i just fart on things really

my favorite thing i’ve learned in college is that way back in ancient china there was this poet/philosopher guy who wrote this whole pretentious poem about how enlightened he was that was like “the eight winds cannot move me” blahblahblah and he was really proud of it so he sent it to his friend who lived across the lake and then his friend sends it back and just writes “FART” (or the ancient Chinese equivalent) on it and he was SO MAD he travels across the lake to chew his friend out and when he gets there his friend says “wow. the eight winds cannot move you, but one fart sends you across the lake”

signs as things my best friend has said

aries: call me I googled a joke
taurus: sneeze nuts
gemini: that fart was like childbirth
cancer: ruffio and wooliet
leo: I’m starting a cult. it’s called the church of grace
virgo: what does gc stand for? goat club?
libra: two words. adult diaper
scorpio: I joke about being a hoe but I’m really more of a rake
sagittarius: I have sweat stains on my pillow from my armpit sweat
capricorn: I gotta get plastic surgery to put a nose on my neck
aquarius: I feel like crazy frog is really misunderstood as an artist
pisces: all you are is a pair of boobs

6

yknow, back when i did the series of comics where jake farted in finn’s face in creative and mischievous ways, i was gonna do this whole like story arc thing to finish it off. it was gonna involve the lich and stuff and basically jake would have to defeat the evil by unleashing the biggest rip yet.

i got too ahead of myself with the series i think, just got exhausted and never really felt the need to go back to it. oh well. hope this fart is enough to quench the beast @heythatsmyuterus

Things I’ve Heard My Family Say

- “You’re going to squeeze the mineral oil outta me.”

- “Now get downstairs before I eat y’all which would be a bad idea ‘cuz it would plug me up.”

- “Please don’t fart, this is a very confined space.”

- “Demon pigeons? Really? This is the best they could come up with?”

- “You’re quite right my dear.” “And you’re quite scary, my boi.”

- (loud crash) “SNOOZEROONI!”

- “I don’t get mad at you, I just get caught up in the fun of yelling at you.”

- “Actually, I’m from another world. We read books, we eat books, we wear books and we hve a ton of stuffed animals. We have pens, paper, drawing stuff, stuffed animals, animals…except we have no snakes. Or spiders. Basically no reptiles in general. Except turtles.”

- “I’m not a ray of sunshine, I’m a logical ray of sunshine!”

- “If she has head lice, are we going home?” “If she has headlice, we’re fleeing the country.”

- “SHUT YER CABBAGE HEAD!”

- “Nothing more threatening than a fourteen year old female armed with big words.” “Or a bat.”

- “There’s a lot of things you shouldn’t do in space.” (from the next room) “LIKE GOING THERE!”

Tied With A Bow (Or Two)

A continuation of a flash fanfic challenge, based on this imagine from imaginexhobbit. As requested by @everyjourneylove​ and @waterlilyinclearwater(yes, I still have your notes saved :))

Characters: Reader, Bofur, Bifur, Bombur, Thorin, Dwalin, Kili, the company
Location: Somewhere on the quest
Warnings: misunderstandings, kissing, 100% pure, organic fluff
Word Count: 2453

This just confirms that I need to write more Bofur. Yup. Similar premise to Falling Stars, but I don’t give a flying fart. So there.

Keep reading

Some things

I’m starting back on a low-dose of anti-depressants tomorrow and am a bit nervous for some reason even though I’ve been on them before. 

Nothing keeps you human quite like farting while at the peak of having sex. (edit* not the first and not the last time. No judgement on this it’s just always hilarious)

I went to a screening of Pulp Fiction last night where a coroner, a forensic pathologist, and a ballistics expert commented on all the things wrong with the movie and they somehow had the best comedic timing. 

I’m in the best shape of my life right now, but I need to be eating better. 

I’m really behind on this Kickstarter I created and got funded earlier this year but I AM working hard on getting everything completed before 2017. Just road bump after road bump :(

I’m going on tour in January which is cool

in which i do nothing but watch movies on planes because i can’t sleep and then write mini reviews bc i haven’t even crossed the pacific yet and im bored out of my mind:

fantastic beasts and where to find them: 6.5/10, i was really impressed with eddie redmayne and how awkward newt was and it was visually spectacular, but it just consistently fell flat when it felt like there was so much potential.

swiss army man: 9/10 ive been wanting to watch this since someone described it to me and i didn’t believe it was a thing until they showed me a trailer. for a movie with a shit ton of fart and dick jokes, it fucking hits deep and it’s weird in all the right ways. best movie ive watched this year i cant believe ive now seen so much of daniel radcliffe’s ass.

secret life of pets: 3/10, started off with questionable music choices, got worse from there, cuteness could not save it from not being interesting whatsoever, only made it 30 minutes in

the edge of seventeen: 8/10, the kind of movie i wish i had at my disposal as a teenager. cliches are used like any other teen film but it still feels pretty different and hailee steinfeld gives a killer performance and i can’t get enough of woody harrelson. bonuses include a killer soundtrack and filmed in vancouver.

arrival: 7.5/10, i never thought a movie literally about learning languages would be so interesting but it IS and no fuckin’ wonder amy adams got some noms out of it. also flips the aliens invading earth trope around a bit, which is refreshing to watch.

anonymous asked:

Okay E, you've put it off long enough. Farting in front of Harry or having Harry fart in front of you. Specifically in bed. What's it like? Details.

Sarah said if I tagged her she’d delete, and since I don’t want her to delete…. (But P.S. HIGH-KEY @aqua-harry)

This is also one of the most… I’m not going to say weird, cause people fart. Like, it’s a thing (I just laughed really heartily, cause wow, really, E? No kidding). But this is one of the most *unique* questions. And if anybody tries to outdo it, there is a high probability I’m going to gently ignore it just cause I don’t want things to *get* weird, haha. You’d be surprised at the kinds of doors that get opened on the internet. ;)

Anyway, lol.

To put it simply?

Probably when you’re just about to drift off to sleep. Probably really quick and you both kind of freeze in your respective spots. Then one of you starts snorting, and that sets the other off, but then it’s done with, you know? Not a big deal one way or the other, I don’t think, and especially not when you’re together for ages and ages. 

Alternate Titles for TMNT 2: Out of the Shadows

TMNT 2: Turts on a Plane 

TMNT 2: LOL Okay Casey 

TMNT 2: We Reused Luke’s Bar From Jessica Jones and We Regret Nothing 

TMNT 2: Raph You Put Those Seatbelts Back Or So Help Me 

TMNT 2: What, You Thought We Weren’t Going To Make A Fart Joke This Time Around?

TMNT 2: Raph’s Tongue Comes Out Of The Shadows But It Really Should Have Stayed There 

TMNT 2: Mikey Said He Was Vegan and That Was When I Understood Fear 

TMNT 2: It’s A Good Thing You’re So Pretty, Leo, Because There Are Days 

TMNT 2: Donnie This Is Not Proper Lab Procedure!!!!!!!!

TMNT 2: HE JUMPED?! 

TMNT 2: Oh Sweet We’ve Still Got the Rights to Transformers

TMNT 2: MY MAN!

TMNT 2: I’m Just As Confused As You Are, Laura Linney 

TMNT 2: Hey At Least Our Baxter Stockman’s Not As Shitty as IDW’s

TMNT 2: BROBEANS BROBEANS BROBEANS BROBEANS!!!!!!!

- Beauty Queens by Libba Bray

 “… I mean, can we do makeovers at Girl Con?”

“Do we have to?” Adina said with a sigh. “How is that empowering?”

“Things don’t have to be empowering all the time. It can just be fun. Way to cut a fart in the middle of the party, New Hampshire,” Jennifer said.

“And I like makeovers,” Tiara said.

Petra gave her a high five. “So do I.”

“And me,” Shanti added. “If I only had ten minutes left to live, I would spend it at the makeup counter at the Nordstrom in the Galleria.”

“Really?” Adina made a face.

Shanti shrugged. “If you find me in that jungle dead of a rare spider bite, make sure you put my eyeliner on.”

Miss Ohio flailed with excitement. “Makeovers are so fun! It’s like the Superman phone booth of girl.”

Adina sat up. “It’s denigrating and objectifying.”

“No. It’s eye shadow and lipstick and sex and mystery and magic and transformation and fun. And nobody’s taking that away from me. You will pry my Petal Power lip gloss out of my cold, dead hands,” Shanti insisted.

Every guy I’ve ever been with has seen me put in effort and just been like “wow I guess I won so I can relax and vegetate in my man cave and and fart and have her bring me sandwiches” maybe that’s a normal thing with people in general but I really don’t like it

Ok I just really need to rant about this ok? I’m a cashier at a grocery store that’s a spin off of a large blue super center.

Oh my gosh ok so this absolute old fart and his wife walk up. He’s buying bread and two things of corn. The bread was on sale for 50¢ but I didn’t notice that the wrong barcode scanned so it rang up as $1.

AFTER HE PAYS AND GETS HIS CHANGE he goes ‘that total doesn’t seem right to me’ and so I tell him what the prices were and he goes ‘the bread is NOT one dollar it’s 50¢’ and I said oh I’m so sorry sir and he goes start over. So I say well I can’t and before I can send him to the desk to get it sorted he says 'well you owe me 50¢’ and I’m like ok well when my drawer opens to pay for your wife’s transaction I’ll do that.

Long poslocavhdThen. When I turn to get his stupid change. He turns to this woman and says 'she nearly got away with it too’ LIKE IT WAS INTENTIONAL?? LIKE I GET TO POCKET THAT SWEET 50¢???? And so I look at him and say 'I made a mistake sir’ and he says 'what’s your name? I’m going to go and speak to the manager about you because they need to teach you to be nice to people. And I literally stared at him and said 'I’m human, sir. I made a mistake, I’ve corrected it.’ And he just shook his head and left and GAH I LITERALLY WAS SHAKING FOR LIKE AN HOUR

that time i really wanted to make animated shorts

This is a thing from my site prior to Blazers at Dawn. I had plans to do something like 10 of these shorts, but just making 2 took like half-a-year and burned me out creatively. ANIMATION IS GODDAMN CHALLENGING. Looking back at it now, it was like being okay at hammering and then being like “Fuck this birdhouse, imma build a real house. A human house.” But it was something I really wanted to do and it was fun to work with my friends from a writing/voice acting stand-point. If anything, the whole thing only deepened my appreciation of really good animation.

Anyway, I think this is way better than that jingle from yesterday and I wanted to share this instead. Thanks guys!

Reasons Why Crobby (Crowley/Bobby Singer) is my OTP.

I don’t really know why I feel such the need to do this. Maybe it’s a brain fart I dunno but I want to discuss some of my reasons of why Crobby is my OTP. Keep in mind, I’m talking about Crowley from the first couple of seasons he was in, excluding the whole being-held-in-the-winchesters-dungeon and blood addiction thing and stuff from there on out. This is all talking in a sort of hypothetical way. Not just why they’re my OTP, but why I think that hypothetically if they did develop into a relationship, why it would be my OTP. Because of the following reasons, this is why I think that they would be good in a relationship, I mean- ahg fuck it just read this shit.

1. The chemistry - You can’t deny there is (shit I mean was) definitely chemistry between the two. There’s something. Just something. I remember with them, when I first saw them interact, I wanted to see it again and again because it was so entertaining to see and in a way they got on well together. Bobby being all grumpy with Crowley being persistently annoying but also that breaking sometimes and Bobby being very open to Crowley (example: when Crowley gave him the ability to walk and how he was so joyous towards Crowley and thanked him). I think if they were to ever go into a relationship, it would be an amazing thing to watch because it would be so much deeper than your first impression of them. I’m not going to go to deep into their dynamics for now because I can’t be bothered.

2. Sass masters - With both Crowley and Bobby being the main sass masters of the show (in my opinion), just think about the possibility of them as a couple, or even just look at the little screen time they had together to show how bloody entertaining it is for us to watch (example: Crowley: Bobby, you just gonna sit there? Bobby: No, I’m gonna river dance. Classic sass off, and who doesn’t love these sass masters sassing it off?)

4. They’re both under appreciated - when I say this, I mean by other characters of the show. Yeah you may say that Sam and Dean do appreciate Bobby and yes they do deep down, but Bobby’s rarely ever given a proper thank you and I’m not just talking about the boys. I’m talking all the hunters he helped day in day out with maybe a “thanks” at the end of the phonecall if he was lucky. I think we get a really great portrayal of this in A Weekend At Bobby’s (my favourite episode of all). Crowley is under appreciated for what he’s done for the boys in the past including not just digging up information for them, helping them, siding with them ect. Anyway, I think this under appreciation that they both receive would perhaps mean that over time they would perhaps sympathise with one another, knowing what it’s like to constantly be the helper and not really receive any great thanks in return. In fact, I think Bobby was quick to grasp that for Crowley because as soon as he was given his legs back he instantly thanked him and not in an awkward Winchester way, but a really heartfelt thank you.

5. Bobby used tongue - ‘nuff said. Okay not really enough said. Not only did Bobby use tongue when kissing Crowley, but this means that he was actively kissing Crowley back. Ooh lah lah. SO hmmmm. Let’s just remember that. It could have been some closed eyes thing like this deal -

(I mean that isn’t the gif of the actual kiss, but you know what I mean. The deal with that old guy the first time we met Crowley) - but nah, he actively kissed Crowley and slipped the tongue. And not to mention Bobby getting all embarrassed and flustered when Crowley revealed that it was in fact true that they had kissed to the boys. Like, they’ve actually kissed, doesn’t anyone realise how important that is. lollll

6. Crowley’s trust - Now the interesting thing with Crowley and the Winchesters when they start to query about personal details and events in Crowley’s life he responds with-

- but we see in Weekend At Bobby’s near the end of the episode when Crowley is summoned, how quickly he trusts Bobby, spilling his emotions and telling Bobby how hard his new job is as the king of hell and even goes to suggest that they make it a “thing”. And yes I know this can be considered a jest, but there’s always truth in jest and I feel like from the tone of his voice and in the moment, Crowley wasn’t joking and even expressed relief that telling Bobby all this personal stuff he would never tell the Winchesters was such a relief as getting it off his chest.

7. Potential - think of the potential these two could have in a relationship of some sort. It’d be so entertaining. Crowley constantly being so forward and flirty with Bobby blushing and mumbling stuff under his breath. The banter between them. Bobby acting like he never wants Crowley around but secretly does enjoy the way Crowley would pop in and “bother” him and “annoy” him. It would be great with this confident demon who wasn’t afraid of saying anything and loving how any flirt he gave Bobby would make him bashful and flustered and how he’d glare at Crowley if he flirted with him in front of the boys. Just endless possibilites ahg!

8. Attraction - They’re sooo similar in some ways, yet others, they are completely different and what do they say- opposites attract. 

9. “Is that Bobby? Give him a kiss for me.” MY GOD

10. Something that gets me about these characters is that they can both be so dangerous towards each other in such different ways. Bobby nearly got Crowley killed by finding his fucking bones. Crowley is powerful enough to just kill Bobby with a click of his fingers. So I dunno, something about this just makes me like their pairings a lot more.

and that’s all for now I’m gonna sleep. If you don’t like this ship, please keep scrolling, I don’t want to argue about this with anyone. However, if you do ship, I’d like to hear your reasons why you think these guys would be so good in a pairing. cheers

Actual things I have heard in forensics part 3

-*our coach asking someone about what he did his impromptu on after drawing Curious George* “did you do it about how the man in the yellow hat is a front for Al Qaeda?”
-“a diarrhea of dumb memes”
-a heated discussion about peeing in swimming pools
-*someone burps* “that’s disgusting!” “Wait, hold up, did you really just say her burping was disgusting? You did an entire inform about FARTS.”
-“‘WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO!’ Shit Jimmy, it’s the masturbation police! 'COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR WAIST!’”
-someone telling a story about how he rammed his face into a closed drive thru window at work because he thought it was open because it had just been cleaned
-*in a DX speech* “…till Hillary Clinton is red and orange in the face. Speaking of orange, Donald Trump”

Signs as Farts
  • Requested by thequacker1999 and fulfilled by Nona because admin just couldn't do it. At all.
  • Aries: Those really loud, snappy farts
  • Taurus: Those quiet non-smelly farts
  • Gemini: Those farts that start off really quiet but squeak loudly at the end
  • Cancer: Those farts that make you think you shat yourself, very mushy sounding
  • Leo: Those farts that leave you feeling warm in your underwear
  • Virgo: Those farts that sound unreal, very standard fart noise
  • Libra: WHAT THE FUCK JUST CAME OUT OF YOUR ASS
  • Scorpio: Those rumblingly low farts, that just stink up to high heaven.
  • Sagittarius: The classic silent but deadly, the fuck is wrong with you
  • Capricorn: Those short staccato-ed farts that come one after another for like 5 minutes straight
  • Aquarius: Those farts that sneak up on you and embarrass you in class, yikes...
  • Pisces: THEY COULD USE YOUR GAS FOR CHEMICAL WARFARE.
COCK!

Author ladyoftheteaandblood

tiny one shot

 

“That is one magnificent cock” I looked down trying not to laugh

“No really it is, strong, well built and a good size”

“Thomas, stop it there’s kids about” I begged him as we walked round the children petting zoo arm in arm.

He was giggling like a five year old that had just learnt the word fart, and I knew when he was in this mood the best thing to do was distract him, or at least try to.

“Let’s have a look at the Guinea pigs they’re so cute” I said as I pulled him away from the birds

"But not as mighty as that Cock was over there, the purple colouring on his fat head was rather splendid” he was loving the fact that I was now dying of embarrassment, as protective parents glared at us. I felt I was to blame a little as I let him have all that chocolate.

“Look you little shit stop it, there are as I said kids here and big unhappy parents. Wouldn’t want Loki’s face rearranged or a piece on the internet saying how badly behaved you were” He looked a bit shame faced, and we walked on in silence for a bit

Trouble with Tom is once an idea gets in his head, he won’t let it go till the bloody thing is wrung dry of all possibilities. So as we got to the car,

“You know what is better than that”

“Than that. What?” I asked stupidly, his face lighting up in a huge grin and his eyes sparkled.

“That magnificent Cock” forgive me I was tired,

“No, what?”

“Mine! And when we get home, ll let you play with him if you’re good” All I could do was look at my five year old, grown up, fall about laughing and hug him.

“Come on your dork, let’s go home and if you’re good, I might just play with you. If you’re not, you can play with yourself!”



ancientfinnishgoddess angryschnauzer heathermc13 clojury peskipixi munchkin80 macpetreshock ladywyldfire jdmookami d-m-jonas booksandcatslover vampirewithbedsidemanners the-haven-of-fiction eve1978 snugglyhiddles