i just really like close ups of your face

what if even gets an instagram account though? 

  • every single one of his posts are literally just really bad and blurry pictures of isak sleeping or isak eating or isak in the middle of doing something 
  • and all are extremely unflattering but his captions are always something like “isn’t he beautiful” or “the prettiest boy i’ve ever seen”
  • there are also a couple videos of isak doing something really stupid and even laughing in the background 
    • like attempting to jump a bush and just. falling flat on his face
    • or spending 38492 years debating between which snap back to buy
    • or tripping on absolutely nothing
    • or eating something and spitting it out all over his shirt
    • even still captions them with the sappiest things. except one that is just a super blurry close up of isak’s face with: “rarest cryptid spotted at your local kebab place”
  • isak & e-box’s first mixtape debuts as a thirty second video on even’s instagram account
    • isak’s rapping? so terrible it’s almost good, just like the cardamom toast. even’s beat boxing? actually decent 
    • they call it “so terrible it’s almost good” after the cardamom toast. isak argues about it though because he is still in denial about his rapping skills
    • denial is the first step in the grieving process, isak. and i am sorry to say you’re rapping skills were never alive in the first place 
  • occasionally though, even will show the true side of his photo taking skills 
  • i mean, this boy is in artist. he probably knows angles and colors without even really trying 
  • so sometimes he will post a beautiful picture of isak, with perfect lighting and a perfect angle. isak isn’t looking at the camera, doesn’t even know it was being taken, and it just looks so real 
  • all he captions it with is ❤️
  • sometimes he’ll post a couple doodles, too, or short guitar covers, or just. a video of him zooming in on isak’s face for no reason at all 
  • when will even get an instagram account 
You Like A Snake //Draco Imagine//

Originally posted by your-harry-potter-imagines

Requested by: fairiesandfeathersandtom

Request: Hmmm, I’d want him to be really mean towards me. But it was just a front so i wouldn’t notice that he fancies me a lot. Then one day we got locked up in a doom or something. I would like something to happen in that room tho HAHAHA
Something naughty 😂😂😂 but not too explicit since u dont write smuts hahaha
Then he suddenly confessed and I’ve been feeling the same way towards him.

Pairing: Draco x reader

Warnings: no smut but stuff close to smut and swears

A/n: this was really fun to write.. Hope you enjoy!!

“You should have seen how he stuffed his face this morning Y/n,” Hermione giggled as she accompanied you to your Charms class with Professor Flitwick. “It was as if he hadn’t even seen food in weeks. Poor Ron, this huge Potions test is really hitting him hard.”

You giggled softly. “This is what he gets for not paying attention and trying to copy off of us.” You both turned the corner and your jaw clenched slightly as your eyes met the gray-blue ones of your long time enemy.

“Oh this should be good.” Hermione mumbled as she pushed closer to you and you both quickened your pace, looking down at the ground and hoping to avoid the trouble that was almost guaranteed.

Keep reading


Originally posted by canadianshawn

Pairing: Shawn x Reader

Request: Can I request a Shawn dirty imagine where you are both a celebrity couple in public (everyone loves your relationship) like at Disney land or something (with fans around) and Shawn gets really touchy with pda and kisses y/n alot. You tell him to calm down but the fans find it cute etc. 

Note: Hope ya’ll enjoy cause idk what to say tbh XD

“Ok what the hell is up with you Mendes?” You said getting out of your hotel room bed.

“What? Am I not allowed to cuddle my girlfriend?” he whined following you to the bathroom

“Yes you are allowed to cuddle me, just not now we have a long day ahead.” you said closing the door in his face and getting ready to start your day.

Shawn decided it would be fun to take you to Disney this weekend and you couldn’t say no, you’ve both been busy with your careers and barely saw each other.

“Y/N, can you please get out of the bathroom?” you heard him

“I’m almost done.” you said applying the finishing touches to your make up.

You opened the bathroom door to see Shawn walking towards you and hugged you.

“Okay, what did you do?” You laughed

Keep reading

SNSD: Kinks

noooOOooo stop being so cute -ω- !! the only amazing one here is you!! I know it’s taken me a century & a half to reply which I’m very sorry about! unfortunately, I don’t think I’ll ever get better at replying on time  ̄_ ̄; but hopefully you’re not too annoyed at me!

I hope you like this & stay amazing! (●♡∀♡)


  • toys
  • anal
  • phone sex
  • risk kink
  • threesomes taeny???
  • recording you two having sex
  • complete with cute close ups & her mumbling; “ah, is this thing on? is it working? I hope your beauty picks up properly on camera”
  • which is what the locked folder on her laptop contains
  • only fany knows why it’s really locked
  • the others think it’s just files about her next solo comeback
  • if only they knew


  • very dominant
  • possessive even
  • leaving marks is her specialty
  • being called “queen” is a requirement
  • positions where she can see your face, to watch it scrunch up in pleasure
  • being complimented. even though she’ll act annoyed or embarrassed, she really takes your words to heart & something about your care for her makes her want to fuck you against the wall?? does that make sense??
  • teasing you under the table at dinner parties, hand riding higher and higher up your thigh
  • but if you dare do the same, you best believe queen sica will punish you so hard, making you regret it & never do it again


  • role playing
  • dressing up
  • giving oral
  • you sitting on her face
  • positions with you on top are her fav; seeing your facial expressions and body on top of hers just turn her on so freaking much, it’s ridiculous


  • vers
  • shower sex
  • pillow talk
  • lowkey mommy kink
  • “do you want mommy to eat you out, baby?” she asks, voice thick with lust
  • morning sex


  • dominant
  • tying you up
  • over stimulation (on your behalf)
  • hair pulling
  • light spanking
  • mirror sex so she can stare at that booty but also see your cum face


  • teasing e.g stripteases that last way too long for your sanity
  • orgasm denial (on your behalf)
  • hearing you beg
  • loves when you surprise her & take control, tying her up & controlling what happens to her
  • pretends like she hates that though
  • and dominates the next time you two do it
  • likes to maintain the dominant role
  • but secretly she’s so sub bc she loves you & you make her weak
  • sex games i.e bets where the loser strips for the winner/last one to finish cleaning has to eat the other out/etc


  • dirty talk (the kind that makes you feel small, humiliated & filthy)
  • body worship
  • spanking (both ways)
  • praising her (on anything; looks, her smile, her ootd, just anything)
  • kind of public places i.e bathroom of some house party/storage room in sm/etc
  • giving you oral while you’re on the phone to a friend
  • then being a lil shit by asking “hey, did you think that (y/n) sounded weird on the phone the other day? I wonder if she’s coming down with a cold?” to that friend while you turn cherry red & glare at her


  • dressing up
  • role play
  • mutual masturbation
  • submissive
  • pillow talk
  • compliments


  • might not admit this readily but: getting babied/pampered/little girl scenarios, made her weak
  • body worship
  • passionate dry humping
  • complete with heated kisses
  • hearing “I love you”
  • “you’re so beautiful”
  • “you performed well today. you really showed how hard you’ve been practicing”
  • just sweet, romantic words in general will get her so hot & bothered tbh

Originally posted by sn-sd

Unexpectedly... Oliver Queen/Reader

Imagine Oliver comforting you after losing your husband and you give him some more news…

Originally posted by feilcityqueen

“Y/N whatever you need… whenever you need it…” Oliver handed you a cup of coffee as he sat down on your couch, “I will be there. I will come running for you.”

You swallowed holding the cup letting your frigid fingers soak up the heat from the mug, “Do you really mean that?”

He sighed knowing that losing someone you loved wasn’t easy. It was hard letting anyone get close to you again because you felt like they might get ripped away. He put his mug down and turned looking at you, “Yes, we’ve been friends since diapers…we were there for each other for everything. When I got back from…well…you know…you held me up, now it’s my turn.”

You stared at him for a long time before tears just fell down your face, “Oli, I don’t know what to do…”

He frowned reaching for your hands, “You don’t have to…you just lost your husband.”

You pulled your hands away standing up, “It’s not that…well it is..I just…I can’t do this…I can’t…”

“Y/N…” He stood up watching you carefully.

You looked at him crossing your arms over your stomach, “I’m pregnant…”

His mouth fell open slightly as you went on, “Roger didn’t… know…I was going to tell him that night…but…then the..and I got that call… Oli, I can’t do this without him… I can’t do this alone.”

He stepped up to you wrapping his arms around you tightly protecting you from the world just for the moment, “You won’t have to…I won’t let you.”

He held you there for a long time letting you cry into his chest. His heart ached for you as small painful sobs escaped your shaking frame. Finally, with ease, he scooped you up carrying you to your room tucking you into bed.

You looked up at him taking his hand in yours, “Will you stay?”

He smiled a little, nodding as he sat on the edge of the bed. He took off his shoes before swinging his legs up. You were instantly curled up next to him. He sighed kissing the top of your head.

There were no words that could help you right now. Only his actions mattered.

Once you were asleep he slipped his phone out finding Diggle, quickly texting him, “Can we talk? I have some questions…”

Being the second sister to start high school is like...

First Assistant: Oh, I had your sister!! She liked to do that this way.

Second Assistant: Funny… your sister prefers it when I do things like this.

Another Assistant: Weird… when I had your sister…. we didn’t do that!

All the Assistants: Oh… but… yOuR…. SISTER ….


[Illustrated GIF of a close up of a girl in a wheelchair. She has a low side braid, and uniform shirt on. She has one hand up to her face, while she rolls her eyes in frustration.]

It was never really that annoying (I just wanted to grasp the essence of my melodramatic teenage years), but man oh man being compared to Lianna happened ALL the time.

Kiss Me (Joker/Reader Imagine) •6•

Request: Can you do an imagine where the Joker is just really needy one night and just wants to hold you and kiss you?

Request: Hey, could you write an imagine where the reader is normal but is dating the joker? 

A/N: Aweeeeeeee and I kinda combined these both just because I think it’s convenient and you can sort of think of yourself as crazy or not, it isn’t really specific in this story :) 

It wasn’t everyday that the Joker would show you affection. Sometimes he’d come home, slap your ass, and go to sleep. No words, no kisses. It had been like that for the past three weeks, but you always put a smile on your face every night regardless. It was around 11 at night when you finally heard the door open and close, signalling that J was home from his long day. 

You got up slowly and walked towards the green haired man. “How was your day?” You were hesitant, not really speaking with him in days. He turned around and looked at you with those eyes. They were wide and clear, scanning you up and down. Stepping closer he wrapped his arms around your body and tucked his head into the crook of your neck kissing softly. You were surrounded by his smell, the cologne he wore smelled of musk and extravagant amber. Smiling you wrapped your arms around his toned torso, “It was bad baby, but now I’ve got you.” You smiled and pulled away to look at his face, he brought his hand up and caressed your cheek before gently kissing you with his red stained lips. 

Quickly he put his hands under your thighs and pulled you up so that you could wrap yourself around him. He carried you down the hall into your room sitting down on the bed, you now in his lap. His kisses weren’t lust filled or rough, they were slow and passionate. You pulled away slightly resting your forehead against his. 

“Are you ok J?” He kept his eyes closed and sighed, “I need you in my life Y/N, and these past few weeks so many idiots have gotten in the way of that. I can’t function without you baby.” He opened his eyes and looked into yours. You nodded your head slightly, “Anything for you.” He laid slowly on his back, moving so that you were both fully on the bed. Placing an arm around your waist he flipped you over facing him and stayed there holding you, kissing you. “I love you J.” He smiled bearing his silver teeth, “Shut up and kiss me.” 

anonymous asked:

was there ever a point in the 8 seasons of vampire diaries you felt even a light pang of sympathy for damon, just curious lol.

Um in 2x01 when both Katherine and Elena say it was always Stefan when I first watched it, like when the episode aired I didn’t feel bad for Damon but I remember going yeah that must suck but then he killed Jeremy and I was like you see this is why it’s always Stefan fuck you Damon and in season 6 when Elena shuts the door in Damon’s face Ian did this sort of attempted smile when she says I’m really sorry and it was very subtle but it was the one thing that showed me how let down he was and I was like yeah dude that’s rough. But then I was petty like lol remember when you thought she’d remember everything by seeing your face? Ok and remember when thinking about Stefan broke compulsion for her? Just give up. That’s as close as I’ve gotten to feeling sorry for Damon.

Sam x Reader when you've had a horrible day

because guess who just happened to have one lol

This is my first published imagine like this so please be gentle with me!! English is not my first language so sorry for all the mistakes you can find~

Words: 698

Trigger warning: None

You opened the door and sighed loudly closing the door behind you. You felt like everything had falled apart at work today. Sam lifted his head from the couch where he was sitting looking his favorite tv-show. As soon as he sees your face he knows something is wrong. You see him standing up and start walking towards you. He embraces you and you put your arms around his waist burying your face in his chest. 

Keep reading

does anyone else have like. weird. personal relationships with their ocs like

some ocs u never draw bc its like they’re hiding somewhere and you cant think of anything to do with them and they dont really make themselves available to you like you dont quite know them yet 

and some ocs are all up in your face like “what should i draw” “me” “i already drew you like six times this week” “too bad. me again” “fine B( “ 

and some ocs used to be like that but somehow its like you’ve lost contact with them over time and its like a friendship that died out and you want to be close again but you just

Jake’s evolution of love toward Liv

- I like you.

- Maybe I can help you start fresh.

- Maybe I can help you not to be sad.

- Maybe I’m your do-over.

- Close.Your.Eyes

- I could cheer you up.

- It’s a date.

- I like a challenge. Wow, you really suck at dating.

- You’re special.

- I trust you.

- You know why are you mad at me? Because you like me.

- What is it? Back to work? What’s your excuse this time Olivia Pope?

- You’re not alone in this. I’m not going anywhere.

- You’re amazing.

- Because there’s something between us.

- I’m here if you need something. You can call on me.

- I know you.

- …and I just keep picturing your face.Your face saved me. I’m here because you saved me.

- I miss you.

- Just let me in.

- I wish you’d just stood in the sun with me.

- I asked you to save me, and you said no.

- I loved you. Whatever happens next, I want to make sure you know that I loved you. I love you.

- Run away with me Liv. Save me.

- We could run. We could just disappear. You just have to say a word.

- Stand in the sun with me.

- I’d like for us to stop being these people

- Tell me you felt it too. Tell me I’m not crazy. Tell me… You felt it too.

- That wasn’t you handling me. That was US.

- It feels like a first step.

- Take me with you, Liv. Run away with me. Save me. I want US to stand in the sun together.

- You’re leaving everything else behind. Don’t go alone. You don’t have to be alone.

- Man, do I love you. 

- Does that matter to you at all? She is loved. 

- I love her.

- We both know in the end you are not going to choose me. Not choosing me is okay.

- The only difference is that I’m in love with you.

anonymous asked:

Jealous pippa headcanons pretty please?

oh goodness, yes! 

I feel like Pippa is the type that wouldn’t want her SO to know she’s jealous? Mostly because she trusts them and wants them to know that? So she’d usually shut down, be really quiet but at the same time close, like if you’re talking to someone she’s jealous of sh’s take your hand or grab your arm and just pretend she’s 100% fine. You guys would have the talk later mostly because she feels the need to put it out there and it’d end up with you cupping her face in your hands and making sure she knows there’s only her to you, she’d give a little pout and you’d cover her in kisses because she’s so so cute

  • QROW: what? You're seeing someone?
  • RAVEN: Yes, brother.
  • QROW: eww. Who's the unlucky bastard?
  • RAVEN: Taiyang, you dolt.
  • QROW: *looks at Tai* You're dating my sister? Ewww. Just so you know she drools in her sleep and has really stinky farts.
  • TAIYANG: So you're cool with me dating your sister?
  • QROW: Hmmm ... Sure. Why not? The better question though is are YOU cool with dating my sister? Cause if she ends up liking you a lot and you fall on one knee to give her a fancy rock you're gonna end up with me as a brother-in-law. *gets up close to Taiyang's face* Would you be able to live with that Mr Xiao Long?
  • TAIYANG: uhhh I haven't really thought that far. I mean, we haven't even been a couple for 24 hours.
  • QROW: *aside to Raven* He's a drifting ladies' man likely to leave you as a single mother. I would dump him while you can.
  • Qrow coping with his sister's love life part 1.

I just wanted to do a little thing to wish heathers orlando a happy closing!! I’ve heard nothing but good things about this production and I wish I could have seen it but you guys are super wonderful and have really cute faces and I enjoy drawing your super cool 80s hair.

nicolemlvisco thatsthat24 candiedcurves idk if anyone else is on the tumblr but y’all are really great okay like wow

anonymous asked:

“I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist.” any louis ship of your choice! or any ship really, if you're not a louis fan!

“I don’t hate you,” Louis says. His eyes are closed, face tipped up towards the ceiling. “I just don’t like that you exist.”

“The feeling is more than mutual,” Nick tells him, mostly amused but a little offended all the same. It’s a familiar feeling that he only associates with Louis.

“It’s mostly your hair,” Louis continues as if Nick hasn’t spoken. “And your voice. Your clothes too.”

“I basically wear the same clothes as Harry.” He’s pretty sure the shirt he’s wearing right now came from Harry’s castoffs.

“Exactly. Harry’s clothes are ridiculous. Harry is ridiculous. You’re ridiculous.”

Nick sighs and forces himself to relax his tense shoulders. “Is there anything about me that you do like then?”

“Fishing for compliments is so unattractive,” Louis points out, finally opening his eyes and focusing on him. Nick absolutely refuses to blush or look away, so they end up in some weird staring contest. “I like your dogs,” he says finally. “And your taste in music isn’t entirely shit.”

“Uh. Thanks.” Nick feels weirdly pleased. His dogs are awesome.

“Now you’re meant to tell me something you like about me,” Louis cajoles, nudging Nick’s foot with his own.

“Fishing for compliments is so unattractive,” Nick singsongs, laughing at Louis’ scowl. “But your uh. Your face. It’s okay. You know. As faces go.”

Louis’ cheeks definitely pinken. “Shut up.”

“You shut up,” Nick parrots nonsensically. He’s got a horrible suspicion that his own face is a bit red too.

It’s a bit surprising to be honest when Louis actually stays silent for a few minutes.

“You could come visit the dogs,” Nick says awkwardly. “If you like. They like popstars, generally. Very popstar friendly, my dogs. They go mad when I play a bit of 1D.”

Louis stares at him blankly. “You’re inviting me round to see your dogs.”

“I mean, I’d be there too.” Nick runs a hand through his hair and winces at how stupid he sounds. “I could make you a cuppa. When you visit. Maybe stick a pizza on.”

It sounds like a date. Fuck, it is a date. He’s inviting Louis Tomlinson round to his for a date. What the fuck is he doing?

“Only if it’s a meat feast,” Louis says eventually. He says it quietly, like he’s a bit unsure. “And Yorkshire Tea. None of that PG Tips or Tetley. I can tell the difference.”

“Alright,” Nick says. Fuck, Louis Tomlinson is coming round his for a date.

Christ. He needs to call Harry to borrow the most obnoxious shirt he owns.

prompt me

you go to the fog place yourself this time. it’s like turning to the side suddenly, a narrow periphery only open for a second. 

although you did not coordinate this, cm florence is already there, as though waiting. you register that she is wearing the white dress, patterned in vertical lines of embroidered flowers. it splits open at the knee and petals around her. cotton or something, vaguely soft. 

have you made up your mind?

i think so.

mm. i just want to look at your face for a moment before we go. here. you are already quite close in the fog. she takes your head between her hands and looks not really at you, but- you’re not sure what. her eyes flick back and forth for a moment, and then she makes a soft ohh in the back of her throat and smiles, lets go. i think we’re ready then. we can talk once we get there.
the fog starts thinning out this way. 

and just like that, you’re walking after her, slightly behind, noticing once more her particular certainty about where her feet will fall. 

the fog begins to change color and then smell and then the ground shifts under your feet and turns both soft and compact-

the trees make a cathedral around you. 

the light falls down slowly through the canopy, softened and diffused by layers and layers of intersecting green boughs. a feeling of depth. under the vast scale of the red cedars, the muted light makes you feel as though you are deep deep underwater, peacefully swimming in something infinitely larger than yourself

florence’s bare feet stepping forward ahead of you, the tattoos on her ankles too fast / for freedom winking as she moves through patches of shadow and sunlight

your feet are bare too. the duff and compacted needles are cool and springy, slightly resilient underfoot. you do not leave footprints.

the clearing itself is held in the lap of an enormous redwood cedar. an irregular oblong framed with ferns, the edges slipping back into the paths that snake through the woods. park benches in a single line mark the far boundary of the space. the iron has grown almost green with sea patina, all fogged over and glassy. 

do you remember being here?

you raise your face, feeling the scent of sea and cedar, the soft light sifting down. all the bracken and ferns and ridges of earth where older trees used to be create a bowl around you, like being in a cupped green palm

yeah. it’s gentle but pungent, the smell of the cedar all around you, the cedar earth a fragrant dark rich red under your feet. red as old blood. the smell is like a prayer. you have pressed your face to it a hundred thousand times, in sickness and in health. 

you came back here? afterward, to this memory?

i think it was the last place i really felt safe, for a long time. something about being so ill and such beauty still existing in the world. it made sense to hold onto that. 

she nods. i thought it might be a good place for this. you have it in common between you.. you were here after bandon. you were so raw, and this was a calm eye in the middle of all that… you don’t have many of those. a wry, but gentle smile.

and i was alone here.

you were. which also makes it special, gives it that space we need, for our work. you are both quiet for a moment, having circled back around to your purpose, your reason for being here at all. forest noises fill in the space between you; calling birds, the distant thrush of waves.

are you ready? florence asks. i can go get her, but you can take as long as you need. she’s not touching you, but her hands want to: they halfmove, fold and unfold. wanting for a shoulder, your face, your own hands to touch. a hesitancy you’re not sure of. 

yes, you say. 

she looks as if she wants to say something very much, but begins to turn away, just brushing your shoulder with the verymost tips of her fingers.
while still within distance she abruptly turns back and gathers you up, tightly. her hand, firm on your jaw, guides your face to look at her.

no matter how this goes i am very proud of you. a kiss on your left temple, a kiss on your right, and she’s gone, picking her way out of the clearing. 

you do not watch her walk away because you do not want to see the point when these trees become else, the vanishing point, that bridges between here and there. in your heart you would like these woods to continue on forever without ceasing, a green echoing that goes on and on. 

instead, you sit on one of the benches and wait. 

it is not long before florence walks back. an almost perfect echo of the night of the 27th: arms, blanket, body. the sunlight is behind her, slanting through the dense trees, throwing her silhouette into perfect relief. 

she sits down carefully near the far end of the bench, arranges them both. come around here to the other side, bucky, where there’s room for you. 

there’s room, but only enough. enough that it gives you only two choices, to sit or not. no edging away, no hiding. intimate, your leg against hers, your shoulders touching, you sit so close. 

florence holds the head of your younger self in her lap, body lying down the length of the bench. she sleeps, as you still do, curled tightly into herself, hands knotted under the blanket in the same way.
and the distance, the years, the long and twisted miles of anger and tears and fighting and grief, folds up between you. two fuses, inches apart.

you feel your panic stir in your chest, the wet overwhelming one, like a hole bored clear through flesh. you take a breath, and take another, and realize that you can smell cedar and nurse logs and florence and cloth and very faintly the salt of the sea but you cannot smell the hospital on her skin. 

florence begins to resume the small rituals of tending. tucking hair back, tracing lines with her thumb and forefinger, making the blankets neater. light continual contact. she glances at you, then back down to her lap. i worry about her being cold. i know this… doesn’t change anything, but i do. i worry. she reaches down and parts the side of the blankets, takes the unconscious hands out and looks at them. covers them up in her own. so cold. you’re not sure you have the right to the pain on her face, but it’s there, all the same. 

small hands that used to be yours.

slowly, you reach out and lay your hand over your younger self’s. gently. deliberately. and nothing happens. her hand is cold, and bony and bruised, the fingernails shredded, joined to an arm lax with exhaustion that goes deeper than sleep.

you wait and nothing happens. something should, something catastrophic, something cataclysmic. you keep your hand there, half-tensed. almost unable to move for anticipating a blow that doesn’t come.

florence leans against you right then, her eyes half-closed. warm, calm.

is she breathing? you blurt, panicked. everything has always ended before here, and you don’t know how to go on

florence sits up, half-surprised. yes of course, look. she lays her hand flat between four electrode stickers.

i don’t know what to do. 

her hand rises and falls.

you don’t need to do anything. just keep breathing. keep holding her hand. remember you’re here and not there. 

where’s her telemetry unit? you keep noticing details you couldn’t remember in a dizzying influx of information. this body you can only remember clearly as someone else’s. there’s lanugo beginning on her arms. 

florence looks at you patiently. there’s no risk in her being here with us. you know how this goes. 

you are scared but you can only feel its current tugging at you, not pulling you down. there is further to go still.

what can you remember about that day? florence asks.

i remember i thought i would be in and out in an hour or so. there was an advertisement for the clinic on the radio as we drove there. it wasn’t a surprise. i always knew where we were going.
the initial appointment took five hours. most of which was sitting in a cold sterile room alone waiting and losing track of time. i had never had to talk with a doctor one on one like that before. there was always someone else i could use as a distraction, a foil to bounce things off of and this time.. there wasn’t. i thought a lot of things but i didn’t ever think i would be going to the hospital that day. when doctor m. told me she apologized. and then…

and then? florence asks. 

and then i walked myself across the street into the hospital. and the programs took over from there. 
there’s a lot that was frustrating because i had lost control of being able to do things for myself, because of protocols and just because.. i couldn’t do them. like not being able to walk anymore. being unable to get out of bed, having to page someone to do absolutely everything for me. not being able to be alone, ever. not being allowed to have the bathroom door shut. the very thing that saves you be the one that traps you.

everything was like that. the telemetry unit being an effective tracking device, refeeding… everything was so grounded in there being a body, in keeping myself in that body that i had tried for months and months to escape, to turn into something else 

and i didn’t want to be there but i didn’t want to be dead either, not really. although at the time i thought about bandon with this perverse kind of angry jealous longing. 

and all those doctors and nurses and cnas and mas working so hard to keep me rooted in a body i didn’t want to be in anymore

there’s what feels like a dichotomy between being angry and being scared and i.. i think i always chose angry then, too. 

-you were angry at yourself then, too?

yeah. i guess i was. you feel like you’ve opened a box that used to hold something important, and found it empty. all this time. 

sometimes you need time, bucky.

it’s just been this cycle, going on and on. endlessly perpetuating self-hate. you’re staring out, into the clearing as you speak. years and years of it.

but you’ve gone through and you’ve seen there’s no way you could have avoided- what happened happened. trauma is like a circle, she’s not free until you are and you had to see these things to be able to let go of blaming her, of blaming yourself.

the ouroboros, you say.

well, that’s one way of putting it.

you both (all three) sit for a moment, silent. then florence speaks

i think our time here is almost up. i’ve got to walk her back. she looks at you, that kind of gold light in her eyes. is there anything else you want to do before-?

you look at the face surrounded in blankets, imagine running your hand over it like she does. some things are still too far out of reach.


okay then. 

a reversal of the night of the 27th. you’re walking behind them both, into the fog. it changes color and scent and becomes denser and more regular. you reach a doorway full of light and florence nods at you, walks through. there’s still the imprint of a smaller hand in yours. 

you wait the long minutes in the busying fog until florence comes back and grabs you up.
she’s holding your head against her chest, rocking both of you back and forth.

i am so proud so proud of you. you’ve left her an opening. a way out!

i did. you mutter, unsure. i did. a pause. can we go somewhere else now?

-of course.

One time my friends dad was teaching us all how to get out of certain attack positions (like a gun close to our face or someone coming up from behind or grabbing your wrists…. He’s a navy seal)

And he comes up to me and is like “ok what you do you do if someone chokes you from in front?” and he puts his hands around my neck like questioning what I think I should do and I accidentally blurted out “nothing…. It feels really good”

And I shit you not we just stared at each other for a second and he’s like “…….. Ok different volunteer”


thatglutenfreemuffin  asked:

He'd let out a little growl against your skin and the bite fucking hurts and when he pulls off you dread to imagine the mark he's left and you're just whimpering and writhing against the wall "Bren I'm close" you'd whine and he'd smirk big and grip your hair in his hand, still gripping your thigh with the other "you'd like to come right now wouldn't you?" He'd tease and kiss you roughly "please let me come" you'd practically beg and it just spurs him on to tease more

You’ve just kind of had it at this point so you bury your face in his neck and whimper out “please baby let me come please please please.” and you’ve given up the tough act you just really want to come and he just replies with “come on baby girl come for me.” and that just sends you over the edge, you’re thighs begin to tremble and you grip onto him as you let your orgasm wash over you, moaning his name over and over again