August 21st, 2015 was the absolute worst day of my life. After years of already suffering from depression, which I obsessively hid from my family and friends, I had had enough. The one I “loved” more than myself and obsessed over and sacrificed everything for decided to stop talking to me, blocked my number and everything. I wondered what I had did wrong when really, all I did was love them.
When I got home I cried for hours, and laid in bed from light until dark. My family was going out that night and tried to get me to come. Of course I declined, I had other plans. I was going to kill myself that night. I looked at the collection of pills sitting on my dresser and got out of bed. I was weak from crying for literally hours, I was shaken with anxiety and my head ached. I knelt to the floor and just cried for more hours.
I realized they weren’t coming back, but I thought I could bring them back to me if I ditched the ‘mental shit’, if I got better, they’d want me again! How wrong I was…
The next day, in a fit of anxiety, thinking I was doing this for them, I told my mother everything. She was surprisingly supportive and we agreed to get me into therapy and on medication. In the back of my mind, I thought I’d be better in no time and they’d take me back and love me and my mental health issues would disappear completely. Wrong again.
After taking some time to really fall in love with myself again, learn about myself, and understand my mentality, I realized that they weren’t coming back. I didn’t do it for them anymore, but for me. Once I started working on myself for all the right reasons, I emerged from darkness like the strong Warrior I am today.
It has almost been a full year since that fateful day, and I am completely enamored with myself. I am stable, happy, and have found my niche in life. I am happy and outgoing, I have a really close group of friends that support me, and a family who helped me live. Once I became truly in love with myself, months later I found true love with another. I love us both. And I love me more. I am my first priority. I love me.
It gets better, it really will get better. I swear to you, once you find a teeny sliver of strength, go with it. Ride that feeling until it is no longer teeny. When I reached out, I almost backed out, but I forced myself to. And because of that, I am alive today. It’s not going to get better because someone will fall in love with the new you, it’s going to get better because you are going to love you. Life’s goal isn’t to find someone to love you, we have to love ourselves first. Please, talk to someone. Please don’t hurt or kill yourself. Never think you’re not good enough and don’t allow yourself to fall into such darkness. Control what you can, accept what you can’t. Always love yourself. Never give up on your journey to happiness. I believe in you. Now it’s time to believe in yourself.
There’s this jewelry box that I have zero emotional attachment to and I just accidentally knocked it down with my elbow and it broke and everything fell out. And that was like. The last straw that pushed me over the edge and I just sat on the floor and cried for like twenty minutes even though I don’t care about the box at all but I don’t think it was about the box :/
let me tell you John is the sweetest person alive. like I literally cannot explain it. the first thing I asked him was to write out the lyrics of 24 floors that hit me the hardest out of the whole song so I could get them tattooed. I failed to explain why I’m in love with this song so much because there were dozens of other people waiting to meet him. When I listen to this song, I imagine that I’m the person and John is the friend saying what’s in the chorus. it just gives my solace for everything that was wrong in my life. I literally cannot wait to get this tattooed.
love going through my swiftmas pics and finding ones i forgot about. taylorswift this one’s from an hour after i opened everything and during that hour i just sat and cried on my kitchen floor over your kindness and love for me. thank you so much. i’m still smiling.
i’ll be at the 1989 concert THIS SATURDAY, june 13th in philly. can’t wait to see you rock it in your homeSTATE!!!
But remember when Taylor noticed me for the first ever time?? I actually died. I was close to giving up because everyone was getting noticed and I wasn’t. My day finally came and I can’t even. I literally screamed, cried, fell to the floor and just laid there sobbing for at least an hour. Hours later she then tweeted the picture. SHE TWEETED MY FACE. I lost my shit, I almost fell off my bed, I was screaming, crying, I went crazy and I was shouting “OH MY GOD” I think I may have woke my neighbours up but that’s ok, I’m sure they would’ve understood. 27/10/14 was the best release day ever!!! I’ll forever remember that moment and my reaction. BUT NOW SHE FOLLOWS ME ON HERE & LIKED 31/1/15 what an end to January. THEN SHE SPAMMED ME LAST NIGHT 2/1/15 LIKING 5 POSTS IN THE SPACE OF 5 SECONDS WHAT A START TO FEBRUARY. Does this mean our friendship is real??? I love you so much Taylor, I can’t even put it into words anymore. ❤️