Welp, I am sick, again. This is the first time in 15+ years that I’ve gotten truly, fever-having sick more than once in a calendar year. I am lucky enough to have pretty good physical health and (evidently) an excellent immune system; for my entire late childhood, teens, and adulthood until the present, I would get a cold of varying severity once a year in January or February. So this is very definitely a message from my body that it can’t take this anymore, “this” being the killer stress, plus medication with side effects making restful sleep increasingly impossible (I actually let the person who proscribed it know earlier this week that I was done taking it, NOW, and am now tapering it off and will be trying something entirely different…her initial reaction when I mentioned the escalating problem a few weeks ago was “let’s try taking it in the morning instead of the evening, and if that doesn’t work, we’ll try another similar medication [with the same potential side effects],” which, after this week, I don’t think is exactly a realistic option). Anyway, now I have a cold, again. Yay.
I finally caved and realized it wasn’t gonna go away last night, and on my way home I went to the grocery to stock up on food I can eat whilst sick, in case I’m more or less stuck in my apartment this weekend. Along with a ton of those new fruit-and-chia cups (I appreciate the way that foods that start off as yuppie food-blogger fancy health foods eventually make their way into being mass-produced by the major food companies, tbh, since even though they might be easy to make fun of while in their yuppie stage, they typically are indeed nutritional, interesting, and tasty, and so it’s great that more people will inevitably end up having access to them*), I got milk for hot chocolate making, several chip-like things, and two bunches of bananas. I have never in my life been too nauseous to eat a banana.
On top of the pasta, caocao powder itself, frozen broccoli, ramen, and ice cream I bought earlier this week/already have on hand, I should be set for a few days of convalescing.
Sure enough, after a few days of “oh nooo…hoe don’t do it…” symptoms, I woke up early this morning feeling slightly feverish, with a stuffy nose, painful sinuses, and a bit of a cough. I know (thanks to my mom; bless her for having ingrained factually sound taking-care-of-illness principles into me from a young age) that drinking fluids would be the best thing for both the nose and the sinuses, and that ibuprofen reduces inflammation and fever, so I did both, and emailed my faculty advisor to cancel our meeting today. (I still have to go to class later, unfortunately) and reset my alarm for if I fell back asleep. Then I got up and when to prop myself up in the living room and drink hot chocolate and a banana, which is where I am now. AND GUESS WHAT, IT WORKED, AND I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW. If I sound proud, that’s because I AM proud, a) for knowing what to do to treat my symptoms and doing it, b) for going sick-shopping last night, and c) for actually taking care of myself and not being dumb af and making myself worse like I did this spring.
(In other words, I am being smarter about taking care of myself than KJ is in Seren’s sickfic WIP. Or in, well, canon. Nyah, nyah, I may not be able to captain a starship but at least I can eat hot chocolate and a banana.)
(In all seriousness, though, possibly the biggest impact VOY has had on my life is encouraging self care and discouraging pushing yourself past reason. Literally over half the cast, from KJ to B’E/anna to Neelix, have at least one episode with the message “don’t refuse to take care of yourself/ask for help to try to be tough,” and I can’t overstate how important that central message has been to me over the last couple years. Which I will totally talk about in that seven million word essay on What VOY Means To Me that I keep threatening to write and not getting around to. But, yeah. Thanks, VOY. :)
*Side note: The global-quinoa-consumption-is-hurting-Andean-farmers-who-can-no-longer-afford-their-own-quinoa thing is actually untrue! I just found this out when googling it. Statistical data, and interviews with actual people who live there, show that the quinoa boom has, overall, been very economically good for poorer farmers, and local people who were eating it before are still eating it.
i’m tired. i guess this will be my journal for today, it’s Monday, August 7th, 2017. that probably isn’t the right way to write the date with the commas but oh well, i suck at grammar anyway.
i’m feeling all weird in my chest. i go through my day and there’s so many distractions that i never really stop and think about my feelings. i hate feelings and i hate talking about them and dealing with them, but i know it’s unhealthy to keep it all bottled up. i think there’s so many distractions that once i get in bed at night and i’m alone in my head, it’s scary and it makes me feel helpless sometimes. i feel alone and unable to express my emotions.
it’s really weird to be sharing my thoughts and actual feelings with my followers, i don’t even have my name or state or even age posted in my bio, i like to be pretty private. i’m feeling helpless though and i just wanted to start expressing it.
in 3 weeks my nannying job will be over, i have the modeling job, but that isn’t full time. you just get booked when people randomly want you. so i need to get a new full time job, it stresses me out looking for jobs, i really hate it. i couldn’t tell you why i hate it but i just despise the feeling it gives me.
i have been on medication for a few mental illnesses since i think around march (?) maybe april, they help miraculously! but i also feel guilty about slipping up into the bad places with bad feelings again. it makes me feel kinda like i’m failing or not trying hard enough.
i think today was an alright day though, i need to just keep looking at all the positives life gives me. i need to not worry so much and just do whatever makes me happy and doesn’t harm anyone. i know i’ll feel better soon, it’s always just this bad feeling i get randomly…it’ll go away by the morning i’m sure.
i definitely over shared and debated on deleting all of this and writing a more vague entry, but whatever this is my blog and i can do what i want. thanks for reading.