pairing: park jimin x reader genre: smut, college!AU word count: 900+ drabble prompt: “Are you doodling?” + “Forget it. You fucking suck.” + “Trust me.” + “I just need ten minutes.” a/n: this ones for you @heythereitsmo and you can thank Syd for that.
The holidays are an odd time. There are lights hung everywhere illuminating the streets with small glowing crystals that make the city look like a sort of comforting heaven a child conjured up in a dream. You walk through the streets and can smell the pumpkin spice floating from coffee shops, you can smell the slow roasted turkey being carved and served in restaurants. The air is crisp, the leaves on the trees a sea of oranges and reds of every shade imaginable. It’s my favorite time of year when I can hear the crunch of the leaves underneath my feet as I make my way to work in a heavy coat with a warm cup of coffee to warm my hands.
They’re an odd time because you can see the sadness in people’s eyes although their smiles try to convince you otherwise. The holidays are famous for being the time that families come together, the time when families join hands during thanksgiving dinner. The time that they gather around the Christmas tree sipping hot cocoa. It’s the time when the year ends with fireworks and excitement as you kiss the one you love underneath the colorful lights that fill the night sky.
Not everyone experiences the holidays the same way. I know that’s true for me.
I flew out to Vegas to spend Thanksgiving with my mom. She hates flying and in her condition I didn’t want to cause her more stress. She was more than happy to see me although it did take a moment to register on her face as her mind struggled to place where she knew me. I’m glad to say she still remembers me although it does take a fraction of a second.
I had decided to take her out of the home she was staying at for the night. Instead I checked us into the most luxurious hotel I could find. She deserved that much.
You can imagine my surprise when there was a knock at my door. I had booked adjoining rooms and could see my mother getting ready to go out to dinner so I knew it wasn’t her. You can imagine my face when I opened the door and saw Y/N standing there.
“Do you mind if I join you?”
Did I mind? No. I was thrilled. She explained how Penelope had booked her a flight and tracked my credit card to let her know where I would be staying. The team back home was enjoying Thanksgiving together, something I was missing as I resided in another state for the night.
“I think everyone should be with loved ones on Thanksgiving. So now you have me here too.”
I couldn’t explain to you how much her words made my heart sing. I couldn’t tell you the panic I felt as she walked into the hotel room and caught sight of my mother. For a split second I thought this was it. She would meet my mother and decide she didn’t want to spend her Thanksgiving with a woman who couldn’t remember much else. Instead she rushed into the adjoining room and introduced herself. My mother was taken by surprise but the smile on her face was genuine as Y/N showered her with compliments on her dress and earrings.
“I know who you are!” she had exclaimed as she recognized her. “Spencer’s shown me pictures of you! You look beautiful when you sleep. A true doll.”
I couldn’t fight the deep blush that crept into my cheeks. Of course my mother would remember that picture of them all. Y/N merely laughed and looked at me with a raised eyebrow but I found no judgement in her eyes. It was then that I took her in. She was dressed fairly fancy and I assumed Penelope had let her know about our dinner reservations. There was no doubt in my mind that she had even called ahead to let them know it would be three dinner guests instead of two.
I always think Y/N can’t get any more beautiful and somehow I am always proven wrong, because it wasn’t until she was under that dimly lit restaurant with a sparkling smile on her face as she laughed at a horrible joke my mother told that I finally understood her true beauty. Her beauty came from inside. Forget the fact that she was naturally stunning on a physical level. It was her smile, her laugh, her kindness that radiated throughout her that was what it was all about. It was her inner beauty- her understanding, her compassion, her livelihood that had made my heart melt away as if I was just another lovestruck fool. And maybe I am, but I don’t think I mind.
So it was later when my mother had gone to sleep and Y/N and I sat on the soft carpet floor with a bottle of champagne being passed back and forth that my mind decided that I need to do something. I was on a high that night as the alcohol rose to my brain and I could swear there were small stars rising off of her skin as I looked at her. She was ethereal, with the warm flush of her cheeks and the captivating smile she wore as we spoke about everything and nothing all at once. We both passed out in midst of laughter and drunken hugs, never once overstepping that boundary and yet craving to lay beside each other.
That was the best sleep I have ever had-laying on a carpet floor still dressed in fancy attire with Y/N’s warm figure lying just inches away.
I’ve come up with a solution. I’ll write her a letter. I seem to be better off writing than I am getting the words out and spoken, and maybe this way I can truly convey my feelings. So I think I’ll write and hope that I have the strength to send it her way. My mother always said the worst type of love is the one that is never admitted.
Best Regards, Spencer
I don’t think there is any other way to start this letter than to state what I have been hiding for so long.
I love you.
And somehow I think you know that. I think you’ve known that for a while. I think you can see it every time I look at you. I think you can feel it in every embrace. I know I do.
Every single time you smile it’s as if a rush of dopamine is sent to my brain, throwing me into a trance of pure happiness and excitement. Every time you laugh, that sweet melodic sound that seems to be as pure as your soul ever was, it’s as if my heart doubles in size. I can’t explain precisely how I feel but I know that staring at the stars with you was the most exciting thing I had ever done. I know that feeling your skin against mine as you held onto my hand was as reassuring as a candle being lit in a dark room, providing just barely enough light and yet filling you with comfort all the same.
You chose to spend Thanksgiving with my mother and I. That was something that sent my heart pounding as I watched you two interact. You have no clue how at peace I was that night, surrounded by the two women who mean the most to me. You have no idea how my mind filled with scenarios of us on every holiday after, dangling a near perfect future in front of me.
All I know is that I’ve never had as much fun as I did with you when we visited that pumpkin patch together, or when we shared that bottle of champagne in that Las Vegas suite as if we were just another pair of drunken adults ready to enjoy their night in a city that seemed to always buzz in excitement. The most exciting moments of my life seem to always be by your side.
I wish you could see my dreams where your face is painted in such delicate strokes, your eyes shimmering with stars of yellow as if Van Gogh himself had imagined you and decided that such a beauty had to be told. I wish you could see yourself dancing in the shades of golds and silvers, as elegant as the Greek gods with such a charming way to your every move that even Aphrodite would find herself burning with jealousy.
Maybe if you heard these things you would run away. Maybe I’m just a madman for falling so deeply for someone who I haven’t known for years. But there are millions of people who believe in love at first sight and if I had ever seen a work of art, it was the moment you walked through that door. The moment I saw you was the same moment that my breath was taken away and never truly given back. It was the moment that my mind was consumed by you, the moment you held all the power to bend me to your will, to toy with me, to do as you pleased. And yet you didn’t. You unknowingly held my mind in the palm of your hands and treated it with nothing but kindness.
Maybe I am a fool for confessing my feelings, but I would rather be a fool than to live forever not knowing. The only thing I know for certain is that I never truly understood what love was until you were willing to sacrifice yourself for me, and I had never felt peace until your lips pressed ever so softly against the skin of my cheek. And I find nothing but solace in thoughts of you, and I feel as if that’s the way it will always be.
My heart flutters like a hummingbird every time you look at me and my stomach is filled with whirlwinds full of butterflies of vivid color, yet another reminder of the physical effect you have on me. And it is when I am with you that I am no longer afraid. I am not afraid of the darkness because you are the light. I am not afraid of loneliness because your being radiates comfort beside me. I am no longer afraid of my mind because it was in you that I found my sanity.
I love you. I am so deeply, irrevocably in love with you to the point that yelling it from the rooftops is not enough. I want to write it down in sonnets, I want to paint it in color across canvas, across walls, all in order for you to see it. I want it to consume you just as it has consumed me, filling every corner of you with joy as the love I have vibrates through you, down to your feet and into the earth.
I want you to know that the man that sits across the room from you every day is the man that dreams about holding you. I dream of everything, from gentle touches to passionate embraces. I dream about the talks, the laughter, the soft murmurs before you fall asleep. And in my dreams I can still smell your sweet scent, I can still feel your soft skin, I can still hear your voice whispering things that my mind desperately wishes to hear.
I love you. I don’t think I ever truly understood what falling in love was like until you waltzed into my life and took hold of my being. It’s as if everything I am belongs to you if you are willing to have it, and I don’t think I would have it any other way.
I so desperately hope I had the courage to send this to you. Maybe it’s currently in your hands being read in silent disbelief by you, or maybe it’s out lost in the world, its words destined to remain unread by you. Either way, I hope the universe finds a way to send all of the love that is laced in every word written here to you. And I hope you feel it. I hope you feel that same rush of warmth spread through your veins like I have felt, and I hope it makes your heart beat faster. I hope it makes you smile that dazzling smile that you possess and I hope you know that you will be loved for all eternity by a man who’s been too soft-spoken to admit it until now.
Being pregnant did not suit you. You were always hungry or sick or tired. You wanted to cuddle and shoot something at the same time. And a lot of the time that thing was Cas.
That damn angel needed to get a clue. You had practically been throwing yourself at him for the past week. You didn’t understand what was wrong with your hormones but you had never experienced such a deep, primal need in your life. A need to feel skin on skin, to hear heavy breaths that softened into raspy moans and sweet whimpers that sent shivers down your spine and arms.
But Cas never noticed. He often mistook your advances as some kind of off-kilter aggression and apologized before disappearing to fetch you something to eat. You were pretty sure the food buy-offs were part of some shitty advice the Winchesters had provided. And it pissed you off that it usually worked.