i just noticed a mistake and i probably fixed it too late: the story of my life

Candids [Jason x Photojournalist!Reader]

A/N: Soz about not getting this up right away and I apologize even more in advance if this was shite. This is my second draft and a repost (due to errors) so I hope it’s alright. 

Y/N = your name.

One perk that came with being a freelance photojournalist meant you got to take cool candids for your blog. One perk that came with being a freelance photojournalist in Gotham, meant you got to take cool candids of the city’s very own vigilantes in action for your very dedicated blog.

People often asked you why you didn’t work with any of the news agencies like Gotham Gazette or GNN but you had, as an intern and you hated the working conditions. You were on call 24/7 and your deadlines were tight and sometimes you were out for hours following the action. Instead, you ended up selling some of your photos to them whenever they need material.

Now you worked on your own terms and your blog was decently successful. People from all over read your articles and shared your work, even though it was mostly just you gushing professionally about Batman and his group of birds and bats.

You had gotten a cold from lack of sleep and a stakeout at the docks from last week so you hadn’t been keeping up your blog, but the feeling of drowsiness and constant hacking of your lungs had lessened over the past few days so you decided it was time to get back into the kick of things.

Talk on social media said Nightwing was apparently back in town so you wanted to try and get some good shots of him before he went back into hiding. With your gear bag, you headed out for your hunt.

Two hours had passed on your stakeout and so far, all you had were a couple shots of the Pioneer’s bridge from your spot. You looked around through your camera and noticed someone sitting on the ledge of the clock tower a few blocks from you. You couldn’t tell who it was but you were hoping it was Nightwing.

You drove over and located the back door, instantly regretting your decisions when you noticed how many flights of stairs you had between you and your destination.

“The things I do for my blog…” You sighed as you tried to quicken up your pace before you missed Nightwing. The door to rooftop was alright slightly ajar so you quietly pushed it open to see if someone was still out there and to your surprise, they were.

You had been hoping it was Nightwing, but it wasn’t. It was the Red Hood in all his glory, sitting next to the gargoyle. He was dressed in his usual leather jacket and red helmet. He looked to almost be, pondering about something. You quickly uncapped your camera and got your angle right but what you had forgotten to do was turn off your flash.

You should have been more careful but it was too late to fix your mistake because the bright light had caught the vigilante’s attention and before you knew it, you were being held at gun point. The Red Hood stood against the ledge he was previously occupying with a gun aimed directly at you.

You let out a yelp of surprise as your camera fell against your abdomen and your hands came up in surrender.

“WHO ARE YOU AND WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?” The Red Hood shouted as you tried to take a step back. That was your second mistake because he clicked off the safety lock of his gun and you knew if you dared to move another muscle, the next click wouldn’t be the safety lock returning to place.

You had heard the stories of the Red Hood and although it seemed less terrifying over your computer screen, you were nearly wetting your pants at the sheer thought of what he could do. “I-I don’t work for anyone! I’m a freelance journalist!”

“A what?” He asked and you trembled in your spot.

“A freelance journalist, I take photos of Gotham’s vigilantes and write articles about you guys on my blog.” You replied as you tried to sound brave but that wall came tumbling down as the masked vigilante walked up to you, gun still pointed. You whimpered as you closed your eyes.

Is this how you were going to die? Is this what they call “death on the job” because you’re not sure whether this is how you wanted to go.

You were sure he was going to blow your brain to mush with a click of the trigger but instead, you heard a slight snort and the gun being put back into his holster.

You opened your eyes slowly and looked up at the man in front you. You only ever got shots of him from far away but wow, was he ever tall and bulky…

“So you’re a fan? I didn’t know I had those.” He crossed his arms across his chest, adorned in with the red bat symbol.

“Y-yeah?” You wanted to tell him how he was quite well-liked within the community of readers on your blog but your voice faded out before you had the chance. You stood up a little straighter and gave a tiny cough. “My readers quite like you. They question your ethics but I might have accidentally swayed their opinions from that…”

“You’ve written articles about me?”

You were a bit taken back by the question but you nodded anyway, “Well, you are a vigilante, are you not?”

He thought about it for a second before chuckling, “I think I’m more of the anti-hero.”

You cocked your head to the side, capping your camera as you waited for an answer.

“I kill people and last I checked, everyone else sort of just injures them or knocks ‘em out for the cops to deal with.”

“But you’re still doing for the city, even if it’s not ethical… per say, you still get rid of the bad guys.” Red Hood shrugged in response.

The two of you stood in awkward silence for a couple seconds before he spoke up. “Do you have any cool candids of me to share?” You looked up in surprise and all though you couldn’t see his face, it sounded like he was smiling.

The two of you walked over to the ledge and you went through your camera, showing him the photos you had of him on your memory card. He took the time to admire them and ask about your job. It didn’t come as a surprise that he was a nice guy, but his funny personality kind of did. He joked around with you and even shared a few laughs and by the end of the night, you had long forgotten about why you even came up here in the first place.

He didn’t talk much about himself except how he died once and this was one of his favourite places to come when he wanted time alone to think or take up the view of the city, although he was very adamant you did not disclose that information to anyone. You zipped your lip and threw the invisible key, to which he laughed at.

Depicting body language came with the job as a writer and from the way he moved when he talked about himself, you could take from that the life of being an “anti-hero” was pretty lonely. You wanted to ask him for his opinion about relationships as a vigilante but thought better than to impede on his personal life.

He also took the time to apologize for holding you at gun point but you just brushed him off telling him you should be the one apologizing for trying to sneak up on him like that.

The two of you just hung out side by side as you took some quick photos of the view. Out of your peripheral vision, you could see Red Hood trying to take subtle glances at you, but you pretended not to notice. He was probably looking at something else or still tense from you sneaking up on him. After all, he was trained to be wary and vigilant of people and surroundings.

“Uh, I should probably head home to write my article… Plus you have a city to protect and all.” You smiled awkwardly as you packed up your stuff.

“Yeah, thank you for keeping me company.” Red Hood nodded along before looking around. “Do you have a safe way home?”

“I got my car downstairs.” You pointed your thumb at the door and started walking backward. “I guess I’ll see you around, don’t die again!”

The two of you shared a nod and you left. A hand came up to your chest as you bent over to breathe once the door was closed. Really? Don’t die again? Who the hell says that to a guy who once died? You couldn’t be more mortified at your choice of words, and before you could think anymore, you ran down the steps of the creepy stairs and got in your car to leave.

You spent the remainder of the night writing your article in your dimly lit apartment about how lonely the crime-fighting life can get. You could only assume how hard it was to find love and keep up relationships when you had bad guys going after you and your job consisted of putting yourself on the cusp of death every night. You wrote your thoughts down and checked it for errors before attaching the slightly edited photo of the Red Hood sitting next to his favourite gargoyle, Francis as he called it, before publishing it.

Over the course of the next few days, reads and comments poured in on your post, some agreeing with you and others asking where you got your “source” from. Many were amazed at how close and personal the photo was, stopping in the comments to ask if you knew him personally. You couldn’t address the last two so you just left them as it was and carried on with your other stuff.

The next time you saw him, you were catching Red Hood taking down a few thugs in Crime Alley. The photos worked out beautifully and you were just about to leave your spot in the alley across when he noticed your camera peeking out. The two of you stared at each other for a split second before you ran out the other side of your alley and drove off. The time after that, he was fighting alongside Arsenal to stop a drug shipment down at the docks. That one was a difficult scene to capture and just when you thought you had a good photo, you realized he had caught you once again and this time gave you a thumbs up in your photo. The fight was getting bad and the sound of more men coming scared you off.

You were still a little embarrassed about your awkward departure so you tried to make sure you always left before the fight was over, to avoid contact with him.

Tonight was a stakeout night so you were back at the rooftop a few blocks from the clock tower. The one that gave you a good view of his gargoyle. It was around two in the morning when you thought you had seen him perched in his usual spot tonight, but when you brought your camera up to your face, the figure was gone.

You were slightly disappointed. You took quite a liking to the red helmet wearing vigilante, but of course, you couldn’t come forth with that kind of confession to someone you didn’t really know and after your awkward departure, you really couldn’t work up the guts to face him again.

You were scoping out the rooftops through your camera, panning over for any signs of the bright red helmet when you turned to the side and yelped as the familiar red bat symbol had come into a close-up view. You let your camera fall against you as you bent over to catch your breath and calm your heartbeat. “Now I know how that feels.”

A chuckle came from him, slightly muffled from his mask but nonetheless loud enough for you to catch. He had his arms crossed over his chest as he stood in front of you. “Have you been avoiding me?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, I told you I kept a safe distance from the action. I don’t want to get involved.” You defended yourself as you packed up.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of, I would protect you if someone else caught you.” The cocky attitude was laced in his words and you couldn’t help but blush.

“Why waste your time?”

“Because who else is going to take sexy candids of me during my fights if Gotham lost their best photojournalist?” He leaned up against the ledge of the building as you stopped for a moment. “I read your article by the way. The one with me and the gargoyle.”

Your eyes widened as you blushed furiously, “And?”

“It was really well-written. You hit the nail right on the head.” He praised you and your heart swelled at his compliment. The Red Hood just complimented your work. The Red Hood read your work. “But to be honest, I wasn’t feeling all that lonely that night. I had you to talk to, and I quite enjoyed our time so it was a shame you never came back to visit. I was expecting you to when you said you would see me around.”

Your heartbeat echoed in your ears as you looked up to meet his masked eyes. “It looks like you’re closing shop for the night but if you get the chance next time, come visit Francis and I. If not, I’ll look for you myself.” And with that, he was gone. You heard him grapple away but you were still in shock from what he said to move.



Tagging: @a-fallen-little-pine-cone @cupoftim 

Complimentary Tag: @kindaace 

Winter Bones  [ Jeon Jungkook ] - 2/3

Originally posted by nelliel66


Rating : PG-15  | Pairing : Jungkook x Reader

Summary: SOULMATE AU!   “It won’t disappear, you know. The pain?” She added with a knowing smile as she gestured her chin towards his mark. Jungkook’s eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.  “It just gets less painful. But it won’t disappear.”

A.N : Set in the same universe as hymne à l'amour Let me know what you think! Not really proof-read to there may be some mistakes (Will edit more later)

P.S. This will be a 3 part story :D



Kim Taehyung quietly watched her wash dirty brushes on the sink, eyes following every movement intensively. [Y/N] had always been a weird kid, with her unapologetic attitude and eyes that seemed to hide millions of secrets. It was probably why they became such good friends since he saw her in art club during his high school year. She was the only person who understood him and who accepted him for who he is, scolding him whenever he doubted her sincerity. He felt a slight pang in his heart at the thought of her leaving him and finding a better friend, someone who wasn’t as handful as he was.

“What is it, Tae?”

Taehyung snapped out of his thoughts and looked up to find her sitting on an empty desk in front of him. She was wearing a nice short-sleeved t-shirt today and he could see her tattoos clearer with the sunlight beaming through the window. He fleetingly wondered if she would ever tell him about her soulmate’s name and why she was so scared to tell everyone about it.

“You’ve been hanging out with Jungkook a lot lately.” Taehyung quipped, pretending to be nonchalant and failing miserably.

Keep reading

temporaliter  asked:

after all the garbage, I mean 'news', we've been hearing about s7, do you have any fic recommendations? anything good you've read lately? I'm looking to erase the whole of s7 (and 6 and 5, too, if I'm honest) from my mind :P

Originally posted by britivana

I don’t know what this gif is, but it felt accurate. Here’s a quick list of fix its, old classics that have really stuck in my mind, and a bunch of new stuff. FIC AWAY.

Amazing fix-its season by season

Mickey Mantle vs. the T-Rex, by ZoePlacid, was written between s4 and s5 and it’s so incredibly well written and beautiful. It’s very sad, but hopeful in the best kinda realistic way. Ian/Mickey & Mandy working together.

Once a Gallagher, by merle_p. Great post season 5 fix it, the Gallaghers love Mickey and fight to keep him around. Ian fights for Mickey. Mickey & Lip bonding <3

We’re Not Scared & Familiar by MimiLaRue are two really brilliant post season 5 fix its that I love. Beautifully written and really lovely, and I’m a sucker for the tag ‘magical realism’. 

The New Year by LanJevinson (even though I haven’t read the second part yet because my fragile feels can’t handle it - I need to get a grip) are literally canon for me since I stopped watching the show.

Bunch o’ classic AU

The Halfway House by MintSauce is one of my early absolute favorites, it’s my fic equivalent to comfort food.

Rookie Mistakes by Delgay. Classic hockey AU is classic for a reason

Absolutely everything The Rat has written, but especially Flyboy and the Gearhead (space mechanic Mickey and pilot Ian and probably my favourite fic ever), Make the change (Mickey tries to get laid and Ian drives a cab, I think about this one a lot and my whole brain kinda hums it’s so good) & Test Run (I might be a lil biased, but this Star Wars AU is a triumph) <3 <3 <3 <3 like seriously 

I’d follow your love down a dead end street, by ZoePlacid, 10/10 makes me ugly-cry and 100% my favourite soulmate fic ever. 

Twenty-One, oh man, dystopian future AU. I haven’t read the last part (I have a problem, OK? I need to take my time with things that are long and emotional and brilliant) but yes. Vive la revolution.

Twelve Months. Y’all probably already read everything that Anomalously has written, and I could be recommending A World Alone or The Boyfriend Experience because they’re brilliant. But this is a short beautiful thing that I’ve re-read time and time again and it always makes me feel a little bit better about whatever ails me.

Eighty-four by kissteethstainred, I have a thing for numbers in titles. Judging by the number of kudos likely is you’ve read it, but hey. It’s time-traveling and kismet and a whole lot of warm feels, go on. Re-read it.

Ongoing and new stuff that are really great

Dealbreaker by Gemmavich, really nice AU about a bet but no unnecessary drama and a lot of sexual tension and feelings. (edit: argh I can’t believe I spaced on writing the author’s handle on this one and didn’t notice for so long, I suck)

Backdrifting, by Violet_Jones. Smart and funny about Ian and Mickey breaking up in season 3 and then reconnecting several years down the road.

Rhythm, by ObsidianQuill, is on its last chapter now, can you believe it? Mpreg, but also kind of a season 5 fix it and a really good one at that. 

Mickey Milkovich is Hot, by kubrickpotter, is a sexy, funny, properly well written smutty thing about everyone wanting a piece of Mickey (Carl just found a second dvd, this is gonna be goooood)

Hope is the thing with feathers, by Drago, super cute new AU, Ian buys a couple of birds and gets hung up on the guy selling them.

I’ll keep holding on by GaleTheSnail, canon compliant up to and including 6x1, wip about Mickey and Ian reconnecting after 8 years. Really good read so far.

Just a piece of paper, by PrettyCalypso. I’m slightly obsessed with this story? Mickey gets released early and because of a diagnosis agrees to marry Ian for insurance purposes. It’s a bit bleak, no-nonsense but hopeful, and probably not for everyone (totally get it if no one ever wants to read about Mickey being sick, ever) but I really, really like it.

Kiss your fist and punch me in the mouth by xSheepie. Boxing AU that’s looking real good so far. Mickey is a trainer and Ian has an older boyfriend who is probably about to get royally dumped.

It’s a deal, by shamelesstravesties, sweet high school AU escapism batman. Ian has a shitty boyfriend and, let’s face it, Mickey is irresistible. 

Feels like we only go backwards, by Violentsdelight. Mickey gets out and tries to figure out his life. I know I’ve read the first two chapters but I can’t remember if I’ve read more. I remember it seemed very promising!

The Ex by LivingInWonderland, Ian and Mickey reconnect in New York. It’s heavy on emotion and really takes its time to sort through and mend everything that happened in canon.

There’s probably a lot more but I need to stop at some point : (

Hey canon,

Originally posted by itsjoex


+masterlist +mobile masterlist +pillows masterpost

parts; (one) (two)

summary: you’re a struggling musician who dropped out of college. when your parents stop paying for your apartment, you end up getting evicted. luckily, you find someone who’s looking for a roommate through a mutual friend: calum.

word count: 1,417

warnings: none

author’s note: track the tag pillows ft calum for updates!!

You hated October. No, it wasn’t a small dislike; it was pure, passionate hate. The month seemed to be cursing you every year, consequently giving you bad luck and handing you shitty weekends. Last year, your boss kept asking you to work overtime with no extra pay. He was so resilient so you just agreed, pity swarming around you since he looked so worked up. This happened for the rest of October, up until Halloween when you noticed the cannabis in the back room that was the reason for his frequent red eyes. You found another job as a waitress in a café far away from the old one.

You couldn’t say that this month was shitty—it just started, after all. Though, from what you experienced so far, the curse of October seemed to be livelier than the last years. Your mother rejecting your call for help, getting kicked out, and rooming with two people you barely know.

And now, fuck, you were getting kicked out again. The fact that Michael kicked Calum out as well comforted you in the tiniest bit, because at least he wasn’t biased about this whole thing. Yet, it didn’t help the other fact that you were, no doubt, homeless.

Nevertheless, you understood why Michael needed the place for himself. Over dinner, in which he desperately asked you to join, Michael carefully proposed the inevitability of getting evicted out of his house. “Don’t hate me,” Michael pursed his lips.

As he was about to continue his unexpectedly long speech about mothers and being sorry about the whole thing, Calum cut him off. “We wouldn’t hate you. Right, Y/N?”

It was obvious that Calum was trying to include you in this whole roommate thing since he found your song-writing fiasco. There was a voice in the back of your mind, saying that he might be a little bit into you, but you ignored it (just like the other ten times the voice spoke.) You didn’t really know him enough, nor did he know you. Maybe it was just a Calum thing.

“Right,” You replied, looking skeptically at the raven-haired boy.

Michael cleared his throat, causing your gaze to land back on him. “My mother told me she was spending a few months here. She’s… coming two weeks from now. I’m really sorry, but she’ll flip once she finds out I have a roommate. I’ve tried asking her to leave sooner but she’s made up her mind. I really hope you don’t hate me for this, because you—”

“Michael,” Calum, once again, cut him off. “It’s okay, I’ll find another place. I completely understand.”

And they turned to you.

You couldn’t deny that you were kind of pissed, but you appreciated Michael’s gratitude of taking you in when you asked for help, so you didn’t really deserve to get mad. “It’s okay, really,” You said, so quiet that they almost couldn’t hear you. “I’ll just go back to my parents,”

Going back to your parents’ house was the last thing you wanted to do. You couldn’t handle the pressure that they constantly put on you as it was the reason you left in the first place. You’ll compromise, you thought to yourself, you always do.

It had been a week since Michael announced the bad news, and it was blatant that you were avoiding Michael and Calum as if they were the plague. They weren’t stupid enough to let it go unnoticed, which led to Michael over thinking as well as blame himself out of guilt. Calum just thought it was normal.

“Y/N?” Michael knocked on your door at exactly 8 pm. His voice was muffled with the door in between the two of you, but you noticed the tone of his voice—the same one he had used to tell you and Calum about the mom thing. “Can we talk?”

The thought of confrontation made blood rush to your cheeks, ears, neck, everywhere, and it made you nervous than anything else. You scanned your room as your eyes landed on the window a few feet from your bed. You could open it and run for your life, but where would you run to? More so, you would live with the guilt of leaving without a goodbye (and they’ll probably view you as a bitch if you did that.)

You leave your oh-so comfortable bed and opened the door with slightly clammy hands. “Yeah, of course.” You reply, not having the courage to look at his emerald eyes.

Michael clears his throat once again, walking over to your unmade bed and sitting on the space beside it. “Look,” He started, rubbing his tired eyes with the heel of his hand. If you didn’t notice the small ‘x’ on his middle finger before, you definitely noticed now. “I feel like shit kicking you and Calum out like that. But please understand that I need to do this—”

“Hey, no, no,” You let out a chain of rushed words, sitting beside him in record time. “It’s fine, I swear. It’s just that… I’m having a hard time lately and I didn’t want to burden you,” You quickly said, a sad smile forming on your face.

“We’re friends, Y/N. We’ve been friends since we met at The Nice Guy, and since we had coffee at the Starbucks at Twenty-fourth Street. You can tell me anything,”

Guilt ran through your veins as he says those sentences. You hadn’t bothered to even think about what his opinion was on your friendship. “We haven’t spoken in almost 3 months, Michael. I just didn’t want to be a bother,” You clarified, sighing. You subconsciously ran your hand through your hair, a nervous habit that you never seemed to get out of when you were a little kid. “I got more than I bargained for. Thank you, really, for letting me stay.”

“Are you okay?” Michael asked, catching you off guard.


“Like, what happened?” Michael licked his chapped lips. “If you don’t mind me asking,”

“Oh,” You pursed your lips, pulling your knees to your chest as you tried avoiding his emerald eyes once more. "You really don’t want to hear it,“

Michael raised his eyebrows in amusement. “I’m quite unpredictable, Y/N,” You sighed at his reply. “I’m all ears,”

“The second I hit 18, I ran away,” You started, leaning on the bed as the words left your mouth. “It’s cliché. My parents kept wanting me to do stuff I didn’t want to do, so I left. I write music, not entirely good, and—”

“You write music?” Michael questioned as a grin crept onto his face. “Me too! Wait a second,”

You barely had any time to respond as he was already on the way to his room, grabbing his worn out, hard-covered notebook off his messy bed and immediately running back to you. “What are you doing?” You asked as he took a seat across you, handing his notebook out. Reluctantly, you take it and open it, revealing his messy penmanship yet meaningful lyrics. You skim through it, occasionally finding it hard to read his handwriting. “The blood in my veins is made up of mistakes… Michael this is amazing,” You read, astonished at his songwriting. “You did this?”

“Calum helped, he’s really good, too,”

“Really? He doesn’t seem to be the writing type,” You joked, closing the notebook and handing it back to Michael. “It’s really good,”

Michael smiled at your genuine compliment, nodding once as he fixed his eyes on the cover. “You can continue your story if you want to,”

You pursed your lips, rubbing your eyes out of stress. “I write music. Call it a little girl’s dream, but I wanted to be a musician. You know, someone that dies happy because they spent their entire life living their dream,” Glancing over to Michael, you notice that he’s staring at you intently, but you chose to ignore it. “Things don’t go as planned, I guess,”

“I know how that feels,” Michael gave you a half-hearted smile, resting a comforting hand on your shoulder.

“And I think I’m gonna have to go back to my parents. Start college again and prepare myself for stress.”

“You don’t have to,” Michael hinted.

You raised your eyebrow at his unusual sentence, crossing your arms at his smiling face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Calum’s looking for a roommate, why don’t you take him up on that?

@des-zimbits tagged me  for an author self-rec ask meme (thanks bae) 

I was gonna complain I don’t have that many fics and some how I have 20 in this fandom alone whew 😪 

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers (◠‿◠✿)”

and these are in no particular order: 

1) the same songs with the same old rhymes - Check Please - Ransom/Lardo/Holster, background JackShit and BittyParse  

He hands her tea in the duckling mug he forgot to mail her last Christmas. He’d found it in a novelty shop in Ocean City late in August. She accepts it with shaky hands. Larissa inhales the steam harder than a toke after a long week. She takes a sip. Justin briefly wonders if it’s too hot; if the feeling of burning her tongue was still something that satisfied her sour moods.

It’s part one of the Grand Larsony series (that’s still going) and it’s probably the most I’ve spent on prose in a while. It’s second chance romance plus polyamory plus the angst of growing up and growing apart. 

2) Changing of the Seasons - South Park - Tweak/Kenny/Craig 

Kenny smiles brilliantly, and Tweek wonders if this is what Craig feels whenever they’re together.

Y’know when you break up with your long time boyfriend and then you realize later that you’re in love with him and his new lovemate? Yea that’s this fic. (major character death/reincarnation in this fic; it’s a running gag on this show that Kenny reincarnates all the time. I play with that as magical realism. it is mildly graphic) Also wow I love slow burn poly angst (this was also the shortest time I was in a fandom, the people I met were cool but the source material wasn’t holding my interest anymore) 

3) Peanut Butter Jelly and You - Check Please - Kent/Bitty/Jack 

Summers for Eric meant Kent. Hockey for Kent meant Jack. Home for Jack was this intangible concept he was still looking for. They had exactly three things in common: sports, sandwiches, and each other.

My fix-it au in which Kent is a Georgia boy, New York raised, and he finds his way back with the help of his two former best friends. (aka the longest fic I’ve ever finished and damn I have some good lines in there/people seem to like my Great Gatsby ref) 

4) Fade to Love - Check Please - Shitty/Kent,Shitty/Lardo, Lardo/Camilla 

They both push, but only so much. Like they’re scared of themselves or each other, or maybe both. Sometimes it feels like they’re standing on a crashing wave or a floor that’s bottoming out underneath them.

Wow look, I’m capable of polyamory that isn’t just a triad (ok that’s a lie because at some point Kent and Lardo do start dating). Y’know, I noticed in the Grand Larsony series that even though I love Shitty, I need him to make big mistakes. Not because I want to see him suffer, but because I feel like the fandom treats him very two-dimensionally (either as someone to be applauded or reduced to the embodiment of white guilt). And this is him and Kent falling into a relationship while figuring/unlearning toxic assumptions about realtionships.  Also, I’m so fucking excited for the sequel tbh.

5) The Mixed Tape - Check Please - Chowder/Nursey/Farmer/Dex 

Farmer was the world seen and unseen; she was everything that grounded and fortified him. Nursey was oceans, rivers, and streams; they had the depth to see more to life than meets the eye, and the simultaneously the shallow joy to take in every detail…If Chowder’s the ever-loving sun, then Dex is the moon—subdued and practical, but shinning every bit as bright.

This is part one of my soulmate verse. I’m incapable of writing writing JUST nurseydex or JUST charmer (although nurseycharmer is another story). And there’s a lot of little things that I’ve built up about Polyfarms over time that I think shine through here well. 

thanks for reading this and I will be tagging @yoursummerfrost@checkthanks@rushingsnowy@polyamorousparson​ and @buckywithegoodhair

Growing together, a defense of Jess Mariano and the Literati ship

I’ve seen a lot of different opinions about Jess Mariano and about his relationship with Rory. Some people think that Jess and Rory were meant to be, that Jess was a nice guy under all the attitude. Others think Jess was a complete jerk, hate him with Lorelei-levels of passion, and think that his relationship with Rory was borderline abusive.

Now, I definitely disagree with the abusive bit, but there are valid points to each argument. Personally I think that Jess and Rory could have been perfect together. Eventually. I say this because I loved them in early seasons and I loved Jess in his later seasons, but when they were actually together, they were kind of pretty terrible at it. And that’s the key word there: “they”. They were both pretty terrible at it; they couldn’t balance out their issues enough to make the relationship work. Fair enough. They were only 17-18.

Let me be clear, I’m a Jess fan, but I try not to be a Jess apologist. I don’t agree with a lot of Jess’s behaviour; he acted badly. I do understand his behaviour, however. Grow up with a flighty mother who does drugs and is apparently no good at the whole breadwinning thing, who brings home guy after guy who may or may not steal all of your furniture when he leaves in the middle of the night, and I think a lot of people would be mistrusting and unreliable too.

Jess’s family life was a mess. I’m not saying this to blame his behaviour on his mother - he still behaved badly in his own right - but come on. He was a child raised in an environment that taught him exactly how precarious a situation being a child is. And he was not old enough to fix it for himself. Human beings don’t just do that - they don’t just raise themselves and come out mature, functioning adults. Not without work. Not without time. Especially not at that age. And even ones who do function reasonably well, often do it half off an imitation that can lead to one hell of a case of Imposture-Syndrome. There is truth in fiction when those characters who “grew up too fast” grew to be simultaneously competent and immature adults. (This is known as “adultification”, including “parentification”, “peerification”, and “spousification”, which is a kind abuse in which an abuser makes children take on roles they are physically incapable of undertaking because their brains have not developed enough to do so.) That kind of abuse can have a tremendous impact on a person’s development. And make no mistake: it was an abusive environment. The way he acted, the fact that he had such very low levels of trust in anyone, makes me think that he rarely felt safe. I mean, just consider how he got to Stars Hollow in the first place: he was shipped off against his will. He had no control over the situation. He was a powerless teenager and he knew it. But that doesn’t mean he stayed that way. The reason I liked Jess’s character so much is because he showed so many signs of some very real, very serious abuse. And then he grew out of it. Jess is an amazing character because he took control of his life.

So it’s very true when Jess detractors say that Jess needed to grow up, but I wholeheartedly disagree with the note of derision implied in that sentiment. Yes, Jess needed to grow up more to take control of his life, but when a fan says “he needs to grow up”, the implication is not that he literally needs more time, space, and independence in order to take control of himself, but that he should have already, and that he has failed in failing to do so. This, I believe, is supremely unfair. Jess never had the stable environment needed to learn responsibility gradually, or to safely make mistakes, or to explore his identity, or to learn to trust anyone, so he kind of started behind the ball. And as a teenager, he was old enough to know it, and to know that it was unfair. Personally, I think he had a right to feel a little bit cheated. So yeah, he made a few mistakes as an angry teenager, but most of those boil down to unreliability, being insensitive, or his lack of long term planning. These are not character-killing flaws. He also didn’t stay that way. He turned himself around and got himself on track and stabilized himself and seemed to let a lot of that crap go. And he did, in the end, do it himself.

And let us not forget that Jess was a teenager sent against his will to live with an uncle who had no idea how to deal with another human being, much less how to take care of one. I mean, let’s face it, Luke ended up swinging wildly between being over controlling and judgmental, and being so ignorantly laissez-faire that he never noticed when something had gone wrong. He was also always suspicious of Jess, didn’t listen to Jess’s side of the story - ever - and if he found out that Jess hadn’t done anything wrong he laughed at him! So either Jess was probably doing something illegal or was hilarious; even if Jess had been hurt in the process. Luke never told Jess when he did something right, or checked to see how his school work was going (unless he’d been pulled in by the principle or it was too late), or told him he was proud of him, or asked if he was okay, or talked to him about his mom (especially if the conversation was going to be at all on Jess’s side), or told him he was worried. And every time we saw a rare moment of bonding or a frequent failure of discipline there seemed to be an undercurrent to absolve Luke: Jess was being difficult/irreverent/disrespectful/obstinate/short-sighted/what have you. Basically, Jess was a difficult kid, so no wonder he wasn’t being raised like any of the other teenagers, he was a delinquent who obviously would never listen to anyone no matter what anyone tried. Which to me, fairly reeks of Victim Blaming.

Luke was also, quite obviously, not around much when Jess was a kid. I mean we know he knew something about what went on, because he was always exasperated at Liz, and we know he sent her money, but he never, never looked at it from the perspective of a child. Consider, for example, when Liz showed up with TJ, and Luke expected Jess to help him manage her love-life. In that situation Luke saw Liz as a child and it somehow then made sense to him to ask her child to look after her. As if it was not supposed to be the other way around. As if that was never supposed to be Jess’s job. (Also totally not sexist infantilization, no siree.) And then consider the wedding and how Luke acted like Jess was a huge, ungrateful, spoiled, jerk for not wanting to go. As if he wasn’t allowed to look at someone and say “you are too poisonous to be in my life. I’m not going to be in contact with you anymore”. As if that wasn’t his right (yes even if it’s family. I mean, Lorelai did it). I’ll be honest - the “ungrateful” thing is kind of a trigger for me. I was raised by a parent who told me often how ungrateful I was for all the things done for me. I was told I was mean and selfish all the time. So let me make this clear: Jess did not have to go to his mother’s wedding. He did not owe her respect simply for being the being that birthed him. Telling him that he was a bad person for not wanting to go is not okay. And yes, I know that Jess’s ultimate reasons for not wanting to go were not about his mom. But that doesn’t matter. Because Luke didn’t know that. And turning it all around on Jess like it was some terrible flaw in Jess’s character or a failing on his part that he might hate his mother? No. Just no. Fuck you Luke.

Also, think about this for a moment: Jess was a seventeen/eighteen year old working two jobs in season 3, and he never even thought to tell anyone. When do you think that kid started working? And no one asked why he might need to work two jobs? I mean sure, they started asking questions when they learned how many hours he was working (full-time plus the diner plus Rory plus school sometimes), but did no one think it was odd that a supposedly full-time high school student with a girlfriend might be working two part-time jobs? Is that just me? I mean I admit that I’m working off the assumption of the impression that I got that Luke, being the thrifty sort, was not financially pressed enough to require Jess to be working that much. So maybe that is my privilege showing, but I would think that Luke would have thought about it, would have discussed it with Jess. Did Luke never wonder when he found the time? Did he ever talk to Jess about making sure his school work or social life wasn’t going to be hindered by the fact that he was working two jobs? Did he never even check with him to organize his work schedule? I mean come on.

So I believe that Rory and Jess could have been good together, but that he was just too messed up to be a good boyfriend at the time. He didn’t trust other people. He didn’t know how to be reliable. He didn’t want to be reliable - he didn’t want the expectation. He believed everyone when they said he was no good, when they said he would never amount to anything, so he stopped trying. Rory’s expectations were new and unexpected and he believed he’d never be able to live up to them, so he ended up being distant and unreliable and the kind of jerk that would rarely do anything he didn’t want to do, even if it was for Rory. And the one time he tried? With the prom tickets? He failed. And that ended up being a confirmation and breaking point for him. He couldn’t deal so he didn’t deal.

Contrast to Dean who was so unassuming as to do whatever Rory wanted whenever she wanted. You know, as long as it was with him (“what do you mean we can’t hang out because you have plans or school work or don’t feel like it?!?! I want to hang out now!!”) or wasn’t around other men or in the company of other men or anywhere where another man might look at Rory and OH MY GOD RORY WHAT WERE YOU THINKING BEING IN THE SAME 10 MILE RADIUS OF A MALE WHO MIGHT CONCEIVABLY FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE?!?!?!!? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!?!!? I MUST BEAT THIS MAN WHO LOOKED AT YOU! GOD RORY, HOW COULD YOU LOOK SO ATTRACTIVE AS TO HAVE OTHER MEN THINK YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE?!?!?!!? I DEMAND THAT YOU STOP DOING THIS IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

(If any boyfriend was abusive it was Dean. She even used the language - “I don’t want you to be mad. Please don’t be mad.” - and body language, including hunched shoulders and crossed arms. She even flinched away from him a few times when he got angry and started really looming or kicked something!)

This leads us to my other point, which is that Rory was not inculpable in the fact that they just weren’t good together when they were together. Firstly, she never trusted him. Now, as I said above, Jess was unreliable, so it’s not like she didn’t have reason, but she always thought he was getting into trouble or picking fights or whatever, even after being proven wrong several times. She never stopped being suspicious, and she kind of stopped asking about the whys behind his behaviour. She also never stopped comparing him to Dean and Dean’s unassuming ways (completely forgetting Dean’s anger and his kind of triggery, borderline-abusive behaviour).

Of course, it could be argued that a lot of these problems actually stemmed from Rory’s issues and the insecurity fostered in the unhealthy aspects of her relationship with Dean, which lead her to take Jess’s every bad mood as a personal failing, as if his every mood were her fault. I think this was part of a larger problem for Rory in that she stopped standing up for herself as soon as they got together officially. She stopped setting boundaries, she stopped challenging him, and she stopped holding her ground when he did something that upset her. Part of what made their interactions so fascinating before they got together was that Rory was the only one who balanced calling out his bullshit with actually listening to what Jess had to say. She was the only one who said, “listen, I respect your opinions, but this particular behaviour is bullshit, so why did you do it?”. I think she may have even been the only one to ever explicitly ask “why?” But independent-Rory outside of relationships was not the same as relationship-Rory, and apart from Dean, I’m pretty sure we can all guess where that came from.

Now, don’t get me wrong, Lorelai Gilmore was a very strong woman. She was self-possessed and resourceful and confident, and she taught Rory to be just as opinionated and confident as her… Except where it came to dating. Rory’s father was a flake, let’s all just acknowledge that now. He was rarely there, and when he was it was sporadic and unreliable. She never learned to claim her space or demand Christopher’s time because it was never up to her. She never had any power in that relationship, and was probably very resentful. She may have been angry and felt that she wasn’t worth the effort that Christopher could have made to be around more often. Christopher let her down and that kind of early disappointment can have a lasting impact on a person. Jess’s own behaviour had to have hit far too close to a very sore spot. (Especially given the timing, Rory and Jess got together just shortly after Christopher’s girlfriend Sherry’s baby-shower. You know, the one that found out she was pregnant just after Chris promised Rory and Lorelai that it “would work out this time”. And the disastrous Grandmother dinner meeting? Episode after Sherry gives birth.)

What this means, however, is that Rory also had “some growing up” to do. This is not to say that being unreliable is ever okay in a relationship you actually want to make work, but having your mood and self-worth hang on someone else’s behaviour is never a good sign. Would the fact that Jess didn’t call her all the time have been such a big deal if Rory had been more stable in her own self-worth? Maybe, maybe not. But the point is that Rory had no idea how to hold on to her confidence in the face of a man she cared about, and he ended up walking all over her.

Now this obviously sounds horrible. Like, he was distant and she couldn’t stick up for herself, how could they possibly be good together? But here’s the thing. Both show the potential to not only overcome these things in themselves, but also in each other. Jess may have been unreliable, but he always tried to encourage her independence. While he was not one for scheduling, he repeatedly encouraged her to keep doing her own things and was never upset if she did end up doing things independent of him. He told her to go to the Stars Hollow town-things, for example, if that was what she wanted. And yes, perhaps a better boyfriend would have gone with her simply because she wanted him there, but Jess was in no way restricting her ability to go, and rather than offering an ultimatum, offered a compromise instead. And in the episode “Face-Off” (3x15) where he shows up at her house after not calling her for a few days, Lorelai might have been angry that Jess would assume that Rory would home on a Saturday night without prior planning, but Jess himself did not seem upset that Rory wasn’t home. He wasn’t angry that she wasn’t available when he had time free, he wasn’t even surprised that she was out, he was only confused that Lorelai was making such a big deal out of it. So yes, Jess didn’t make plans, but he always offered alternatives and he tried to bolster Rory’s confidence. In turn, she made him participate a little more and attempted to inspire him to try - an endeavor which eventually succeeded; she planted that seed. She was one of the few people to tell him he was worth it. She was the first one he believed.

One of the most telling things is that Jess was one of the rare few people to call Rory out on her own lack of communication. During the course of their relationship, for example, Rory practiced many of the habits she developed through her relationship with Dean - namely hiding things that she thought Jess might not like. Instead of getting angry and making the situation worse, Jess usually confronted these issues right away by attempting to open the lines of communication. Jess asked Rory about Dean directly and listened when she told him. And yes, he did brush some stuff off, but he told her when something made him uncomfortable (like Rory and Dean being friends) and accepted her decisions, even while making it clear that a big part of the problem was the fact that she had hidden it. Now, this issue didn’t go away over the course of their relationship, and a lack of active communication often contributed to Rory feeling that Jess’s every mood was her fault, but that stemmed as much from Rory as it did Jess.

The biggest obstacle to their relationship, however, was Jess’s inability to communicate with regards to himself. Most of the change in this instance happened after their relationship because the issues involved had nothing to do with Rory or their relationship, and everything to do with Jess’s psychological state, his crippling mistrust, and his outlook on the world. The changes there had to come from Jess achieving a healthier mental state. But even still, he talked to her more than almost anyone else. Think about what little Jess ever said about his mom, his background, or his feelings, and then think about how much of that was with Rory. She touched something in him that woke him up. He couldn’t turn himself around at 18 - unfortunately he had to hit bottom for that - but she made him believe he could. Comparably, he understood her in a way that meant that he was the only one who could reach her when she quit Yale. As teenagers they were horrible at communication but it was obvious, even then, that they were on a similar wavelength.

Jess and Rory liked a lot of the same things. They had differing values because of their vastly different upbringings, but they liked similar books and similar music. Now, many people stop there, with Literati shippers expounding on their shared love of books, and non-shippers rightly affirming that you can’t base a romantic (or even platonic) relationship solely on that, but it’s not just that they both loved to read, or even that they both loved to read similar books, it’s that they found similar things stimulating. Not only did they love to read, but they also both loved to talk about the stuff they read and they valued each other’s opinions. They challenged each other mentally and stimulated a lot of intellectual excitement and could talk for hours on end. They got each other’s sense of humour (for the most part), and they liked to tease one another. There are even hints in there of them being very “married couple-eque”. (Take, for example, the movie planning conversation in “Happy Birthday, Baby” (3x18).) And the most important part? The ways in which they were similar as teenagers, the ways they fit together, were exactly the directions they grew in as adults. They grew up moving towards more books, more literature, and more discursive lifestyles. They grew up striving for similar principles of art and they taught each other values along they way: Rory taught Jess to dream, to try, to work hard, and to prove others wrong, and Jess taught Rory that you can come back from behind, that life isn’t going to hand you things, so sometimes you have to fight for it. And then they reaffirmed these lessons within themselves and to each other, and reminded each other as they grew.

So maybe Jess and Rory were not any good for each other as damaged, stupid teenagers, and maybe they wouldn’t have worked during the series at all, but there was a spark there that could have been great, and, more importantly, they grew in ways that made them more compatible, not less. So yeah, they weren’t really a good couple when they were on screen, but Literati is still my ship because they helped each other grow, because they reached one another when no one else could, because they shared passions and goals and because in the end, I think they could have been amazing together.

qpq "but what if..."

So, I am consumed with QPQ? Good job, lizdexia? I’ve read it so many times, it’s such a problem.

But, like, I can’t stop being all “oh, wait, what would happen if…” and then spiralling into the doom-land of plotting fic I know I’m never going to write because even though it has the “you guys can totally play here” ok for the ‘verse, I’m waaay too internet-shy to do something like that?

But I keep coming back to this one so I thought I might ramble about it and see if anyone else has feelings on it and then maybe it will leave me alone and let me just go back to peacefully existing??!!

So, like, what happens if they get outed? And not something like they kind of expect to happen- not some stupid mistake Alex makes or some slip up from George- what if, like, someone gets really pissed at SecDef Schuyler and decides to do some huge “HERE ARE ALL THE REASONS YOU SHOULD BE OUTRAGED ABOUT HIM” and in it they casually mention the whole “his adopted daughter is totally banging a Senator’s wife!!!” And they have pics from some random date that Eliza and Martha were maybe not stealthy enough on?
(Do people get outraged at SecDefs? Let’s just pretend they do for this, IDK)

And, like, poor Eliza is horrified? Was she out to her family? In my head she wasn’t, so that sucks for her, plus the whole bangin’ her boss thing is awkward on top of that. Because, like, her interactions and responses to the family seem a bit tense or uncomfortable in QPQ and they aren’t mentioned much? And ok, I haven’t read Red Poppy yet because I’m waiting until there’s more and I can just submerge myself and drown in it?
And the pics are pretty obvs “hey look how precious and in love and hot we are together” so there’s no weaseling out of it.
And of course there’s commentary— I like to think this happens kind of weird hours, maybe late at night or early in the morning?— and someone tosses out “well, yeah, makes sense since her husband GWash is obvs banging AHam who happens to be secdef’s-daughter’s-bf” and that damned picture from that dinner surfaces?
(I adoooore Nightstalkers but I’m a little bummed that TJeffs and Mads get kicked so quick because it takes away from all of the potential asshattery and thorn in the siding those two shitheads can get into, yknow? So, like, maybe that hasn’t spun out of control for them yet or maybe even just they’re trolling around angrily on the internet looking for ways to be thorn-in-the-sidey as revenge, idek, there are so many fun scenarios)

And then the internet kind of has a really fun burst of “find all of the pictures where these two sets of people stand too close to each other or have hands place a liiiiittle too intimately what” and by the time AHam and GWash even hear about it, it’s way out of control?

And POOR ELIZA is SO UPSET for all of the reasons because between her and Alex she did NOT expect to be the one who messed this whole gig up, OKAY!?

So, Martha and George are all “well, we are badass and Established and we can come through this okay no matter what, what do you kids want to do about this?!” Because you can’t just deny it, way too much dirt on Martha and Eliza (seriously, they were supposed to be the sensible ones!!!) and so Eliza’s just all “…” and finally Alex steps up and is like “Look, George, let me roll with this, I can fix things” which is red flags for EVERYONE but Eliza is still too upset to stop him and George and Martha DID say it was their story to shape how they wanted?

So Alex steps up to bat and charms the ever loving fuck out of the internet. He spins the whole thing into shaming the press for outing Eliza when that’s such an important part of a person’s life, and no WONDER we have all these LGBT kids being bullied and killing themselves when the adults setting examples in their lives are teaching kids that it’s ok to bully these kids and ok to drag them out of the closet and how basically everyone who has asked any questions about this is a SHAMEFUL PERSON and is RUINING our youth, and a few of the places that covered the whole ordeal even apologize??? And he turns it into this huge movement and platform and whatnot?
And he keeps pulling focus back to him and George because fuck it, he may not have been ~out~ but he’s certainly not ashamed that he’s bisexual and it’s no secret—- (THERE HAVE PROBABLY EVEN BEEN PEOPLE BRING IT UP BEFORE, RIGHT? I mean, as he got more notice for being on George’s staff as George rises and stuff???)— and so he figures he may as well bring the focus around to them to give Eliza some breathing room?
And he keeps calling out everyone he can that is negative about them, because, like, excuse me? He’s not going to OUT ALL YOUR DIRTY SECRETS, but he will point out loudly that YOU HAVE NO ROOM TO BE THROWING STONES, DUDE, and if you want to discuss it in private, hit him up because he is HAPPY to have this conversation with you in private where he CAN throw things in your face without being a big ol’ hypocrite about the outing without permission soapbox he’s ok, OKAY GUYS.

And to everyone who thinks he only has his job because he’s got a nice ass and George is weak? HE WILL FIGHT THEM OKAY. NAME A TIME A PLACE FACE TO FACE. Except George maybe won’t let him fight the whole internet, so instead he rants at people about how he will happily go over all the ways he is totally qualified and badass at his job and all the ways he’s been super helpful to everything (an itemized list of THIRTY YEARS OF DISAGREEMENTS- I mean, uh, however many months of helping a politician?) OKAY, GUYS.

And, like, let’s be real- he has the charisma and spunk- and with George nudging him to remember not to just be an angry ruffled kitten spitting and hissing? He totally manages to charm the hell out of the liberals and the younger crowd is just totally in love with him, and all these Tumblrs pop up with pictures and quotes and just fangirling the hell out of him?

And eventually Eliza manages to quit having her freak out time and she totally joins up with him and gets pissy at everyone with him, only not quite as flamboyantly as he is?
And George and Martha low-key get divorced and by the time that happens no one even cares because everyone is watching Alexander whirlwind his way around like the Tazmanian devil? And Martha, obvs, still stays at Mount Vernon and when George gets elected president (FIRST OUT PRESIDENT, Alex is so excite!) he takes her and Eliza with him and like dares anyone to say anything?

Shhh, this is the secret alternate president timeline that doesn’t hurt as much.

Also, Martha’s kids prob respond to the whole ~scandal~ with a big shrug because it’s not like they’re dumb, they all know? Eliza is pretty badass and it hasn’t worked out to where they’ve met Alex yet but let’s be real he seems like a total hoot to them, so they’re down.

Everyone who is Anti-Washington-Scandal is kinda pissed over how quickly it gets waved away and how Alex manages to turn it into mostly good press and how it didn’t prove that Gays Are Ruining Our Lives.

… :D ???

…i’m-so-sorry, I just had to get it out.

*hides forever*

the best pancakes my dad ever ate

Everyone who has ever met my dad knows that he has a wild personal story for every occasion, and he has gotten into some weird antics in his life for a guy who’s now a sedentary computer nerd. I think this story took place when he was in his late teens/early twenties, because he did a lot more reckless things during this time (he had a broken neck for about 3 years and the surgery needed to fix it had a 50% chance of paralyzing him so he was like, WELL guess I should try skydiving and illegal bungee jumping while I still can)(the bungee jumping story is a good one too)

This particular time, he went on a week long canoeing trip down a river with one of his friends. They rented two (thankfully sturdy) canoes, and filled one with all of their camping supplies, tying it behind the canoe that they would be riding in. This was in a time before GPS and google maps, so they had a paper map and a compass with them of course.

Two days into their trip there was a stretch of river where there were rapids, and then about 10 kilometers (6 miles?) further down the river there was a waterfall.

Keep reading

Lying // 4/4 5SOS Preference


You had been pacing around your bedroom for a while. You had been waiting for Calum to finally come home after you left him a frantic call and urgent text message. It was nerve wrecking. You repeatedly looked at your watch until you heard the front door open and shut quickly.

“Y/N?!” Cal called from downstairs.

“Up here!” You yelled back and listened to him run his way up the stairs.

“Are you alright? You definitely didn’t sound good on the phone. What’s wrong?” He went over to you in a rush. He was slightly out of breath but he pulled you to his chest and tucked your head under his chin. He soothingly rubbed your back.

“I uh… Can we sit down?” You mumbled and let him walk you two over to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Babe, what’s wrong? Please tell me.” He begged.

You knew you couldn’t avoid it any longer. Though you were scared, you were just as happy. You gave him a reassuring smile while he looked at you with confusion.

“I’m pregnant.”

His face changed from confusion, to surprise, to worry and finally to a grin. He pulled your face to his and pressed his lips to yours.

“Really?” He brushed some of your hair behind your ear.

You nodded quickly and you felt tears rolling down your cheek which he immediately went to wipe away.

“Oh my God… I can’t believe this.” He whispered.

After the initial shock passed and you and Cal’s serious talk about the future, he excused himself to call Michael about the news. You didn’t know what to expect from Calum but you were glad he was excited. While on your way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water you stopped to hear him on the phone.

“Of course this is great news,” Cal said and you smiled a little to yourself, “but I don’t think it’s the right time.”

Your smile immediately turned into a frown and you had your full attention on his call.

“I lied. Well not completely. I was excited, I really was. When she told me we’re having our own kid I literally couldn’t stop smiling. But then I thought about everything clearly. I’m not ready to be a parent. I don’t even know if Y/N is ready to be one either. And for godsake, we’re not even married! What if things don’t work out? What then huh?”

He was quiet while you assumed Mikey was giving him advice on the other line.

“Of course I love her!”

You began to hear Michael’s voice rise through the phone.

“But who knows what’s going to happen tomorrow, let alone after this kid is born! I just don’t know okay?”

Your mouth was covered by your palm and you were shaking slightly, trying not to let the tears slip.

“I’m not saying that I won’t be in the kid’s life. I’m not saying she should get rid of it or anything. I’m just confused okay? I need to think about this. Do you mind if I stay at yours tonight?”

Right after that you quickly rushed to the kitchen and tried to compose yourself. Moments later you heard Calum walk in with his phone in his hand.

“Hey Y/N?” He said and it annoyed you how calmly he acted.

“Um yeah?”

“I know this is a really bad time with all this stuff going on but I just got a call asking if I could go on for some band stuff later tonight.” Cal said and walked over to you.

“What kind of band stuff?” You tried to act natural.

He shrugged. “Maybe some recording, possibly some business stuff. But I’m gonna be late tonight so I might crash at someone’s place.”

“Mikey’s?” You didn’t mean to reply so quickly and he stared at you with wide eyes.

“Uh.. Yeah.”

You didn’t know why but you faked a smile. You went over to him and watch his face relax when you kissed his check. “Okay, just text me when you get there and when you get to Mikey’s.”

He pressed his lips to your forehead and you didn’t like the feeling. “Of course.”


It was possibly a huge mistake leaving your house. Somehow Michael had convinced you to have that girl’s night out that you had finally been waiting for. His excuse was that now he was back from tour he could be the stay at home dad while he was still home. You loved that Mikey desperately did anything for your kids, but you didn’t trust him completely.

You decided to forget that your husband, who was a child himself, was at home with your two kids. He urged you to have a fun night out while he got time alone with his kids. So at the beginning of the night you listened to his advice. But somewhere in the middle of the night you excused yourself from your friends and gave in. You dialled the home number.

“Hello?” Michael answered after a few rings. He sounded slightly out of breath.

“Michael? Are you alright?” You asked quickly.

“I uh.. yeah of course.” You noticed he tried to keep his breaths normal.

You smiled. “How’s everything back home?”

Without skipping a beat he said, “Everything is going amazingly. I’ve got Charlotte quiet in her crib and Logan and I were just about to hit up some games on the PS4.”

You could just imagine him standing there with the phone and smiling widely. “That’s great!”

“You know Y/N, I’ve got everything here running smoothly. Why don’t you go back to your friends and have a fun night. You don’t have to be worried. And before you deny that you were, why else would you call?”

“To say I love you?” You mumbled.

“Nice try.” Mikey laughed.

“Okay but before I go, could I talk to Logan?” You asked.

“Of course.” You heard some shuffling around and some whispers before Logan spoke. “Hi Mum!”

“Hey honey, how’s the night with Dad?” You wondered.

“Everything is going amazingly.”

“Oh really?”


“Logan, listen okay? I know your Dad well enough. Don’t lie to me, what happened tonight?”

You heard him sigh on the other end of the line. “Fine.” You smiled. “Dad tried to cook pasta ‘cause that’s all Charlie eats lately. But he was too busy trying to keep Charlie quiet ‘cause she cries all the time, like you know. So the pasta burnt and Dad just made us peanut butter sandwiches. After dinner Dad and I were playing with Charlie’s toy ball and we were passing it around but then it smashed into the shelf. All these photo frames broke so Dad started to freak out which made Charlie cry. Dad told me to take Charlie away while he cleaned the glass but then he started bleeding so I helped him. Then he got worried the rest of us would get hurt so just before you called he was freaking out pretty bad.”

Your son took a big breath in after his long story. You were speechless for a moment before coughing to clear your throat. Why can’t I leave this guy alone without anything going wrong?

“Put your Dad back on the phone.” You said quickly.

Moments later Mikey spoke. “Yeah babe?”

“You liar, Logan told me what happened. You better fix up everything or else when I come home you’re sleeping on the couch.”

Before you went to hang up on him you heard him yell, “WHY DID YOU TELL YOUR MUM THAT! SHE’S GONNA KILL ME-“


Luke gave it one last try. He had been trying to call you. You probably had over twenty missed calls. Finally, you answered.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry! I was so busy with Y/F/N that I didn’t check my phone. I’m on my way now to pick you up.” You rushed.

“Okay, be safe. But hurry up a little.” Luke frowned while you hung up on him.

When you picked him up he was fidgeting a little. “Why were you so late?”

You didn’t look at him when you answered. “I said I was hanging out with Y/F/N.”

“Oh.” He mumbled. “Doing what?”

“Uh… just watching movies and stuff.” You said. “How about you? What did you guys get up to today?” You bit your lip.

“Just some writing and a little recording. We actually didn’t get much done today.” He replied.

“Oh, that’s a shame.” You said.

The ride back home Luke’s mind was going crazy. He didn’t understand why you were lying to him. He knew you weren’t with Y/F/N because he called her before asking why you were so late to pick him up. She had said that you hadn’t visited today.

When you two arrived back home Luke wanted to talk to you. He knew it was better to confront you about lying than letting it slip by and take over his mind. But when he tried, you excused yourself to finish some work on your laptop.

He didn’t like this at all. His mind was running wild.

Why was she lying to me?

Why did she need to lie?

What’s she hiding?

Is it something really bad?

Oh my god she’s cheating on me!

But she’d never do that.

Fuck, why am I talking to myself?

Luke couldn’t take it anymore so when you went to take a bath he took your phone and tried to find out what you’re hiding. It probably wasn’t the best idea.

He first read at the names of your recent contacts. They were the rest of the bandmates, his family and some of his closest friends. He was confused so looked at the conversation between you and Ashton.

Don’t ruin it okay? I’ve worked too hard on this for you to ruin it Ash.’

‘Give me a little trust. Luke doesn’t know anything. It’ll be a surprise birthday party as you planned. So chill’

Luke groaned and closed your phone. His back fell to the bed and his hands covered his eyes. “I suck so bad. Shit, I ruined it.” He rolled over and groaned into the pillow, feeling guilty for not trusting you when all you were doing was throwing him a birthday party next weekend with all the people he loves.

“Luke… are you okay?”

He froze and his cheeks turned slightly pink. “Um yes… I was just tired.”

“Oh, okay?” You mumbled, unsure. But you continued to speak. “Next weekend, I was planning we could go out and do something little you know? Maybe just us two?”

He just turned around to stare up at you and tried to hide how he knew you were lying. “Oh.. yeah. I’d love that.”

Your eyes beamed and you went to kiss him sweetly. “Great!”


When he woke up he rubbed his eyes to adjust to the light that shone through the blinds. His hand fumbled while he tried to search for his phone with half opened eyes. When he finally found it, he immediately went to ring your number.

“Hey babe!” You answered excitedly.

“Hey Y/N.” Ash mumbled with a small smile.

“Did you just wake up?” You asked, a little worried.

“Yeah, but it’s okay. I called you so don’t think you’re wasting my time.” He said. “I promised you I’d always call you when I wake up and before I go to sleep.”

He could just imagine you smiling. “You’re just so busy lately over there in London so I don’t know when the perfect time to talk to you would be.”

“Don’t worry baby, I said we’ll make this work.” He said softly.

“I miss you Ashton. I miss you so much.” You replied.

He gave a sad smile and was lucky you were on the other side of the world so you couldn’t see him now. “I miss you too Y/N. So fucking much.” There was silence for a while until Ash spoke again. “But I’ll be back home in three weeks okay?”

“I know, I’m counting the days.” You replied happily.

“Look, I’ve got to get up and get ready. So I’ll talk to you later, have a great rest of the day.” Ash said.

You sighed, “Okay. But have a great day today.”

Without hesitating Ash said, “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You replied and that’s when he hung up.

He brushed his hand through his messy hair and rubbed his face. He hated lying to you. After hearing your voice he always felt so guilty. He felt like dirt. He put his phone down and lied back on the bed. After a few minutes staring at the ceiling he sighed and rolled over. His arm wrapped around her waist and he gave her a light kiss on her shoulder. He heard her mumble sleepily and knew that he had just woke her up.

“Morning baby.”  He mumbled into the girl’s neck.


Read Part 2: here