having a contest to see who could do the most inappropriate thing behind the counselors back without getting caught. And of course their idea of "inappropriate" was just sticking out their tongues and making fart noises. It was probably the cutest dream I've ever had, ngl.