these violent delights
i didn’t always hate isaac. i think i might’ve loved him once. (angst/smut)
The sex got better after we broke up.
I don’t know what kicked Isaac into gear, but for me, it was the anger. There’s just something about anger that makes you wanna dig your nails into a boy’s shoulders while he grips your thighs and slams into you, rough and unforgiving. We didn’t have any of that when we were dating, just timid touches and occasional, barely there orgasms. Maybe there’s something about hating a person that makes you crave their submission, that makes you demand your own release, over and over until you collapse because your body never learned how to handle all of it.
I didn’t always hate Isaac. I think I might’ve loved him once. We were friends before we became something more. But four months into dating, I turned the hallway at school one day to see him kissing another girl. The worst part wasn’t even that he had cheated; I almost expected that. Our relationship was hitting a plateau and things were becoming very vanilla, to put it concisely. The sparks from the initial flirting, the will-they-won’t-they stage, had fizzled out, and something had to give. I just didn’t expect Isaac to give it to another girl, shove his tongue down her throat, at school, where he knew others could see him, where he knew I could see them.
Looking back, I think he was trying to get caught. By that point, people already knew we were together, and what stung the most was the embarrassment. He hurt me so publicly. I don’t think I would’ve gotten that mad if Isaac had cheated on me privately, then dumped me. I probably would have forgiven him if he had confessed, direct and forthright, that he’d been with someone else. Honesty takes courage, but he’d taken the easy way out.
I told him we were done over a text, the one I sent him before I blocked his number. I could be cold too.
The pack figured out what he had done. Stiles was more vicious towards Isaac than usual. Even Scott, who usually defended Isaac, had distanced himself. Everyone huddled around me, and Lydia wouldn’t let me out of her sight in fear that being alone would make me depressed. They all tried to comfort me, even Derek, who usually liked to stay out of our, as he so lovingly put it, “teen soap opera.” I pushed them all away and at night, I cried quietly into my pillow. The last thing I needed was pity.
The first pack meeting after the fallout was uncomfortable, to say the least. It was a week after the fact. Seven days later, I finally saw Isaac, walking in with his head down, hands in his pockets, shoulders slumped. An unnerving tension had settled over the group. He sat on the opposite side of the room from me. I excused myself to leave early, and I promised myself that was the last time I’d ever let him make me feel small.
What I didn’t expect was that two weeks later, he’d slip noiselessly through my bedroom window and demand that I drop what I was doing so we could “talk things out.”
“I have nothing to say to you,” I said with measured restraint. I draped my hair over my face so he couldn’t see me clenching my jaw, gripping my pencil so tight the wood creaked.
“I know when you’re lying to me.”
“Congrats. Do you know when you’ve crossed a boundary? Because that’s what you’re doing right now. You can’t just sneak into my room and expect me to drop the world for you. We’re not…” Together anymore, I wanted to say, but I choked on the words. “Just, get out.”
“No. I can’t do this anymore, it’s driving me insane. You can’t keep ignoring my texts and calls. We can’t keep avoiding each other at school, pretending we don’t know each other. We can’t keep making our friends choose sides between us. We used to be able to talk–”
“But that was before, wasn’t it?” I interrupted bitingly. I turned around to face him, and it became obvious why he’d gone to such drastic measures to get through to me. He was a mess. His typical combed down curly hair was in disarray. Instead of his usual expensive sweater, cardigan, scarf, and pressed pants combo, he was wearing a faded old red Coca Cola t-shirt and ripped jeans. His eyes looked sunken and for the first time, his face was unshaven. His beard wasn’t combed and neat like Derek’s. It was patchy and the hair stuck out in all different directions. I knew I should’ve felt bad for him, but honestly, I was just glad he was suffering too. I inhaled. “Fine. You want to talk, then talk.”
Isaac sighed a deep tired sigh, and my leg twitched automatically. There was a time I would have leapt across the room and thrown my arms around his drooped shoulders at the first sign that he was distressed, but things were different now. I stayed put.
He sat down at the edge of my bed and tiredly rubbed his eye. “I just… I miss you.”
I blinked. “Fuck you.”
Isaac’s head whipped up. “What?”
I stood up and walked towards him slowly. “I said, fuck you. Fuck you for everything.” Isaac was on his feet, towering over me with his height. “Fuck you for everything you did, for cheating on me, kissing another girl in front of everyone, for embarrassing me,” I sneered. I was closing in on him now, and I had no idea what I was going to say or do next, but Isaac had triggered weeks of repressed anger and pain and I wasn’t going to let him waltz back into my life with three little words. “Fuck you for telling me you loved me, letting me believe things were great, then throwing everything in my face…” My voice was cracking, lip trembling, eyes brimming with tiny droplets of moisture, but I didn’t care.
Isaac scoffed. “You can’t seriously be telling me you thought everything was great. I know you felt it too. Things between us weren’t… okay anymore.”
I furiously brushed away a tear I didn’t realize had fallen. “So that makes it okay for you to cheat on me?”
“Of course not, but I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t tell you to your face that I thought we should break up because… well, it’s you.”
“It’s me? The fuck do you care about me?” I chuckled mirthlessly. “Fine. I’m sorry you felt so trapped by me that you had to cheat on me in front of the whole school to get me to break up with you.”
“Look, I’m not proud of what I did, but it wasn’t working with us! You know that. You know we were falling apart. But okay, fine. I’m a terrible person, I’m sorry I screw everything up–”
“Don’t give me that bullshit. Don’t act like you didn’t have control over your actions, like screwing me over was inevitable. Take some accountability for what you did, for sticking your tongue down that girl’s throat–oh. You know what? You really wanna talk? Let’s talk about her.”
Isaac sheepishly rubbed the back of his head. He looked down. “Come on. I really don’t want to talk about her.”
“Why not? She must be really important for you to ruin everything we had. I don’t even wanna know her name, or how long you were seeing her. I just wanna know one thing: how was she?”
“H-how was she?” he stuttered.
“Yeah, how was she?” I repeated slowly. “I wanna know, was she good? Was she mind-blowing? Was she everything you never got from me?” Isaac closed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, like the petulant stubborn child he’d become. “Come on, Isaac. It’s the least you could do to answer me. Just tell me, did she put it down real nice for you, did she touch you just right? Did she spread her legs for you whenever you wanted? Did she let you inside her raw? Did she let you come inside her?” At this point, Isaac couldn’t take the heat, and he turned away. His cheeks were pink now, and beads of sweat glistened on his forehead. “I just wanna know, you know, because I need some tips. Maybe it’ll help me keep my man next time.”
“Stop,” Isaac gritted through his teeth. “That’s not why.”
“Obviously it is.” I roughly cupped his chin and forced him to look at me. “At least do me the courtesy of telling me the truth. Just tell me, you left because I wasn’t good enough. Tell me I wasn’t hot enough, tell me I wasn’t sexy enough for you. Tell me you didn’t want me.”
Isaac knocked my hand away. “Didn’t want you?” He ran his fingers through his messy hair in frustration. Now he was stalking towards me, slowly walking me backwards. “Shit, this is exactly why we didn’t work. We must’ve been in completely different words if you think I didn’t want you. I wanted you so much that it killed me that things were falling apart. Before we got together, you were all I thought about, but the moment we became official, something changed. I know you felt it too, the sudden awkwardness. We didn’t know how–we didn’t know who to be around each other after we became more than friends. You know that.” I shrugged noncommittally. There was truth in his retort, but I wasn’t going to tell him he was right. He’d backed me against my desk. His hands rested on the table on either side of me, trapping me in his space. “It still kills me that you think I didn’t want you, but that’s my fault. I didn’t tell you, did I?” he said softly.
“Tell me what?” I mumbled.
Isaac smirked, a dangerous turn in his mouth that sent shivers down my spine. He hadn’t look at me like this in a long time, not since before we were together, when I used to catch him smiling at me the same way. “I didn’t tell you how fucking sexy you are, baby. I didn’t tell you I had to fight to keep my hands off you, how I had to do fucking breathing exercises to refrain from having my way with you in dressing rooms when you tried on clothes for me…” Isaac leaned down and placed his mouth on my bare shoulder, brushed his lips against my collarbone. His hot breath fanned over my pulse point. “I didn’t tell you I can still hear your sweet little moans when I go to bed, never told you how fucking cute you are, how much I loved touching your beautiful tits, grabbing your ass. I still remember what you taste like, and you used to get so wet for me. If I could, I’d show you right now how much I want you, darling…” His mouth moved to my throat. He wasn’t kissing me exactly, just puckering his lips slightly, occasionally grazing my sensitive flesh with teeth.
I didn’t know if it was his intention all along to sneak into my bedroom and seduce me with dirty talk, this delicious filth he’d never uttered to me before. Maybe everything he’d ever told me had been a lie. Before, I trusted him completely, blindly believed everything. Now, the trust was lost, replaced by an aching desire, a painful longing for something I felt I deserved, reparations for the happiness he took from me. I was finally going to get mine.
“If you want me so bad, then prove it.” Gripping the curls at the back of his head, I pulled him away from my neck and slammed my mouth to his. We never kissed like this before. I remember our kisses used to be so sweet, so tender, so hesitant.
There was none of that now. Isaac’s hands left my desk and immediately found my waist, pulling me closer. His lips moved against mine hungrily, bruisingly. And then his hands were sliding down my sides. His fingers skimmed my ass briefly before gripping under my thighs. In an unexpected swoop, he’d scooped me up and placed me on my desk. My legs wrapped around his waist and my ankles locked together. Our bodies were aligned and I could feel his swollen arousal against my hip.
With newfound bravado, I slid my hand into his waistband and wrapped my fist around him, pumping him gently. Isaac growled lowly into my mouth and bit down on my bottom lip and tugged. I tasted blood. While I was occupied with jerking him off, he lifted the hem of my shirt and peeled it over my head, leaving me bare. His mouth attached to one of my pert nipples, his hand massaging the other. I arched my back to give him more access. He worked me with his tongue, swirled it around my sensitive bud, then kitten licked the tip. My toes curled and I used my legs to pull him closer into my center where I needed him most.
“Wait,” I panted. “Isaac, wait.”
He pulled away. “What is it?”
He certainly had no qualms with that. He scooped me up and carried me bridal style, then threw me on my mattress like I weighed nothing. I didn’t usually like being picked up, but there was something about when Isaac did it. I felt small, but safe in his arms. I guess before he thought I was too fragile, too human to be man-handled. If only he’d been tossing me around like this the whole time. He should’ve known I wasn’t breakable, and I planned on showing him just how unbreakable I really was.
Isaac took off his shirt, then peeled his pants down his legs. Left only in his black Calvin Kleins, he climbed onto my bed, moving to straddle me, but I had other plans. When he leaned down to reattach our lips, I shoved him backwards and pushed him down so he laid flat. I pinned down his wrists on either side of him and positioned my entrance over his semi. My shorts and his boxers still separated us, provided just enough friction to drive him mad.
Attaching my lips to his jaw, I moved my hips, swayed back and forth. Isaac whispered a strangled “f-fuck…” and I sped up my movements. I trailed my mouth down his neck, sucked harshly on his goosebumped flesh when he started to quiver. And that was my revenge: I’d take him to the brink of pleasure, then pull away, stop completely right before he was about to get what he wanted.
After the third time I blue-balled him, he had enough. Isaac released one hand from my hold and gripped my hair. He pulled me upwards and glared witheringly.
I smirked. “What is it?” I asked innocently.
“Cut the bullshit. What are you doing?”
“Aw, did you think I’d make this easy for you, baby?” I broke free from his grip and took hold of his fingers. I moved them down my abdomen and shoved them inside my underwear. His fingers curved naturally against my wetness. “Did you think you could just skip into my room, whisper some filth into my ears, and sweet talk your way into getting your dick wet?” His mouth opened slightly and he stared at me with confusion. I smiled. “What’s wrong? You look surprised.” I gently touched his cheek, stroked his hot skin. This jolted him into action and he began stroking my folds. “When you said you missed me, did you really mean me, or this? Did you miss my pussy, did you miss touching me, playing with me?” I gasped as his fingers worked me. “You can feel how wet I am, how warm it is inside. Did you miss spreading my pussy open like you’re doing right now? Did you–ah!–did you miss, miss playing with my clit between your fingers… just like that…” Isaac rolled my clit under his finger, quicker now. “Fuck, right there, don’t stop, oh god…” The tension coiling under my belly snapped, and I came with my head thrown back, unintelligible curses spilling from my lips.
I stayed straddling Isaac, breathing heavy to recover. I shuddered when Isaac pulled his fingers out and brushed them briefly against my overstimulated bundle of nerves. He dipped his fingers into his mouth, the movement sticky and slow and unlike anything he’d done before. “That was… new.”
I chuckled, then noticed the outline of his erection against his underwear. “Oh, look at you, all hard and big with nowhere to go,” I cooed. I folded down his underwear and discarded them. His cock bounced back and hit his stomach. My own arousal crept back, awakened by the sight of the prominent ridge that ran along his member. I reached out and wrapped my fist around his hardened shaft, swiveling my fist painstakingly slow, a torturous pace that I knew would drive him crazy.
“Come on, please,” Isaac whimpered. “I can’t hold on, I don’t think I can hold on…”
“But you’re going to, aren’t you? Because you’re not leaving here without what you came for, isn’t that right? Tell me why you came here, because it sure as hell wasn’t just to talk.”
“I…” When he hesitated to explain himself, I removed my hand and made to unstraddle his legs. “Wait, shit–fine. Don’t… don’t go. I came here because I wanted… this.” Isaac gripped my thighs and rubbed them, and brought my knees closer to his sides. “I really did want to clear the air, but… Amy–the other girl–I couldn’t do it with her,” he said quietly.
I raised an eyebrow. “Couldn’t do it? Oh, wait, do you mean you couldn’t get it up?” I kept my expression neutral, but I was drinking celebratory champagne in my head. Things may have been dry between me and Isaac, but at least I didn’t cause him erectile dysfunction.
“Yeah. I just kept thinking about you.”
“So after everything you did, you still came back into my life, because your other girl couldn’t get you off?” Isaac stayed mute. I shook my head disbelievingly. “You know something, Isaac?” I maneuvered my shorts off and positioned Isaac’s cock at my entrance. I was already wet again, lips open and ready to take him in. “I hate you,” I groaned as I slid down, taking him in all the way to the base. Isaac shuddered as my warmth sheathed around him, and bracing my hands on his stomach, I pushed off again and again, fucked him the way he used to fuck me. Well, not exactly the way he used to; this was way better. I’d never even been on top before, too afraid to mess up, too afraid I wasn’t strong enough or sexy enough to be seen from underneath like this. I never knew how thrilling it could be to have control. “I hate you so much, Isaac. You’re such a fucking asshole,” I said breathlessly. And then I rolled my hips and rode his dick like a hot wave.
“Fuck, that’s so good,” Isaac grunted.
“You like that?” Isaac responded with a resounding smack against my ass, the sting from which he rubbed away. “You like it when I fuck you like this? You still thinking about Amy, or whatever her name is?” Isaac’s eyes were screwed shut, but I wanted him to see me. “Open your eyes, baby. I want you to see exactly who you hurt.” I leaned down so he could stare into my eyes as I unraveled him, stroke by stroke. Then, I kissed him, slow and deep, all tongues and teeth. He gripped my hips and held me still when my movements started to falter. I was close again. Isaac came first with stuttering hips. I remember before when he always used to make sure I was first, ever the gentleman. Now, he thrusted his semi into me, pumped as much as he could and played with my clit until I came for the second time.
My body couldn’t support itself upright anymore and I collapsed on the mattress beside him. No words were spoken in the aftermath. Minutes later, my heartbeat returned to its resting rate. There was nothing more I wanted from Isaac–at least not that night.
Somehow, I knew things would never really be over between us.
Even after all the pain and self-loathing he caused me, it became clear that this wouldn’t be the last time I opened my legs for him. The shame and disgust settled in.
I wanted to tell him to leave. I just didn’t have the energy to speak.
Isaac saved me the trouble because he was already getting out of bed. I watched his naked body shuffle around my room, locating and putting on various items of clothing. He lingered by my window.
“I don’t think I ever stopped loving you,” he said softly.
I chuckled emotionlessly and stared blankly at the ceiling.
“I don’t think I care.”
He tapped his fingers on my windowsill. “I’ll come by tomorrow night, then?”
“See you then.”
to be continued.