Basically I Just Really Want a Sanders Sides Novel...
Sanders Sides—A Novel
By: Yours Truly (unless @thatsthat24 wants to adopt the rest…? *wink wink*)
I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen. And as you’ve probably figured out by now, I don’t swear a lot. So you know I’m being serious. I never wanted this to happen. But it did. So now I had to deal with it.
Logan was on all fours, holding his head and cringing.
Patton was blinking rapidly, looking around with his eyebrows lowered.
Both of their glasses now actually had lenses in them.
Roman was smoothing out his hair and his sash.
Virgil just sat on the stairs and watched.
“What… what just happened?” Patton asked curiously.
Roman rolled his eyes dramatically, as if the answer should have been obvious.
“We split off from Thomas and became separate physical entities, of course!” Logan supplied, straightening his glasses and necktie.
“Wait so we’re really here?” Patton breathed, looking around the familiar apartment in awe.
“Duh,” Roman retorted.
I ran my hands through my hair—which was still purple even though Logan’s wasn’t for some reason—and sighed heavily. “This is a disaster,” I decided. “This is a complete disaster.”
Virgil snorted. “You said it, boss,” he remarked sarcastically.
It was Logan’s turn to be uncharacteristically confused. “Alright, but how exactly did this happen?”
I shrugged. “I dunno,” I replied. “I had a headache so I got some water and burrowed down to watch some Steven Universe or Stranger Things when the pain got really bad. It built and built to a tremendous amount of pressure and then it just… burst. When I looked up, you were all… here. But the pain is gone, so that’s good.”
Virgil gave me a confused look. “How are you in any way optimistic about this situation?” he demanded. “The four of us literally just burst out of your head into reality. There is no way this is a good thing!”
“But…” Logan began to protest. “We are all just visualized, mentally-projected aspects of Thomas’ single personality. We should not be able to be here in actual physical form. This doesn’t make any scientific sense whatsoever!”
“Cool your jets, Teach,” Virgil snapped. “Yeah this is bad but be grateful it’s not the end of the world.”
“Normally it’d be you, Mr. Sour Patch, being worried about this being the end of the world and Mr. Smarty-Britches over there assuring you—and by extension Thomas—that everything is going to be fine,” Roman pointed out, looking between Logan and Virgil with an interested expression on his face.
Patton wasn’t paying attention to them. He’d realized that the central column in the middle of the five of us that kept us separate was no longer there and had latched onto me in a tight hug that I was returning absentmindedly.
There was a brief moment of silence…
And then Virgil, Logan, and Roman all started talking at once. Patton perked up at the noise and promptly joined the conversation—if it could be called that.
I only caught snippets of what they were saying while I tried to rein them all in.
“Honestly I can’t see how this could get any worse—”
“—find some way to put us all back inside Thomas’ head—”
“—wonderful opportunity to explore the world!”
“–really exciting, but I’m a little confused…”
“ENOUGH!” I shouted, not being able to take the endless onslaught of my own voice from four different directions. The Sides went deathly quiet, four sets of my own eyes turning to look at me—which was more than a little unnerving. “Okay, just like in the videos, you need to take turns when you’re talking. Because millions of people may not be watching and silently judging—” Virgil clicked his tongue, acknowledging it was his fault I always wondered if my viewers were silently judging my videos. I shot him a silencing glare. “—but I’m still here and if you don’t all speak one at a time, that headache is going to come back.”
The four Sides all looked around at each other, and I had a vague memory of Roman mentioning the “others.” I knew I’d been planning on introducing other Sides at some undecided future date, but I hadn’t planned much out of that particular idea up until that point. I wondered for a moment if that was why they were all looking at each other. Like the headache coming back would make those potential others appear the way these guys did.
Oh man, I hoped not. I could barely handle the Big Four on my own and they’d only been in reality/existence for a couple minutes.
“Alright,” Roman began, taking the lead. “So what do we do?”
“Aaannnything we darn-well please!” Patton exclaimed excitedly.
“Whoa there, Patton,” Virgil chastised, gentler than he’d be with the others. “We can’t just go around doing whatever we want. The four of us aren’t… whole people. We’re not as complex as a normal human. Plus, Thomas is something of a public figure. Four extra people that suddenly look just like him, right down to the giant freckle behind his ear, would definitely be noticed.”
“BUT,” Roman interrupted, cutting Virgil off from whatever he was about to say next, “this does mean we could make the most amazing Sanders Sides video ever! We could all cross over into each other’s spaces, or even be in the same frame the entire time and it would be EPIC!”
“Pump the brakes, Princey,” I warned. “I don’t think that would be a good idea.”
Patton’s expression dropped. “Awww! Why not? That could be nifty!”
“It sounds like a headache,” Logan muttered. Patton didn’t hear him, thank heavens.
“Because, Pat,” I began, “if the Fanders somehow realized that it wasn’t some super-well-done split-screen effect, I’m pretty sure everything would fall apart and some people would certainly go ballistic.”
“Where’s Ballistic?” Patton inquired.
Logan face-palmed and grumbled something under his breath that I didn’t catch, but Virgil gave him a slightly startled expression.
“Wouldn’t’ve expected that out of you, Teach,” Virgil commented sharply.
“What’d he say?” I asked suspiciously.
“Y’know, honestly, I don’t think you want to know,” Virgil muttered darkly, adjusting the shoulders of his hoodie and sitting on the stairs where he usually stood for videos.
Or rather, where I usually stood to portray him as a character for videos.
“He means people would go crazy,” Logan explained to Patton impatiently.
“Ohhhhh that makes more sense…” Patton mused quietly.
“Serious-talk time!” Roman exclaimed loudly. “Really, what are we going to do?”
“The smart thing would be to figure out how we got out of Thomas’ head and then figure out a way to get back into Thomas’ head,” Logan replied self-importantly, once again straightening his glasses.
“You’re so smart,” Patton whispered, his hands covering his mouth.
Exasperated with the whole situation, I was really tempted to just face-plant my couch, call Joan, tell them about what was going on, and then let the Sides do their own thing. Logan could go teach at a university. Patton would adopt about a hundred dogs—and/or children. Roman would probably want to audition for a part at DisneyWorld or something. Virgil… I wasn’t entirely sure what he’d want to do with his new autonomous freedom. Maybe he’d just continue to sulk in corners and keep me up at night with strange questions like, “what lurks in the shadows when I go running at night” and so on.
“You know, that’s probably a safe idea,” Virgil agreed.
“Playing it safe isn’t adventurous!” Roman burst out before shaking his head and straightening his sash. “Sorry. Had to get that out there. Moving on—let’s just pretend that didn’t happen.” He cleared his throat. “Much as I hate to agree with the Nutty Professor and Sir Gloomy the First,” he continued, “that, actually, seems like our best option. I much prefer being part of a whole, rather than a whole myself who is missing pieces.”
“Look at my sons all agreeing with each other…” Patton murmured to me with a proud smile.
“They’re not… Never mind. Okay,” I muttered. “Whatever.” Was it even worth it? When I was in charge of the script, I had a lot more patience for these guys because I was delivering all the performances and they weren’t real. When they were actually in my living room, I couldn’t help but be irritated. They were a lot harder to handle when there was no editing magic involved.
“Right!” Roman barked brightly. “Let’s get down to business!” He paused for only a moment before continuing in song, “To defeat—the Huns!” He raised his samarai sword. “We have a quest to put ourselves back into Thomas’ head and set things right! It’s world-saving time!”
Virgil cocked an eyebrow. “I doubt our presence in the real world will result in the Apocalypse, Drama Queen,” he grumbled.
“I am a Prince, thank you very much!” Roman countered sharply.
“I can’t believe this is happening right now,” I muttered into my hand.