i hope at least one of you sang that line


6 am, a year ago. we were on the bus together in formalwear, trying to organize the rest of the group. you bought two cups of tea and handed one to me, grinning. someone said we were like an old married couple, like we were the group’s two moms. i tried to ignore it. i couldn’t stop thinking about that all day.

2:35 pm, a few years ago. we were walking home from school. you said that if neither of us were married in fifteenish years, we should just move in together in a little apartment. i liked that idea a lot.

12:07 am, last summer. you texted me. you said you thought you might love him. you said that you weren’t sure. i told you that you should go for it. i cried that night.

5:32 pm, last fall. you told me to come to your house. i brought noodles. we ate and you told me that you didn’t know how you ever liked him. you said it was hard for you to accept that. i shouldn’t have been happy.

9:40 pm, last fall. you invited me to homecoming, as a “platonic friend-date-thing”. your words, not mine. the day before, we bought our dresses together. you were (are) so gorgeous. neither of us liked to dance, but we sat at a table together and the room was too large and you were right there and it was perfect.

3:18 am, a few months ago. we were in your bed. i had music on. if it was a playlist of my favorite love songs, you didn’t mention it. “first day of my life” came on, and we both started singing along. i don’t know if you cared. it was probably just fun for you. but that song summed up how i felt (feel) so well. i can’t imagine life without you anymore, and in that moment we were what i hoped we could be. there was so much unspoken. we sang, “i really think you like me,” and for at least one of us it was true. it’s amazing how that singer packs so much into that line. i couldn’t look at you when i sang that. we fell asleep, tangled.

11:23 pm. i type this. i listen to that song. i was blind before i met you. and i know you were meant to love someone else, someone with less hard edges, someone easier to love. but we were supposed to be something, i think. “these things take forever, i especially am slow.” but maybe they’re happening anyway. maybe this is it.