i have value simply because i am

At Least Three Sizes Too Large - On Dean and John's Old Leather Jacket

I know I’ve been writing about this topic a handful of times before, but it simply remains a topic I am interested in and that happens to cause a tidal wave of emotions every single time as - whether consciously chosen by the creator of “Supernatural” at the time or not - this piece of clothing serves as such a fitting symbol and metaphor for Dean’s life from age 4 onwards. So what am I talking about - I guess the title of this post gave it away, didn’t it? ;) But yes, it’s John’s old leather jacket. The huge, beat up, faded, bulky leather jacket that Dean used to wear up until S5.

Now this may be a very unpopular opinion, but I always despised that jacket. And for more reasons than the obvious: that it didn’t fit Dean at all. Though that aspect is a vital and integral part of why this clothing item serves as such a massive symbol for a multitude of things connected to Dean’s story and his place in the narrative as well.

Because you see, the first thing that catches ones attention when looking at Dean in the early seasons when wearing that jacket is that it simply looks at least three sizes too big for Dean. The shoulders of the jacket don’t sit on Dean’s shoulders, it reaches far below his hips and just overall it looks as if Dean’s getting swallowed in all the material. Essentially that jacket not only makes Dean disappear almost, he looks lost in it. And he does so for good reason. His father was taller, had broader shoulders, was a very different built than Dean, he filled out that jacket. None of that can be said about Dean when looking at S1 for example where the fact that this jacket was not meant for Dean or rather that Dean didn’t buy it himself (unlike the purgatory jacket, but more on that later) is most striking.

Now the following is total headcanon, but I like to think that John passed down the jacket to Dean as a form of “recognition” or “act of pride” (I can’t quite find the right for word in English), basically a gift for Dean doing a great job with something, something like a sign that for Dean was connected with being valued, accepted and “a man” maybe to say it very broadly. Essentially I think to Dean that moment of receiving that jacket may have fallen together with a moment of pride and a sign of “love” and “attention” and “recognition” from his father that he craved.

Keeping this headcanon in mind, Dean wearing that old jacket, turns tragic rather fast - but then again, that may be just me as I am simply someone tending to focus on the drama/tragedy/more serious aspects of the narrative. Because while the jacket may have been meant as an honest gift out of the wish to show pride to his son, in the end to me this jacket symbolizes and highlights in such intricate fashion that Dean from the age 4 - and as he verbalized latest in 12x22 “Who We Are” - had to be so much more than any kid should ever have to be.

Because the way I see it, the fact that Dean is swallowed by that jacket and disappears in it almost is so telling and fitting to how Dean was forced to fill a role and walking in shoes two sizes too big - or rather a leather jacket at least three sizes too large - that he never could have. Yes that jacket to me symbolizes and captures the much too big responsibilty that was placed on Dean’s shoulder when he was a kid and was asked to serve as mom, dad and brother when he wasn’t even double digits - something any person would be overwhelmed by at any age but especially so when you are a child yourself.

So yeah, the fact that the jacket literally didn’t fit Dean and was passed down to him by his father (which is headcanon yes but bear with me) can be read as a direct pass down of “role” as well, a role not meant for Dean to play and fill, but that he tried to take up anyway, because that’s what Dean did and what he still does (though not as much as he used to, now it’s more that people try and manipulate him back into being what they want him to be because it’s easier for them, see Dean’s treatment by his loved ones such as Mary over the course of S12): trying his best no matter the circumstance and how unfair for him.

So the sheer size, the fact that Dean couldn’t fill his father’s jacket captures all of the above perfectly imo, furthermore however the fact that Dean practically swims in that jacket, as I said - seems to disappear in it - also describes rather disturbingly what happened to Dean after his mom died and his grieving father was unable to provide the love and nurture a growing kid like Dean after such a traumatic loss would have needed: Because with Mary’s death and what was asked of Dean and of what he needed to be and become, Dean the child (“Hunters are never kids, I never was”), Dean himself, the person he truly is or would have grown to become without the tragedy that followed his family ever since he was born, disappeared, was swallowed up and hidden like Dean’s body was swallowed by John’s jacket.

I know many people mourn the departure of that jacket (I actually secretly thank the person who stole it from set lol), but to me it couldn’t come soon enough. Because even though Dean is no longer wearing that jacket, it’s ghost still lingers on - even as far as into S12.

It’s also noteworthy how Dean used that leather jacket aside from simply wearing it - which was as a blanket. To me it almost carries a notion of “armor” in that regard, something like a “safety blanket” - which is especially an interesting aspect to ponder when keeping in mind that we see Dean sleeping fully clothed after Hell (the implications and conclusions drawn from that aspect alone are freaking devastating, I tell you) and often times using the jacket as his blanket. One may analyze that as a wish for (fatherly) protection that Dean didn’t receive and I won’t even go into how this whole topic gets all the more complex when taking into account how Dean later learns that his father did not break, when Dean did and what that does to Dean’s psyche and already more than fragile sense of self and self worth.

Tbh I actually was happy when Dean packed up John’s jacket when he decided to say yes to Michael (though you can draw a hell of a lot of very sad conclusions here too about how Dean sees himself and how important he deems himself opposed to his father or Sam), as one could have read it as him rejecting a persona and role he was forced to fill - BUT the reason why and how it happens is so tragic because essentially saying yes accounts to suicide for Dean, meaning he gives up playing his father’s role to literally give up his body to an archangel and giving up himself completely. There is nothing not absolutely tragic and sad and enraging about this, because Dean gives himself up again and again within SPN (that’s why he’s the true christ figure and will always be). Needless to say the jacket is right back in 5x22 “Swan Song” (if I remember correctly, I can’t check as I’m siting on the train - if he isn’t wearing the jacket there just scratch all of this paragraph) when he goes and tries to get through to Sam and protects his brother and stands with him, tries to keep him safe right until the end - the one thing both of his parents always failed at: keeping Sam and Dean safe. And once more in that moment as the whole episode with Chuck’s monologue fro the off and the story of the Impala replays the Winchesters’ story alongside the Impala’s and engraved into that is also the story of Dean, a young boy, who tried to be mother and father when all he should have had to be was himself, because just that, being Dean would have been more than enough.

So yeah, I was happy when that jacket was gone, even if Dean wasn’t freed and still isn’t from it’s symbolic power. That is why I loved it so much to see the next leather jacket he wore after he abandoned his father’s (even if maybe only because it was lost BTS) was in S7. You know, that gorgeous reddish-brown one that sadly didn’t survive purgatory (and even that you could analyze outside of the fact that the creators didn’t like the look of it on screen - idiots they are - with Dean being stripped off everything in purgatory). But the fact remains: Dean at some point during S7 went out to buy himself a leather jacket, a conscious decision. A leather jacket just for him. A leather jacket that fit. That he wasn’t swallowed by but that he owned, a leather jacket that highlighted just one simple thing: that it was Dean’s. Because being Dean is all Dean should ever have had to be.

So I guess the latest thing in the monosexual tag is someone made a comment about not understanding monosexuality? Or called it weird?

Well, I don’t understand monosexuality. Note, I don’t say “Gay sexuality” is weird, or “Straight Sexuality”. I say monosexual because - for me - being attracted to only one gender is a completely alien concept. I have no frame of reference for it, I have no idea what it feels like because I have had attractions to multiple genders for as long as I’ve been attracted to people. I, literally, do not understand what it is like to be monosexual. That is not a value statement (I am not disparaging being attracted to one gender) - it’s simply the truth.

I also do not understand what it’s like to be a woman. Or trans. Or an oppressed race.

Am I being homophobic by saying that?

Out of all the people I have commissions

I’ve only had one screw me over…..yeah, I’m “over it”, but still, I’m sad. I paid them $25, gave them what I wanted. It was Klance art, cute, simple.

Well the artist found out I was an open shipper. So they blocked me, without ever talking to me or giving me back my money and I found that really…..messed up. Like, I knew the person was an anti, but I wanted to support them because artist needs support and I only asked for what she wanted and not what she didn’t want.

I mean, if she was professional, she would have said sorry, I can’t draw this for you, returned the money or drawn me the picture I paid for and left it at that. But here I am, blocked, probably getting laughed at for “supporting her” with her friends, simply because I wanted to help an artist, regardless of what her views were because I see the value in art, fan art or not.

So, please Klance fans out there, I will not be sharing the user name, as she is rather popular, I hope she somehow sees this and understands. I’m not mad at you. You can keep the $25. I do hope you do wonderful things with your art. I am just sad and disappointed how you treated me this way and I do hope you do not do that to others.

Please carry on and be more respectful. Lets make Voltron a good place again, lets really stop this shipping hate, because really, it kills more creativity and causes a witch hunt among artist and other fan works that doesn’t need to happen.

Artist are wonderful people, regardless of what they view, they need to be respected, but if someone is paying, please be respectful for the payer too.

Cartman the ESTP-A

@laggage

These will be my own interpretations of each of the main four. Since these are gonna take a while I may as well separate them into individual posts by character. Besides they’re easier on people’s dashes this way.

Extraverted – “I like getting my energy from active involvement in events and having a lot of different activities. I’m excited when I’m around people and I like to energize other people. I like moving into action and making things happen.”

Pretty self-explanatory. Anyone who’s watched the show could tell you that Cartman’s favorite place is the spotlight. He thrives on the things going on around him, but only concerns himself with what he’s interested in. If he personally doesn’t deem the newest trends cool enough, he doesn’t want to be a part of them and will need a lot of pushing to get into it.

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Despite his obvious notoriety, Cartman actually has a very high range of influence, and if he really wants to, he can manipulate others to do what he wants. Whether that’s making every kid think Kyle did 9/11

Or rallying a group against Wendy for killing smurfs.

Granted the anti-wendy group was much smaller but Wendy’s popularity counteracting his influence, combined with the stupidity of his statements made only a few students actually believe him. But still, Cartman can say “Wendy kills smurfs,” and there are people that will actually believe him. That is evidence of his people skills.

The hidden con to this is that if Cartman is ignored for long enough, he becomes incredibly malleable to those who will give him attention. External attention is Cartman’s life force. He needs it to function. And when he says he would love it if he was the only person existing on the planet it’s definitely a front. That would be Cartman’s worst nightmare.

That being said, Cartman doesn’t mind alone time. It’s more the situation of there being people around that aren’t paying attention to him that gets him. In general if there was a threat of Cartman never getting attention again, he would not be happy.

Sensing – “Paying attention to physical reality, what I see, hear, touch, taste, and smell. I’m concerned with what is actual, present, current, and real. I notice facts and I remember details that are important to me. I like to see the practical use of things and learn best when I see how to use what I’m learning. Experience speaks to me louder than words.”

This is the businessman in Cartman. You’d think with his crazy schemes and big imagination that would not make him very in-tuned with reality, but it’s the opposite. Cartman is very observant of what’s around him, more so than any other boy in school. 

He is aware of patterns in groups, genders, races and even social classes. Granted he uses these to pass judgement on people in a way that he can unfairly dismissive manor, but he is very observant and even points out stereotypes he’s never heard anybody use before. And he’s especially observant of Kyle, so much that he can predict how he’ll respond to things.

Not only that, he knows what laws are being passed. He knows what he can and can’t do legally, whether it’s taking the Washington Redskin’s name or using the girl’s restroom because he identifies as a girl. 

By observing and keeping up with the world around him he uses these like pieces of a puzzle to put together a big picture of whatever he wants.

Thinking – “When I make a decision, I like to find the basic truth or principle to be applied, regardless of the specific situation involved. I like to analyze pros and cons. I notice inconsistencies. Sometimes I miss or don’t value the ’people’part of a situation.”

Cartman is a very passion oriented person. However, he’s also very methodical.

 I take Thinking over Feeling because these traits simply don’t apply to him;

  • I have a people or communications orientation.
  • I am concerned with harmony and nervous when it is missing.
  • I look for what is important to others and express concern for others.
  • I make decisions with my heart and want to be compassionate.
  • I believe being tactful is more important than telling the “cold” truth.
  • Sometimes I miss seeing or communicating the “hard truth” of situations.
  • I am sometimes experienced by others as too idealistic, mushy, or indirect.

While Cartman is definitely a people person, it’s more so because he understands how they work as opposed to feeling how they feel. It takes a much deeper connection for Cartman to actually care about how people are feeling, and this is only with a select group of individuals. His Mom, His four friends, and cats.

But Cartman is very down to business when he needs to be. He cares about  potential and wastes no time turning potential into results. Morality isn’t a concern to him, just efficiency. To him morality is just a word he can use to dupe competitors.

He will speak very bluntly with no regard for others’ feelings unless they’re valuable partners to him.

 and he will push his subordinates and not let anybody slack. 

Overall, he’d make a very efficient boss.

Him not being overly concerned about subordinate comfort will often make people defect from him, but it also means that he maintains efficiency. So while some leave, the ones that stay benefit from his methods.

This being clearly seen in the Wacky Molestation Adventure episode. Kyle and Stan left Cartman because he was in their eyes too strict and created their own sect of people. Even though they were lenient with their half of the town, their side also ended up filthy and savage while Cartman’s half had their usual clean clothes, while utilizing some weird fucking jar technology that Stan and Kyle’s side didn’t have.

At the end of the day even if he is affected by the atmosphere surrounding him, his actions do still make sense and he still weighs the pros and cons in most situations. This only stops being a fact when his ego is threatened, and then he becomes a wildcard.

Percieving – “ I use my perceiving function (whether it is Sensing or Intuition) in my outer life. To others, I seem to prefer a flexible and spontaneous way of life, and I like to understand and adapt to the world rather than organize it. Others see me staying open to new experiences and information.”

Cartman can be very stubborn, but only if what he’s pushing for is plausible in the atmosphere he’s in. Cartman is a very opportunistic person and adapts with whatever’s going on, attaching to the newest event and finding out ways to make it work for him.

His biggest struggle was with the PC agenda, unable to fit it into his personal interests at first. As he first saw it, PC was a threat to everything he enjoyed doing. PC Principal quickly beat that out of him, at which point he was actually having an internal arc in the hospital, trying to decide whether or not he should just adapt to this weird philosophy.

Before and afterward, his resistance to the PC trend strongly stemmed from Kyle. 

Kyle is a very strong influence to Cartman, and, in a dilemna where Cartman’s ego is clashing with his adaptability, he would rely on Kyle’s support to make that kind of decision.

The three things that keep him going in this decision being, his set of values, his adaptability, and Kyle’s set of values. 

Kyle ultimately gave up on going against political correctness.

In turn, so did Cartman.

And with this change he was able to adapt to the PC culture and use it to feed his ego the way he saw other people do the same. Despite what everyone thought he would do, he became part of PC culture and was able to make it benefit him.

Because he doesn’t need a set of values to be an asshole, he just needs to know how to use the set of values that the majority people believe in to his advantage.

He generally however adapts way quicker and much more instantaneously, never missing a beat. This PC culture along with the High School Musical scenario are the only two scenarios where he struggled to adapt.

Other times he was crowd funding, running a business, running half a town, rolling with the weird reality that there were creatures from the void invading their dimension, starting a peruvian flute band on the fly and making a boyband. 

Though Cartman is a domineering person, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a stubborn person. A lot of his control is being able to adapt to his surroundings and properly understand them. This requires him to be Percieving, to think on his feet and be receptive to whatever the universe throws at him.

Similar to Stan’s functions, Cartman’s are tightly knit together and complement each other very fluidly, allowing him to act without much hesitation most times.

Stan the ESFP-T
Kyle the INFJ-A
Kenny the ISFP-T

Check my character analysis tag~

Long time no see

It has been a while since I posted, but here I am, back to “black”.


What I mentioned in my previous posts is that YOU TRUST YOUR GUT! I mean it, learn to follow your intuition, to rely on it, because most of the time your inner voice is 100% right. 

Why to come back with this post? Simply due to my few POT conversations I had in past weeks. And there are big differences between real POTs, time wasters and splendas. I’ll start with the most recent one, which turned out to be another time waster in the line. 


1. The time waster

So, this guy contacts me first, back on SA, seems legit, fancy cars, nice clothes, classy surroundings. We hit it off with a few messages and he gives me a phone call after texting. My God he talks too much, and by too much I mean after minutes of his monologue I had the chance to say a sentence. Anyway, fast forward to allowance talk, he asked about the sum which would make me care free monthly, I state it and he goes and raises that amount for double. For a moment it felt too good to be true (it turned out it was, later on) yet I engaged in his proposal and continued with the conversation, cherry on the top - he wants to pay a year in advance, oh my I thought my ears are not functioning well. 

However, here come the very first red flags, after mentioning the allowance, he starts telling about his previous arrangements, the girls he met trough the site, and, HOLD YOUR BREATH, he met 17 girls in one year?!?!? What? And none was good? Then he goes and talks about the two latest women on his “portfolio” and I quote. The first one didn’t suit him in bed so he left her just 1k on the table before leaving her hotel room and never talked to her again, the second one he met 9 times but she lived too far so allegedly it didn’t work because of the distance because he wanted her to move in with him????!!!! what!? NO MENTION OF ANY ALLOWANCE. Silly me, I continued talking with him for next couple of days.


Fast forward to our plans to meet. Everything seems in motion, no BS no nothing, we got to a date of our meet and my God I was looking forward to it $$$ :)

But, there is always a BUT, in this case a big one, he out of nowhere starts asking if I am meeting him just for money, how he wants someone to like him for what he is and not what he has yada yada yada, fine, I coped with that, disregarded it and moved on with the talk. Next day, HERE IT COMES, he starts the conversation how he “met his old friend” and they had an enlightening conversation, and that made him realize that he is “wasting his life” with the arrangements and that he will quit SA and find someone to settle down!?!?! LOL!!! -FINE WAY OF SAYING I AM NOT PAYING ANYTHING AND I WANT A YOUNG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN FOR NOTHING. Did I mention he said how he is a sex addict ? No? well yes. So, translated to English, FREE SEX, ATTENTION AND AFFECTION FOR FREE OF COURSE. 

After the “I changed my mind I want something meaningful” talk, I politely said that’s fine and I understand *thanks for wasting my time asshole* thinking he would back off and stop texting. Whatsoever, he starts bombing me with messages more and more how this is the best advice he got, how we can meet but there will be no cash “Oh do you still like me?” “I want people to like me for who I am not what I have”, and I beg your pardon, he continues with the meet and goes like “oh but let me know when you can come and I will meet you, but I need 5 days noticewithout even offering to pay for the airfare.Like seriously???


I made it this elaborate in order to give an insight to all newbies but also the experienced SBs(I always appreciate when I can read about real life situations and examples) how men can think of million excuses when they have no intention of paying. 


REAL SDs, always mention the allowance in the first lines of conversation, 90% of the time they already have a number they are ready to give to a SB. Remember, NO LEGIT SD will mention any OF the above stated excuses nor he will try to negotiate a trial period. 


Keep your eyes wide open dolls, don’t let these men scam you into anything


2. Splenda 


There are various examples of this category but I’ll highlight the most obvious ones. 

My last splenda talk started totally normal and usual for the SD/SB talk, after the contact on SA (profile was rather shortly written) yet there were some clues this guy was rather salt. In his profile he stated he is offering “dinners at nice restaurants, trips to private islands, sailing, gifts” with the budget stated High. 

We go on an engage in a conversation, exchanged few photos and discussing the possible meet and the dates. 

First red flag is that he never asked about the allowance nor he proposed one himself. Of course I went on and asked what amount should I expect if we decide to move forward with the dates and meet and I noted that if he expects intimacy I would consider that our arrangement started and I in this case as much as he expects intimacy I expect an allowance. 

Right from the blue sky he goes nuts and says he doesn’t do allowances and he can offer a gift in value of 500$?! I am like what?? He doesn’t do cash because it is too transactional and if he wanted an escort he would hire one!? God save me from whorefobic man!!! I go and politely ask, why he stated his budget High and I tell him that it is referred to an actual Allowance, to which he replies “It is all the expenses I will have when it comes to a SB - tickets, drinks, catering, hotel rooms and small gifts from time to time” what?! ARE YOU JOKING? 

I didn’t continue with this conversation, I simply went and blocked him.

The point is, always and I repeat ALWAYS READ CAREFULLY the profiles, don’t be afraid to ask about his stated budget to what does it apply is it the amount of allowance or all the expenses together. 

Understand that there is nothing to be ashamed of, or, nothing to make you feel uncomfortable when asking what you are getting. REMEMBER, you are putting your YOUTH, your energy and your time that can’t be bought, usually, to much older men that will not even appreciate it for a second. So, go ahead get your hustle on and get your allowance!


I also firmly believe that SDs below 40 can’t be legit. Of course, there are exceptions to this and I am very happy if one of you dolls found a good looking mid 30s guy. PLEASE, disregard the wanna be 20something boys. Unless they are BACKROUND VERIFIED.


3.Real POTs


Needles to say why I left the best for the last. 

This category is very rare but still exists! No matter if you approached him first or he did so, usually there will be very few photos on the sites itself and he will share it later on via email/whatsapp/*insert the way of communication*.

Men like this like to initiate things. 

He will go and propose a meet/trip himself, the desired dates etc. He will also go on and say either he will give you something per meet basis or he will go straight for the monthly amount. There will be no blurred lines or misunderstandings in his proposal. 

Most of REAL SDs highly VALUE THEIR TIME, therefore will be no games and he will state right away what he is offering, eg. x amount of time per month for x amount of $$$ w/ or without gifts etc.


With men like these, dolls, go for it and seal the deal ASAP. If his offer is something which is convenient for you then don’t hesitate for a second, go and make the arrangements without postponing.

Also note that no real SD will engage in any sex talk before the meeting, maybe he could ask if there is something he should be aware of regarding the bedroom time but will never explicitly describe any action.

Latest real POT of mine went straight forward and after few initial messages proposed the following: 5-7 days in Seychelles, business airfare, private villa and 2000$ of pocket money. He mentioned the time frame as well, in which it would be ok for him to arrange this trip. There were no requests of me sending bikini photos and he sent a request for my private ones after we exchanged several messages with asking first if I can open the private photos. 

Again, LEGIT POTs and SDs will waste no time and will be straightforward from the beginning what they want and offer. Every man knows what he can afford therefore he will be the one to suggestTHE NUMBER”. There will be no parts of the arrangement untold, 95% of the time you won’t need to ask anything about the allowance, meets, amount of time, because he KNOWS what he wants and what he can offer in return.




I HOPE this post will help all the newbies and also remind experienced SBs of the examples in the sugar bowl.


Stay safe dolls and happy hunting!

Barbie

The Art of Falling In Love - with yourself

I have an extremely low self-esteem. I am self-conscious about every aspect of my life and body. While I’m still having a difficult time trying to find Mr. Right, I’m having an even worse time trying to feel okay in my own skin.

My family is really no help. Yes, my parents (mostly my mom) calls me beautiful at least once every few days. But she also insists that I should have a boyfriend by now. As if it wasn’t hard enough to find someone, now I feel terrible because I’m trying to find someone, and I simply can’t.

This inability to find the perfect guy, as well as the pressure I get from my mother, leads me to believe that I am worthless. This lowers my self-esteem every time someone asks me about my love life, or lack thereof.

Anyone can google tips for self acceptance. Instead, I have googled them for you, and will present six steps. (all from lifehack.org)

1) Find YOUR set of values and don’t stray from those

2)Stop surrounding yourself by toxic/hurtful people

3) Take care of your body

4) Find ways to love and enjoy your work and your life

5) Make good decisions

6) Speak to yourself nicely, with good intentions

(I altered these slightly, using synonyms, so they are not word-for-word)

Okay, so these are six stages of self-acceptance. May I just say, all of these are extremely broad?

For example: Number 2.

If every single person in my life is toxic, I will not distance myself from them. My mother could be considered toxic because she makes me feel bad, but she doesn’t even notice it. All of my friends won’t shut up about their perfect lives. I can’t be the person to tell them to stop talking! I conclude that number 2 is unrealistic. Sure, if you have one or two “toxic” people, go ahead and cut them off. But when your core relationships are full of melancholy, you’re not going to become a hermit.

Number 3.

I refuse to stop eating donuts. I refuse to stop eating mall pretzels. I refuse to stop eating McDonald’s, and ice cream, and chips, and popcorn. I refuse.

Number 4.

HOW ABOUT YOU RECOMMEND SOME WAYS TO START LOVING LIFE YOU IDIOT? The reason I’m in this ditch of self-pity is because I don’t love life OR my job. Telling me to simply find ways is extremely ludicrous. If I could just “find ways” to love life, I would have by now.

Number 5.

Your definition of making “good” decisions could include helping in the community, helping around the house, etc. My definition of making “good” decisions include only drinking one bottle of wine instead of two, and not eating the whole dozen donuts. But thanks for trying, Life Hacks.  



I am going to straighten up these broad steps for self-acceptance, for people who are like me and need a little push in the RIGHT direction.

1) Who cares if you eat the last doughnut. Did you want that doughnut? If you wanted it, then why would you be upset, because you got it? If you don’t want it, then don’t take it. It’s that simple.

(What I’m trying to say is, if you want it, go get it.)

2) Try new things. Step outside of your comfort zone once in a while. And it doesn’t have to be extreme. Simply take a bite of a new food; if you like it, GREAT! If you hate it - hey, it was only one bite.

Or, you can go the extra mile and try walking a new trail, see new sites. Go somewhere you’ve never been before. (This can include down the street, or the other side of the world).

3) Life’s too short to do things that you don’t want to do. If you hate your job, go print off some resumes, and start from scratch. At the end of the day, it’s just a job. It does not define who you are as a person.

If your feeling pressure by ANYONE to do something you don’t want to do, don’t do it. It’s your life, not theirs. Your parents want you to go to university, but you want to travel the world? Do what you want. Make yourself happy. Don’t suffer for someone else’s pleasures. Keep yourself happy.

4) Don’t let your happiness depend on someone else. Don’t wait for someone to make up happy, go make yourself happy. If you depend on other people for your happiness, you may be waiting for a while. Don’t sit at home, waiting for a text message. Go and make your own fun. who cares if you go by yourself. Create your own path.

5) Don’t be afraid to cry. Don’t be afraid to get mad. Get mad! Cry your eyes out. Cry until you have no liquids in your body anymore. But remember, cry over it once, then never cry about it again. Never let anything, or anyone, be so in control of YOUR life and your emotions.

And lastly,

6) Be yourself. I know that is a broad term, but hear me out. My interests, my desires, my fears, are going to differ from your interests, desires and fears. It’s good to go outside your comfort zone (as I discussed in number two), but stay true to yourself. Pretending to be someone your not can cause the greatest distress in a persons life. Never wear a mask. Do what you love. If someone judges you, who cares? They clearly aren’t happy with their life. Don’t feel embarrassed about anything.

I have so many other tips, but I figured I would keep it at 6, to correspond with the Life Hacks list.

Stay True, Stay You. 

Goodbye, 피 땀 눈물! 💞
  • Chances are slim but can we reach 100m on BST before tonight's comeback please? Idk I feel sad to let this era go. We will now be visiting another mv and talk about it for days, months even. There will be another set of mindfucking conspiracies and theories, and new bighit's bomb which will surely make us turn into ashes. I am so grateful for this era as there are so many new ARMYs who entered the fandom because of BST. This era conquered countless new awards and achievements. This era embedded yet another beautiful tattoos in our hearts. This era molded new lessons and values as for our being human individuals. Dream high, do not be afraid to have high ambitions, do it with determination and effort, and surely your fantasy will turn to reality one day. This era is simply.. beautiful. I appreciate it so much. But it also makes me quite glad that BTS is going to be a step closer to further success, with us ARMYs of course. I'll stream a little more of BST before tonight's awaited comeback. More power, BTS! 💞
  • PS: Dont forget to stream, vote and download their music okay? Let's do our best to support them.
  • 안녕히가세요, 피 땀 눈물 💞
  • Chimchimdooly

wingedsneakers  asked:

hi! I'm a bi girl, and I was wondering if the butch/femme scale is only for lesbians, or if it's for all wlw.

hi! this isn’t a question with a straightforward answer because a lot of people have differing opinions, and i think they’re all worth considering or at least understanding. i wouldn’t feel comfortable saying either way like “these people are definitely right and these people are definitely wrong” so unfortunately…this is kind of a wordy explanation lol.

some people say lesbians only, because the terms were specifically talking about how women experience gender/presentation/attraction without the presence of men. like, butch subverts masculinity, it adopts “masculine” characteristics while saying “there’s nothing inherently male about this, look i’m a woman i’m doing it too” essentially. while as femme also sort of subverts heteronormativity and patriarchal gender norms, because it’s like femmes are expressing their gender often times the same way that the patriarchy has socialized them too, but while still saying “my value and worth is not defined by what men think of me because i have no interest in men and i am not available to them.” both are about being women without the context of men.

so you can understand why some lesbians would say that if you are interested in men, you can’t possibly experience being butch or femme in the way that they’re actually supposed to mean. i think they’re also concerned that butchness will simply become associated with masculinity and femmeness with femininity, which is really the complete opposite of what they’re supposed to mean.

some people say that the terms are for all wlw, because the important part of butch and femme is attraction to women rather than the lack of attraction to men. this rubs me the wrong way, quite honestly, because obviously a significant part of being a lesbian is the lack of attraction to men. but i DO think they make a good point when they say that the emphasis here (regarding butch and femme identities) is about how women interact with other women.

and then there’s people who will just go back to history—yes, it’s a lesbian originated term, and anyone using these terms has a responsibility to know about the history that they’re adopting. if you don’t really know what a butch or a femme is or how the terms originated, i don’t think you have a place to use them if you’re not a lesbian. BUT i also think that it’s very important to understand that the way we define sexuality today is different than they did back in the 60s or so, when these terms started becoming popularized. we can’t do revisionist history—we have no way of knowing how many women might have called themselves lesbians because the concept of bisexuality wasn’t as widely understood, how many women might have called themselves lesbians because all they knew was that they weren’t straight and it didn’t make sense to keep dating men, etc etc. lgbt people were seen as so Other back then, that it’s like…..either you were straight, or you were some sexually deviant heathen, and people didn’t really bother differentiating between lesbian and bi women because the important part is “these women are debased and perverse” lmao.

my personal take on it is that all bi women are different and experience their bisexuality differently, so while you may call yourself bi it’s not my place to decide how much relevancy your attraction to men has on your life. i kind of think it’s like, completely absurd for me to tell a bi woman whose been married to a woman for longer than i’ve been alive that she’s not allowed to call herself a butch, you know? but if you’re a bi woman who like primarily dates men then it’s kind of like……….what business do you have calling yourself butch or femme, you’re just muddling the meaning, which is precisely about how women interact with other women in sexual and romantic ways.

anyway, this is a mouthful. so like the tl;dr version is: if you’re comfortable defining your sexuality in the terms of primarily being available to and wanting to interact sexually/romantically with other women, yes i think you can call yourself butch or femme.

and if this is about reblogging my alignment chart (which i think it is) then yeah it’s just a joke and i have no problems with all wlw reblogging it.

anonymous asked:

I'm aroace but I have doubts if it's a real orientation or not. I just realized, that asexuality (plus sex repulsion in my case) is kind of evolutionary dead end. Why would evolution choose for individuals like me? It doesn't make sense. I'm considering the possibility that it's a sickness... I'm not trying to start discourse or offend anyone - I'm really sorry if I did... 😢 But it's a serious and deeply troubling question for me and I just can't stop thinking about it. Help please...

I was struggling with myself whether I should answer that or not, but I’m going to give you the benefit of a doubt and try my best here. [Aphobia Warning! for all my followers who don’t want to read this]

First of all, yes, aroace is a real orientation. It means a person does not feel romantic and sexual attraction. It is not a sickness or disease. And sex-repulsion is not a bad thing. It’s just the way you are and that’s ok.

Secondly, you can’t just apply evolutionary biology to people like that. You just can’t. People are so much more than their biological traits. The last people who literally applied evolutionary biology to human beings were supporters of eugenics and literal Nazis. (And I don’t want anything to do with either.) However, I don’t believe that your views are influenced by this (I sincerely hope not), but rather by learning raw biological theories at school without any context. I remember learning the “five signs of life” (or something like that) in biology class in high school, and one of those “signs” was “the need to produce offspring” and I was like “lol according to that theory I’m not alive”, but of course I am. Because some biological models you can’t just apply to human beings literally. We’re more than our genes and our ability to procreate.

Just think about what exactly you’re saying here. You’re basically saying that you think that life (including your life) only has value if you procreate and “pass on your genes”. So what about infertile people? People who simply don’t want any children? People in same-sex relationships, who will never have any biological children? Don’t their lives have value? (The last one is a super old homophobic argument by the way, which was used to portray homosexuality as “unnatural” and “wrong”. I hope you don’t support this. Or any of this for that matter.)

Your life does have meaning, even if you don’t have children. I found this list of important people who never had children on Google (http://brianhassett.com/2010/06/people-who-dont-have-kids/) and it includes people like Plato, Isaac Newton, Michelangelo, Jane Austen, Nikola Tesla, Dr. Seuss, Alan Rickman, Harriet Tubman (who had an adopted child), Queen Elizabeth I, Amelia Earhart and Rosa Parks. Their lives had meaning, they changed the world without ever having children. You can contribute so many other things than your genes and offspring in order to make the world a better place. Inventions, art, writing, music, teaching children, providing expertise - and even if you “just” help an old lady with her groceries you’ve made the world a better place for someone.  

So, don’t let other people tell you that your life is only significant if you have children. You can have a fulfilled, childless life. This attitude that having children is the only/most important way you can contribute to society is both homophobic and misogynistic, and it ends in “women are obligated to have children”, “women are birth machines” and “any relationship which differs from the heteronormative “norm” is unnatural”.  I really hope I’ve made you reconsider your point of view, because it’s very damaging and hurtful- not only to other people, but also to yourself.

(Also, I’m pretty sure that asexuality also appears in other species- just like homosexuality. There was this semi-serious post going around ace tumblr for a while, about a snail that rejected all partners that zookeepers wanted to pair them with. I’m sure there are better examples, though, if you go around digging through scientific sources.)

anonymous asked:

(1/2) Hey Steph! This is a long ask, so feel free to take your time answering as I love your insights! I have two Q's actually. 1. Was TAB supposed to be a standalone? I heard that they lied and something about how it was vital that they showed it before S4, but in hindsight (tinfoil hat aside), I don't see any connections between the two? 2. What were your initial thoughts on the "I Love you" trailer before S4? Ik many use this as proof for queerbaiting, but as a casual viewer then, I...

(2/2) thought y’ll were ridiculous for believing that it’s John when he was clearly in the background. Ofc after rewatching the series with an open mind, I became aware of my own prejudice and am all aboard the Johnlock train now. But I would imagine that as a shipper then, my hopes would be gone after seeing that, not fuel confidence like it did for some. Ik it’s done and we know who it’s to, but I’m interested in hearing the insights from a Johnlocker at that time. Thanks! :)


Hey Nonny! 

Never a problem! I’ll try to answer as best I can!!

1. Ahhh, TAB is an episode I studied IMMENSELY. I love it so much. Mofftiss, before TAB aired, kept insisting that it was a standalone episode and had nothing to do with the current timelines. They also kept saying that “the time is right for us to do this” which had us believing that they were insistent in getting it out before S4, which is why a lot of us DIDN’T believe that the episode was standalone. Many thought it was important because it was foreshadowing the events to come and let us know what Sherlock knows and feels for John…. essentially, instead of trying to solve the mystery of Moriarty, he ended up rediscovering his own self, and finally learning to love and accept John into his life as an equal, not as someone he needs to protect and keep safe. The episode was a huge character-building episode for Sherlock specifically, and I personally think it’s one of the most important episodes of the series. Because “it’s all a dream”, it forces the audience to use metaphorical interpretations of Sherlock’s character and of the people around him, showing us what he knows and how to teach us to see below the surface and read the subtext.

Many people think that it is a “key” to understanding what the hell is going on in S4, and reveals to us that if something seems wrong in the Sherlock universe, then something most likely is. Some people have suggested that the “alternatively” that we have been flipped to in the opening credits is when a secondary timeline had started. I personally don’t think so, since so much character development happened on Sherlock’s part in TAB and to exclude it negates all that development he had. Plus everyone was very much in character, so I digress. I do believe, though, that Unreliable Narrator started in T6T’s D-Notice scene.

Regardless, TAB helps us understand how to read the subtext at a metaphorical level. So when we refer to “John’s TAB” we mean that John is also now having hallucinations of his own, and everything in TFP is all metaphorical like it was for Sherlock – Sherlock’s is Victorian and dramatic like him, and John’s is full of pop culture and horror tropes like the things he likes. In that sense, it makes TAB connected to S4, since it helps us uncover the subtext below. 

Unfortunately, much of S4 is so inconsistent that I honestly have no idea how THAT season connects to the rest of the series, LOL. But if it is all a metaphorical season of a play-by-play of the events of the series so far, then I suppose it can work. It has been suggested that S4 is a “reverse” of the events that have happened so far, or a subtextual replay of the series. I can’t find the post at the moment, but it’s an interesting read.

2. Well, given what we thought was going to happen, and given the logical narrative next step in the chain, I as well initially thought it was finally Sherlock admitting his feelings, but upon sitting on it more, I then thought it was either blackmail and Sherlock was being forced to confess his feelings under duress, or it was a passcode.  When Mark revealed that Sherlock was “speaking to a mirror”, I then thought it was going to be Molly, but it won’t be good. And lo and behold, what we got was the forced ILY that we did get, which was exactly an entire scene mirroring John, especially if it is in John’s head (she’s even wearing the same sweater that she wore when she was “being John” in TEH). It was baiting, though, especially since BBC themselves kept using it to boost the watch numbers (”who does Sherlock love?!?!!!111?”) and while I am glad that it wasn’t directed at John, I am horrified that it instead destroyed the character arc of Molly, who, in S3, “grew up” and it really seemed like she was done with Sherlock and finally understood he was gay and in love with John. The only way I can deal with it is with John’s POV / TAB reading of the episode: it’s how John has always viewed Molly, and this is his projecting his own fears of Sherlock’s “reciprocation of feelings” – as in he fears Sherlock will only say it because it’s what John wants to hear, and not mean it. It’s a very powerful scene at the subtextual level, but on the surface level, it’s very misogynistic (ie. woman being used only as a throw-away plot device and hopelessly in love with the male lead) and terribly drags Molly’s character through the mud. It makes me sad that many cannot see it as such.

As I’ve said numerous times, I’m 50 / 50 on S4. I cannot logically take it at face value simply because of how inconsistent and fucky it all is, and my brain just cannot understand how we went from TAB to S4 without either something happening in the interim, or there being a bigger plan in play, ie. TJLC. I still firmly believe Johnlock is endgame, but I also accept the very likely possibility that the series is over – I have to remain a bit skeptical since I am a creature of logic and because of the “finale” feel of TFP (ie. no cliffhangers) and the post-season interviews with the actors makes me think that it’s likely that it’s not really coming back. But I remain hopeful… I have too much fun doing what I do, and I thoroughly enjoy making people feel better about the series again, as best as I can.

PHEW! Sorry, I ramble a lot; seeing as you are a new Johnlocker I assume you’re also new to my blog and therefore have just discovered how long winded my responses can get when I am passionate about a topic! That all said, thank YOU for allowing yourself to at least give us the benefit of the doubt and understand where we were coming from – it’s all most Johnlockers and TJLCers ever ask for, to be honest. We aren’t trying to convert people, we just want people to understand how narrative structure and tools work, such as mirrors and subtext. I mean, I’m tickled pink that you are all aboard with us, and I am happy that you just watched the episodes through new goggles. Here’s a fun game, Nonny: Now that you have Gay Goggles™, rewatch all the episodes again, and then ESPECIALLY DIE at TSo3 (my Johnlock Enlightenment Episode®) – you’ll be kicking yourself once you realize how close to the surface it really all was and – if indeed S4 is the final season – you’ll understand WHY we call it all queerbaiting. It’s not even subtle in S3 especially, but yeah, it fucking HURTS to see how much they love each other and how hard Mofftiss just keep making them stay apart. It’s REALLY apparent in S4, like it looks like they’re doing everything possible to keep John and Sherlock apart because Ben and Martin can’t fucking stop making Goo Goo eyes at each other, LOL.

Anyway, TL;DR: 1) Surface level, no, it doesn’t really connect except as the “what happened on the tarmac” filler episode, but subtextually it is the key to the series as a whole. 2) Yes, it was baiting of all kinds, hetero and queerbaiting… sadly a lot of The Others didn’t see how fake that whole scene was and how much it dragged Molly, and I feel sad for them, genuinely, because what kind of standards for relationships do they have if they thought that scene was real and genuine? Sherlock clearly didn’t want to do it because it wasn’t true, and he cares for Molly very much as a friend and didn’t want to hurt her.

I hope I answered your questions alright! Cheers Nonny!

Under Your Radar (Kim Seokjin)

MedievalAU!Jin

Word Count: 2,894

Genre: Fluff, Angst
A/N:

Thank you for requesting anon, I hope this is close to what you wanted, even though I kind of changed it a bit and I apologize for the wait and that the accuracy of some of the things may not be to the tee but I hope you’ll understand. Thank you for requesting and if you or anyone else wants me to do a part to I can! Also, one quick thing, I apologize if you do not have the fair skin that I describe the reader having in this story but in Southeast asian countries fair skin is something that was associated with royalty and your status on the social scale. Simply put, the fairer skin you had, the less you were outside, meaning that your family could afford to not have you working outside. Essentially, the paler the better and if you are familiar with the Japanese, Korean and Chinese makeup industry (I am because I am a makeup and skincare feind)  and the thousands of whitening and brightening products on the market it is easy to see that this is a value that is still very meaningful in those countries. But just to be clear I’m not trying to discriminate against any race or skintone I’m just trying to be historically correct. Okay I’m done now, enjoy.


You laid awake in your bed, the humid air that filled your room resulting in a restless night.

Keep reading

“I am a fucking dog.” - EDH

I guess some people have no sense of humor about the dog posts.
Ahem, such a surprise.   

Those were simply ridiculous asks that warranted ridiculous answers, and I just had to dish back for a bit of fun because the entertainment value of those two dudes as dogs was simply too gold to pass up – especially once the visions started popping into my head ala Eric saying emphatically  “I am a fucking dog”  And, well, frankly, it does get tiring answering straight laced Qs. 

Anyway, people need to stay in their lane and do their own things that make them happy on their own blogs. Why the need to post huffy judgments about other peoples’ blogs in an obvy attempt at stirring drama?  If you don’t care for something then ignore it.  It’s really that simple. 

I was kind of amazed that over 100 of you got a kick out of both of those posts. I mean yeah, the posts are silly-stupid so I’m scratching my head over a number of likes that I saw this morning.  

Glad most of you are big enough people, with a sense maturity and humor about you, to enjoy a bit of levity now and again in light of those who continue to perpetuate the negative vibe in this community. 

So, if you enjoyed going along for those off-the-beaten-path ask replies then just know that I dig you and if you’re a coolio follower of mine, I.<3 you.


So I have this huge thing in my life and I haven’t been able to find it written anywhere that I relate to, although I’ve searched, but it seems so INFJ to me and I’m wondering if you guys feel the same–
Based on how guarded and private we are, how we feel very misunderstood, how we’re very sensitive, eccentric, sometimes excessive due to passion, all that, I can see how my INFJ personality relates to my absolute overwhelming insecurity. I have this insecurity with my relationships, platonic or not, that I find massive. Without ever thinking it or convincing myself of it or really any feeling any other way, I automatically assume that no one likes me. And if they say they do, I don’t believe them. I don’t believe they actually care. They don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. There’s always someone better. They can tell me they care but if I see them an hour later with someone else, the jealousy doesn’t enrage me, it supports this point in my head that proves no one will ever chose me. It’s totally about my trust issues, my inability to be vulnerable, the way that I’m always misunderstood. Because I feel like no one comprehends who I really am enough to 1.) value it, 2.) talk about it accurately in a way that I can trust their judgment, 3.) just simply actually care about me. I have lots of confidence in myself but no confidence that people would ever see appreciate my goodness. Even if they say they do, I feel like they can leave the next day. I don’t really know what they’re feeling and it’s so plausible that they might just lose interest in me, give up, quit. And I don’t want to be hurt or clingy or, really, the one in the vulnerable position.
It’s crazy how much it dominates my life. I’m so insecure and it’s pretty impossible for me to ever feel safe and secure in any relationships. I have such trust issues and it’s hard for me to open up, allow someone to have control of my emotions, because that trust is so, so, so hard to give and I am so, so, so guarded.

There are too many INFJ traits in this problem for it to be only mine. Maybe just my specific personality as an individual just mixes and emphasizes this insecurity to me along with the INFJ inclination. How about you?

It is idle to say that men are of equal value. If value is taken in a worldly sense–if we mean that all men are equally useful or beautiful or good or entertaining–then it is nonsense. If it means that all are of equal value as immortal souls, then I think it conceals a dangerous error. The infinite value of each human soul is not a Christian doctrine. God did not die for man because of some value He perceived in him. The value of each human soul considered simply in itself, out of relation to God, is zero. As St. Paul writes, to have died for valuable men would have been not divine but merely heroic; but God died for sinners. He loved us not because we were lovable, but because He is Love. It may be that He loves all equally–He certainly loved us all to the death–and I am not certain what the expression means. If there is equality, it is in His love, not on in us.
—  Membership, The Weight of Glory

nonsense-girl  asked:

Could I have Mayuzumi's s/o feeling jealous of his ex because the two still seem quite close and Mayuzumi's s/o feels that he hasn't fully moved on from his ex yet? Angst but with happy ending. Thanks.. ^^

sure!

“___, look, look.” 

Your head snapped up from your phone at the sound of your name. 

“Look at what, Kotaro?” You questioned the blonde haired boy. 

“Hide! Hurry, ___!” 

You stifled a gasp as he pulled you into the bushes. You weren’t sure what your friend was going on about – but at this point you have gotten used to his randomness and spontaneity. 

Just as you adjusted yourself to a crouching position, you saw them. A familiar male with grey hair and an unfamiliar female skipping next to him. Immediately, you felt something bubble inside of you. 

Jealousy? Envy? Annoyance? 

She was pretty, with long black hair and a bright smile. 

“Who’s that?” You asked, hoping that you managed to keep a normal tone. 

“His ex-girlfriend. He didn’t tell you?”

You shook your head, eyes still on the two. Your eyebrows creased into the shape of a ‘v’ when she laughed, touching his shoulder in process. He smiled. 

They finally parted ways, waving goodbye to each other after what looked like a more-than-friendly hug.

You stood up from your hiding spot, knowing where he was headed to. 

“____? Where are you going?” Kotaro asked. 

“To have a talk.” You replied briefly before making your way to the rooftop. 

You knew that Mayuzumi only has respect for, or to put it better, only tolerates two people – Akashi Seijuro and well, you. But now you’re thinking that you might not be the only ones. 

“Hey.” You stood in front of him. He looked up from his novel for a second before turning his attention back to it. 

“Hey. Don’t you have class?” 

“Don’t you?” You shot back.

“Are you upset?” 

You shouldn’t have been surprised at how he could see through you so easily. His ability of misdirection required him to observe people with detail after all. 

“Yes.” You said bluntly. 

“Why?”

You clenched your jaw, wanting to rip the book out of his hands and chuck it down from the rooftop. You wished he would pay more attention to you, especially when you were talking right in front of him.

“That girl you’re with. With long black hair.” You started.

Mayuzumi didn’t react at the mention of the female.

“What about her?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.” You replied.

“____, I don’t like it when you speak in riddles.” His eyes met yours momentarily.

“Why didn’t you tell me about her, Chihiro?”

“I didn’t realise I was obligated to do so.”

“What do you even mean by that? I’m your girlfriend. Don’t I have the right to know?”

“Alright then. What do you want to know?”

Everything, you wanted to say.

“Your break up.”

“We decided we would be better off as friends.”

“Who broke it off?”

“She did.”

Does that mean you still had feelings for her when she did?

“Why?”

You felt like you were doing an interview with someone who did not want to be there. 

Was he purposefully trying to hide things?

Mayuzumi was fairly open to you when you were alone. It did take a while for him to open up, but you remembered thinking that it was more than worth it. Which was why you didn’t understand what he was trying to get at with his curt answers.

“I just told you. We decided we would be better off as friends. Anything else?”

A series of questions made their way into your head. You wanted to know everything. Everything about him. And that meant his past too.

“Did you confess to her the way you confessed to me?”

He opened his mouth to answer but you weren’t done.

“Did you buy her pearls and flowers too?” You stuttered at some of your words, but you continued. “Did you tell her the same things you told me?” 

The words stumbled out of your quivering lips before you could rethink them. 

“…Am I your rebound?”

Your heart hurt at the word ‘rebound’.

“Are we talking about basketball now?”

He cocked a brow. You were at a loss for words. He wasn’t taking this seriously. He wasn’t taking YOU seriously. You felt a sting in your eyes accompanied with a blockage in your chest. You gripped the rooftop railing to support yourself – you could’ve sworn you were gripping it so hard you made a small dent.

“At least look at me when you talk. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Anger surged through your veins and you gritted your teeth to prevent yourself from making a fool out of yourself. This was not the best way to get through to Mayuzumi Chihiro, but right now, your feelings were filled with so much intensity you couldn’t help it.

“Are you not over her?” You asked, your heartbeat increased as you waited for his answer.

“I don’t understand why this is a big deal.” He plainly said after 3 seconds of silence. His eyes were blank, as usual, and you couldn’t tell what he was actually thinking.

“It’s a big deal because you’re still all touchy-feely with her!”

“I did not touch her.”

“She touched you.” You mumbled.

“That’s not my problem.” He was starting to get annoyed. He saw her as a good friend who he had once shared a bond with. But now she was just that – a good friend. So why couldn’t you get that through your head?

“Are you not over her?” You asked again.

Please give me a straight answer.

“Because I don’t want to be with someone who has room for someone else in their heart.”

So if your answer is yes, then as much as I want to be with you… 

… I don’t’ know if I can.  

“There’s an ex in ex-girlfriend for a reason. Do you really want me to say it? God… You can be such a pain.” He finally set aside his light-novel.

“Answer. My. Question.”

Your eyes flashed with indignance at the last part, but now hurt surged through you faster, turning your knees into jell-o and your face into a red, blotchy mess. 

“Please.”

The tears were falling uncontrollably now. And you had never felt more pathetic. 

He was looking at you now. With… what was that in his eyes? A hint of pity? Shock? Or was it concern? 

You turned your back on him, staring blankly into the blue skies above you. The wind blew in your direction, making a mess of your hair. 

“I am over her. Is that what you wanted to hear?” He asked, grabbing his book and getting up on his feet. 

“Only if it’s true.” You whispered. 

Then you felt a set of arms wrap themselves around your body, warmth engulfing you pleasantly. 

“It is.” He breathed into your hair. You felt your shoulders loosen as your breathing started to steady at his words. You could hear the sound of his heartbeat as he pressed up against your backside. 

“I never asked about your exes simply because I think it’s a waste of time. I am in a relationship with you, not with her. And you are in a relationship with me, not them.” He spun you around, but you looked away. Your cheeks were still tinted with tears and you were sure right now you weren’t in your most attractive state. 

“I admit it’s my fault for answering so coldly before. But you haven’t the slightest idea of how much I value this relationship. My ex does not affect the feelings I have for you.”

You didn’t reply, still processing his words.

“Can you look at me?” He asked, cupping your chin gently. He tilted your head up, planting a gentle kiss on your forehead. “You are the only girl I have feelings for.” 

You finally managed to nod, feeling ashamed at your reaction. 

“Now get to class. Sensei will know you’re missing.” He walked back over to where he was sitting previously.

You shook your head, “He probably already does. I just want to spend time reading light novels with you, okay?”

He looked at you for a while, as if he was debating whether to go against your words. He did want to spend time with you too.

And so the both of you spent the rest of the day on the rooftop, enjoying each other’s company in silence.

like I’ve been thinking about this a lot and tried to analyze my feelings in the past where I’d feel this type of anger and betrayal when I saw men of colour especially south asian men who are big in pop culture, dating white women. and I tried to flip it around to think okay lets imagine those celebrities did in fact date someone like myself in terms of race/ethnicity. am I simply seeking validation from those celebrity men on whether they accept someone like me, is this a form of internalized misogyny to project my self-worth on a relationship that in reality has nothing to do with me? most importantly why do I care what these rich pop icons have to think about women that are of my race/ethnicity, is it because I value their class-status and feel affirmed in my own identity that I could align myself to the same power? even though I try to reject the male gaze, I want the eyes of rich racialized celebrities, on someone like me?

anonymous asked:

sounds like you do care. you just dont want to

I suppose it really depends on what you mean by “care”.

There are certain types of emotional reactions which most people can feel, but because of my personality disorders I am categorically incapable of those things.  I am unable to feel empathy for others.  I am unable to feel remorse when I have hurt someone.  I don’t form emotional connections with other people; even if I consider someone to be a close friend, I can’t conceive of them having intrinsic value for their own sake.  My brain simply does not do those things, and no amount of wanting to or not wanting to will affect that.  I can barely even perceive others as being truly “real”, rather than something like an NPC in a game.  In contexts where other people would feel an emotional reaction, the sort of reaction that is colloquially referred to as “caring about others”, I feel nothing.

However, considering something (or someone) to be important or worthwhile does not need to be based on an emotional response.  As I have discussed before, abstract intellectual opinions and self-serving motives can lead one to support the same causes, and espouse the same ideals, as someone who genuinely cares about other people.  So in a roundabout way, I guess I do care about others, but not by any of the usual definitions.  For various reasons (see the post I linked), I do want the world to be a better place, free from the injustice and suffering that pervades it, and I will support causes that work toward that goal.  But I could sit calmly with a cup of tea and watch a thousand innocent people die right in front of me in agonizing pain, and as long as I were not at risk of meeting the same fate, I would not feel anything other than that it was very interesting to watch.

Dear Church: On Society (read this)

Dear Church,

On nights like tonight, I am stuck on words.

They ring through my head and some fly by, but some I cannot explain or define.

Tonight, there are two. They have actually been in my head for a quite a few. 

tolerance. bigoted.

The two are tied so closely together. But their meanings have changed.

Tolerance used to mean getting along with people you disagree with.

If you could not value people despite the fact that their opinions differed from yours, you were intolerant or bigoted (which simply meant to be intolerant).

I could always value people more than their opinions because I truly believed that God created them with innate value and nothing they say or do could ever take that away. I still do.

Valuing people…what does that mean anymore? Now, it isn’t about who people are. It isn’t about the fact that they were created with innate value. That is not their identity anymore. Their identity is what they choose. 

What used to be cool facts about people have become all-consuming. I hear people’s conversations, and they ring in my head like the sound in the movies after a bomb goes off. Everything seems distorted and I wonder how I can still think, and what has survived the explosion.

After all, my “black friend” used to just be “my friend.” My “gay friend” used to just be “my friend.” I didn’t need to describe their color or their choices because that color and that choice didn’t use to define that man. I loved that man because Christ loves that man. That was all that mattered.

As for society, identities have gotten thicker and thicker and thicker, and skin has gotten thinner and thinner and thinner.

Society defines everything. Something that was deemed scientific fact is simply a social construct. Call it that for long enough and society may forget it was ever viewed another way. It’s desensitizing. If society deems it so, it is so, and so society can deem and un-deem as they please. And they have deemed tolerance to mean something that it never meant before. 

In this day in age, our society has defined tolerance as being in agreement with every ideal that others hold and valuing those ideals as if they hold the same validity as yours.

Why did I personalize it? Because now, society has deemed it true, so it must be true of you.

On nights like tonight, I wonder why. 

Why do people fear religion, fear Christians, fear administrations, fear the opinions of others while telling others to accept all opinions, all creeds, all leaders? 

Did they not mean to tell others to accept their opinions, their creeds, and their leaders? 

Was that not clear?

Do people fear religion, Christians, administrations, and others’ opinions because that paper-thin skin might get broken, and worst of all, the new social constructs might deconstruct and eternal truth might break through?

Would that not be absolutely shattering, since society defines truth?

Would it not be terrifying for people to meet God and have him shatter the image in the mirror that they believed was god

But isn’t that the conversion story for every Christian, no matter when their conversion took place? 

“I thought I was god, and then realized I wasn’t.”

Have logic and common sense left us, church? Or have we forgotten how to use them? Why do we stay silent about the truth for so long that we have to argue it when if we had simply spoken when addressed, we could have simply stated it? 

Society asked us what we thought and we said nothing. That spoke louder than everything. Now, when we speak out, it’s intolerant. And we have almost forgotten how to think.

Think with me for a second.

Under the new definition of tolerance, isn’t calling someone intolerant… intolerant? Isn’t calling someone bigoted…bigoted?

It seems that now, free speech is for some, but others must be silenced. So they might be parading their cause, and coming out of oppression, but if someone disagrees with their cause, they better silence that person!

Tick-tock.

The clock is ticking.

Better silence the noise quick.

They have to know.

Otherwise, there wouldn’t be such a rush.

They have to know that one word from someone else could break the barricade around their heart, or at the very least, weaken it.

They have to know that if they listened long enough, they might realize that someone else’s opinion may not only be valid…but true.

They might realize that God is not a social construct, and “He is not you.”

They might realize that people are not so perfect and infallible that no-one can disagree with them. People are not truth such that every disagreeing opinion is false. People’s disagreeing opinions might not only be valid…they might be right. 

How will they know if they shut you up? How will they know, church, if you shut up and give up? And how much do you have to hate society to give up on them?

Let’s redefine tolerance, together. Church, let’s step in. 

First, let’s break down tolerance by overwhelming it with love. Let’s build relationships with people. Within those relationships, let’s speak the truth in love. 

Let’s love like CRAZY. Let’s love our friends. Not our “black friends” or “gay friends” or “democratic friends” or “republican friends.” Let’s lose the adjectives, and stop the name-calling. If we don’t, how will they see something better? The only thing people need to know they are is “loved.”

Stop saying people will go to hell if they voted for that candidate. Stop saying people be blessed if they share that Facebook post or type “Amen.” Amen? Seriously. Stop telling people they’re in your thoughts, and start telling them they’re in your prayers! Society doesn’t define truth, but it does set trends. Let’s be trend-setters.

On nights like tonight, church, I wonder what will happen if we don’t!

I say out loud into the night, “Lord Jesus, help us.”

 And He says “I will, but help yourselves by doing what you know is right.”

Church, if we do not step into a broken society and meet them where they are, some of our greatest fears will come true.

When will we be bigots for mentioning our God instead of someone else’s? For believing in Him instead of some other god? For worshipping Him instead of what society worships? 

That’s my closing thought. Mull that over in your head. Count the cost. Decide what will make better change - a Republican-dominated government or a Christ-dominated society? 

Ask yourself that question, and live out your answer.

Love.

Love,

Me

“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

- Jesus

[Please share this post, and God will bless you. that is a joke…but feel free to boldly share this.]

{Today is International Women’s Day 2016. Today I thought a lot about what it means to me a woman and I wanted to share some of my thoughts. I still have a lot to learn and at 17 I am still growing into a woman but as I feel that the past few years have been incredibly defining for me and my expectations of “life as a woman” I wanted to write something, also to possibly look back on in a few years. *Disclaimer: English is my second language, excuse any grammar or spelling mistakes.}


I wish I could tell you that today when I thought about what it means to be a woman the first thing that came to mind was how beautiful, magical and strong women are. Unfortunately I have to disappoint you, because the first thoughts coming into my head were all negative, one of them being Insecurities, specifically the insecurity I have about my breasts.

**(I realize that I am incredibly privileged and have nothing to complain about, however since I am so privileged I have the time and energy to think about my insecurities as much as I do and I’m sure most of the people reading this do as well. Most of us don’t have to worry about running from a civil war or how to feed our child so it wont die in the next 24 hours. We are privileged enough to talk and think about things such as insecurities and I feel incredibly lucky that this is one of the main “issues” in my life right now.)

I have always been more mature than most people around me and started going through puberty very early, I got my period when I was 12 and was the tallest girl in my class from year 5 on, however I have always had incredibly small breasts. When I was 13 I started wearing push up bras and my crush told me I was flat chested. When I was 14 I started dating and that’s when I started feeling a little more confident. Guys started calling me “pretty” and “beautiful” at 14 and “hot” at 15 and 16 and no one ever complained about the size of my breasts. I remember asking a guy what he thought of them and he said “It’s fine, they’ll grow”. That was a relieve to me. “They’re gonna grow. It’s just because I’m still young.” I thought to myself. At 15 I also started to grow a following on Instagram and thus received more compliments under my photos, resulting in an ego boost. This was also the time that I threw most of my push up bras away, went vegan, started eating well, got really fit and I can honestly say that for over half a year I was happy with the way I looked.

After turning 16 I went through a break up, friends of mine went through similar situations, school got tougher and I had less time and motivation to prepare healthy meals and exercise.

Before this time I had always felt like a girl, a kid almost. I never considered myself a woman. But at 16 I started to feel like now was the time that I had to turn into a woman, the worst part being that I had (and still have at times) a very false perception of what that actually means. Because at 16 I thought turning into a woman means developing curves like hips, big breasts and a big butt. I believe in my case this is due to 2 things.

1. Media: Because when I was 16 those “Real men like meat, only dogs go for bones.” and “Real women have curves.” quotes started to pop up all over Facebook. Movies and TV Shows are another great example because let’s face it the hot girl that the male characters drool over always has big “cans”. And of course those photos of Victoria’s Secret models all of which are a size 6/8 yet look like they have C and D cups in the shows and catalogues even though most of them actually have very small breasts when you look at natural photos of them (naturally due to their very slim bodies), but hey -  push up bras, tape and makeup can change that and being super skinny and having big breasts at the same time is totally realistic for everyone. (please notice:sarcasm) 2. People around me: Because I can’t count the times I have heard guys say “She has great tits.” or “Man I love big cans”. At 16 (and long before that) for me it was just a fact of life that men love big breasts and when they see them they can’t help but stare at them. And it was also a fact of life that they didn’t just love them, big breasts are important to them because why else would they talk about them so much?

So here’s our situation:Maxi at 16 has an A cup. The first issue: Big breasts are what makes you a woman. The second issue: All guys love big breasts. Maxi thinks (completely irrationally): She is not a real woman. Guys don’t love her breasts. This also matters because it matters what guys think of you. Maxi forgets that breasts don’t actually matter and don’t define you as a person (Maxi still forgets this today sometimes). This resulted in a severe insecurity of mine that I still struggle with today. At the moment my boobs are growing a little bit, but I know that I will never be a C or D cup. I have felt like less of a woman because of this for a while now and at 17 I think about it every day. I feel ashamed to talk about this because I want to be a role model for young girls and show them that you need to love yourself and be confident in order to be truly happy but the truth is that I have not reached that point yet. While I find myself attractive most of the time and I know that so do a lot of other people I still feel incredibly insecure and jealous when I see a girl with beautiful, big breasts, part of me feels like I will never be enough, that I will never be the complete package, that I will never be a “real woman”. I flinch at the words “tits”, “cans” and “jugs”, they make me feel insecure, uncomfortable, objectified and degraded, no matter in what context they are used. But the nicknames women get for their body parts are a whole different story and definitely something I want to address in the future.

I feel incredibly emotional writing about this and I would lie if I told you that this hasn’t made me cry many times. I am in an incredibly happy relationship with someone who has become my best friend and I feel valued, beautiful, intelligent and happy with myself whenever we are together. However I struggle watching movies together with actresses who have big breasts, I struggle walking past a girl with big breasts together not because he has ever told me that mine are small or not enough but simply because “Guys love big tits and they can’t help but look at them” crosses my mind every time and I get all chocked up for a second and this incredible sadness and feeling of insecurity hits me. If you have ever felt like you are not enough you know what I’m talking about. It’s unbelievable.

I am trying to work on this insecurity every day and I know that one day I will be able to overcome it. I try to constantly remind myself of the fact that I am so much more than the size of my breasts. I am my thoughts, my dreams, my talents, my work ethic, my strength and my empathy. I am more than a piece of flesh. I have a soul, a brain - I matter ! I have learned that it’s a very hard and possibly never ending process to get over an insecurity but I believe it will be worth it in the end.

I wanted to share this because I know we all have our insecurities and sometimes we feel like we are alone but we forget that so many other people are going through exactly the same thing. I also wanted to share this because today I asked myself what it means to be a woman and I realized that I actually don’t know the answer to that.I want to know what you think it means to be a “woman”. Because after having this false perception of it for so long I am incredibly confused. Feel free to reblog this adding a sentence of what you think being a woman is all about, I would love to know all of your thoughts!

Thank you for reading this incredibly personal and emotional post, I look forward to writing more in the future (hopefully planned more carefully).

Much love and good luck with your insecurities,x Maxi

Clarification

When I quit the band, over a year ago, we were on an indefinite hiatus. There was no drama or anger involved, and the other guys were very understanding. They are supportive of my doing whatever makes me happy and that goes both ways.

To put it simply, my musical interests have led me in a different direction. Upon rejoining, and throughout my time in the band, I was very excited about exploring the musical possibilities inherent in a rock band, and doing so with those people in particular. A couple of years ago, I began to feel that same excitement again, but this time it was about making a different kind of music, alone, and being my own engineer.

I really love the band and what we did. I understand and value that my work with them means a lot to many people, but I have to follow my interests. For me, art has never been something done out of a sense of duty. It is something I do because it is really fun, exciting, and interesting. Over the last 12 years, I have changed, as a person and artist, to such a degree that to do further work along the lines I did with the band would be to go against my own nature. There was no choice involved in this decision. I simply have to be what I am, and have to do what I must do.

Sending love and gratitude to you all.

—  John Frusciante