i just like the retarded horse

God have mercy on me...

In my high school, we’ve recently had a new girl, I’m going to call her T. To give important context to my tale of fucking horrific cringe bullshit, I need to give background on my school and the people who are in my French class, and a bit about myself. (These are all important factors to the story!).

I’m in Britain, and the way most high schools work here is that if the school is quite full of students, you’re split up into A band and B band. A band is for all the good kids, the ones who will become politicians and shit like that. B band , however, is the shit pile. Here they put the little scum bags. (Me.)

T was put in A band. Prissy princess land. And yet, I kept hearing stories of how she acted really gangster, and put on a Birmingham chav accent and constantly spoke of how badass she was. I hadn’t seen her for myself yet though because the only lessons in which A band and B band are put in classes together is PE, Maths and French. I skive off PE and I’m in the retard room for Maths so I hadn’t the opportunity to meet T yet.

Anyway, I walked into French and whom was sitting in the back corner– in my seat– of course it was T. I was a bit late for class, so everyone was already deep into conversation by the time I got here. Our teacher was at the front, probably watching horse porn or some shit. This is what I hear:

“Haha, LOL!! Yeah so Schizophrenia is ,like, when you hear voices and see things and i totes have it!! The joker has it! You know, from Suicide Squad! I’m literally Harley Quinn, I’m psychotic.”

What.The.Fuck.

Now, a little detail about me.

I’m professionally diagnosed Schizophrenic.

I literally cannot stand to be near her so I just walk out of class and go to the affectionately named retard room. (Where the ‘special’ kids go.).

I catch up with all the lads later, and apparently she’s your typical tumblr white girl, romanticising self harm, making suicide poetic, saying they’re depressed and shit like that. 

Also, when I skive off PE, I usually go behind the PE block with a few of my mates or by myself and observe PE, but first I hang out in the changing rooms to chill in the warmth. I found out that T had drawn red lines on her wrist with sharpie, quoting the joker, trying to act all seductive like harley quinn,was carrying round a penknife and was faking hearing voices,and putting on a voice really growly and going;

“They’re t-t-telling me too kill youuu HAHAHAHHA!”,

I mean, what? 

As someone who legitimately struggles with voices and hallucinations and delusions and all that shitty stuff everyday-

I’m really pissed off.

I thought this shit was only on tumblr? Why has this happened to me?!

I’ll keep you updated on her super hardcoree XDD :33 life.

also do you want more British cringe? Chavs? Someone putting laxatives in one of my mates drink in the library?Or maybe our pedophile teacher who drops pens, bends down to pick them up and looks up girls skirts? Because I unfortunately have loads of cringe.

(I could even get you a video of some of the shit that goes down, I have on video some boy in my little sisters class (she’s in year 8, so 13) tipping mayonnaise down some random kid, or that time when I poured sex lube on the tiled floor of the maths block and out teacher was fucking slipping and sliding and falling over.).

feel free to submit any other stuff you got because xD rawr x3 harley quinn girl is p good

Attack on Titan is a TV show AU and this is the behind the scenes

“Hey, Jean’s sick? That’s cool, look I’ll be Jean!”

“Take off that horse mask, you look ridiculous.”

“So I can play Jean then?” 

“Armin? Armin? Guys, has anyone seen Armin, we’re shooting his almost-death scene!”

“Dude, you tell me! I’m looking for Eren, where has that little shit gotten to? It’s his goddamn ‘death’ scene too.”

“Guys, guys look what Annie’s doing, look, look she’s beating Reiner at arm-wrestling, hahah!”

“Where the hell is Sasha?”

“Did you check the buffet table? Because she usually hovers around there with Connie. Or they’re causing mischief on the set. You know what I found mashed inside the camera cap? Yeah, a fucking potato.”

“Someone sit Levi down, for god’s sake, we need to apply his makeup. Every fangirl out there can’t wait to see his dark, mysterious and brooding eyes and if he doesn’t sit down, we’re not gonna have time!”

“Hanji-Hanji wake up! Get up, you’re sleeping on a prop.”

“…..”

“Oh my god, you were cuddling our Colossal Titan prop, you’re such a weirdo.”

“Erwin? Erwin! Get your ass out of the men’s room!”

“I’m an old man, indulge me.”

“He’s trying to shit and the shit won’t come out.”

“Already in character, eh, Levi?”

“Shut up, you dick.”

“You make such a great Levi.”

“Holy shit, that prop scared the shit out of me!”

“I know right? It looks so legit! I’m scared, man…. Imagine how shitty living in Wall Maria was… gosh.”

“Hey Sasha, here you go! Your best friend!”

“Oh bite me, Jean, take back your stinking potato!”

“Ha ha ha, my name is Jean Kirschtein and this is Jackass.”

“You horsefucker!”

“Oh shit! Eren, Eren, Eren hey, you can’t kill me, not before I get to die on screen, oh god stop- oh thank god, it’s Mikasa. Mikasa protect me!”

“Aww, look how cute Mikasa and Annie are. Poor little girls, they’re pooped.”

“Of course they are, they spent all day jumping and rolling and doing all manners of stunts. Oh my god, look how they’re cuddling, how sweet!”

“Armin, focus! Stop taking selfies! You’re gonna spoil this episode for our viewers!”

“Oh my god, stop making out and posting it on Twitter, Ereri is NOT becoming canon, stop teasing the fangirls, Eren!”

“Marco, you scared the shit out of me! Geez…”

“Sorry, Jean, I thought  you’d think it was funny…”

“Your death scene is not funny…”

“Yo, Petra, check out the right side of my face…”

“Gah, this makeup blood is grossss, it’s sticky and smells weird. At least there’s no blood on you!”

“Hey, speak for yourself, I’m walking around with it in my mouth." 

"Ha, ask Franz how he feels, guys! You got off easy…”

“Or ask Carla!”

“….. TOO FAR." 

——————————————————————————————

Blooper Reel

Eren: 

"If you die, you lose! Duh, Mikasa, you dumb bitch! Wait, wait, is that my line?" 

"Oh crap, what was my line again?" 

"Levi-senpai!”

“Don’t drop that durka durk- hey Jean if you throw one more shoe I’m gonna beat you, just freaking beat you." 

"Armin… marry me! What are you talking about, that’s totally the line!”

“Sorry Mikasa, I only kill freestyle!" 

"On that day, humanity received a grim reminder. We lived in fear of these- Bertholdt, stop twerking up there or I’ll come up and push you off. Mr. Colossal Titan- oops, spoiler." 

Levi: 

"The difference in judgement between you and me originates from different rules derived from past experience. I’m basically saying you’re a little bitch.”

“All we can hope is that we made the right ones…. you done fucked up, Eren.”

“Hey Erwin. You enjoying writing your signature? You should really savor that, you know. Also eating without looking like a total retard or spaz…”

“They see me rolling! They hating!" 

"You spin me right round, baby, right rouuuund like a record baby, right round…" 

Mikasa:

"The world is a cruel place but it’s also…also… a line. I have a line here, I just know it!”

“Ah, shit! I just killed a Titan, yo, I’d like to see our so-called-protagonist Eren do the same! Any time now, Jaeger!”

“Dah dah dah dah dah dah duh duh dah dah duh duh duh JAEGER!”

“Eren! Eren! Eren! Is that enough? No, damn all my lines consist of Eren! Eren! Eren! Mikasa!" 

"Yo horse boy, just how much of you is a horse exactly?" 

Jean: 

"Ereeeeeeeen. I know your sister turns everyone on!" 

"Marcooooooooo. You half to come back to me before my heart splits in half, oh god, I’m such a monster." 

"Your hair is beautiful. I’m so horny. I’m so sorry, Mikasa.”

Connie: What did you wipe on my back? 

“……. my faith in huma- HAHAHAHA omg, I can’t say this, I’m tweeting this, gimme your phone…" 

"Marco… I can’t even tell… which bones are your- Marco, stop it! Director, tell him to stop making goofy faces at me from over there! This is serious, damnit!" 

Armin: 

"I don’t think anyone is good for everyone. Except me. I’m good for everyone. I’m also available, ladies." 

"Don’t watch it. Nothing good can come from anything with the word ‘Boku in it.' 

"Chocolate!" 

”People, who can’t throw something important away, can never hope to change anything. So Eren, you can throw away that tooth Levi  knocked out of  your face, because honestly that’s creepy!“ 

"I’m cute as heck, why the hell would you wanna eat me?”

“Poor Eren, thanks so much, I didn’t feel like getting eaten by Santa Claus today, byeeee, see ya later." 

"Right as Eren falls into the Titan’s mouth, I snapped a picture and posted it on Facebook "lol dying, later world!” and I’m posting it on his timeline, give me a sec…“

"Yo horsey, come here, this is for Instagram, we’re gonna play some gay chicken!" 

Erwin:

"I’m sorry, that was a strange thing to say…. Wanna get even stranger?" 

"ONWARD MY BITCHES!" 

"You are all my bitches now!”

“Welcome to candy land!" 

"You’re all gonna die, but it’s cool because you offer up your hearts!" 

"I can guarentee that if you’re an extra, you will die, so main characters only can join the Survey Corps!”

Hanji: 

“Oh my god, Titans, man. They turn me on." 

"Jizz in my pants… wait, can girls say that?" 

"That’s what she… he… it said. That’s what it said! Wait, Titans can’t talk…" 

"titans don’t defecate… geez, Levi, why so obsessed with poop? I bet you liked 'Two girls, one cup!’”

“Levi’s a little nympho, I called it!”

“Levi, selfie time! Erwin get your ass over here! Smile! Or Levi’s approximation of one." 

"Omg, marry me Sawney!" 

Connie: 

"I don’t know what’s going on…. does anyone know? Does anyone know? Seriously, get me one person who knows what the hell is going on, ever!" 

"I’m gonna spank you lat- bwahaha, can’t say that line with a straight face.”

“Armin, I’ll be your Mario, leap into my arms, Peach!" 

Sasha:

"Are you asking me why people eat potatoes? Oh snap, Sasha out!" 

 

My mom's first thought of Chris Motionless

Alright. I’ll talk about this.

Before I say anything, I would like to just say that this event scarred me for life and I hope it scars you too :)

So I first discovered MIW a little over two years ago. This was before I had a laptop or tablet of my own so if I wanted to look at something MIW related on something that wasn’t a small cellphone screen, I had to use the main home computer. Now, I grew up in a very Christian family. My family has NO ISSUE with tattoos, guys wearing makeup or any of that because my dad is into that.

However, having seen that Chris drew on his eyebrows at the time and having heard his screaming coming through my headphones, my mother just wanted to be sure I wasn’t getting into anything bad. So I decided to tell her everything I knew about MIW at the time and Chris in particular.

My dear mother, bless her heart, was under the impression that, in order for for Chris to look and act the way he does and for him to scream in his music and whatnot, that something TERRIBLE must have happened to him in order to make him that way. Now, my mother is pretty open-minded and was willing to sit down and listen to me when I told her that the case was the opposite. If you’ve ever read Chris’ tumblr post entitled “Neglected”, you know he didn’t have the BEST childhood; but that we know of, nothing absolutely traumatizing happened to him.

So I tell my mom all about how Chris is fairly normal for the most part and is quite the adorable human being aside from maybe a few problematic jokes. Now, I remember this exact moment like it happened yesterday so allow me to paint a picture for you:

I’m sitting in a computer chair in the livingroom and my mom was leaning against the door frame that connected the livingroom to the kitchen. I was looking at pictures of Chris on Google Images like a little creep as I’m telling my mom about how Chris really is.

In response, my mom paused after every word she said, as if to be pondering her response to make it as random and terrible as possible. And she said it EXACTLY like this:

“Well…it’s good to know that he wasn’t…like…raped by a…horse.”

Now maybe this is just another one of those ‘you had to be there’ moments, but I laughed so hard that I had tears running down my face, I could feel a six pack forming, there was no noise and I was just clapping like a retarded seal, and I eventually fell OUT of the computer chair and onto the floor, laughing with my mom.

To this day, we call this the “raped by a horse story”.

Now it’s not necessarily the story that is scarring, but the image of Chris being raped by a horse that lives with me to this very day. I hope it traumatizes you all. I am determined to meet Chris someday and tell him this story so to scar him as well because I imagine the look on his face would be quite priceless.

And that, my friends, is what my mother’s first thought of Chris Motionless was. I hope you enjoyed 😊