i just realized i ordered this wrong

Substituting with “anything” (a quartz and rosemary-inspired rant)

Apparently this is the month of me sticking my foot in places I’ll likely regret. But I feel like this really damages the learning process for a lot of witches and needs addressing. So today I’d like to talk about this thing being told to new witches way too often: that they can use “anything” as a substitution if they don’t have X ingredient for, say, a spell jar or whatever.

Can I just say, as someone whose practice focuses heavily on herbal work, how crazy that makes me?

I am not saying spells are set in stone and substitutions can’t be made. They totally can be.

I am not saying that this here fancy spell with all these fancy, expensive ingredients can’t have a more accessible re-working done with more common ingredients. It probably can.

I am all about making spells work for less money, less time, and less privileged people. You tell me what you’ve got in your kitchen and yard, and I will help you find a way to make that into any-damn-thing you please.

I am not all about the elite-extra-special “old way” or some dead guy’s mandates on how to witch.

But when I see, “just use quartz/rosemary instead” as the generic advice for EVERYTHING, no matter what the missing component in question is, it makes me crazy.

What’s the purpose of using ingredient-based spells? No, not just for the aesthetic™. It’s to reduce the energy load on you by replacing it with stuff that ALREADY HAS a given energy, or focus.

So if you remove it and just stick a generic energy booster in there, what’s going to happen?

One of two things:

1. The spell doesn’t work as intended, because you took off a wheel and put a rocket where it used to be.

2. The spell does work as intended, but I’m willing to bet you feel the exact same drain you would have felt if you’d just done energy work… because that’s probably what you did (and a lot of people don’t realize that isn’t supposed to happen).

So while I’m not saying that you’re wrong and your spell didn’t work regardless of whatever generic substitutions you made, I am going to say that if that’s true, I wonder if you’re wasting a lot of materials in your practice.

The purpose of spell ingredients is to use the properties of the ingredient in order to add a specific energy to the spell, which reduces the burden on you to supply that specific energy, and to have highly consistent focus while doing so. If your spell calls for valerian, then there is something about valerian itself that is aiding the spell. You can’t simply swap it with cayenne and expect to get the same results. There are definitely things you COULD swap it with because they have similar properties, but not absolutely anything.

If you can swap the valerian with literally anything and get the same results, that likely means you are not actually using the valerian to help you cast the spell. You’re simply using your own energy and the herbs are set dressing.

And there’s most certainly nothing wrong with being adept at pure energy work. That’s a great skill to have as a witch. But it sure is a waste of herbs if you’re not actually using them, eh? I mean, a lot of these herbs we use aren’t cheap or readily available.

Why not just get rid of the set dressing and save yourself time and money and just do energy work? Or if you like your set dressing, use tools meant to amplify energy work, like a wand or a staff or something?

Also, I think there’s a certain level of damage being done when we tell witches who are trying to learn herbal work that anything is just the same as anything else and none of it matters.

The magical uses of herbs are often tied to their mundane uses. Let’s remember: cunning craft was the mother of medicine. To this very day, the magical uses of many herbs are tied to their physical affects. Even when they aren’t, they’re often a sort of hypersigil, and they’ve gained those associations through dozens or even hundreds of years of thousands or millions of people all imbuing them with the same purpose and energy. Most correspondences have a biological reasoning behind them, or have been basically sigilized by being used the same way thousands of times.

Exceptions and personal correspondences are a thing; I have a few myself. But these tend to be herbs that have been highly significant in my own life over a long period of time, and have consequently become a sort of personal sigil, as opposed to the cultural sigil of most broader correspondences. My personal correspondences tend to be things I have history with (even if it’s mundane), not just literally anything. Basically, I’ve overridden the cultural sigilization, by writing over it with my own over time. But that’s an exception.

It makes it impossible to learn herbal work – which is a totally different skill from energy work – if you’re proposing that none of it actually matters and it all works the same anyway. And furthermore, it’s pretty discouraging if a witch tries that, and then their spell fails, which I see with some regularity.

Witches read that they can replace “anything” with quartz or rosemary, and then they come back and say their spell is doing all kinds of weird stuff it shouldn’t be doing.

Well, I’m not surprised. The original ingredient was there to give the spell a specific property, and then someone told them to replace it with a neutral energy booster and not do anything to replace the loss of that specific property, or control all the unprogrammed energy.

So, the result is going to be a high-powered bouncy ball of a spell that just pings around doing random shit and putting holes in the wall. Because they didn’t give it anything except energy with no focus. Because you can’t just replace “anything” with quartz or rosemary.

That tripped me up for a while, as someone who relies a lot on tools. I’m an empath, and like a lot of drain-prone people, I find using ingredients helps reduce how drained I get by casting spells. Becoming adept at herbal work was really important for me to be able to cast at all with any consistency. I can DO energy work, but I don’t always wanna wind up spending the next day in bed, and that’s where tools help me.

It’s not very helpful to just say “replace it with anything.” That’s not how herb magic works.

Substitution can be done in most cases. But if you’re gonna remove a wheel, you need to add a different one that’s compatible with the car, not just strap a rocket to the axle.

So, long story short: I really wish people would stop saying you can substitute with “anything.” While I get that the intention is to try to make the craft more accessible, it just impedes people from learning how to do it with stuff that’s ACTUALLY accessible. I mean, what’s inaccessible about the stuff most people have in their kitchen? You can substitute for a lot with that!

While it is completely true that you don’t need ingredients to do a spell, it is also true that if you’re going to use ingredients, they matter. If they didn’t matter there’d be no point to using them.

If you find that you can substitute with “anything” and get the same results no matter what, then I think I can save you some time and money: just get an energy working tool instead!

Just A Fan

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Word Count: 682

Genre: Angst

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Originally posted by keepingupwithbts


“Next please!”

The minute you heard those words, you felt your heart beating hysterically against your rib cage, your weak legs climbing up the few stairs and kneeling down in front of the desk.

Only when you saw his face did you realize that everything was real. Only then did your realize that you were indeed at the BTS fansign, kneeling in front of the person you thought you would never be able to see in your life.

“Hey cutie, what’s your name?” Still mesmerized by his beauty, you observed every inch of his handsome face, smiling slightly when you saw how he stuck the tip of his tongue out while he signed your album.

“H-Hello, my name is Y/N.”

When he heard your name, he stopped and looked up again, smiling at you with his beautiful gummy smile. “Woah, that’s a beautiful name, just like you!”

Even though you knew that Yoongi liked to flirt with his fans from time to time, hearing those words made you feel warm inside without your control. Taking your bottom lip in between your teeth, you smiled shyly and averted your eyes down at your legs. “T-Thank you..”

Yoongi chuckled at your adorableness and took your hands in between his hands,  intertwining you fingers immediately. “So Y/N, tell me, who is your bias?”

Your head snapped up at that question, eyes widely open staring at his soft ones. “Ehm, I-I ehm..”

You saw how Yoongi’s smile grew wider as he observed your flustered face. Before you could realize what was happening, he let go of your hands and placed his on your cheeks, pulling your face near his before he whispered. “I already figured out, you don’t need to tell me.. It’s a good decision, I’m proud of you.”

The minute he leaned back a little bit, you exhaled the breath you didn’t know you were holding in, feeling your heartbeat all over your body.

Wait, since when was he so touchy?!

You blinked a few times, not knowing what to do. You had so many questions, why couldn’t you remember any of them?!

“Ah, you’re too cute!” Yoongi reached out for your hands again, placing his chin on them and looking at you with an expression you couldn’t really understand.

Lifting your eyebrows, you asked him hesitantly. “I-Is something wrong? Do I have something on my face?”

You tried to take your hand out of his grip in order to check your face but were stopped when Yoongi’s grip tightened. “No, there is nothing on your face. I just realized how beautiful you are..”

Shocked, you looked into his eyes without being able to say something. This was definitely a dream. This couldn’t be real.

Without saying anything, you looked into each other’s eyes for what felt like an eternity, his warm and soft hands still wrapped around your slightly trembling ones.

Observing your face again, he asked with a calm voice. “What are you thinking about?”

Taking a deep breath, you answered. “I’m just really happy that I was able to fulfill my dream before I-”

Just before you could end your sentence, the staff came to Yoongi’s side, motioning for you to continue moving so that the next fan could talk to him.

Nodding immediately, you started moving away but were stopped when Yoongi tightened his grip around your hands. With a questioning look, you looked at him.

Yoongi, on the other hand, was looking at you with a confused expression plastered on his face. “Before you what?”

Smiling sadly, you squeezed his hand once. “This was my first and last time seeing you Yoongi.. I only have a few months, maybe even few weeks left before I bid my goodbyes to this world..”

Yoongi’s whole body froze, his breath hitching as he felt like his heart stopped beating. “W-What?”

He watched how you replaced your sad smile with a happy one, your eyes never leaving his while you spoke.

“It’s okay, I’m just a fan. You won’t even realize that I’m gone..”

The Discovery

(Your boyfriend Jin is reluctant to allow his sexual fantasy to become a reality.)

Warning: Smut, male dom, female sub, spanking, fellatio, teasing, intercourse, dirty talk. I am so going to hell for writing stuff like this.

“Jin.  Jin!  Jinnie! Yah, KIM SEOKJIN WAKE UP!”

Your attempts to gently nudge your boyfriend awake had failed, so you shook him awake instead.  You had already been up for an hour, had showered, dressed, did your hair and makeup and were ready to go do something fun for the day.  Your boyfriend, Jin, was always so busy with work it was rare to have a whole day for just the two of you.  You had spent the night at his place so you could get an early start on your plans for the day.  First was a bike ride in the park, then a picnic lunch, a trip to the aquarium, a puppy café, a movie, dinner, late night bowling and drinks.  Jin had laughed at you when you told him your list of what you had planned, and he was right, it would be impossible to do everything, but you wanted to try to do as much as you could.

Jin wrapped his arms around you and pulled you down onto the bed so your head was against his chest. He held you tightly so you couldn’t move much. “Baby, why don’t we just sleep a little while longer.   You wore me out last night.”

You smiled thinking of last night.  Making love with Jin was always such a pleasure.  He wasn’t adventurous in bed, but he was a generous lover, always making sure you were well taken care of.  You sometimes missed the wilder sexual activities you experienced with previous boyfriends, but you wouldn’t trade Jin for anyone else in the world. He was by far the kindest boyfriend you had ever had.

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Pumpkin Mocha Breve

A Snowbaz Coffee Shop AU

– Baz –
“Pumpkin mocha breve?”
My order gets called and I stand, heading over to the counter, glancing at my phone as I reach for my drink. Only my fingers don’t reach my drink, they brush someone else’s hand instead. I glance up from my phone to see the cutest guy blushing and stammering.
“Oh-oh my god i’m sorry, is this your drink? I thought she said pumpkin mocha breve.”
I smirk. This boy is adorable. His hair is brushed back from his forehead in messy curls, as if he’s always running his hands through it. Freckles dot his nose and cheeks (which are blushed red) and he has a mole on his cheekbone and another on his eyelid. I suddenly realized I’ve been staring and cough a bit.
“Um, no you didn’t hear wrong. That’s the drink I ordered.”
“What?!” his eyes go wide and he turns and practically shouts across the small cafe, “Pen! Penny! This guy ordered the same drink as me!”
It’s my turn to blush as a dark girl with bright purple hair to match her cat-eye glasses rolls her eyes at the boy and glances at me.
“That’s great Simon,” She says, before turning back to her book.
“I’m sorry,” the boy - Simon - turns back to me with a grin, “I’ve just never met someone who’s heard of it before.”
“Ahem.”
I’m pulled out of Simon’s deep blue eyes and turn to the barista, who I forgot was there.
“Pumpkin mocha breve?” she asks again.
I glance back at Simon. “You can have it,” I say.
“No-no-no. I’m not in a hurry. You have it.”
“Really, it’s fine.”
“How about one of you just takes the drink?” The barista snaps, obviously annoyed.
Simon looks affronted. “Agatha, chill.” he says.
She rolls her eyes. “Simon just because you aren’t working today…” She pushes off the counter and walks back to the cash register, leaving the drink between us.
I stare down at it for a second before looking back at Simon. “You work here?”
“Yeah,” he says, smiling. “I kinda invented that drink.”
And fuck, he looks so damn proud of himself and it makes my skin tingle. I shouldn’t like this boy so much, I just met him for Crowley’s sake.
“Anyways…” he fades off staring at the drink.
“Why don’t we just, wait for the other one?” I suggest, cautiously. “Then we can maybe go sit somewhere?”
He breaks into an even bigger grin, which I didn’t know was possible and nods his head enthusiastically.
“I’m Baz, by the way” I say, holding out my hand.
“Simon,” He responds, slipping his hand into mine, “Simon Snow.”
His hand is warm and soft.
“And another pumpkin mocha breve,” Agatha calls, flipping her blonde hair over her shoulder as she sets it down.
I grab both drinks and start walking over to a table. Terrified that Simon might make up an excuse to leave now that we have our drinks. He follows behind me though and I slide into a corner table near the windows. He sits across from me and I pass him his drink.
“So Snow,” I begin, “Tell me about yourself.”
“Really?” he laughs, “You’re not even gonna be subtle about it?”
I lean forward, “Does that make you nervous?”
He blushes and glances from me to his coffee, drumming his fingers against it.
“No,” he says quietly.
“Good.” I lean back and stare openly at him. Taking in his curls and his moles and his blue blue eyes. The way he can’t seem to sit still and the blush still blooming across his nose.
“Okay how about this? You tell me something about you, then I tell you something about me.”
He takes a sip of his coffee.
“Okay.” I can see him thinking.
“I’m secretly the most powerful mage in the world,” he starts.
“And I’m a vampire.” I say back. He raises his eyebrows and quirks a smile.
“I love sour cherry scones.”
“I play football. I’m a goalie.”
“I hate sports.”
I gasp at that. “And I hate messes.”
I see Simon narrow his eyes as I rake mine down his rumpled shirt and crooked tie.
“I write lists.”
“I play the violin.”
“I don’t have a middle name.”
“My full name is Tyrranus Basilton Grimm-Pitch.”
He laughs at that.
“I really love goats.”
“Really? I’m more of a cat person myself.”
“I want to save the world.”
“And I want to burn it down.”
He smiles again and I lean forward, across the table.
“I am hopelessly attracted to you Simon Snow.”
He leans forward to meet me. His forehead resting against mine.
I watch him swallow nervously. He opens his mouth and his breath brushes my face as he whispers.
“I thought it was my turn.”
“Well, you can just go now.”
He moves even closer to me, if that’s possible.
“I think I feel the same way, Tyrranus Basilton Grimm-Pitch.”
“Baz.” I correct.
“Baz” he agrees, leaning forward and brushing his lips against mine.
He tastes of coffee and cinnamon and sunshine.
I pull away slowly, unwilling and wanting more.
“Would you go on a date with me?” I ask.
He smiles and nods, lifting his coffee up between us to take a sip.
“I thought that’s what we were doing.”
“Okay,” I say. “Will you go on another date with me?”
“Yes.”

Forever (FP Jones-Riverdale)

Request by the lovely @imagination-factory : Could you do an FP imagine where The Reader is a serpent (much older than the gang but still theres an age gap) and she and FP have been in a relationship for a while bc Jugheads mom moved on and asked for a divorce so FP moved on too. She’s almost the opposite, loves being peaceful and her and FP are completely in love, Jughead doesn’t know. The situation but catches them together and gets angry? Fluff with FP explaining the story to him as well as you meeting his son properly? Thank you!!

Love it! If you guys want any more FP, let me know, and tell me what do you wanna see in those imagines :)



Y/N woke up to the sound of some kids playing outside of the trailer. She rolled on to her side to come face to face with a sleeping FP. He looked so peaceful when he slept. The 28 year old girl couldn’t help but smile at the love of her life.

She and FP have  been together for a bit over 2 years now and they still somehow managed to act like they were in the honeymoon faze of their relationship.

They were so different, yet they somehow managed to fit together perfectly. She was very calm and peaceful, she was able to talk and get along with absolutely anyone. FP always thought she had the power to calm any situation and make it better. While he was a very impulsive person. If someone pushed the wrong buttons he wouldn’t hesitate to get in a fight with that person. They were life fire and ice.

The girl leaned down to press a light kiss on FP’s cheek before getting out of bed. She made herself a cup of coffee before grabbing her yoga mat and spreading it open in the living room. Yes, a south side serpent did yoga. Besides when she wore a south side serpent jacket there was no way anyone could tell that she was from that part of the town.

“Well this is a nice view to wake up to.” A raspy voice said from behind her as she was doing the downward dog pose.

“Mornin’.” She smiled straightening up before walking over to her boyfriend who was leaning against the door frame in nothing but his boxers.

“Don’t let me disturb you, princess.” He smirked, letting his eyes run up and down her body. She was wearing a pair of black panties and a white t shirt that she slept in.

“Can’t help it, you’re too distracting.” She said joyfully before walking over to him and wrapping her arms around his neck.

“You’re the one to talk.” He said before kissing her.

“I’m kinda hungry. Wanna make breakfast while i shower?” She asked as the pulled away, his hands still on her hips.

“Sure.” He said before making his way in to the kitchen as she walked in to the bathroom.

“Breakfast’s ready.” FP called out just as she walked back in to the living room wearing nothing but a towel, her hair still dripping wet.

“Thanks, love.” She smiled before sitting down and taking a bite of her eggs.

FP bent down and kissed her forehead as she ate before walking over to the fridge and pulling out a bottle of beer.

“Forsythe Pendleton  Jones the second, don’t you dare open that bottle.” The younger girl said with a serious voice. 

“Fine.” He left out a sigh before putting the beer back and replacing it with a cup of coffee.

“Seriously? After two years  of being with me, you still try to drink in the morning.” She said shaking her head, remembering all the times she had to slap the bottle of beer out of his hands. 

“Can’t blame me for trying.” He winked at her as he sat down next to her. She has changed him, a lot. As crazy as it sounded love really does change a person. Yes, it was hard to break the old habit  of drinking at every hour of the day, but with her in his life, he had something to fight for, someone to help him break the nasty habit.

“Yes, yes,  I can.” She said before standing up and washing her plate.

Less than a minute later FP Joined her by the sink, giving her his plate to wash as well.

“How the hell  do you manage to eat this fast?” She said with a chuckle as she started to wash the rest of the dishes. The slightly older man leaned down and started to kiss her shoulder, warping his arms around her waist. 

Once she was done with the dishes she leaned back against her boyfriend  and enjoyed the feeling of his lips on her skin and the slight starching of his stubble.

“I should get ready for work.” She sighed without actually moving.

“You can be a bit late.” He said against her neck making her smile, none of them hearing the door open and close.

“Dad?”

Y/N jumped away from FP, wrapping her towel righter around her body, making FP turn around to come face to face with his son and a blonde girl, who he remembered as Jughead’s girlfriend.

“Jughead.. I-” FP didn’t know what to say. He knew his son always hoped for him and his mother to get back together, never accepting the fact that they got divorced.

“Hey Jughead, it’s nice to meet you, finally.” Y/N jumped in, giving FP some time to think about what he’ll say.

“Who are you?” Jughead said in a flat tone.

“I’m Y/N.” She said, not knowing if she should say anything more about her and his fathers relationship. “And you must be Betty.” She smiled at the girl who stood behind Jughead.

“Nice to meet you.” The blonde smiled.

“Sorry about.. um.. my outfit?” Y/N smiled a small blush creeping on her face. “I’ll let you guys talk, I have to get ready for work anyway.” She smiled, squeezing FP’s hand in encouragement before walking in to the bathroom where she started to put on  her make up.

“Um.. Make yourself at home, I’ll be right back.’‘  FP said before walking in to their room.

’'I thought you said your dad and your mum were close to making up.” Betty said to her boyfriend as they sat down on the couch.

“They were… But Now he’s sleeping with her.” Jughead said, spitting the last word out like it was venom.

“Sorry about that.” FP said sitting down opposite them, now fully dressed.

“Who the hell is she?” Jughead snapped.

“She’s my.. girlfriend.” The older man said, not sure what to call her or how to explain to his son that he found the love of his life and kept it from him for over two years.

“What about mum?” The boy pressed again making FP let out a deep breath, knowing this will be a difficult conversation.

“Juggie, your mum and me, weren’t made for each other. That’s why we separated.”

“But you said you want to work things out!”

“Yes and I did. I  do. But not in a sense that i want to get back together with her. I want to work out something, so i could see Jellly bean.” He told him. “I don’t love your mother. We got together, when we were very young… Your age. She got pregnant. That’s the only reason we got married. None of us was in love. But we got you. For which I’m always gonna be thankful.”

“What about Jelly bean?” Jughead tried, in his mind, still imagining his parents madly in love.

“Your mum thought that getting another kid will bring us closer together.” FP explained just as Y/N walked out of their room, now dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and a red and black flannel paired off with a pair of black high heal ankle boots.

“Betty, do you want me to drive you home, i think the boys need to talk about a lot of stuff.” The girl offered grabbing her keys and her purse from the kitchen table.

“Sure.” Betty nodded before looking at her boyfriend. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah.” He said shortly still looking at his dad with an angry expression on his face.

'I love you.’ Y/N mouthed  to FP, trying not to make things worse by walking over and kissing him like every morning.

FP nodded, sending her an apologetic smile before she and Betty walked out of the trailer.

“Juggie, She’s the one.”

“How do you know?” The boy asked, like a little kid not believing their parents when they told him Santa Clause wasn’t real.

“I just know. She makes me a better person.” He told him and that made Jughead realize that his father really cut down the drinking, got a job and in general fixed his image in the last year or so. “I meet her in the Whyte Wyrm.” He told him, noticing that he is listening, he decided to continue the story. “I was in a bad place. Black out drunk. I remember some guy pushed the wrong buttons and i snapped. We got in a fight in the middle of the bar. It wasn’t looking good for me.” He said remembering how drunk he was, he was hardly able to stand, let alone fight. “Y/N stepped in, talking some sense in to the other guy, before taking me to her place. She patched me up and let me crush on her couch. Next morning she made me breakfast and we talked. At first, I’ll admit, i thought she was just another girl that felt sorry for the old drunk.” He shook his head. “But oh, i was so wrong. We ran in to one another at Whyte Wyrm, the next day as well. She saw me drinking again and sat down next to me, grabbing the bottle of beer out of my hand. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she started to ask questions, talking, about this and that. She kept me talking, to distract me from ordering another drink.” He said, noticing that the expression on his sons face had softened. “I was absolutely enchanted. She was nothing like the other girls  who usually hang out at that bar. No, she was nothing like anyone i have ever met on the south side. I walked her home that night, it was the first night i was sober, in a very long time. I found myself thinking about her, wanting to know more. I went to the Whyte Wyrm again  and again, hoping to see her again. I was like a school boy, having his first crush.” The man chuckled, shaking his head at his own actions. “Weeks passed, and i found out that she was only in the bar on the weekends, i caught myself counting down the days to the next Friday. By the first month i was whipped, but i haven’t even got a kiss from her yet. I’ve tried, oh I’ve tried, but she always rejected me.” He chuckled again. “I think that’s what made me want her more.”

“So how did you get her?” Jughead asked, surprising his father with a soft voice, the wrinkles of anger gone from his face.

“Roses.” FP said shortly, smiling at the memory. “One day i noticed she has this tattoo on the side of her left wrist. A small and simple rose, so i asked her about it. She told me that she got it when she finished high school. I was confused what it had to do with high school. She just laughed and said that there is no connection, she just loved roses. So the next day i got her a rose. The smile it brought on her face, it lit up the whole room. Such a simple thing made her so happy. And that’s when i knew. When i saw that smile, i knew, I was in love.” He said not even realizing he was smiling. Jughead couldn’t recall last time he saw such joy on his face. “She jumped up and hugged me, when she pulled away she gave me the sweetest kiss I’ve ever received. Sorry sorry, I know you don’t wanna listen to that.” FP laughed a nervous laugh, starching the back of his head.

“I get it, dad, You love her.” Jughead nodded.

“I do.”

“I… I’d like to meet her, property.”

“Yeah, how about we go  to Pop’s today? A dinner, on me. You can bring the Cooper girl.” FP offered.

“Sure.” The boy nodded.

-

“Why am I so nervous?” Y/N asked herself as she fixed her hair.

“You have nothing to be nervous about. He will love you.” FP said wrapping his arm around her shoulder as they sat in one of the boots at Pop’s, waiting for Jughead and his girlfriend.

“Yeah, he really seemed to love me this morning.” She laughed.

“He understands now. He’s the one who asked to meet you.”

“I know, i know.” She said taking a deep breath as she noticed the two teenagers walking towards them. “Jughead, hey.” She smiled offering him her hand, which he shook.

“Hey.” Jughead said before sitting down. “I wanted to say sorry about how I acted this morning.”

“That’s okay.” The girl smiled before sitting down besides her boyfriend again. “So,  how was school?” She asked and before they knew it they were talking about everything and anything.

FP couldn’t help but to smile, he loved the girl. She was his and he was hers. They were forever.


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Click here for part two!

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Request here!

Masterlist here!

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AN: Ooo i really loved writing this one, please tell me what you guys think.  :)

On Finding Your Voice

Anonymous asked: “I’m unhappy with my writing and recently I’ve been trying to mimic a writer’s style. What can I do to change this and hopefully further boost my own writing style instead of copying others writers styles?”

Growing up I used to hear so many writers talk about “finding their voice” like there was something out there about their writing that they would one day just discover and feel great about. Years later, I don’t think it’s all that absurd.

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Hired

Just wanted to try my hand at writing out a dumb speculation of mine of how Flug and Black Hat met.

(Also, I’m headcannoning Flug’s age to be around early 30s, so this would be taking place around 10 years ago)

AND I DON’T CARE IF I’M BEING REPETITIVE, IM'MA SCREAM THIS OUT FOR THE WORLD TO HEAR: Thank you all SOOOOO much for all the support, your awesome comments in the tags, all that jazz!!! It really does mean so much and is super motivating! ❤

Also, that awkward moment when you’ve been typing Black Hat’s name wrong this whole time, and kind of always realized it, but just never bothered fixing it till now. Is that just me? Yeah, probably

Previous works in chronological order: Lovestarved, Trial & Trust, Deeper Than Skin, A Small Solace

———————-

So this is how I die.

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4

Addicted appreciation week: day three x favorite book

With the six of us on this hill and the packed lake house behind us– I feel sentiments far beyond this sunrise, this morning, this moment. We filled an empty house.
    I’m thirty seven.
    Just yesterday I was twenty and meeting some of these people– people that i’d spend my life with, that’d become my home.
   Just yesterday I was twenty– still deeply and desperately in love with my best friend.
                                                               I grew older.
                                                            We all grew older.

In a blink of an eyes, our children will grow old too.
And i’ll think: just yesterday they were twenty. Headed for college. Falling in love. Memories will flood behind us, the lake house no longer filled to the brim. As quiet as the moment we first walked in– and we’ll sit on this hill. Feeling the stillness that exists. 
                                       And then we end– we end where we started.
                                                                  Just us.
                                                               All six of us.

insp.

Nightmares

Originally posted by princessofauradon

Prompt: Hiya can you do a carlos x reader imagine where they’re dating and carlos has been having nightmares of his mom and he goes to her room and cuddles with her and the rest of the day he’s super clingy but she doesn’t mind one bit and wants to take care of him because she loves him?

A/N: I love this prompt so much!! I’m so sorry that I didn’t add the super clingy part, but I just feel like I did a terrible job at writing it.

Word Count: 646

Carlos was finally happen in Auradon. He was finally free of his mother’s emotional, mental, and sometimes even physical abuse. He could finally do things without being under a constant fear of displeasing his mother. In Auradon, Carlos finally got over his fear of dogs and realized that they are not rabid pack animals that eat little boys who don’t behave, like his mom had told him. He had the nerve to talk to (Y/N), the daughter of Anita and Roger Radcliffe, after he realized that even though her parents were the enemies of his mom, she and her parents were not the bad people that Cruella had lead Carlos to believe. Carlos and (Y/N) are now happily dating and have been for a couple a months now.

Carlos had recently been having nightmares about the Isle and dreaming that he’s back living with his mom. Usually he can deal with it, but tonight was too terrifying to ignore.

His nightmare was that he was back in the Isle, as per usual, but this time (Y/N) was on the Isle too. The problem was that he had lost (Y/N) and she has never been on the Isle before. Suddenly, he heard something that sounded like a girl screaming. He then realized that it was  (Y/N) who was screaming a high pitched scream that would haunt Carlos forever. He started running towards the sounds of (Y/N)’s tortured screams, then full on sprinting as they continued to get louder in his head, taunting him. When he finally finds where the screams are coming from, Carlos freezes. In front of him, his mother has (Y/N) by the neck against the wall. Cruella is full-on torturing (Y/N) by way of punching, slapping, kicking, and any other way of inducing harm to (Y/N) she could think of in her psychotic and deranged mind. Carlos tried to run forward but couldn’t. He screamed and screamed, but it was like he was frozen in place, unable to save the love of his life away from the most feared person in his life.

Carlos shot straight up and woke up sweating and shaking like crazy. He looked around trying to figure out where he was. He feared that he was back at the Isle, but after a few seconds, Carlos finally realized that he safe in his dorm in Auradon and his nightmare was not real. Carlos starts to crawl out of bed and decides to go to (Y/N)’s room just to make sure she was still ok. Carlos slowly opens her door and she’s her peacefully sleeping.

He almost turns around and leaves until he hears “Carlos?” He turns back around and sees (Y/N) sitting up in her bed. “What’s wrong Carlos?’

“I had a nightmare about you and I just wanted to come and make sure you were ok,” Carlos said, sniffling in order to try and hide his tears from you.

“I’m ok Carlos. Do you want to come cuddle with me? It might make you feel better,” you say softly, trying not to wake your roommate, Lonnie, up. Carlos sniffles again and nods his head and then starts to walk over to your bed. When he gets there, you move over slightly and make sure he has enough room. Once he gets into bed with you, he wraps his arms around your stomach and makes sure to not let you go. Carlos had finally stopped tearing up as soon as he was able to physically feel him. You love being able to help him through his traumatic past with his mother.

“I love you Carlos,” you say snuggling into him and placing your head on his chest.

“I love you too (Y/N), forever and always,” Carlos replies while slowly beginning to fall into a pleasant sleep.

anonymous asked:

Looking at the knives circle scene, caught my attention that J has that lightbulb turned on when the daylight perfectly enters the room. Meaning that he has spent all night there and continued until morning :(

Great observation! My poor baby J.

There’s a lot of interesting things in the knife scene that I’ve been dying to talk about. So if you don’t mind, I’d like to do an analysis on the knife circle scene.

Before we start, can we just take a moment to appreciate that Joker made Harley a ring?

The ring is so meticulously placed, you know something’s wrong if Joker is making order instead of chaos.

First, the knives are all facing Joker. Now, I know in the Novelization it basically says that Joker is about to slit his throat before Frost comes through the door. So the knives being pointed at him could be a representation of his suicidal state. Btw, I just realized what those white and black wood pieces are and they are the keys to the flipped over white piano. Did everyone else realize that immediately? Am I just stupid? Probably so.

ANYWAY

Let’s look at the actually circle itself. 

The lamp is closest to him along with some kind of drink and a gun. As the Novel says, Joker is “drunk and miserable” in this scene. So I don’t think it’s rocket science to say that the drink he has is filled with alcohol. 

In my opinion, I think this circle represents what Joker thinks represents Harley the most. First, she’s deadly, as represented by the knives. Row two is the ripped out piano keys to which I’ve just thought of this theory now: The piano keys being ripped from the piano could mean that Joker used to play the piano for Harley (or maybe Harley played the piano?) and J just couldn’t stand the sight of the piano so he ripped it apart to add to his ring. His circle of Harley. 

Then a lot of things at once for the outer ring; guns, roses, champagne, green bags (drugs?), Joker cards, etc. 

Does this represent Harley’s unpredictability and Harley herself? Perhaps. 

Or is it to represent how much Joker is willing to sacrifice to get Harley back? It’s no secret that Joker is a rich man but this seems to be most if not all of his weapons. He’s saying without speaking that he’s willing to use all of his weapons, his money, his power to get Harley back. At any cost, he’s getting her back. Hell hath no fury like when Joker gets Harley taken away, you know what I mean? 

Now to the outer circle, notice how the flower part of the roses are turned away from him. I think this is a subtle message saying that Joker and Harley both prefer violence over romance, but the only person Joker would be romantic to is Harley and vice versa. But also notice how the roses are pointed towards Harley’s pictures.What are roses the symbol of?  

“Roses can be used as a symbol of romantic promise, hope and new beginnings.” (x

“Long associated with beauty and perfection, red roses are a time-honored way to say ‘I love you’….there’s no better way than a bouquet of red roses to express your feelings.” (x) 

I see you, Mr. J. I see you. 

This is the best image I could find of the computers and iPads but those are definitely pictures of Harley and (maybe??) Harley’s criminal record. I’m pretty sure one of them is this picture.  

The cute part is I’m pretty positive that those are Joker cards around her pictures. So J is trying everything in his power to get back to him. Even if it’s just a picture and a card. Adorable desperate clown boyfriend. 

Now I know you are probably thinking ‘WHAT ABOUT THE BABY CLOTHES?!1?!!?” Well since I personally don’t like the idea of Joker and Harley having a baby (don’t hate me) I’m going to agree with what Jared said, “There are some things better left to the imagination, but if you look closely, you’ll find quite a few little toys and trinkets and items there, and you know, I think the Joker probably collects some things in a way a serial killer may keep a locket of your hair or a couple of your fingernails.” (x)

Does it mean that Joker has killed babies? Maybe, he’s done worse in the comics. 

Also I’ve seen many people say that J’s outfit and mannerisms in this scene is very reminiscent of this scene where Joker cries on his knees in front of Harley. Let me say that again, Joker cries on his knees to Harley. This Joker crying scene is in the same comic where it is implied that Joker skins a man alive for looking at Harley at a strip club. Interesting that those events are kind of played out in Suicide Squad. Seeing as Joker is so sad in this scene that he has to draw a smile on his face and in the club scene he shoots Monster T for looking/flirting with Harley.

I’ve said this before, but I want to say it again. I’ve seen some people say that’s a tear on J’s cheek when he says “Where is she?” But I fully believe that it is a scar. Joker has a vertical scar under his eye which I think is catching the light and I think that is being mistaken for a tear.

Thanks! Happy Holidays!!

frittzz  asked:

Apart of fanfic, what books or authors you prefer ?

Oooh, thanks for this question. This is for everyone:

I read a lot of genres, to be honest. But because of the style I use and type of fanfics I write, I find it especially helpful to read a lot of “juvenile” fiction. This kind of books is usually frowned upon since critics (and people that like to think of themselves as superior to everyone else) believe that they have nothing good to offer. And while I won’t deny that a big part of this genre’s too basic and in some cases, it’s even badly-written, I think there are tons of incredible novels out there.

So, my first big series was Harry Potter. I started reading it on my own when I was 6, and I read every book as it got out. So, even though in time I’ve come to realize that there are so many things Rowling did wrong (I think of her as a 6/10 author, honestly; I don’t think she’s particularly good at her job), this entire saga is one of my favorites. I read them all in order once a year during my winter break, and it never disappoints me.

I have The Complete Series edition in my bookcase, in English, and with all that fantastic art by Kazu Kibuishi. I just love it.

A couple of years ago I was going on a 20 hours road trip in a car, and I wanted to have something to read during those boring hours, so I went to a bookstore near my house and started looking for something interesting to read. I decided to buy “The Lightning Thief” by Rick Riordan, and HOLY SHIT.

The first thing I did when I got to the new town (I kid you not), was going to the closest bookstore and buy the other 4 books of the Percy Jackson and the Olympians saga. I devoured them in a week or two. Since then I’ve bought the other 5 books of the Heroes of Olympus saga, the trilogy of The Kane Chronicles, the first book of Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard and the first book of The Trials of Apollo, all of them by Rick Riordan and all part of his amazing universe. So I have 15 books from good ol’ Rick.

Well, that’s because Rick Riordan is my favorite author of all time, and I try my hardest to imitate his style, even though I add some of my personal touches. Too bad they fucked up the movies (TOTALLY NOT HIS FAULT, HE HATES THEM TOO), if they did justice to them they could have a Cinematic Universe that would give Marvel a run for their money.

IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THE PERCY JACKSON SAGA BUY IT AND DO IT NOW.

(also, @viria , one of my favorite artist out there, is doing the official art for Riordan’s page, which is awesome)

But my ALL TIME FAVORITE BOOK SAGA is…

*drums*

Memorias de Idhún, by Laura Gallego García.

I don’t know if there’s an English version of them. I suppose there is, and I hope there is since this 6 book saga is the best thing I’ve ever read in my life. So many plot lines without feeling confusing, so many interesting twists, so much romance (the love triangle here is like nothing you’ve ever seen, I bet you $500 you’ve never read anything like it), SO MUCH FRICKING AWESOME ACTION. It has magic, it has Gods, it has new races, it has dragons, it has a wonderful world, it has prophecies, it has… IT HAS EVERYTHING!

Look it up and read it, if you can. You won’t be disappointed.

(this is an image of the comic, but check out the novels)

Avengers Chatroom: Whose Side Are You On?

Requested by @ashby943

Pairings: Steve x f!reader

Scenario: Look out, it’s James “Mr steal your girl” Barnes.


Y/N has created a chatroom.

Y/N has invited Nat, Wanda, Tony, Thor, Vision.

Y/N: Hey

Y/N: Let’s say, hypothetically, that I wasn’t paying attention during the mission briefing (blame Steve and his too tight shirts), is anyone willing to give me notes on the mission?

Y/N: Guys this is important. Steve is questioning me on the mission

Y/N: WHAT DO I SAY

Y/N: HE IS STARTING TO CATCH ON

Y/N: HELP ME

Y/N: NONE OF YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH HIM BUT I DO, I WON’T HEAR THE END OF THIS

Y/N: So ya’ll just gonna let me go down like this?

Ollie’s Olives has joined the chat.

Ollie’s Olives: Hi Ma’am, what can I get you today?

Y/N: I think you have you wrong Chat…?

Ollie’s Olives: No. May I take your order?

Y/N: You do realize that this isn’t a restaurant… right?

Ollie’s Olives: I am trying a different approach to get more customers. Our delivery is free.

Y/N: What’s on the menu?

Ollie’s Olives: Olives.

Y/N: I should’ve guessed.

Ollie’s Olives: Fried olives, pickled olives, olive salad, sauteed olives, olive burger, olive tapenade, olive frittata, olive bites. I specialize in all things olive.

Y/N: I can see that… I’m not really hungry.

Ollie’s Olives: I will give you a discount.

Y/N: Maybe another time.

Ollie’s Olives: Please

Ollie’s Olives: My mother was murdered right in front of me by a friend that was supposed to be dead

Ollie’s Olives: My sister is actually the daughter of the man who has tried to kill me. She has anger issues now.

Ollie’s Olives: My close friend and ex girlfriend was also murdered in front of me thanks to said man.

Ollie’s Olives: My son that I didn’t know about was kidnapped

Ollie’s Olives: My fiancee was shot because of me. She couldn’t walk afterwards. But when she did eventually walk she took her first steps out of my life.

Ollie’s Olives: I’ve been attacked countless times by criminals

Ollie’s Olives: I was stranded on an island for years

Ollie’s Olives: My family, once wealthy, has lost everything.

Ollie’s Olives: Please buy some olives.

Y/N: Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Sure I’ll take a dozen of everything!

Ollie’s Olives: Payment will open in another window. Thank you. SO MUCH.

Ollie’s Olives has left the chat.

Tony: Why did you use my credit card to buy so many olives?!?!

Y/N: Because you’re rich. I hope you like olives.

Tony: I DON’T.

Y/N: Well maybe you should have helped me out earlier on!

Tony: NOT MY FAULT YOU OGLE YOUR BOYFRIEND ALL THE TIME!

Y/N: LIKE YOU DON’T?!

Wanda: Everyone calm down, please. Y/N I will explain the mission to you. Pietro was using my phone so I couldn’t reply. Also Pietro said he will try some of the olives.

Y/N: At least someone appreciates my gesture of buying olives!

Tony: TECHNICALLY I BOUGHT THEM!

Steve has joined the chat.

Steve: Tony stop annoying my girlfriend.

Tony: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! FAVORITISM!

Steve has added Bucky.

Y/N: Hey, Bucky.

Bucky: Hi Doll :)

Steve: Oh Y/N, before I forget. Do you still want to go to that new restaurant tonight?

Y/N: Yes! I heard they make the best pizza ever.

Bucky: Cool, I’m in.

Steve: Buck… This is kind of a date between Y/N and I…

Bucky: I like pizza.

Y/N: This will be great! The three of us! Just like old times.

Tony has added Bruce, Sam, T’Challa.

Tony: Look at this. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. You see it too?

Sam: Someone is a little green, and it’s not Bruce.

T’Challa: No shame.

Bucky: I heard hand holding helps with PTSD.

Bucky: Y/N we should hold hands.

Nat: That’s not true.

Wanda: Where the hell did you hear that?

Sam: That’s a pretty good line. I’m going to use it.

Steve: Why can’t I hold your hand if it “helps with PTSD”?

Bucky: Y/N has softer hands.

Steve: But what if I want to hold her hand?

Y/N: Then I’ll hold both of your hands…? My best friend and my boyfriend!

T’Challa: … oh my.

Thor: I am uncomfortable. Someone put a stop to this.

Steve: But… I want to be the only one to hold your hand, Y/N. Sorry Buck. Maybe you can hold Sam’s hand.

Sam: Hell no.

Y/N: Hey maybe we can go for a movie after dinner?

Bucky: I am sure Steve won’t be able to understand so he can go home after and we can go for the movie.

Steve: I will understand!

Nat: Bucky why don’t you give Y/N and Steve some space?

Bucky: I do give them space! What’s wrong with friends hanging out?

Nat: Nothing… except when one is third wheeling.

Bucky: I am not!

Steve: You are.

Y/N: No, Bucky isn’t!

Bucky: SEE!

Tony: Ugh.

Steve: So… What movie do you want to watch with Y/N and I, Buck?

Bucky: Never mind.

Steve: Don’t be like that.

Bucky: No it’s fine. It’s not like you get to spend 24/7 with her.

Steve: We live together. She’s MY girlfriend.

Bucky: She’s MY best friend.

Y/N: Do you want to move in with us, Bucky? That would be so much fun! We could spend more time together!

Steve: Uh, no! Can’t you see what he’s doing?!

Y/N: No?

Bucky: It’s fine Y/N.

Y/N: I’m sorry if I haven’t spent enough time with you Buck. I’ll make it up to you!

Nat: You know Y/N, I trained you myself. You’re one of the best agents there is. You’re able to read into situations and pick out tiny details and piece them together… So why can’t you see that Bucky is jealous?

Bucky: I am not jealous!

Sam: Exactly what a jealous person would say.

Y/N: No he isn’t! That’s crazy.

Thor: Mayhap Lady Y/N is in denial.

T’Challa: And so is Barnes.

Tony: Well I think Y/N and Barnes should just get together.

Wanda: No! Y/N loves Steve!

Vision: Barnes is more fun however.

Nat: Steve is more of a gentleman!

Y/N: Actually…

Bruce: Please don’t finish that. What happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom.

Y/N: Well…

Bruce: Goodbye.

Bruce has left the chat.

Bucky:

Tony: Barnes, go get the girl.

Sam: No. Y/N and Steve are soulmates.

Steve: Can everyone stop discussing this?!

Bucky: No, continue. I’d like to know what they have to say.

Y/N: Why do you want me to be with Bucky? I’m with Steve and Bucky doesn’t like me in that way!

T’Challa: You’d be surprised.

Y/N: I have to go, someone thought it would be funny to use their telekinesis and float white sheets around AGAIN.

Steve: Be safe, I love you.

Bucky: Be extra safe, I love you MORE.

Y/N has left the chat.

Steve: You love her MORE?

Bucky: What? She’s my best friend. Nothing wrong with that.

Tony: TEAM BUCKY

Nat: TEAM STEVE

Tony: YOU WANNA GO, YOU ARACHNID?!

Nat: DON’T MAKE ME ELECTROCUTE YOU!

Vision: I too am Team Bucky, but is there a need for violence?

Thor: How else will this be settled? Team Steven!

Thor: VISION GIVE ME BACK MJOLNIR!

Tony: DON’T LET HIM HAVE IT, VISION!

Vision has left the chat.

Thor has left the chat.

Tony has added Peter, Scott.

Tony: TEAM BUCKY OR STEVE?!

Scott: STEVE! WHY ARE WE SHOUTING AND ARE ON TEAMS?

Peter: TEAM BUCKY!

Nat has added Clint.

Nat: Who is better for Y/N? Steve or Bucky?!

Clint: Bucky! He lets me pull pranks unlike Steve!

T’Challa: You are atrocious, Clint. Steve is far superior.

Clint: Oh you know my name? I thought you didn’t care!

T’Challa: Don’t flatter yourself, I don’t.

Clint: FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW.

T’Challa: WITH PLEASURE.

T’Challa has left the chat.

Clint has left the chat.

Steve: This is getting out of hand. All of you, cut it out!

Scott: … STEVE ALL THE WAY!

Peter: But Bucky has beautiful eyes!

Scott: STEVE’S EYES ARE LIKE THE OCEAN!

Bucky: Okay this is getting creepy now. Stop.

Scott: PETER IS SHOOTING HIS DISGUSTING WEBS AT ME!

Scott has left the chat.

Peter: TEAM BUCKY FOREVER.

Peter has left the chat.

Nat: Tony where are you?

Tony: Why…?

Wanda: He’s in the kitchen.

Nat has left the chat.

Tony has left the chat.

Wanda: If you hear screaming, don’t worry. It’s just Tony.

Wanda has left the chat.

Bucky: Steve, I’m sorry for how I was acting. It’s just going to take me some time to get used to.. you know.

Steve: It’s okay Buck. I understand.

Sam: It’s good that you two are fine with each other but what about everyone else? They are fighting each other. I ALMOST GOT HIT ON THE HEAD BECAUSE I WAS IN THE WAY!

Steve: Oh it’s dinner time. Ready Buck? We’ll pick Y/N up on the way.

Sam: You two can’t just leave! It’s chaos! Stop them!

Bucky: I am starving. Let’s go punk.

Steve: After you, jerk.

Sam: SOMEONE IS GOING TO GET HURT!

Bucky has left the chat.

Steve has left the chat.

Sam: WAIT CAN SOMEONE ALSO EXPLAIN AS TO WHY TONY IS THROWING AROUND OLIVES AND WHY DOES HE HAVE SO MANY?!?

Sam has left the chat.

I Have Loved You

Words: 921
SONG FIC: A Thousand Years - Christina Perri
Tony Stark X Reader:
Request: Lol… you know what’s up hahah. Can I request Tony x reader. The song A Thousand Years. Of course I leave the rest to you. But fluff please I’ve been feeling very down lately. Thank You :)”  -@TonyStarksGirl 


Heart beats fasts. Colors and promises. How to be brave? How can I love when I’m afraid to fall? Watching you stand alone, all of my doubt, suddenly goes away somehow. One step closer.

It seemed impossible, but there he was. Tony Stark, in the flesh. They’d told you he died, and legally he was still dead. The company, more specifically Obadiah Stane, had pronounced him legally dead. What else could they do? He’d been gone for three agonizing months. But Tony Stark wasn’t done surprising the world just yet. You watched as Colonel Rhodes escorted your billionaire best friend down the ramp of the military plane they’d both flown in on.  You’d known each other practically your whole lives, but you had never been so happy to see him as you were in that moment. Despite what everyone had been telling you for so long, Tony Stark was alive.

I have died everyday, waiting for you. Darling don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I’ll love you for a thousand more.

Keep reading

Trouble Man [3b]

Summary: James Buchanan Barnes. King of L.A. Feared by all, loathed by many, loved by few. He can get just about everything, and everyone, he wants. Except you. [70s mobster bucky au]

Part One Part Two Part Three [a]

Pairings: Bucky x Reader / Pietro x Reader / Bucky x Natasha / Steve x Sharon [there is a lot going on in this fic ok]

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of alcohol and drugs


Part Three[b]: Boogie Nights

Keep reading

on mello ‘sacrificing’ himself

I used to think that Mello didn’t intend on dying, but it just seems out of character for him to ‘accidentally’ show Takada his face when he already knew that his name was going around. He knew that Kira was connected to the whole event at the warehouse where his name first came out, so he must have known Kira had his name; and since he knew Takada was connected to Kira, he had to know that she probably had his name. 

Furthermore, he had to consider the possibility that his plan (whatever it really was) may have not worked– that something went wrong and Takada unexpectedly got away, and that the second she got away she would kill him. Mello’s a genius and it would be too stupid of him to ‘accidentally’ show his face to her like that– anyone with a brain could think much. 

So, if he really intended on dying, it would’ve been a pride thing. He knew he couldn’t surpass L on his own. After the explosion, he lost all of his resources and was left with just Matt. From that point on, he knew Near was going to confront Kira very, very soon and he knew that he couldn’t capture Kira alone. I’m not sure if I believe that Mello considered the possibility of a fake notebook, but if he had, then he understood that whether his suspicions were right or wrong, it was still a lose-lose situation. 

If he was wrong about there being a fake notebook, Mello loses because Near was right, there was no flaw in his plan and he would apprehend Kira before him. If he was right about there being a fake notebook, Mello loses because Kira would win, killing Near and his team, and Mello wouldn’t be able to apprehend Kira on his own. 

Both possibilities, Mello is unable to defeat Kira by himself (which I believe the whole putting-down-chocolate-being-sad scene is about; his realization of this). 

Apparently he would rather die than admit to Near that he can’t solve this case alone. Even though theoretically, through figuring out the flaw in his plan, he beat Near, who was too arrogant to consider the possibility that he could be wrong (IF he even figured out the possibility in the first place. Halle thinks so. Near doesn’t but Near’s belief isn’t stated in the anime and Halle’s is, so idfk). 

Anyway, kidnapping Takada is Mello’s way of mocking Near by means of showing him that he would have lost whilst helping him to defeat Kira at the same time. Talk about going out with a bang. 

But at the same time, it doesn’t seem like Mello’s style to purposefully die. He likes credit. He likes attention. He wants to be the best, so why would he kill himself after essentially winning? Maybe realizing that he could never fully surpass L on his own was too much for him, and that he would rather die than work with Near – he left the orphanage for that much. I don’t think he’s prideful enough to WANT to die, but at the same time, he could have always just told Near about the possibility of a fake notebook. Instead, he chose to risk his life in order to shove it in Near’s face. I’d say that’s pretty prideful, so maybe he did want to die. 

Or maybe this whole ramble is completely wrong, because instead of realizing the possibility of a fake notebook, he realized that Near was going to win and kidnapped Takada as a desperate, impulsive, last minute thing– something for which he’s known to do. 

All and all, I think this all boils down to opinion, but either way, I do believe that he heavily considered the possibility he would die in his kidnapping stunt. 

I never understood words, and maybe that has to do with the fact that I can barely read without them getting out of order, sometimes everything looks like alphabet soup. Instead, I turned to colors and learned to mix tears with paint just to see what color they’d create. One day I cut my wrists open to see if watercolor really did flow through these veins, but all I got were pills. I was simply tired of everyone telling me I had it wrong, when you learn to paint with every tone you realize that grey is just another color, because sometimes you can drink yellow paint and never reach happiness just ask Van Gogh. So if my crayon box only consisted of blue I wouldn’t mind, it’s a reminder of you. So I’ll just continue to paint these thoughts into my art like flowers pressed into books, and tucked away until it’s shipped to you with a tag reading
—  open me.