Sometimes, still, Carl will look at Negan and wonder why he
didn’t kill him when he had the chance, when they were at Alexandria for the
first time in two months and his dad, everyone, had ambushed the trucks, held
their guns to Negan’s head and told Carl to bash his brains in with Lucille. It
isn’t as if he’s never killed before—hell, he killed his own mom, and for all
his shit-talking Negan’s right, you don’t come back from that. Three years on
Carl still wakes up sometimes sweating feeling like her hand is on his wrist,
like she’s staring at him from a pool of blood, her stomach slashed open in
ribbons. His mom hadn’t exactly been there for him but he still misses her in a
gaping aching sort of way, like a gunshot wound, when he allows himself to
think of her at all.
But he hadn’t killed Negan. He hadn’t even tried. Lucille in
his hand and everyone, his dad, Michonne, Daryl—even some of the Saviors,
though Carl’s sure they’ve been taken care of since—screaming at him to do it
and he’d looked down at Negan, at that face he knew he was supposed to loathe
with his entire being, and it was like he couldn’t even breathe. The sun
shining on the back of his neck and the rest of Alexandria surrounding them,
closing in, first time he’d seen the place in eight full weeks and it hadn’t
even felt like home anymore.
He killed Glenn, the
logical half of Carl’s brain yells at him. And
Abraham might’ve been a dick but he didn’t deserve going down like that.
He killed Glenn and
Maggie would kill you if she knew.
But Maggie’s not here. Maggie’s at Hilltop. Carl’s at the
Sanctuary. And Negan’s alive, and try as he might, Carl can’t bring himself to
regret that. Not yet.
I was reading your thoughts on the newest Utapri episode, and I agree w/ everything except one thing (kinda? lol). You mentioned how happy you were that Eiichi addressed how Tokiya (and STARISH) don’t know anything about each other. But personally I feel like it was actually rather hypocritical of him, considering Eiichi himself likely didn't know anything about Otoya until he did that background check. Granted Tokiya went and got his own information, but how they used it was very different.
Hmmm I got what you meant and all, but like, I said a while ago (idk exactly when, I think it was during the NatsuNagi week, or even in the middle of the Otochi mess, but I’ve mentioned before that one of the things that bothers me about Starish is that, while they’re a good group and friendly with each other, they are not that intimate.
Like, during S1, Satsuki came out on Hayato/Tokiya’s concert, and while everyone watched that, no one (even Tokki) mentioned it ever again, even if by the way Nagi said it, the video of this was quite popular. They’ve been around each other for at the very least a year between the start of S1 and when they were a group in S2, and Satsuki was still a surprise to everyone, no one knew Otoya didn’t have a family (like ????? even people I study with at college, you usually have small talk where family is brought up??? I can’t believe they only got to know about it during his ep - and by accident). And even after that, no one asked him about how he felt, no member talked about it with him, this is insane, they live together, they are a team. Ren and Masa know about each other because they grew up together, but I pretty much doubt the other members know about anything regarding them and their childhood experiences.
Overall, they are friends and it’s all nice, but they are also strangers. I’m not saying that you should go on and investigate your members’ past and all (*coughs* Eiichi), but damn, they don’t know anything, they don’t ask anything, they just live… there… together… and the present isn’t the only thing that makes a person, the past is also important and talking about it makes bonds stronger. Starish managed to talk Satsuki down on leaving bc they knew about him (again, they found out by accident lmao). They’d be able to help Otoya if they knew more about him too.
Heavens took them out of the comfort zone they’d be trapped in forever, and because of that, all of the A Class members are being able to make peace with themselves and their past. Not only they are being confronted as individuals, Starish is being confronted as a team - they thought they knew everything about each other, but it isn’t the case.
I didn’t find it hypocritical of Eiichi to say it bc much like Nagi, he went on a research about the person he was about to make a collab with, since knowing each other better = understanding each other better. Tokiya didn’t make a move because he was interested in Otoya, but because he had no option. After more than probably 3 years living on the same room as your team mate and almost best friend, Tokiya realized he didn’t know Otoya well enough. The way he handled the information though, was way way better than the way Eiichi did, but it doesn’t erase the fact that he wouldn’t do it if he didn’t realize the truth in Eiichi’s words. And this is why he didn’t even get mad at him in the first place.