i just fart on things really

Real Things that I've Said to my Service Dog in the Past 72 Hours

Are you peeing on my leg? Yes. You just peed on my leg.

You don’t get a treat if you took it away from me and then brought it back. That’s not how this works.

Why are you sitting like that?

Please don’t lick my nostrils.

“Leave it” includes flies.

Good. I’m glad the fly gave you hiccups.

You do not need your own pillow.

Did you just fall off the bed?

Me talking about you does not mean that I was talking to you.

You cannot eat things off the ground just because you are “off duty”.

*I set something down*
Do not pick that up.
*Bucky brings it to me anyway*

I am blowing my nose not crying but thank you for the comfort anyway.

That went really well aside from you farting very loudly when the cashier complimented you.

I asked for your leash not shampoo but good effort.



Topaz’ body is a prison- both literally and figuratively?

Her body is a prison for the humans, they fuse to hold them. It COULD also be making reference to the fact that she doesn’t talk or show any hesitance to do what she’s told. Topaz seems to be suffering in some sort of way. Both of them look emotionless and dead inside when Aquamarine says “do your thing” and they fuse. Maybe their bodies are literally prisons MENTALLY to them, maybe something is really wrong.

*SPOILER ALERT FOR “Stuck Together”*

The images leaked from the “Stuck Together” episode show the Topaz fusion crying. I don’t know what about, but something has distressed her so much that she cries? Clearly Topaz is an emotional gem, and I think her silence speaks a thousand words in a way. Can she even speak at all? What if she’s mute? That could be why her body is mentally a prison because she can’t express herself. This also kind of supports my theory that Topaz will turn on Aquamarine.

So in conclusion: Topaz’s body being a prison is double entendres, and Topaz is sad. Topaz needs love and care.

Colin O’Donoghue and Lana Parilla Panel--OUAT Chicago 6/10/17

Originally posted by lanasfeather

[Note:  I made an audio recording of the Colin and Lana panel, the Colin panel, and the Rebecca Mader panel.  The sound quality isn’t at all good, so rather than post it somewhere, I decided to make a transcript.  These transcripts take a while to make, so it’ll probably be another day or two before I finish the Colin panel and the Bex panel.]

Lana:  Welcome to Chicago. [gestures to Colin] For us, to us.  Welcome Colin.

Colin:  Thanks for having me.  Welcome to Chicago.

Lana:  It’s such a pleasure, such an honor to have you here. How’s everyone doing? [crowd cheers]  I see a wicked witch and Robin…

Fans [from crowd]:  I love you! You’re gorgeous!

Lana:  Thank you so much!  Anything else?  [crowd laughs, cheers, starts cheering for Colin] Colin, you’re gorgeous.

Colin:  Thank you.  I know.

Fan [from crowd]: Your accent’s sexy!

Colin: [points at fan]  Thank you very much.  Oh, it’s cosplay day.

Lana:  It is!

Colin:  A lot of great costumes here today.

Lana:  I should have dressed up as you.

Colin:  I should have dressed up as you.

Lana:  So, I’m starting on this side. [To Colin] Am I blocking you?

Colin: No.

Keep reading

Okay so earlier today, I was thinking about that one scene in GGIL where Glanni pretty much sharts himself and I was just wondering…why did that even happen? Why was that scene needed? What made Magnus Scheving think “I need Glanni Glaepur to fucking shart his pants-” Like- WHY? 

…And then I remembered the farting sound effects that they used for Halla in Afram, and how they made fart jokes involving Jives in both plays and I’ve come to the conclusion that Magnus Scheving just really likes fart jokes. That’s literally the whole thing that’s literally it. And his actors just gotta deal with it. 

And this just furthers my theory that Magnus Scheving is a five-year-old trapped in the body of a grown man

Gabriel Agreste is not a good person.

But god if he isn’t one of the most interestingly complex characters in this AU.

Let’s get one thing straight: Gabe is a horrible person. He’s cold, merciless, and when imbued with magic nothing short of murderous. He’s a monster. He deserves years of jail time far sooner than he deserves redemption. But. But. Everything he does, he does because he’s human. He’s grieving in all the wrong ways but he at the heart of it does it from good intentions. 

It’s just that the road to Hell is paved with those very same good intentions of his.

(I think the same things can be said of the canon version of him too, but here it’s a bit more opaque I think.)

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

the i'm not jealous of that rabbit or something like that drabble :)

🐰 → ❝I’m not jealous of a rabbit. I just think it’s funny how—❞

COUNT → 871

GENRE → fluff

PAIRING → jungkook | reader

WARNINGS → boob groping | explicit language

“Noori,” you began with a sigh, “why is there a rabbit on my bed?”

From her spot beside your bed, she rubbed her hand from the top of its head down its back, its ears twitching in delight. You gave a small smile at that. It was a little cute—you could admit that much—but there were strict rules in your dorm that there were no pets of any kind at all. And a rabbit was no exception.

“I found it outside the dumpster and I just couldn’t leave it there,” she answered with a frown, continuing to pet the gray rabbit.

“But what if it had a family? What if you took it away from its family?”

She paused, then looked up at you, horrified.

“I’m sure it’s fine!” you exclaimed, raising your hands to reassure her. “It’s here now, so there’s not much we can do about it.”

Slowly, you approached her and the rabbit, lowering yourself until you sat on your heels beside Noori. It didn’t seem to mind your presence all that much. It was so calm and chill for a rabbit. You hadn’t even owned a pet rabbit yourself or even met a person with a pet rabbit, but it seemed relaxed and at peace.

“It’s so cute…” you whispered, afraid to speak too loudly to scare it away.

Although, where would it even fucking go? Under your bed? Out the door the second you two left? Maybe it would find its family and that would be the end of that. Noori, however, seemed to already be very attached to it.

“Isn’t it? Can we keep it? I want to name it Leonar—”

Suddenly, your door swung open and the rabbit jumped, surprised. Noori quickly reacted and hugged it to her chest just as you glared at Jungkook over your shoulder. How did you know it was him before you even saw him? Let’s just say he had a certain smell—like moldy underpants and a cat’s farts.

“What the fuck? Is that a—”

“Shh!” the two of you said at the same time, then looked back at the rabbit.

As it seemed to calm down, Noori set it back on the bed, grabbing a nearby blanket and continuing to pet it. You stood up, slowly walking towards Jungkook until you were standing in your doorway.

“What do you want?”

“I’m great. What a nice thing for you to ask me.”

You ran your tongue over the front of your teeth. “Really. What do you want?”

“I just came to stop by your little cave to let you know my parents are coming tomorrow and they wanted to invite you with for some fucking reason.”

“You see, Jungkook… There are these things called phones. You have my number. Therefore, it is unnecessary for me to have to see your face in person.”

“But why would I do that when you’re such a joy to be around?”

You ground your teeth as he brushed past you, situating himself next to Noori. The rabbit immediately backed away from him, though, and he pulled back.

“Looks like somebody doesn’t like you,” you said with a grin. “I can relate.”

He rolled his eyes, looking over his shoulder at you before reaching out to touch the rabbit again. However, it only seemed to further back itself into a wall. With a bounce in your step, you situated yourself next to Noori and shoved his hand out of the way, gesturing for the rabbit to come towards you instead.

Surprisingly, it did.

Noori looked at you with a bright smile as it climbed into your arms. You reached down to scratch at its head, not sure how a rabbit liked to be pet. When you leant forward, your low-cut tank top must’ve given it an invitation to climb inside because the next thing you knew there was a rabbit on your boobs.

You took that moment to glance at Jungkook, his jaw hanging open. He couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from the rabbit in your shirt and stood up. When he did, the rabbit quickly climbed out and huddled near the wall again. Glaring at Jungkook, your stare deepened when he suddenly grabbed your hand and dragged you out of your room, shutting the door behind you.

“What? What’s wrong?”

He didn’t say anything, just clenched his jaw.

“Are you…” You paused, trying not to smirk. “Are you jealous of a rabbit?”

“I’m not jealous of a rabbit,” he immediately said back. When he went to scratch at the back of his neck—the tell-tale sign that he was lying—he continued, “I just think it’s funny how—”

“Aha!” you shouted, smiling. “Jungkook, it’s a fucking rabbit.”

“Yeah but you never let me touch your boobs like that.”

“You have never asked to touch my boobs.”

“Can I touch your boobs?”


However, Jungkook being Jungkook, touched them anyway. You had to slap his hand away just as one of his hands travelled underneath your shirt to move one of your bra cups out of the way and squeeze.

“You will not grope me in the hallway.”

“Can I grope you in the storage closet?”

You hesitated. “Fine, but you have ten minutes.”

Super!Mingyu // Super!Seventeen AU

A/N: Hi guys~ This is my first AU! This was inspired by posts by other amazing writers and prompts so I decided to make a bunch of them. This one is a mash between Best Friend!AU and Super!AU and is quite long so buckle up! Be sure to be on the lookout for upcoming Super!Seventeen posts and thank you for reading! Enjoy! :D

P.S. Many fart jokes. Mentions of gummy bears. 

Notes to be taken: In this AU..

  1. Not everyone is a super
  2. Some supers live normal lives despite their powers while others work for the government, military, etc.

Originally posted by waejin

  •  lmao ok where do we even start with this guy
  • You’ve basically known Mingyu from kindergarten
  • He’s a pretty low key kid tbh, you never would’ve thought he’s a super
  • So the story starts when one day, in kindergarten, in the middle of the finger painting class, you farted ya it’s gross, get over it. Kids only eat, sleep poop and cry while farting inbetween.
  • So you’re kind of the silent-killer type of farter ok aka no sound but deadly
  • There’s another kid in class who’s infamous for having farting episodes 
  • So the whole class plus the teacher was like “ugh not again Kevin wstg we have enough of ur sh**” and are accusing him of this crime poor Kevin
  • Nobody suspected it was you (‘sorry Kevin’)
  • B U T  T H E N
  • You feel a tap on your shoulder and turned around to see this one kid with a bad haircut and trail of snot on his face
  • And you can’t help but zone in until he said
  • “I know it’s you”
  • Lol you’re f***ed.
  • Your know you gotta do something before he reports you to the teacher and you can’t have your entire kindergarten career and reputation just crumble into dust over a fart 
  • So what did you do?
  • “I’ll share my gummy bears with you but you will n e v e r tell a soul”
  • “Ok" 
  • Well that was easy
  • Anyways
  • From that day on Snotty aka Kim Mingyu follows you around like a lost puppy and sits with you during snack time for the sake of gummy bears kid knows his priorities
  • Everytime you won’t share your candies with him, he blackmails you by threatening to tell the teacher that it was you who farted that One Faithful Day
  • You kinda regretted it now that you have to sacrifice your gummy bears but h e y, better than getting your reputation ruined and get called Ms. Fartsfor the rest of kindergarten amirite?
  • So fast forward to elementary school
  • Surprise surprise you’re going to the same school as Mingyu 
  • He still follows you around btw
  • Also, you outgrew him so you call him Shorty now instead of Snotty
  • “How’s the air down there, Shorty?”
  • “Walk in traffic, Y/N”
  • Still asks for gummy bears during lunch period
  • Tbh it’s getting annoying at this point bc whenever you whip up your lunch bag he’d go nuts
  • "Is that spaghetti I smell?”
  • “Bring your own lunch, Mingyu.”
  • But then it starts to happen every time
  • He’ll know what you bring for lunch even before you unbox it
  • You’re getting suspicious
  • Is he half dog or something? How does he even know?
  • And then things get weirder
  • So basically Mingyu becomes the class guard aka that kid that stands in front of the classroom when there’s no teacher to inform the class when the teacher is coming
  • People starts complaining because Mingyu would come in and be like "The teacher’s coming ! !” but there’s nobody in the hallway?? so Mingyu pls explain???
  • “No I swear! She’s coming!!!”
  • Ofc nobody believed him and the class was in utter chaos when the teacher finally came in
  • “Mingyu, how did you know?”
  • “I heard her walking" 
  • And you’re like "lol what”
  • Anyways
  • He also becomes that annoying kid in class 
  • He’ll say that the class is too hot/too cold when it’s totally fine?? 
  • And when a teacher raises their voice he’d cover his ears
  • Also there was a time during a math test you and thought that you were going to ace the test because you’re top in class at least in elementary school if you’re bad at it lmao but surprise surprise Mingyu aced it too
  • But later during the day he comes up to you and apologized and said that he copied your paper
  • And you’re like ???? 
  • “Mingyu you sit two seats behind me how is that even possible???”
  •  He’ll be the first to know when it’s pizza day (“I can smell the pizza lol”)
  • But brings his own lunch to school
  • Claims that the cafeteria food smells and tastes weird
  • he never eats the food from school bc he claims that it smells weird and because he’s a picky eater
  • But basically Mingyu is physically hypersensitive to everything and people think he’s just whiny and annoying so the only friend he got is you
  • So you kinda took pity in him and you started to enjoy his company anyways so you let him hang around
  •  As long as he has his hand sanitizer with him at all times
  •  Fast fast forward to middle school 
  • Yayy time for puberty and hormones! fun fun fun 
  • Except it isn’t fun
  • Puberty is as fun for supers as it is for normal teenagers
  • It’s terrible enough to suddenly have a bazillion of zits appearing on your formerly-smooth face
  • But the fact that Shorty had a major growth spurt over the summer and is basically a f***ing tree now 
  • “Who’s short now, Y/N?”
  • And brags about it every time he has the chance
  • It’s also around this time that Mingyu has been acting even stranger
  • He’s easily distracted by a background noise, even if others don’t seem to hear it
  • He’d jump right out of his seat whenever the bell rings or any loud noises really 
  • At one point, a teacher got so angry and started shouting and when you looked at Mingyu he’s cowering in his seat with his hands low key on his ears, wincing every time the teacher raised their voice
  • He also becomes more secluded
  • Leaves the classes right after the bell rings, decided to take his lunch to a more quieter place under a tree at the school yard, avoids group projects..
  • You’re really concerned for him although you’re a bit hurt that he seemed like he’s keeping something from you
  • So you decided to ask him one day
  • “Mingyu are you ok? Is there something you’re not telling me?”
  • “Hahaha w-what makes u say that" 
  • You gave him a pointed look and it’s scary and he got reminded that time during elementary school you bit Sarah in the arm for cutting the queue
  • If that’s what ppl get for cutting your queue then what would happen if you find out that he’s different
  • He’s scared that the only person he’s been friends with for years would abandon him when they finally realize that he’s a freak
  • At that point of time, he just wishes that he could be like the other kids
  • But he also remembers that you’ve been there for him after all these times
  • You (kinda) tolerated all the times he sneezed in your hair 
  • “One more time, Mingyu and I will cut you.”
  • And the times he broke your toys after not realizing his own strength 
  • Also that dark time during elementary school when Danielle and her group of friends verbally bullied him for being “weird” and “different”
  • You stood up to them for him
  • You got yourself suspended and your parents called for punching the bullies in the face
  • That night you came to his house with a bag full of gummy bears and both of your favorite movies and you guys just hung out in his room
  • That when you said “Mingyu, I know you can’t even hurt a fly so if you need me to punch someone in the face I will”
  • Wow when did you become such a violent kid
  • But he knows it’s just your way of saying “I’ll always be there if you need me”
  • And honestly, you’re already a knight in shining armor to him the second you broke Danielle Davis’s nose
  • So he decided to tell you
  • How he knows what you’ll have for lunch
  • Why he’s so distracted all the time
  • And why he’s such a sensitive kid
  • He has heightened senses
  • *silence ensues*
  • He can’t help but starts to sweat as you stare at him, unblinkingly 
  • He wanted to strangle you, to force you to talk, to just say something
  • And then you do
  • “Wait ok so in kindergarten, you knew it was me who farted because of your super senses?”
  • lol. ded.
  • He just looked at you disappointedly “Seriously, Y/N, that’s the first thing that pops into your mind?”
  • “Well I’m sorry I can’t help it. But really can you really tell who farts in class. Also I’m really sorry for you, dude, smelling farts in HD must’ve suck.”
  • Ok but you’re kinda offended and sad why he kept it away from you for such a long time but soon realizes that people are judgmental jerks who’d just label Mingyu as an outcast if they find out
  • But basically, Mingyu is super duper relieved that you’re totally cool with it and you guys moved on from it
  • Fast forward to high school
  • *Achievement Unlocked: You got an S/O*
  • It’s not Mingyu ok
  • You met your S/O the first day of high school
  • They’re really sweet and caring and overall a nice person
  • Mingyu was more skeptical and protective when you first started to date but took the backseat when he realized that you can take care of yourself (lol remember Sarah and Danielle?)
  • Cheers you on your relationship and becomes your confidante and go-to person to talk about your relationship
  • He doesn’t mind at all.
  • He’s just happy that you’re happy what a cinnamon roll ;A;
  • Until one day he saw your s/o at the mall, hanging out with some girl he doesn’t recognize
  • They seemed pretty close and their arm would ever so often casually hangs on the girl’s shoulder
  • Mingyu’s general perception of your s/o has been good so far so although he was kinda surprised to see them hanging out with a girl that’s not you, he just thought that she might be their close friend or a family member or something so he brushed it off
  • He checked with his superhuman hearing and it’s not like they’re talking about anything suspicious or anything
  • But Mingyu being Mingyu, he was curious and wanted to look out over you
  • So he figured, if your s/o was up to no good, he’d have to find out himself
  • So he began to stalk investigate your s/o
  • You kinda picked up and would jokingly said “Don’t you dare steal them from me” and he’ll be like “No, no its not like that!” (lmao also he wouldn’t dare ofc)
  • But then Mingyu found out that your s/o has in fact, been cheating behind your back with a girl from school
  • He’s so surprised and more importantly, enraged that they would even do that to you
  • What have you ever done to deserve such trash of an s/o??? You deserved to be served and taken care of like royalty
  • That evening he went to your house to break the news to you
  • “Y/N, I have something to tell you”
  • You don’t believe him. You don’t want to believe him.
  • Your s/o has been such a caring and thoughtful person. They wouldn’t do that to you right?? 
  • So you do what you thought was right.
  • You got angry and told Mingyu that he was just being jealous, that he’s just mad that you now hang out with someone else. You told him to make some friends so he can get over it.
  • Mingyu got even angrier over the fact that you chose to defend your s/o and is hurt that you wouldn’t believe him, your best friend
  • But at that exact moment he also had an epiphany
  • He was jealous
  • He was sad that you now have someone else to hang out with
  • He was sad over the fact that you might drift away after all these years
  • He also realized that he cares so much about you
  • So so much that maybe it’s not the friendly kind of caring anymore
  • He realized that after all this time, he might be in love with his best friend
  • But he’s so angry so he decided to storm off and have you find out yourself, knowing how stubborn you can be
  • You don’t talk for the next few weeks 
  • He decided to avoid you completely and would change seats if you’re in the same class as him. He wouldn’t even spare you a glance in the hallways
  • You sit alone at lunch, with nobody to eat your gummy bears
  • This is the first time you guys had a fight this big
  • One day, during class, you decided you had enough and you made a mad dash out of the classroom to find Mingyu and tell him you were sorry (Teacher: kids these days smh.)
  • Otw there, you passed the janitor’s closet and heard some noise
  • You decided to be a snitch and took a peek
  • And there they were, your s/o and a girl, making out in the small cramped space, unaware that you’re watching
  • At that moment, all you can feel is your heartbreaking
  • You feel tears well up in your eyes, your body grows rigid and cold
  • You felt so so betrayed and lost that you don’t even have the energy to barge up to them and beat them yourselves
  • So you took a detour to the nurse’s office, your mission long forgotten
  • You laid down on a cot for a good half-an-hour before you heard the curtain being opened and at first you thought it was the nurse who decided to kick you out but then you felt a large hand brushing the top of your head ever so gently
  • And by God, nobody was allowed to do that to you except for
  • “Y//N, I came as soon as class is over, are you feeling ok?”
  • You looked up and there he was, looking at you with concern and yet with the softest face
  • And it felt so sincere that you broke down completely in front of him
  • He just held you as you cried into his shirt, blabbering nonsense and being a snotty mess
  • When you were much better, you told him what happened
  • And then he had a look in his eyes
  • He kissed your forehead and just left 
  • You’re confused because Mingyu?? what are you doing m8???
  • You didn’t heard from him until later in the afternoon
  • He got suspended
  • For punching your s/o smack in the face
  • You didn’t know what to do. Should you thank him??? be concerned???
  • Since when did he become so violent?
  • lmao he learned from you
  • But later in the evening, you came to his house, a bag of gummy bears in one hand and your favorite movies in the other
  • Neither of you said anything at first. You didn’t need to.
  • You both just climbed up his bed and started eating and watching the movies
  • Halfway through the movie, you glanced up at him
  • “Thank you”
  • He didn’t take his eyes off the screen “He deserved it. Should’ve know what was coming for him.”
  • You’re not satisfied so you sat up and took his face in your hands and his eyes finally finally met yours
  • And oh how lovely you looked in you sweatpants and oversized t-shirt, and yeah looking up kinda hurts his eyes because of the light but it’s casting a soft halo around you and when he met your gaze, it’s fierce and determined
  • Your eyes are still a bit red and puffy from all the crying earlier but to him, at this very moment, you're perfect.
  • You said “I’m sorry for not listening to you. I’m sorry for being such a jerk. I’m sorry for saying those hurtful things to you-”
  • But he cuts you off, his lips ascending onto yours into slow searing kiss
  • You lost your train of thoughts and while you thought that he’s the one with the heightened senses here, at that very moment it’s as if you had it too
  • Everything felt so warm and you don’t even know whether it’s from the close proximity, your body heat or the room. Your heart went overdrive and you’re scared that he might hear it He totally could
  • But most of all, it felt right
  • You know maybe you should’ve been aghast or the very least, disgusted, that you’re actually kissing your own best friend but it doesn’t feel like that with Mingyu
  • You can feel all his emotions in that one kiss and nothing ever felt so sincere and so warm
  • You didn’t know but at that very moment, Mingyu was experiencing the exact things, although everything is thrice more intense
  • After what felt like an eternity, he finally pulled away and there you are, gazing into each others eyes, breathing fast, cheeks flushed
  • “I’m sorry I did that.. and no! before you kill me, you’re just the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and you deserve someone who can see that and appreciate you and take care of you with all his hea-” he said before you pulled him up for another kiss
  • “I love you, too, you giant idiot.”
  • And at that very moment, you realize that after all, you might been in love with him
  • You remembered the kid with the weird haircut and snotty nose who caught you farting back in kindergarten and thought: “Who would’ve thought?

noddytheornithopod  asked:

An odd thing I've noticed is a lot of people suddenly claiming that the way Lapis is written is inconsistent and doesn't really have a defined character, and I was wondering, why do you think people feel this way? Is it just looking at the surface of her character, or could there be valid arguments from them?

I feel like my reaction to this has two sides here, and one of them is kinda bitter so bear with me

Side 1: the legitimate

Lapis is a multifaceted character and in some ways a misleading one. At her most bitter, hurt, and vindictive, she still spent the day making fart jokes with Steven. The thing about Lapis is that she’s both a very good actor, and in some ways, her emotions tend to surge and move very rapidly. If she’s in a good mood, that shows, and she comes across light and approachable and amiable for the most part. 

If she’s in a bad mood, then she comes across a bit like a fairytale witch who has arrived to curse your newborn and burn your castle down.

This is part of why I see a parallel between Lapis and Ruby- it’s that sense of very fast-moving emotions that tend to vent without too much in the way of a filter. If Lapis is trying to play subterfuge, her response is to more or less package off and try to avoid the entire feeling- better yet, just don’t bring the thing up at all, or acknowledge it even when it’s what everyone around you is talking about.

So yeah, it can be hard to get a single decisive read on Lapis because she’s someone who has a lot of feelings and they can shift very suddenly (see, Lapis in Mirror Gem, where she goes from “you actually talked to me! You helped me! :D” to practically chanting about ancient sins and ready to personally destroy the Crystal Gems in less than five seconds)

Side 2: buckle your pants, kids, because Clockie’s here and I’ve been bitter about this about as long as I’ve been in this fandom

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

*invisible Anon-chan appears when it is close to usual Murami dinner time and leaves magical invisible whoopee cushion on Kou's seat*

Kou: Ah~ Ruki you’re the best! Fried lobster is amazing~ but one day you should make vongole bianco….*takes one of Azusa’s fried lobsters*

Azusa: Kou…you’re being loud…again…

Yuma: Yeah and I saw you steal one of Azusa’s lobsters you little shit!!!

Kou: Ruki~!!!! They’re being mean again! *sits down and huge fart echoes throughout room* 

Azusa: …*scoots away from him*

Yuma: …

Kou: …I…

Ruki:  *sticks head into room*  Kou Mukami….

Kou:  I-it was an accident!!! I swear it!!!

Ruki: Oh really? I doubt an invisible person just came in and put a magical invisible whoopee cushion on your seat.

Azusa: *scoots even further away from him*

Yuma: God you’re so gross! I wonder how your little fangirls would react if I recorded that!

Kou: Shut up!!!  If it was Azusa you wouldn’t have been so hard on him!!!

Azusa: *cringes* Don’t involve me…

Kou: Whatever. A fart from my butt is better than any single thing that has come out of your mouths!  *does a hair flip and stuffs fried lobsters into his pockets before leaving*

Ruki: This is why we can’t have nice things…

An Ace: This is my experience, I’m proof this stuff happens, I’m real. 

Someone farting directly into a microphone: Actually? That never happened to you because I said it doesn’t happen, lol, didn’t you read my post? I just said it never happens smh that you would even imply that something that happened to you happens in reality. Go back to your dream world where you THINK you experience things, but not really. What!! I’m not gaslighting!! You just THINK I’m gaslighting them, but you don’t really know what you’re talking about. 

My favorite college quotes

The intro to UP basically describes my life. Broken dreams and straight people

Wearing sunglasses is like having an instagram filter on for everything

See every time I try champagne I just want fizzy grape juice

I’m gonna be reincarnated as a banana slug. I’m not going to heaven with 40 virgins. My karma so no good.

Socks with pine trees. I have a forest of pine because I have so much pine for this boy

C is for cookie it’s good enough for me

Zac efron was a gift created by the gay gods. No one shall be bagging his dick unless it’s me and the bag is my ass

Sometimes I would love to be a big black man and scare the shit out of white people

- There are so many people that play violin.
I know, we’ll make two parts.
- Very good Wolfgang

*farts* I think that just describes my life. A long, slow fart

Me and this book had quite an affair

Fuck you vehicular manslaughter laws. I am above you.

Ohana means butt cheeks. (Or Obama if you’re autocorrect)

I draw the line here. And that line is between you and panties.

Tears from Leo deeper than the ocean the titanic sunk in

The only thing I know about my life is desserts -
I crave the cuddles so hard!!!

- Did any girl really come with a bra?
- No, man forced it upon us.

Can I borrow your window? I’m gonna throw up outside of it.

Humans are like cucumbers with anxiety (cuz we have the same water concentration)

My backs not a voicemail say it to my face bitch

Sorry doesn’t sweeten my fucking tea

My asshole gets jealous with all the shit that comes out of my mouth

In the venn diagram of gays and Jews the overlapping middle is musical theater

Hallelujah for sexy chicken!

Also money. Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy chocolates and vibrators and that’s close enough

Sometime I forget that ice cream is cold.

I think Donald trump should suck all of this country’s oil through a straw


It’s late, my mind is wandering, and I got nothing in my inbox, so fuck it…. we’re getting Biblical.

If you’ve never heard or read the story about Lucifer’s expulsion from Heaven, here’s a Cliff’s Notes version. Lucifer was the most beautiful of God’s Angels and loved God the most. But when God created Man amd ordered his kingdom to love this mortal creation as much as you love me, Lucifer would have nothing to do with it, because Man is flawed and God is perfect. After demanding that Lucifer love Man, and refusing once more Lucifer was kicked out, but not without taking some of his friends with him.

If I’m not mistaken, that’s how the War began as well, for Lucifer was convinced that God was no longer fit to rule the Heavens. So a mighty war raged on for millenia, a War Lucifer lost, and was cast so far from God’s love, that his beauty melted, his wings molted and turned to leather, and he was imprisoned in a Lake of Ice from the waist down. Some of this I pieced together from Dante’s Inferno.

But that’s the jist of it. But what if the story is wrong? What if its just a story, and the truth is more simple. Most of the time, the truth of EVERY story is so much more simple than the story, because with a story, you neex to keep an audience, the truth just is. It doesn’t care about ratings or views or followers, it just is - and that’s why I believe that this whole War of the Heavens is just a Biblical Religious Dick-Waving party to get people to join a certain religion. But that’s another topic.

What if the truth is that when God created us, he saw exactly how fucked up we were, and he washed his hands and said “Ugh, well… maybe if I just leave this, they’ll die out on their own.” And Lucifer was all “Dude! You just can’t make life and then abandon it because YOU fucked up! Who the fuck does that!” And God was all “I’m God, I can do whatever the fuck I want! Now if you don’t mind, I want to get bad to creating these galaxies again, those are fun to make!” And Lucifer was “Fine, man. Fuckin’ Hell. I guess I’ll just look after these guus for you, huh? Y'sunuvabitch!”

“Can’t hear you, dude… I’m like 5 billion light years away, man!”

What if God was the ultimate Dead Beat Dad that we blindly worship because we only have HALF of the information. And Lucifer’s only the bad guy because when we finally started to show promise, God came back, told us that He loved us and that Lucifer was the REAL enemy. But after that, he never really did anything actually PROVE that he loved us. Oh, sure , there was Jesus, THE son of God, but its written like several times in The Bible that we are ALL children of God, so what the fuck is THAT all about? And if this really WAS God’s kid - dude just let us kill him without batting an eye, now I don’t know what kind of bullshit Dad does that, cuz if someone looks at my kids funny I kick'em in the dick, and He just let us crucify the FUCK out of his ONLY son…. and then nothing. No revenge, no plague of locusts, no flood to wash the sin away, not even a divine fart.

So, that’s my take on things. Hence why I really don’t trust the Christian/Jewish thing. I mean, the only difference between the two is that Christians believe Jesus was the Son of God, and the Jews believe Jesus was just another prophet, like Moses and are still waiting for the Chosen One to finally appear. But all in all, its a wash. I mean, at least in Greek and Roman times, their Gods would actually DO shit when yoy prayed to them. Allow your ship to pass safely, help your army win the battle, Zeus ends up fucking yoyr daughter and you have a Minotaur for a grandson, fine fine…. but at least it was something….

Look at what we’re taught. God’s love is unconditional. You’ve read that, right? He loves us all, all of us… ALL OF US. It doesn’t even matter if you don’t believe in Him, He still loves you. And He loves us so much, that He lets us kill each other, and steal from each other, and lie to each other - all these rules he told us NOT TO DO, but He still loves us. Dude, I don’t know about you, but I dish out punishment when my kids lie to me. But we have nothing to show for it. Oh, yeah, we will reach judgement when we reach the Kingdom of Heaven… sure, we’ve been promised shit before and its never delivered - so what the fuck are we doing here?

Have any of you ACTUALLY read the Satanist Bible? Its not about evil and fucking goats and sacrifice and all that. NO! Its more of a “We’re kind of on our own so let’s treat each other decently” type of thing. But honestly, and…. by the way, if you “claim” to be open-minded, you kinda have to, but anyways… but honestly, what if Lucifer has had our back the entire time? What if everything we thought was a gift from God, was actually Lucifer because God’s a dead beat dad. He saw us as doomed to fail and said “fuck it, peace I’m out” and Lucifer stayed with us, and said “I know you’re not perfect, but we’ll get through this.”

Just think, what if everything we’ve ever been told about God was a complete lie, and it was all a scheme to coverup that God made us, then wanted to drown us like a sack of kittens from the get go.

What if Lucifer swooped in at the last minute, held us tight and say “I’ll take care of you the best way I know how”.

When you begin to think about the fact that no one, on this earth has ever seen God and lived to tell the tale, and everything that has been written on the subject of God has all been from our own flawed hand, our own imperfect mind - and you start to think that maybe, just maybe if there if something else out is there, that maybe its not this old guy sitting on a cloud, it takes a HUGE burden off of your shoulders. You don’t HAVE to believe what your mom and dad believe. You don’t have to tolerate this fairy tale bullshit that we’re being spoonfed. You can tell that these people that are killing in the name of their god and governing in the name of their god that they are completely full of shit.

Seriously, if you take 100% of all religious sub-context out of everything in society that is looked down upon - where is the wrong in it? Look at abortion. Without weighing ANY religious opinion or belief in on the topic, what is wrong with it? Pre-marital sex? Divorce? Homosexuality? Eating meat on Friday? NOTHING!

We put all of our blind faith into a giant book of fairy tales that no one really questions. And if they do, everyone excommunicates them as a heretic.

Believe what you want, but I’m going to follow my own beliefs. I’m going to treat people the way they deserve to be treated, based off of their actions and not their words. I am going to give everyone a fair shot to fuck up on their own. I am going to teach my kids to live life hard and love even harder. To be there for people, but to make sure to be there for yourselves too. That family doesn’t always mean blood relation, its just better when it is. To love without regret, without remorse, without judgement.

Ok, sermon over, back to the porn and dank memes.

Tyler Posey lifted a cheek from the hot cement basketball court next to all his best guy friends. In typical Posey style the guys winced as they braced for another Posey fart. The fart shot out in three beats, airy and muffled. “pffffsshhp, pphhrrmmpph, phrmpph!” The heat from the cement heightened the smell and his friends pulled their shirts over their noses. “Damn Pose! Another one?!?!” Greg was used to this behavior. Tyler was a 5 year old when it came to gas humor, and it seemed you couldn’t hang out with him without getting at least one fart from him. John took his shirt down and sniffed the air “Ugh! It’s still bad!” Tyler Hoechlin knew his friend’s fart was gonna linger, and sat with his shirt over his face, rolling his eyes at Posey. Posey began to waft the rest of his gas to all three of his friends.
Tyler Posey didn’t do this to be mean, or teasing. Tyler in fact wanted his friends to retaliate. and one day he knew they would. Posey had a fart fetish. When he was younger, he would fart on his pillows before bedtime and take deep whiffs. That got him searching for fart stuff online which led him to some fetish websites. Overtime he learned how to masturbate and from then on he got off on the intense imaginary smells of gas from hot guys in photos or even real farts on Youtube.
Tyler sat in class with Greg & John as a new kid walked into the room. Dylan just transferred from a tech school into a University and was sort of a dweeb, so Tyler thought. Dylan took the lone empty seat next to Tyler and waited for class to begin. Posey took this empty moment to rip a fart in the class full of guys, bring chuckles and moans throughout the class. Dylan looked at Tyler with eyes of fear and shock. Tyler smiled at the dweeb and leaned back in his seat to relax. Class began. The teacher was young, just a year or two older than the average senior. So when talking about solids, liquids, and gases, the guys in the class all had some good chuckles about the gas substance. “Posey’s got a lotta gas teach!” Tyler laughed and looked over to Dylan who stared shyly at the man. Tyler gave him a smile… fuck he was kind of weird…
That afternoon Posey walked to Hoechlin’s dorm to chill and play some video games. “Hey Ty, have you met Dylan? He’s my new dorm neighbor!” Posey gave the same look of awkward shock Dylan gave him at school. “How many more times am I gonna have to see this kid?” Dylan smiled and acknowledged that they had met. As the games progressed Hoechlin left the room to use the bathroom. Posey sat with Dylan in awkward silence until Dylan tried to spark a conversation. “So… what do you do for fun?” Tyler continued staring at the game and ignored Dylan as a person in the room until he responded with “huh… this…” Dylan stared at the video game Posey had his eyes glued on. Posey sat with a stare and with a hint of remorse tried to spark up some conversation with the weird newbie in return. “So… huh… what’s your last name?” Tyler asked. “O'Brien, you gonna add me to Facebook? I have one!” Dylan lit up. “What? No! Just trying to be nice and talk…” Tyler went back to his game. Then out of thin air Dylan shot back with something that sent chills down Tyler’s spine. “That was some fart in class today…” Dylan smiled at his comment and Tyler’s eyes lit up in shock. His eyes moved from side to side as Dylan stumbled upon the one thing Tyler really wanted to talk about. “It was okay… I… guess…” Tyler tried focusing on his game when the other Tyler reentered the room. You could cut the tension with a knife. Posey was silent. O'Brien smiled and watched the now failing Tyler continue at his video game.
Tyler sat in chemistry class groggy and miserable. He didn’t sleep a wink and mostly because he sat in bed thinking about Dylan and the way his eyes lit up in awe when he brought up Tyler’s fart yesterday. Did he like them too? He couldn’t! Some straight laced guy with a happy go lucky grin couldn’t possibly like something so foul. Greg and John entered the room and sat near Tyler. “Dude! You look like shit” Greg laughed at his own comment and John spoke up. “You and Hoechlin must have gotten wasted last night?” Posey made some underhanded comment about how Hoechlin’s new buddy Dylan doesn’t drink and the guys cracked up. “He just sat around and talked, no booze, no girls, no fun, worst free time of my life!” “Dude! You should just fart on him today, aim em’ all at him. Be merciless!” John’s idea sparked a smile within Tyler. Dylan was gonna get served. As Dylan walked into class he looked well rested and pulled his water bottle out of his backpack… “he must still use the same one from high school. What a loser, just carry the one book, you just have one class today dumb ass!” Tyler thought. At that moment Tyler tapped Greg on the shoulder and Greg turned around as Tyler shifted his eyes towards Dylan, still facing Greg. Tyler lifted his rump slightly from his chair and a small squeaker of a fart blasted from his seat. Dylan looked shocked and stared at the two guys and laughed. Greg laughed back… primarily at Dylan rather than with him, and turned around to prepare for the lesson. Dylan looked a Tyler to comment “Yesterday’s was better…” Tyler said nothing and prepared for the lesson. His butt lifted from the seat again and a faint hiss left his shorts. A faint whiff of ass hit his nose and Dylan’s. That’s when the strange part occurred. It was 15 minutes into class and the four guys in the back were hit by a stronger smell. Rotten eggs, foul skunk, and sweaty ripe ass filled the air as Greg and John began to choke. “Teacher! I think Posey needs to be excused!!!” John sounded worried. The professor made no reaction, these guys break wind in class everyday, it was just another day for them. Posey made no comment but to laugh and claim the attack with a grin. John and Greg turned back around to the lesson when Tyler looked at Dylan… Dylan winked an eye at the once champion farter and smiled. Knowing he just bested the champion. Tyler lifted a leg and ripped  a rather audible blast at Dylan and the class erupted in anger at the 20 year old stud. Dylan secretly lifted a cheek and although silent, the smell was unbearably worse. Tyler blushed red as John and Greg turned around to egg Tyler on. “Dude, we said be merciless, but this is too much! Give the poor guy a break and take some beano” John was in near tears. Greg was on the verge of dry heaving. “Dylan, buddy! You’re not even flinching! You’re a beast to put up with this!” Greg was impressed by Dylan’s composure. What John and Greg didn’t know was that Dylan had just let loose another series of gas attacks into the room. Tyler let out a bigger fart, which, accidentally timed made it seem like the smell came from his loud blast rather than Dylan’s SBD. Within 40 more minutes of class the guys were now all well equipped to handle a chemical war.
Class was over and the guys walked out. John and Greg were applauding their newfound hero Dylan for taking Posey’s gas like a champ. Neither guy knew that the smell was Dylan’s brew. Posey sat back and watched as the weird kid got high fives and back pats for his stamina. “We’re now a group of five bros man, you’re in!” John said as Dylan got bright eyed. He just wanted to fit in. Posey felt even sicker… what if Dylan wanted to fart more?
The party was a huge hit. Posey and the gang threw a huge bash at his dorm. There was beer, chips, salsa, bean dip, and more “Everclear” than you’d know what to do with. “Do we really have to invite him? I still think he’s a dweeb!” Tyler asked John. “Dude! You’re just upset that you can’t throw him off with your stink. That guy is more of a man than you! haha!” Tyler focused on that conversation between him and John for the duration of the party as Dylan sat right next to Posey with some bean dip and broccoli. “Hey Tyler!” Dylan tried to be nice. Tyler sipped his beer and scoldingly told Dylan “How come you don’t drink?” Dylan looked at him sheepishly; “I’ll drink, if you’ll be nice to me.” Tyler obliged and Dylan took a swig of Everclear with his juice. Tyler laughed at Dylan’s facial expressions each shot and asked him to try it again. 5 shots later Dylan said “This doesn’t have a taste? *hiccup*” Tyler took a shot himself and wrapped his arm around Dylan. “Come here kid, I’ll show you some beer…” Tyler brought out a Guinness for them both. “This is only for special occasions, that cheap PBR is nothing…” Dylan LOVED it! And drank happily with Tyler the rest of the night. They laughed and got to know each other better. Tyler even calling Dylan “cool” in his book. Dylan smiled… but began to look sick from the alcohol. Greg was scoring big with the ladies as Hoechlin and John left with no one. “Man, Dylan’s pretty fucked up tonight. What did you do Pose?” Tyler Hoechlin looked worried. “He’s fine, he can crash here tonight. I don’t want his dorm leader finding him drunk when you take him home.” The guys left for the night and Posey and O'Brien stayed. Tyler wrapped him in a blanket on the couch and headed to his bed to go to sleep.
Tyler laid awake in his bed to thoughts of men from his porn library ripping ass in his dorm room. As he stroked his cock he imagined the smells and sounds they produced just for him. He threw one of them on the bed in his imagination and began to eat his ass out. He imagined the smooth run fleshy ass against his tongue ripping fart after fart and soon he was furiously stroking his meat in an intense sweat that was absorbed by the bed. The man in his dreams ripped a fart that went on for ages, his cum shot out onto the sheets and the guy’s face became more prevalent in his mind… it was Dylan! Posey gasped for air and rose up from his bed panting in fear. “What the fuck was that?!?” Tyler thought. He got up and walked back into his livingroom. Dylan was curled up on the couch and sleeping like a baby. “Fucking dweeb” Tyler mumbled under his breath. He got a glass of water from the kitchen and began to head back to bed, but something came over him. He walked over to Dylan on the couch… “Don’t do it” Tyler tried stopping himself. He took a sniff of the air, a loud sniff. Nothing. He would regret this next move… he moved in closer. Posey got within inches of Dylan’s ass and although it was snuggly fit under the covers the smell was amazing. The dweeb had an ass odor, and Tyler was getting hooked. Posey went to bed in shame of his secret sniffing adventure. But his mind raced with the thoughts of Dylan’s gas in the classroom that afternoon. Could he be… falling for the dweeb?
Tyler’s dreams were tame, except for one. Dylan was snuggled in bed with him and he was dutch opening him as a prank. He woke up and headed to the kitchen for some breakfast. Dylan was up and at it. “What? No hangover?!?!” Tyler pointed out. “That? Oh, last night was nothing. I drank twice as much at home…” Dylan was acting rather alpha male this morning; Tyler was confused. Dylan was a ringer. Go onto a campus, be the nice kid, get all the teachers’ good graces, impress all the popular folk, then control the crowd. Tyler was impressed and the two sat down for breakfast. It was Saturday and the whole day was open. Dylan had no homework. Tyler just had a small report. Talk of the weather and classes grew old between the two and Posey tried coming up with other conversations. Dylan had other ideas. “Man, I bet I had some GAS last night.” Dylan winked at Tyler and Tyler felt uncomfortable again as Dylan aimed a fart into Tyler’s direction. The smell wafted to Tyler who winced and coughed on the smell. Tyler had to retaliate and ripped one of his own. It stunk, but Dylan’s was stronger. Just like the classroom experience Dylan was besting the gassy fetishist. “So you can retaliate?” Dylan ripped a longer blast. The smell intensified and Tyler’s dick grew in his shorts. “I thought I’d freshen the room a bit with my brew.” Dylan smiled and then smoldered his stare at Tyler… was he flirting? Tyler turned red and tried to get up and do his book report. “Have you read your book yet?” Dylan asked. Tyler played it off and said yes, but Dylan’s next quote sent chills down his spine. “Was your book against my ass last night? Because you had your nose there for part of the night. Did it smell good?” Dylan was going in for the kill. Tyler was sweating and told Dylan to get out. The fear was all over his face. “Get out? I think I have something you want Posey Wosey…” Dylan sat on Tyler’s lap and Tyler tried bucking him off. The fart was loud. It was warm… not just warm, it burned! Fuck it burned! Tyler winced from the smell, but it was the most magical moment of heaven he ever experienced! Dylan wrapped his arm around Tyler’s shoulder and Tyler wrapped his around Dylan’s back. Dylan let out another fart after lifting a cheek and aiming it at Tyler’s stomach. “I see you’ve stopped competing… is someone out of gas?” Dylan cooed at Tyler. “You’re the king.” Tyler moaned over and over. “The king?!?” Dylan smiled. “Well, that’s pretty impressive. Am I more kingly than that farter you have saved on your computer?” Tyler was taken aback by Dylan’s remark… Dylan looked at his Internet history last night! But it didn’t matter… In fact it felt safer… Dylan was doing this willingly… “Yes Dilly! OH YES!!! FUCK MORE!!!” Dylan smacked Tyler in the back of the head and ripped an angry fart in his lap… “But you told me to get out… so I guess this is goodbye…” Dylan sat up and walked out the door farting almost each step of the way. Tyler’s legs had lost circulation but that didn’t stop him from crawling to the door in hopes of getting Dylan back. Tyler laid in a fetal position alone in his apartment dorm breathing in the smells of Dylan’s crop-dust. He was so sexually frustrated he was in tears. What if Dylan told the guys? What if he told the school?
Class on Monday had Posey freaking out. He sat at his typical desk when Dylan walked in… he sat right in front of Tyler. John and Greg noticed this and took seats next to Dylan instead of you. “Man, I see Dylan is learning from Friday’s mistakes. Can’t sit next to the gas bomb for too long!” John chuckled at Tyler’s expense and Tyler stared at Greg… pointing to the empty seat next to him. “Man Posey, I don’t think anyone is gonna sit their after you nuked it last week!” Posey tried to laugh it off… deep down he was hurt, lonely, and feeling left out. His new view was kind of worth it though… Dylan’s round butt spread right in front of his view. Dylan pulled his jeans down and Tyler sprung a boner when he noticed… he wasn’t wearing any underwear in class. His jacket covered his front view. To the teacher and the rest of the class it looked like Dylan was fully clothed. The smell hit Tyler like a ton of bricks. He focused more on Dylan’s ass, the hole opened up and the smell magnified. Every minute Tyler was hit by a wave of stink from Dylan’s butt in class. Tyler had a show of Dylan’s ass right in front of him. As class ended Posey’s notes were blank. Dylan pulled up his jeans and got out of his seat. Greg and John walked out with him with Posey trailing behind.
“Yo Dylan! We still on for tomorrow?” Greg asked. “Yeah, see you then! I’m bring Hoechlin!” Dylan smiled as Tyler spoke up, “Wait? What’s going on?” Posey looked confused. “Oh, we’re hanging out Tuesday… you can come right Dylan?” Greg looked at Dylan as though Dylan was in charge of the group. “Yeah, come on!” John and Greg headed to their next class as Dylan was pushed against a wall by Tyler. “What the fuck was that!?” Tyler was furious with the mind games. “Chill buddy, you getting’ jealous of me taking over? Afraid of my power?” Dylan bit his lip and chuckled at Tyler’s grip as it lightened. Dylan smiled and ripped a fart and laughed harder. Tyler asked Dylan to hang out after his classes, his voice cracked from the question. “Well, what would we do together?” Dylan smiled more, it was a shit eating grin that made Tyler feel two inches small. “Well… we could… study…” Tyler sulked. “Oh, because you didn’t record any notes today and need mine?” Dylan laughed and tickled Posey’s nipple. Posey flinched and responded. “We… we… can do the thing…” “Oh! The thing… yeah… well, I knew I’d hook you soon. Tell you what, I’ll give you my notes, but at a price…” Dylan looked powerful. Tyler was scared. “All the notes you can ever need… but you’ll be my personal fart sniffer… for life.” Dylan massaged Tyler’s shoulder after the proposal. Tyler struggled to speak as Dylan’s other hand moved down to Tyler’s member… “I think your little friend has chosen for you”.
Dylan walked right into Tyler’s apartment. “Man, you still got any of that bean dip?” I’m hungry. Tyler pulled the dip from the fridge with some broccoli and handed it to Dylan. Dylan had wrapped a blanket around his body and pointed to a hole. “In.” Dylan commanded. Tyler stuck his head into the covers right against Dylan’s ass. He was wrapped tight against Dylan’s hole. The first sniff was incredible. Dylan’s ass smelled just like the gas Tyler was subjected to in class. That’s when the first fart hit. Tyler’s nose burned as he carefully sniffed Dylan’s ass and stroked his cock. Tyler woke up with his face trapped in a bed sheet. Dylan was gone. It was 3am. He read a note on his bedroom door: “You couldn’t even last 5 minutes down there. You’re pathetic. If you don’t do better next time I’m gonna twist your nuts until they pop off. Love you sweetie! -Dilly” Posey was scared, but his hard on still grew. He threw himself on his bed, face to pillow, when a foul smell hit him… Dylan farted on his pillows before leaving… he sniffed until he passed out drunk on Dylan’s gas.
Tuesday night Posey was dressed to the nine’s. The guys went to a club and were sitting at a booth. Dylan was leading the conversation and John, Greg and Hoechlin were eating it up. Greg drew everyone’s attention to a girl. Dylan glared at Tyler and pointed to the restroom with a wink. “He wants me to do this now?!?” Tyler thought. The two guys passed the bathroom and Dylan led them to an area behind the building. Dylan guided Tyler so that his back was against a brick wall, and with no words Dylan began to fart onto Posey’s thigh. Tyler was mesmerized by the showing. Dylan was blowing out gas like a champ. Most were inaudible, but the breeze, and the foul smell was a dead giveaway. For 5 minutes Dylan let rip constant streams of gas, but at minute 6 Posey tried bucking him off. “Dude! That’s enough, you’re proving your point you’re a fucking GOD! Now get off me!” Posey felt a little nauseous from the performance. “No Pose! I got GAS! I need you to sniff it. Come to think of it, my shorts are probably filtering the stink. It may travel back to the other guys.” Tyler was listening to Dylan speak and he felt lightheaded with excitement and fear. “Can you pull my shorts down… with your teeth?” Dylan gave Tyler the sweetest puppy dog eyes he could muster. Tyler dropped to his knees and praised the bubblebutt before his eyes. Dylan backed his ass up into Tyler’s mouth as Tyler opened wide and bit down on the back elastic of Dylan’s shorts. As Tyler pulled down on the shorts his nose rubbed against Dylan’s open crack. Tyler could smell the scent of trapped gas between the cheeks flood his senses. A quick sharp toot filled the air and Tyler’s oxygen was tainted further with the gas of his new fart king. “Air my shorts out and keep your face in my ass. I got a lot more” Dylan was talking as though this was the most normal behavior in the world. Tyler began to moan. How did Dylan never run out of gas!?!? “You’re doing a lot better than Monday night. Just don’t pass out” On the word pass out Dylan let out a fart that could singe nose hairs of anyone in the parking lot on the other side of the building. Tyler tried to escape but his head was trapped against the brick wall. He was in Dylan’s fart trap. “We better go back… I still have a lot of gas but you’ll just have to claim whatever I have to release in the bar.” Tyler stared at Dylan. He was embarrassed to fart. Dylan was embarrassed about farting in front of the other guys. But around him he was a gas bomb. If that didn’t say love, what did?
A few months later the guys were hanging out at John and Greg’s house. Dylan was sitting on a bean bag and munching on some taco bell when a fart erupted from his ass. This fart scared the living daylights out of the guys and they stared at Dylan. Dylan was about to cry when Posey spoke up. “Sorry guys, hahahaha! That was me.” John looked back at Dylan on the other side of the room. “Uhh… bro… that noise came from Dylan!” The smell hit the guys with force. “UGH! Wait y'all, ever since Dylan came into the picture, Tyler’s farts have stunk SO much worse!” Hoechlin looked confused. “Guys! Seriously, I can throw my farts! See?” Tyler leaned and motioned to Dylan to rip a fart from his seat. Dylan let out another loud monster and looked scared and cried “STOP!” They guys busted out laughing as Tyler waved a hand behind his ass to waft the magnify smell from his ass. Dylan lived to see another embarrassment free night. Posey was sure to be rewarded for that save tonight… when the taco bell finally reached Dylan’s gut. Dylan was sure to make Posey suffocate and cum his dick off that night.

anonymous asked:

We know Tig loves Gemma's meatloaf. What are the other Sons favorite dish of hers?

Ah! I love this. Okay

Tig: Meatloaf as stated
Juice: Gemma likes to make things that give the guys a sense of “home” so Juice really enjoyed the time she made him Asopao de Pollo. It wasn’t like mom made it but Gemma kicks ass at everything she does so everyone enjoyed it, especially Juice.
Clay: According to Clay, Gemma makes the best roast and potatoes you will ever put in your mouth. He asks her to make it every chance he gets.
Jax: Jax is simple. Any homecooked meal is good for him but he especially loves his mom’s spaghetti and meatballs.
Chibs: As I said before, Gemma likes to give the guys a sense of being “home” so for Chibs, his favorite thing that Gemma ever made was Mince and Tatties. Just like mom used to make!
Bobby: Sometimes Gemma volunteers to make items for church and school bake sales. When she does, Bobby loves to go buy up all the banana bread she makes. It’s for a good cause!
Happy: Really spicy chili (lol)
Piney: Piney is a grumpy old fart that lives by himself living off of takeout and booze so anything that Gemma cooks is his favorite meal
Opie: Ope is simple, meat and potatoes and he is happy. So even though Clay is usually the one that actually COOKS the meat, Gemma’s steak marinade is unparalleled, and her mashed potatoes are better than anything he’s ever had.
Kozik: Kozik was in the military when he was younger and spent time in Fort Benning. While he was there he had the best southern fried chicken he had ever eaten in his entire life….. that is until he joined up with the Sons of Anarchy and got his paws on a couple drumsticks of Gemma’s secret recipe! Now any time he hears Gemma is making fried chicken he is first in line for a plate full!
NCT When You’re Sick

Requested by: anonymous (thanks for the hilarious request 😂 it was so difficult to write this without asking myself “wtf am i doing”) 

Submission: “Heyyy do you take requests??If yes, could you do a nct (127+Ten) reaction to you being sick asking them to leave but they stay and then… you accidently fart for a bit?? Because you know, no one can let it stay inside forever, especially when he’s sick😂😂 Sorry if it’s too childish😅😅 thank you for reading this😍😚”

Genre: fluff?? idek honestly lmao

Enjoy!!! early ps: im so sorry if this is a bit too awkward to read i tried ;000 but i hope you like it @anon!!!

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Tied With A Bow (Or Two)

A continuation of a flash fanfic challenge, based on this imagine from imaginexhobbit. As requested by @everyjourneylove​ and @waterlilyinclearwater(yes, I still have your notes saved :))

Characters: Reader, Bofur, Bifur, Bombur, Thorin, Dwalin, Kili, the company
Location: Somewhere on the quest
Warnings: misunderstandings, kissing, 100% pure, organic fluff
Word Count: 2453

This just confirms that I need to write more Bofur. Yup. Similar premise to Falling Stars, but I don’t give a flying fart. So there.

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